2015: Lesnar destroys RAW

The Immortal Iron Fist: The Complete Collection Vol. 1

Back in 2008, when a little known B-list Marvel character called Iron Man was being made into a movie, I was raving about how it was the perfect choice for Marvel to launch a franchise and beseeching everyone I could to pick up the book before it got big. Seven years later, a few months before the release of Avengers: Age of Ultron, Iron Man/Tony Stark is known around the world and has become an A-list character in his prime.

God, I love saying “I told you so”.

Now, that being said, Iron Fist is not getting a movie, he’s getting a series on Netflix, but for fans of Iron Fist, that should be enough, who needs a movie right? How do we sell others on the idea of Iron Fist?

“Think Tony Stark, but with Kung-Fu.”

Who is Iron Fist?

Danny Rand (Iron Fist) is a billionaire industrialist (tends to be a lot of those in comics huh?) who has some severe childhood trauma. When he was a child, his father took him and his mother on a trip to look for the mystical city of K’un L’un, akin to Shangri-La in literature. Deep within the Himalayas, Danny’s father was pushed to his death by a jealous business partner and while trying to protect him, his mother was eaten by wolves. As Danny was about to be killed, archers from K’un L’un came to the rescue and he was granted entry into the city. The city of K’un L’un only opens to the real world once every ten years, so he trains for revenge while he grows up. In order to gain what he needs for vengeance, until he fights his way to face the guardian dragon of K’un L’un, Shou-Lao the Undying. Upon defeating the dragon, the winner becomes the guardian of K’un L’un, but instead, Danny abandons the city to seek revenge on those who killed his parents.

Why You Should Read Iron Fist: The Living Weapon

Since Matt Fraction has been writing the character in the late 2000’s the world building in Iron Fist has been exquisite and the depth of the stories have been amazing. If you think Tony Stark is a bit of an entitled dick, Danny Rand is the guy for you. I wouldn’t call him emotionally stable, but he knows who he is, his faults and his strengths, and he constantly seeks to better himself. Pair that up with a man caught between the world of technology and mysticism and you have a great mix.

Where to Start

Iron Fist: The Living Weapon

– The current volume on shelves now, only ten issues have been out so far, so get to it! This volume right now fleshes out Danny’s origin story and what it means to be trapped between technology and mysticism.

– The previous run of Iron Fist (The Immortal Iron Fist) was much more fantastical, based in mysticism and explores his relationship with the city of K’un L’un. Definitely read it if you want to know more about the world of Iron Fist and his place in the pantheon of heroes.

The Immortal Iron Fist: The Last Iron Fist Story

– Danny Rand has always known that the Iron Fist is a title, and that he is not the first. This volume explores what it means to be an Iron Fist, what that entails, and why Danny Rand might be the last of that long line.

In short, Iron Fist: The Living Weapon has such an amazing art style right now and in my opinion, is one of the best written books being put out by any publisher. The current run is only on issue #10 so you have so few issues to catch up on. If you decide you love the character, you absolutely must read Matt Fraction’s run. Believe me when I say that Iron Fist can be the next breakout character for Marvel.

Go and read Iron Fist: The Living Weapon, I guarantee you that you won’t be disappointed.

‘Fast & Furious’ (2009) is Perhaps the Quintessential Film of the Franchise

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March 31, 2015

Every day this week we’ll tackle the next movie in the franchise, leading up to our review of Furious 7. Buckle up and join us as we all prepare for Furious 7 and that one last ride.

Day One: A Look Back: The Fast and the Furious (2001)

Day Two: A Look Back: 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

Day Three: Tokyo Drift was the Last Great Movie about the Love of Cars and Racing

Fast & Furious (2009)

Eight years after the original, Fast & Furious (2009) takes the series back to basics.The original trilogy was more flashy and frivolous (yeah, I said it), with an inconsistent cast and diversions in both Miami and Tokyo. The fourth entry in the franchise reunites Paul Walker and Vin Diesel while grounding the story in a classic crime and revenge tale. FBI agent Brian O’Connor and fugitive Dominic Toretto find themselves hunting the same man: drug trafficker Arturo Braga, whose team may have been responsible for the murder of Letty Ortiz (Michelle Rodriguez). To get close to Braga, they’ll have to go undercover to earn a spot on his elite team of heroin-smuggling drivers.

Stripped of superfluous characters, gaudiness, and definite articles, Fast & Furious is the purest distillation of the franchise by far. Reuniting the original leads and introducing a major character death raises the stakes and at least entertains the notion that the film can be taken seriously. The story borrows all of its familiar beats from other crime films (there’s even a way-too-slow print out of the villain’s face, à la The Usual Suspects), but it’s a serviceable vehicle for the franchise’s ongoing themes of family, loyalty, and stoic dudes living by vaguely-defined codes.

Having matured beyond the gaudiness of previous films but not yet completely gone off the Ocean’s-Eleven-via-Michael-Bay deep end of its successors, Fast & Furious is perhaps the quintessential (dare I say, perfect) film of the franchise.

Which one was this again?

The one where Letty is murdered, and Brian and Dom’s epic bromance is reignited.

Best scene:

Liberated from the usual crowded urban streets, Brian and Dom lead a chaotic final chase through the dry scrublands and open deserts of Mexico. It lacks the sort of finely-tuned fury the series is best known for, but the absurd Mad Max-style combination of car chase and demolition derby make for a unique, entertaining departure for the series (and a hint at the sorts of ridiculous spectacle to come).

(Note, not the complete scene):

Best (most iconic) line:

“A real driver knows exactly what’s in his car.”

Actual best line:

In Brian O’Connor’s attempt to stall for time and sound intimidating during the sting operation to take down Braga, he sets this line (nay, poetry) adrift, devoid of precedent and eliciting no response:

“I got a question for you… Were you wearing pink when you were crawling your way out of el barrio?”

How fast is it?

Moderately. Calculated revenge and deep undercover operations are suspenseful but not particularly fast-paced, and the film is weighed down by the predictable convolutions of its criminal/revenge story.

How furious is it?

Exceptionally. Few things are more infuriating than someone you love being murdered, and Dom’s all cold revenge and righteous fury. His reunion with Brian is also less than amicable, but it isn’t until the revelation that Brian sent Letty undercover to her death that the full wrath of Dom is unleashed.

Netflix Releases First Character Posters From Marvel’s ‘Daredevil’

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March 30, 2015

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And I can barely contain my excitement.

With the release of Marvel’s Daredevil just around the corner, expect to be inundated with TV spots, trailers, and posters until April 10th. That being said, we’re not ones to complain. Especially when it involves awesome character posters that combine into one giant poster.

From left to right we have: Elden Henson as Foggy Nelson, Deborah Ann Woll as Karen Page, Charlie Cox as Matt Murdock / Daredevil, Rosario Dawson as Claire Temple, and Vincent D’Onofrio as Wilson Fisk.

Marvel’s Daredevil is the first of four original TV shows set to air on Netflix. The others include: Marvel’s A.K.A. Jessica Jones, Marvel’s Iron Fist, and Marvel’s Luke Cage, eventually leading to Marvel’s The Defenders starring all four titular characters. The first season of Marvel’s Daredevil has thirteen episodes, all to be released on April 10th. For more information about the show, head to Netflix.

‘The Walking Dead’ Review: Rick Delivers Alexandria its Wake-up Call

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March 30, 2015

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The Walking Dead
Season 5, Episode 16 – “Conquer”
Air Date – March 29, 2015
Grade: B-

I was being somewhat facetious when I said that The Walking Dead finale would just be a town hall meeting, but that turns out to have been mostly accurate. Even at an extended ninety minutes, “Conquer” doesn’t contain any of the calamity or spectacle one might have come to expect from a season finale–what we have instead is a series of largely isolated storylines that wouldn’t have felt out of place in the middle of the season. A meeting is held to decide what is to be done about Rick, Daryl and Aaron continue their search for more people to join Alexandria, Nicholas has a bone to pick with Glen, and Sasha and Gabriel entertain their own individual death wishes. It’s a bit of a scattered episode that lacks the grandiosity of previous finales, but it’s a suitable end to one of The Walking Dead’s strongest and most consistent seasons.

The major pivot point for this season was “Them,” an episode in which we finally see the return of optimism and hope after an entire season of grinding our characters into the dirt. “Conquer” is an affirmation of that new direction–despite building towards major conflicts both within and beyond the walls of Alexandria, everything doesn’t immediately and completely go to ruin. Alexandria hasn’t erupted into a warzone, the walls haven’t been overrun by zombies, and the now-confirmed Wolves haven’t yet descended upon the settlement. That isn’t to say that these things won’t still happen (they almost certainly will), but “Conquer” defers these predictable outcomes in favor of something relatively more positive. Rick and the people of Alexandria have finally reached some degree of mutual understanding without the need for an armed coup (though there are still some casualties), Glen is able to resist killing Nicholas even after getting shot, and the one and only Morgan saves Daryl and Aaron are saved from a sadistic trap set by the Wolves. That’s about as optimistic as a show like this gets.

The episode’s extended length gives the storylines a little more room to breathe, but most of them aren’t very substantial on their own. Gabriel, the wettest of blankets, has reached a new low point in his crisis of faith and attempts to commit suicide, first by zombie and later by antagonizing Sasha. Sasha, meanwhile, has a deathwish of her own but chooses Gabriel of all people to confide in (I get that he’s the de facto priest, but the two of them share last place on the list of well-adjusted people from which to seek advice). Abraham and Eugene get a nice moment to finally talk and apologize to each other, but the rest of the episode is filled with various discussions in preparation for the meeting to deal with Rick. Unfortunately, the unconnected storylines don’t weave together particularly well into a satisfying climax for the finale. The tension in the third act draws primarily from Rick investigating a bloody trail leading in from Alexandria’s open and unattended gate, but Glen’s life or death struggle against Nicholas and Sasha’s fight with Gabriel proceed predictably and end unremarkably.

Following Pete’s inadvertent murder of Reg and his resulting execution, Deanna and the rest of the Alexandrians are finally on the same page as Rick. Morgan returns with Aaron and Daryl, but the Wolves have learned about Alexandria from the photos in the backpack Aaron leaves behind. Dealing with the Wolves and their particular brand of crazy will certainly be a major focus of next season, but The Walking Dead has always stumbled when the cast of survivors grows too large. Reg tells Maggie that “civilization starts when we stop running,” but it was the running that gave us the leaner, hungrier episodes that made this season so compelling. “Civilization” largely amounts to a bunch of people sitting around disagreeing with each other, and one only needs to look back to the show’s earlier seasons (or even Tyreese’s death) to see how interesting that can be.

