Chris Hemsworth will be joining Sony and Paul Feig’s female-driven Ghostbusters reboot. The announcement came late Wednesday via Feig’s personal Twitter account. Who is Hemsworth playing? The receptionist of course!
Ahead of the Game of Thrones finale, HBO has released photos from the final episode of Season 5. While not much is revealed from the photos, it’s quite clear that Cersei’s wall of stubbornness has collapsed around her as she sits at the feet of High Sparrow.
Across the Narrow Sea, it looks like Daenerys has not returned from her flight on Air Drogon. Daario, Tyrion, and Jorah seem lost without her as they sit upon the steps of her throne.
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The Season 5 Game of Thrones finale will air on Sunday, June 14, 2015 on HBO.
The Fosters has returned for it’s third season where it seems like Callie can’t catch a break. To recap where things left off last season, Connor was shot in the leg, and Jude and Connor officially became Jonner. Callie’s biological father finally realized it was selfish to keep Callie as his own property. Last but not least the twins and Ana (who was in labor) got into a wicked car crash, that supposedly resulted in a fatality.
The season starts off with one of my least favorite TV ploys, a dream sequence. Stef is running in slo-mo to the scene of the accident where she sees her sweet son Jesus on a gurney with his arms crossed and shoes off. Apparently being shoeless is indicative of being dead. Rest assured boys and girls, Stef awakes with a huge gasp quickly realizing it was just a bad dream.
It has been approximately three weeks since the car accident, which incidentally killed no one, and Jesus has been shipped off to Summer School: Wrestling Edition (aka he is gone for the season). Everyone else’s summer plans involve staying on the show so don’t you worry. Brandon is going to his prestigious music camp, Callie is finally getting adopted and going to summer school and Mariana is planning on losing her virginity.
Mariana
Mariana’s storyline, unsurprisingly, is the most boring of the premiere. Her plan is to spend her summer playing wet nurse nursemaid to Ana and baby Bella, who thankfully survived the ‘fatal’ accident from last season. Ana is now forced to wear a body brace making her incapable to breastfeed, and just wants to spend quality time with Bella, without Mariana hoovering.
When Ana tells Mariana that she needs space, Mariana decides since she is no longer helping care for her sister, she should lose her virginity to Matt. She details her V-card plans to Callie, while sporting a hideous Fourth of July halter top a month too early.
Callie’s face says it all…
Later that night Mariana walks Matt down to a lifeguard post to do the deed. Matt is not too keen on the idea though. He feels that the beach is too public. Matt must have learned that from April and the other doctors on Grey’s Anatomy since losing your virginity on the beach isn’t quite that sexy. Suffice to say, Mariana does not take this rejection well and stays behind at the lifeguard post to sulk. Luckily, Wyatt emerges out of the deep blue sea with a backpack of beers to comfort her. They get drunk. They have sex.
Brandon
Brandon’s summer at elite band camp isn’t starting off so hot. He didn’t submit his housing application in time to Idyllwild Crest, resulting in him being the kid who has to commute. Even worse, Brandon apparently didn’t even read his acceptance letter. If he had, he would have learned he got accepted as a composer not a pianist. I am calling BS on this one, The Fosters. I do not believe that Lena and Stef could have overlooked something so big, but maybe they thought that if Brandon was mature enough to go on tour with his band, he was mature enough to know what music program he got accepted to.
When Brandon arrives for check in, he is introduced to Katarina who may be the preppiest and most pretentious girl to grace ABCFamily (and that is saying something). She insists that Brandon “just call her Kat” though.
For Idylwild’s summer long project, each composer is paired with a performer. Can you guess who Brandon was paired with? If you guessed Kat, you are the lucky winner. Kat is aghast that a musician of her caliber would be paired with a commuting, first year, amateur (pronounced ama-te-your).
Stef and Lena
Oh, Stef and Lena, where do I start with you. This entire episode, these two just are not seeing eye to eye. Stef cannot stop obsessing over the twin’s car accident and the fact that the driver of the other car fled the scene. She starts off on a diatribe of the evilness one must possess to commit a hit and run and how individuals who commit such crimes are a blight on society. Lena just nods her being like “Honey I know. We all know. I am an educator and a mom. I care about kids too. But because you are so passionate about this I will smile, nod and let you do your policing.” Stef’s hardcore cop work produces no viable leads which leaves her emotionally distraught. She thought she had lost her son in that car crash, and she can’t get that notion out of her head. Finally she breaks down, her feelings floodgates break open, and she reveals to Lena all of her emotions.
Back at work, Lena is trying to figure out how to handle the fact that her super attractive boss, Monte, kissed her last season. The awkwardness between Lena and Monte is now palpable, so Monte declares to Lena “I’m straight. I was married,” and therefore the kiss was nothing. Not sure if that is a great defense Monte since Stef had both those boxes ticked when her and Lena started dating.
Jude and Connor
Meanwhile, everyone is all up in Jude’s grill about when he and Connor are going to DTR. He gets interrogated by Callie about it at breakfast. When Connor asks Jude about it in school, Jude announces they shouldn’t come out as dating since it is no one else’s business. Connor is obviously hurt. He gets over it, and the two arrive at the Summer School Beach Bash together acting so cute it hurts. They are interrupted though by a skater dude which produces this amazing dialogue:
Skater Dude: Okay, wait, wait. So you guys are gay for each other? Connor: Yeah, so what? You got something to say about it? Skater Dude: Nah, man. It’s all good. I just heard, and I thought Connor: Yeah you thought what? Skater Dude: Nothing man. It’s all cool. Connor: Get out of my face.
I mean, wow, look how far Connor has come with accepting his feelings for Jude and to not feel ashamed by them. This interaction makes me so happy. He doesn’t attack the skater, he just puts him in his place. It is amazing! Jude though is upset that the news of their relationship has spread, and declares “I’m not gay,” as he runs away from Connor. Connor crutches after him confused and bewildered about what Jude is feeling and thinking. When he finds him, Jude is sitting on the beach with Joshua Radin playing in the background (as all good emotional scenes should). Jude explains that he just doesn’t want to be labeled any more, and he just wants to be Jude. He makes it clear though that he also wants to be Connor’s boyfriend (swoon).
Callie
On her way to her internship, Callie gets accosted and yelled at for living a privileged life by a random guy on the street. Once she gets to the drop in center, her boss mentions that they need to spray paint chairs, and that they need to lock said spray paint up in this super secret closet, that the camera will zoom into, so no one will steal it.
Because Callie wasn’t lucky enough to watch the Huffing episode of 7th Heaven, she is perplexed at what street value some spray paint has. About a second later, the random guy who had just harassed, Callie saunters into the center. His name is AJ and he has no place to sleep since he ran away from his foster family. Callie being her Callie-self bonds with him, learns his life story, and then bends the rules to help him; she lets him spend the night in the drop-in center (which is strictly forbidden). The next morning when Callie comes in to check in on AJ, both he and several canisters of spray paint are missing. To make things worse, her boss (who until this scene I thought was in love with Callie) walks in and fires her. Callie needed this internship if she wants to graduate on time, so if she is fired, Callie is fucked. Again. Like always.
Question to Ponder:
Why is EVERYONE in Anchor Beach enrolled in summer school?
The mini-series will have it’s two-hour premiere on January 24, 2016. The show originally came out in September 1993 with a nine-season run and two motions pictures, The X-Files (1998) and The X-Files: I Want To Believe (2008). Returning to reprise their roles as well are Mitch Pileggi as FBI Assistant Director Walter Skinner and William B. Davis as (Cigarette) Smoking Man.
Syfy announced Wednesday morning that they will be joining Bradley Cooper, Graham King, and Todd Phillips in developing author Dan Simmons’ Hugo Award-winning best-selling novel Hyperion as an event series.
“Set on the eve of Armageddon with the entire galaxy at war, Hyperion is the story of seven pilgrims who set forth on a voyage to seek the answers to the unsolved riddles of their lives. Each carries a desperate hope and a terrible secret — while one may hold the fate of humanity in his hands.”
“It is an absolute honor to enter into the world created by Dan Simmons that is arguably one of the greatest works of science fiction, and help realize it for television audiences,” said executive producer Cooper.
“As Syfy continues to forge important partnerships with award-winning talent on and off screen, this powerhouse team led by Bradley Cooper, Graham King and Todd Phillips brings an extraordinary track record in producing entertainment of the highest creative ambition,” said Dave Howe, President, Syfy & Chiller. “Epitomizing the gold standard of science fiction story-telling, Hyperion tackles smart and provocative themes that help define Syfy’s development vision.”
