2015: Sting returns to challenge Rollins

August 26, 2015

We are 24 hours removed from SummerSlam and it was a decent show with some very strange booking at the end of the main events. Obviously, it foreshadows what we might see at WrestleMania — but first thing’s first: let’s see what happens in the first lead-up to Night of Champions…

We start with a segment with Triple H and Seth Rollins. They’re at WWE Headquarters. Rollins brags about beating Cena, declaring “THE CHAMP…IS…HERE!” and shows off both belts. Triple H says that he’s proud of Rollins. He beat one of the greatest superstars ever. He says that Rollins is no longer “the future”. He’s “the man”. He says a promise is a promise. Rollins will have a statue next to Bruno Sammartino, The Ultimate Warrior and Andre the Giant. Rollins says that he’s excited and thanks Triple H, hugging him in a fairly moving segment.

We get the show titles…

…and we are LIVE(!!!) from Brooklyn, New York for Monday Night RAW!!!

Cole, JBL and Saxton are your hosts.

TONIGHT: Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose take on the Wyatts in a re-match from last night.

ALSO: Jon Stewart is here to explain why he did what he did.

Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman start us off, coming to the ring. Brock’s face looks a bit ripped up from last night’s fight with The Undertaker. The crowd does their usual SUPLEX CITY chant. Heyman is the “pissed-off advocate” for Brock Lesnar. Heyman wants to know what the hell happened last night. How did we go from making The Undertaker tap out to getting a victory over Brock Lesnar? Brock took The Undertaker to Suplex City. Last night, Brock locked The Undertaker in the Kimura. We get video of ‘Taker tapping out. Heyman says he knows how hard it is to stop believing in a fairy tale, but the reality is always harsh and The Undertaker tapped. He calls The Undertaker a wuss who basically told Lesnar he was a better fighter by tapping out. Heyman says he doesn’t blame the timekeeper who jumped the gun. The timekeeper knew ‘Taker tapped. Heyman says that The Undertaker collapsed on the way to the backstage area. The crowd’s getting impatient but Heyman doesn’t care. He says he has “enough material to last all three hours of Monday Night RAW”. He says that The Undertaker was desperate and nailed Lesnar with ANOTHER Low Blow. He put Lesnar in Hell’s Gate and instead of tapping, Lesnar gave the ultimate symbol of disrespect with the middle finger, telling ‘Taker to “GFY”. (DANIELLE: HEY! You and I always say “GFS”! I’m suing!) He says that The Undertaker thinks he’s the ancient “gunslinger” who can shoot it out with anyone in the back. He gets that. So, Brock wants to face The Undertaker one more time — and he wants it TONIGHT. He tells The Undertaker to get out to the ring for the re-match…

But, oh dear, out comes Bo Dallas to get murdered. Even by outrageous booking standards, this is unbelievable. Cole: “He’s not ‘The Dead Man’, he’s a con-man.” JBL: “He’s about to be a dead man…” Blah, blah, blah, BO-LIEVE! Lesnar clotheslines his head off and hits four straight German Suplexes before leaving the ring. Heyman stops him and says, “One more.” Brock goes back and hits #5 as the crowd basically advocates Brock killing Bo and yells for another one. Brock leaves again — but Heyman stops him and says, “One for me!” Lesnar goes back to the ring and puts Bo up for the F5. Heyman tells Bo to BO-LIEVE. F5 and Brock leaves for good.

TL;DR? Just watch this:

TONIGHT: Team PCB is on MizTV.

NEXT: The New Day is here in action against The Lucha Dragons.

Titus and Darren Young are at ringside for commentary. The New Day come to the ring with Xavier Woods playing “New York, New York” on a trombone.

MATCH #1: Lucha Dragons (Sin Cara & Kalisto) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions The New Day (Kofi Kingston & Big E) (w/ Xavier Woods) (non-title)
Kofi and Cara go at it first. Snapmare by Kofi but Cara gets up and plants Kofi into the mat. Tag to Kalisto who Cara slings into Kofi. There’s a tussel near the ropes and Kalisto sends Kofi outside. E attacks and he ends up outside as well. Kalisto flies at them but E and Kofi catch him. Cara splashes everyone. After a break Sin Cara flips out of trouble and makes a hot tag to Kalisto who flips all over the place, beating up Kofi and hitting a Sunset Flip for two. E and Cara get into it and fall out of the ring. Kofi hits a Reverse Suplex on Kalisto and it’s the 11th Hour for the win at 6:15 as Woods plays “Taps” on the trombone.
WINNERS: The New Day
RATING: 1/2 a *. Boring as hell and far too quick.

Post-match, The Dudley Boyz show up for no reason whatsoever, causing the Brooklyn Smark crowd to shit their pants.Woods goes outside and they hand him his lunch. They dump Kofi, E misses a corner splash. Bubba beats him up and hits a Bionic Elbow, Dusty-style. Woods flies back into the ring and Bubba slams him. They hit Wassup! on Woods and it’s GET THE TABLES time. The Boyz hit a 3-D and everyone in the arena is nuts. The Dudleyz go outside and taunt PTP and the segment ends.

Cole recaps when Jon Stewart cost John Cena the title. JBL forgets he’s a heel announcer and insults Stewart for “being out there”.

TONIGHT: Jon Stewart answers why he attacked Cena.

Cole gives us a look at John Cena granting his 500th Wish for Make-a-Wish. His guest is at RAW tonight.

Triple H and Steph look at Rollins’ new statue which looks like it’s made of chocolate. Rollins interrupts and they cover the statue box. Rollins says he doesn’t wanna spoil the surprise. He’s just here to thank Triple H and Steph. He sucks up to them, telling them that it’s better that they’re in charge. They tell him to get out of here so they can make him immortal.

MATCH #2: Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose vs. The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt & Luke Harper)
Dean starts with Harper and takes him down, then knocks Bray down and dives at him. Harper dives at Dean. Rerbound Clothesline outside to Harper. Reigns hits a Sitting Dropkick to Bray. When we come back, Bray has clotheslined Ambrose. Harper gets in for some stomping and a slingshot into the ropes. Bray comes back in brawls with Dean who comes back with shots of his own until Bray DDT’s him. Bray hits a Gutbuster and it’s a tag to Harper who hits a 360 Senton and Gator Roll. Ambrose breaks the side headlock and slams Harper to the mat. He goes second buckle and hits a Tornado DDT. Hot tag to Reigns who hits a Samoan Drop to Bray as well as two Arm Hook Suplexes. Side Suplex and he sets up for the Superman Punch. He misses and ends up in Sister Abigail. He escapes, clubs Harper, but Bray grabs him for a Spinebuster. Dean makes the save on the pin, then gets into it with Harper. He dumps both men out and dives at them. Back in the ring, Harper Superkicks Dean and Reigns. He and Bray pick up Roman and goe for the Shield Powerbomb but Reigns kicks out. He ends up in Sister Abigail which, I swear, hasn’t worked in a major match since WrestleMania, and SURPRISE! Reigns kicks out and hits the Superman Punch. Dean goes top rope to take out Harper outside. Reigns goes for the Spear — Wyatt Cut. When the lights come back on…what the…? A dude with a black tank, brown pants and huge beard steps into the ring wearing a black sheep mask. Nobody knows who he is. When he takes his mask off, it’s Braun Stowman of NXT but the announcers pretend like NXT doesn’t exist. Reigns tries a Superman Punch but the dude catches Reigns and tosses him across the ring and we get the DQ at 10:37.
WINNERS: Ambrose/Reigns, presumably by DQ
RATING: **. Just kinda there. The action was lacking until the final few minutes.

Post-match, Reigns and Ambrose try to fight this guy but the dude no-sells everything like Zeus used to and chokes both Ambrose and Reigns out. Wyatt and his “Family” celebrate and Wyatt does his Raven thing.

After a break, we get a nice shot of the Barclay Center.

MOMENTS AGO: Evil Santa Claus beat up Reigns and Ambrose.

Miz is in the ring for MizTV. He brings out Team PCB. Miz talks them up. Charlotte “woos”. Miz congratulates Becky for beating Brie. Becky says that doesn’t matter because it doesn’t matter…that…Divas pin other Divas? Huh?! Charlotte talks about Ric Flair and calls The Four Horseman “the greatest faction in WWE history” despite the fact that they were WCW. Miz says he perfected the Figure Four. Charlotte sarcastically says that Miz lived up to her father’s legacy. Miz fights back with his entertainment prowess and presence on social media. Charlotte looks defeated by Miz’s dominant male showcasing and I’m already tired of this. Miz hits on the girls. Paige says they aren’t into him. Charlotte will take on any woman or man. Becky’s LSD kicks in and she suddenly starts fantasizing outloud about matches with ghosts and dinosaurs and cyborgs until Paige tells her to shut the fuck up. Paige says that now is the era of the female athlete. They won’t back down or surrender and they’re dominant as any male competitor.

That brings the Bellas to the ring. Nikki says that Team PCB saying they’re “dominant” is like saying “Donald Trumps favorite holiday is Cinco de Mayo”. Brie gets on the mic and the crowd doesn’t care and chants for Sasha. Fox talks and Becky calls her the “NeNe Leakes of the WWE”. Nikki says that nobody cares about wins and losses. That’s unfortunate. Nikki says that she will be the longest-reigning Divas champ in WWE history in just a few weeks and that’s all that matters. Miz tells them all to shut up which makes the neckbeards fap with glee. Miz tells them to shut up, too. He says it’s all about HIM, not them. They wrestle like a “bunch of girls”. The women get in his face and Miz begs off. The Bellas attack and the crowd is about as blah as a TNA crowd. The Bellas celebrate as we go to break. What a shitty segment.

Oh, remember that segment we just had? It’s a match now.

MATCH #3: Team PCB (Paige, Charlotte & Becky Lynch) vs. Team Bella (Alicia Fox, Brie Bella & WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella)
Brie tags in Nikki who taunts Charlotte and slaps her in the face. Charlotte attacks her and brings her back into the PCB corner where Paige tags in and knees her in the face. Lynch tags in and it’s a wristlock and armbar. Nikki fights back by reversing it, then snaps Becky to the mat. Becky FINALLY fights out and rolls Nikki up twice. Backslide by Becky for two and ANOTHER wristlock. Finally, it’s a tag to Charlotte and an ARMBAR. Nikki tries to break but Charlotte knees her in the gut and tags Paige who powerslams her for two. MORE ARMBARS!!! Finally Nikki breaks and hits a Spinebuster. Paige pushes Nikki into the PCB corner and it’s a three-on-one team-up. Charlotte and Becky double-team Nikki, Rocker-styler, even doing their flip-up. The rest of the Bellas attack but they all get dumped. Charlotte hits a Suicide Dive and we go to break.

When we come back, Nikki’s got Charlotte in a Half Crab. Charlotte breaks and Nikki lunges at her. Charlotte pulls the top rope down and Nikki flies out of the ring. She acts like she’s been hurt and when Charlotte goes to pull her back in, Nikki pulls her out of the ring and runs her into a pole. Nikki just kinda stands around and tosses Charlotte around outside, then rolls her back in the ring as the crowd starts chanting CM PUNK for no reason. Fox gets back in and stars working on Charlotte’s knew. They do the wave as Paige comes in, hitting short-arm clotheslines and a kneelift. Fox comes back and botches a big boot and Paige sells it like Shawn Michaels. The crowd pats themselves on the back, yelling WE ARE AWESOME, then JBL and BORING. Paige hits clotheslines and goes for the PTO but Brie makes the save. Brie hits the Bella Buster and kicks Charlotte to the mat outside. With the ref’s back turned, Nikki hits a forearm. Fox hits a Scissor Kick and, mercifully, we’re done at 14:06.
WINNERS: Team Bella
RATING: 1/2 a *. The Divas Division needs to change. A good start would be giving us a reason to care about any of what we’re seeing. An even better one would be to take the title of Nikki and have the Bellas fired from WWE. The best would be to cut half these women.

TONIGHT: Ryback, Ziggler, Cesaro and Orton vs. Sheamus, Owens, Rusev and Big Show.

King Barrett is in the ring. Stardust arrives to team with him for a match…then he kicks King Barrett’s ass, clotheslining him and hitting Cross Rhodes. He poses on the top rope until Neville shows up. Neville kicks at him and puts him to the mat, going for the Red Arrow. The match isn’t happening. I had to sit through nearly an hour of Divas bullshit to watch Neville and Stardust no-contest in two minutes? Ugh. This show…

Cole recaps the Jon Stewart steel chair thing.

NEXT: Jon Stewart explains why he did what he did last night.

EARLIER TONIGHT: The Dudleyz returned and beat up The New Day.

ON SMACKDOWN: The Dudleyz return. Because this return didn’t count, we guess!

Lillian Garcia brings out Jon Stewart. Part of the crowd has “STEWART SECTION” signs and they start chanting “THANK YOU, STEWART”. He says the crowd is welcome but he knows he upset some people — but others were happy with him. He says that there are some who are still wondering why. He didn’t do it for Rollins or The Authority, he could not let John Cena tie the great Ric Flair for 16 Championships because, in his mind, THE CHAMP…IS…FLAIR.

Flair’s music hits and here he comes! Stewart is proud and both men start strutting. Flair yells “WOO!” He hugs Stewart and tells him that he appreciates what Jon did last night — but he was pulling for Cena. He says that, sooner or later, the record will be broken and he prefers that it be at the hands of somebody he respects. The crowd boos and he tells them they don’t have to like it — just learn to LOVE it. Flair says that Jon messed up everything. Jon says he was trying to help. This brings out Cena.

Crowd is molten-hot in their “John Cena sucks” sing-along. He paces and tells Stewart they need to talk. Stewart feigns ignorance. Cena says that a lot of people will agree with what Stewart did. Cena says that, because of him, Rollins is a multi-title holder. He gave wrestlers a chance to fight for their careers. He lists all his past opponents. Stewart mocks Cena’s U CAN’T SEE ME thing. Cena says that he’s got a punchline. Stewart can stand on a line and Cena can punch him. Crowd hates that. Stewart says he couldn’t let it happen, no matter what. Stewart says that he can still win it back. Cena understands and says that he’s gotta do what he’s gotta do. He grabs Stewart and hits an AA. Crowd isn’t fond of this as Cena leaves. Flair stands there, looking sheepish and tries not to laugh. WWE personnel and refs escort him backstage.

Ugh…shit segment all the way around. Mean-spirited and ugly. This is the consequence of shit-booking Cena. Let’s never do this again.

NEXT: The 8-Man Tag.

MOMENTS AGO: John Cena acts like an asshole.

Renee Young stops John Cena and asks him what the hell happened. Cena suddenly develops a Southern drawl like he’s from Kentucky and says he simply had a talk with Stewart. Now, he’ll have a talk with Rollins.

Cole talks up Sheamus and says that he has a chance to “cash in tonight”, killing any hopes we have for a match later.

MATCH #4: Dolph Ziggler (w/ Lana), Cesaro, WWE Intercontinental Champion Ryback & Randy Orton vs. Rusev (w/ Summer Rae), Kevin Owens, Big Show & Sheamus in an Eight-Man Tag Team Match
How are we only getting four matches in three hours? SummerSlam was NOT that important that we needed huge segments devoted to last night. Ryback and Rusev start. Ryback hits a press and slams Rusev’s head to the mat. Tag to Cesaro who punches Ryback in the side, Rusev puts Cesaro in the whip but Cesaro hits a Powerslam in Stride. Tag to Dolph who hits a dropkick. He misses a Superkick and Rusev slides out of the ring. Rusev refuses to enter so Ryback runs him over outside. This prompts an eight-man standoff outside. After break, Ziggler punches at Big Show who just tosses Ziggler into the corner, then slaps his chest as he comes off the top rope. Show slaps Ziggler in the chest again, then slams Show down. The crowd yells “BIG SHOW SUCKS” which distracts Show. Ziggler takes over but Show just shoulderblocks him. Owens gets back in and punches at Ziggler, drops him on the top rope, then hits a Reverse Senton. He mocks Ziggler’s ass-shake and puts him in the heel corner. Sheamus tags in and just suplexes him. Sheamus wraps Ziggler’s knee around his neck and stands up. Ziggler sits up and punches at Sheamus’s head. He runs at Sheamus who catches him and hits the Irish Curse Backbreaker.

After ANOTHER break, Show continues to beat on Ziggler and tries a Chokeslam. He takes too long and Ziggler counters with a DDT. Rusev comes in and stops Ziggler from making a hot tag. The heels stomp at him. Summer slaps Ziggler and celebrates. Lana comes running over and it’s a cat-fight. Ziggler hits a Fame-Asser on Rusev during the distraction and it’s a hot tag to Cesaro who hits uppercuts on Owens and corner uppercuts, hitting four straight. He goes for the Swing. Rusev tries to make the save. He gets the Swing instead and Cesaro gets ten revolutions. Tag to Ryback and he’s all over Owens. This becomes a brawl and Owens trips him into the corner. He goes for a Cannonball but Ryback counters with a Spinebuster. He hits the Meat Hook but Owens kicks out of the Shell Shock. Tag to Orton and he clotheslines Sheamus and hits the Powerslam. Vintage Orton and RKO attempt but Show gets involved, accidentally knocking out Sheamus with the KO. Orton hits a mean RKO and the faces win it at nearly 18 minutes.
WINNERS: Ryback/Cesaro/Orton/Ziggler
RATING: ***. This was fun but nowhere near as good as the match in San Jose.

Post-match, Owens and Rusev get in Show’s face about the finish. Show fends them off until Owens hits a Superkick. Rusev tosses Owens into Show and Owens hits a Cannonball. They leave. So, then the four faces get into the ring and surround Show like they’re the Nexus. Ziggler hits a Superkick, Ryback and Cesaro prop Show up, then Orton drops him with an RKO.

And, holy shit, we’re doing a long Brock/Taker recap. Ugh.

Then, we recap when Sammartino got a statue in 2014.

NEXT: Rollins will get a statue.

OMG…

EARLIER TONIGHT: Dean and Reigns got beaten up by the new Wyatt Family member. ENOUGH WITH THE RECAPS!

Aaaaaand a late Wyatt segment. Holy fucking shit. Make this stop.

Then Cena bumps into The Authority. Steph’s pissed that he AA’ed Jon Stewart and has him forcibly removed from the building for the Rollins segment.

Triple H and Steph head to the ring. Steph says she’s gonna get in trouble for this tonight — it’s her Dad’s birthday and he won’t come out here to celebrate, so she asks the crowd to sing. This is painful as fuck to listen to, but why not? We haven’t had enough padding on this show. Finally, we get down to it. Triple H says that Seth embodies a typical champion. He deserves to be portrayed in bronze. He brings out Seth Rollins.

Rollins says he joins the “Mt. Rushmore of WWE”. He’s almost part of Monument Park at Yankee Stadium. He recaps what he did last night at SummerSlam and says he is now a “legend”. He gets “choked up” and Triple H helps him come to grips with things. He says he’s now “immortal”. Holy shit, just reveal the statue already. He says that he respects Cena because Cena worked to be The Man every single day. But to BE the man…you know where this is going…you gotta BEAT the man. And that’s what he did last night. He agrees with Triple H: he’s THE MAN. He says he’s now with legends like Sammartino, Warrior and Andre the Giant. It’s time. He asks Brooklyn if they’re ready.

The curtain comes off — AND IT’S STING!!! Triple H and Steph look stunned. Sting stares at Rollins as Triple H just calmly leaves. Sting beats the holy shit out of Rollins with punches and chops in the corner, then hits a Stinger Splash. He clotheslines Rollins out of the ring. Sting picks up the title and holds it in the air. Steph yells to Sting that he’s dead. Rollins is PISSED as we go off the air.

OVERALL: This show had small moments of fun. Other than that, each match was unmemorable slop, with a terrible Divas segment and horrible, horrible padding. Why are the post-PPV shows like this now?

Er, that’s it.

‘Mr. Robot’ review: Reality and Mr. Robot

Matt Perri

August 24, 2015

MR. ROBOT
Season 1, Episode 9: “eps1.8_m1rr0r1ng.qt”
GRADE: A

(***WARNING: IF YOU DON’T WANT ANY SPOILERS, STOP READING NOW.***)

We already know Mr. Robot doesn’t exist. We’ve known it for quite some time. That’s what this episode tells us. Mr. Robot is the mental manifestation of Elliot who has been mentally scarred for years following the death of his father. It’s what half of the internet has suspected since the show started. Last week, the “Robot is Elliot’s father” camp was vindicated. This week, the “Mr. Robot doesn’t exist” camp got their licks in. Both are true. So, congrats. Everyone can stop fighting now.

This episode is clearly about the past, living in it, with it and eventually confronting it and facing the emotional consequences that come with moving on in the form of guilt, regret, denial, acceptance, so on and so forth.

This is hammered home from the very start of the episode: A phone rings. A familiar voice answers it: “Mr. Robot!” We see Mr. Robot…but something’s different: he’s seemingly happy, cheerful and acquiescent. He talks computers with the caller, who wants to know what kind of computer would suit them. “Right now, it’s the Pentium 90,” Mr. Robot says, explaining that it’s very fast and has an “800 MB hard drive”. Imagine that!

It’s 1994. This is a Mom-and-Pop computer store, one of those places no longer exist because larger computer superstores are all the rage. (Even the episode’s trademark title system has a “.qt” extension, an obvious homage to Apple’s old QuickTime movie files.) A man in a suit walks in. He claims that Mr. Robot’s son stole money from him. Robot wants to calm things down and talk about it, but the man just wants to yell and demands his money back, loudly telling Robot that he “doesn’t give a shit” about Robot’s calm approach to the man’s accusations. After gaining emotional high ground, the man finally cools off and asks Robot to do “the right thing”.

“No,” says Robot, after a beat. “The answer is no.” He’s not falling for the man’s moral code. Robot’s seen his true colors. This pisses the guy off. He becomes childish and brags about how he “earns money” rather than “stealing it”. He declares that he’ll call the police. He accuses Robot of teaching his son how to be thief. He calls Robot a liar. None of this phases Robot. He sits and reads his newspaper. It isn’t until the man tells Robot that he’s a “bad father” that Robot reacts. He asks the man to leave — only the man isn’t done. He tells Robot that he’s a middle-aged man doing a job his “retarded nephew” can do. He even adds a little chuckle to that attack, just to make that little jab sharper. Then he finally relents, storming off while saying he’ll be a “Best Buy” customer from now on. That might sting since corporate retail would go on to outshine shops like his.

Once he leaves, Robot confronts a young Elliot, who coughs up the $20 dollar bill. Robot tells Elliot that they’re gonna use the money to go see a movie and asks his son to choose what he wants to see. After being given the choice between Stargate and Timecop, Elliot chooses Pulp Fiction, a film Robot’s never heard of, but ok. Elliot asks his Dad why he isn’t being punished. Robot simply says, “Even though what you did was wrong, you’re still a good kid. And that guy was a prick. Sometimes that matters more.” They leave for the movie and we realize that his name isn’t Mr. Robot — the shop is named as such.

Following their departure, we witness time’s inevitable effect on things: the shop goes out of business, being replaced by cafes and small retail shops until it becomes an Evil Corp banking building — and we’re suddenly in the present. The brilliance of this cannot be overstated. From what we already know, Evil Corp ended up killing Elliot’s father. Even their property is built on his “grave”, so to speak.

The majority of the episode is spent with Mr. Robot as he works to bring Elliot into the present, promising to show him something that will finally sober him up. On the way, we get a good look at Elliot and Robot’s early life together. He was a boy who loved his father and looked up to him. One day, Elliot discovers that his father has cancer and, against his father’s wishes, Elliot tells his mother about it. This angers Elliot’s father and, after a confrontation and altercation between the two, he pushes Elliot out the second-story window of their home — or at least, that’s what Elliot remembers. His memory’s Swiss cheese if current events are any indication. Any traces of what he is or was are now bits of data on a disk.

Elliot is woefully naive to all this:

“I am remembering more and more now as time goes on. That’s a plus. It’s all starting to come back. And once we get all the answers, I’ll be back to normal. Except for the fact my dead father isn’t really dead and is sitting across from me.”

Except that Elliot isn’t living in reality. That’s the fatal flaw in his logic. Ironic for somebody who believes himself to be apathetic to major changes to his environment. The next shot to his fragile brain? Robot’s not the reason for Elliot’s spill out the window — Elliot did that to himself out of guilt when he saw how hurt his Dad was. His Dad even tells him that he doesn’t have to be angry with himself anymore — Elliot can just let go. Out of anger, Elliot quite literally does so and Robot takes a nasty bump to his head and also hurts his leg. Or does he? As Robot’s just a manifestation of Elliot, it’s Elliot who ends up hurt.

We see it later when they make it to a cemetery where Elliot finally comes to terms with the fact that his father really is dead and that he has been living out the Mr. Robot identity this entire time. It isn’t a shocker. We, the audience, already suspected it. But the way it’s presented is beautifully handled and brilliant. Aside from the fact that the episode features a soft piano version of “Where Is My Mind?” by The Pixies (a playful little nod to Palahniuk and Fincher’s Fight Club) after the reveal, Elliot continues to break the fourth wall, grabbing us and demanding answers, much like he did to his own father:

“This is happening, isn’t it? You knew all along, didn’t you?”

His sister, Darlene, and Angela show up to console him. They do their level best to get Elliot to remember what happened but Elliot struggles to comprehend just how fucked up he’s been all this time, which gives us a gem of a Pulp Fiction reference:

DARLENE: “Are you OK?”
ELLIOT: “Nah…I’m pretty fucking FAR from ‘OK’.”

The aftermath of all of this leaves Elliot severely depressed, not knowing which way is up, down, left or right. Darlene wants him to go through with the plan that he conceived…but Elliot can’t even remember starting FSociety and, therefore, can’t even see the point in continuing to bankrupt Evil Corp. All Darlene can offer is that Elliot was “trying to do the right thing”. When Elliot’s self-doubt becomes too much, Darlene offers to re-fill his prescription medicine — something that his father, Edward (his real name), warned Elliot not to take because it was the very thing making him forget everything from his past.

There are two other interesting moments that play alongside this storyline.

The first is the fall of Tyrell Wellick. When we last left the Family Wellick, they were about to be questioned about the murder of Sharon, the Evil Corp CTO-To-Be’s wife. Joanna induced labor, breaking her own water using a fork (I can’t even make this up if I was high) as a stalling tactic. Here, we see that the Wellicks have had their baby (the key to the future, perhaps) — except that Joanna has now given Tyrell an ultimatum: either he fixes their standing in the world or he will be forever banished from Joanna and his own child’s life.

It gets worse when Tyrell is fired from Evil Corp because the police have pegged him as a major “person of interest” in Sharon’s murder. Phillip Price, Evil Corp’s CEO, is almost disgustingly delighted to do so. As Elliot melts down, so does Tyrell. Tears well up in his eyes as he begs for his job, telling Price that he was “on a track”, a reaction that Price says is both unexpected and disappointing and, much like Edward telling his son to let go, Price tells Tyrell to embrace reality, let go, learn from his mistakes and move on.

But what is “moving on” for Tyrell Wellick?