I’ll miss Reg’s history lessons: “The cavemen… they were all nomads. And um, they all died. Then we evolved into this, and we lived.”
Carol’s the best: “You said you don’t want to take this place, and you don’t want to lie? Oh Sunshine, you don’t get both.”

ABC Family Picks Up ‘The Mortal Instruments’ TV Series, ‘Shadowhunters’

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March 30, 2015

mortal instruments city of bones shadowhunters

ABC Family, home of the Harry Potter marathon, has ordered a new TV series based on the young adult series, The Mortal Instruments. The show will pick up right at the beginning of the first book, City of Bones, following Clary Fray as she investigates her mother’s kidnapping and is thrust into the underground world of demons and Shadowhunters.

2013 saw the release of the first (and only) Mortal Instruments movie, starring Lily Collins and Jamie Campbell Bower. Thankfully, it looks as though ABC Family (along with most everyone else) has swept memory of the movie under the rug, ready to start fresh in the eyes of younger viewers with the different title, Shadowhunters. Author Cassandra Clare has hopes for the show stating:

“I’m excited to see ABC Family bring the world of the Shadowhunters to life. As a huge fan of long-form television drama, I can’t wait to see the story unfold and for the fans to have more time with the world and the characters”

The cast has yet to be announced, but look for such news to arrive in the near future.

The series will go into production this May in Toronto.

‘Tokyo Drift’ was the Last Great Movie about the Love of Cars and Racing

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March 30, 2015

This Friday sees the release of Furious 7 in theaters, the latest entry in the Fast and the Furious franchise. The franchise has spawned more sequels than anyone could have ever imagined, leading us over at The Workprint to take a look at what made this series prosper where so many have failed.

Every day this week we’ll tackle the next movie in the franchise, leading up to our review of Furious 7. Buckle up and join us as we all prepare for Furious 7 and that one last ride.

Day One: A Look Back: The Fast and the Furious (2001)

Day Two: A Look Back: 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

The fast and the furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)

If there was ever a sign that a franchise was on its way out the door, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift was it. In every practical sense, Tokyo Drift had Straight-to-DVD written all over. With neither Paul Walker nor Vin Diesel signed on to star, Justin Lin took his directorial debut in the Fast series to Tokyo with a whole new cast.

In truth, Tokyo Drift is the best movie in the franchise for car lovers. Many people write-off Tokyo Drift when it comes to The Fast and the Furious series due to the lack of the main cast. What most people don’t realize is Tokyo Drift is a love letter to cars and racing.

Building, tweaking, and hooking up each vehicle is a joy for the characters and any car aficionado watching. Every car is a work of art. No movie that has come after has captured this a perfectly as Tokyo Drift.

But Fast Five and Fast & Furious 6 were better movies you say! I couldn’t agree more, but the cars in those movies are a means to an end. They’re used as vehicles to perform heists. Tuning the cars and racing are no longer the forefront of the series. Even though the movie is a love letter to cars and racing, Tokyo Drift cannot escape its cheese-filled story.

Sean (Lucas Black) finds himself shipped off to live with his father in Tokyo after a street racing incident leaves him looking at jail time. Even though his father forbids him from touching a car (Really Dad? Don’t you know what movie you’re in?), Sean finds himself thrown into the Japanese racing scene which heavily revolves around drifting.

After wrecking Han’s (Sung Kang) car in an attempt to race Takashi, the current Drift King, Sean finds himself running errands to return the favor. The errands happen to be collecting money for the Yakuza. After Takashi’s Yakuza uncle learns that Han has been skimming from the cash he was turning in, an inevitable drifting showdown is set up between Sean and Takashi to settle all the beef.

Which one was this again?

The one in Tokyo with Lucas Black. It also stars Bow Wow.

Best scene:

The chase sequence through downtown is hands down my favorite. The high-speed chase sequence weaves in and out of traffic and shows the brutal reality and dangers of street racing.

Best (most iconic) line:

Han: I have money, it’s trust and character I need around me. You know, who you choose to be around you lets you know who you are. One car in exchange for knowing what a man’s made of? That’s a price I can live with.

Actual best line:

Twinkie: Do you know what ‘D.K.’ means?
Sean Boswell: Donkey Kong?

Best Car:

Hands down, the best car in the entire movie. I don’t care what any of you haters say.

The Greatest Thing Ever to Come Out of Tokyo Drift’s Existence:

Tokyo Drift from the Teriyaki Boyz. No words are needed to explain why.

How fast is it?

Very fast. The act of drifting allows you to get through turns without slowing down to a complete stop. Possibly the fastest move of the bunch.

How furious is it?

Very. The brutality of street racing is brought to the forefront with vicious accidents sprinkled throughout the movie.

‘Game of Thrones’ star Maisie Williams is Headed to ‘Doctor Who’

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March 30, 2015

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Game of Thrones star Maisie Williams will have a guest role on the new season of Doctor Who, BBC America announced on Monday.

“I’m so excited to be working on Doctor Who as it’s such a big and important part of British Culture,” Williams said in a press release. “I can’t wait to meet the cast and crew and start filming, especially as we’ll be shooting not too far from my home town.”

No details have been given on who she will be playing, but Executive Producer Steven Moffat commented that “she is going to challenge the Doctor in very unexpected ways. This time he might just be out of his depth, and we know Maisie is going to give him exactly the right sort of hell.”

Doctor Who will return this Fall. You can catch Maisie Williams in Game of Thrones on April 12 when the fifth season premieres.

Trevor Noah to Succeed Jon Stewart as Host of ‘The Daily Show’

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March 30, 2015

Trevor Noah will be the successor to Jon Stewart as the host of The Daily Show Comedy Central president, Michele Ganeless, announced Monday.

Noah, born in South Africa, rose in the comedy circuit to become one of the top comedians in Africa. His first television debut was in 2012 on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and he was the first South African comedian to appear on Late Show with David Letterman. Noah joined The Daily Show with Jon Stewart as a contributor in 2014.

“Trevor Noah is an enormous talent. He has an insightful and unique point of view, and most importantly, is wickedly funny,” said Ganeless. “For the next host of ‘The Daily Show,’ we set out to find a fresh voice who can speak to our audience with a keen take on the events of the day, and we found that in Trevor. He has a huge international following and is poised to explode here in America, and we are thrilled to have him join Comedy Central.”

“It’s an honor to follow Jon Stewart. He and the team at ‘The Daily Show’ have created an incredible show whose impact is felt all over the world,” said Noah. “In my brief time with the show they’ve made me feel so welcome. I’m excited to get started and work with such a fantastic group of people.”

Said Jon Stewart: “I’m thrilled for the show and for Trevor. He’s a tremendous comic and talent that we’ve loved working with…In fact, I may rejoin as a correspondent just to be a part of it!!!”

First Teaser Released for AMC’s ‘Fear The Walking Dead’

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March 29, 2015

It’s the final days of normal civilization in the first look at AMC’s Fear The Walking Dead teaser. The events of the series will start at the beginning of the outbreak unlike The Walking Dead, which started a few months after the outbreak had already occurred with Rick Grimes waking up in his hospital bed.

The Walking Dead spin-off series, set in Los Angeles, will star Cliff Curtis, Kim Dickens, Frank Dillane, and Alycia Debnam Carey.

The first season of Fear The Walking Dead will air this Summer with a six-episode run. The series has already been renewed for a sixteen-episode second season from the network.

‘Halo 5: Guardians’ Release Date Announced

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March 29, 2015

In a new TV spot that aired during The Walking Dead, Microsoft revealed October 27, 2015 as the release date for Halo 5: Guardians.

The live-action TV ad finds Spartan Locke walking through a war torn environment, hunting for Master Chief who lies wounded not too far away under a statue of himself. Locke blames Chief for all the destruction with the ad ending as Locke aims a pistol at the franchise hero. No gameplay was shown in the TV spot.

Those looking to learn more can head over to http://huntthetruth.tumblr.com/ to delve deeper into the mystery behind Locke’s hunt of Master Chief.

Update: 10:23 PM EST

A second ad has aired during The Walking Dead now featuring the same events of the first ad, but with the characters in reversed roles. Who is at fault for the destruction – Spartan Locke or Master Chief?

Halo 5: Guardians will release on October 27, 2015 exclusively on the Xbox One

A Look Back: 2 Fast 2 Furious

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March 29, 2015

Next week sees the release of Furious 7 in theaters, the latest entry in the Fast and the Furious franchise. The franchise has spawned more sequels than anyone could have ever imagined, leading us over at The Workprint to take a look at what made this series prosper where so many have failed.

Every day this week we’ll tackle the next movie in the franchise, leading up to our review of Furious 7. Buckle up and join us this week as we all prepare for Furious 7 and that one last ride.

Day One: A Look Back: The Fast and the Furious (2001)

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

If The Fast and the Furious was cheesy, its sequel is Velveeta. Zero substance, it’s terribly unhealthy for you, you don’t even want to know what’s in it, and yet, you can’t help but eat it up. The story follows the original, as Brian O’Connor (Walker) has made his way down to Miami and is, surprisingly, racing cars. He gets caught by the police and they offer a clean slate if he agrees to bring down drug lord, Carter Verone, while working in tandem with fellow undercover agent, Monica Fuentes (Mendes). After enlisting the help of estranged BFF Roman Pearce (Gibson), Brian goes undercover yet again and takes down the bad guy with cars. Vroom vroom.

There isn’t a plot in this movie, despite what the creators would have you think. Don’t expect it to be anything other than mindless fun. Go into it with an open mind or an empty brain and it won’t irk you too much. The dialogue is cringe-worthy at times, full of “bros” and cliched “I’m a bad ass” phrases. At times it sounds as if it were written by a sixth grader.

For example:

I know man its getting thick real quick. We need some way out through some kind of exit strategy.

But in truth, it is good fun and I liked seeing the Nissan Skyline in action and Tyrese is funny (and pretty).

Which one was this again?
The one with Tyrese Gibson and Eva Mendes. It’s aalllllll Miami.

Best scene:

The introduction. Even though the gear changes are absurd (they all must have hella strong legs from slamming in that clutch so much), it’s by far the most entertaining sequence. I love the bridge jump.