Hyperion joins The Magicians, based on Lev Grossman’s best-selling books; the 10-part series The Expanse, Arthur C. Clarke’s epic mini-series Childhood’s End; Aldous Huxley’s classic novel Brave New World; Gale Anne Hurd’s 13-episode thriller Hunters; David Goyer’s Superman prequel, Krypton; and Incorporated, a futuristic espionage drama from Matt Damon and Ben Affleck as recent scripted projects to be announced by Syfy.
Last episode, “Planet Funk is Funked Up”, was all about Divas having to make sacrifices:
JoJo had to choose between keeping her boyfriend or pursuing her WWE career and chose the latter. Obviously, as we know, it didn’t exactly work out. She’s not only off WWE’s main roster of performers, she’s not even on Total Divas. (MATT: How awful do you have to be that they yank you from Total Divas?)
Brie decided to sacrifice living near Nikki (and San Diego’s weather) to move to Arizona to be with her Incredible Skyping Dog…oh, and her mom and brother, too.
Naomi had to decide whether to sacrifice her ideals and stay with an abusive fiance, Jimmy Uso, who in that one episode alone, grabbed a remote from her hands, demanded she wears her engagement ring while in the ring and threw a glass at a wall when things didn’t go his way. Naomi chose to stay abused over sanity and self-respect. (MATT: Though, I don’t know how much self-respect a person using their ass as a finishing move could possibly have…)
This episode doesn’t touch on any of those issues in any great detail, but we do get to learn more about other aspects of their life. As usual, Matt Perri will be chiming in with his color commentary as well.
Kansas City, MO
Birdies (Shop)
Nikki is without Brie who is in Arizona (MATT: Wonder if anyone asked if she’s “likin’ da’ rain, gurl” yet…sorry…in-joke.) shopping with (MATT: …and suddenly pretending to care about…) Natalya. They look like they’re in a shoddy part of town but, SCORE! Shoddy Part of Town has a lingerie store! (MATT: Handy for distracting the pervy thugs who wanna steal your wallet.) Nikki wants to check the place out so she can “buy something sexy for John”. (MATT: And, at this point, the editors decide to give us an example of “sexy” by cuttingto something that wouldn’t turn on a 7th-grade Sex-Ed class: a pair of yellow bikini panties with a giraffe printed on the crotch.) Natalya offers to help Nikki find something hot to wear for John. In return, Nikki wants to help Nattie find something cute for her fiance, T.J who, in the WWE Universe, is “Tyson Kidd”. Natalya doesn’t think lingerie is “her thing” – ironic as the Divas costumes are supposed to be uber sexy and Natalya spends nearly every event showing off her ample boobs, but, ok.
She’s been with him 13 years, and engaged for 10 of those. When Nikki asks how things are going with them, Nattie says, “Ever since he got hurt, our sex life has gone down the drain.” His knee was injured months ago and they’ve been living like roommates with no sex or even any romance. “I come home and I feel like I barely exist,” Nattie elaborates. Being that she’s a stereotypical woman for whom shopping is the answer to everything, Nikki suggests she tries on a hot pink bra and panty set to get things back on track.
“I like TJ, but Nattie always talks about how he plays with the cats more than her, they’re kind of like an old couple,” she tells the camera.
Nikki tries on the hot pink lingerie, herself, to inspire Natalya. This, after Natalya suggests she buys a nightgown that hides everything on her. Nikki cringes: “This looks like something you’d wear when your grandmother comes to visit”. Natalya tries something more sexy on, yet doesn’t want to come out of the dressing room. Nikki urges her to do so and, finally, she does, wearing a black silk robe. Nikki’s skeptical and reaches in to open the rope to reveal a black bra with and panty set that looks great on her. (MATT: I’ve changed my mind. I award this show ten stars!) (I hope Matt is taking notes for Christmas, because I’m making out half my list just watching this show.) (MATT: You didn’t want the Ferrari F430? Ok, then…) Natalya also tries on a red set she thinks Tyson will like. Nikki suggests a set she wore “with tassels while riding her fiance” (This was off-camera — sorry, Matt.) and makes humping motions to better illustrate the coupling, as it were.
(MATT: A more playful intro than the epic “TREE DEBATE” from last week.)
Sprint Center for WWE Monday Night RAW
Backstage
Cameron compliments Naomi’s hair, then really comes alive when she sees Nikki walk by with a hot pink dress on. The dress works overtime to compliment Nikki’s enormous boobs (MATT: I swear, they get bigger each time I see an episode…seriously, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were halfway up her face next week.) by allowing the top half of her breasts to spill out. Cameron is so impressed, she can barely speak, whooping it up: “Ooooo, girl, look at you…” To which Nikki replies, “When God made perfection, he gave me these to buy.” (MATT: Wait…if God MADE “perfection”, why would she NEED to buy boobs? Nikki Bella, everyone! Isn’t she great?) Nikki taunts Brie for having not gotten hers done and says Brie stares at them a lot. “I can’t help but not,” Brie says, then pauses to snap her gum, and says, “I know what they looked like BEFORE.”
Cameron says she has so little on top that, sometimes, a bathing suit or dress literally falls off her. (MATT: Do we have a clip of this? A flashback? Anything? NOTHING?! Oh, for fuck’s sake…they have the girls flashing back to their last fucking TEETH CLEANING and they don’t have a flashback of dresses falling off of themselves…) Cameron channels her inner high school student and stuffs her shirt with tissues, Naomi, having none of this, takes them out and says that that looks horrible, adding “I think her boobs are great! They’re perky and perfect and they fit her body,”
(MATT: BEWBZ! A semi-acceptable substitute for a PLOT.)
Autograph Booth – Outside Sprint Center The Bellas (MATT: Boobs.) and Funkadactyls (MATT: BOOBS.) are in booth signing merchandise and Cameron wants to (MATT: BOOBS!!!) make more merchandise money to up her paycheck. She is clearly jealous that the men are looking so much at Nikki’s boobs (MATT: BOOBS, FER CRYIN’ OUTLOUD!!!) and taking camera photos.
Cameron introduces herself to the show producer camera. Again. She also tells the viewer that she and “Naomi” are “The Funkadactyls”. Again. They are a top Diva faction, as if telling us a second time is supposed to make us like them more. Cameron wants boobs so she can be “thebomb.com” and calls Naomi, “Miss Thang”, further cementing herself as Token Black Chick on the show. Naomi says she is perfect and all the really young girls who see them at the booth would agree. Cameron says she’s making an appointment just to see how a breast augmentation would look on her, and she’s taking Naomi because plot reasons.
Daniel and Brie’s Hotel Room Brie wants to eat, so Daniel Bryan reads her room service menu to highlight some dessert options. Brie cringes and says, “With SummerSlam coming, I think I should be juicing.” Brie says she could lose three pounds in a cleanse, then pinches her skeletal arm, checking for non-existent fat and lifting her shirt which is flatter than a cutting board. (MATT: With a sexy-ass rib cage you could play jazz xylophone with. All she needs is yellow panties with a giraffe printed on the crotch and the look will be complete.) Brie’s body is already perfectly toned and, if anything, gaining weight (maybe a bit more arm definition) is in order. Daniel makes fun of her for always wanting to lose 3 pounds and tells her she looks great. Awww…now this is what a supportive relationship looks like. I hope Jimmy Uso is watching this and learning, but I doubt it.
Tampa, FL
Natalya and T.J.’s House Natalya is ready for a hot night and sweetly calls Tyson by his real name to entice him. She’s carrying in a brown bag that has her lingerie purchase on it. He’s watching TV on the couch. She kisses him but he barely looks at her. She greets their Siamese cat, Gizmo. She’s known TJ since they were 10 “back when he was a little brat,” she says. When she started “wrestling with him”, she figured out that he liked her. (MATT: In other words, they wrestled, he got wood, and they fucked. Just be honest and tell us, Nattie. We’re all adults.) She remarks that he’s “preoccupied” and he says he is because he’s “watching this WWE Pay Per View”. (MATT: Extreme Rules, it looks like. Really terrible and obvious product placement. All that’s missing is Michael Cole breaking in to the place and telling everyone to subscribe to WWE Network.) She recommends they have a romantic meal out at Grill 23 which is close to their home but he’s more interested in watching his “WWE Pay Per View” because “you just can’t get enough.” (MATT: ONLY $9.99 A MONTH – with a six-month commitment!)