How about Tyrell visiting Elliot and threatening his life in a veiled manner? In response, Elliot (who, at this point, is looking for any silver lining he can find) volunteers to take Wellick to the Coney Island hideout. But why? It makes sense when you think about it. Everything that these two characters held dear, up and until this point, was stripped from them. Robot vanished and Wellick’s well-being is entirely in jeopardy. Opposites truly attract and, suddenly, Elliot and Wellick are allies. To what end is another question, one that will no doubt be answered in next week’s finale.

And how will this affect Darlene and Angela?

Angela seemed to be in good shape with the Colby plea deal — but the firm that’s helping her with the case no longer wants her help. This puts Angela in a hell of a spot. She has no income and nobody in the tech field is going to hire her due to her upcoming testimony that about losing chain of custody on the FSociety hack file. Enter Colby who visits her father’s house. At first, the atmosphere is that of a Mafia hit. Big men surround her father and everyone is silent and glaring — except Colby’s come here in peace. He knows that Angela’s been screwed over and he wants to offer Angela a position — with Evil Corp. Angela, of course, balks, saying that Evil Corp killed her mother. Except Colby’s got the high hand: it turns out that Evil Corp created an account specifically to deal with any monetary penalties enforced as the result of legal action over the toxic leak the company was responsible for. Colby will walk and Evil Corp will get a slap on the wrist and everything that Angela sacrificed will be for shit. Angela tries her best to stay strong, vowing to fight on. But Colby, smug and arrogant as ever, calmly says his piece and drops the mic:

“I have a suggestion: if you want to change things, perhaps you should try from…within. Because THIS…is what happens from the outside.”

He gestures around her father’s house, reminding Angela just how deep in debt her father really is and how she’ll soon be following in his footsteps. Have I mentioned just how great Bruce Altman is in his role as Colby? If I haven’t, I should. The man is so effortless. He’s charming and sophisticated, yet such a schmuck that you want to punch him. Even here, when he’s bullshitting Angela, you trust exactly what he’s saying. For as much as people like Elliot and Colby clash, they have so much in common. Both know how the real world works. They’ve just chosen sides and they’re seeing their interests fulfilled to the letter. And speaking of Angela’s father, he knows that Darlene’s back in town — but what’s peculiar is Angela’s reaction to this: shock and surprise. And what’s even more interesting is that we never get an answer to the question, “Where did you see her?” It’s kinda strange that nobody’s really explored Darlene, isn’t it? Last week, we saw that her and Angela are BFF’s. But are they? That one moment in this show that makes your brain pop for just a second is the bit with Angela’s father. Because if Elliot can have a manifestation in Mr. Robot…do you think…possibly…that Darlene is Angela’s…no. We can’t get ahead of ourselves.

I’m not quite sure how much longer I can grade one episode over another. I’m coming to the realization that each episode of this show is better than the last one. “eps1.8_m1rr0r1ng.qt” gives us another delicious chapter, setting us up for a hell of a final course. Rami Malek is beyond brilliant in the role of Elliot. He’s cold and frank and his cynicism wears you out but he’s so human. Watching him in this episode was like watching somebody play the role of a small child who learns about death for the first time. That’s a feat that’s incredibly hard to pull off without venturing into hammy territory. He’s surrounded by such a gifted cast of actors who are so well drawn-out, you feel like you’ve known them for years. We have the innocent Angela, the evil and calculating Tyrell, the equally-evil yet world-wise Colby and the angel-with-broken-wings in Darlene. It’s episodes like these where critics like myself consider themselves lucky to have chosen a show to review.

The finale airs on Wednesday and I’m excited. For many a series that’s been approved for another season, a finale’s a bit of a test. It sets the tone for the next season and also leaves the audience hungry for more. I’m not even sure Mr. Robot needs to try for a “great” finale.

That would just be the cherry on top of an already-delicious cake.

Nintendo Announces Their Release Schedule For The Remainder of 2015

James Mikolajewski

August 24, 2015

“Where are all of the games?!?” many Nintendo fans have shouted into the sky, as they patiently wait for new titles to hit their Wii U and 3DS consoles. Well, scream and wail no more Nintendo faithful. Today Nintendo has announced released dates for many upcoming Wii U and 3DS titles releasing this fall and winter. The new release dates are:

Runbow – August 27, 2015 (WiiU)

Animal Crossing: Happy Home Designer – September 25, 2015 (3DS)

Chibi Robo: Ziplash! – October 9, 2015 (3DS)

Fatal Frame: Maiden of Black Water – October 22, 2015 (WiiU)

The Legend of Zelda: Triforce Heroes – October 23, 2015 (3DS)

Star Fox Zero – November 20, 2015 (WiiU)

Xenoblade Chronicles X – December 4, 2015 (WiiU)

Devil’s Third – December 11, 2015 (WiiU)

With the release schedule comes more good news. For anyone that downloads the Runbow demo, they will receive 15% off the official release day price. With Fatal Frame: Maiden of Black Water, it will be free-to-start, allowing players to play the prologue, Chapter 1, and most of Chapter 2 for free.

Animal Crossing: Happy Home Designer also comes with a few freebies as well. If you purchase a physical copy of the game, you will receive 1 of the new Animal Crossing Amiibo cards, and if you purchase it digitally, you will receive a special Animal Crossing 3DS theme. Speaking of Amiibo cards, you will be able to purchase additional Amiibo cards in random packs of 6 for $5.99.

Are you looking forward to new games on your Nintendo console? Which game are you most excited for? Let us know in the comments down below!

SummerSlam 2015: Jon Stewart helps Seth Rollins beat John Cena

Matt Perri

August 24, 2015

SummerSlam has ten matches and is a four-hour spectacle this year. I’m looking forward to a great show which features a title-for-title match, a re-match from WrestleMania XXX and, of course, my sister-in-law’s guy, Stephen Amell. As you can see, this year’s event has something for everyone. Let’s get going…

Lillian Garcia introduces our host of SummerSlam: Jon Stewart. He welcomes everyone to SummerSlam. He does the “NO SLEEP ‘TIL BROOKLYN” chant. He says that it’s nice to be back in reality after talking about politics for 16 years. The difference between politics and WWE is that every performer puts it on the line. He starts naming all the performers and the crowd applies heat or pops depending on who they are. He’s a fan. He’s upset about The Streak. He wanted to interview Brock Lesnar — but he needed help doing it. So he brought a little help: Mick Foley.

Foley says he has a funny story — right here, in Brooklyn, New York. He says they traded phone calls and the line was always fuzzy…but, in any case, Foley thought that Stewart needed help interviewing The Rock, not Brock. He asks if Foley’s afraid of Brock. Foley says he isn’t scared — he’s terrified of Brock. Stewart says that Foley’s the Hardcore Legend. Foley says that was 17 years ago. Things are different. Stewart had DARK hair back then. Foley says that he isn’t going to Suplex City today. He says they should leave. They do.

We get the video intro.

We are LIVE(!!!) from Brooklyn, New York for WWE SummerSlam!!!

Michael Cole, JBL and King are the guys on the mics. Christophe Agius & Philipe Chereau are manning the French desk while Marcelo Rodriguez, Carlos Cabrera and Jerry Soto are at the Spanish Desk.

MATCH #1: Randy Orton vs. Sheamus
Cole notes that Orton has won three WWE Titles at SummerSlam which is convenient since the title isn’t on the line. Orton immediately goes for an RKO. Sheamus pushes out of it and goes outside the ring. He grabs a mic and says he doesn’t “look stupid”. Everyone else does. They will “Respect the ‘hawk”. Orton’s had enough. He trips Sheamus and rolls him into the ring. They begin to brawl until Orton dropkicks him outside. Orton attacks but Sheamus tosses him into the ringpost. Back in the ring, Sheamus hits a flying kneedrop from the top rope and gets two. Sheamus tosses Orton into the corner buckle hard, then throws his arms up in celebration. Sheamus hits two backbreakers, shouts at the crowd and mocks them by straightening his mohawk. Sheamus hits a side headlock but Orton breaks. He runs at Sheamus who hits a knee to Orton’s gut. Orton gets to his feet and the two trade punches and uppercuts. Sheamus hits an elbow off the run. Another headlock but Orton breaks and it’s clotheslines and backbreaker. Orton goes for Vintage Orton but Sheamus evades and counters. Sheamus runs at Orton and ends up getting flipped out of the ring. Back in the ring, Sheamus regains the advantage and hits a powerslam for two. Sheamus tries for the Shamrock but Orton forces the early break. Sheamus misses a Brogue and Orton counters with the In-Stride Powerslam. Two count. Orton’s starting to bleed above his left eye. Sheamus retreats to the corner and tries to go top rope — but Orton grabs him for Vintage Orton. Orton signals for the RKO but Sheamus retreats outside the ropes. Orton tries to grab him and both guys fight near the ropes. Sheamus turns Orton goes for Ten Beats. Orton fights out. Sheamus goes for a Battering Ram and Orton hits an RKO OUT OF NOWHERE. Sheamus, however, rolls outside. Orton retrieves him and rolls him back in, going for The Punt but misses. Sheamus hits White Noise for a CLOSE fall. Sheamus signals for the Brogue. The first one misses. Orton goes for the RKO but HE misses. Sheamus hits TWO Brogues since the first one just kinda clipped Orton. The second one gets the pin at 12:14.
WINNER: Sheamus via Brogue Kick
RATING: **3/4. Not a bad match to start, if not a bit disjointed. These two guys always work together.

“Jake” and “Josh” won Draft Kings or something and they’re at ringside.

The New Day comes out, obnoxious as ever, and they want to teach New York about Hip Hop. So they do a rendition of “Empire State of Mind”

MATCH #2: The New Day (Kofi Kingston & Big E) (w/ Xavier Woods) (challengers) vs. Lucha Dragons (Sin Cara & Kalisto) (challengers) vs. Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito) (challengers) vs. Primetime Players (Darren Young & Titus O’Neil) (champions) in a Fatal 4-Way for the WWE Tag Team Championship
Got all that? New Day tags each other in. E tries to pin Kofi and JBL immediately calls this “confusing”. Tag to Kalisto. Sin Cara slingshots him into Kofi and it’s a two count. E tags in and Kalisto kicks him to death. E tries to send him into the ropes but Kalisto flips back and hits an Enzuguri. Wow! Tag to Darren Young who keeps up with Kalisto’s flipping around and sweep kicks. The crowd loves this. Kofi gets in. Young hits an elbow on a run and then a neckbreaker. Young ends up down on the mat. E splashes him. Mudhole stomp by New Day and E slings Kofi into Young with a dropkick. Two count. E and Kofi work Young over with some nice double-teaming. E puts Young into an Abdominal Stretch but Young chops out of it. E knocks him down for another pin. Kofi tries to fly at Young but Young catches him for an inverted Atomic Drop. Hot tag to Titus. He runs over Kofi and knocks E off the mat. He attacks the Dragons and boots Kofi in the head. Everyone attacks him but Titus knocks them all down like he’s Bruce Lee. Fernando tags himself in as things get crazy. He nearly gets a Cross Body Pin on Titus. Sin Cara comes in and botches a Hurricarana on Fernando. Torito and Woods get involved. Woods beats up Torito. Young absolutely destroys Woods. E spears Young. Cara and Kalisto get to one of the Matadores but then they lose him and the Matador falls OFF the top post in another botch. Another Matador leaps up to take his place for some reason. Titus grabs all three guys and slams them all to the mat. Titus hits Clash of the Titus — but Kofi runs in and kicks Titus in the face. He gets the pin because he’s the legal man. Mark it at 11:21.
WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: The New Day
RATING: *. What a mess of a match. Look, I know the goal is to make these types of matches insane but when you’re botching moves and missing spots, that defeats all the booking you put in place.

Jon Stewart’s backstage with Neville and Stephen Amell. The Undertaker walks by. Everyone’s nervous. Stewart asks Amell to sign his son’s shirt — but don’t put “TO NATE” on it because he’s gonna sell all the signed merch later.

We get the build-up for Ziggler/Rusev.

MATCH #3: Dolph Ziggler (w/ Lana) vs. Rusev (w/ Summer Rae)
Rusev barks at Ziggler. Ziggler just starts slugging away. Rusev kicks him down and tries a suplex but Ziggler lands on his feet and dropkick Rusev. Ziggler punches Rusev in the corner. Rusev throws him off. Ziggler misses a splash. Rusev stomps at him and hits elbows. He puts Ziggler in a Bear Hug. Ziggler fights out but ends up in a Spinning Spinebuster for two. Then he tries a press slam but Ziggler falls and grabs Rusev on the way down for a DDT. Nice move. Rusev misses a clothesline in the corner and Ziggler hits clotheslines, a splash and neckbreaker. Ziggler hits an elbow drop and gets a one-count. Rusev comes back with a Spinning Heel Kick and it’s a near fall. Rusev goes to rope and Ziggler leaps up, grabs him and drops his face on the mat for a near fall. Ziggler tries a Superkick but Rusev catches him and hits a Side Suplex and a 360 Senton Splash for a VERY close fall. Rusev calls for the Superkick but misses. Ziggler hits a Sunset Flip for two. Ziggler tries the Sleeper. Rusev gets to the ropes but Ziggler pulls him away. Rusev breaks in the corner but Ziggler immediately hits a Fame-Asser for a VERY close fall. Rusev hits a high Superkick and goes for the Accolade. He locks it in. Lana runs over and begs Ziggler not to tap. Summer walks over and tries to slap her but Lana blocks it and slaps Summer. Rusev drops the hold and confronts Lana. Ziggler rolls out of the ring. Summer attacks Lana. Ziggler leaps up and Superkicks Rusev but can’t beat the count and it’s a double countout at 11:51.
WINNERS: Double Countout
RATING: **. Decent until that finish. I guess the feud continues.

A cutesy trailer for the Amell/Neville team-up.

MATCH #4: King Barrett & Stardust vs. Neville & Stephen Amell
Barrett starts with Neville. A series of counters and Neville flips away and hits Barrett with an armdrag. Stardust gets into the ring and says he wants Amell. Tag to Amell who springboards into the ring. Stardust shoves Amell to the ground and yells in his face. Amell flips up and kicks Dust in the chest. Amell mocks Dust with his “Star Hands” thing. Dust comes back and knees Amell in the chest. Star tries a Side Suplex but Amell lands on his feet and hip tosses Dust to the ground. Amell mocks Dust with the “bow and arrow” motion. Tag to Barrett who kicks Amell in the chest after Amell executes a nice leapfrog. Dust kicks Amell in the corner after a tag. Barrett ties Amell in the ropes and knees him in the face, then knocks him to the mat outside. Dust beats on him outside. Tag to Dust inside the ring and it’s a Reverse Suplex for two. Amell suddenly hits an Enzuguri and it’s a hot tag to Neville who kicks Dust off the mat, then kicks at Barrett several times. Neville hits a beautiful 450 Splash from the second rope. Dust makes the save. The heels spill outside. Amell goes top rope and hits a Cross Body to both guys, then rolls Barrett back in the ring where Neville hits a Red Arrow to finish this at 7:35.
WINNERS: The Arrows via Red Arrow
RATING: I won’t rate this. Cute match and Amell is pretty athletic. Jennie gives it ***** stars, I know. 🙂 A bit short for my taste, but Amell worked hard and looked impressive.

We get a look at all the WWE activities that have been going on around New York.

MATCH #5: Big Show (challenger) vs. The Miz (challenger) vs. Ryback (champion) in a Tiple Threat Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
Show and Ryback chase Miz off. Show chops Ryback down while Miz just watches. Miz takes a shot at Ryback. Ryback chases him and Miz ends up in the hands of Show. Ryback does too. Both men kick Show and try to suplex him but Show reverses it and suplexes both guys. Miz leaves the ring. Show hits a 360 Senton from the second rope but Miz comes in and tries to pin Ryback, NEARLY getting the fall. Show attacks Miz in the corner, splashing him. Ryback clips Show in the gut, then Powerslams Miz to the mat. He hits a Big Splash on Miz from the top rope but Show grabs Ryback and Chokeslams Ryback right on top of Miz, getting a near fall. Show sets up the KO Punch but misses. Ryback hits a Spinebuster and Warrior Splash. He sets up the Meat Hook but Show catches him for the Chokeslam. Ryback counters into the Shell Shock. Miz runs in and hits the SCF on Ryback and NEARLY gets a fall. He covers Show and Show kicks out. He keeps alternating pins but the guys keep keeping out. Show clocks Ryback with the KO and Show and Miz fight over the pin. Show KO’s him. He tries to do the same to Ryback but Ryback ducks and clotheslines him out of the ring, pinning Miz to retain at 5:31.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Ryback
RATING: 1/2 a *. Championship matches should not be this dull, especially Triple Threat Championship matches.

Jon Stewart has worked up the courage to go see Brock Lesnar. He bumps into Paul Heyman instead. He wants to know how Heyman feels about how Lesnar crushed the dreams of so many. Heyman sings Glory, Glory Brock Lesnar. Then he says it’s sad that David Letterman isn’t hosting tonight. He goes back inside the dressing room, yelling about how Lesnar won’t believe what just happened. Stewart leaves.

MATCH #6: Bray Wyatt & Luke Harper vs. Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns
Ambrose and Harper start. Ambrose just flies into Harper and punches him. Roman gets involved and Roman flies into the ring. They toss Bray, toss Harper, then Roman throws Ambrose into Harper outside. The fight spills outside. Ambrose dodges getting powerbombed by Harper, then runs across all three announce table to dive at Bray in the timekeeper’s pit. The two destroy Harper back in the ring, with Ambrose hitting a flying elbow drop for two. It turns into a brawl with the fight spilling outside again. Bray hits a Spinebuster into the mat. Harper superkicks Reigns. Ambrose dives at Bray and Harper but Bray nails Ambrose coming through the ropes and slams him into the mat edge again. Back in the ring, Wyatt throws Ambrose across the ring, then tags Harper. Harper tears Ambrose’s shirt off and chops at him in the corner. Bray tags and hits Vintage Wyatt off the ring ropes. Tag to Harper and Harper kicks Ambrose’s head off. Two count.

Harper hits a Crossface but breaks the hold and it’s a tag to Bray who hits a Senton for two. Reigns STILL isn’t in the face corner. Ambrose has nobody to tag. Bray clotheslines Dean in the corner, then it’s tags in and out until Dean hits a Rebound Clothesline. The crowd starts chanting “ROMAN’S SLEEPING” until Roman FINALLY gets back to the corner. Hot tag to Roman who takes out the Wyatts. He clotheslines Harper in the corner, then hits a two side suplexes. He calls for the Superman Punch but Wyatt hits a kick. Harper grabs Reigns for the Michinoku Driver for two. Tag to Wyatt and they try to double team Reigns. He fights out and it’s Superpunches for everyone. They set up for a Doomsday Device and hit it but Harper makes the save. They take out Harper and hit a Double Powerbomb but Wyatt suddenly leaps up for Sister Abigail. Dean fights out and hits Dirty Deeds. Tag to Roman and a Spear ends it at 10:57.
WINNERS: Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns
RATING: **1/2. Surprisingly by-the-numbers with no twists and a clean finish? Not a bad match overall, but I just expected more from these four.

We get the build-up for Cena/Rollins.

MATCH #7: WWE United States Champion John Cena vs. WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins in a Title-for-Title Championship Match
Rollins is out in an all-white uniform and the blonde in his hair seems to be mostly gone. The crowd is molten hot for this match. Cena hits a side headlock takedown. Rollins breaks and hits a hip toss and dropkick. Cena fights back, hitting a punch. Cena hits a quick belly to belly and another side headlock. Rollins breaks and ends up in the corner. The crowd REALLY gets on Cena’s back and Cena delays his attack because of it. Rollins dodges when he tries a splash, then knees Cena out of the ring, hitting three straight Suicide Dives much to the delight of the crowd. Back in the ring, Cena hits Moves #1 and #2 but misses #3. After several counters, he hits it and goes for the 5KS. Rollins kicks him and goes for a Pedigree. Cena dodges and hits a horrible Springboard Stunner, then the 5KS. He tries the AA but Rollins kicks out of it and hits a Running Moonsault for two. Rollins hits Cena with a corner splash and props him up on the top buckle. Cena fights out but Rollins grabs him again and punches him. Cena tries to pull himself back up but Rollins mocks him and yells, “YOU CAN’T SEE ME”, then stomps on Cena’s chest. CLOSE fall.

Rollins yells at the ref for that. Rollins asks Cena if he thinks he’s better. So, Cena leaps up with an AA for a CLOSE fall. The two trade punches with Cena really covering his face. Seth goes for another Pedigree but Cena escapes. Rollins ends up in an Electric Chair and Cena drops him on his face for two. Cena hits a Flying Legdrop for a CLOSE fall. Cena picks Rollins up on his shoulders and goes to the turnbuckle. Rollins falls off his shoulders and counters with a Buckle Bomb. Rollins goes top rope and hits a HUGE Frog Splash for two. Cena kicks out and tries the AA. Rollins escapes, landing on his feet and hits an Enzuguri. Cena runs at Rollins and HE ends up in an AA — but Cena kicks out at NEAR three. Rollins gets up and goes to the top buckle, missing his move. Cena gets up and hits an STF. Cena tries to re-position but Rollins kicks out. Cena hits a Figure Four! Holy shit…Rollins reverses the move but Cena gets to the ropes. Both men get up. Cena punches Rollins down to the mat, then goes top rope. But Rollins grabs him and hits a Superplex — THEN a Michinoku Driver AND NEARLY GETS THE PIN!!! Rollins misses a splash. Cena goes for the AA and it’s a ref-bump. Cena hits it but the ref is out. Cena gets up and tells somebody to get a referee. Cena picks Rollins up and Rollins nails Cena in the nose. Suddenly, Jon Stewart comes to the ring with a chair…he telegraphs like he’s gonna hit Rollins, but hits Cena instead. Pedigree on the chair and Rollins wins both titles at 19:28.
WINNER AND NEW MULTI-TITLE CHAMPION: Seth Rollins via Pedigree
RATING: ***1/2. This match deserved a better finish than this. Seth was lights-out incredible and Cena was so-so. And the finish, despite what is said, is so incredibly stupid.

It’s padding time as we have 90 minutes and 3 matches left. Let’s stop off at the WWE News Desk where Byron is horrified that the match ended the way it did. The crowd loves it and chants “THANK YOU, STEWART”.

MATCH #8: Team Bella (Alicia Fox, Brie Bella, & WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella) vs. Team B.A.D. (Naomi, Tamina & Sasha Banks) vs. Team PCB (Paige, Charlotte and Becky Lynch) in a Three-Team Elimination Match
#BATHROOMBREAKREVOLUTION! Lynch and Brie start. They fight into the corner. Brie shoves Lynch who comes back with arm drags and a dropkick. Brie comes back with the Running Knee. Then Tamina tags in with a Superkick. Divas fly in from everywhere but it clears pretty quick. Tags in and out of the B.A.D. corner and it’s Triple-Teaming until Tamina slams Lynch to the mat. Naomi tags in and she hits a Split Legdrop. Tag to Sasha but Lynch rolls her up for a one-count. Sasha tags Tamina who hits a clothesline. Two count. The fight spills outside and Tamina runs Lynch’s back into the edge of the mat. Charlotte spears Tamina. Naomi and Banks dive at everyone outside. The Bellas do the same as the crowd hates them. Paige goes top rope. Fox leaps up to the stop her. Paige shoves her down on top of the others, then Paige just hits a 360 Senton. Back in the ring, Tamina gets beat up by the Bellas and Team B.A.D. is eliminated at 6:16. Nikki hits the Rack Attack on Becky but Charlotte and Paige save the pin. Paige runs in and beats on Nikki, hitting a running kneelift. Paige hits a Fallaway Slam but Nikki ditches the ring. Paige tries a Baseball Slide but Nikki grabs her legs and hits the ALABAMA SLAMMA MIGGAL. Paige runs back in the ring at nine. Brie and Nikki drop Paige on her face and get two. Brie starts hitting YES kicks but everyone chants “NO”. Brie and Paige kinda flail and Paige just trips and falls on nothing. Alicia tags in and it’s a Northern Lights Suplex for two. Surfboard from Fox. Paige escapes but Fox hits a nice dropkick. The Paige peril just continues until Paige forearms every single Bella and knees Fox in the face. Tag to Charlotte who hits a neckbreaker on Fox. Figure Eight but the Bellas make the save. Fox and Charlotte get up and run at one another and they each boot one another in the face. Lynch tags in and her and Brie just slug it out. Lynch tosses Brie across the ring. Brie gets up and knocks Lynch down, then misses the Brie Mode Drop Kick. Lynch pins her to win at 15:14.
WINNERS: Team PCB
RATING: *1/2. Random, with no velocity whatsoever.

Terminator’s in WWE 2K16.

MATCH #9: Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens
It’s a slugfst to start. Owens kicks out of the Swing and the fight moves outside when Owens hits a 360 dive to the outside. Owens: “You watching this, Cole…you might wanna pay attention!” Then Cesaro dives at Owens in a great spot. In the ring, it’s Cesaro hitting a cross body for two. Another Swing attempt but Owens kicks out. Cesaro stomps on his chest. Owens rolls out of the ring. Cesaro chases but Owens tosses him into the barricade, then hits a Cannonball. Back in the ring, Owens pounds on Cesaro, then hits a Reverse Senton for two. Cesaro gets up and the two trade punches. Cesaro misses a running uppercut and Owens hits a Spinning Neckbreaker for two. 360 Legdrop and another two count. Owens puts on a headlock. Cesaro breaks. Owens slaps him after taunting him and Cesaro comes back with several slaps, punches and uppercuts. Owens runs at him but ends up on Cesaro’s shoulders. Cesaro drops him on his neck and gets two. Owens rolls outside the ropes. Cesaro grabs him for a Gut Wrench Suplex for two. Cesaro goes for a Neutralizer but Owens fights out. Cesaro starts hitting forearms and tries again but Owens counters with a back drop. Cesaro runs at Owens who counters with a Tornado DDT. Owens tries a Springboard Moonsault off the top rope, but misses. Cesaro hits a running uppercut but Owens Superkicks him on the second round. Owens goes for the Pop-Up Powerbomb but Cesaro grabs the ropes. Cesaro hits a Springboard Uppercut and NEARLY gets a fall. Owens runs outside and Cesaro hits a running uppercut. Back in the ring, Cesaro hits The Swing and gets ten revs before locking in the Sharpshooter. Owens, however, gets to the bottom rope. Cesaro puts Owens on the top rope. Owens fights out but Cesaro dropkick him. Owens drops down and trips Cesaro. He hits the Fisherman’s Superplex and finishes with the PUPB to win it at 14:17.
WINNER: Kevin Owens via Pop-Up Powerbomb
RATING: ***1/4. Not bad. Better than Cena/Rollins.

Cole plugs Night of Champions in Houston, Texas.

We get the build-up for Brock/Taker.