Best (most iconic) line:

Roman: He did the stare and drive on you, didn’t he? He got that from me.

Or “something something, homeboy.”

Actual best line:

Brian O’Connor: Now put your blouse back on.
Roman Pearce: Hater.

How fast is it?

Oh, it’s fast. In fact, the movie would have been much improved had it only been the racing scenes, as the plot was mediocre, at best. (A tactic later movies would pick up.)

How furious is it?

Not as much as the first movie. There isn’t nearly as much (if any) tension throughout the film. It’s obvious it was meant to show off the racing, explosions, and flat abs. Brian is as still as a pond and doesn’t cause even so much as a ripple throughout. It’s Roman who could have had the internal struggle over staying loyal to Brian or ditching him, but…he doesn’t. He just goes along for the ride making snarky quips along the way.

Wrestlemania 31 Predictions

By

Matt Perri

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March 29, 2015

Who are the winners and losers at WrestleMania 31 (AKA “Play”) in Santa Clara? Our 2K Sports article gave you a bit of an idea…but this is gonna be less Turing and more human..

WrestleMania is today, live from Santa Clara, California and Danielle and I will be there in person – a dream come true, to be sure – so, we tasked Gimmick writer, Jared Patterson, with helping us with our predictions.

Let’s go!

ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYAL

JARED
Matt’s out rubbing elbows with the stars of the WWE, so I’ll kick this shindig off. My pick for this is Sheamus. He’s been it for a while. I feel he will make his return here and take the whole thing.

MATT
It’s hard to disagree. WWE hasn’t been very subtle with their returning stars: Barrett came back from injury and he won back the IC Title. Batista returned and he won the Royal Rumble — ironically, the year Reigns should have won the thing. Bryan returned — but, like clockwork, WWE Creative decided that now was the time to kiss and make up. Reigns won and here we are. In any case, Sheamus MAY win this thing…but I think it’s gonna be Curtis Axel. Dude is riding a huge wave of momentum and I’d be surprised if he didn’t win.

DANIELLE
Matt and I saw Curtis Axel beat Heath Slater at the NXT Stage on Day Two of Axxess. Creative might have put that match on a sign of things to come. Plus with his shirt ripping antics paying homage to Hulk Hogan, he knows how to rile a crowd up, which is needed for an early match to get things started on the right foot, so why not have him do that then win soon after (as he did in Axxess). As Matt pointed out Curtis is currently riding a wave of public fan love and that goes far in Wrestlemania.

Cesaro & Tyson Kidd (Champs) vs. The New Day vs. Los Matadores vs. The Usos
in a Fatal Four Way for the WWE Tag Team Championship

JARED
Kidd and Cesaro. I feel they haven’t had the titles for very long and, since this isn’t even on the actual card for ‘Mania, they’ll retain for a later PPV.

MATT
Agree. Tyson and Kidd aren’t even fully cooked yet. I have a feeling that Los Matadores could be the sleeper favorite but today isn’t their day. The New Day is on death’s door with their DOA gimmick and The Usos are the only thing close to quality. The only issue is that they had two good runs with the titles. Kidd and Cesaro retain.

DANIELLE
Matt and Jared are both wrong as they are forgetting that The Usos are the hometown boys as they reminded us at Hall of Fame last night when they inducted their father, Rikishi, into the Hall of Fame. The Usos win and we probably see Rikishi come into the ring to dance and celebrate with them as well.

THE UNDERTAKER VS. BRAY WYATT

JARED
The Undertaker. This is a pointless filler match, only because they don’t have a good storyline for Wyatt. Might as well let him have it, we won’t see him again for another 366 days. (Next year’s a leap year.)

MATT
I’m really torn…but I think I’m going with Bray Wyatt. First, this is the match that should have happened last year. If there was anyone more fitting to end “The Streak”, it’s Bray Wyatt. Secondly, Bray’s sucked for a LONG time. He beat Dean Ambrose up in nearly every single match, which…well, pretty much proved that Ambrose can take a beating and not care. I can’t see them sacrificing him to a guy that, by all means, should be retired because, holy shit, did you see him last year against Brock Lesnar?! That was sad, sad stuff.

DANIELLE
The Undertaker. I have a feeling this might be his last match and while it is traditional for a wrestler to lose at his last match (horrible tradition in my opinion), having him lose for the second time at Wrestlemania especially if he will retire at Wrestlemania (a tradition I like better) would be too much of a crowd killer and a downer.

Paige & AJ Lee vs. The Bella Twins

JARED
I think the Bellas will implode with Brie attacking Nikki. Then, they’ll lose.

MATT
Paige & AJ should win — except they started an idiotic feud where there shouldn’t be a feud and, now, we have Paige and AJ at each other’s throats. I have a feeling this one ends in a screwy, bullshit ending with a distraction roll-up pin or a Double DQ or a countout. Honestly, the Divas Title should be on the line.

DANIELLE
While I’m fearing a Double DQ I don’t think they will do it. I think Paige and AJ will win, and they will do so with some of the other Divas helping them cheat to do so to turn the tides on the twins who themselves cheat a lot. Wrestlemania tends to be a big focus of the Total Divas show and they want this match to be big, memorable and possibly feature other Divas not already on the card.

Daniel Bryan, Stardust, Dolph Ziggler, Luke Harper, Dean Ambrose, R-Truth, & Bad News Barrett (champ) in a Ladder Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship

JARED
I’m going with Daniel Bryan. This will set him up later to get back into main card status. (Once they realize Roman Reigns really DOES suck.)

MATT
Hard to argue that. Daniel Bryan should win…barring a total implosion from WWE Creative. Really, there are two logical choices here: Bryan or Ziggler. Bryan needs this because, give me a break. Remember, last year, when he was raising the World Title with confetti coming down from the ceiling? This year, dude’s in a match with R-fucking-Truth.

DANIELLE
It’s unanimous here, Daniel Bryan deserves to win if for no other reason then they took a perfectly logical hey he never lost storyline and threw it out the window to force Reigns on us (and this is from someone who likes Reigns a lot, just not at this year’s headliner when Daniel Bryan was available).

Rusev (Champion) vs. John Cena for the WWE United States Championship

JARED
John Cena. It’s time Rusev got the loss and this is where he gets it. Watch for that American Flag to drop. Look for Cena to come out flanked by the men and women of our armed forces.

MATT
If only it were that easy. John Cena by countout. Hell, I don’t even know why the U.S. Championship still exists. It’s an old WCW title that was bastardized and made into a tacky, “commemorative” piece by the McMahon Family and it should have been combined with the IC Title a long time ago. I cannot see Cena winning the weakest title on the roster — not when he’s supposed to be attempting to go for Ric Flair’s title record before he retires.

DANIELLE
John Cena by disqualification. It’s going to look like he has no chance to win, then Lana or whoever is managing him now does something so he is disqualified.

Sting vs. Triple H

JARED
Sting. If he doesn’t win, that will tell you exactly how the WWE feels about its fans.

MATT
Yep. Totally agree. No reason for Sting to lose this one. I just don’t really know what this feud’s supposed to be about, really. Awesome to see Sting in WWE, though. And, what’s more — LIVE! Sting wins.

DANIELLE
Definitely Sting. Triple H has lost more matches than he has won at Wrestlemania and this will be no exception. It’s also our little bone thrown to fans match so we forget how much we don’t want Reigns in the main event.

Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins

JARED
No contest. The Authority won’t let this match happen. They’ll jump Orton and leave him decimated so he won’t interfere with their master plan.

MATT
Yeah, but unless they send Orton to the hospital, nothing’s gonna stop him from getting to Seth for the cash-in later on. I think Seth Rollins wins this one — THEN it becomes a bit of a beatdown following the match.

DANIELLE
Orton. That’s OK, though as it perfectly sets up the last match of the night.

Brock Lesnar (champ) vs. Roman Reigns for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

JARED
My pick? Seth Rollins. Don’t get it confused, Brock Lesnar will win, and this will be another ass-whooping given, by Lesnar, to Reigns. After the match, the Authority will come in and beat the crap out of Lesnar, then Rollins will cash in. This will set up a feud at the next PPV with Lesnar on a rampage leading up to it.

MATT
I really have no idea. This is gonna be screwy. Too many ways for it to go. You could see Heyman turn heel and go with Reigns. You could see Rollins cash in on a weary winner and get the title himself. You could see The Rock help his cousin win, starting a feud with Brock Lesnar…I’m really unsure. I know one thing: Lesnar isn’t gonna be champion at the end of the night.

DANIELLE
No question about it, it’s Seth. My guess is that they have Reigns win by DQ or count out. Then while Lesnar is freaking out about it as he just signed a new contract, Seth comes by hits both men with the Money in the Bank briefcase and cashes in. He beats Reigns, probably clean as at this point Roman is exhausted and wins for our grand finish.

Tune in to the WWE Network at 4:00 PM PST / 7:00 PM EST (FOR ONLY $9.99) to find out who wins and who loses!

A Look Back: The Fast and the Furious (2001)

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March 28, 2015

Next week sees the release of Furious 7 in theaters, the latest entry in the Fast and the Furious franchise. The franchise has spawn more sequels than anyone could have ever imagined, leading us over at The Workprint to take a look at what made this series prosper where so many have failed.

Every day this week we’ll tackle the next movie in the franchise, leading up to our review of Furious 7. Buckle up and join us this week as we all prepare for Furious 7 and that one last ride.

The Fast and the Furious (2001)

The film that started it all, The Fast and the Furious (2001) stars the late Paul Walker as Brian O’Connor, an LAPD officer sent undercover to infiltrate the world of illegal street racing. Attempting to find those responsible behind a series of dangerous truck heists, his loyalties begin to waver as he finds himself growing closer to Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) and his crew of racers. The film has since been eclipsed by its more grandiose successors, but nevertheless contains some compelling action sequences. The truck heists in particular are a highlight, while the chases and races convey a great sense of speed and tension when they aren’t overcomplicated by blurry slow motion effects or CG engine animations.

Unmistakably a product of its time, the film hasn’t aged very gracefully. Swaggering dialogue pads out a meager plot against a background of turn-of-the-century hip hop and alternative metal–the movie is instantly dated once the Limp Bizkit and Ja Rule tracks kick in during depictions of rowdy street racers and gaudy cars with neon underlights. Similarly, Brian’s first street race includes some CG animation of nitrous oxide igniting within the engine paired with an accelerated zoom effect and motion blur, as though they were racing spaceships with nitrous-powered warp engines.