She complains that, since his injury, she’s become a caretaker to him. She changes into the black (no tassel) set she bought and he seems more confused with why she’s wearing it than turned on. “I don’t know if I have to dress up as Daniel Bryan for him to notice me,” she says in disgust. (MATT: Wha–. I can’t–. What the fu–. I don’t…) She lays down on the couch next to him, putting her head right in his lap. But he’s still watching the WWE PAY PER VIEW (MATT: You get EVERY PAY PER VIEW WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION!). What a way to make a woman feel special. Even if he physically cannot have sex with her without increased knee pain, there are ways he could make her feel good and satisfied or at least wanted, and none of them involve watching TV and ignoring her.
Los Angeles, CA
Andaz West Hollywood Hotel – Riot House Restaurant Nikki is having breakfast with JoJo and Eva Marie who she still calls newbies, and states that she has to keep an eye on Eva Marie as she’s competition. They talk about how they are all obsessed with Instagram. They vainly brag about showing off skin and boobs. Eva Marie is concerned with Brie and Nikki’s Instagram because there’s a hater who comments, “Nikki is SOOO the FAT twin!!”
Nikki is upset with this. She’s horrified for two reasons: 1) “somebody used that many O’s”, (MATT: Yep. This was said.) and, 2) this makes women insecure. Nikki says she should invite the commenter out and show them “what ‘fat’ really is”. Also, she’s wiping away tears over this, an anonymous person on the internet. Over somebody she doesn’t know who, statistically, probably has a larger BMI than she does.
Eva sits there, feeling sorry for Nikki while Jojo squeaks something inaudible, I don’t know. I forgot she was there until they showed her again.
They all sit there in silence, as if learning that all shoes on Earth are now Crocs, and pretend that Nikki has an eating disorder.
(MATT: I Googled that comment. It doesn’t exist. Also, if the commenter was real, I don’t think he meant “fat” the way Nikki things he does. In other words, bewbz.)
San Diego, CA
Caffee Bella Italia Brie, Daniel and Nikki are having dinner. John Cena is conspicuously absent. (MATT: “Caffee Bella Italia?! Fuck that! The champ is going to be HERE…at home, watching the Padres game with some chowder my private chef made in one of my seven kitchens…”) It’s dessert time and Nikki wants the Lava Cake. (MATT: This is the part where we’re supposed to all be concerned and collectively screaming at our TV’s not to do it…but it’s kinda difficult when Daniel Bryan’s sitting there, watching them argue while inhaling his pizza.) Brie tells her “no sweets” and then both Brie and Bryan make fun of her. (MATT: WWE: Don’t Be a Bully.) I’d eat dessert every day, too, if I could do so and look like that. Nikki gets it anyway and makes a point of saying how delicious it is. Brie is mad as they were hired as identical twins and they have to look perfect and identical at all times — but, then Nikki got “her own set of twins”, so they’re not really twins anymore in a physical sense. Brie says Nikki should join her in doing a juice cleanse without dessert or alcohol. “Does wine count?” asks Nikki who, with that question alone, makes Honey Boo Boo look like a Rhodes Scholar. Brie’s serious. She wants to “look identical”. (MATT: Jesus H. Balding Christ on a raft, just tell their photographer to Photoshop Nikki’s jugs! Am I the only one thinking this?!) Nikki reluctantly agrees to 20 days of dieting — and dips her fingers into the dessert she barely touched so she can shake Brie’s hand.
Los Angeles, CA
Andaz West Hollywood Hotel – Outside the hotel entrance Trinity and Jimmy Uso are ready to go out and he’s already gripping her by the forearm menacingly. I don’t even think he realizes “bully” is his default setting. Cameron shows up carrying a Chihuahua she suddenly owns, named “Noodle”. Cameron claims that she takes Noodle everywhere, even though this is the first time we’ve EVER seen him. Naomi is going to go with Cameron to a plastic surgeon so she can see how Cameron will look with bigger boobs. Jimmy is, allegedly, there to “give a male opinion”, (MATT: Hey, honey! Wanna come and see how Cameron would look with fake boobs? What a lucky guy.) He has to squeeze in the back of Cameron’s tiny car and hold the dog. Jimmy is worried the dog will pee on him. Instead, the dog throws up on the seat. (MATT: That’s SOOO Noodle, isn’t it??) Naomi and Jey look ill as the dog tosses up cookies in his little car-crib or whatever.
Office of Dean A. Manus, M.D., F.A.C.S. (MATT: B.E.W.B.Z.) A plate on the door gives us his name with the title, “Breast & Body” to emphasize that Manus is really a quack who thinks breasts are not normally known as body parts. Cameron tells Jimmy he must stay in the waiting room. (MATT: Wasn’t he supposed to “give his opinion”? What the fuck was he even there for?) Naomi, obviously competing with Nikki for Dumbest Diva Ever, asks “So, let’s say she gets her boobs done on Friday…Monday, could she take a body slam?” Linda laughs uncomfortably and says she thinks that’s unlikely.
Linda shows her boobs to the girls — pixelated, of course — and Cameron gets to feel them as well. (MATT: I request unedited material on WWE Network, please. By the way, Dean’s a plastic surgeon. Linda is his Beverly Hills trophy wife. So she was pretty much here to give Cameron and Naomi a female face and get felt up. Is this a great country or what?) Linda leaves and says, “I can always flash you again later, in case you want to see.” Naomi decides Jimmy should see because Stockholm Syndrome Fiance. She goes out to the waiting room to retrieve him, saying she “has a present” for him. Jimmy walks in and, bam, Linda flashes him. Jimmy averts his eyes, thinking he’s just walked into a trap. Naomi gives him a “one time pass, will never happen again” chance to touch them. Naomi feels — and he does as well. They both agree they feel real.
(MATT: Me, about this point.)
After the filming of Girls Gone Wild: Plastic Surgeon Edition wraps, the ACTUAL doctor shows up to consult with Cameron. (MATT: You mean, this office actually does plastic surgery and you can’t just walk in and feel Dean’s wife’s tits?) He lets her feel a few implants and recommends silicone. Cameron is able to try them in the tank top she is wearing. (Personally, as a petite girl with C cups, I’d never get an augmentation but, hey, having the implant models might be fun for a night out.) The doctor lets her take them home to try out how they look and feel. In a moment sure to insult anyone’s intelligence, Naomi makes Cameron do one of their routines and the implants bounce all over the place and finally fall out. We get the obligatory closeup of the models on the floor. Cameron, adding to an episode which has set women back 70 years, says, “I hope that doesn’t happen when I’m dancing!”
The doctor tells her she would need a month to recover to be back in the ring after the operation but that two months is ideal. I’m assuming the company doesn’t give Divas paid time off so, already, our little Suze Orman wannabee is losing money. That’s assuming her insurance covers this 100% which is doubtful. Naomi tells the camera she cannot have Cameron take off two months now.
(VINCE: Fake boobs? I’ll allow it!)
San Diego, CA
Casa de Juice Nikki jokes that Brie is taking her to get a milkshake. Brie assures her she’s not, but says Nikki could shop at the nearby mall after. They go inside and Brie orders two “Go, Green, Go” drinks and makes the juice guys add beets to them to “detox” all the alcohol Nikki had last night. Even if Nikki had drank a whole bottle of wine as her dinner last night, it’s out of her system by now, but we’ve already gone nuts with the whole boobs thing, so let’s go the full nine. “I know Nikki better than anyone,” Brie explains, “and giving my sister tough love is the best way to get her in shape.” (MATT: Brie looks like an anorexic Anjeclica Huston. She looks exhausted and you can see her skeleton when she leans forward.) Christ, if she lost any more weight, Nikki would make stick figures jealous. A wine-maker or ice cream company could even have Nikki model the body she has while consuming their stuff and pay her in product. It’s a win-win.
Nikki takes one sip of her drink and makes a disgusted face. Brie says they are going to have five Go Green Go’s a day. Perhaps Brie forgot, having moved to Arizona now, that Farmers markets and even regular supermarkets sell fruits and vegetables. They can buy healthy foods they like and make their own smoothies.
Tampa, FL
Surf Shack Coastal Kitchen Remember Natalya? She’s in this scene! Tyson takes Natalya out for lunch, claiming that he “ate here once with Christian.” (MATT: Christian is one of the MANY WWE Superstars on WWE NETWORK! Only $9.99 per month! I can just picture sex: “Doggy style is like a takedown hold used by Curt Henning!”) Natalya has been putting pressure on Tyson to be “romantic” and pulls out the big guns: suddenly wedding planning after a full decade. Nattie wants a “small wedding” as she already has 50 people in her wedding, including 36 cousins. She’s thinking 150 people. She wants their “WWE family, my family, a couple of your friends, it wouldn’t be everyone” She gets to have all her relatives and he only gets a few token people. No wonder they are still engaged at this point. Heck, I’m surprised he put a ring on it at all!