Brock jumps ‘Taker during his entrance into the ring. ‘Taker dumps him from the ring and whips off his jacket, telling him to get in the ring. Brock does…

MATCH #10: Brock Lesnar (w/ Paul Heyman) vs. The Undertaker
And we’re off and punching. ‘Taker gets tackled but ‘Taker punches him in the face. Brock’s stunned. ‘Taker goes for Old School. Brock tries the F5 but ‘Taker counters into a Chokeslam but Brock counters that and hits Suplex #1, then #2. ‘Taker counters #3 and rams Brock’s head into the buckle. Then he hits Snake Eyes and boots Brock from the ring. Brock is cut above the right eye. ‘Taker rolls out and punches at Brock, ramming his back into the barrier. ‘Taker rolls him back into the ring and hits a the Guillotine Leg Drop. Crowd chants “YOU’VE STILL GOT IT”. ‘Taker and Brock exchange punches, then ‘Taker tries The Chokeslam From Hell only to have Brock hit #3 and #4. He screams “SUPLEX CITY, BITCH” and paces around ‘Taker. He hits #5. Brock goes outside and takes the French table apart. ‘Taker follows and beats Brock, clotheslining him. He tries a Powerbomb but Lesnar counters and F5’s him into the table. ‘Taker BARELY beats the ten count back in the ring. ‘Taker crawls to Brock who says, “I’m gonna kill you.” Taker: “You’re gonna have to.” Taker stands up, grabs Brock and practically Chokeslams him into the mat. WOW. Brock gets back up and Taker Tombstones him but only gets two. Brock gets up and laughs at Taker. Taker sits up. Brock still laughs. Taker mocks him and it’s a straight up brawl with both men all over each other. Taker gets put up on the top buckle. Lesnar puts on the Kimura but Taker counters with the Last Ride, getting two. Brock gets up and hits the F5. TWO COUNT. Taker back up and it’s F5 #4 — and ANOTHER two count. Taker is still down. Lesnar grabs him — but Taker hits Hell’s Gate! Lesnar breaks and counters into the Kimura. Suddenly, the bell rings for no reason whatsoever. The ref asks the suddenly-dumb-as-fuck timekeeper what he’s doing. Heyman and Brock celebrate while all this is happening. Taker gets up and hits a Low Blow, then puts on Hell’s Gate. Brock can’t do a damn thing about it. He knows he’s done — but gives Taker the middle finger before he does. Taker wins at 17:15.
WINNER: Undertaker via Hell’s Gate
RATING: ***1/4. The Dusty Finish at the end really fouled up what was on its way to being the match of the night.

Post-match, Taker goes back to the dressing room. Heyman is furious and grabs the bell hammer, ringing the bell several times, then says that they won the match and declares Brock the winner. Brock looks severely depressed and they walk back to the dressing room. We go off the air with Brock hanging his head.

OVERALL: ***. And that’s a shame. This show had a 10-match card with some promising match-ups but even the big matches were annoyingly sub-par or were booked like shit. The big title match should not have a celeb involved and enough with the Dusty Finishes. Thumbs up, though, for Stephen Amell as I know Jennie will be very pleased. 🙂

Er…that’s it.

WWE SummerSlam 2015: Our Predictions

Matt Perri

August 23, 2015

(w/ DANIELLE STOLMAN & JENNIE PERRI)

WWE SummerSlam comes to us live from the Barclay Center in New York and the We Hate Your Gimmick crew has your predictions. Danielle and I have changed it up a bit for this and invited the great Jennie Perri to join us. Jennie’s love of “Arrow” crossed into our world, so it was only fitting. Let’s go to the SummerSlam predictions!

FATAL 4-WAY FOR THE WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
The Prime Time Players (champions) vs. The Lucha Dragons
vs. Los Matadores vs. The New Day

DANIELLE: The Lucha Dragons
The Matadores are a joke. Always have been, always will be. New Day reached the pinnacle of their popularity already and The Prime Time Players are dull despite having the titles. I think a new team is picked to shine. Lucha Dragons finally get the titles.

JENNIE: The Prime Time Players
I preface this with saying I know nothing about wresting and the WWE. I am watching SummerSlam because My Captain told me to. Long Live Captain Amell. That said, I have done a little research and this looks fun. I love the PTP. They dance, they’re cocky, I love Titus’s Gator Bark. PTP should retain the titles.

MATT: The New Day
I have no idea why The New Day is so popular. I read recaps and reviews which feature words like “hilarious” and “funny”. But they’re not. They’re like that friend of yours who thinks they’re funny but, really, they’re just obnoxious. E is the same person he’s always been. Woods is boring and has no in-ring chemistry and Kofi’s Kofi. By himself, he’s great. With the team, he’s held back. This is the most overrated tag team working today. For some reason, they’ll be given the titles because everyone thinks they deserve them.

TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
Ryback (champion) vs. Big Show vs. The Miz

DANIELLE: Ryback
He’s back from an injury and the crowd loves him so, unless WWE feels like committing suicide by putting the belt on two of the mid-card’s most lackluster stars, Ryback retains the title.

JENNIE: Ryback
He’s got size and Big Show’s got size. Miz looks so small next to these guys. Between Show and Ryback, Ryback looks like a guy who has speed and strength, so I think Ryback retains his title.

MATT: Ryback
I cannot imagine that Ryback will lose the title here. Show and Miz are so boring and so is this feud. Ryback has done so well getting the fans on his side lately.

Bray Wyatt & Luke Harper vs. Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns

DANIELLE: Ambrose/Reigns
I seriously hope that Dean Ambrose doesn’t turn heel like everyone’s predicting. Barring that, Ambrose and Reigns have to win this. Both are insane people and the fans love them together.

JENNIE: Ambrose/Reigns
Dean’s nuts and Roman’s…sigh…where is he from? How would these guys lose to anyone? Reigns is adorable…

MATT: The Wyatts
Oh, they’ll find a way to have them lose. Dean turns heel which might not be a bad thing — even though it makes zero sense. The Wyatts win this match — that is, unless, Erick Owens returns to help. Who knows?

Stephen Amell & Neville vs. Stardust & King Barrett

DANIELLE: The Arrows
It SHOULD be The Arrows. This is a fun match due to the crossed interest between wrestling fans and comic fans.

JENNIE: The Arrows
The whole reason I am watching SummerSlam. Stephen Amell is going to kick some ass. Stardust and Barrett are bullies. While fighting as himself (he is in great physical shape and does a lot of his own stunts on the show), I do think he will have some Green Arrow tricks up his sleeve. The rivalry has been entertaining to watch between Amell and Stardust — and it has gotten me to watch wresting, and that is something I never thought I would ever do. Go Captain!!!

MATT: The Arrows
This is your big celeb match and, for once, WWE has gotten it right. Amell is super popular with so many comic fans and the whole feud has elevated Neville, Barrett and Stardust who are all wrestlers who haven’t had a whole lot to do. The Arrows win this won because evil never triumphs…wait…this is wrestling, so I might be wrong.

Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro

DANIELLE: Cesaro
Cesaro’s gonna crush the hell out of Owens. I even think Cesaro will put The Swing on him. I cannot see Owens going over here.

JENNIE: Kevin Owens
He’s lost a lot ever since his feud with John Cena. I can’t imagine that he wouldn’t beat Cesaro.

MATT: Kevin Owens
He was buried by Cena, he’s been buried by Orton, he’s been pushed around by other heels — and he lost the NXT Championship last night on NXT Takeover. Owens is supremely talented and needs a win to stay relevant. I think he beats Cesaro but this one should be a knock-down, drag-out fight.

THREE-TEAM ELIMINATION MATCH
TEAM BELLA (The Bella Twins & Alicia Fox) vs. TEAM PCB (Paige, Charlotte & Becky Lynch) vs. TEAM B.A.D. (Tamina, Sasha Banks & Naomi)

DANIELLE: Team PCB
They’re at the height of their popularity as the WWE Universe is starting to turn on the Bellas and Team B.A.D. since only one of the six people in those teams can actually wrestle.

JENNIE: Team PCB
Paige is super nice to people. They’re the best team here. I think they win this one.

MATT: Team Bella
Team Bella just keeps choking but they’ll pick up a win. Hopefully, we’ll see these women break up and we’ll get actual title matches.

Rusev (w/ Summer Rae) vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Lana)

DANIELLE: Dolph Ziggler
Dolph’s made a comeback and Lana will get involved, making Dolph the winner in a feud that MUST. KEEP. GOING.

JENNIE: Dolph Ziggler
He’s just awesome. Badass name, hot chick in his corner, perfect smile — and he can wrestle. He’s gonna come in and beat Rusev.

MATT: Dolph Ziggler
It used to be that nobody could casually beat Rusev. I think that ends tonight. Rusev’s become the wrecking machine that he was before he lost to Cena at WrestleMania. This should be the match that knocks him down a peg.

Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker

DANIELLE: The Undertaker
It would be easier to predict this if I knew who was going to WrestleMania. However, I’m going with The Undertaker because he’s rested up for so long and this might just be his swan song.

JENNIE: The Undertaker
He’s the damn Undertaker. He always will be The Undertaker. I still remember him from when I was a little girl. He beats Brock — though, it won’t be easy. Death, however, ALWAYS wins.

MATT: No contest
This isn’t ending clean. I can’t say what will happen but neither guy will win here and what ever happens that interrupts the match will carry forward to WrestleMania. Brock should win clean but The Undertaker already did Vince McMahon a favor by jobbing to Lesnar at ‘Mania XXX. If he loses here, I’d be shocked. If ‘Taker wins, that means Lesnar takes a hit as a character. To be honest, I still have no idea why this match is happening when it should have happened far earlier than this.

Randy Orton vs. Sheamus

DANIELLE: Sheamus
He may look silly and his gimmick is such a stereotype but I think he goes over here because Orton’s just kinda there. I think Sheamus wins this match.

JENNIE: Sheamus
I will always side with an angry, pissed-off Irishman any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Today is one of those Sundays.

MATT: Sheamus
Sheamus needs a win. The dude won the case and he’s been beat up ever since. He should beat Orton here.

WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
John Cena vs. Seth Rollins (champion)

DANIELLE: #CENAWINSLOL
This isn’t gonna have a clean finish. I almost wonder if Kane gets involved somehow. Cena wins — but wins dirty. That’ll be the extra middle finger to those who wanna see him turn heel.

JENNIE: John Cena
While I like Seth Rollins (or realistically, his leather pants — rawwwwr…) I think that John Cena will win this one because he’s John Cena and Seth Rollins’ time is up.

MATT: Seth Rollins or Cena winning with Sheamus cashing in
There’s gonna be some massive chicanery here. Either The Authority interferes or Sheamus cashes in to win the match. There’s no way Cena goes home with the title.

And there you have it!

Watch what happens LIVE tonight at 4 PM PST / 7 PM EST as SummerSlam comes our way from New York!

Er…that’s it.

NXT Takeover: Brooklyn – Hugs Are Available At The Top Of The Ladder

Tommy Hall

August 23, 2015

Date: August 22, 2015
Location: Barclays Center, New York City, New York
Commentators: Byron Saxton, Corey Graves, Rich Brennan

It’s the biggest show in NXT history (so far) as NXT is on the road again. We have a double main event tonight with Finn Balor defending the NXT Title against former champion Kevin Owens in a ladder match and Bayley challenging for the Women’s Title against champion Sasha Banks. Let’s get to NXT Takeover!

HHH is in the ring to start and talks about how the NXT fans made this company unstoppable. They wanted something new and made it into a revolution. Because of that, the future is now. WE ARE NXT!

The arena looks amazing as this feels like a full on WWE pay per view.

Tyler Breeze vs. Jushin Thunder Liger

Breeze has a New York themed fashion show, complete with people dressed as the Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty. Jushin of course gets the legend’s pop that he deserves but he doesn’t have his signature music. Tyler scores with an early shoulder and lays over the top rope. Jushin takes him down and drops an elbow to the back before laying out just like Tyler.

We get a modified surfboard before the real version has Breeze in even more trouble. Liger is just going through his normal stuff here. A monkey flip sends Breeze face first into the mat before Liger steals the selfie stick for a quick picture. The Liger Bomb is countered and Breeze goes for the mask to make him the most evil man in the building. The Supermodel Kick gets two and the fans argue about levels of gorgeous. A modified backstabber gets two more for Tyler and the fans think Full Sail sucks.

Back up and the Liger Kick stuns Breeze but he gets the knees up to block a splash. Breeze takes too long yelling at the referee though and eats the palm strike. The threat of another dive sends him to the floor, only to have Liger hit a flip dive off the apron. Back in and the Liger Bomb finishes clean at 8:38.

Rating: B-. As cool as it is to see Liger in WWE, I’m really not sure about that ending. You brought Liger in to make Breeze look good and then Liger beats him in less than nine minutes? I don’t hate the result because Liger is indeed a legend, but I wanted to see Breeze go on as one of the top names in the company and now he’s losing here? To be fair though, Sami Zayn is the biggest star in NXT history and got big by losing over and over.

Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and Sean Waltman are here.

Becky Lynch and Charlotte wish Bayley luck.

Nia Jax is coming. She’s not like other girls.

Tag Team Titles: Vaudevillains vs. Blake and Murphy

The Vaudevillains are challenging. They also have top hats, making them even more awesome. The question here is who the Vaudevillains have to counter Alexa, who calls them pathetic for coming out alone. Fans: “WE WANT BLUE PANTS!” And here’s Blue Pants. Gotch works on Blake’s (now in trunks instead of tights) to start as the fans chant BLUE PANTS CITY. English comes in with a big boot for two before cranking on an armbar of his own.

Murphy comes in and eats an armbar as well, which the fans declare as manly. Blake finally gets in a cheap shot and comes in for a chinlock. The champ switch off for another chinlock before Blake is sent out to the floor. He’s smart enough to pull Gotch off the apron though and the hot tag is prevented. That’s one of my favorite spots. Murphy throws Aiden into the air for a neckbreaker and a two count. Heel miscommunication finally allows English to dive over for the tag and Simon starts cleaning house.

A quick tag brings English back in but he’s quickly crotched on top. The superplex takes too long though and Gotch powerbombs both champions, setting up a high angle swanton from English for two. Blue Pants pulls Alexa down but they both wind up in the ring for a catfight. Murphy tries a rollup for a very hot near fall but walks into the Whirling Dervish for the pin and the titles at 10:16.

Rating: C+. If this is the worst match of the night, this show is going to rock. The Vaudevillains winning the titles is a long time coming and it makes sense that Blake and Murphy lose as soon as the odds are even. Good match here and the crowd was white hot on those near falls. I can’t imagine how the main events are going to be if this is an indication.

Neville and Cesaro wished Finn Balor luck earlier.

Tye Dillinger vs. Apollo Crews

Dillinger is the Perfect 10, which is cut into the back of his hair. Crews looks amazed to be here. Tye flips across the ring and declares it a 10. Crews cartwheels into a backflip and thinks it’s the same. A dropkick breaks up Crews’ springboard in a big crash and Tye pats himself on the back. Crews powers out of a chinlock but gets kicked in the face for two. An awesome standing enziguri smacks Tye in the head and a gorilla press drop into a standing moonsault is enough to put Dillinger away at 4:45.

Rating: C. Well that worked. Crews was incredibly impressive here and got to show off both the power and the athleticism here. This was an awesome debut and Crews looks like he’s going to be the next big thing in NXT. Dillinger looked good too and has something sweet with this Perfect 10 thing.

William Regal announces the Dusty Rhodes Tag Team Classic, starting on September 2 and ending at the next Takeover on October 7 (a Wednesday). No more details are given but Regal says it will make the American Dream very proud.

We recap Baron Corbin vs. Samoa Joe. Corbin talks about his amazing background with all of his success in everything he’s done. He’s heard all these stories about people going around the world but he’s never heard of any of them. All Corbin had to do to come here is make a phone call. Joe answered a challenge and says he didn’t have to make a phone call because NXT called him.

Samoa Joe vs. Baron Corbin

The announcers think Joe is going to kill him. Joe has the Clutch on in less than a minute but Baron makes it to the floor. Back in and an enziguri in the corner puts Corbin right back on the floor, only to have him blast Joe in the face to stop a suicide dive. Joe kicks him in the face though and does his rotating submissions spot until Corbin puts his foot on the ropes.

Baron grabs a heel hook but Joe makes the rope a few seconds later. Something like a Boss Man Slam gets two on Joe so Corbin superkicks him. That earns Baron a second enziguri though and both guys are down. Back up and they slug it out with Joe taking over. Corbin locks the Muscle Buster before hitting kind of a loose Jackhammer for two. The End of Days is broken up so Corbin lifts him up into a choke spinebuster. Joe flips the cover into the Koquina Clutch though and Corbin is out at 10:24.

Rating: B-. Easily both guys’ best match in NXT as Corbin looks like he can last through a long match. Having Joe as the submission master who can switch to striking if need be is fine and Corbin worked the power style just fine. I’m always a fan of having people hit each other really hard and that’s what we got here. Good stuff.

Corbin says he never gave up.

Sgt. Slaughter, Ric Flair, female Japanese wrestler Kana and Team BAD are here.

Here’s Stephanie (whose music says she’s SELF MADE. You can’t buy comedy like that, though I’m sure she would have a crack team of comedy writers who are smart and funny to make them up if she could) to say we’re all making history right here and right now. A few weeks ago she started the Divas Revolution but it started right here in NXT. Therefore, she’s going to introduce the first main event.

We recap Bayley vs. Sasha Banks, which is about the spirit of the women’s division and Bayley fighting for the right thing. Sasha knows she’s the best though and wants to prove to Bayley that fairy tales don’t have happy endings. Bayley has lost over and over but tonight she’s more fired up than ever and has been on a roll.

Women’s Title: Bayley vs. Sasha Banks

Banks is defending. Bayley comes out with a yellow polka dot headband to honor Dusty in a very nice touch. Sasha on the other hand comes out in a Cadillac Escalade surrounded by a team of bodyguards. Sasha laughs off the Dusty wristbands and it’s a catfight to start. Bayley scores with a basement elbow for two and the fans are WAY into this. The champ sends her into the buckle over and over but Bayley shakes it off and ties Sasha in the Tree of Woe for a springboard elbow drop.

Banks goes outside for a breather so Bayley baseball slides her in the face. They fight into the corner where Bayley avoids the double knees, only to have a kick to the knee send her out to the floor. Sasha mocks the high fives to the fans before she hits Bayley’s running elbow to the back. The champ wins a slugout in the corner but still can’t hit the double knees. Instead she sends Bayley face first into the buckle and puts her on the top rope for the BIG double knees.

The kickout stuns Sasha so she tries some trash talk, only to be sent face first into the buckle. Bayley gets all aggressive with right hands but gets overzealous and sent outside. With desperation setting in, Sasha rips off the hand brace and sends the recently healed hand into the steps. That’s not enough so Sasha put the hand between the steps and the post and kicks them together to put Bayley on the floor and writhing in pain.

The referee takes too much time checking on her for Sasha’s liking though so Banks flips over him to land on Bayley. Back in and Sasha grabs the bad hand and walks the corner with it, snapping Bayley’s arm over the top. Sasha crashes hard on the floor though and seems to have banged herself up. The delay lets Bayley make her comeback with ax handles and the running corner elbow.

Sasha drops to her knees to block the Bayley to Belly and there’s the Bank Statement. Bayley crawls for the ropes but Sasha STOMPS ON THE BAND HAND to keep her away. Sasha tries to pull her back but Bayley rolls into a Bank Statement of her own. She cranks the heck out of that thing but Sasha rolls over to get her foot on the ropes. What a sequence. Bayley pulls her up to her feet for a Bayley to Belly but Sasha kicks out at a very close two.

With nothing else working, Bayley loads up the super Bayley to Belly but Sasha knocks her down. Bayley runs the corner for a forearm though and tries a super hurricanrana, only to have Sasha shove her away, sending Bayley crashing down onto her face. Sasha will have none of this waiting though and dives down onto Bayley for a VERY close two. They fight to the corner again and Bayley pulls off a super reverse hurricanrana. Sasha is DONE and the Bayley to Belly gives Bayley the title at 18:12.

Rating: A-. The wrestling and action have been topped before, but this was all about the story. Bayley showed all the heart in the world here and they managed to make me believe she actually might not get the title here. This felt like a war though and the fans carried it even higher than it was getting on its own. Awesome match here and I was right there with them every step of the way.

Becky Lynch and Charlotte come in to celebrate and it’s hugs all around, including one for Sasha. They all stand together and give the Four Horsewomen sign.

Seth Rollins is here.

Earlier tonight, HHH announced that NXT is taking over the UK in December.

We recap Kevin Owens vs. Finn Balor. Balor took the title from Owens in Japan so tonight it’s a ladder match to show that Japan was just a fluke.

NXT Title: Finn Balor vs. Kevin Owens

Ladder match with Balor defending and he’s in full demon mode. Balor does his big entrance and when the lights come on, Owens is sitting in a chair at ringside, leaned back against the barricade. Owens talks trash and starts going after the ladder but Balor pulls him back in and hammers away. Kevin drops him with an elbow to the jaw and drops the senton but the fans look at what seems to be a fight in the crowd. Thankfully Owens is smart enough to slowly walk around and stomp Finn until they have the crowd back.

After the powerbomb is countered, Owens drills him with the Cannonball as the OLE chants begin. The announcers acknowledge that it’s after 11 but they’re going to keep going. Graves: “It’s our network.” The Slingblade puts Owens down but he rolls out of the corner and goes for the ladder, only to be decked from behind. Balor gets crushed between the ladder and the ring so Owens loads up something but stops running and punches Finn in the face instead.

They fight into the crowd but Balor has to backdrop Owens over the barricade to counter another powerbomb. Owens whips him all the way over the announcers’ table then throws the covering at Balor. It’s ladder time again but Balor runs off the table to dropkick it into Owens’ face. Balor climbs but Owens pulls him down and throws him out to the floor, into another ladder. Some slams onto the ladder followed by a senton crush the champ’s ribs but he’s still able to backdrop Owens onto an open ladder for a sick crash.

Another Cannonball hits the ladder and Balor scores with a Coup de Grace but Kevin is up fast enough to powerbomb Balor off the ladder. Balor makes a save of his own and sends the ladder into Owens’ ribs. The powerbomb onto the apron is countered but Owens avoids a Coup de Grace off the apron. Balor charges right into the apron powerbomb and both guys are down. Owens tries to climb but Balor makes the save, only to get punched in the face again. With nothing else keeping Balor down, Owens bridges a ladder into the one that is standing like a platform but can’t hit the fisherman’s superplex.

Instead Balor rams Owens into the ladder, knocking him down and into a huge crash. The ladder is off center though and Owens gets up, only to be kicked down again. Balor looks at the crowd, likes what he hears, and drops the Coup de Grace off the ladder. That is SO risky and Balor is holding his ankle. Not that it matters as he climbs up and gets the belt to retain at 21:40.

Rating: A-. I liked the violence better here but the storytelling wasn’t quite as good as the previous match. Still though, outstanding match here with Owens playing the ultimate bully until Balor kept fighting to get the win. This was all about the violence and there’s nothing better to do in a ladder match. Really good main event even though the ending was never in doubt.

Overall Rating: A. Another excellent show here and did you really expect anything else? This is what NXT does: take their time building up a major card with two matches they know are going to blow the roof off the place and then a totally solid undercard to carry the rest of the show. Awesome stuff here and it’s great to see the show nail it on this big of a stage.

Results

Jushin Thunder Liger b. Tyler Breeze – Liger Bomb
Vaudevillains b. Blake and Murphy – Whirling Dervish to Murphy
Apollo Crews b. Tye Dillinger – Standing moonsault
Samoa Joe b. Baron Corbin – Koquina Clutch
Bayley b. Sasha Banks – Bayley to Belly
Finn Balor b. Kevin Owens – Balor pulled down the title

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B011T13PV4

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Finally, make sure to check out the Wrestling Bundle, which wraps up Sunday August 23 at midnight EST. Here are the details:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2015/08/16/the-wrestling-bundle/

Dark Matter Review: “Episode Eleven”

Jen Stayrook

August 21, 2015

Dark Matter - Season 1 — DARK MATTER -- "Episode Eleven" Episode 111 -- Pictured: (l-r) Jessica Sipos as Tash, Jodelle Ferland as Five -- (Photo by: Steve Wilkie/Prodigy Pictures/Syfy)

Season 1, Episode 11: “Episode Eleven”
Air date: August 21, 2015

Oh, hey there Dark Matter. You are looking mighty fine these days and I, for one, am incredibly happy you’ve turned into this exciting and character-driven sci-fi show.

When we left off in last week’s episode, Two’s life was in the balance. And by “in the balance” I mean, “floating in space” and I was devastated. Thankfully, Dark Matter decided to make it up to me in “Episode Eleven” as I was treated to the best episode thus far. It really says something about the show that every new episode subsequently becomes the best episode. There’s got to be a lull, I know, but since episode three, Dark Matter hasn’t hit it.

At the start of the episode, we’re forced to watch the final few moments of last week’s episode again, secretly hoping that maybe it was all a lie, that maybe Two wasn’t thrown out of an airlock. Dark Matter is a cruel mistress and instead keeps things as they are: Wexler and his crew of no-good-doers have commandeered the Raza, Two has been vaulted into space without a suit, and the rest of our numbered crew are locked inside the Raza’s infamous vault. I have to say, I have a feeling that the answers the crew are looking for will be found in this vault, as it’s been central to a few major stories now and as One says, they don’t even know half of what’s in there.

DARK MATTER -- "Episode Eleven" Episode 111 -- Pictured: Ennis Esmer as Wexler -- (Photo by: Steve Wilkie/Prodigy Pictures/Syfy) — DARK MATTER — “Episode Eleven” Episode 111 — Pictured: Ennis Esmer as Wexler — (Photo by: Steve Wilkie/Prodigy Pictures/Syfy)

Wexler then pulls out One for interrogation/torture about a planet where Jace Corso stashed his goods. Joke’s on Wexler and his stupid toothpick because One is the Jon Snow of the Raza and he don’t know shit about no “treasure planet.” Wexler doesn’t believe him so he grabs Five as incentive for One Snow to remember, as she’s not on the bounty list and is, according to him, disposable. Thankfully, the bad guys don’t get a chance to do anything to hurt my boo Five because of an FTL drive error and they’re forced to turn to her for help.

That’s right, Five is the hero. Again. Not only does she carry a knife in her boot to the free the boys but she’s also a genius.
Five explains to them that the FTL is kind of a rebellious teenager and it’s always sneaking out of the ship late at night, breaking family heirlooms along the way. Last time it nearly killed the Android and she asks for suicide volunteers, so naturally, Blonde #1, Vons, raises his hand.

In a shocking twist, things don’t go so well for Vons out in space and he’s not going to be making use of gravity any time soon, if you know what I’m saying. But what’s this? TWO IS BACK, Y’ALL. She’s not quite sure how she alien’d her way out of that freezing, no-oxygen mess, but she does it and boy is she pissed. I love, love, love angry Two, especially when she makes quick work of Blonde #2, Tash.

Meanwhile, in the vault that is quickly becoming the Central Perk of the Raza, One Snow decides to get on his soapbox, all riled up that even though they are all suffering from hypoxia, they are the men of the Raza and they should do something. The best part of this scene is the fact that it is intercut with scenes of Two kicking soldier butt without even messing up her hair. Even Five gets in on the action, saving Two’s life when Baldie Bad Guy decides to make an appearance.

Two then heads to the bridge to deal with Wexler’s weasel face, who has an “oh shit” moment when he realizes that not only has his Seal Deal gone south (by way of screwing over Commander Truffault) but Two is also miraculously alive and did I mention she’s pissed? Hell hath no fury like a woman almost murdered and Two decides to turn the tables on Wexler by imprisoning him in the airlock without his trusty toothpick to keep him company. He’s his usual cocky self, confident that Two won’t actually kill him, even after he divulges the new code to free the boys from the vault, but Two surprises everyone when she actually goes through with the murder. I probably shouldn’t be, but I’m definitely on board the Take No Prisoners Two Train.