Which one was this again?

The first one. With Ja Rule.

Best scene:

The opening heist, a homage to the iconic, death defying chase scene from Stagecoach (1939). It’s an exhilarating start to both the film and the franchise, and a nice reminder that as far as the action goes, the film understands that flash and style don’t matter as much as what’s under the hood.

Best (most iconic) line:

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.”

Actual best line:

“NOOOOOOO MONICAAAA!”

How fast is it?

Not very. The film limps along with weak plotting and uncompelling characters punctuated with the occasional race. It’s bookended by solid action sequences featuring some great stunt work, but the entire film could easily have been twenty minutes shorter.

How furious is it?

Fairly. There’s a lot of legitimate anger, particularly from Vin Diesel’s brooding Dominic Toretto, but the rest amounts to the sort of tantrums typical of wounded machismo and bluster.

’12 Monkeys’ Review: All Hail King Ramse

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March 27, 2015

12 Monkeys
Season 1, Episode 11 – “Shonin”
Air Date: March 27, 2015
Grade: A+

Major Spoilers for 12 Monkeys’ “Shonin” below

Thank you “12 Monkeys” for confirming my suspicions and making this episode one for the books because as I theorized last week, Ramse is indeed The Witness and one of the major players in the Army of the 12 Monkeys.

“Shonin” was a huge reveal episode, chronicling Ramse’s journey from unexpected time traveler to becoming The Witness in the Army of the 12 Monkeys. Unlike previous episodes, “Shonin” spends most of its time following Ramse’s initial recruitment by the 12 Monkeys and his actions up till the present 2015 timeline. The odyssey is filled with interesting new details as well as new questions that will baffle any fan’s mind (including my own).

Ramse is contacted by Olivia (the lady whom Aaron met last week played by the lovely Alisen Down) while in prison for stabbing Cole during their fight to the death inside the White Dragon. Incidentally, it seems that Cole telling Leland Goines that there was a virus inside the body is what triggered the man to buy it in the first place. Great!

Alisen Down 12 Monkeys — Our mysterious woman Olivia.

During Ramse’s period of incarceration, Olivia sent letters and a copy of “The Art of War” to keep him sane and prepare him for his role as The Witness. This led to a masterful takedown of a prison yard bully that mercilessly beat him for years. One day Ramse reveals to his fellow inmates (after learning Japanese) that his attacker was working for the guards and snitched on them causing the other prisoners to kill the man for him. Such manipulation! Soon after Ramse is released and meets Olivia, Pallid Man, and others at an undisclosed sanctum.

At this meeting, Pallid Man wears the same necklace that Jennifer gave Ramse in the future. PM mentions Olivia’s father would have been so happy to see this occasion. Olivia and a confused Ramse take the two necklaces and place it on a dish with the same symbol etched on the sides. Since the necklaces are the same item just from different time periods, a paradox explosion occurs the way it did when Cassie’s two watches were put next to each other. The event yields a strange aftermath where all of the shrubbery transitions from green to red. This must be significant because in the last episode when Cole splintered at the bar, a plant also changed colors from green into red. There could also be some link to the Red Forest, perhaps an area that becomes red somehow is somehow changed from the rest of the world?

After this, Ramse pretty much lays the groundwork for the events that take place during the season so far. He invests in Leland Goines’ Markridge, gets Pallid Man to kill all the Markridge scientists and lets Jennifer take the blame, he purposely has the Army of the 12 Monkeys lose the virus in Chechnya and then have Peters recreate it for them. He even has Olivia meet Aaron to secure his compliance, going so far as having a hand in Senator Royce’s selected survivor private sector project. Speaking of which, could that have been the origin of Spearhead and Project Splinter?

In addition, Olivia gets Jennifer into the fold by creepy brainwashing. She manipulates the younger woman into trusting her by preying on the former asylum patient’s abandonment issues. This is a disturbing scene because Olivia basically tries to become a mother figure with Jennifer as her “daughter.” We know of course that Jennifer will lead The Daughters in the future, thus making certain that she helps trigger the events that sends Ramse back in time.

While he’s been working to make sure the present timeline goes according to plan, there are some unexpected circumstances that have occurred. One example is Ramse’s weird skin issue (his hands look like their slowly rotting). Olivia only comments that time is imperfect, yea you got that right. Secondly, why are they not aging? This particular scene jumps 16 years into the future and Ramse, Olivia, and Pallid Man look the same. Did the explosion from the necklaces in 1995 alter their bodies due to exposure?

Still, throughout the years Ramse isn’t the unquestioning believer that Olivia and Pallid Man appear to be. There is some spiritual/prophetic aspect to the Army of the 12 Monkeys that I don’t think Ramse buys into. He’s just there to ensure a future for his son. And on that note, who are the 12 that are coming? More time travellers?? It makes you wonder if somehow in the future future something happens to Jones that allows for more chrononauts.

Speaking of which, Jones in 2043 is in dire straights as everyone in Project Splinter abandons the facility. Beforehand they make a last ditch effort to send Cole to 2015 after he is stabbed by Ramse in 1987, but doing so cuts their tether and they no longer will be able to bring him back to their present. Whitley soon leaves with his men after he realizes that Jones is kind of crazy to remain there even after their mission was over. As a viewer, it is a sad and telling moment for the German doctor who’s determination to stay the course has seemingly crossed over into delusion.

Meanwhile, Ramse believes he killed Cole back in Tokyo. However thanks to Team Splinter, the other man managed to survive in 2015 by making it to Cassie’s place.

We can guess that Ramse doesn’t know what happens next after this point since all the events he’d been told about had come to pass. I wonder if Olivia has more information that she’s hiding, perhaps secrets her father told her? It’s going to be interesting to see how the next two episodes play out because “Shonin” had been all about making certain the present timeline was preserved. But like in many time travel narratives, we are faced with the unanswerable question of which came first, the chicken or the egg? Let me know if you figure that out.

Great performances all around but especially from Kirk Acevedo, Alisen Down, Barbara Sukowa and Emily Hampshire in this episode. Acevedo’s portrayal of Ramse from a confused, bewildered state to a sinister one is a treat to watch as this is a side of the character we have never seen before. Down takes Olivia’s enigmatic and slightly sexually charged persona to new levels. Sukowa’s Jones is almost heartbreaking to watch as she brings a fragility to her final scene (being alone in the facility). And Hampshire shows us a different Jennifer, exposing her child-like emotional vulnerability.

So now that we’ve gotten a glimpse of what the Army of the 12 Monkeys have been plotting to this whole time, there are many more unanswered questions that hang in the air. We still don’t know what exactly the group wants to accomplish and for what purpose? How did Olivia’s father know that Ramse, aka The Traveler as she calls him, was going to time travel to 1987 Tokyo? Is there another unknown time traveler that went even further back in the past? Why did Ramse, Olivia, and Pallid Man stop aging? Where did the other people who were in the 12 Monkeys 1995 meeting go (they disappeared shortly after Olivia and Ramse linked the necklaces) ? Will Jones survive all alone in 2043? How will Cole and Cassie fight against Ramse, Olivia and Pallid Man? The odds seem stacked against them and humanity at large.

Last and most importantly how much did Zeljko Ivanek rock that toupee?? A LOT.

“Shonin” left me in a state of overwhelm in the best possible way. Next one please!

“12 Monkeys” airs Fridays 9/8 central on Syfy.

Follow Nicole on Twitter: @niixc.

Images courtesy of Syfy.

James Bond is Back in First ‘Spectre’ Trailer

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March 27, 2015

007 is back in the first teaser trailer to the 24th James Bond film “Spectre.”

The film is directed by Sam Mendes (who also helmed “Skyfall”) and stars Daniel Craig, Christoph Waltz, Monica Belluci, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Whishaw, Dave Bautista, Naomie Harris, and Andrew Scott.

A cryptic message from Bond’s (Craig) past sends him on a trail to uncover a sinister organization. While M (Fiennes) battles political forces to keep the secret service alive, Bond peels back the layers of deceit to reveal the terrible truth behind SPECTRE.

We’ve already seen behind the scenes footage of the film in Austria and currently the cast and crew are shooting in Mexico City (Daily Mail).

“Spectre” will be released November 6, 2015.

WrestleMania Weekend 2015 – Day 1: WWE WrestleMania Axxess

By

Matt Perri

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March 27, 2015

There are some who would say that WWE is wrestling company in flux.

That, despite the fact WWE has the support of the majority of wrestling fans, there’s something relatively off about their biggest event of the year.

Brandon Stroud of Uproxx said it best:

“Remember last year with the whole “yes yes yes” thing? And the sick kid in the front row, and all the confetti, and the … no? Aw okay.”

Yep. That’s where I think most people are, collectively.

Things like this weekend, like Axxess, like events such as The WWE Hall of Fame and the overall big event at Levi’s Stadium, they make you momentarily forget about the fact that Brock Lesnar and Roman Reigns haven’t had any real chemistry leading up to the big show.

It makes you forget that the annual, all-important-sounding Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal has now been reduced to a pre-show throwaway match — as if it matters anyhow. After being completely misused for nearly a year, Cesaro is a co-champion, teaming with Tyson Kidd and his wife who only seems to be relevant when she’s on NXT.

They make you forget that the two most interesting matches on the card feature three guys who are way beyond their prime.

They make you forget that, after making a great, big deal out of Daniel Bryan — only to see him vying for a title that’s become a punchline.

There’s a lot wrong with WWE right now. Nobody can deny that.

Events like the one tonight allow one’s inner mark come out to play. It’s an expo for wrestling nerds such as myself and others.

Let’s get to Day One of WrestleMania Weekend!

First, I must say that, as a resident (and native) of the good ol’ Silicon Valley, I was blown away at how easily the city has handled this event. The event was scheduled to begin at 5 PM (PST) which, let’s face it, means you usually need to get off of work early or else you’re sitting in traffic thick as mud. However, imagine my surprise when I discovered that getting in was fairly easy. Getting near the Convention Center, surprisingly routine and simple. Parking only took a few minutes as well.

Even though I’ve followed wrestling since the mid-80’s, I’ve never been to a single WWE event or pay-per-view. I was kinda nerve-wracked because part of me was here for the pleasure of being here and the other part of me knew this was “work”.

It’s been really cool to witness the buzz around the area in the last week. You see the ads for this thing all over the place. Our bus and lightrail system is plastered with the event poster stuff, you can see the little pole flags all over the downtown area, our local radio and TV personalities have been interviewing various WWE Superstars…it’s been exciting.