He tells Nattie that marriage is “just a piece of paper”. (MATT: Awwww…how romantic!) Natalya, not wanting to be the only Diva who doesn’t get married on this show, instantly caves to just 50 people. Tyson is too busy with rehab and other “things he has going on”. What, is he designing and programming video games? He doesn’t wanna think about STUFF right now, man.
San Diego, CA
Nikki’s Gas-Guzzling SUV OF DOOM In yet another moment of deep, philosophical conversation, Nikki asks Brie what kind of animal she would be if she could pick any. Brie makes Nikki pick first, so Nikki chooses a lioness. “Of course: you want to be on top of the food chain, ” Brie says, to which Nikki replies, “I could eat anything I want.” Brie declines to choose an animal and instead grills Nikki on the juice cleanse. They’re on Day 2 and Brie expects her to be dizzy and hungry. Nikki is ready to eat anything at this point (MATT: This, despite Brie’s promises that the Green shakes would “cure her hunger”. WWE couldn’t get diet right to save their lives.) and claims that she “won’t make it” with the diet. Brie gives her a juice in a bottle calling it a “road soda”. (MATT: Said with the same creepy excitement as a drug dealer explaining the newest street high) Nikki hopes it’s “spiked with rum” because DUI’s are badass and extreme. Nikki says she is so grumpy and hungry that she’s gonna kill someone, “I’m gonna slaughter a cow now and just eat its flesh.” (MATT: She wouldn’t touch a hamburger if she WASN’T on a diet.)
Los Angeles, CA
Andaz West Hollywood Hotel – The Sundeck Jimmy Uso and Naomi are having breakfast by the pool when Cameron shows up. (MATT: Yelling, “Holla, bitches” like that’s something she normally does.) She’s wearing the model implants inside her bikini top and it’s really weird. Jimmy’s impressed, I guess. Cameron takes off her robe and shows she has a turquoise bikini on, Naomi is amazed that Cameron has been wearing them day and night and even slept in them. “If you’re gonna do a test run, girl, you have to do it 100%, you can’t just do it 50%,” Cameron tells her. “You’re taking the test drive to a whole new level.” Naomi tells her. Naomi tells her she must test them in the pool then. Naomi gets in first and pretends to be drowning and has Cameron do the slow Baywatch run to rescue her. A model implant falls out immediately and floats on the surface.
(MATT: The first genuinely funny moment happens here when Naomi says, “Silicon implants FLOAT…who knew?”)
San Diego, CA
Nikki’s Apartment Brie says it’s hard to just do the cleanse and implies she’s not consuming anything besides the juices. (MATT: Hey, uh…isn’t Brie supposed to be in Arizona with her magical dog?) Brie notices Nikki is too quiet and suddenly transforms into Sherlock Holmes, going through Nikki’s trash, where she finds an empty wine bottle. Brie grills her but Nikki is like Perry Mason in the courtroom: she’s ready to defend herself. (MATT: God bless her, she actually says,“Wine has antioxidants, so I don’t consider it a full alcoholic beverage.” Nikki is like walking, talking E-Card meme.)
Brie digs through Nikki’s trash some more (MATT: She’s surprisingly good at that.) and finds evidence that Nikki ate a muffin. (MATT: Oh no. Actual food.) Brie berates her, saying it was going to help these identical twins get back on track on looking alike. Amusing, since Brie can’t seem to put two and two together to figure out that Nikki has giant boobs and she doesn’t. Then she says “No wonder people think you’re fat on Twitter and a WHORE!” (MATT: Uh…subscribe now or…?) Brie says Nikki “was doing so well and she just threw it all away.” Brie leaves her twin’s apartment in disgust (MATT: A running theme.) that her sister couldn’t give her 20 days of a juice cleanse that probably has very few doctors and scientists thinking is a good idea.
Los Angeles, CA
Cameron’s Apartment Cameron’s boyfriend, Vincent, can’t wait to see her with her model implants in her bra. Since all the blood has left his brain on the way to his penis, he offers to name her new boobs. She comes out with different size ones on each side, letting him feel them. She walks away and puts on a set of bigger ones. He names the left one Janice. She says they are too big and walks away without letting him feel them. Vincent wipes his sweaty face all over their couch blanket — and then sniffs at it like an animal about to mark his territory.
Random Beach – WWE Summer Slam Photo Shoot Brie mocks Nikki by saying how she feels great because she is in such great shape. (MATT: The look pretty much the same as they did at the beginning of the episode.) Nikki apologizes for cheating on the cleanse but says people hurt her feelings when they say she is fat, and then when Brie says it, it really hurts. Nikki storms off. (MATT: Is there a scene where these girls DON’T storm off?)
Brie follows Nikki to their trailer for the shoot. She’s sick of Brie making her feel insecure. She wipes away tears, saying, “Let me embrace who I am. I love having curves.” (MATT: Uh-oh…Nikki better stop crying…those tears contain precious water weight.) Brie apologizes to Nikki and says she hounds Nikki because she, herself, is insecure. She’s always looking in the mirror and finding flaws. If Brie does ever become pregnant, someone is going to have to take all the mirrors out of her house, if not hire a psychiatrist to be there 24/7. Nikki reminds her that, after the shoot, she can eat whatever she wants (as can Brie) and that Brie said she will pay for it. They hug it out and everyone is okay and normal again and nobody has anymore weight issues. Yay!
They shoot the commercial and Brie has changed her entire outlook: “I think its OK if the Bella Twins do not look identical. We’re not clones, we’re twins,”
Tampa, FL
Natalya and Tyson’s House Tyson has a surprise for her, they’re going for a car ride and she’s ecstatic that he has something romantic planned. Natalya is confused as to where they’re going as “the further we drive, the neighborhood starts to get a little sketchy.” She’s even more put off when they get out at the city courthouse. “We can just get this done right now,” he tells her, in regards to marrying her on the spot. He’s confused as he thinks it was to celebrate their relationship and as there are only two of them in it, they should just get married by themselves. “I’ve waited years for this day, and this is where TJ wants to get married?” she tells the camera. He wants to go in and get it over with, she wants to go home. She finally unloads on him, telling him that he treats her like a friend, pays more attention to the cats, and that’s why she wanted a big wedding: to feel she had a romantic day. She runs away from him, telling him, “I’m not even getting married to you.” She tells them that the thirteen total years they’ve been together mean nothing to him if this is how he wants to get married. (MATT: TJ even calls her “Bridezilla” at one point. Thaaaat’s not good.)
Monday Night RAW
Backstage Cameron is enjoying bouncing around with her implant models in place. She shows them to WWE Seamstress Sandra and allows her to feel them. Sandra likes them so Cameron asks her to sew them into her costume. Sandra apparently likes this idea and even told Cameron once that when she (Sandra) was eight years old, her breasts were the size of what Cameron has now. Even WWE’s elderly seamstresses make more women feel insecure about their bodies. If there are any women reading this, please know that breasts are beautiful in all shapes and sizes, they truly are. (MATT: This show is like ABC’s After-School Special series. Only kinda goofy.) Cameron realizes if she has an augmentation she may make her smaller breasted fans feel insecure…but enough feeling bad! She still wants the model implants sewn into her costume especially with Sandra egging her on.
Cameron grabs her top with enhancements and brings it to the locker room to show The Bella Twins. “Damn girl, looks like you’ve been shopping in my closet,” Nikki says. Cameron leaves her costume unattended and, lo and behold, one of the implants goes missing. Cameron flies off the handle and blames Naomi, who happens to be near the costume. Naomi denies it. Naomi cracks up and Cameron accuses her again and says she won’t go out like that. “You’re tripping, your’e going out with or without that boob,” Naomi tells her. (MATT: Never, in my life, have I ever heard anyone say, “Help me look for my boob” and I don’t think I will ever hear that phrase again.) Naomi tells her to just put her old padding on the side with the missing boob. Cameron refuses to go out and lays prostrate on the floor, I guess, to pray for a miracle.
Rather than using the padding Naomi suggested and that Cameron has allegedly used before, or going to Sandra, Cameron starts stuffing paper towels in her top.
The Funkadactyls go into the ring and dance behind Tons of Fun as usual. Everything seems OK.