With the day saved thanks to the ladies of the Raza, Two and the Android (making a much-needed appearance) have a heart-to-heart. The Android divulges to Two that she is an “advanced biosynthetic organism”, or rather, she’s the build-a-bear of humans, fully equipped with life-saving nanites to keep her alive in case of zombie virus or an unexpected trip into space.

I would have expected the episode to end on that note, but things with Dark Matter aren’t always so simple. Instead, the crew continues the deal with Mikkei, delivering the device down to the planet’s lab. High-fives for everyone for a job well done. Except, well, the device begins malfunctioning and as the Marauder reunites with the Raza, the planet goes all Alderaan on us.

Then the episode ends.

What the heck.

Dark Matter airs Fridays on Syfy at 10PM EST.

Follow Jen on Twitter for similar nonsense.

Killjoys: “Escape Velocity” Recap

Nicole C

August 21, 2015

Killjoys
Season 1, Episode 10: “Escape Velocity”
Air date: August 21, 2015
Grade: A

Syfy’s Killjoys is the arguably best series to hit television this summer thanks to it’s rich worldbuilding, intriguing story arcs and complex cast of characters. The action-packed stage is set with the introduction of the Quad, it’s intricate politics, and the different players that inhabit the system. We’ve got the RAC and the killjoys, The Company, the Nine, the resistance, the monks, and the poor commoners struggling to survive against all odds.

There is a much larger agenda in the works as we discovered that Khlyen is a mythical level 6 agent. He had been training Dutch from childhood for some unknown important mission. Team Awesome Force finds themselves dealing with dangerous situations on multiple fronts that are all somehow tied together; Khlyen and his plans, Alvis being framed for murder, claim day, the Seventh Gen Accords, and The Company’s retribution on Old Town.

First up Khlyen (Rob Stewart). Johnny (Aaron Ashmore) asks Carleen (Danka Scepanovic) to see if she can decrypt the files that he had stolen from level 71, but before she can do anything, the man himself appears at her hidden lair and slits her throat. While choking on her own blood, Carleen tells Khlyen that he can have the files but he doesn’t care about that and wants the liquid that Johnny had luckily (or unluckily?) hidden at D’avin’s (Luke MacFarlane) place. RIP Carleen though, let’s take a moment to honor her surliness, it was really growing on me.

Meanwhile Alvis (Morgan Kelly), scarback monk and secret freedom fighter, has been framed for a bloody massacre at the Leith Bazaar. He is forced to claim responsibility and accept his death sentence on screen where it is aired to the population in Old Town. Dutch (Hannah John-Kamen) takes it upon herself to talk to Hills Oonan and convince him to at least let her say goodbye to the monk. In his cell, Alvis asks for a favor and he tells her to look for the Rat King in the underground tunnels so that he can provide them with codes to old bunkers underneath Westerly. Dutch eventually agrees. What are these bunkers for? We’ll get to that.

KILLJOYS -- "Escape Velocity" Episode 110 -- Pictured: Aaron Ashmore as John -- (Photo by: Ken Woroner/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy) — KILLJOYS — “Escape Velocity” Episode 110 — Pictured: Aaron Ashmore as John — (Photo by: Ken Woroner/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy)

Johnny and D’avin have headed over to the bazaar to talk to Bellus (Nora McLellan) and find out what they can about level 6. The warrant broker says that she’s heard rumors about that since she started back in the day, but they were all crazy theories. She does admit though that agents have gone missing over the years and the RAC will say that they’ve been transferred or died in duty. Still, the whispers are that they’ve been forced into level 6. Bellus says that gene splicing and re-animation are involved. Well now that would explain A LOT about Khlyen’s lack of aging and resilience despite stab wounds. We also find out that Dutch’s ex-tutor covered their asses so that officially there was surprise system securities check at the RAC during their little escapade.

Team Awesome Force then reunites in the tunnels dressed up as Alvis’ monks to meet the Rat King (Noah Danby). Surprisingly, the underground leader asks them to prove their faiths in exchange for the codes. If they can provide a blessing for his dying sister he’ll give them what they need. At first it seems like the situation would degenerate into a fight, but Johnny steps in and gives quite a moving blessing. As a bonus, the Rat King provides them with IDs of three miners who had beaten three scarbacks and then taken their clothes. These men had been the real perpetrators of the Leith Bazaar massacre. Before they leave though, Johnny confesses to the Rat King that he isn’t a true believer, but the other man smiles back and says that from what he hears that’s not something he (Johnny) gets to decide. He bows and calls the younger Jaqobis “uncle” before departing. What could that be all about?

Above ground, there is a bit of light banter between the three and it seems like both Johnny and Dutch are now able to trust D’avin again after their RAC infiltration. Circumstances take a turn for the worse when Pawter (Sarah Power) fills them in on the Nine calling a vote to whether seventh generation Westerlands could still immigrate to Leith. Dutch suddenly gets a call from Delle Seyah (Mayko Nguyen) who demands her presence in Qresh, reminding the killjoy of the favor she owes. Having little choice, Johnny and Dutch head to the Ancestral Hall while D’avin works on getting the codes to Alvis’ people and then convincing Hills that the monk was framed with the ID tags as proof. This is a significant moment as you can see Dutch struggling with the three of them separating and she obviously still has feelings for the elder Jaqobis.

From here, the crap really hits the fan. On Qresh we get a taste of the lifestyle of the rich and famous with Delle Seyah’s ostentatious digs and wardrobe. As one of the Nine and a leading member of Land Kendry, she tells the two killjoys that they are here as her security detail since she’s been receiving death threats. She further explains that the Nine have to appear like they are hearing the Leithans out (who are angry with Westerland immigration) and hence the vote on the Seventh Gen Accords. Johnny also attempts to make contact with Pawter’s (real name Eleanor) mom, Seyah Simms. He tries to give her a note from the doctor but is harshly rejected, the older woman claiming that she has no daughter. As the vote begins, Dutch recognizes the genetic killing device from Leith and decides to go after the man who is carrying it while Johnny covers Delle Seyah.

Dutch and the unnamed man fight and he tells her that it’s nice to finally meet Khlyen’s pet. What the what?!? She stabs him in the eye and he just laughs saying he’s level 6. Wonderful, another one! In the scuffle though Delle activates the device, probably wiping out a whole rival political family. Johnny finds out from the aristocrat that Khlyen had wanted Dutch on Qresh and so she assumed that they both knew about the little coup that was going on. So it seems that level 6 agents facilitate political takeovers? It does make their role within the RAC so much more intriguing.

Back in Old Town, D’avin sees Khlyen in his room (where he’s found the stolen liquid) and he decides to follow the man against Dutch’s wishes. Guys, I’ve got a bad feeling about this. Khlyen the super soldier kicks his ass of course, but instead of killing D’av he has some other nefarious plan in mind. Incidentally we also learned that Dutch had a husband whom Khlyen had killed and that’s why she fled. The plot thickens!

KILLJOYS -- "Escape Velocity" Episode 110 -- Pictured: Luke Macfarlane as D'Avin -- (Photo by: Ken Woroner/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy) — KILLJOYS — “Escape Velocity” Episode 110 — Pictured: Luke Macfarlane as D’Avin — (Photo by: Ken Woroner/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy)

Johnny and Dutch make their way to Pree’s (Thom Allison) to warn the barkeep and Pawter that The Company was going to bomb the hell out of Old Town just like they did at Sugar Point. The alarms go off and they make the for the tunnels to get to Lucy and hopefully fly out of the target zone. Poor Pree has to say goodbye to his place because it’s more than just a bar!!! Dutch, Johnny, Pawter, Pree and a number of other people navigate their way underground where they run into Alvis who has been able to get out of prison. The prayer beads Dutch had given him when she visited had been a weapon he used to incapacitate a guard. Pawter decides that she needs to stay with Alvis because she could be more useful there. Johnny lies to her and says that her mother had missed her, but the doc knows better and thanks him anyways. Pawter’s complicated backstory is another wonderful dimension to this show. Here’s hoping she catches a break in season 2 (cuz we better get a season 2).

They go their separate ways and Dutch’s group makes it to The Company hangar where they are stopped by Hills and Company guards. Dutch finally realizes that it was the old man who framed Alvis and gave The Company a reason to bomb the area. Hills doesn’t refute his part in the setup but says that he wasn’t told about the bombs until it was too late. This is another moment filled with tension and sadness as Dutch concludes that Hills had also pulled the warning alarm to give people the chance to get away. I’m not sure why he decided to do this now because it indirectly terminated the Seventh Gen Accords and he had already planned for his family to have a better life on Leith. Filled with a sense of guilt, Hills lets Dutch and the others go and heads into Old Town himself to have one final drink.

Alvis, Pawter, and the rest of their small band are able to get into the self-sustaining bunkers just as the bombing is about to start. Inside Lucy, Dutch keeps trying to contact D’avin who has been taken by Khlyen, but to no avail. Johnny reluctantly says that they need to get out of there and that his brother has probably already gone underground. Dutch feels guilty though because D’avin had wanted to leave earlier but she had refused. But having not much of a choice, they leave Old Town. She records a message for the elder Jaqobis that she’s going to find him no matter what. As the bombing starts, a few poor souls are left inside Pree’s, a old couple dancing, a woman coming to terms with her final moments, and Hills pouring himself a one last glass of hokk. Outside the Rat King and his sister are arm in arm as they stare up into the night sky with Company bombers flying overhead. They can’t help but be happy to be finally in the open air and see the stars.

D’avin wakes up in pain from his Khlyen induced injuries and finds himself in an unfamiliar hall. He notices another person in the room with him and holy crap it’s Fancy Lee (Sean Baek)!!! Except Fancy’s eyes are all black and he’s connected to all these tubes. Damn the killjoy is being level 6’d too! Though it’s not really surprising since he’s awesome. Freaking the hell out, D’avin manages to find a door leading outside and he sees a desolate landscape before guards rush behind him to take him back in. We find out that the level 6 experimentation base is on Arkyn (the same moon that The Company first tried to colonize but it was a massive failure) and D’av is on his way to become one of them.

KILLJOYS -- "Escape Velocity" Episode 110 -- Pictured: Hannah John-Kamen as Dutch -- (Photo by: Ken Woroner/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy) — KILLJOYS — “Escape Velocity” Episode 110 — Pictured: Hannah John-Kamen as Dutch — (Photo by: Ken Woroner/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy)

With this ending it would be cruel not to have a season two. We need to find out where the Jaqobis brothers and Dutch are actually from, what the RAC really is, why Delle Seyah orchestrated the political takeover, what has Khlyen planned for Dutch, did Alvis and the others truly survive, what actually happened in Arkyn, and will D’avin survive becoming a level 6 agent?

This was a jammed pack freshman season where each warrant of the week tied together to form a larger cohesive narrative building an entirely new and immersive world. At the heart of Killjoys though are the multi-faceted characters. You’ve got Dutch, the former assassin looking for her place in the universe, D’avin the ex-soldier trying to put his life back together, John the loyal brother and friend who would do anything for those he loved, Pawter the doctor who went from riches to rags, Pree the barkeep with the heart of gold, Bellus the no-nonsense warrant broker and Alvis the monk who became a revolutionary. Even the antagonists weren’t one-sided. Fancy was a lone wolf who did what needed to be done and Khlyen proved to be so much more than a crazy ex-tutor when we finally learned that he was part of the RAC.

Killjoys has been an immensely fun ride full of adventure, intrigue, ass-kicking and conspiracies. I can’t wait to see what happens next!

Killjoys airs Fridays on Syfy at 9/8 central.

Follow @niixc on Twitter for more.

Images courtesy of Syfy.

Pokken Tournament Is Coming To Wii U

James Mikolajewski

August 21, 2015

Many said it wouldn’t happen, but fans demanded more. As the Wii U seems to be slowly creeping toward the finish line, a few more unique titles will still hit the struggling console. Pokken Tournament is officially coming to the Wii U!

Created by the minds behind Tekken, Bandai Namco, it takes the Tekken formula and adds Pokemon combatants (what’s not to love?). In August 2014, Pokken Tournament was announced for Japanese arcades, but nothing beyond that was ever hinted at.

The announcement was made at the Pokémon World Championships today in Boston, Massachusetts that Pokken Tournament will receive a Worldwide release in Spring 2016. The games producer, Katsuhiro Harada, hopes that the game will appeal to both Tekken fans as well as the Pokémon faithful. “Whether you are a casual player, a regular player, or a hardcore player, anyone who likes Pokémon can have fun!” Harada also says that the game will feature “amazing graphics and smooth, fluid movements”.

Are you excited to get your Pokémon rumble on? Does this mean that there is hope of the Luigi’s Mansion arcade game making its way around the world? Let us know in the comments down below!

Smackdown – August 20, 2015: Go Home, Go Home, Go Home

Tommy Hall

August 20, 2015

Date: August 20, 2015
Location: Resch Center Hall, Green Bay, Wisconsin
Commentators: Tom Phillips, Jerry Lawler, Jimmy Uso

It’s the final show before Summerslam, meaning it’s time to find out how many times they can talk about Brock vs. Undertaker in about an hour and a half. It’s going to be a mixture of matches getting the hype this week as the main event is an eight man tag with three feuds being combined into one match. Let’s get to it.

Opening sequence.

Ryback vs. Big Show

Non-title and yes they’re actually starting with a match for a change. Ryback punches away to start but Show drops him with a clothesline. They seem to be going with the “hit each other really hard” formula tonight. Phillips starts listing off the odds for Sunday’s title match, because the fans aren’t smart enough to divide by three. A side slam puts Ryback down and Show hits the chinlock. Miz told Lawler the following sage wisdom: “Size means nothing. The whale is an endangered species but the ant is doing just fine.” That’s one of those bizarre statements that works, which makes it even more disturbing.

Ryback fights up and just runs Big Show over, much to the announcers’ delight. Something like a spinebuster puts Show down again (to be fair, he’s not the easiest guy to spinebust) but the Meat Hook is countered by a spear for a close two. Show actually dropkicks him to the floor but Ryback comes back with the Meat Hook to put them through that part of the barricade they always go through when they go through part of the barricade (Jimmy: “OH SNAP! OH SNAP!”). It’s a double countout at 4:14.

Rating: C+. They packed a lot into this and it’s fun to see someone like Ryback muscle Big Show around. I know it’s been done a million times, but it’s still an impressive display of strength. Also, well done on having them go to a draw instead of having one of them lose. I’ve never been a fan of having someone going into a title match losing, but that’s what they did with Miz on Raw. Hopefully that doesn’t mean he gets the title back though as Ryback is starting to put something together as champion.

It takes a bit to get everything cleaned up.

New Day vs. Los Matadores/El Torito

This is billed as a six being match because WWE is stupid that way. I could watch New Day’s entrance for hours, especially the look on Kofi’s face. Woods and Fernando get things going and Lawler is already making his lame old man short person jokes. A quick splash sends Woods into the corner for a tag to Kofi but Los Matadores double team him down with Diego’s neckbreaker getting two.

Lawler says he went to see the Lucha Dragons’ new movie: Dragon Ball Z. I would pay to see Lawler watch a Dragon Ball Z movie. The threat of Torito sends New Day to the floor and we take a break. Back with Woods charging into Diego’s elbow but making the tag off to Big E. Diego gets dropped face first on the top turnbuckle for two and it’s rotating stomp time.

Woods hits his running basement dropkick in the corner before it’s off to Kofi, who is sent face first into the post, allowing for the tag to Torito. This is the big showdown with Woods (Lawler: “It’s deja moo!”) and a rolling cradle gets two for the bull. Everything breaks down and Big E. runs the full sized masked guys over, leaving us with E. vs. Torito. A big backbreaker sets up the Warrior splash and Woods gets the pin at 9:09.

Rating: D+. This is WWE in a nutshell: lame puns, a six being match, and a full match built around a thirty second spot on Monday that no one really cared about because it might make someone backstage laugh. At least New Day won and we got the celebration after a watchable match, but the story just killed this for me.

Someone gives Woods flowers and the celebration is on in full.

Here are Ziggler and Lana for a chat. Ziggler talks about how good it feels to be back here…..with Lana. He’s been tired of spending six weeks on the shelf, eating his dinners through a straw. Ziggler wanted to be here to help Lana against Summer and Rusev, before he needed to find his Lana (his words) and see if she was ok. The first thing she said to him was they needed to crush those two. Ziggler: “THAT IS HOT!”

Lana thinks they make a great team because Ziggler always stands up for what he believes in and she shoved Summer into a fish. Dolph says Lana just wanted to prove how tough she was, which makes Lana giggle. Rusev can have his pathetic wannabe but only Dolph gets the real thing.

Cue the Rusev flag, quickly followed by Rusev and Summer. Rusev promises to crush Ziggler’s throat again and put him in the Accolade. Well that’s certainly efficient. He’ll let go before Ziggler passes out though so Dolph can see Summer crush Lana as well. That will be the end of his comeback, but Dolph says the comeback doesn’t even start until Summerslam when he kicks Rusev’s teeth down his throat and steals the real girlfriend. Didn’t he do that already?

This is one of those feuds where the rationale seems to have been “well, there’s nothing else for them to do”, which rarely makes for a good story. Ziggler’s thinking makes sense (“What am I supposed to do? Turn down the hot blonde trying to kiss me?”) but Lana feels so forced into this story.

It really doesn’t help that she had to just sit around and wait for Ziggler to come back from his movie as she’s lost all of her heat in this story. Yeah remember like three months ago when you heard all those WE WANT LANA chants? How long have those been gone? About as long as she’s been with Ziggler I believe? At least it’s not a mixed tag though.

Here’s a good chunk of Cena and Rollins’ exchange from Raw.

Neville vs. Bo Dallas

Dallas takes him into the corner for an elbow to the jaw and driving some knees into the back of the head. “BOLIEVE!” We hit the cravate on Neville but he pops up, kicks Bo in the head and ends this with the Red Arrow at 1:54. Neville is getting into that 1995 Randy Savage mode of only hitting one move, which isn’t a good sign for him going forward.

Stardust and Barrett pop up on screen and promise to win. Barrett: “On Sunday, red and green turn black and blue!” Stardust: “Yeah. He’s going to punch you!” Neville will be grounded by a royal Bullhammer so hail the Cosmic King and Stardust.

Team Bella comes out for a triple threat but it’s time for a chat first. Alicia introduces Nikki, who will hold the record in 26 days and represents fearlessness. Has that slogan ever been explained? I mean, what makes Nikki fearless? Nikki says she may be fearless but she has doubts too. This past Monday was her toughest challenge to date and Sasha didn’t disappoint. Maybe one day, Sasha will be an amazing Divas Champion, but that day isn’t today. Well of course not because she hasn’t gotten the record yet.

Nikki says that her title reign makes her the most powerful woman in sports entertainment. Oh yeah Stephanie is getting involved in this after Sunday. They’re proud of being part of what social media has dubbed the Divas Revolution. Oh come on. I know WWE has decided that social media is the greatest thing in the world but Cole has been calling it that name for a month now.

Cue Team BAD with Naomi saying that the Bellas don’t speak for the entire division and no one believes them. She advises them to not prepare a victory speech for Summerslam, “because it’s not going to happen boo.” Sasha talks some trash so Brie gives one of the worst deliveries I’ve ever heard as she says Sasha calls herself the Boss, but there’s a much better word for her that starts with a B. That line was clearly off a script and Brie just butchered it. Like, Ed Leslie levels of bad butchering.

Sasha brings up making Nikki tap on Raw (Nikki: “Still the champ!”) but switches to Brie, who has ridden her injured husband’s coattails for months now. Brie tells her to shove it instead of bank on it and violence is teased but here’s Team PCB to intercede. Well Team CB at least as Paige is at Tough Enough. Becky promises a lass kicking and we’re ready to go.

Before we get to the match, let’s talk about why this was such a bad segment at its core. Ignoring how bad some of the delivery was, you had pretty much the entire Divas’ division out there (has Natalya been on TV in the last month?) and none of them talked about wanting to be champion.

Nikki said Sasha might be champion one day, but I can’t remember the last time anyone said they wanted a shot. It’s just about establishing which team is dominant or whatever, because that’s all they’re allowed to fight over right now. I can’t wait for next week when they can get back to normal with some better stories, because this whole AJ record thing is killing anything they had with the introduction of the new roster.

Becky Lynch vs. Brie Bella vs. Sasha Banks

Everyone goes after each other to start and it’s Becky left standing and telling the others to come get her. We take a break thirty seconds into the match of course because having a break after the promo wouldn’t have made a bit of sense. Back with Brie doing a YES chant and kicking Sasha in the head for two. The BRIE MODE running knees don’t appear to make much contact but get two more on Lynch.

It’s Sasha’s turn now as she stacks the other two up in the corner for the double knees. That always looks cool. Brie and Sasha clothesline each other down and it’s Becky in to clean house with suplexes all around. Sasha gets up on the apron but Brie rams Becky into her and grabs a rollup with trunks for the pin at 7:21.

Rating: C+. Brie is an interesting case as she can range anywhere from dreadful to passable on any given night. This was a good little match after a promo that didn’t make a ton of sense when you started to think of it. Thankfully we get to the serious stuff next week though so this is one of the last messes we have to sit through.

Orton, Ambrose, Reigns and Cesaro all promise to win their matches on Sunday.

Long video of Undertaker and Lesnar from Monday.

Randy Orton/Cesaro/Roman Reigns/Dean Ambrose vs. Sheamus/Kevin Owens/Luke Harper/Bray Wyatt

That’s quite the main event roster. Orton and Sheamus get things going after about ten minutes of entrances. The threat of an RKO has Sheamus on the floor after about twenty seconds and we’re already in a commercial. Cut that out already! Back with Owens saying he wants Cesaro and getting what he wants when Orton drags Kevin over to face him. A quick suplex puts Kevin down and it’s off to Ambrose vs. Harper with the former getting a very nice canned reaction. Dean drives him into the corner for the same canned pop for Reigns.

Roman kicks Harper in the face but eats a forearm and it’s quickly off to Bray. Back to Cesaro for the European uppercuts in the corner and it’s off to Harper, who whips Cesaro into the ropes. Unfortunately Harper thinks he’s wrestling a human as Cesaro flips over the ropes and lands on the apron for a sunset flip. Everything almost breaks down but in what might be a first, the referee actually holds things together.

The distraction lets Harper kick Cesaro in the face and the villains take over. Bray gets in some shots and NOW Owens is willing to come in for the Cannonball. Back from a second break with Cesaro getting caught in the Regal Roll and a tag to Harper for a slingshot hilo of all things. Owens and Wyatt alternate backsplashes for two and it’s off to a chinlock to kill time. Cesaro does his best to fight out of the corner but walks into the Irish Curse to stop him cold again. A dropkick finally gives Cesaro a break and that invisible crowd pops up one more time.

The hot tag brings in Reigns who starts his variety of clotheslines. The apron kick mixes things up a bit and it’s time for some Samoan drops. See, why can’t he do things like that more often? A suplex or two won’t kill him. Some double teaming from Wyatt and Sheamus puts Reigns down but Sheamus takes too much time going after Ambrose, allowing the Superman Punch to knock him silly.

Dean gets the next hot tag to run over Harper, as has been his custom over the years. Wyatt gets knocked to the floor and Dean dives out onto him, followed by throwing Harper outside for a suicide dive. The standing elbow gets two on Harper with Owens diving on top for the save (Harper was crushed) and it’s time for the parade of finishers, capped off with Dirty Deeds for the pin on Harper at 19:22.

Rating: B. Take eight guys and let them get in there together for a solid formula tag match and watch the good results come in. There isn’t much else you can do to hype up this many matches on one show so this was about all they could put together. Harper losing was probably the best option as he’s just a minion whose job is to lose so Bray doesn’t have to. I’m always a sucker for all the finishers in a row to end a match too so good stuff.

The winners celebrate to end the show.

Overall Rating: B. This was a good, solid go home show for everything but the two main events. Smackdown has really improved in recent weeks since they started being the show where the midcard feuds get some spotlight. Raw alternates between Cena vs. Rollins and Lesnar vs. Undertaker, so it’s nice to see the other stuff get some attention too. Good show this week and Summerslam looks solid.

Results

Big Show vs. Ryback went to a double countout

New Day b. Los Matadores/El Torito – Woods pinned Torito after a splash from Big E.

Neville b. Bo Dallas – Red Arrow

Brie Bella b. Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks – Rollup to Lynch with a handful of trunks

Roman Reigns/Dean Ambrose/Cesaro/Randy Orton b. Luke Harper/Bray Wyatt/Kevin Owens/Sheamus – Dirty Deeds to Harper

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B011T13PV4

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Finally, make sure to check out the Wrestling Bundle, which wraps up Sunday August 23 at midnight EST. Here are the details:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2015/08/16/the-wrestling-bundle/

‘No Escape’ review: Escape from the theater

Matt Perri

August 20, 2015

“No Escape”
Directed by John Erick Dowdle
Written by Drew & John Erick Dowdle
Starring Owen Wilson, Lake Bell, Pierce Brosnan, Sterling Jerins, Claire Geare, Spencer Garrett, Sahajak Boonthanakit
Rated: R
Grade: no stars out of ****

“No Escape” features a family attempting to get out of an unnamed “Southeast Asian” country after bloodthirsty dissidents take over the entire region in the time it takes to get a haircut. It’s also the type of movie where the safe haven of “Vietnam” is just beyond an old bridge marked with a giant, bright-orange banner that actually reads “VIETNAM” in big letters because, holy shit, that’s how much respect the filmmakers have for their audience.

Owen Wilson stars as “Jack Dwyer”, a businessman with affiliation to a company that has apparently discovered some of the area’s resources and plopped a big ol’ factory down like Sim City in order to mine it. ‘Murica’s meddlin’ pisses off the good citizens of Where Ever The Hell This Is, so they all don red scarves, brandish guns, swords and other assorted weapons and go on a bloodthirsty rampage, murdering anything that gets in their way.

After witnessing other white people getting a bullet to the head, Dwyer scoops up his wife Annie (Lake Bell) and his two kids, Lucy (Sterling Jerins) and “The Beez” (Claire Geare), and, together, they escape to the roof of their hotel. After nearly dying several times over at the hands of a rebel-hijacked gunship, the family ends up uniting with a mysterious man named “Hammond” (Pierce Brosnan) and his partner, “Kenny Rogers” (Sahajak Boonthanakit), the Dwyers are told to escape to “Vietnam” where (in a twist the filmmakers seem to think is deeply ironic) they can find asylum.

The film is wildly uneven.

First, It’s honest-to-Flying-Spaghetti-Monster weird that this is a movie set in a part of the world with so much culture and so many good people, yet the only people we’re programmed to care about is a bunch of white people. Seriously. Everyone “civilized” is a bunch of white people who just cannot believe what’s happening. On top of that, the Dwyers and the situation that causes the country’s “uprising” are completely underdeveloped. Why are the Dwyers there? For Dad’s company thing. What’s the company thing? Something about water and putting in a factory that takes water. On top of that, every single Asian person who isn’t one of the rebels in this film is simply window dressing — and insultingly so. They’re clueless, nameless, and helpless or they’re represented as drug addicts, hookers or living in complete poverty.