Once Danielle and I got into the San Jose Convention Center lobby, it felt like home.

They even had an incredible red carpet entrance complete with booming wrestler theme songs and flashing lights.

The side walls were adorned with giant posters of various Superstars, so we each chose one to take a photo with.

Danielle got Daniel Bryan while I chose to pose in front of the Sting poster (you can click on each to enlarge them if need be):

The inside is a wrestling fan’s dream. Large event posters decorated the entire hall:

And, yes, that’s the Elimination Chamber in the corner:

One of the highlights of Axxess is interacting with the actual Superstars of WWE. Originally, Danielle and I were going to buy VIP tickets which would have entitled us to get signatures from the top stars like Roman Reigns, Triple H, Daniel Byran and vets like Hulk Hogan, Sting and Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Honestly, meeting some of the younger, lower-tier stars was an unexpected pleasure.

What’s more, meeting them was almost like a great customer service experience. They seemed interested to meet you, greeting you with a smile instead of just signing your paper and taking a picture with a face made of granite.

Take “Rusev” for example:

Ok, first, let’s get this out of the way: dude should be a freakin’ linebacker. Dude’s not “from Russia”…he is Russia. He’s just big. Gigantic. Wide freakin’ shoulders and barrel chest. He always looked small on TV to me. Real life, it’s a different story.

We didn’t get to meet him because Danielle and I went to meet Paige and a couple of others instead and we missed our shot with him, but we saw him walking around and he’s somebody you don’t want to meet in a dark alley. He’s huge and menacing in real life — and we actually caught him genuinely smiling and laughing with people. It was so strange to me because, when we see these guys, you always think part of their “character” must be derived from some part of them that’s buried deep down.

There were two lines at each signing booth: the one for the regular general admission ticket holders and the line for the disabled fans who used canes, walkers and wheelchairs. Watching Rusev getting up, shaking hands, kneeling down near a fan who was physically unable to get out their chair and grinning from ear to ear really warmed my heart.

These guys love what they do. They love to entertain and they truly love their fans.

Danielle wore her Paige shirt to the event and stopped at her booth to get a photo and her shirt signed. I told her I was gonna go get some pictures and see if I could grab a few words from some of the stars.

First, I stopped off to see Konnor and Viktor of “The Ascension” and got some pretty good shots:

I ended up getting my picture with them, which I actually didn’t plan to do but, when in Rome…

When I got up there, I told them, “I have nothing for you guys to sign…I just realized that.” Konnor (at the table on the right — who also reminds me a lot of a cousin of mine) gave me a grin and said, “Dude, we you covered! No worries!” Viktor nodded and said, “Here you go, bro…” while signing a piece of paper for me and passing it to Konnor. I took my pic with them, shook their hands and said, “Hey…Tag champs in the future?” Konnor smiled and said, “You know it, man! You’ll see!”

After this, I texted Danielle that I’d join her in line for Paige but that I needed to get some photos of the place.

Just outside of the Ascension signing spot was Triple H’s throne from WrestleMania XXX:

Scoped out Renee Young and Byron Saxton at the Smackdown desk:

Here’s a bit of a close-up:

On my way back, I bumped into “Macho Sam” who you’ll remember from our WrestleMania Pre-Party report. If not, here’s the photo we took of him at that event:

This time around, I got a picture with him:

His name is Sam Schmucker and, as it turns out, he’s a very kind Hawaiian native with an affinity for cosplay. That’s par for the course at an event such as this. Many fans come dressed in WWE merch or hold genuine, gold-plated title belts — but Sam strives for accuracy. “I love dressing as the Macho Man,” he says “But, now, it’s really special and fitting since he’s being honored at this year’s Hall of Fame ceremony.”

After doing the first go-round, I rejoined Danielle who was waiting in a long, long line for Paige. I have to say that Paige is an absolute blast. She’s down to earth and loves to bullshit. She treats every single fan like a friend. She hugs, she flirts, she fucking swears. If you flip her shit, she’ll hit you with the shovel you used to sling it. She’s the ultimate badass Diva — and she’s sweet and unpretentious. Which is more than what I can say for a certain Diva who shows up less than Brock Lesnar.

She’s just too awesome. I can’t say enough good things about her. She even stayed a whole hour after her scheduled signing time because so many people wanted to see her. And what happened when her stage manager finally convinced her that she had to leave? Did she up and leave like Rusev and Jack Swagger?

Hell no.

She turned to everyone and said, “I have no choice…I need to go. I do realize that I didn’t get to everyone…so, here’s the thing: I don’t want to leave you all so I will go backwards through the line and gladly take a picture which each and every one of you — but only pictures. I can’t sign anything. Have your camera ready to go, yell my name and I will stop and take a picture with you.”

And she did it — still smiling and laughing with fans as she went. I didn’t get one, but Danielle did.

We did score a nice bonus with being sixth-to-next in line: Rosa Mendes was the next Superstar to be assigned the booth, so we got a nice pic with her as well:

After a quick food break at the concession stand, Danielle and I ventured over to the NXT show that was going on. Turns out NXT was having a short tournament to determine who is going to the pre-show Andre battle royal.

It was nice to see JoJo doing the ring announcer thing. Glad that she wasn’t completely destroyed by the hellish suckage that is Total Divas.

We watched Tyler Breeze take on Finn Balor, which was a lot of fun. If I were WWE, I’d pull all of the guys featured into the majors.

The tourney would eventually come down to Balor vs. Hideo Itami with Itami coming out the victor, a nice moment capped off by Itami being congratulated by Japanese wrestling legend, Tatsumi Fujinami. So, we’ll see Itami at the Andre Battle Royal.

After this, Danielle and I went to visit Adam Rose and Sin Cara. When we got there, Danielle told Adam Rose that The Bunny needs to be put under control. Without missing a beat, Rose said, “I’m so glad you said that! I’ve told him that a million times! This is MY SHOW!”

The moment of the night came shortly after Itami’s win over Balor. Michael Cole came to the ring (to a loud chorus of boos, MIGGAL!) and introduced Triple H. Behind him was an object with a long, dark cover over it. Beforehand, Cole reminded us all of the Ultimate Warrior induction into last year’s Hall of Fame, which was followed by inexplicable tragedy the very next day when he passed away. Cole said that they were here to pay tribute to Warrior.

To the surprise of many, Cole introduced Triple H.

Triple H would spend about the next five minutes gushing about Warrior and how he was an inspiration to everyone. He touched upon their differences, stating that he was glad that, with age, came wisdom. He was happy that the two of them were able to discover that wisdom and maturity to patch up their differences.

Then he introduced Dana Warrior and her daughters.

Dana received “WARRIOR” chants and started to visibly break down. She would nearly lose it when Michael Cole and Triple H unveiled WWE’s tribute…a Warrior sculpture.

Afterward, Dana gave a speech, commending WWE for their care after Warrior’s passing and, praised Triple H, himself, calling him, “This bad guy right here.” Warrior thanked all the fans for the years of support and promised that Warrior would live forever no matter what.

After that, the Warrior Family paid tribute to Warrior by grabbing the top rope and shaking it wildly while Warrior’s music pumped over the speakers.

It was an incredible, moving moment.

After this, Danielle and I made a stop at the WWE WrestleMania Museum which featured the wardrobe and props used by various WWE Superstars and personnel as well as historical photos, magazines and video. The wardrobe for Warrior and Randy Savage, alone, were worth the walkthrough.

First, was Warrior:

Luckily, we got to see the statue as they had just rolled it in.

Next was Savage.

Two things Danielle said here:

1) “Hogan has gigantic feet”

2) “Oh, look: he gets the entire set-up and Sting gets a dinky little cameo…figures…”

Wardrobe for The Bushwhackers, Ric Flair and Larry Zbyszko.

Rikishi and Harley Race were also represented.

And various memorabilia and props from several different WrestleManias…

Danielle even posed with a life-size Andre the Giant statue…

Danielle took a pic of me with fellow Italian, Bruno Sammartino…

We decided to go home after this…but ran into a signature booth we couldn’t pass up…Jake “The Snake” Roberts was signing…

I DID feel terrible: I gushed over Jake, telling him how I watched him when I was a kid and that my favorite storyline was when he feuded with Rick Martel…and I barely paid attention to Ivory who was sitting next to him. Poor woman even injected herself into the conversation by saying, “That’s why we’re here…we jog your memory.” She smiled sweetly and I said, “Yeah, you all do. Thank you, Ivory.”

Jake shrugged and said to her, “Yeah…or we completely lose our memories and struggle to remember this stuff because we’re ancient!” Both of them laughed and asked if I wanted a photo…to which I said, “Hell, yes!”

I have to say that both of them have aged well. Danielle got a photo, too. She met Ivory and told her she was beautiful, then told Jake that he was proud of him for everything he’s done in his career — especially outside the ring. (A reference, of course, to overcoming his addiction issues.) She said that he was an inspiration to so many people, including herself. He thanked her and she got a photo.

And, so, that was Day 1. Tonight, it’s back to Axxess for more fun, followed by the Hall of Fame on Saturday, WrestleMania at Levi’s on Sunday and RAW on Monday…

‘Til then…er…that’s it.

AMC’s ‘The Walking Dead’ Companion Series Gets a Title And It Will Make You Shake In Your Boots

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March 27, 2015

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IT’S OFFICIAL! The walking dead companion show on AMC is called FEAR THE WALKING DEAD! Expect more news very soon! #FearTheWalkingDead

— Robert Kirkman (@RobertKirkman) March 27, 2015

No, really. That’s the name AMC chose.

Rejected titles include:

“The Walking Dead Are Dead”
“The Running Dead”
“The Walking Dead and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day”

And my personal favorite:

“Shuffling Feet Means Get Off The Street”

No matter how ridiculous the title may be, AMC has already ordered two seasons of the show, so we better get used to it. The first six episodes will air this summer with the remaining set to release in 2016 for season two.

Oh, and here’s the logo we’ve been blessed with:

If I Fits, I Sits: Your Favorite ‘Game of Thrones’ Characters as Cats (And More!)

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March 27, 2015

Over here at the Workprint, we love a good parody. Take something as serious as Game of Thrones and fill it up with fat cats and we are all over it. Which is why we found KittyCassandra’s Cat Paintings so endearing. It’s hard to hate Joffrey when he looks so cute trying to fit into a box that’s too small. SILLY BABY KING.