The Bellas are watching the match on a TV backstage and John Cena comes up to them. Brie admits they played a prank on Cameron. Nikki confesses that she took one of the implants. Cena says that’s not nice and then accuses her of ruining people’s lives. Cena proclaims himself “a nice person” and play-lectures them. He says that he’ll be over in the “nice section, doing nice things.”
The Funkadactyls return backstage and Nikki asks if they lost something. She has the implant in hand and even takes paper towels out of Cameron’s top. (MATT: Can we see the uncut version where Cameron doesn’t act like a passive goofball and, instead, kicks the holy shit out of Nikki and Brie?) Considering it appeared to go unnoticed by the WWE Universe even with the active moves of the Funkadactyls running into each other chest first a few times, the prank wasn’t that effective at all. Nikki hugs her and says it was just a joke.
Cameron is scared of going under the knife and, as she wants to be a role model, she thinks it would be a bad decision to get the implants put in for real (though she will let Sandra continue stuffing her tops). Brie is happy that Cameron is making that decision.
Los Angeles, CA
Natalya and Tyson’s House Natalya comes home and Tyson has a romantic evening for her: candles, wine, strawberries, rose petals on the floor, and a rose bouquet. She says this is the most romantic he has ever been. (MATT: This takes little to no effort. What was “romantic” before this?) How did he propose then, with a coin and a ring box, heads, we get married, tails, forget it? He apologizes for not being romantic enough. As he’s not a mind reader she should tell him when she needs something from him. (MATT: Bingo.) She apologizes for being out of line, having lost sight of why they were getting married. She’s thinking they should have a beach wedding, and he likes the idea. Their Siamese, Gizmo, can be the ring bearer. She toasts to more romance and they kiss. He says she should go put the lingerie back on.
Er, that’s it. This week’s punch goes to: Brie for recommending a ridiculously strict, probably dangerous diet to someone who already is uber-insecure about her weight and who is already in fantastic shape and, when it goes south, is incredibly rude. I’m shocked WWE is promoting something that could hurt people.
This week’s hugs go to: Nikki and Cameron. Both women came to the same conclusion that it’s OK to love your body as is. Cameron further realized choices she makes can influence others. (I’m giving Nikki a pass on the fact that she changed her body with implants – that was before this show and her implant stealing prank. It was mean, but she did return it and Brie had driven her to near insanity with her insistent focus on her weight.)
We’re less than two weeks out from the start of Season 2 of True Detective and HBO has finally pulled back the curtain on the plot for the new season of the anthology series.
From the press release:
A bizarre murder brings together three law-enforcement officers and a career criminal, each of whom must navigate a web of conspiracy and betrayal in the scorched landscapes of California when TRUE DETECTIVE returns.
Colin Farrell plays Ray Velcoro, a troubled detective whose allegiances are torn between his masters in a corrupt police department and the mobster who owns him. Vince Vaughn portrays Frank Semyon, a criminal and entrepreneur in danger of losing his empire when his move into legitimate enterprise is upended by the murder of a business partner. Rachel McAdams plays Ani Bezzerides, a sheriff’s detective whose uncompromising ethics put her at odds with others and the system she serves. Taylor Kitsch portrays Paul Woodrugh, a war veteran and a highway patrol motorcycle officer, running from a difficult past and the sudden glare of a scandal that never happened.
The eight-episode second season of True Detective will premiere on Sunday, June 21 (9:00-10:00 p.m. ET/PT) on HBO.
FOR TV WEEK -- DO NOT PURGE -- MOB CITY -- "LOST ANGELS" "Red Light" / Ep 103 TNT Ph: Doug Hyun -- Description/ I.D.: Jon Bernthal
Are you ready for the first appearance of Frank Castle, aka The Punisher, in the Marvel Cinematic Universe?
Marvel announced Tuesday that The Walking Dead alum Jon Bernthal will be cast as The Punisher in Season 2 of Daredevil. According to Marvel, The Punisher will be a “vigilante who aims to clean up New York City’s Hell’s Kitchen by any means necessary, no matter how lethal the results.”
“Jon Bernthal brings an unmatched intensity to every role he takes on, with a potent blend of power, motivation and vulnerability that will connect with audiences,” said Jeph Loeb, Marvel’s Head of Television. “Castle’s appearance will bring dramatic changes to the world of Matt Murdock and nothing will be the same.”
Marvel’s Daredevil was renewed ten days after it premiered for a second season. It was the first of four Marvel series headed to Netflix. The second of the four series, Marvel’s Jessica Jones starring Krysten Ritter, is slated to premiere later this fall.
Season 2 of “Marvel’s Daredevil” will be available streaming only on Netflix in 2016.
The latest entry in the Mirror’s Edge series will be called Catalyst, developer DICE announced Tuesday on their website.
First teased over two years ago, Senior Producer, Sara Jansson, states that Catalyst is not a sequel to the original Mirror’s Edge. In fact the team doesn’t think of it as Mirror’s Edge 2. “We have landed on a vision that honors the first game — pushing the boundaries of first person movement and diving deeper into the story behind our heroine Faith — but also brings a lot of great new, interesting gameplay and features to the experience for our players.”
Fans looking for more news on Mirror’s Edge Catalyst can tune into EA’s Press Conference on Monday, June 15 at 1:00 PM PDT for additional details.
The first official synopsis is here for Season 3 of The 100. Posted to Showrunner Aaron Ginsburg’s Tumblr page, the synopsis reads:
“For two seasons, the refugees of The 100 sent to Earth have been at war. First with themselves, then with the Grounders, and finally with Mount Weather. Many have lost their lives along the way. All have lost their innocence. They have learned the hard way that in the fight for survival, there are no heroes and no villains. There is only the living and the dead. But now the war is over. The battle against Mount Weather has been won. The prisoners have returned home to a world seemingly at peace, but can they find peace within themselves after what they had to do to escape? And is there more to life than just surviving?
Unfortunately, their newfound sense of normalcy will be short-lived, and their lives will be changed forever, as threats both old and new test their loyalties, push them past their limits, and make them question what it truly means to be human. First, they fought to survive. Then, they fought for their friends. Now, they will fight for the human race…”
Who will the humanity have to fight to survive? Our money is on the A.I. known as Allie that was introduced in the Season 2 finale earlier this year.
Co-op campaigns are headed to Call of Duty: Black Ops 3, a feature not seen since Call of Duty: World at War back in 2008.
That’s not all! Activision has also confirmed that developers Beenox and Mercenary Technology are working on Black Ops 3 for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3. However, there will be differences between the current and last generation versions of the game.
The campaign mode on Xbox 360 and PS3 will allow two-player cooperative play, instead of the four-player cooperative campaign on next-gen. According to Activision there will be “some other features and functionality built specifically for the new generation of consoles that cannot be supported on Xbox 360 and PS3.”
The publisher also confirmed that no version of Black Ops 3 for the Nintendo Wii U is planned.
Those hoping for news of a beta don’t need to wait much longer as Activision has confirmed an upcoming next-gen multiplayer beta will be available only for Xbox One, PlayStation 4, and PC.
Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 will release on November 6, 2015.
Hunger Games fans, rejoice! We finally have a trailer, courtesy of Lionsgate:
With all of the blockbuster movies this summer, I completely forgot that Mockingjay Part 2 hits theaters on November 20th. That being said, Lionsgate will make sure to remind us that the franchise’s finale, directed by Francis Lawrence, is on its way. They have records to break, people.
Anyone who thought Mockingjay Part 1 was a slow affair should be heartened to see that Part 2 appears to be loaded with large action sequences. Katniss and District 13 are ready to end the war, one way or another, and that leads our heroine left to charge into the treacherous Capitol. I, for one, am hoping they continue with the emotional baggage of Part 1, but I’m afraid I might be alone in those sentiments. In any event, here’s to Katniss Everdeen, long may she kick ass.
Well, all right…after my hernia surgery, I am surprisingly good enough to finally sit at a laptop and write. I don’t think I’ve used a computer at all except for just now. Everything’s been on my phone.
In any case, hope you’re all well.
We have a Going Home Show coming tonight and there have been rumors ranging from a Reigns heel turn to Lesnar showing up at Money in the Bank to have some sort of impact on the big ladder match.
Let’s roll…
We are LIVE(!!!) from New Orleans, Louisiana for WWE Monday Night RAW!!!
Michael Cole, JBL and Byron Saxton are the guys at the desk.