Second, while the movie can be very intense and delivers some suspenseful set pieces (that is, if you’re into the kind of “intense suspense” the Brothers Dowdle are selling you), it starts at dumb, then moves on to insulting to offensive to dirty to downright ugly.and there were moments I was tempted to walk out of the theater and not watch another minute. One moment that encompasses all five of those adjectives is a scene where Annie is temporarily captured by a group of rebels. Before I go on, I probably should say that you’ve probably guessed that the movie is basically an ongoing game of cat-and-mouse. Each suspense sequence is predicated on whether or not the rebels will look behind some rubble or underneath some sort of canvassing to find the Dwyers trembling underneath.

When Annie is nabbed, she’s beaten mercilessly — and I mean mercilessly. The leader of the group outright pins her to the ground and punches her in the face until blood is pouring from her mouth. It’s a terrible scene — but the filmmakers aren’t through. Annie is thrown on top of a stone column, a couple rebels holding her there. The leader spreads her legs and begins to unbuckle his pants, intent on raping her in front of her husband. All Jack can do is scream as the rebel leader just smirks at Jack. A belt is unbuckled. We hear a zipper. Moments later, they tear her dress off. The music grows more and more shrill, leading to some sort of crescendo. It’s not suspenseful. It’s sick. The rape scene in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo works because it ends up advancing the plot. It also sympathizes with the character by showcasing the emotional and physical toll it takes on Lisbeth. Lisbeth is also a very strong female character. In this movie, the near-rape is used as a set-piece. It’s exploitation and cinematic misogyny at its worst, as if the filmmakers are smugly winking at the audience while asking, “Will he REALLY rape Annie? WILL HE???”

I won’t even touch the part where the rebel’s leader gives Beez a gun so that she can shoot her own father. Oh wait, I went there. He also puts a gun to her head and threatens to end her life if she doesn’t follow through on that order. What a movie.

The big draw behind this film is Owen Wilson’s “dramatic turn”, which is to say that he’s doing something other than being a comedy character with an easygoing “gee whiz” swagger. Unfortunately, he brings that same swagger into this movie. Nothing changes here other than the fact that he bleeds, occasionally punches a guy and holds a gun. It’s even hard to believe that this is his family. He just seems like he was plucked out of “A Night at the Museum” in order to fill in for Kiefer Sutherland who couldn’t make it because he was busy filming Tequila ads. Brosnan doesn’t belong here, either. His character is more or less a reprisal of the Julian Noble character from 2005’s “The Matador”. He’s a heavy-drinking, chain-smoking, womanizing former government spook working for the UK or Australia. Like every other character or sub-plot in this film, we’re not sure because it isn’t clear and it never becomes clear. He’s presented as the film’s comic relief which is a baffling decision considering what the filmmakers are trying to go for. Plus, it’s obvious the Dwyers need a little help and who better to help them than Dirty Old James Bond? Right?

Other than that, there isn’t much to this movie. Every single sequence is the Dwyers running from the same angry people over and over and hiding behind fences, rocks and bushes. Sometimes, they disguise in plain sight and walk right through a mob of angry rebels who don’t have seem to have the smarts to stop and say, “Hey, you’ve got blonde hair, blue eyes and a couple kids!” Even the cinematography and locales are irritating and disgustingly grimy. Everything is bloody or covered in mud. It’s interspersed with night photography a’la Michael Mann, but completely lacks the style that made Mann’s films unique. It’s obvious that director John Erick Dowdle has some talent, having given us some decent psychological horror in “The Poughkeepsie Tapes” and “As Above, So Below”, and one can see that he’s brought that mindset to this film. The film is almost like a zombie apocalypse film with real people standing in for the zombies. With a better script and fleshed-out characters, that premise might have worked. It wouldn’t have been wholly original (“28 Days Later” kinda tackled that), but it might have worked.

It doesn’t work when you have Annie pointing at Vietnam’s “bridge border” and yelling, “LOOK! THERE’S VIETNAM!”

One of the movie’s taglines is “How far would you go to survive?”

That question should be directed at the audience subjected to this disaster.

(“No Escape” premieres in theaters nationwide, August 26th, 2015.)

‘Discstorm’ Review: All the Frisbees in the World Can’t Save You Now

Jen Stayrook

August 20, 2015

Discstorm is a fun, retro arena-fighting game developed by XMPT Games that unfortunately, is going to suffer from a bad release. I waited to review this game because I like to give most things the benefit of the doubt (ahem, Arkham Knight) but as it stands, Discstorm is a broken game.

The premise of Discstorm is a simple one: you choose your character and throw discs at different enemies to kill them. Some require more skill than others, naturally, and some even require you to use the environment to your advantage. You progress through stages of fights, moving from arena to arena to beat your way through one checkpoint to the next. It’s a lot of throwing discs and then running around in circles to collect them while dodging enemy attacks. Outside of the tutorial explaining how to play the game, don’t expect much in the way of story or character progression. There is exactly nil of both.

One of the first screens to pop up when you load Discstorm is a disclaimer, telling you that the game is more fun with a controller and friends. However, after cycling through Tronsmart PC, PS3, and XBOX One controllers, I could not get any to work with the game. Even after waiting days for patches, the controllers’ directional pads worked, but buttons did not.

I moved on to a keyboard and mouse setup. For as hard as I tried to get the controllers to work, I actually believe this game is better with a keyboard and mouse, which of course limits the second portion of the disclaimer: multi-player, as the game is local co-op only. Unfortunately, the keyboard wasn’t without its flaws either. Up until this morning the right-click to deflect attacks motion was bugged which meant players couldn’t even get through the tutorial. And after finishing in the dojo, some of the controls were still sorely out of sync, especially the spacebar’s collect discs movement, and even worse, some levels were bugged together, mixing forest and space level traits, leaving me confused and dead because of it.

Which is all a shame because Discstorm could be good fun for a small indie game. It’s premise is simple but with a few tweaks and additions, could be incredibly fun and challenging. Each of the ten levels is built different from the last, allowing for ever-changing tactics and strategy when it comes to boss fights and fending off hordes of pirates and skeletons. There is a nice variety in enemies, each offering their own attack mechanic which makes thing a bit difficult when they all spawn at once. Some of the enemies even turn your own discs against you, which means you have to be careful of just slinging frisbees half-hazardly.

The art work and music are by far the best part of the game. It’s gorgeous to look at with a solid retro feel. The dialogue is funny albeit cheesy at times, which is what I expect from any retro video game, but it does rely too heavily on breaking the fourth wall, ruining much of the cheeky humor. Regrettably, because there is no story to the game’s main campaign and outside of unlocking a few costumes for each of the playable characters, there’s no replayability, unless you really want those achievements.

Thankfully, there are options when it comes to choosing a character, but that choice really only comes down to looks. Had there been strategy, kind of like choosing a character’s class in an RPG, like for instance choosing a slower character with more discs or one with fewer discs and permadash, I’d have been more interested. As it stands, the only difference is the color of the character’s discs.

Alas, Discstorm comes down to being a buggy game with little variety and entertainment for a couple of hours, at most. I wish the game had more to it because it could be exciting and fun with a better multi-player and control system, but it falls short.

3.5/10

‘Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture’ Review: Beautiful but Painful

Roberto Valentin Jr.

August 20, 2015

Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture is one of the most interesting and puzzling “games” I’ve played this year. Developed by The Chinese Room, Rapture is another entry in the ever growing narrative experience adventure game. In fact, more than just another entry, Rapture is in many ways the new benchmark for this genre. Unfortunately, one design choice, also makes it the most disappointing.

Like The Vanishing of Ethan Carter before it, Rapture is played from the first person perspective with no combat and limited controls. In fact, your actions are limited to walking on the left stick, looking with the right, interacting with X and a hidden “run” (more on that later) button on R2. Unlike Ethan Carter there is no puzzle solving, only exploration.

Dropped in the middle of the quiet English village, Yaughton, it’s your objective to discover what has happened to its inhabitants. You are told that the answers you seek are revealed in the “light”. Right on cue, a ball of “light” is in front of you and the rest of the game finds you following this “light”. Don’t worry. It’s much more engrossing than it sounds.

This “light” leads you to spots that relive moments. In front of you appears an outline of individuals who lived in the village, outlined in this same “light”. These scenes give you, the player, insight into the overarching mystery by allowing you to experience the villagers last weeks leading up to the Rapture.

What makes the premise work is the attention to detail that is shown throughout the 5 hour game. From toys left on the floor in a child’s room, to teapots on the table out in the garden, Yaughton feels like a town that was lived in and suddenly abandoned. Combined with great lighting effects and gorgeous visuals, walking through the village felt like…well, walking through a village.

This same attention to detail is present in the storytelling. Each of these “moments” is so well written and voice acted, that I began to feel a connection to these villagers. I felt angry with some and sad for others. No small feat considering that, as mentioned, all you ever see of these people is an outline of light. I was no longer driven to discover what happened because of the mystery of it all, but because whatever happened, I’m not sure these people deserved it.

Bringing the package together is Rapture’s amazing soundtrack. The music perfectly highlights each moment, one moment adding to the tension and the next… adding to the sadness. In a time when music is often something relegated to the background and rarely noticed, The Chinese Room’s soundtrack is one of its strongest storytelling tools.

Everything mentioned above makes me want to love this game but one awful mechanic ruined the entire experience for me: the movement speed. Rapture, by far, has the slowest movement speed of any game I have ever played. Your character feels as though they are moving at a literal snail’s pace. That previously mentioned “run” button, is utterly useless. It takes a handful of seconds to build momentum and even then is still slower than the average games walking pace. At best, it is a 60-year-old speed walker’s pace.

The movement speed is exacerbated by the fact that Yaughton is a large environment and there are a number of times when you have to backtrack through an area. After the first hour of play, I became annoyed with this game design. By hour 3, I was physically uncomfortable with how slow my character moved. Instead of taking in the environment and wanting to explore every corner of the village, all I wanted was for the game to be over. I honestly contemplated stopping before reaching Rapture’s conclusion, and while I am glad I didn’t, it should have never come to that.

Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture is a beautiful game, both visually and in its ability to tell an engaging story. It’s because of this that The Chinese Room’s exclusion of a “true” sprint option is so noticeable and disheartening. Instead of taking in everything that the world of Rapture had to offer, I found myself jealous of Yaughton’s former inhabitants because for them, it was already over.

Final Score: 7/10

NXT – August 19, 2015: Proper Jobber Use

Tommy Hall

August 20, 2015

Date: August 19, 2015
Location: Full Sail University, Winter Park, Florida
Commentators: Byron Saxton, Corey Graves, Rich Brennan

It’s the go home show for Takeover: Brooklyn and the card is pretty much set in stone, meaning tonight is all about the final build. This Saturday is going to be the biggest show in NXT history with 13,000 fans in attendance, so hopefully this show sets the stage in a very big way. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Finn Balor destroying Marcus Louis last week but getting attacked by Kevin Owens, including the Pop Up Powerbomb to leave the champion laying.

The recaps continue with a look at Bayley pinning Becky Lynch last week to earn a shot at Women’s Champion Sasha Banks. The staredown with Sasha made me want to see the match even more than I already did. Assuming Bayley wins the title (and Heaven help them if she doesn’t), the eruption is going to be off the charts.

Opening sequence.

Here’s NXT GM William Regal to open things up with a good old fashioned contract signing. It’s Bayley out first with Regal pointing out that she defeated Emma, Charlotte and Becky Lynch to earn the shot. Imagine that: earning a title shot because you beat all the contenders. Banks comes out and sees the girl Bayley hugged in the front row, who she promises to make cry. Now THAT is a heel.

Bayley thanks the fans and says she couldn’t be here without them. She’s had these title matches before but she’s let it slip through her fingers. Fan: “NOT THIS TIME!” Bayley: “Yeah that’s right.” She knows the people can feel it, she knows Regal can feel it and she thinks Sasha can feel it too. Bayley signs but Sasha mocks her for having such a big moment. Fans: “Let’s go Bayley!” Sasha: “There’s a reason the show is in Brooklyn and not here.” That earns her some of the loudest booing in her career.

Sasha promises to show Bayley why she’s the boss and stamps her signature on the contract. The champ goes to leave but Bayley says she’s watched a lot of WWE and this isn’t how contract signings end. Sasha isn’t scared because she isn’t Becky or Charlotte. Bayley really thinks she’s a role model to all the little girls in the audience? Sasha is the real role model because she’s going to teach them that fairy tales don’t have happy endings.

It’s not worth her time to fight Bayley tonight because Bayley is just not worth it. Banks leaves and Bayley looks like she’s about to cry but goes after Banks on the ramp until referees break it up. I haven’t wanted to see a match like this in a long time, probably all the way back to the first Shield vs. Wyatt Family match. As they always do, NXT knows how to take their time to build up a match, but more importantly they know how to build to a moment. I’m to the point where I have to see Bayley win the title and it’s going to be one of the best moments in a long time, even if it seems so obvious. Hopefully it’s not too obvious.

Apollo Crews video.

Tyler Breeze vs. ???

Breeze has a Liger mask to hang on the corner. The jobber doesn’t even have a name and the Supermodel Kick takes him out at 35 seconds.

Breeze puts the Liger mask on the guy post match and says he’s heard great things about Liger but he really isn’t impressed. Everyone here wants a little preview of what they can expect, so there’s a Beauty Shot to the jobber with Breeze counting his own pin.

Hype Bros/Enzo Amore/Colin Cassady vs. ???/???/???/???

Cass thinks that any Joe Schmo who wants to go toe to toe with him, Zo, Mojo and the Bro can only be described in one word. Mojo cranks on one of the nameless jobber’s wrists before it’s off to Ryder to send him into the buckle. Even the announcers aren’t naming these guys. A middle rope dropkick with Ryder landing on top for a cover connects before it’s off to Enzo to stay on the arm.

The first jobber brings Enzo to the corner for a tag to the guy in a shirt like Rollins used to wear for a kick to the head. Jobber #3’s chinlock doesn’t last long and the hot tag brings in Big Cass to clean house. Everything breaks down and the first jobber takes the Broski Boot, followed by #4 getting Cass’ side slam and the Rocket Launcher for the pin at 3:08.

Rating: C-. Total squash here and I kind of like the idea of the newcomers not even being named because it’s not worth the time. The announcers spent the entire time hyping up next week’s eight man tag with the winners facing Dash Wilder/Scott Dawson/Chad Gable/Jason Jordan.

Dash Wilder/Scott Dawson/Chad Gable/Jason Jordan say it’s going to be a bit more difficult for the Hype Bros/Enzo/Cass next week. Gable does his ready, willing and Gable line and his teammates groan.

Samoa Joe vs. Steve Cutler

The Rock Bottom out of the corner and the Koquina Clutch end Cutler in 33 seconds.

Corbin jumps Joe from behind and throws him back in the ring for End of Days.

The new and improved Bull Dempsey is here next week.

Blake/Murphy vs. Angelo Dawkins/Sawyer Fulton

Non-title. Fans: “Come on Blakey let’s go party.” I hate that song but good night that’s brilliant. Dawkins armdrags Blake down to start and dropkicks both champions down. Blake gets in a few shots but a shoulder puts him down and it’s off to Fulton to clean house. A swinging gutwrench suplex plants Murphy but he pops back up for the running suplex into Blake’s frog splash for the pin at 3:39.

Rating: C. It was to have this not be a squash but there was never any doubt as to who was winning here. Unfortunately we didn’t get enough Bliss here as she’s clearly the star of the team and by far the most interesting thing out there. Blake and Murphy are little more than passable but they have a gorgeous manager with attitude so they’re going to be fine.

Post match the Vaudevillains come out to introduce their counter to Bliss. Before they can say anything though, Bliss comes up and slaps them both twice. Fans: “WE WANT BLUE PANTS!”

Next week it’s Carmella vs. Eva Marie, which is one of the matches being taped before Takeover. Also next week, the eight man tag mentioned earlier and Charlotte vs. Emma vs. Becky Lynch vs. Dana Brooke.

Here’s Kevin Owens with a ladder for his last speech before the title match. After annoying the fans by bringing up Brooklyn, Owens calls the fans hypocrites for hating Takeover not being here in Florida. These are the same fans who chant FIGHT OWENS FIGHT, unless he’s laying a finger on Sami Zayn or mentioning John Cena, which makes them boo. If he talks about beating John Cena though, everyone cheers. The NXT fans are the John Cena of wrestling fans because nothing genuine comes out of their mouths.

They talk about wanting NXT to succeed and grow but then they boo when it’s selling out a 13,000 seat arena (“which only sold out once I was in the main event”) because it’s being taken away from then. He’s sick of coming here and performing in front of trash like this. However, it’s going to make him feel better to beat a clown like Balor in front of a crowd worthy of seeing him. As for Balor, he needs to understand that Japan was a fluke.

What Owens has done to guys like Sami Zayn is nothing because now he needs the NXT Title to shove it in the faces of these stupid fans. Saturday is going to be destroy Owens destroy and climb Owens climb. Fans: “FALL OWENS FALL!” Owens is on top of the ladder and there go the lights.

Balor is sitting on the top rope so Owens wisely climbs back down. They don’t wait for the brawl and Owens is knocked to the floor with a big ladder shot to the face. Fans: “RUN OWENS RUN!” Balor climbs the ladder and says he’s retaining the title and shutting Owens’ mouth on Saturday.

Overall Rating: B. This is a good example of a show where the wrestling is the least important thing on the card. Tonight did an outstanding job of building the card for Saturday with Owens showing why he’s a master on the microphone by pointing out everyone’s hypocrisy and then losing the fight. I’m far more excited for Takeover than I am for Summerslam, which is the case with almost all of the NXT shows these days. Excellent go home show here that did everything it was supposed to do.

Results

Tyler Breeze b. ??? – Supermodel Kick

Hype Bros/Enzo Amore/Colin Cassady b. ???/???/???/??? – Rocket Launcher

Samoa Joe b. Steve Cutler – Koquina Clutch

Blake/Murphy b. Angelo Dawkins/Sawyer Fulton – Frog splash to Fulton

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B011T13PV4

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Finally, make sure to check out the Wrestling Bundle, which wraps up Sunday August 23 at midnight EST. Here are the details:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2015/08/16/the-wrestling-bundle/

Impact Wrestling – August 19, 2015: Give Me A Reason To Care

Tommy Hall

August 20, 2015

Date: August 19, 2015
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Josh Matthews, D’Angelo Dinero

We’re at war! Well, sort of. Last week the Global Force roster (well some of it at least) arrived to help out, with GFW boss Jeff Jarrett insisting that it was certainly not an invasion. It’s not clear where things go from here but they’re here for another night and Jarrett is in charge again. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of last week with PJ Black winning the King of the Mountain Title.

Tonight is Turning Point, despite it being a pretty standard show.

Here are the Jarretts to get things going. Jeff says everyone is buzzing about last week and Global Force has turned the wrestling world upside down. Uh, yeah that’s one way to put it Jeff. Tonight it’s time to make history though as PJ Black is challenging Ethan Carter III for the TNA World Title. This brings out Ethan, who says he isn’t fighting Black tonight.

Karen Jarrett tells Ethan who Jeff is and reminds him that Jeff still has ownership in this company. Maybe Ethan is upset because his aunt picked Jeff to be in charge instead of him. Then you had Bully Ray and Drew Galloway stand up and get attacked. Where was Ethan when that happened? Ethan goes to leave but Jeff threatens to call the board of directors and have him stripped of the title if he doesn’t defend tonight.

Drew Galloway wants to know what’s going on with the attacks on him and Bully Ray. He thinks it was Eli Drake, who he has in a No DQ match tonight.

Bram vs. Mr. Anderson

This is an Open Mic challenge, meaning the microphone is above the ring and can be used as a weapon. Anderson starts fast with some clotheslines and it’s already table time. Shouldn’t that be a DQ since it’s not the mic? The rules say nothing about tables. The Regal Roll through the table crushes Bram but knocks Anderson silly at the same time. Bram stops Anderson’s climb up the ladder (notice that this is the second ladder based match in a week) and plants him with the Brighter Side of Suffering.

It’s still not enough to let Bram get the mic so he throws in about ten chairs. Another Brighter Side of Suffering is countered and Anderson whips him into the ladder. Anderson takes too long going up though and gets powerbombed onto the chairs, allowing Bram to go get the mic. He takes too long talking trash though, allowing Anderson to Mic Check him onto the chairs. Some mic shots to the head knock Bram silly so Anderson can say he didn’t understand a word Bram just said. One last mic shot to the head is enough to pin Bram at 9:08.

Rating: D+. This was a great example of TNA’s storytelling issues in a nutshell. They’ve been feuding for a few weeks for reasons that aren’t entirely clear, and then they had a gimmick match where the object the match was built around played a tiny role in what happened. I don’t know why they were fighting, I have no reason to care about them fighting, and then Anderson beats the young star in the young star’s kind of match. What did this accomplish?

Jeff Jarrett blows Bobby Roode off.

Ethan doesn’t want to be stripped of the title.

Here’s the Revolution with something to say. Storm says they may not be blood, but their bond to each other makes them family. Some people have said that Storm was too hard on someone, so get out here now Khoya. Here’s Mahabali Sheera (formerly known as Khoya), who Storm admits he might have been too hard on. Storm says he was hard on Sheera to show him the way. Sheera came to this country knowing nothing so Storm took him under his wing and into his home.

That’s why Storm wants him back in the Revolution, but Khoya says his name is Mahabali Sheera and he is his own man who won’t be slapped around like trash. Who slaps trash? Like these people, he likes to have fun and to dance. Everyone here must like to dance, so Sheera goes to the floor and starts to dance as Storm looks like he’s about to explode. By dance I mean cross his arms and move his shoulders back and forth.

Sheera gets back in the ring and punches Storm, earning him a beatdown from Abyss. A chokeslam puts Sheera down and Manik gives him a reluctant frog splash, setting up the Last Call from Storm. So they broke Khoya out of the Revolution and now he’s a dancer. Why am I even slightly surprised by this?

PJ Black says he’s winning the title tonight. Eric Young comes in and says he’s taking what he wants from whoever he wants.

Jade/Marti Belle vs. Gail Kim

In a cage with pins, submissions or escape. Gail rolls around and forearms both girls to start before scoring with a double clothesline. Jade starts choking, which is totally legal because Florida laws are suspended if a cage match is in progress. They send Gail into the cage and it’s time for a break.

Back with Jade breaking up Gail’s armbreaker on Marti and the double teaming begins. It’s time to climb the cage and Gail is able to hurricanrana Marti down, only to get decked by Jade for two. Gail is sat on top but shoves both girls off, only to have Kim climb up and dive onto the Dollhouse. A DDT puts Jade and Marti down for two but Marti is up to stomp away. That’s fine with Gail who suplexes both of them down and Marti cross bodies Jade by mistake, setting up Eat Defeat to pin Marti at 9:46.

Rating: D. So in case you didn’t know it, Gail Kim is the greatest Knockout of all time and her name must be praised forever because she is THE GREATEST KNOCKOUT OF ALL TIME. That’s all this match was about: showcasing Gail, who has been around forever and stopped being interesting about seven years ago. There was no need for this to be in a cage either, making the mess of a match even worse.

Dixie tells Ethan that he’s either defending or he’s stripped. In other words, this segment changes nothing whatsoever and really didn’t need to be included.

Back from a break with Gail, who Josh describes as the greatest Knockout of all time, is looking for Taryn.

Matt Hardy promises to be in Ethan’s face no matter what. This earns him a match with Tyrus.

Eli Drake, with a leather X across his chest (think He-Man), says he’s going to prove that he’s better than Drew Galloway.

Drew Galloway vs. Eli Drake

No DQ. They fight to the floor early on with Drake getting in some chair shots to the ribs. We hit the chinlock on Drew for a bit before Eli throws him to the floor. Back in and Drew goes off with forearms in the corner until Drake kicks him low and nails a DDT onto the chair.

Drew kicks out again and it’s table time (to be fair it had been a whole hour since we saw one), only to have Drake baseball slide it into his face. Drake finds a crutch, because you have to use the same weapon that started a feud, and breaks it over Drew’s back, only to get caught trying to put Drew on the table. Instead, Drew gives him a White Noise through the table for the pin at 9:41.

Rating: C-. The match was fine but as usual, TNA starts something a few weeks ago and I have no real reason to care about yet another hardcore match. We just had something like this earlier tonight with a cage match in the middle. This isn’t even a hardcore themed show but this is how TNA does feuds: you have a match, then you have a gimmick match, then you keep having gimmick matches without much in between to make you care about why the people are fighting. They’re just fighting because they did before and the last match validates a rematch.

Taryn is running from Gail but finds Velvet Sky who won’t let her move. This was a ten second scene that came immediately after Drew got his pin and then it was off to a preview of what’s still to come. This is one of TNA’s biggest problems: they jump from thing to thing so fast that there isn’t time for any of them to sink in. There’s too much stuff going on every week and it makes it hard to care about anything.

Back from a break with Velvet backing Taryn up into Gail. Kim handcuffs her to a post and Velvet says the camera doesn’t need to see this.

Eric Young comes out and says he’s the best in the world and should be in the main event tonight. This brings out Chris Melendez to protest. Good grief why is this still going? Melendez says he never quit, just like he didn’t in Baghdad. Young points out the obvious: he has nothing to gain from Melendez. Chris keeps badgering him and Eric keeps saying no in a scene straight out of Family Matters with Urkel and Carl. Finally Eric agrees if Melendez will put up his leg. The deal is made and Young’s piledriver is countered as Melendez stands tall. For now, until he loses because he sucks.

Dixie has a plan in case Ethan forfeits the title. Jeff wants to talk to her about something else but she wants to get through this first.

Matt Hardy vs. Tyrus

Tyrus slams Matt down and hits a quick Vader Bomb before throwing him outside. A few elbow drops crush Matt’s ribs and this is one sided so far. Back in and two Twists of Fate give Matt the pin at 2:16. Well that happened.

Ethan Carter comes out and hits Matt with the title before ordering Jeff Jarrett to send out his best for the title match.

TNA World Title: Ethan Carter III vs. PJ Black

Ethan is defending and I’ll only refer to him as the champion. Carter goes after Black in the corner and pounds him down before slapping on an early chinlock. Black fights up with some cross bodies in the corner, followed by a top rope cross body for two. It’s already time for the 450 but Carter pulls him down with a superplex for two.

Black kicks him in the face and gets two of his own off a top rope Lionsault. A rollup gets two for the champ and he lifts Black up into a powerbomb for two more. The 1%er is countered into a Blue Thunder Bomb for two and Black wins a slugout. He connects with the springboard 450 and Carter is up at two, pretty much ending Black’s chances of winning. Carter crotches him on the top and the 1%er retains the title at 8:15.

Rating: D+. Not bad but here’s the thing: what do we know about Black other than he’s a high flier, he used to be Justin Gabriel and his finishing move (which is now 0/1) is a 450 splash? Somehow that’s the GFW Champion for all intents and purposes and he just lost clean after hitting his finisher. Boring match too as they had to fly through everything.

Why did they have to fly through everything? For more Dixie of course! Jeff wants to keep the momentum going after two weeks of him being in charge working. Therefore, he wants to be the full time boss. Ever the dumbest person in the history of wrestling (even Sting had to explain things to her), Dixie feels good about it but asks for a week to think about it.

An ad for next week ends the show and they’re off the air at 10:59.