Bran makes a guest appearance. See if you can spot him.

KittyCassandr has more Cat-tastic character art from our favorite TV shows. Just check out her Etsy page for Broad City, Orange is the New Black, and Orphan Black artwork.

The humor of Parks and Recreation cat artwork isn’t lost on me. It’s almost like the writers were begging for cat parodies with a town name like “Pawnee.”

Bonus Xena: Warrior Cat artwork with a pug.

Thoughts from Ted Mosby’s Son on ‘How I Met Your Mother’ Finale One Year Later

By

Alan Danzis

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March 27, 2015

It’s no secret. I hated the series finale of How I Met Your Mother, when I recapped and reviewed it for BuddyTV.

One year later … do I still hate it? Yes, yes I do.

But I was also curious what one of the stars of the infamous final scene thought one year later. So recently, I had an opportunity to speak with David Henrie, who played Ted Mosby’s son on the show. Henrie was also Russo in Disney’s Wizards of Waverly Place and has directed a few short films, including Boo! and Catch. He will be starring in Little Boy, written and directed by Alejandro Monteverde. The film premieres April 24.

It’s been a year since the finale ended. What did you actually think of the ending? Have you re-watched it since it first aired?
No, I haven’t had a chance to re-watch it! I knew the ending all those years so I was just waiting for it to happen already lol!!

I’m sure you’ve been asked about what you thought about the ending a thousand times, so instead, let me ask you this: what did you think of the outcry and the backlash to the ending that originally aired?
I mean people were passionate about the show … makes sense that they’d have strong opinions. All endings of beloved shows beget that. [It’s] a sign that the creators were doing something right for all those years.

OK fine, because people will yell at me if I don’t ask it: what did you ultimately think of the ending? Do you think they should have gone with the one on the Blu-Ray where the “mother” lives?
I didn’t have a problem with it. I especially loved what they did with Barney.

Do you keep in touch with your “sister” Lyndsy Fonseca? Have you seen her on Agent Carter this season?
We see each other every so often. No, I [haven’t seen Agent Carter] yet.

When you’re walking down the street—do you think you get more recognized as Ted Mosby’s son from How I Met Your Mother or as Justin Russo from Disney’s Wizards of Waverly Place?
Wizards of Waverly Place for sure.

You’ve directed a couple of your own short films, and will next be seen in a film called Little Boy. Do you think you’ll ever find yourself going back to television?
I’m not opposed to it—we’ll see where God takes me.

Tell us about the two short films you did: Boo! and Catch. Where can we see them?
Boo you can see on YouTube. It was an experimental short to inspire people to get out there and shoot content. We shot it in one night and popped it online fast. Catch you can see on iTunes and the website. This was the first thing I did that had a crew and professional set. It’s an inspiring father/son tale that I feel every family should watch.

Tell me about your role in Little Boy and why people should go see it when it comes out April 24.
It’s a period piece that deals with timeless problems. A family gets ripped apart due to war, and the story focuses on a little boy who misses his father very much who is off fighting. It’s inspiring and uplifting, and many tears will be shed. You’ll leave the theater ready to change the world hahaha!

I read your piece on TheWrap and I really enjoyed you talking about what you’re so committed to making pieces about a father’s love. Tell me where that love and passion for those kinds of projects comes from.
It’s such a fundamental human relationship that makes such an impact on people for the rest of their lives for better or worse. So it’s important to tell stories about fathers/sons and daughters because if we can help bring a family together and get fathers more involved in their kids lives we literally can save lives and make a difference.

What would you say are the top five or top ten father/son relationships on television? (And would you include Ted Mosby and your character in that?)
I honestly can’t answer that cuz there are so many shows out there it’s hard to keep up with all of them. I spend a lot of my time working and it’s hard to find time to even watch much TV.

Where else can we see you in 2015?
Two films in April hitting theaters: Little Boy and Mall Cops 2! Please check them both out!

‘Archer’ Review: Drastic Voyage – Part 1

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March 26, 2015

Archer
Season 6, Episode 12 – “Drastic Voyage: Part 1”
Air Date – March 26, 2015
Grade: C+

Six seasons in, Archer has settled pretty comfortably into a formula. The premises of most episodes are plucked straight from classic spy, action, and science fiction genres and filtered through the show’s insane characters and sharp writing. It’s a consistent and reliable formula, but it can be challenging for any particular episode to stand out based on its premise alone. “Drastic Voyage: Part 1” takes the plot from the 1966 film Fantastic Voyage, but even the entire cast being miniaturized and injected into a comatose scientist’s body is only slightly stranger than usual (after all, this season also contained aliens). As the first half of a two part finale, “Drastic Voyage: Part 1” necessarily contains a lot of set up and doesn’t offer too much on its own, but the tried and true formula of cramming everyone into close quarters on a mission should still hold up pretty well for next week’s season ender.

Special Agent Hawley (Gary Cole) returns with a special assignment for Malory’s office: Dr. Zoltan Kovacs has been developing a process for molecular miniaturization (“Aren’t they already pretty small?”), but he’s left in a coma after an attempted kidnapping, and now it’s up to Archer and the others to enter the doctor’s brain using his own technology and destroy the blood clot before it kills him. Joining them on their fantastic voyage is Dr. Sklodowska (Carrie Brownstein), Dr. Kovacs’ assistant and lover. The entire cast is involved in the mission in one way or another: Krieger doesn’t get miniaturized but is instead supporting the surgical team, while Ray and Cyril pilot the vehicle, and Pam and Cheryl are also aboard because they “always stow away somehow”. Malory isn’t on the mission unfortunately, but at least she’s with mission control and somewhat closer to the action this time.

The stakes are a bit higher, as well–along with the inherent dangers of the mission, failure will result in everyone getting blacklisted from espionage work. Hawley correctly points out that they’ve ruined nearly every mission the CIA has assigned them, and it’s good to finally see some real consequences in a season that seemed particularly dismissive of them, even if everything will almost certainly turn out fine. Along similar lines, Lana finds herself much more nervous about the mission now that she has AJ in her life, while Archer remains as cavalier as ever. Though it should go without saying at this point, Lana asks Archer whether he’s even capable of grasping the concept of his own mortality, to which he simply replies: “Lana, nobody can.”

The humor is more scattered and inconsistent than usual; Archer continually antagonizing everyone around him (particularly Slater) is great as always, but other jokes fell a little flat. Ray’s new hand is black and there are plenty of jokes at his expense, but overall his newfound indignation doesn’t quite reach the levels of comic absurdity that Robert Downey Jr’s character in Tropic Thunder does. Pam and Cheryl’s moments feel more superfluous than usual since they’re explicitly included but aren’t given anything to do, which defuses much of their usual mischief (though I’m sure they’ll get into plenty of trouble in part two). Finally, a brief and unexpected cameo by TV’s Michael Gray in a Slim Goodbody-esque body suit likely won’t have much of an impact unless you grew up during the seventies.

Successfully miniaturized, the team only has sixty minutes to find the blood clot in his brain, destroy it, and escape before the process is reversed. Unfortunately, Krieger chooses an inopportune time to stand up for himself, and his disruption causes the ship to be injected into Dr. Kovacs’ leg instead of his brain. It’s Fantastic Voyage through and through, which begs the question: is there a saboteur in their midst? “Drastic Voyage: Part 1” unfortunately doesn’t stand very well on its own, but all the pieces are in place for a fun and exciting season finale.

“Lana, he’s the one ashamed of his hand’s heritage, not me!”
“I decided to let Ray drive… with his racist robot monster hand!”
“Well?! You won’t bleed him, you won’t cup him, you won’t divine his humors; for all you charlatans know, this poor man is both phlegmatic and bilious!”
“Oh, and by the way, if I was a clone of Adolf goddamn Hitler, wouldn’t I look like Adolf goddamn Hitler?”

Bones Review: They’re Back! Sweets Isn’t.

By

Trisha Leigh

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March 26, 2015

It seems like it’s been forever since Bones has been part of our Thursday nights. They took an extended break over the holidays and then some, but tonight the whole crew–plus a couple of special (cheesy) appearances–returned to our homes.

Bones is in its 10th season and has already been renewed for an 11th, so chances are that if you (like me) are still watching it’s because you’re a fan. A LOYAL fan, because whoo-boy were there some horrible whole seasons in the middle of this run. Lucky for us, they’ve come out the other side.

That said, even though I’ve been enjoying Season 10 very much, this return episode came off a little maudlin, the emotions cheap and phoned in, gathered based on our love of a departed character and not because of any inspired writing or performances.

At first, I thought the fact that the episode began in the lab instead of focused on some poor civilian about to stumble upon the ickiest thing they can imagine meant that we were going to be spared the weekly gross-out but that, of course, was wishful thinking. A man found a woman’s body inside a tree he was cutting down–a woman they soon identify as a psychic.

Not a real one, like Avalon (who yes, makes an appearance in the episode) but a charlatan. Her career choice has driven a wedge between her and her religious father, she had not one, but at least two lesbian relationships and the charlatan psychic who taught her how to swindle people was pissed when she struck out on her own with some of his clients.

The girl had enemies, suffice to say. and I guess if any of us got bumped off unexpectedly we’d all have people come out of the woodwork with alibis to spare.

While Booth, Bones, and the other Squinterns track down the killer, Avalon (Cyndi Lauper) shows up to offer her services. At first, she thinks she’s there to help with the case about the psychic but she soon realizes that the person trying to connect from the other side is Sweets (John Francis Daley).

It’s Sweets’s birthday, you see, and Booth (David Boreanaz) realized it that morning because he was supposed to bring some special kind of donut. That made Brennan sad so she brought it up at work and so then Hodgins (TJ Thyne) and Angela were sad too.

Everyone was very, very sad. When Avalon brought up Sweets, Hodgins–who definitely thinks psychics are full of baloney–told her not to talk about his friend!

Does it sound to anyone else as though I’m describing the plot of a children’s book, here? Because that’s kind of how I felt watching it.

At any rate, our guys solve the case and Avalon finally figures out what Sweets wanted. He had a thumb drive in the car that Daisy is getting ready to sell. It turns out to be a book (a romance novel) that he wrote based on his research and sessions with Booth and Brennan over the years–discovered just moments after Christine randomly asks her parents to tell her a love story.