John Cena starts us off which is a welcome change which, I suppose, might be the lesser of two evils. He basically gives a mini version of what he said last week, pandering and yelling at the top of his lungs about how he’s gonna prove himself because he’s “the face blah blah blah”. This brings out Kevin Owens who the announcers kinda shit on. Owens says that the fans are tired of Cena and his Open Challenge. Instead, they should have an NXT Title Open Challenge. (DANIELLE: Isn’t challenging for, and possibly winning, the NXT Title a step backwards for a WWE superstar? I’m just saying. It’s like watching a Major League Baseball team challenging their minor league affiliate for a division title. It’s hard to be excited for the result.)
John Cena condescends and then says he accepts Owens’ challenge. Owens says that Cena’s delusional. They won’t fight tonight. Cena says that it’s kinda weak that Owens won’t accept just anyone’s challenge. He rants and raves about the situation. Owens: “Ok…so, we’re just gonna ignore all of that…and let’s let the person coming from the back decide which title he wants.” We wait for that Superstar and it’s…
Neville. Neville has the mic and tells Cena that they’ll fight again someday. Neville says that Owens likes to mock the fans and the other Superstars. He can’t let that stand. So, he chooses to take on Owens.
Cena is gonna join the guys on commentary for the love of god…
MATCH #1: Kevin Owens (champion) vs. Neville (challenger) for the NXT Championship The fight immediately starts outside the ring. Neville chases back in, then hits a nice Hurricarana, tossing Owens outside. Neville dives outside, knocking Owens down. Neville rolls him back in the ring and pins for a one count. Owens goes on the attack, hitting a short-arm clothesline. Neville fights back but Owens shoves Neville in the corner and hits a splash as well as a Cannonball Splash. Two count. Owens flips Neville up and drops his stomach on the top rope. Owens hits a headlock as John Cena won’t shut up about himself and even compares himself to Babe Ruth. Neville punches away at Owens but Owens catches him and drops Neville’s stomach right on his knee. Two count. Owens chokes Neville against the bottom rope, then hits a Side Suplex for two. When we come back from breaks, Owens has Neville on his shoulders but Neville counters with a nice DDT. Owens rolls out of the ring. Neville dives at him and the fight continues. Neville rolls him back inside the ring. A couple of counters and Neville hits a Springboard Missile Dropkick. Neville tries to hit a high kick but Owens counters with a Pump Handle Slam and a near fall. Neville comes back, kicking Owens in the face on a whip, then hits a German Suplex for two. Neville goes for the Red Arrow but Owens gets to his feet. Neville knocks him down with an Enzuguri and tries the Arrow again. He misses. Neville lands on his feet, then hits a Superkick. Another Red Arrow attempt fails as Owens gets up, knocks him off the top buckle, then hits the Pop-Up Powerbomb to retain at 13:53. WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Kevin Owens via Pop-Up Powerbomb
RATING: **3/4. Not a bad match. Was slow to start, then picked up. Neville didn’t get a whole lot of offense and this match could have been light years better if they had worked to their potential.
Post-match, Owens invites Cena into the ring. Cena obliges but Owens leaves the ring, bragging about how he’s NXT Champion.
Cole, JBL and Byron all talk about the situation with Ambrose and Rollins. We get a long segment detailing Elimination Chamber.
AT MONEY IN THE BANK: Ambrose vs. Rollins for the WWE Title.
Ambrose has been walking around New Orleans with the title.
Triple H and Steph are backstage. Rollins interrupts and he’s so disgusted by Dean Ambrose! Just DISGUSTED! ACTING!!! They mock Rollins about not needing help from The Authority. Steph tells Rollins to deal with this shit and they tell Rollins to pick an opponent to face to prove that he can handle himself.
We review the idiotic “Twin Magic” spot the Bellas pulled last week. On Smackdown, Paige ridicules the Bellas for “always using that trick”.
Renee Young brings in Nikki Bella. Nikki says that Paige is projecting her frustration. She thinks that Paige is, like, so ny-eve! Like OMG! Nikki says that this IS Paige’s house…but she lives in the Bellas’ world.
Next, Summer Rae vs. Nikki Bella.
MATCH #2: Summer Rae vs. WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella (non-title) Nikki stiffly slams Summer, then does push-ups because that’s what she always does during matches. Summer comes back with a forearm and a Cobra Clutch. Nikki breaks because that shit only works if you’re Ted DiBiase. She somehow knocks Nikki down and gets a two count. Summer chokes Nikki against the buckle. Nikki comes back and hits the Rack Attack to get the win at 2:18. WINNER: Nikki via Rack Attack.
RATING: DUD. (Danielle: Oh, come on. Nikki’s entrance music was longer than that match.)
Cole can’t even be bothered to recap any of that. Instead, we take a look at Roman Reigns running the Gauntlet last week.
More Instagram photos of Dean Ambrose just hanging out in various spots in New Orleans.
Roman Reigns is out here to talk. He says that he hated the MITB case and the contract because it was tied to a guy he detests. He says he’s gonna make history when he climbs the ladder and gets the contract. Aaaaaand here comes Kane to dead silence. Kane says that he believes that anyone else stands a better chance than Roman. He says that Reigns is full of weakness, not strength. Reigns just invites Kane into the ring and he’ll show people how to break a jaw. That brings out Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler says that Kane can’t do a thing unless The Authority pulls his string. He says that Kane is a human hardware store because he throws “wrenches” into peoples’ plans and “hammers” things out and “screws” people and he’s a “tool” because he “tools away”. Oh, jesus, please cut away to anything. He says he has a hot Russian chick and he’ll win the MITB case. Kane goes with the “tool” thing. He says that Ziggler and Reigns better watch their mouths because the MITB foes will be in singles action tonight.
That brings out R-Truth as this segment just takes a turn. Kane: “What are you doing out here? You’re not even IN the match!” Truth: “I’m not? You sure? This one’s on me. My bad.” Oh…fuck. Wow. Truth leaves.
Then The New Day shows up. They insult Kane. Kofi says that when he wins MITB, all of The New Day will be the winners of that case. Kane interrupts their chant again — only to bring out Sheamus. Sheamus says that the thought of winning the MITB case brings a smile to his face. More ranting. Kane interrupts again and says that everyone’s forgetting about Neville and Randy Orton.
Orton’s music hits. (DANIELLE: So…we had to sit through all that, plus R-Truth, just so Kane could introduce Randy Orton?)
When we come back, it’s Orton and Sheamus…
MATCH #3: Sheamus vs. Randy Orton The match starts outside but continues inside with Randy Orton hitting a back breaker and Garvin Stomp. Sheamus rolls outside to recover but Orton attacks with a clothesline, then rolls Sheamus back inside. Sheamus attacks with shots in the corner but Orton hits uppercuts and a headbutt. Sheamus hits quick uppercuts. Orton fights back and knocks Sheamus down. Sheamus rolls out of the ring again. Orton goes outside and shoves him back in. Orton whips him into the corner but Sheamus elbows him on a charge, then hits a short-arm clothesline for two. Sheamus puts on an armbar but Orton breaks it and hits a dropkick. Sheamus comes back with some shots, then puts Orton outside. When we come back from break, Orton breaks a headlock only to see Sheamus powerslam him for two. Orton fights back as the two men trade punches. Sheamus knees Orton in the gut and whips him to the ropes. Orton comes back with a knee to the gut and clothesline along with a Powerslam in Stride. Sheamus regains momentum only to fly into the corner post. Orton hits a leghook suplex and goes for the Vintage Orton DDT. RKO attempt by Orton goes awry. Sheamus tries a Brogue but misses and Orton clotheslines him outside. It’s a brawl as Sheamus tries to toss Orton into the table. Orton manages to fly over it and lands on his feet. Sheamus grabs a chair but Orton punches Sheamus, then hits Sheamus in the stomach with the chair for the DQ at 13:09. WINNER: Sheamus via DQ
RATING: **. This was the same match we saw last week. Still, these guys put on a great brawl.
Post-match, Orton’s in a bad mood and decides to beat the holy hell out of Sheamus, putting him into the steel steps. He rolls Sheamus into the ring and hits the RKO.
Rollins is on Instagram, looking at more of Dean’s pics. J&J come by and say they know that Rollins said some things he didn’t mean. Rollins says he meant every single word. He calls them morons. Noble’s had it. He says that they’ve had Rollins’ back for a long time and that he wouldn’t continue to be champ if it wasn’t for them. Rollins says that he’s gonna prove how awful they are — because he wants to take them on in tonight’s main event. He laughs at Noble, then slaps him in the face. Noble slaps him back. Rollins lunges but Mercury gets in his way and says that they’ve defended Rollins — but, tonight, they’re gonna kick his ass.