Overall Rating: D. There was not a single thing on this show that I cared about. It was two hours of mostly bad wrestling with stories that are barely explained or are just continuing because the guys have nothing else to do. This is the best they can do for a special episode?

What is supposed to make me want to keep watching? To find out who attacked Bully Ray and Galloway? Well Drew said it was Drake and then beat him, so that story is wrapped up for now. Uh…maybe to find out what else Jeff wanted to talk about? Seriously what else is there? This company is really boring right now and that’s a lot worse than being bad.

Results

Mr. Anderson b. Bram – Mic to the head

Gail Kim b. Jade/Marti Belle – Eat Defeat to Belle

Drew Galloway b. Eli Drake – White Noise through a table

Matt Hardy b. Tyrus – Twist of Fate

Ethan Carter III b. PJ Black – 1%er

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B011T13PV4

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Finally, make sure to check out the Wrestling Bundle, which wraps up Sunday August 23 at midnight EST. Here are the details:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2015/08/16/the-wrestling-bundle/

The Fosters Review: “Lucky”

Alyssa Berkowitz

August 20, 2015

The Fosters
Season 3, Episode 10: “Lucky”
Air Date: August 17, 2015

On The Fosters summer finale: Callie gets adopted, Lena has the sex talk with Jude, and Jesus returns with a new face.

“Lucky” starts off in the same icky way that last week left off, with Callie and Brandon in bed together. Watching the two cuddle in post-coital bliss actually caused a little bit of bile to come up my throat. Last week was not a dream, these two really had sex. Brandon starts to stir and tells Callie that he needs to get back to his own room before Mariana, their sister, catches them in bed together and is traumatized for life.

Brandon and Callie head home with a blissfully ignorant Mariana and are greeted by everyone in the kitchen screaming “Surprise Callie, YOU CAN BE ADOPTED!” Apparently after interrogating the Girls United crew, the social worker found no more evidence that B and Callie were still together, so she is recommending Callie for adoption. This is amazing news, finally something good is happening to Callie. Callie officially has a family, and an older brother who she just had sex with. The fact that Brandon did not stop every and yell out “What about me! Does no one care about how I feel?!” shows how much Brandon has grown over the last two episodes.

Callie is excited, scared, surprised and confused all at the same time. She doesn’t understand how her adoption is still on the table since she admitted to Rita that Brandon broke his restraining order. Rita sits Callie down though and explains that she is giving her a second chance, and Callie should take it.

Immediately after discussing making smart decisions with Rita, Callie runs up to Brandon’s room. They both admit that if they knew the adoption was still a possibility, they would have never slept together. I mean, yeah I would hope so! I think Daphne sums it up best:

Daphne: “You slept with him? Girl, what’s wrong with you?”

Callie literally can’t leave well enough alone, and later that night Brandon in his bed to tell him she loves him. The two try to excuse their actions by telling each other they didn’t technically break any rules and didn’t do “anything wrong,” but come to the conclusion that they can never tell anyone about their late night cabin rump. Except for Daphne, because she already knows.

Of course the best storyline of the episode belongs to Jude and Connor. Connor’s dad drops Jude off at home and tells Lena that he walked in on a shirtless Jude and Connor making out. I am so happy that the writers are making this couple sexually charged. It would be so easy to make them an asexual gay couple and attribute it to them being ‘young’, but the writers don’t. They have Jude and Connor act like normal teenage boys, with normal teenage hormones, who get normal teenage caught by a parent while making out .

This leads to one of my favorite moments ever on The Fosters, which involves a lesbian mom trying to have a sex talk with her gay son. Lena starts by saying how emotions are an important part of sex and that having both an intimate and physical connection matters. The talk ends with this unforgettable line:

Lena: “Okay, look, if I’m being honest, I don’t know a whole lot about the logistics of two men being together. But I definitely want you to know how to take care of yourself.”

This may be one of my favorite lines in history from a lesbian TV character. Next Lena pulls a condom out of her back pocket (which she obviously had to scour Brandon’s room to find) and basically says “So this is a thing that guys put on their thing down there when having sex. I am hoping you know how it works, because I 100% do not. If you have any questions either ask your older brother who is banging your sister, or your other older brother who forgot to use one of these his first time and then had to buy his girlfriend the morning after pill. Get it? Got it? Good”

Jude tells Connor all about his mom’s “sex talk” experience and says, verbatim, “for a lesbian she sure knows a lot about how guys have sex.” Jude, Lena legit said she did not know a thing about how two guys have sex, pulled out a condom and said you should probably use it. She knows absolutely nothing. The extent of her knowledge is that a condom should be used, which anyone who took 9th grade sex-ed should know (except if you live in the bible belt). Connor is impressed with how chill Jude’s moms are with the two of them making out and tells Jude that he wants to move to LA to live with his mother, because his dad is still not okay with Connor being gay. Jude is angry and upset, but realizes that no matter what he feels, the most important thing is that Connor lives in a house with a parent who accepts him. If anyone can make a long distance relationship work, I think it is these two (I also google mapped it, LA is only a 2 hour drive or a 3 hour train ride from San Diego. It’s not ideal but it could be worse, right?).

While Lena and Stef are elated that Callie’s adoption is back on, they also have their own shit to deal with. Lena keeps trying to discuss the huge ass elephant named Montee that is sitting in the middle of the room, but Stef brushes her off claiming that they need to keep prepping for the anniversary party they are throwing for Lena’s parents (meaning the lovely Lorraine Toussaint made an appearance). As if things couldn’t get worse for Stef, she gets a call from her doctor saying there was an abnormality on her latest mammo, and she needs to come in for a second diagnostic mammography.

The next day at summer school Montee tells Lena that she is in love with her to which Lena flatly responds “And I am in love with my wife.” Before Lena can rip Montee a new one, her douchebag brother (the one that called Lena’s mom the N word) pops his head into Lena’s office to apologize for being douchebag, dumbass, racist brother for all these years. Lena’ ingests her brother’s words, and tries to identify how she can apply them to her marriage. When Lena gets home she tries to continue her honesty streak, by telling Stef about Montee’s love confession. The conversation quickly turns into an argument, with Stef twisting everything Lena says. Stef snaps and asks how Montee just falls in love with Lena out of the blue

Stef: “Does it just happen? Is this something she caught, like a virus or a cold? Is it contagious?”

I think the writers of The Fosters are reading my mind, because I basically asked that same exact thing last week. Lena admits to liking the attention Montee gave her, which causes Stef to break down, screaming that she is sorry that she can’t always put Lena first when their family is falling apart, two of their kids are fucking and they are hosting a party in their backyard.

The next day at the party, Stef runs into the garage to take a call from her radiologists, and Lena follows. Stef tells her wife about her breast cancer scare, but that there is nothing to worry about, her scans came back clean. They hug and cry, and finally are in a place where they can talk openly and honestly with each other, and be receptive to each other’s feelings. I am so excited to watch these two have a heartfelt conversation without bickering, but instead, the show cuts to Mariana singing a birthday present to her grandparents. She actually has a really good voice, but let’s be honest, I would have rather watched Stef and Lena make up and process their feelings. The moms conversation seems to have went well because the next time they are on-screen, the two are slow dancing and reminiscing about their wedding.

The day has finally come (again) for Callie’s adoption hearing, and hopefully this one will be her last. When the Adams-Foster gang gets to the courthouse, Callie’s social worker has some bad news. She found out that Brandon and Callie had sex in the cabin and the adoption is off. Just kidding. What really happened was that the judge saw the video where Callie calls the judge out by name for being an asshole, and he is not very happy. Callie refuses to apologize for her video though, stating that she needs to be the voice for kids who cannot speak for themselves. She tells Lena and Stef that while it will be heartbreaking, she can live without being adopted, but cannot live with herself if she took back her comments about the foster system. When Callie walks into the courtroom, it is filled with foster kids who came to support Callie after seeing her video. The judge turns out not to be a complete asshole. He commends Callie on speaking out against the system, asks her one more time to confirm she is not boning her brother, and then grants Callie’s adoption. Callie is officially and legally a member of the Adams-Foster family. I never thought the day would come when the writers of the show would actually allow something good to happen to Callie.

The whole family comes home from the courthouse to find new face-transplanted Jesus (Noah Centineo) waiting for them in the kitchen. New Jesus really has a lot of old Jesus’s down, and seems like a better actor so I am down with this change.

Hooray, the Adams-Foster family is finally whole again!

‘Playing House’ review: “Knotty Pine” gives us a marital swan song

Matt Perri

August 19, 2015

PLAYING HOUSE
Season 2, Episode 4: “Knotty Pine”
RATING: B-

“Oh my god, I feel terrible…do you think they’re OK?”
“Mark and Bird Bones, they’re never ‘OK’!”

We are halfway through the second season of USA’s Playing House and, while the show’s been as comfy and familiar as your favorite t-shirt, there hasn’t been much in the way of a major overall plot or character development. The good news is that “Knotty Pines” finally gives us something to chew on. The bad news is that the lack of prior emotional investment makes the final twist somewhat moot.

After seemingly making peace with Mark and “Bird Bones” in “Hello, Old Friend”, Emma and Maggie elect to start hanging out with Tina again on a regular basis — they just want Tina on “their level” if that’s gonna happen. After Tina tries on a little red dress that’s beyond her comfort zone (and buys it after some positive encouragement from the ladies), Tina pushes their boundaries by signing them up for an “all-women’s woodworking class”. As is the norm, Emma’s not enthralled and doesn’t want to be there, but Maggie accepts right away as part of their unspoken “good girlfriends” scheme.

The episode goes for broke when we meet Buck Finch, the wood shop’s owner and master carpenter, played by Rob Riggle. As Finch, Riggle channels Channing Tatum a’la Magic Mike XXL, introducing himself to his students by grinding a steel beam into a buzzsaw to Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train”. Why would he need a steel beam if it’s a woodworking class? That’s part of the joke, of course. Finch uses his class and his “charm” to seduce married women who aren’t getting the attention they need at home. He makes suggestive comments about wood, enticing his students to “feel it” and “get to know it” and says that after some work, it can be as “smooth as the inside of a woman’s thigh. While Riggle’s a perfect fit for the world that Parham and St. Clair have created, Riggle’s smug machismo is doled out in heaping comedic spoonfuls, but the character is so over-the-top, it’s a bit hard to believe that anyone could be taken in by his antics. The woodworking innuendos are a bit much as well and smacks of lazy writing.

While Emma and Maggie play along with his meathead act for shits and giggles, Tina’s the perfect target for Finch and he goes all in, complementing her on how well she’s sanding her hole, if you’ll excuse the wood shop parlance. He even invites her into his shop early for a more intimate “lesson”. As it turns out, Finch’s talents are not limited to woodworking and carpentry — he’s also a local DJ who spins at the local bar. When he invites every woman in his shop to one of his gigs, most of them raise their hands — and that’s the last straw for Maggie. She doesn’t want to see Tina get hurt. Emma couldn’t care less, having been burned before by involving herself in “Mark and Tina drama”. When Maggie fails to adequately explain their concerns to Tina, however, Emma does get involved. But even her attempts find Tina unwilling to accept the truth.

Reluctantly, Emma goes to Mark who wants nothing to do with Tina’s outside friendships and activities. She begs him to meet his wife halfway by coming to the bar. “She does her thing and I do mine,” he explains to Emma, who gawks over his awesome model train hobby set. It’s ironic that Tina and Mark have such a disconnect: Mark built Emma’s birdhouse for the shop class. Did he do the same for Tina? Wouldn’t something like that bring them together? Things ultimately come to a head when Finch dances with Tina at the bar and then kisses her — right as Mark does show up, much to the surprise of Emma who didn’t think he’d listen to her pleading. The scene that follows this outside the bar is heartfelt: in the past, we’ve seen Mark lose his cool and shout out what he’s feeling. Here, he’s still very animated, but exhausted. Tina explains that Mark doesn’t pay attention to her. Mark says that’s all he’s done since the fallout with Emma and Maggie and that he feels like he’s pretending everything’s fine in order to suit her. The ladies do their best to console Mark after he and Tina go their separate ways and the episode comes to its logical end.

“Knotty Pine” is a mixed bag. It’s mostly dominated by a really forced plot device involving Riggle’s smarmy carpenter/DJ and there’s not really much to his character beyond being a sudden and unlikely wedge that’s sort of shoehorned in to suddenly drive Mark and Tina apart. Everyone seems desperate. Finch is desperate to get some tail, Emma’s desperate by begging Mark to come see his wife at the bar, Maggie’s desperate to help Tina have a life. It all feels like somebody drew a bad football play in the dirt and everyone involved knows it isn’t going to work and, so, they’re going through the motions. We knew the break was coming eventually, but everything is so quick that I didn’t really believe that Finch was truly interested in Tina or vice versa. The humor also comes off as repetitive. I love the little catchphrases on the show, but I can only hear Maggie and Emma say, “body be bangin'” so many times before I start rolling my eyes. Their pairing and interactions are as natural as can be — as I’ve noted in the past — but there are some episodes (and I’m including this one) where their back-and-forth seems like they’re padding the running time because the weaker parts of the stories aren’t terribly intriguing.

To its credit, the break-up scene was done well. Parham and St. Clair have done well in not making Tina look like a complete nutcase. She’s human even with all her eccentricities and your heart breaks when we get this exchange between her and Mark:

Mark: “What are we doing, Tin’? It’s…it’s just so much work. I mean, aren’t you tired?”
Tina: “I’m…exhausted…but…I just…I didn’t want to stop trying…”

Anyone who’s ever been in a failed relationship can sympathize with TIna’s answer to that question. Everyone’s afraid of failure and they’d rather go down with the ship than leave in a lifeboat when it comes to that sort of thing. This may be the most down-to-earth we’ve seen Tina — and it’s followed up by a slightly more treacly scene involving Emma and Maggie. It’s nice to see the three of them interact after Mark’s relationship fracture, but the scene isn’t entirely necessary and feels like leftovers from a bad made-for-TV movie from The Hallmark Channel. It’s still a funny episode — especially the bits concerning Maggie and the “UPS Driver” who she gossips with. He’s played by Jack McBrayer of 30 Rock and that small storyline (running parallel with the “inappropriate relationship” theme) really outshines the whole Finch/Tina angle.

All in all, I still enjoyed this episode. A so-so showing of Playing House is better than most anything you’ll see on television these days.

Monday Night RAW Recap: Cena and Rollins sign their SummerSlam contract

Matt Perri

August 19, 2015

We’re just six days from SummerSlam with a nice summer card beginning to fill out. John Cena’s returning tonight and Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker are both going to be at the arena. The celebrity feud with Stephen Amell is actually a nice little feud, showcasing Neville, Barrett and Stardust who are all major names in search of angles. Perhaps this will send them into the major spotlight.

Let’s go…

We are LIVE(!!!) from Minneapolis, Minnesota for Monday Night RAW!!!

JBL, Cole and Saxton are the guys at the desk.

We start with Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. Steph welcomes everyone to RAW and says that they’re only six days away from SummerSlam — so tonight will be huge. Triple H says that it’s four hours long. Careers will be defined and scores will be settled. Triple H over the SummerSlam card while Demi Lovato’s “Cool For the Summer” loudly plays in the background. It’s amusingly ironic watching him try to plug a huge, manly Title Match while we’re hearing a song about a girl who wants to have sex with other girls.

AT SUMMERSLAM:

The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar
John Cena vs. Seth Rollins
Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt & Luke Harper
All three Divas teams in a “3-Team Divas Elimination Match”

TONIGHT:

Cena/Rollins contract signing
Luke Harper vs. Roman Reigns
Nikke Bella vs. Sasha Banks

Jon Stewart will host SummerSlam!!!

Out comes Randy Orton for a match.

MATCH #1: Randy Orton & Cesaro vs. Kevin Owens & Sheamus
Cesaro and Owens starts but Owens chickesn out and tags Sheamus and, already, we’re seeing the chicken-shit ending forming. Sheamus looks irritated. Cesaro tags in Orton. Sheamus chickens out and leaves the ring. We’re a minute in and nobody has done anything. Finally, Sheamus hits Orton with a shoulderblock. Orton comes back with his own. Sheamus exits the ring again. The crowd gets on him for the mohawk. Finally, Sheamus tags in Owens. Orton fights off Owens and tags Cesaro who hits a six-second delayed suplex. Owen fights back but Cesaro hits a Springboard Uppercut. Owens exits the ring.> When we come back Sheamus hits a Rolling Senton on Orton. Owens tags in with a Reverse Senton and gets two. Mudhole stomp by Owens and some punches. Owens tags Sheamus after putting him in the heel corner. Sheamus stomps at him, then chokes him against the ropes. Sheamus hits a Kneelift and lariat and gets a two count. Tag to Owens who locks Orton in a side headlock. Finally, Owens tosses Orton outside the ring. He tries to follow up but Orton side suplexes him into the barricade. Orton crawls into the ring. Owens follows and it’s hot tags on both sides with Cesaro hitting uppercuts on Sheamus. He knocks Sheamus down and hits a cross body for two. Cesaro goes for the Swing but Sheamus gets to the bottom rope. Sheamus comes back with a Spinning Powerslam, then goes top rope but Cesaro hits a badly-timed uppercut for two. Cesaro goes for a Neutralizer but Sheamus breaks out. Cesaro kicks Sheamus on a run, then tags in Orton. Sheamus doesn’t realize it, so it’s Vintage Orton on Sheamus. He sets up for the RKO but Owens runs into the ring. Orton tries an RKO on him but Owens breaks. Sheamus gets up and he eats the RKO. Orton wins it for the team as Cesaro pulls Owens out of the ring. Mark it around 13:00.
WINNERS: Orton and Cesaro
RATING: **. A little messy, especially toward the end. Crowd was way into it, though. Orton and Cesaro really do work well together.

Cole recaps The Undertaker and Lesnar’s feud since Battleground and Cole still acts like we haven’t seen him since WrestleMania XXX.

We get an Undertaker promo where Undertaker says he has no remorse. The Gates of Hell are opening and Lesnar’s name is being called. At SummerSlam, Lesnar will never rest in peace. The Undertaker looks ancient. I wish he’d retire.

LAST MONTH: Rollins broke John Cena’s nose.

Rollins is backstage with Triple H and Steph. He says that Cena hasn’t looked him in the eye. Kinda hard when…y’know, he’s not around. He says that Cena will finally sign the contract. He says that after he beats Cena at SummerSlam, he feels like he should get a Legends statue at WWE Headquarters. Steph and Triple H agree. Rollins says he won’t let them down.

Dean Ambrose is at ringside for commentary for the Reigns match.

MATCH #2: Roman Reigns (w/ Dean Ambrose) vs. Luke Harper (w/ Bray Wyatt)
Ambrose grabs a chair and rolls it over to Bray, then threatens him if he moves. In the ring, Reigns hits some quick shots to the jaw. Harper comes back with shots of his own, then rams Reigns’ head into the corner. Harper hits a side headlock. Reigns fights back and misses a clothesline but manages to send Harper outside. He follows and hits the Sitting Dropkick. Bray doesn’t look pleased. After a break, Harper has Reigns in a side headlock. Reigns breaks but ends up in a Michinoku Driver for two. Another headlock by Harper. Reigns suplexes out of it but Harper kicks Reigns in the face on a run. And it’s another headlock by Harper, followed by the dumb Gator Roll which I had hoped had vanished permanently, but there it is. Reigns breaks free again and hits clotheslines. Harper hits an elbow and kneelift but Reigns hits a lazy looking Samoan Drop. He hits some shots in the corner and sends Harper out of the ring. Reigns clotheslines him. Back in the ring, Harper hits a kick to the gut but Reigns hits an uppercut. A series of counters and Reigns hits a Sunset Flip for two. Some running around and Reigns hits a huge clothesline. Reigns goes for a Samoan Drop but just stands there like a moron and lets Harper elbow him in the face. Reigns sets up the Superman Punch but Harper leaves the ring. Reigns follows and gets Superkicked in the face. Harper gets back in the ring and tries to run at Reigns but it’s a Superman Punch on the rush. Reigns gets in the ring but Harper hits the Spinebuster and gets two. Harper goes for a Powerbomb and hits it after some counters. Harper goes for the Discus Clothesline but Reigns nails him with the Superman Punch and Spear and we’re done at around 15:00.
WINNER: Roman Reigns via Spear
RATING: **1/4. Not bad. Got better toward the end but the match was far too long with way too many headlock spots. Also, there’s no velocity. Bray just sat there, doing nothing. I’m not looking for a dirty finish but he didn’t even need to be there.

Post-match, Wyatt comforts Harper. Lights go down and it’s Follow the Buzzards anyhow.

MATCH #3: Tamina (w/ Sasha Banks & Naomi) vs. Becky Lynch (w/ Paige & Charlotte)
Tamina shoves Becky backward, so we’re already about a third of the way through her repertoire. Headbutts by Tamina.and a failed Samoan Drop. Tamina misses about three lariats but finally catches Becky and hits a Spinebuster. Body slam and Chinlock while Cole and JBL sit there and tell us that “The Bellas created the original Divas Revolution.” Riiiiiiiight. Becky breaks and Tamina kicks her in the corner. She whips Becky in the other corner but Becky fights out of it. Tamina misses a splash. Becky goes top rope and hits a really weak Missile Dropkick, then the Disarm-Her for the win around 4:00.
WINNER: Becky Lynch via Disarm-Her
RATING: *. None of this means anything. Tamina is still terrible and shouldn’t even be here and Lynch is the least interesting of the new Divas. This will continue as long as the McMahons continue to be petty with this “AJ Lee Divas Title Record” bullshit.

LAST MONDAY ON RAW: Summer hit the Accolade on Lana.

And wouldn’t you know it? Lana’s on commentary with Rusev and Summer in the ring.

MATCH #4: Rusev (w/ Summer Rae) vs. Mark Henry
Again, huh? Ok. Henry beats on Rusev inside, then outside the ring. He rolls Rusev back in and hits a standing Powerslam for two. Then he repeats it for another two. Rusev goes outside again. Henry follows. Rusev throws him into the steel post. Back in the ring, it’s a Superkick as Lana offers us such insight as, “Well…he’s…he’s screaming like the Bulgarian Brute he is…” Rusev struggles to get the Accolade on Henry which barely happens because Henry’s just a giant pile of beef in tights. Rusev wins anyhow at around 2:43.
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
RATING: DUD.

Post-match, Rusev and Summer go to leave. Lana climbs into the ring and starts screaming at Summer, who looks incredulous. She comes back to the ring nonetheless and Lana slaps the holy shit out of her. Lana points to Rusev and tells him to get into the ring. Rusev obliges. The crowd chants for Dolph Ziggler who completely misses his cue, complete with Lana breaking kayfabe and wincing because Ziggler hadn’t arrived yet. Dolph shows up and beats up on Rusev who grabs Summer and uses her as a human shield. Lana leaps up and kicks Summer in the head, which looked impressive. Rusev attacks Ziggler but Ziggler hits a Superkick. So, this is nice.

STILL TO COME: Cena/Rollins Contract Signing

MOMENTS AGO: People care about Rusev/Ziggler, so let’s show that happening again.

JoJo catches Ziggler and Lana backstage. Ziggler says that he enjoyed the reaction he got. He thinks there should be one more match at SummerSlam: Ziggler vs. Rusev. He’ll send “that caveman back to the stone age”.

Cole gives us the video recap of Taker/Lesnar.

Big Show is at ringside doing commentary for the next match.

The Miz comes to the ring with a mic. Miz says that Big Show isn’t an actor. He says that all Show does is block lighting and shut down catering. He says that Ryback and Show will cancel each other out. He removes his sunglasses.

MATCH #5: WWE Intercontinental Champion Ryback vs. The Miz (non-title)
Ryback knocks Miz down and stomps at him. Miz counters as the two fight over leverage. Finally, Miz knocks Ryback down and stomps at him. Ryback comes back with a Powerslam and Press Slam. Meathook, Shell Shock, done at 2:12 as Show calls Miz a “gender-confused Jedi”.
WINNER: Ryback via Shell Shock
RATING: DUD.

Post-match, Ryback calls Show into the ring. Show leaves instead.

NEXT: Cena/Rollins contract signing.

Steph and Triple H are in the ring. Triple H calls out Seth Rollins. Rollins thanks them for the warm intro and says that he’d like to congratulate Steph and Triple H for putting together the greatest SummerSlam of all-time. But, most of all, he’d like to congratulate everyone here tonight. He says they’ll all be a part of history. They don’t know, when they go to a ball game, that they’re gonna see a no-hitter — unless their team is playing the Twins. This draws a ridiculous amount of heat despite the fact that I know Twins fans who would admit that the Twins suck. He signs the contract. He says that Bob Dylan, who is from Minnesota, once said, “The Times, They Are A-Changin'”. For the longest time, Cena’s been at the top of the mountain, making sure nobody has gotten where he is. Rollins says that Cena’s the bad guy. He’s been holding WWE hostage. The crowd adores this, then chants “YES”, which makes so much sense. He goes on to call Cena a “disease” and proclaims himself “the cure”. At SummerSlam, he will crush Cena’s legacy like he crushed Cena’s face. He says that Cena answered Rollins’ challenge on Tough Enough — not to his face. He even calls Daniel Bryan a “cripple” before Cena FINALLY shows up.

Cena says he isn’t in the mood to “have a seat”. Cena says that Rollina is presumptuous: everyone, love or hate him, is only chanting about Cena, not Rollins. He says that Rollins is the champ — but he’s a “cheap imitation” of John Cena. He says that Rollins was hand-picked by Triple H to be the champ. He calls Triple H all of Triple H’s nicknames. He says that the real champ is here. He says he may need to break the knee that Rollins used to break his nose. He thought about that when he was sitting at home, healing. What he’s doing Sunday will haunt Rollins and the Authority. He’s a 15-time World Heavyweight Champion. He will be that for the 16th time. When Rollins loses, Rollins loses. He says that Ric Flair bestowed the future onto Triple H. Rollins must fight for that legacy…except that Triple H was never Flair’s bitch, then he says, “This Sunday, I’m gonna make you mine.” He signs the contract, drops the mic and leaves.

STILL TO COME: Sasha Banks vs. Nikki Bella

ALSO: Lesnar will be on ESPN SportsCenter tomorrow.

ALSO ALSO: Brock Lesnar’s Homecoming

MATCH #6: The Lucha Dragons (Kalisto & Sin Cara) & WWE Tag Team Champions The Prime Time Players (Titus O’Neil & Darren Young) vs. Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito) & The New Day (Big E & Kofi Kingston) (w/ Xavier Woods)
So, just to be clear: the tag team that for, five minutes, were the “#1 Contenders for the Tag Team Titles” are now partnering with The New Day. I’m not sure which is more lost, the tag division or the Divas Division. Anyhow, it’s a New Day/Matadores mudhole stomp. One of the Matadors drops a knee on Sin Cara who comes back with a Samoan Drop. Tag to Titus who takes out the entire heel corner like Juggernaut in X-Men, then does away with both Matadores. Diego or Fernando (I don’t care at this point) hits a backstabber on Titus on an Xavier distraction. El Torito attacks Woods and Kalisto hits a Frankensteiner for the win. Sigh…
WINNERS: Dragons/PTP
RATING: DUD. Just…nope.

We get a ton of build-up to the Amell/Neville match at SummerSlam. This tickles my sister-in-law so and, at the same time, brings me back to my childhood. I can’t help but like it.