There was a small storyline with relatively new Squintern Rodolfo Fuentes (Ignacio Serricchio) in which he’s caught with medicines he intends to smuggle out of the US and back to Cuba, where they’re needed. Cam (Tamara Taylor) is all set to fire him before Brennan (Emily Deschanel) steps in. She informs them all that she had one of Booth’s friends at the CIA take the medicine and get it to Cuba, and if Cam fires Rodolfo then she’ll have to fire Bones, too. That’s pretty much the end of that conversation, and I loved how Brennan stepped up and did what needed to be done, since Cam’s character remains incapable of bending even the slightest rule.

The episode wasn’t terrible, by any means, but despite the inclusion of Sweets’s memory there wasn’t anything special about it, either. Like I said, the emotion seems dependent on our feelings for Sweets as opposed to being earned by a great script, and that’s the slightest bit disappointing since we waited so long for this episode. Even the moment between Angela and Hodgins (in which Michaela Conlin was REALLY trying), where she uses science and research to force him to admit that he can’t definitively say there’s no such thing as spirits and mediums, fell more than a little flat, for me.

Hopefully they’ll be back on their game next week! Regardless of one lackluster episode, I couldn’t be happier that the team at the Jeffersonian is back for the duration.

Bones (Season 10, Episode 11) “The Psychic in the Soup” aired Thursday, March 26th at 8/7c.

History Renews ‘Vikings’ for Season Four

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March 26, 2015

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History Channel is moving ahead with the renewal of Vikings for its fourth season, the network announced on Thursday.

“VIKINGS has raided the hearts of both audiences and critics, establishing itself as one of the most compelling, visually stunning dramas on television,” said Dirk Hoogstra, EVP and General Manager, History & H2. “We are so proud of our immensely talented cast and crew led by Michael Hirst, whose intriguing storylines and pivotal arcs have the perfect balance of scope, smarts and bloodshed to keep our loyal fans watching and wanting more.”

The Viking drama starring Travis Fimmel as Ragnar Lothbrok tells the tale of the lives and adventures of the Viking warriors and portrays life in the Dark Ages through the eyes of Viking society. The series also stars Clive Standen, Katheryn Winnick and Alexander Ludwig.

Five new episodes remain in the current season airing Thursdays at 10 p.m. with the season finale slated for Thursday, April 23 at 10 p.m.

First Look: Tom Hiddleston in ‘The Night Manager’

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March 26, 2015

Tom Hiddleston fans rejoice! BBC One has just released a first look image of Hiddleston in John le Carre’s “The Night Manager.”

Hiddleston’s official Facebook page also released another image:

The actor himself posted a behind the scenes look via Twitter on March 21st:

The walk to work. #TheNightManager pic.twitter.com/WaZaTq1gFh

— Tom Hiddleston (@twhiddleston) March 21, 2015

Originally published in 1993, the post-Cold War book follows Jonathan Pine, a former British soldier turned hotel night manager. He becomes entangled with a mysterious French-Arab woman named Sophie who has ties to dangerous English black marketeer Richard Onslow Roper. Pine finds himself in perilous circumstances as he goes undercover deep into Roper’s organization.

Filming is currently underway on the adaptation of the espionage novel that co-stars Hugh Laurie. AMC will air the series in the United States with an expected 2016 broadcast. The series also features Olivia Colman, Tom Hollander and Elizabeth Debicki.

Sources: BBC One Official Facebook, Tom Hiddleston Official Facebook

Doctor Who’s Matt Smith Headed to Harry Potter Spin-Off?

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March 26, 2015

Originally reported in the UK tabloid The Sun, rumors are circulating that Matt Smith, most known for his role as the eleventh doctor in the Doctor Who series, is currently the top pick for the Harry Potter spin-off “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.”

Smith could play magizoologist Newt Scamander in the film adaptation of the J.K. Rowling novel, set 80 years before the “Harry Potter” series in New York. The book was first released in 2001.

“Fantastic Beasts” is being produced by David Heyman, directed by David Yates and screenplay by Rowling. The first film of the trilogy is expected to be in theaters on November 18. 2016.

The actor will be next seen in “Terminator: Genisys, ” which comes out July 1 and “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.”

Source: MTV

Sam Taylor-Johnson Leaving ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Franchise

By

Matt Perri

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March 26, 2015

In a surprise to virtually nobody, director Sam Taylor-Johnson announced that she was leaving the “Fifty Shades of Grey” franchise for good.

In an exclusive statement to Deadline, the director stated the following:

“Directing Fifty Shades Of Grey has been an intense and incredible journey for which I am hugely grateful, I have [studio] Universal to thank for that. I forged close and lasting relationships with the cast, producers and crew and most especially, with Dakota [Johnson] and Jamie [Dornan]. While I will not be returning to direct the sequels, I wish nothing but success to whosoever takes on the exciting challenges of films two and three.”

The franchise has already experienced its fair share of criticism and behind-the-scenes woes.

The first film didn’t fare well with critics, garnering a total of 25% on the metacritic site, Rotten Tomatoes, with the majority of critics complaining about wooden performances, horrible dialogue and thin plotting — all things its literary counterpart has in common. The book series, which was originally conceived as Twilight fan fiction, is about a successful business magnate — and practicing sadomasochist — who draws the attention of a young college student, with whom he ends up having an affair. It was universally panned by the literary world, with no less of an authority than Sir Salman Rushdie declaring that it was “badly written” and made Twilight “look like War and Peace.”

The film adaptation was plagued by issues ranging from a lack of chemistry between the two leads (magnified by their uncomfortable and awkward television interviews) to battles between director Johnson and author E.L. James over creative control

The latter was confirmed when Johnson told Vanity Fair that her and James “battled all the way through,” with “tough times” and “sparring contests” and is thought to be the impetus behind Johnson’s departure.

But, despite its problems, the series has a dedicated, worldwide following. The books (which have been printed in 50 different languages) have sold well over 100 million copies while the recent film adaptation of the first book has grossed over $500 million dollars in both foreign and domestic markets.

The sequels will go on with or without Johnson.

Following the financial success of the first film in the series, Universal announced that the next two books will also see film adaptations with the next installment reportedly due in 2017.

5 Times Robb Stark was Hotter than Jon Snow

By

Trisha Leigh

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March 26, 2015

7

WINTER IS COMING, FRIENDS AND ENEMIES.

The best time of year is nearly upon us, ya’ll – only a little over two weeks until Game of Thrones is back in our lives!! The show (and the books) haven’t been the same since the rough and untimely demise of one Robb Stark, so I’d like to take a moment to honor him in the classiest way possible, because THE NORTH REMEMBERS.

Here, for your viewing pleasure, are five times Robb was hotter than Jon.

1. When he’s shirtless. Jon Who?

2. When he’s holding puppies.

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU HOLD A PUPPY, JON SNOW.

3. When he’s smiling.

Since Jon Snow is always too busy angst-facing to smile, Robb should win this category by default. I’m pretty sure Jon thinks he’s smiling right here:

But I mean…look at that smile. Robb would win anyway.

4. When he pierces our hearts with those baby blues. No contest.

5. When he says things like this:

And when Jon Snow is propositioned, his face looks like this:

There is one instance where Jon Snow beats Robb Stark every time – angsting. Man, can the bastard ANGST, y’all. ALL BOO-HOO ALL THE TIME.

No contest, though I would still argue that Robb looks sexier doing it.

You can disagree with me if you want, but your arguments are fruitless. My proof is rock solid. Like Robb’s abs and my heart toward the Frey’s.

The Americans Recap: Time Out for Feelings

By

Trisha Leigh

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March 25, 2015

I’ve really enjoyed what Gabriel’s character has brought to the series of late, and tonight was no exception. As a fellow word nerd, the scene at the end of the episode where he explains to Philip that the word love comes from the Latin – amare – while the word wedlock comes to us by Nordic descent.

The latter says nothing about love at all.

Because wedlock? It’s an ongoing battle. A fight. And endless series choices and negotiations solved by practice. Or not.

This week, we took a (small) break from the increasing anxiety wrought by the Jennings’s multiple assignments that have come to a boil and take a look at what this life is doing to them, together and apart. I don’t know about you, but I am grateful for the breather. So is my ulcer.

The marriage between Elizabeth (Keri Russell) and Philip (Matthew Rys) has always been complicated. With Philip needing to spend more time with Martha (Alison Wright) to try to smooth things over at the FBI and things still rocky over the decision on whether or not to recruit Paige, the two of them haven’t really connected in weeks.

Philip tells Elizabeth that he trusts Martha, that she’ll protect him no matter what, and her arguments fall on deaf ears when Gabriel (Frank Langella) agrees with Philip…but not on a hard heart. Her husband’s obvious affection for the “other woman” has started to hurt Elizabeth and I’d say watch out Martha, because there’s a 50/50 shot that means she ends up dead the first opening Elizabeth sees. Things seem to be quiet on that front, however, and even when Gabriel tells the Jennings’s to break into the repair shop that’s working on the motorized mail cart the FBI uses, he assures Philip that Martha won’t be asked to change the tapes.

To make that happen, the two of them break into the repair company to plant the bug in the damaged mail delivery cart. Even though it’s a small business and it’s the middle of the night, they’re interrupted by an elderly woman who likes to do the books in the peace and quiet. For some reason, probably to dispel her fear, she begins to talk to Elizabeth–about her husband, about marriage, life children, the business–and it doesn’t take two minutes before my heart starts to break, because I know they’re going to kill her.

That fact is affecting Elizabeth, and she’s more emotional in those scenes than we’ve seen her maybe ever. It’s clear that she admires this woman, that she feels badly about the situation, but things like that have never really bothered her before. It’s Philip. Elizabeth is realizing that she wants more than a sham of a marriage and a partner in crime–she’s in love with him and she wants things to work.

Not such an easy task given the world they live in, one where old ladies are forced to take a handful of pills, you’re both regularly having sex with other people, and neither of you can agree on whether to involve your teenage daughter in an organization that will define the rest of her life.

It hurts to watch them struggle this way. Elizabeth is crying when she returns to Philip in the repair shop but turns away, refusing to trust him with her fragile emotions over the old woman’s death. Perhaps if he’d been more understanding, less cold, when she tried to share the intimacies of the woman’s life ten minutes before things would have been different but these two often miss one another’s vulnerable times. One is ready to open up when the other is at their most closed off, leaving them passing ships in the night that are forever tied together, destined to crash on the waves but not float side-by-side.

Wow. I am cheesy tonight. Pass the wine.