MATCH #4: Dolph Ziggler vs. Kane Whoa, we haven’t seen this match before. I can hardly wait. Ziggler hits a dropkick, sending Kane into the corner. Ziggler goes for a splash but Kane belts him in the face. Lana, meanwhile, stands halfway down the aisle as Kane hits uppercuts. Long headlock spot with Ziggler finally hitting a chinbreaker to escape. Kane grabs him, however, and it’s a Side Suplex for two. Kane punches Ziggler in the corner and then hits a hard knee to Ziggler’s head. Kane hits a scoop slam for a one-count. Ziggler comes back, kicking Kane in the head but Kane picks him up and hits a Sidewalk Slam for two. When we come back from a commercial, Ziggler hits the Fame-Asser and gets a near fall. Ziggler tries the Superkick but Kane catches his foot and goes for the Chokeslam. Ziggler counters and does hit the Superkick. Both men go down…and here comes Rusev on crutches because, oh yeah, Lana’s still out there on the ramp in case you care. Lana takes a weird fall off the ramp and does something to her ankle. Kane grabs Ziggler on the distraction and hits a Chokeslam to end this bullshit at 9:46. WINNER: Kane via Chokeslam
RATING: 1/2 a *. A match that served no purpose and that ended because Ziggler was concerned about his new g/f with whom he has no chemistry whatsoever.
Post-match, trainers and Ziggler tend to Lana as Cole acts like Lana took a dive off the Titantron.
Meanwhile, Ambrose is still on Bourbon Street, touring New Orleans.
J&J are talking backstage. Noble and Mercury agree that Rollins is getting cocky.
NEXT: MizTV starring Ryback and Big Show.
A bunch of people resembling models and bodybuilders are the Top 40 Tough Enough finalists.
Backstage, trainers tend to Lana backstage.
Miz is in the ring, dressed like a Muslim woman and welcomes everyone to MizTV. He recaps last week when Big Show clocked him and robbed him of an IC Title shot. Ryback hits the ring and says that HE was robbed of a chance to beat up Miz. Miz does his “how dare you” spot. Ryback interrupts him and says that he thinks he’s big but Damien Sandow outclassed him the entire time they were together. Ryback says that, had they wrestled, Ryback would have taken years off Miz’s career. Miz calls him “ugly” and says there’s only one pretty face and it’s Miz. They argue over crowd chants until Big Show shows up. The crowd chants that the chair Show’s sitting in is gonna break. Show tells them that the chair won’t break. He talks up his own strength and says he can break whatever he wants and can take whatever he wants. Ryback says that he has no issue with fighting Show. He’s not afraid of him…unlike Miz. Ryback stands and so does Show. Miz tries to get them to fight. Show tells him to shut up or else he’ll shut Miz’s mouth. Miz attacks Show. Show nails him, then tosses Ryback into his chair. He clotheslines Miz out of the ring. Ryback comes to and hits Shell Shock on Show to end the segment. Crowd liked that.
MATCH #5: Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito) vs. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan The announcers talk about Rowan and Harper as if they’re the most awesome tag team in the entire universe even though we’ve seen them twice on RAW in the last month or so. Harper and Rowan beat up on one of the matadors. Harper hits a huge boot to the face and it’s Rowan’s turn. Rowan hits a Warrior Splash for two. Torito gets up on the mat to cheer his team but Rowan knocks him off. Diego goes to take care of Torito as Harper and Rowan hit 3D to win it at 2:18. WINNERS: Harper & Rowan
RATING: n/a – squash
Crowd chants “3D” as Harper grabs a mic and says that the time for everyone to pay for their sins is coming. Rowan says it’s ok to be afraid. Everyone should be.
Backstage, Kane laughs at Ambrose’s Instagram and mocks Rollins. Rollins isn’t happy. Kane says that Rollins is in a no-win situation. If Rollins wins on Sunday, Kane’s gonna come down the aisle with the MITB case. Rollins says he’s gonna teach J&J a lesson — then Ambrose — then Kane. Kane says that he’s interested to see if that will happen…because he’s gonna be in J&J’s corner tonight.
WWE congratulates itself for having more followers than ESPN, HBO — and GATORADE!!! SUCK IT, HYDRATION!!!
Ambrose is on his way to the arena. He has a ticket to tonight’s show.
Cole plugs “Ted 2” and we get a fucking trailer.
MATCH #6: Big E (w/ Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods) vs. Titus O’Neil (w/ Darren Young) Holy shit, this crowd is asleep. E puts Titus to the mat, then punches at him. He kicks Titus, then claps in his face. More punching and an Abdominal Stretch. Another kick to Titus’s ribs and more clapping. Titus finally fights back, then punches at E in the corner. He slaps E’s chest, then just throws E across the ring and hits shoulderblocks. Titus puts E in the corner and more punches. Titus hits a huge shoulderblock. Woods starts shoving Young outside. Titus grabs Woods by his hair. Kofi hits the mat. E grabs Titus and hits the Big Ending on the distraction to end it at 3:10. WINNER: Big E via Big Ending
RATING: 1/4 of a *. Not even a match and makes the challengers look horrible heading into MITB.
The New Day celebrates as Roman Reigns’ music hits. He heads to the ring. He takes on Kofi after break.
MATCH #7: Kofi Kingston (w/ Big E & Xavier Woods) vs. Roman Reigns Kofi hits a headlock. Reigns escapes and hits a shoulder tackle. More hot headlock action but Reigns escapes again and flips Kofi to the mat and outside. Kofi, Woods and E huddle. They surround the ring and Reigns just stands there and falls for it like a giant dope. Kofi attacks and puts Reigns in the corner, hitting shoulder rams while Woods rants. Kofi runs at Reigns who grabs him for a Samoan Drop. Kofi kicks out but Reigns hits a HUGE clothesline and then sends Kofi out of the ring. Reigns follows him and tosses Kofi’s head into the announce table. Reigns hits the Sitting Dropkick and gets back into the ring. He goes for a Suicide Dive at the entire New Day but they move out of the way. Reigns runs at them from another angle and ends up nailing Woods. Kofi hits a missile dropkick from inside the ring. When we come back, Kofi hits a dropkick to Reigns, then kicks him in the back, getting two. Reigns escapes a headlock but Kofi trips Reigns, knocking him to the mat. Kofi goes top rope with a nice Double Axehandle for two. Reigns gets to his feet and hits clotheslines, then puts Kofi in a corner. He rushes and splashes Kofi. Reigns hits a Gut Wrench Slam for two. Kofi kicks at Reigns and tries the SOS but Reigns counters with a Sitting Powerbomb for two. Reigns goes for a Superman Punch. E interferes but Reigns sends him off the mat. Woods attacks but backs off. Kofi tries a roll-up with a handful of tights but Reigns kicks out. Kofi goes top tope but Reigns counters with a Superman Punch on the way down to win the match at 12:07. WINNER: Roman Reigns via Superman Punch
RATING: **. Kofi really carried this match with pure physicality and Woods with his verbal shenanigans and trolling. Other than that, this match was so-so with Reigns suddenly popping up and winning.
Post-match, Reigns grabs a chair at ringside and waits…Dean Ambrose arrives to take a seat at ringside. Reigns hands him the chair so he can sit down.
Triple H and Steph watch this backstage. Rollins approaches them. Steph asks if Rollins needs something. Rollins says nothing even though he wants to. He walks off for his match.
When we come back for break, it’s the Handicap Match and we’re two minutes into the overrun. Lovely.
MATCH #8: Seth Rollins vs. J&J Security (Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury) (w/ Kane) Mercury and Rollins start. Rollins puts Mercury in a wristlock but Mercury reverses it. Rollins counters that and Noble tags in. Ambrose barks at Rollins. Already, this has gone on too long. Noble eats a shoulderblock and Rollins tosses him and Mercury out of the ring as the crowd maps the quickest way out of the building. J&J surround the ring with Kane on the other side. J&J swarm Rollins and clothesline him out of the ring as the crowd kinda wakes up. Rollins ends up next to Ambrose who dumps popcorn on Rollins’ head. Rollins gets back into the ring and runs into a Mercury dropkick and an armbar. Rollins counters with a short-arm clothesline, then knocks Noble off the mat. Rollins tosses Mercury into the crowd barrier outside, then stomps a mudhole in Mercury. He tosses Mercury into the barrier in front of Ambrose, who gives not one shit. He drinks soda and laughs at Rollins. Rollins is furious and rolls Mercury back into the ring.