We get Stardust and King Barrett backstage. The shit-talk — until Stardust bestows Cosmic Armor upon Barrett. So weirdly ridiculous and goofy.

MATCH #7: WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella & Alicia Fox) vs. Sasha Banks (w/ Naomi & Tamina) (non-title)
Nikki and Banks shove one another. Nikki shoves Banks real hard, then does jumping jacks which are about as half-assed as her wrestling. Sasha gets some licks in but Nikki hits a quick kneelift, which Cole calls “a clinic” for some reason. Surfboard by Nikki and then a chinlock. Banks breaks but Nikki hits a suplex for two. The Team Formerly Known As the Porn Submission Experts or whatever watches from the back. The two fight into the corner. Sasha hits a forearm and stomps Nikki’s chest. She does push-ups to mock Nikki. When we come back, Banks has Nikki in a dual armlock. Nikki breaks and the fight goes to the corner. Nikki gains the upperhand and completely botches an Enzuguri, whiffing big-time by 2 feet. JBL: “Whoa! Sasha blocked that kick!” Wow. Nikki hits an Alabama Slamma Miggal and it’s a two count. Banks comes back with a Zigg Zagg and gets two. The crowd gets so bored, they all start chanting for Lesnar. Nikki hits a clothesline and goes for the Rack Attack but Naomi hops on the mat for the distraction finish and, right now, that’s just fine with me. Banks hits a Backstabber and then the Banks Statement for the win at 10:33.
WINNER: Sasha Banks via Banks Statement
RATING: DUD. Nope. A terrible match. Neither girl seemed into it. Nikki phoned it in and this was just a disaster. STOP BREAKING AJ’S RECORD AND DO SOMETHING WITH THE DAMN DIVAS.

More ”Taker/Lesnar build-up.

NEXT: Lesnar’s here.

Paul Heyman is in the ring. He sings Brock’s praises and brings him to the ring. Lesnar looks touched and acknowledges a crowd that absolutely adores him. Paul Heyman gets on his knees and does a parody of “Glory, Glory, Hallelujah” which is just as awesome as it sounds — until The Undertaker’s bells chime. The lights come back on but he’s nowhere to be seen. Lesnar and Heyman laugh. Heyman calls ‘Taker “Obi-Wan” and says that all he knows are “Jedi Mind Tricks”. He says that Lesnar will take The Undertaker to Suplex City. He recaps The Undertaker hitting a low blow on Lesnar at Battleground. He says that ‘Taker has never beaten Lesnar. After SummerSlam, he will say the same thing. He says The Undertaker is facing The Beast. The Beast put the “1” in “22-1”. He says that Lesnar doesn’t recognize any of The Undertaker’s legacy. Bells toll again. Arena goes dark.

This time, ‘Taker’s in the ring. He kicks Lesnar in the balls, then hits a Chokeslam and Tombstone as the crowd boos him senseless. ‘Taker turns and looks at Heyman, then celebrates his ass-kicking. He walks off as Lesnar lies in the middle of the ring.

We go off the air with ‘Taker raising his fist in the air.

OVERALL: The show was decent for a going home but felt rushed in the third hour. The SummerSlam card, however, is beautifully built and has all the hallmarks of being one of the best PPV’s in recent memory.

Er…that’s it.

WWE Tough Enough: “Friend or Foe?”

Matt Perri

August 18, 2015

Last week, GiGi was eliminated leaving Amanda the only unlikable character on the show.. This is the penultimate episode of Tough Enough…let’s see how it goes this week…

FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY

Arena
Renee Young and Chris Jericho are our hosts for Tough Enough. We have to push the final two MALE competitors for next week, so the women are safe this week. I don’t think WWE Creative thought this through. Paige says that the gentlemen need to put it on the line while Miz wonders which guy will “follow in his footsteps”.

WWE PERFORMANCE CENTER

Barracks
Amanda somehow believes she’s “planting doubt in Sara’s head” by telling her that “everyone loves her, so she should be guilty”. All Sara can do is stare as blankly as I am right now.

Sara says that Amanda was gonna go home if it wasn’t for Miz. Amanda still somehow thinks that’s been better than the amount of times she’s been in the bottom three.

Tanner’s tired of ZZ and how lazy he is. He says that ZZ loses every single challenge EVER. ZZ denies it and says he’s still here, “so don’t broke what ain’t fixed”. Oh, ZZ, you’re so stupid and don’t belong here.

Outside
Booker and Lita tell the recruits that they’re gonna work together to build the NXT ring for the next show at Full Sail Arena. Hope WWE’s insured. Road Dogg mocks ZZ, telling him that he’s only good at “laying down tape”. Ouch. Everyone builds and everyone’s great, so…YAY! Thumbs up!

Lita and Dogg says that wrestlers are characters so they’re all going to develop finishers that go with their characters. Sara comes into the ring and the judges verbally smoke her. Lita tells her that it’s time to bring it. She hasn’t thought of any finishing moves. Lita sets her up with the Cross Armbar. She gets it down after a dozen tries. Tanner gets in the ring and Lita’s not sure just how much progress Tanner can make in the “short time they have with him”, which doesn’t fare well. Tanner wants a Cross Body off the top rope but nobody can see his angry face. Booker wants tears. Tanner can’t do it. Dogg just tells him to yell really loud before he jumps and that’s actually pretty funny stuff. Lita: “You’re gonna be in the bottom three…all the dudes are.” Jesus…they can’t even make their threats sound threatening.

Booker warns Josh about being in the Bottom 3 as well. Josh wants a Powerbomb and calls it the “Abominable Powerbomb”. Dogg squashes all his creativity and gives him a running powerslam instead. Booker wants the corner splash set-up move to be insanely threatening. Josh is all in with it. Amanda wants something really flashy for her move. Lita loves her but Booker says that Sara has the WWE Universe behind her. Sarah has a Bulldog off the buckle. Dogg says that he can make a gator hunter insanely cool — but ZZ just thinks about it and doesn’t believe it. ZZ says that he has a move in his head called “The Gator Grip” which is really weak-looking Camel Clutch that can be easily broken if logic were applied. The set-up move is a Flap Jack falling face-slam.

FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY

Arena
The judges are impressed by everyone’s finishers. Paige especially likes ZZ — but trashes Sara. Again. Renee asks what Bryan would do if he was put in the Gator Grip. Bryan: “I’d probably die.” That gets some laughs.

WWE PERFORMANCE CENTER

Barracks
The recruits are all trying to figure out what to name their finishers. ZZ claims that he “is what this business is”. Nobody buys it. Everyone kinda mocks Tanner for his angry face.

ZZ retreats to the bedroom. He wants to make a speech to appeal to the WWE Universe. Amanda is suddenly genuine and says she hopes that people will see that she’s a Diva. ZZ tells her that he’s proud of her and she sees it.

Tanner and Josh get weird while cutting fat off of chicken, talking about breasts and thighs while giggling. Tanner’s aggravated that ZZ doesn’t do anything and gets twice the votes as everyone else. He doesn’t want to go back to “real life”.

FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY

Arena
Jericho wants the judges to quiz that recruits to see how quickly they think on their feet.

ZZ: Daniel Bryan wants to know if it’s true that ZZ graduated with a minor in psych. ZZ nods. He wants to know if he’s manipulating viewers of the show. No, of course not, ZZ says. Gee, don’t hard-ball him or anything. Paige wants to know what he’ll do if he makes it. ZZ says he will give it back to his fans. Bryan asks why ZZ would claim that the trainers told him that he was “the full package”. ZZ waffles a lot.
Sara: Sara says that Booker hates her because she smiles. Paige doesn’t buy it and loads up her questions, then says that Sara complains. They make fun of her nosering. She doesn’t care.
Tanner: He’s not gonna change how he does thing but he can find out how to get angry in-ring. Miz loads up the “lack of charisma” question. Tanner shrugs it off. They want to know how his brothers bullied him. Yawn.
Amanda: She tells a story about why her brothers beat up her first boyfriend. Sigh…Amanda says that she can beat Sara because everyone can see that she isn’t improving like she claims.
Josh: Josh talks up his daughter and says that she’s very important to him. He says that he would never let ZZ babysit his kid.

The boys are in the Bottom Three.

PLEAS:

ZZ: He doesn’t try to trick people. He speaks from his heart. He loves being here and wants to make people happy.
Tanner: He’s not afraid of hard work. He can outwork anyone in this business.
Josh: He has a big lollipop in his hand and acts like it’s a sucker and goes on some weird rant about “bringing the sauce out”. He NEEDS this. His passion for the business has grown exponentially.

Chris Jericho asks Sara and Amanda who should go home. Both say Tanner.

Daniel Bryan doesn’t want to save anyone.

GOING HOME: Tanner

Interesting to note: Josh got the majority/plurality of votes this week over ZZ. Had Bryan saved Tanner, ZZ would have gone home. Tanner gets interested by Renee. Tanner says he pushed hard but it wasn’t enough. He picks Josh to win saying that he works hard and isn’t lazy.

The Tough Enough Final Four is Amanda, Sara, Josh and ZZ.

OVERALL: This show has gotten better as we get less competitors. And that’s great.

Er…that’s it.

James McAvoy and Daniel Radcliffe Have A Baby In New ‘Victor Frankenstein’ Trailer

Jen Stayrook

August 18, 2015

You know the story of Frankenstein, especially since in recent years it’s been making the rounds in TV and film, what with the likes of I, Frankenstein and Penny Dreadful. The film follows Dr. Frankenstein (the always enjoyable James McAvoy) and his not-so-hideous assistant Igor (Daniel Radcliffe) as they engage in science and necromancy with disastrous results. Victor Frankenstein, however, claims to put a different spin on the well-known Mary Shelley tale, but based on the released trailers there doesn’t seem to be anything too unique. Unless you count a hunchback-less Igor as different.

Victor Frankenstein has had its share of setbacks, originally slated to release late 2014, then early 2015, and now it is set for November 21st, 2015.

‘Mr. Robot’ Review: Secrets, Lies and Memories

Matt Perri

August 18, 2015

MR. ROBOT
Season 1, Episode 8: “eps1.7_wh1ter0se.m4v”
GRADE: A

“Sometimes, it’s hard to listen to an explanation…even when it’s from myself…especially when it’s from myself. It would be so much easier to only pay attention when I needed to…to just…arrive at the conclusion. Is that what you do?”
— Elliot

Since Shayla’s murder, there seems to be an unspoken rule that the writers of Mr. Robot must give us at least one “holy shit” moment a week. Obviously, it wasn’t enough to take her away from us, in the episode that followed, we also witnessed Tyrell murdering Sharon in a very unusual move, considering everything that FSociety has been up to — and will be up to. This week’s reveal changes the game considerably and answers some nagging questions we’ve all had about Mr. Robot himself.

Picture, if you will, a ballet class. Angela and Darlene are students there. Angela’s concerned for Elliot. Darlene attempts to reassure here. “He’s had a shitty month,” she says.”Or last 20 years…take your pick.” Angela replies. Darlene notes that she and Angela always mentally and emotionally pay for Elliot’s personal issues. Angela only has her commute to complain about. Darlene says, “The silver lining is that you get to see moi!” This unusual moment foreshadows everything. We should already know the answer. Darlene’s no longer confrontational. She’s not trying to manipulate Angela…and Angela smiles and giggles with her as they act like long-time girlfriends…

Something’s not right here.

Then comes the next hint: Elliot, staring at a painting of a farm. There’s a figure leaning over a fence, overlooking the valley beyond. He notes that he hurt Krista, his psych, by revealing everything to her. He’s sorry but figures it was necessary. “She’s like everyone else,” he says. “afraid to peek over their walls for fear of what they might see.” Then he goes about cataloging Krista’s life, filing it away in his disk binder (aptly named, “Speaking in Tongues” by The Talking Heads) and goes about his business.

And business is booming: FSociety’s big Evil Corp hack is back on. Robot managed to get the band back together and The Dark Army’s people dropped an incognito message for Darlene on the subway — White Rose is ready to meet. Elliot’s “Raspberry Pi” hack is still active and running. Even though he hasn’t been an active member of FSociety, Elliot’s been doing his part, updating the backdoor program planted in Steel Mountain’s temperature core. Darlene’s fearful. She’s stolen a gun from Cisco, the man she met last week in the park who helped set up a meet with White Rose. She wants Elliot to bring it with him, then hugs him HARD. Mr. Robot’s not having it. He tells Elliot that Darlene’s a distraction.

Then why is Robot meeting with the evil Tyrell Wellick? Yes, this happens, too. The pairing is unlikely — and that’s why it shocks us when Wellick proclaims himself to be a “partner” to Robot and his scheme to bring down Evil Corp. He even knows Robot’s “dirty little secret” and threatens to tell “interested parties” all about it, something Robot dismisses as petty. Everything they’re striving for will render that moot, he says. Nothing will matter.

This adds to Wellick’s growing insanity. Did I mention that he’s slowly losing his shit? If the murder of Sharon at his hands wasn’t enough to clue you in, he walks into an Evil Corp office that’s buzzing about it. You hear whispers, you see his eyes — still cold but trembling. He’s fearful, he’s paranoid — and you see him blow up when a colleague spills coffee all over him. What could be worse than that? How about Gideon waiting in his office, revealing that he’s set a trap for FSociety by setting up a decoy server? If they hack this “honeypot”, the jig is up and everyone — including Wellick — will be exposed. Suddenly, the walls are closing in — and if Wellick wasn’t feeling claustrophobic before, the cops are cavorting outside, ready to question him about the murder of Sharon. The camerawork on Wellick this entire episode is fittingly up close and personal. He’s flying apart at the seams. It’s clear that he does things for the sake of doing them. He’s out of control and his only compass is his pregnant wife who is also, ironically, just as insane as he is, only more guided and focused.

And that’s the thing that interests me about her. Joanna is the real go-getter. Yes, Tyrell is the one going to work, but she picks up the slack when Tyrell always fails — and she doesn’t give a damn, either, which makes her frighteningly dangerous. This woman is nearing giving birth and she practices BDSM, drinks wine at dinner parties, and encourages Tyler to screw any man or woman he sees fit as long as it advances them forward in life. So, to recap, his partnership with FSociety is in jeopardy, the cops are at his front door and they’re ready to grill the Wellicks eight ways from Sunday. His wife sits on the couch, eating pickles out of a jar with a fork and tells Tyrell that his recent behavior isn’t instilling her with confidence. At first, Tyrell pleads with her to join him and FSociety but his wife scoffs. The cops enter the apartment after Joanna invites them in. Suddenly, it all clicks for Joanna: in her head, she deduces that Tyrell has murdered Sharon which means that the trail of guilt will ultimately end up burning a path into their lives. What does she do for an encore?

There’s a scream, the sound of crash. Tyrell runs in to discover that his wife’s water has broken and he immediately tells the cops that his wife’s in labor and that they have to get to a hospital. The timing isn’t coincidental…Tyrell looks over at the kitchen counter…and sees a bloody pickle fork sitting there. Joanna has obviously used it to induce labor. This begs the question, “Just how far will Joanna go to keep her hands near the levers of power?” And is her own husband even safe from her? The plot thickens…

As for Gideon and the “honeypot” trap, Elliot finally meets with the elusive White Rose (B.D. Wong) who turns out to be an androgynous being who is obsessed with time and nothing else. White Rose gives Elliot three minutes to convince them that the Evil Corp hack is still feasible. Turns out The Rose lost a lot of faith and trust in FSociety. The malware disk that Angela used to infect Allsafe? It was a test from The Dark Army to see if anything at all could stop the axe headed for Evil Corp’s neck. Unfortunately for FSociety, the hack exposed Gideon’s plot to catch the hackers. She gives Elliot two days to get rid of the Honeypot, otherwise, The Dark Army moves on — this time, for good.

Elliot and Darlene team up for this, with Darlene hacking Allsafe’s meeting room HD screen with a video in order to send everyone into the room to watch it. Elliot uses this time to sneak into Gideon’s office so that he can obtain his e-mail passcode in order to call off the Honeypot. He barely succeeds but he succeeds, nonetheless. The problem? Gideon all but knows Elliots behind the recent trouble with FSociety — so Elliot declares his time with Allsafe over and done with.

This, of course, isn’t going to bode well for his relationship with Angela. It turns out the person who bribed her with the infected disk has released a bunch of private information anyhow — including nude pictures of her. This angers Elliot but Angela doesn’t wallow in sorrow. Instead, she pushes back, telling Elliot that he was never there for her to begin with, so there was nothing he could do about any of it. Elliot tries to play it off, using Shayla’s recent death as an excuse. “It’s so strange,” Angela tells him. “I really miss ‘us’.” When Elliot asks her why that’s strange, she simply says, “Because I never thought I’d have to.” Elliot looks smug and, in voiceover, says that he’s become the “other side of the fence Angela doesn’t want to look over”. The trust is gone. The moment is bittersweet as it will ever be.

Elliot has more important things to deal with — or so he thinks. After the Honeypot was disabled and The Red Army kept their promise to initiate the final Evil Corp hack, Darlene’s beside herself. She tells Elliot how important he is and that he’s a great man. Elliot, with the loss of Angela’s friendship and Shayla, kisses Darlene…but the aftermath isn’t what Elliot expected — and neither did we, as an audience. Darlene says that Elliot’s forgotten who she is again. Elliot says that he knows she’s Darlene…but then slowly begins to remember the truth:

Darlene is his sister. The moment after in Elliot’s apartment is a thing of beauty. Whereas Wellick has been slowly coming apart, Elliot comes apart faster. He stands in front of a mirror and sees his reflection — as well as the reflections of his friends and FSociety confidants. Then he sees Mr. Robot and gets an idea: he’ll hack himself…but there’s no data on him. He has no identity. Quickly, he goes to his disc binder and finds a blank disc. Loading it and decrypting it, he finds several photos of Mr. Robot…along with pictures of himself growing up with Mr. Robot. That’s when he finds a frame with the family picture — and finds that Mr. Robot is his father. He hears a knock at his door and, coincidentally, Mr. Robot stands there. He smiles and tells Elliot that they need to talk.

This episode was brilliantly conceived on every level. It really says something when a show reveals what nearly everyone’s suspected for so long but still effectively deliver a shock. While I’m positive that Darlene is Elliot’s sister, the whole “Robot is his father” angle doesn’t really compute yet. Of course, we’ll see how this all plays out in the last two episodes of the year, but what a final two episodes it’s going to be. How will Darlene play into things from here on out? Suddenly, the fact that she was wearing a black leotard at ballet while Angela was wearing white means so much more to me. Will the two fight for Elliot’s undivided attention? I believe it’s safe to say that this show continues to be one of the greatest shows on television. Seeing Elliot and Wellick lose it on opposite ends of the spectrum was a thing of beauty and sets up an interesting dynamic since somebody has to be around to pick up the pieces when Evil Corp goes down.

The episode seems to toy with the notion of reality and what we define as absolute truth. That said, it’s very hard to know, with absolute certainty, if Robot’s part of the ultimate problem or if he’s the solution. Is Elliot an heir to the empire?

I really cannot wait to find out.

Ballers: “Head-On” Review

Terence Chen

August 17, 2015

Season 1, Episode 10: “Head-On”
Air date: August 16, 2015
Grade: B+

Hey guys, I’ve been gone for a couple of weeks, did I miss anything? Oh wait, probably not. I just caught up on about an hour’s worth of content with the 60 seconds of the preview. I will say though, I think that this week’s episode has been the best yet of the season. Why do I say that? It’s because Ballers gets rid of a lot of extraneous story lines and focuses on developing Spencer throughout nearly a full episode.

Let’s get the boring stuff out of the way. Ricky can’t get Bella back because he’s a cheater. Charles is trying to get back into the league but he’s super rusty and the GM calls him “sugar tits” because of it. However, he finds out that he’s going to be a father, so, yay? Oh, and Vernon finds out that Reggie is a scumbag who put his career in jeopardy so he could get his rocks off. Boom, about 10 minutes of wasted TV time summed up in a short paragraph.

Now, let’s get to the main thrust of the episode. Ever since Spencer found out that he was free of any brain disorders, he’s been living a much happier life. He even goes back for a check-up where he discloses that it wasn’t only the physical symptoms that he was worried about, but it was the psychological ones that he’s had problems dealing with. The neurologist obviously isn’t up to the task of handling that, so she suggests that Spencer takes that up with himself.

In quite a boneheaded and contrived move, Spencer slashes his own tires and hires the guy he knocked out of the league to tow his car. Real smooth there, bro; I’m sure that’ll work out great. Lo and behold, their first face-to-face meeting goes poorly. Spencer manages to weasel his way into getting a tow, where he ends up meeting his former adversary’s wife and son. He then tries to assuage his guilt by inviting the boy out to a Marlins game, to which the father begrudgingly accepts, calling Spencer out on his slimeball ways. Spencer doesn’t even try to defend his move, he just so desperately wants to erase his shame.

Once they’re at the park, Spencer finally opens up, and for the first time realizes what he got, and this guy never got, a moment of respect and recognition. In this whole series, this is the first time that I’ve seen any character go through any genuine growth that was believable. Talking with the guy that he knocked out of the league, they both realized how much pride in football had to do with how they saw themselves as men, and with that, Spencer finally makes strides to move past his former life.

It’s a shame that this episode happened so late in the season. Dwayne Johnson is finally used to effect here. He’ll never win an Oscar, but he has developed some acting chops over the years, and it’s about time that HBO put that to use instead of him just standing in frame and smile trying to radiate charisma through the screen. It might be too little too late to salvage an aggressively mediocre season, but hopefully the finale trends up following the best episode of the series so far.

Rock While You Roll In Tony Hawk Pro Skater 5

James Mikolajewski

August 17, 2015

If you were a teenager in the late 90s – early 00s, such as myself, you probably have awesome memories of shredding your way through multiple games in the Tony Hawk Pro Skater series. Not only did you have the muscle memory to pull off outstanding combos, you also found yourself singing along to the tunes of “Superman” by Gold Finger and “When Worlds Collide” by Powerman 5000. The music is just as important as the gameplay in a Tony Hawk game, and the folks over at Robomodo have released the official track list for Tony Hawk Pro Skater 5.

•Anti-Flag – “Stars and Stripes”
•Atmosphere – “Southsiders”
•Black Pistol Fire – “Hipster Shakes”
•Bully – “Milkman”
•Cloud Nothings – “I’m Not Part of Me”
•Cold Cave – “A Little Death to Laugh”
•Connie Price and the Keystones – “International Hustler”
•Crass Mammoth – “All 149”
•Deaf Poets – “Degenerate Mind”
•Death – “Keep On Knocking”
•Death From Above 1979 – “Virgins”
•Deer Mother – “When The Wolves Come Out”
•Doomtree – “Mini Brute”
•Fake P – “Rorschach”
•Family Force 5 -“Raised By Wolves”
•Four Year Strong -“Go Down In History”
•Harlan – “Moment To Myself”
•Hundred Visions – “Our Ritual”
•Hungry Hands – “Highline”
•Icon For Hire -“Cynics and Critics”
•Killer Be Killed -“Wings of Feather and Wax”
•New Politics -“Everywhere I Go”
•Plague Vendor – “Black Sap Scriptures”
•Ratatat -“Cream on Chrome”
•RattBlack – “Skate Rock”
•Royal Blood – “Little Monster”
•State Champs – “Secrets”
•Temples – “Shelter Song”
•The Orwells – “Who Needs You”
•The Schitzophonics – “Rat Trap”
•The Sheds – “Bad Things are Bad”
•Yogi & Skrillex – “Burial”

While I must admit that I don’t know much of the music on the list, I know I will eventually be singing along to them as I skate through the different virtual skate parks honing my skills, vying for the top score. I also think its awesome that Icon For Hire and Family Force 5 made the list (although Raised By Wolves is one of the weakest tracks on their latest album, Time Stands Still). Hopefully this track list lives up to the infamous games of the past.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater 5 will release September 20 for Xbox One and Playstation 4. It will release on older consoles at a later date, but it will not include the 20-person online multiplayer.

Are you excited for Tony Hawk Pro Skater 5? Did one of your favorite bands make the list? Let us know in the comments down below!

Playstation Gets Star Wars Love At D23 Expo

James Mikolajewski

August 17, 2015

This weekend Disney held their official expo, D23. While most of the news was related to movies and television, such as Star Wars The Force Awakens and Captain America Civil War, there were a few drops of gaming news. The biggest gaming surprise had to do with melding Playstation with the Star Wars universe.

First, Sony announced a special limited edition Star Wars Playstation 4 console. The console is black and red with an ominous looking Darth Vader gracing the top of the console. The console will launch in the United States and Europe this November, with preorders opening soon.

Sony is giving fans two opportunities to pick up this console. The first is a 500GB Star Wars Battlefront version, and the second is a 500GB Disney Infinity 3.0 bundle (in Europe the Disney Infinity 3.0 bundle will include a special 1TB edition). If you are not interested in having Darth Vader stare back at you as you try to save the galaxy, a standard black Playstation 4 Star Wars Battlefront bundle will also be available.

The console isn’t the only Star Wars goodness heading to the world of Playstation. Disney also announced that 4 classic Star Wars games will be getting the remaster treatment to arrive on the Playstation 4 this November. Titles include Super Star Wars, Star Wars Racer Revenge, Star Wars Bounty Hunter, and Star Wars Jedi Star Fighter. If you’re into brutal difficulty and throwing your controller, Super Star Wars is definitely the game for you! These games will be included in the special edition Darth Vader console bundles, but will also be available to purchase separately.

With Star Wars The Force Awakens right around the corner, are you excited to pick up your special edition Star Wars Playstation 4? Or are you happy with your current standard console? Let us know in the comments down below!

‘Scream’ review: Bowling for Bodies

Matt Perri

August 17, 2015

SCREAM
Season 1, Episode 7: “In the Trenches”
GRADE: D-

No, this doesn’t work, either.

Last week, Audrey was brought in for questioning for all of 8 hours. The next day, she returns to school and Noah’s part of a movement to get her released. She was in police custody for 8 goddamn hours. He’s even wearing a shirt that reads, “FREE AUDREY”. Audrey can’t believe it and, JEE-ZUS, we’re on our first pop-culture reference: The Shawshank Redemption. Because Audrey was in a police station. At this point, I’m wondering if the writers are just Googling “movies about X” and then picking the first one they see that might loosely apply to the situation at hand. What’s worse, they can’t even let it die a quick death: Audrey rattles off some prison slang for Noah because Audrey was totally “in prison”. Just like Nelson Mandela.

Emma and Kieran are still making out. And by “making out”, I mean smushing their faces together awkwardly and giving each other long, unsexy, closed-mouth pecks on each other’s lips. Everyone in Lakewood kisses like this. It’s like they’ve been cut off from the outside world for the last 40 years and still believe that you can catch an STD through saliva. Surprising for a show that features two guys running a child porn ring and a horny blonde student who tells her teacher/sex partner that she “isn’t wearing panties” running on a network that once saw Madonna humping a bed during an awards show. I’m not even convinced that they actually had sex. You didn’t see anything come off aside from shirts.