I don’t know when the two of them became not only a compelling couple but one that I really, truly root for in a romantic sense. One of the things that makes this show so great is that while we can all agree that the Jennings’s are not actually good people, we want them to get away scot free with equal passion to wanting them to get caught. Great writing, great acting…those accomplish this feat.

There are two other stories in this episode – Stan (Noah Emmerich) and Oleg (Costa Ronin) have teamed up to try to make some roundabout play for Nina’s freedom. Like typical men, it’s never entered either of their minds that she’s able to take herself. Which she is. #TeamNina

The student Elizabeth has been training was seen during the previous week’s operation so she lets him go. His response to this is to go murder the poor kid who I was just SO RELIEVED they didn’t kill last week–and not in a pretty way, either.

Then again, since we’ve been subjected to crunching bones, up-close teeth pulling, and setting people on fire this season, one little shot out eyeball is hardly anything to run to the toilet over.

The episode ends with Philip and Gabriel playing Scrabble. Gabriel tries to drop some of his terribly clever psychobabble but tonight, Philip is having none of it. Things are shit at home, they’re rocky with Martha, he’s still got sleeping with a teenage girl to look forward to and his son is on the front lines in Afghanistan, so now is not the time to try to take advantage of the guy. After opening up about how he felt a bolt of lightning the first time he saw Elizabeth–and that he’s never felt that way before or since–he tells Gabriel as much, dropping the mic at the end of the episode with a promise that he’ll do whatever it takes to protect his family.

The thing is, I think we all know–Philip included–how impossible that promise is. I love The Americans, but I hate how it’s starting to feel as though any kind of happy ending for these characters that have wormed their way into my heart is sliding further and further off the table.

The Americans, Season 3 Episode 9 “Do Mail Robots Dream of Electric Sheep” aired Wednesday, March 25th at 10/9c.

‘Dancing With the Stars’ Review: Week Two is ‘Erect’ with Emotion

By

Kelley Lynn

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March 25, 2015

It is Week 2 of our favorite Mirror Ball Trophy cheese-fest party, and Dancing With the Stars is already in emotional overdrive. Normally, the sobbing and inspiring storylines and incredible dancing don’t kick into gear until at LEAST week 3 – but not this season. They aren’t foolin’ around. This week was called “My Jam Monday”, and each star chose their favorite song, or “jam”, as the kids call it, to dance to. It was also the first week where someone was eliminated. Let’s not waste any more time. Old man judge Len has to be tucked into bed with his warm milk and blankie by 10 …

Farmer Dull / Witney: NOTE: Witney, the dancer, is not to be confused with Whitney, the fiance of bachelor Chris Soules. And while we’re at it, please don’t confuse Chris Soules with a loaf of bread or paper towels, because his personality is similar to both. (Here comes more hate mail …… ) These two did the Cha-cha to a song by Pitbull, which is apparently what this farmer listens to. Pitbull? Really? I think someone else picked out this tune for him, because he probably chose something really boring and the producers said “No, dude. That song sucks. Let’s go with Pitbull.”

While rehearsing, Corn-husk for Brains said “I just don’t get all the counting. I don’t get it.” Witney’s response to this was to leave the room and question her entire existence. When she returned, all was magically fine and the two pulled off a pretty okay dance, while looking stunning in matching electric blue. Bruno told Blah-Face that this week, he was “much more erect.” To which Tom Bergeron replied: “So, you watched The Bachelor too, Bruno?” Horny Carrie Ann followed up with “You are soooo ready!” Ready for what? A throw-down in her bedroom? An orgy with her and Bruno? Then she warned him about his hands being a little bit too “T-Rex-y.” This is a favorite thing of hers to say. Constantly with the “T-Rex” comments, comparing dancers hands to dinosaurs. What is with the dinosaur references, woman? Scores were low at 5/6/5/5.

Suzanne / Tony: Their Jive was to “Whole Lotta Shakin'”, and it was really well-done. Tony said he wanted the audience to “forget that Suzanne is 68 yrs old.” We might be able to do that if you all don’t keep reminding us every two seconds that she is 68. That being said, she has amazing legs and moves extremely well for … well … 68. The routine began with Suzanne on top of a piano, and only got better from there, with lots of shaking of body parts and fun. Julianne called it “awesome.” Bruno creepily said “you were all pert and alert!” Len thought it had “energy and verve.” Really, Len? Verve? Who says verve? Scores were 7/7/7/7.

Robert / Kym: Well its only Week 2, and I think I’ve had enough of all the shark references when it comes to this guy. Besides, he is so goofy. He never stops smiling, ever. I hope he doesn’t have to ever do a tragic or sad dance, because he will be smiling creepily the whole way through it. He reminds me of Guy Smiley from Sesame Street. Their Foxtrot to a Michael Buble song was well-done, and Buble himself showed up via satellite to wish them well. Len said the dance had “style and panache.” Panache? What is it with these terms? Scores were a familiar 7/7/7/7.

Charlotte / Keo : Am I a horrible person for not remembering who this person is or why she is famous? I think she is a model, but all I can recall is “Boobs McGee” in my mind. In any case, she was upset about lots of mean and nasty comments on Twitter about her, calling her stupid and a bad influence on young girls. That sucks, that people would write such cruel things. Yes, I lightly mock this show and some of the people on it, but it is not ever mean-spirited. It is all in good fun, and even Tom Bergeron approves, as he has shared my reviews on his Twitter page multiple times now. (Thank you so much, Tom!!! You are truly the best.) But to go on someone’s Twitter page and bully them and insult them is just rude and hurtful. They had a great comeback to it with their well-danced Cha-cha that was surfer-themed. Horny Carrie Ann shouted “You really gave it to me!” Gave WHAT to you? Calm down, lady. Backstage, Erin Andrews sympathized with the social media insults hurting, telling Charlotte “they come after my nose all the time.” Scores were 7/6/7/6.

Michael / Peta: Another foxtrot, and it was quite impressive. Bruno noticed “your bum is still sticking out. I know it’s there, and I know it’s great.” Wow. Have a seat next to Horny Carrie Ann, Bruno. You’re scaring the contestants. Scores were solid at 7/7/7/7.

Rumer / Val: They did the Cha-cha to Adele’s “Rumor Has It”, because .. well … Rumor. …. Rumer …. get it? Good. Val told Rumer that he was intimidated by her dad last week (Bruce Willis) sitting in the audience with his stone-cold face that never changed expression. Backstage, Erin and the pair all imitated the Bruce face together, which was very funny. In the ballroom, their dance was excellent once again. There was a LOT of fog coming out of that fog machine though, so it was hard to even see in the beginning. But this girl is talented! Julianne called her a powerhouse, while Len proclaimed “You can dance!” High scores were at 8/8/8/8.

RedFoo / Emma: I’m sorry, but I still can’t take anyone named RedFoo seriously. Either way, they did the Jive to “My Sharona”, and everyone went nuts for it. It was very good, but the place went batshit crazy about it, which I didn’t really understand. Bruno called him “ignited”, and Horny Carrie Ann said it was “so in the zone.” The zone of what? Your desperately lonely vagina? Scores were 8/7/8/8.

Willow / Mark: This was one of my favorite dances of the night. The Argentine Tango, which is always challenging and always so beautiful when done correctly. This was done not only correctly, but with such creativity and cleverness. Whoever came up with this concept is genius. Their song choice was Gutye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know”, and they chose to pay homage to the cool as hell music video. So, their costumes were covered in paint colors , which they splattered on themselves by attacking one another with paintballs. I don’t know any of the terminology of the moves in this dance, but I loooove that thing where the woman leans forward into the man and sort of becomes “limp”, as he glides her across the floor. It is so gorgeous looking, and they did it beautifully. And yes, she is only 14 years old, and this was an incredible dance, for any age. Carrie Ann thought the concept was brilliant, Len found it fabulous, and Bruno went as far as to call Willow “a potential winner.” Scores were 8/8/8/8.

Noah / Sharna: Okay, here came the first real sets of tears, PLUS the “inspirational moment”, all in one couple. During rehearsals, Noah was talking with his girlfriend via iPad/Skype, as she is gone at basic training in the army for 6 months. He misses her like mad and dedicates his dance and song to her, a song by Darius Rucker about love. Sharna tells him to pretend that she is his girlfriend during their dance, he does, and it is a great dance. Now remember, this man has ONE ARM AND ONE LEG ONLY!!! So go ahead and add that to the mix of inspirational and emotional and all that jazz. So the judges are giving their comments, and Len says “I’m 70 years old and I’m getting jealous. Put your shirt back on.” Bruno then also refers to Noah’s “A-pack”, and then Horny Carrie Ann brings it all home with “that was soooo HOT! Like, really hot!!!” Backstage, scores are 7/6/7/7. Erin asks Noah how it’s been without his girlfriend here to support him. He says “Its been really hard, but I’m picking her up in 2 days, so …”. Erin says: “OR … right now!”, and his girlfriend appears out of nowhere, there in person, and they hug and hold each other endlessly. They are both crying, as is the entire universe. My God ……

Nastia / Derek: The Rumba – another favorite dance of mine. This was truly gorgeous. Nothing more to say, really. It was just awesome and kind of flawless. Bruno agreed. Carrie Ann called it spectacular. Len called it “clean and crisp, unlike my old man bladder.” Okay, maybe he didn’t say that last part. I can’t be sure. Scores were 9/8/8/9.

Riker / Allison : Foxtrot. They took his stupid hair and made it less stupid by pulling it behind his face. He is a pretty good dancer. Horny Carrie Ann practically invited him back to her place: “You were hot. You look hot. So hot. Very sexy … I have to stop.” Yes, yes you do. Creeper. Scores were 8/8/8/8.

Patti / Artem: I loved, loved, loved, loved the fact that Patti LaBelle unapologetically chose 50 Cent’s “In Da Club” as her jam, and then danced it up like a party animal. It was fantastic. She took on the role and you could tell she was loving every minute of this song. Their salsa was such a blast, and cool as hell. Julianne said she wants to go to the club with her and dance. Bruno called it “Kooky. VIP. Empire. Hot.” What on earth are you talkin’ bout, Willis? Scores were 7/7/7/7.

RESULTS: RedFoo and his silly name and hair go home. Everyone is sad and shocked. That’s what you get for being named RedFoo. Tune in next week, when emotions fly high, and there’s a shocking murder on the dance floor. (Not really. But now youll watch, right?)

Jubilee Joins ‘X-Men: Age of Apocalypse’

By

Justin Carter

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March 25, 2015