I digress…

So, in this episode, nobody knows where Will is. If you’ll remember, he and Piper were attacked by GhostMcMeltFace. She was knocked out and Will was kidnapped. Nobody really gives a damn about Will (audience included) since he pretty much betrayed the trust of everyone around him — but, because Emma got a cryptic text from him (after slapping him and saying “we’re done”) they’re all like, “We care again…so…where’s Will? Anyone see that lovable rascal?” Cue the holy shit out of Piper who, I swear, pops out of the floor and appears in front of people like the goddamn T-1000. This woman’s timing is impeccable as fuck and if she’s the killer, this is some terrible telegraphing. NO COPS EMMA, the Killer warns her via spray paint on a wall in that burnt-out warehouse. Why couldn’t he just tell her that over the phone? He calls her right after she reads his freakin’ mural. At this point, I don’t feel sorry for her. If she got a tap on her phone, this would all be over in about three hours. Then again, this is the Lakewood Police Department and they couldn’t listen in on tin cans connected with string.

Where is Will, by the way? In a bowling alley. An abandoned bowling alley. One with electric power still working! I probably shouldn’t be complaining too much. We’re probably lucky we didn’t get a Big Lebowski reference. Also, GhostMcMeltFact isn’t very smart. Having tried to one-up her with the “NO COPS” demand, Emma gets by on a technicality, bringing Noah, Brooke and Jake there instead. Of course, the advantage goes right back to GMMF once Emma has everyone “split up”. Twice. And she even says, “I’ll be right back” once — and there’s Noah, creaming his pants, he’s so excited to point out that those are “no-no phrases in horror films” because Scream is just so meta, it doesn’t know what to do with itself. When the groups are apart, they immediately begin accusing each other and speculating on who the murderer might be. Then, predictably, they get chased around by GMMF him/herself after Jake vanishes to “go to the bathroom”.

The above pic is the result of Brooke laying eyes on GMMF. Brooke runs away. The Killer does not chase her. They just stand there, holding the knife. Meanwhile, Emma and Noah find Will. He’s just fine. Never mind that moment last week where he got stabbed in the stomach and lost two pints of blood in ten seconds. Will’s a goddamn mutant because the wound has closed up, so that’s good. But Emma’s not convinced and suddenly her survival skills from her three tours in Afghanistan kick in: she duct tapes Will’s wound shut. And all I can think of is the giant shockwave generated by Will’s scream when the hospital tears that son of a bitch off. The kids survive another GMMF attack. Noah calls Audrey who is away from the whole mess but the connection fails, so every stupid thing that could possibly happen is happening. Oh, wait…no, I’m wrong.

I forgot to mention that Brooke finds Jake with a knife in his heart. Also Jake’s still alive. Also, Brooke pulls the knife out of his goddamn heart. He’s even able to walk. That’s nothing. GMMF shows their face again — and Will, who could barely move earlier, tackles them before the cops bust into the place to take over. Wait, what?! Lakewood’s finest in a successful raid?! I must be in Bizarro Land. As Emma watches the paramedics load Jake and Will into ambulances, the love triangle for the ages begins as Kieran shows up (he was having dinner with his Dad and Emma’s Mom) and wants to know why Emma wasn’t truthful with her. The two ultimately decide that they shouldn’t be together — and Emma wants to go back to Will. In fact, Will calls her right after Kieran leaves with blue balls and a broken heart. He wants a date. So, Emma goes. Only it’s a trick. Will’s been abducted again and GMMF has rigged a giant saw to chop him in half if Emma steps into a thin trip wire — which she does. The pic at the top of the article? That’s the result and the last image we see before the episode cuts to black.

I cannot tell you how irritating and nonsensical this episode was. Not only should Will and Jake be deader than Disco, both are still alive. Well…one is still alive. Will’s dead. His murder is meant to shock the audience, delivering what we’ve been missing — and that’s how it feels. It’s gruesome. But, to me, it’s also forced. It feels like the writers just tacked it on the end to give their target audience what they crave — except I’m really not sure how he’s “dead”. I mean, he was stabbed in the gut and should be in the hospital, no? So, how the hell did GMMF capture him AGAIN, then set him up in a trap that really, by all means, make no physical or logical sense? The whole situation is like the ending of a bad joke, a shaggy dog story. I don’t think I have any faith left that it’s going to deliver on its promise to wrap the whole thing up in a satisfying manner. The show works when it isn’t bogged down in its own stupidity. It’s done that once. That episode worked because the entire cat-and-mouse guessing-game murder plot made sense and the person who died was somebody who had more emotional weight than Will has had in all seven episodes. When Riley died, I felt something. When Will died, I felt nothing. This is MTV’s Scream, a show where kids make quips about movies and TV shows and somebody we don’t care about dies every few episodes. The show continues to falter week after week and this is no exception.

The Fosters : ‘Idyllwild’ Review

Alyssa Berkowitz

August 15, 2015

Season 3, Episode 9: “Idyllwild”
Air Date: August 10, 2015

This week on The Fosters, everyone goes to Idyllwild to see Brandon perform while Jude is MIA at camp.

I am not going to lie, I felt a bit let down by this week’s episode. Honestly, that is how I have felt all season. This season has felt disjointed and the episodes haven’t come together in a way that left me wanting more.

Take, for example, the twin’s hit and run storyline: the first episode or so of the season focused on Stef dealing with her kids’ car crash, but then the storyline was dropped for a full seven episodes. Then, all of a sudden last week, Mariana makes one comment about the accident and Stef is back on the case.

When Mike comes over to the Adams-Fosters house to pick up AJ (because Mike finally got his Foster license! Yay!) Stef fills him in on her new crazy theory about the car crash. The white guy in the surveillance video (who happens to be the son of the owner of the car) was at the drugstore to buy stuff for the bloody guy spotted on the bus, who happened to be black. Mike pretends he doesn’t think that the theory is crazy, and leaves with AJ. The two boys head to see AJ’s grandma at the nursing home where they run into AJ’s older brother Ty. After a bit of sleuthing, Mike realizes that AJ’s brother is the one who caused Mariana’s car crash! Wow, I have to say, I DID NOT see that coming. And also, poor AJ!

After AJ leaves Stef and Lena’s house, Mariana whines that she is now basically an only child with everyone in summer school and Jude at camp. Whoa, hold up, when did Jude start camp? Wasn’t he literally in summer school last week? Lena and Stef ignore Mariana’s comment to focus on some more important issues, such as Callie’s social worker calling to say that there were inconsistencies between the love stories Brandon and Callie told her. The social worker is going to interrogate all the girls at Girls United to find out more dirt.

Back at GU, Carmen tells the girls that she has decided to wait to join the Army because of the whole getting “punched” by Rita thing. No one is buying this story, not a single person. Callie puts it upon herself to squeeze answers out of Carmen which causes the crazy new girl, Brooke, to start yelling at everyone to mind their own fucking business. Afterward, Brooke strolls into Callie’s room complimenting Callie on her pretty face and pretty hair and says if she wants to keep either of those things she is going to shut the fuck up about the Rita thing.

Callie brushes her off, unafraid of being scalped in the middle of the night, and tells Brooke that she is a joke. In return Brooke gets her crazy meth head boyfriend to try to run Callie over with a car goes “Who’s the joke now bitch!” Being run over by a car does not stop Callie from going all Spencer Hastings on everyone’s ass. Callie confronts Carmen and records Carmen admitting that she is being blackmailed by Brooke to say Rita punched her. Unfortunately, in the same recording, Callie admits that Brandon broke his restraining order which puts Callie in a little pickle. Share recording to save Rita or delete it to save her adoption. Apparently the concept of editing the part of the recording which is self-incriminating never crossed Callie’s mind.

Lena and Monte end up alone in the cabin with grass fed organic steak and 12 bottles of wine (it was buy five get one free this week). The two drink in the cabin alone in front of a lit fireplace and Monte says that while the sex with Jenna is great, she is scared that Jenna is “catching feelings.” Man do I hate that term. Feelings are not a disease or a virus that you catch, like an STD or the flu; they are things that develop! Monte isn’t sure if she needs more time to catch the lesbian bug for Jenna, or if maybe Jenna is not the right person for her. On cue, Jenna arrives and realizes that she is definitely interrupting something intimate (think the fireplace and the bottles of red wine gave it away).

The next day everyone gets together to watch the Idyllwild performances. Before B’s performance, he addresses the audience to discuss how his time at camp was horrible, but it made him love music again. He also says that since he fired his pianist he is going to break the rules of the competition and perform his own piece. I really wanted to hate Brandon’s performance, because Brandon is the worst but his composition is actually pretty amazing. Maybe the reason I haven’t liked Brandon lately is because he is only bearable when playing piano. It is really his most (and maybe only) redeemable quality. The show ruins the moment though when he looks into the crowd, finds Callie, and the two have a Braille moment (which is one of the worst shipper name ever).

After the performances, Jenna tells Stef that she and Monte broke up because Monte is in love with a gorgeous vice principal with magical hair. Later that night at home, Stef confronts Lena about Monte. This conversation is so intense that I couldn’t breathe. I mean, literally I think I held my breath the entire time they were talking. Stef asks if she is in love with Monte in one fell swoop, and it takes every ounce of energy Stef has just to get the words out. Lena tells Stef that nothing is going on, but is unable to deny that she and Monte kissed, only rebutting with “Monte kissed me” and that the kiss meant nothing. Stef, pauses, takes a deep breath and replies “If it was nothing, you would have told me.” I am not sure if you heard that sound, but that was my heart breaking into a million little pieces.

While the parentals are at home arguing about infidelities, the kids stay alone at Jenna’s friend’s cabin in Idyllwild. After Callie tells Brandon about the recording she sent to Rita, which incriminates herself and B, Brandon says words that I never thought I would come out of his mouth:

“I don’t care about me, what’s gonna happen to you?”

WHAT? Did those words actually come out of his mouth? Has someone taken over Brandon’s mind? The two have another more than brother/sister love moment and decide that they should just say goodnight and go to bed. The two go into their own rooms, and I am so fucking happy that they are not going to hook up.

Finally, Brandon did the right thing and thought of what was good for Callie. Finally, Callie made a good decision for herself instead of self-sabotaging. Just kidding, ABCFamily is just playing with us. After a bit of tossing and turning in bed, Brandon goes into Callie’s room and the two have sex in a long, awkward and bizarre scene. I am convinced that the writers The Fosters have a bet to see who can write an episode that fucks Callie over the most.

Dark Matter: “Episode Ten” Review

Jen Stayrook

August 15, 2015

Season 1, Episode 10: “Episode Ten”
Air date: August 14, 2015

Dark Matter is a show that prides itself on good writing with unexpected twists and turns and while we still have no idea who wiped the memories of the Raza’s crew, we are getting a pretty clear picture of who each of the crew members are. Last week, I complained about the poor way in which Two had been handled in recent episodes and I don’t know if the writers heard me and made insanely quick last minute changes or if I should apologize to them (I’M SORRY) but I am so glad to see Two back on her feet with sharp-tongue equipped in “Episode Ten.”

At the end of last week, in one of Dark Matter‘s usual cliffhangers, the crew of the Raza was under attack by the Multicorp, leaving them with FTL drives powerless and missiles headed right for them. Two comes up with a brave plan to save them from the nukes, but then lands them in the crosshairs of Mekei Combine, the group who helped Two and the miners from earlier episodes. Commander Truffault boards the Raza and negotiates with the crew, offering them a well-paying job in exchange for them being bad guys for a little while, which most of the crew accepts because, well, they need money.

And One is especially excited to be a bad guy because he’s a strong independent white dude who don’t need no fiery brunette to tell him what to think. He’s his own man.

One of the best things about Firefly was that the crew of Serenity wasn’t always the good guys. Sure, they had a Robin Hood-esque mentality when it came to stealing medicine and protecting brothels, but ultimately, they were thieves and mercenaries and that’s what made them so exciting. The same can also be said of the Raza crew and that they are at their most fascinating when pulling down jobs that don’t exactly make them the best role models.

In order to be less-than-perfect role models and to fulfill the job given by Commander Truffault, the crew of the Raza are forced to make nice with Truffault’s own crew, led by the charming toothpick-chewing Wexler. Wexler’s crew is a bit more hardened than the numbered crew we know and love and Wexler himself is an exaggerated piece of work, wasting no time in perving his way to the infirmary at the hands of Two. Given that Wexler was the safe-cracker, needed to get the goods behind an impenetrable door, it’s up to Five to (gleefully) fill his shoes, despite Six’s protests otherwise.

Once inside the facility, things of course go awry when the crew happens upon an android that will reboot once it loses power. Naturally, it does lose power and attack, but thanks to Five’s quick thinking the android is down, but at the expense of their power source. One and Wexler’s bald goon are ready to throw in the towel, but in a shocking turn, it’s Three who shows the support for Five’s ability, certain that she will come up with a plan to keep the mission going. And it’s this reason that I love the show so much. When I first started watching, like many others, I hated Three, but now, I’ve become his biggest fan. It’s cliche, just like the entire crew calling Five “kid”, but for whatever reason, Three and his growth work for Dark Matter. Between his faith in the crew and the fact that he’s the first one to speak up with Two might be killed, Three has become an incredibly likable character.

With the stolen device stashed safely on the Raza, away from Wexler and his toothpicks, Wexler gets greedy, realizing that the bounty for the Raza’s crew is worth the same amount as the stolen device plus a free ship, a price tag that’s too difficult to pass up. Wexler knocks out the Android and then takes down Two as well, holding her hostage until someone from the Raza gives up the code to the door holding Truffault’s stolen device. Three gives in and Wexler’s goons take over the ship and the device, and Wexler opens the airlock hatch anyway, sending Two into space.

There are so many things that I loved about this episode. It moved at breakneck speed from minute one and it left me screaming at the screen with its cliffhanger. That’s one thing Dark Matter has always been good at: making 45 minutes feel a whole lot shorter. We were still treated to the Android’s ongoing quest to find out if she’s more human than initially programmed and while I am saddened she’s every enemy’s first target, I can understand why. While the plots haven’t always been the best, it’s the characters that pull the show along, and despite my hatred for One’s Whiny Pants, I love the Raza and its crew. Now someone get me next week’s episode because if something happens to Two, heads are gonna roll.

Dark Matter airs Fridays on Syfy at 10PM EST.

Follow Jen on Twitter for more nonsense.

Pixar News From D23 Expo About ‘Inside Out’ Short Film, ‘The Good Dinosaur’, and ‘Finding Dory’

Jen Stayrook

August 15, 2015

RILEY'S FIRST DATE? — RILEY'S FIRST DATE.©2015 Disney•Pixar. All Rights Reserved

Disney’s D23 Expo is happening this weekend and while we’re expecting to hear news regarding Star Wars and all of the Marvel ventures, Pixar also gave us some news and photos surrounding their latest films, including news about an Inside Out short film.

RILEY'S FIRST DATE.©2015 Disney•Pixar. All Rights Reserved — RILEY’S FIRST DATE.©2015 Disney•Pixar. All Rights Reserved

“RILEY’S FIRST DATE?” MAKES ITS WORLD PREMIERE – Pixar Animation Studios heads back inside the mind with an all-new short. “Riley’s First Date?” made its world premiere this afternoon at D23 EXPO 2015. Director Josh Cooley, along with “Inside Out” filmmakers Pete Docter (“Up,” “Monsters, Inc.”) and Jonas Rivera (“Up”), introduced the short, which revisits Riley, now 12, who is hanging out with her parents at home when potential trouble comes knocking. Mom’s and Dad’s Emotions find themselves forced to deal with “Riley’s First Date?” The short will be included as a bonus feature in the digital HD & Blu-ray releases of Disney·Pixar’s “Inside Out,” which will be available digitally Oct. 13 and on Blu-ray Nov. 3, 2015.

DO I KNOW YOU? -- In Disney•Pixar's "Finding Dory," everyone's favorite forgetful blue tang, Dory (voice of Ellen DeGeneres), encounters an array of new—and old—acquaintances, including a cantankerous octopus named Hank (voice of Ed O'Neill). Directed by Andrew Stanton (“Finding Nemo,” “WALL•E”) and produced by Lindsey Collins (co-producer “WALL•E”), “Finding Dory” swims into theaters June 17, 2016. — FINDING DORY©2015 Disney•Pixar. All Rights Reserved

In Disney•Pixar’s “Finding Dory,” everyone’s favorite forgetful blue tang, Dory (voice of Ellen DeGeneres), encounters an array of new—and old—acquaintances, including a cantankerous octopus named Hank (voice of Ed O’Neill). Directed by Andrew Stanton (“Finding Nemo,” “WALL•E”), co-directed by Angus MacLane and produced by Lindsey Collins (co-producer “WALL•E”), “Finding Dory” swims into theaters June 17, 2016.

A TRIO OF T-REXES — An Apatosaurus named Arlo must face his fears—and three impressive T-Rexes—in Disney•Pixar’s “The Good Dinosaur.” Featuring the voices of AJ Buckley, Anna Paquin and Sam Elliott as the T-Rexes, “The Good Dinosaur” opens in theaters nationwide Nov. 25, 2015. ©2015 Disney•Pixar. All Rights Reserved. — THE GOOD DINOSAUR©2015 Disney•Pixar. All Rights Reserved

An Apatosaurus named Arlo must face his fears—and three impressive T-Rexes—in Disney•Pixar’s “The Good Dinosaur.” Featuring the voices of AJ Buckley, Anna Paquin and Sam Elliott as the T-Rexes, “The Good Dinosaur” opens in theaters nationwide Nov. 25, 2015.

Killjoys Recap: “Enemy Khlyen”

Nicole C

August 14, 2015

Killjoys
Season 1, Episode 9: “Enemy Khlyen”
Air date: August 14, 2015
Grade: A

Prepare to have your minds blown in this week’s episode of Killjoys, “Enemy Khlyen” as D’avin reunites with Dutch and Johnny in a high stakes gamble that forever changes the course of their lives. No pressure or anything.

At first we see how life has degenerated for poor D’av (Luke MacFarlane), who is stuck in Westerly claiming low-level warrants (since he has no ship of his own). Pree (Thom Allison) has graciously given him room and board while he helps out with odd jobs around the bar. Dutch (Hannah John-Kamen) makes an unexpected visit and, yes, it’s super awkward. D’av tries to tidy up quickly and, in an attempt to fill the silence, tries to play gracious host by offering her a drink. The level five killjoy though can’t really stay and was just there to drop off his stuff. When she asks how he’s doing he responds with, “This lone wolf absolutely. I’m a free man running wild and free.” Riiiiiiight.

John-Kamen and MacFarlane did a beautiful job in this scene with their forced smiles, awkward silences and small talk (cushions were mentioned!). I wanted to move on from that as much as the characters did I’m sure.

Back on Lucy (voiced by Tamsen McDonough), John (Aaron Ashmore) and Dutch are sparring and exchanging their usual banter when the younger Jaqobis tells his partner that he’s finally got a way to track Khlyen (Rob Stewart) down. With the help of a woman named Carlene, they are able track the ex-tutor by honing on his specific neural pathway. Dutch gets hooked up to a machine where she’ll be projected to wherever Khlyen is physically located. There is a high risk of bodily injury however as the procedure is completely experimental.

KILLJOYS -- "Enemy Khlyen" Episode 109 -- Pictured: Hannah John-Kamen as Dutch -- (Photo by: Ken Woroner/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy) — KILLJOYS — “Enemy Khlyen” Episode 109 — Pictured: Hannah John-Kamen as Dutch — (Photo by: Ken Woroner/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy)

Once the program is engaged, Dutch finds herself in a generic looking hallway. She explores and comes across a strange bowl with liquid in it and then wanders into another area where the number 71 is printed on the walls. While she eventually she sees Khlyen walking towards her, she begins to experience severe pain and Johnny wants to pull her out. But Dutch still doesn’t know where she is exactly and refuses to go until she finds out. It’s a tense moment but as soon as she wakes up in her own body, she tells Johnny that she knows where Khlyen is. Her crazy former mentor is inside the RAC. YES, the same RAC that they are a part of. I screamed at my screen asking what the hell was going on.

Johnny and Dutch feel the same way as they decide to have a drink at Pree’s. D’avin cautiously comes up to them with some hoc, seeing that they could use another drink. You can’t help but feel like he’s trying to get invited back to sit at the cool table. Johnny though is mum on what they’ve discovered at first, but Dutch says that D’av’s tactical background could be helpful and they fill him in on Khlyen’s location. The other Jaqobis is dumbstruck as well as two explain that they need to get up all the way to the top levels (level 71 specifically) where the RAC executives are located.

D’avin excuses himself to go talk to Alvis (Morgan Kelly), a plan brewing in his mind on how he can help his former teammates. Once he’s gotten what he’s needed, he goes to Lucy and tells them that he knows how they can get into the RAC.

As they approach the station and are asked for their reason for landing, we find out it’s to formally dissolve their team. I’m crying a little on the inside at this point. In the next scene, a RAC officer is questioning their motives for terminating affiliations with D’av when Turin bursts in to take over. He’s out for Dutch and knows something fishy is going on. He turns the meeting into an inquiry into the possible suspensions of their reclamation licenses. The elder Jaqobis puts on a great act by confessing that he beat Dutch then stabbed his brother. Now he wants nothing to do with them because they ruined his life. Turin buys the bull momentarily and agrees to their request. He then leaves the room to fetch another rep for D’avin for attacking his former teammates. Also it’s hilarious that Turin dubbed them “Team Awesome Force,” albeit sarcastically.

Once the man disappears Team Awesome Force gets into action. D’avin releases a targeted pulse charge which takes out the power within the entire station. It was a little something something he picked up from Alvis. This buys them a bit of time to get up to level 71. Dutch goes off to find Khlyen while Johnny is in search of that weird bowl he theorizes is a computer of sorts.

After a lot of stair climbing, Dutch makes it up to Khlyen’s office where her ex-tutor has been waiting for her. They fight for a bit but the older man is seriously kicking her ass. Dutch takes out her trump card, a deadly poison that she is going to inject into her body unless he answers her questions (like what the hell is he doing inside the RAC). Earlier we had a flashback scene where a young Dutch almost ate a poisoned fruit but Khlyen had stopped her. In the memory, he still looked the same and had told the young girl that her father had hired him to train her. Back in the present, Dutch explains that she’s finally realized that his weakness is her and injects herself with the poison to prove that she isn’t bluffing.

KILLJOYS -- "Enemy Khlyen" Episode 109 -- Pictured: Aaron Ashmore as John -- (Photo by: Ken Woroner/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy) — KILLJOYS — “Enemy Khlyen” Episode 109 — Pictured: Aaron Ashmore as John — (Photo by: Ken Woroner/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy)

Meanwhile Johnny finds the bowl and is able to access it by changing his voice to sound like Khlyen’s. He manages to store some of the liquid from the bowl into a small vial before the alarm goes off. Back on level 35, D’avin is tied to a chair being interrogated by Turin who knows that they’re behind the blackout. The officer asks what’s so special about Dutch that she started as a level five (the highest level supposedly) and that any complaints about her virtually vanished. He knows someone is protecting her from within (and now we know that Khlyen had something to do with it) but it’s infuriating him that he doesn’t know why. Lastly the man asks D’avin why Dutch has been slated as Red 17, but of course the elder Jaqobis has no idea what that means. Johnny then tells his brother through their communicators that he needs to get back to Lucy asap since he’s triggered the alarm and a lockdown has been initiated.

Turning our attention back to Dutch and Khlyen, she’s asking the man what he’s doing there and he in turn tells her that she doesn’t even know what the RAC really is and that she’s asking the wrong questions. She switches gears and shoots back, “Were you always a part of it, even in my world? Was that what you were training me for?” He responds yes to both. Khlyen then explains that he came back into her life now because she took a level five warrant (a kill warrant), which told him that she was done running and was finally ready. She then follows up with the question that’s been bothering her the most, why did he choose her? But before he can answer another killjoy enters the office and Khlyen shoots him in cold blood. Just as swiftly though Dutch grabs the weapon from him and stands up, very much not poisoned. Psych! Her ex-mentor gives a smile of approval for her acting abilities. He then attempts to goad her into shooting him but she refuses, saying that’s not how she’s gonna destroy him before bolting out of the room.

D’avin and Johnny make it back to Lucy, but the ship isn’t able to leave while the RAC is in lockdown. Dutch gets to the docking bay and tells the brothers that she’s going to disengage Lucy so that they can leave and that she’ll figure out her own way off the station. The boys try to stop Lucy to starting up the thrusters but Dutch has engaged a master protocol, code name “Free Bird.” After she sends them on their way and walks back towards the main floors, Turin appears and shoots her in the leg. He goes into a monologue about hunting these little critters and pulling their wings off, then telling Dutch that he’s not sure they’re on the same side. In the next moment he literally gets stabbed in the back. Enter Khlyen who says, “We’re not.” This is my favorite Khlyen moment ever.

In his own weird way, the creepy guy really does care for Dutch and is continually protecting her. As he carries the bleeding killjoy to an escape pod, Khlyen says that no harm will come to the Jaqobis since she’ll need her whole team for what’s coming. As he’s strapping her in, Dutch asks him why does he keeps saving her and he responds by asking her what was the moral of the story he had told her as a child. She answers that in the end the wasp and the bird save each other. And with that Khlyen says that he needs her to live and gets up to leave the pod. But Dutch still has questions though: did her father really send him and what is he? He turns around and says, “I’m level six.” Ok, uhh WHAT THE HELL!!!! That is both awesome and scary.

Back at Old Town, Alvis gets arrested and beaten by The Company for harboring weapons. This is likely going to spark the resistance movement to doing something spectacularly big in the season finale.

KILLJOYS -- "Enemy Khlyen" Episode 109 -- Pictured: Luke Macfarlane as D'Avin -- (Photo by: Ken Woroner/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy) — KILLJOYS — “Enemy Khlyen” Episode 109 — Pictured: Luke Macfarlane as D’Avin — (Photo by: Ken Woroner/Temple Street Releasing Limited/Syfy)

Dutch manages makes her way to D’avin’s room with her injured leg and Johnny leaves to find Pawter (Sarah Power). Still in shock, she tells D’av that Khlyen is level six and that she thinks he is telling the truth. He cups the side of her face in his hand, saying that he knows a thing or two about bad dads and that if he ever finds Khlyen, he’s going to kick his ass for hurting her. Aww shucks. But the awesome badass that she is, Dutch merely smiles and asks him how many breakups do they have to go through before he realizes that she doesn’t need him to fight her battles.

The episode ends with Khlyen dragging Turin’s body away to an undisclosed location within the RAC. The stabbed guy though doesn’t know how to shut his mouth when he threatens the level six agent that he knows what he is and what he does up there. There’s something so satisfying knowing that he’s now prey to a scarier and more lethal beast.

With the season finale next week, there are still so many questions left unanswered! What is the RAC really if Khlyen is actually a level six agent? Why is he still not aging? What is the master plan for Dutch and this mysterious “Red 17?” Johnny must have stolen something critical from the bowl computer since we saw Khlyen looking majorly pissed when he saw what happened. How do the Jaqobis brothers fit into Khlyen’s plan? Who is he sending them after? Does it have something to do with the resistance? Has D’avin redeemed himself in the eyes of Dutch and Johnny by reporting himself and causing the blackout so that Team Awesome Force can truly reunite?

Here’s hoping we find out in the next episode. I can hardly wait and we definitely need a season two stat!

Killjoys airs Fridays on Syfy at 9/8 central.

Follow @niixc on Twitter for more.

Images courtesy of Syfy.

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(w/ DANIELLE STOLMAN & JENNIE PERRI)