He splashes Mercury, then taunts Noble. He stomps at the hands of Mercury as part of the crowd half-heartedly chants for Joey Mercury by default. Rollins locks Mercury in a chinlock as Ambrose pounds the barrier in front of him to fire up J&J. Rollins misses a top rope attack, then a corner splash and Mercury makes a hot tag to Noble. Noble hits a lariat and then just crashes into Rollins. He hits a Swinging Neckbreaker and NEARLY gets a fall. Noble goes top rope but Rollins knocks him off. Rollins tries a suplex but Mercury grabs Rollins’ leg. Noble falls on him for a two count. Chaos on the ring with a ton of counters before Rollins puts Mercury to the mat. He goes for a Buckle Bomb, tossing Mercury into Noble. Rollins slaps at Noble’s face and goes for a Pedigree but Ambrose pops out of his seat, then tosses the title at Rollins. Rollins grabs it. Mercury rolls Rollins up to win it at 9:00. WINNERS: J&J Security
RATING: **. This was your basic overbooking nonsense with the underdog heroes getting the unlikely win. Of course, that means Rollins is gonna close this sucker at MITB.
Post-match, Rollins hoists the belt, bragging in Kane’s face — but Ambrose attacks him and hits Dirty Deeds, taking the title away from Rollins once again. Ambrose grabs a ladder and climbs it, holding the title up while Rollins glares.
OVERALL: **. Ok RAW. I didn’t expect much but I figured there was going to be more to this than what I just saw. The whole Lone Wolf Rollins angle is pointless as hell — especially when we all know it isn’t going anywhere. Money in the Bank is not something I’m looking forward to. Bayless is on the same line of thought. There’s nobody there I’d like to see pull down the case and the status quo is going to continue with Rollins keeping the title, even though he jobs as much as Barrett does. I’ve actually really enjoyed Ambrose having the Championship. It’s really too bad they didn’t convince much of anyone that Ambrose should stay the “champion”. Even if it’s not Ambrose, the whole “Authority controls who’s champion” angle needs to die soon. It weighs down everything.
And, of course…the Best of Monday Night Open Mic:
Regarding Neville and the “Man That Gravity Forgot” thing:
Potentially the most beautiful cast that will soon be gracing our TV screens, Shadowhunters adds David Castro to their roster as vampire Raphael Santiago. Raphael is a part of the local New York vampire clan and will play an interesting role in the lives of Clary Fray and her friends. If you read the books, you totally know what I’m talking about!
David Castro as Raphael Santiago
The first episode has finished filming and the cast and crew are hard at work filming episode two. YES PLEASE!
Check out these behind the scenes images from McG, Ed Decter and the rest of the cast below. We get all sorts of goodies from seeing Isabelle’s whip (though where is her necklace??), how the Shadowhunter runes will look like, Simon’s van, a demon in full makeup, the Institute, and so much more!
After last week’s thrilling episode, “Hardhome“, I thought it would be difficult for Game of Thrones to reach that excitement level again this season. While “The Dance of Dragons” didn’t quite match up to the icy White Walker massacre in the north, it did give us plenty of fire to keep us warm until the final episode. (Eh? EH? Oh, alright. I know it was cheesy.)
Braavos
Get your oysters, clam, and cockles! Arya continues her sales job and Ned’s head is rolling in his grave that a daughter of his got suckered into a seafood pyramid-scheme. As part of her Faceless Man training, Arya has to poison the Thin Man with her oysters, but things get a bit slippery when Mace Tyrell and his Lannister thugs guards arrive in Braavos. Their arrival isn’t as grand as one would expect, given that he is an envoy for the crown of Westeros. But hey, the crown is so in debt they should probably file bankruptcy, so it’s not like the Iron Bank is going to make them feel welcome. Meryn “fookin'” Trant gets off one of the boats and Arya’s death list flashes before her eyes. She follows him around town with her cart of oysters, as one does when trying to be stealthy, and ends up in a brothel. Meryn Trant seems to recognize Arya for a moment but then carries on with his nonchalant, disgusting pedophilia while Arya returns to the House of Black and White and lies to Jaqen about her whereabouts.
The Wall
Jon returns to Castle Black with a few hundred new friends and the brothers of the Night’s Watch aren’t exactly pleased about it. Alliser Thorne warns Jon about his good heart and then Olly gives him the stink eye, which doesn’t bode well for the Lord Commander. Even Sam “I know less than Jon” Tarly suspects something is up. A side note: I’m not sure why Jon decides to bring the wildlings in through the north gate. Let’s take a look at the map, shall we?
Why in the world, with white walkers chasing him, would Jon willingly return Stannis’ ships back to their original position (like it’s some kind of car rental situation), and risk walking through the snow NORTH OF THE WALL, when the group could have traveled more safely south of it? (And also putting Stannis’ ships in a better location.) You know nothing, Jon Snow.
Outside of Winterfell
WHAT THE WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
It looks like Ramsay and his twenty good men get the job done by burning down most of Stannis’ supplies and horses. I can’t say I’m surprised Stannis gets desperate and goes along with Melisandre’s burninating plans; this is the man who murdered his brother because he believed it was his right to take the throne by any means necessary. It’s not like he gets sound advice from the Red Woman.
I SAID CONSUMMATE V’S.
Sadly, Shireen’s death has been foreshadowed for a long time now. Selyse talks of burning her daughter every chance she gets and once Davos gives the princess a gift and shares a sweet reading moment, we knew her fate was sealed. (Noticing a trend?) I’m making light of this death because frankly, I’m devastated. Shireen’s death has hit me harder than any other on the show. Not only because she was a young girl, but because of all the characters, she was a ray of sunshine, a beacon of hope that there is goodness in the world and maybe, just maybe, the good guys have a chance of winning. Alas, Melisandre came in like a wrecking ball and set fire to the joint. Stannis stands there stoically as his daughter, his heir, burns to death and it’s Selyse “I keep dead fetuses in jars” Baratheon who stands up and says, “Whoa, this is wrong. Stop this.” If SELYSE thinks something is fucked up, you take that to the bank and reconsider whatever it is you’re doing. But Stannis doesn’t waver in his decision-making and on he goes to fulfill a destiny.
Dorne
FINALLY we get to see something in Dorne worthwhile. The whole plot is still the worst on the show, but at least show watchers now get to appreciate the glory that is Doran “The Dude” Martell. He’s basically the love child of Ned Stark and Tywin Lannister so that means he’s probably got about three episodes into season six before biting it. He agrees to return Myrcella to King’s Landing and in exchange, Trystane will join her to keep their betrothal in tact. Bronn gets an elbow to the nose but otherwise is allowed to leave the dungeons unscathed. The Sand Snakes prove to be even more useless as they slap fight in their cell. Jaime sits there and looks pretty.
Ellaria Sand, however, becomes more interesting. She still loathes the Lannisters but as she empathizes with Jaime’s romantic struggle, I found myself liking her more. She knows she made a mistake going against Prince Doran’s wishes, and swears her fealty, but I’m not entirely sure I believe she’s done getting revenge against the Lannisters. That being said, no one has died in Dorne yet, so the sandy home of poisonous snakes and vicious spear-wielders is currently the safest place in the world. They’ve stayed true to their word–not a single little girl has been harmed thus far in Dorne.
MeereeN
The grand re-opening of Meereen’s fighting pits is finally here and Dany could not care less about watching men die for sport. After five seasons of Game of Thrones, I share her sentiments. I’m beginning to tire of watching people die so I really hope she makes it to Westeros soon to bring some hope to the people. And fire to the White Walkers. Tyrion joins Dany and Hizdahr at the festivities and while arguing with Hizdahr over tradition, we see how much the two have in common. Bringing them together puts everyone else in the world at a disadvantage and I, for one, am completely okay with this development.
Jorah makes his appearance in the fighting pits and I’m reminded of how much I love the scenes between him and Dany, sharing poignant moments full of emotion without words. I know he’s old, hairy, and slightly creepy, but just let me ship them until Jorah evolves into Golem, okay? Ser Jorah puts on a good showing and with some luck, manages to win his match. One thing that surprised me during this scene was how likable Daario was. Usually he’s an annoying fly, buzzing around Dany and whispering terrible things in her ear, but standing guard over her, he knows how much the old knight means to her and rightfully tells Hizdahr to shut his mouth when he tries to hurry Dany into allowing the fight.
It is after Jorah’s victory, however, that all hell breaks loose and suddenly the Sons of the Harpy have Dany and Co. surrounded. The ineptitude of the Unsullied continues as they take on the role of storm troopers, turning their backs to the enemy, and dying left and right. Maybe Dany should ride Drogon back to Astapor and get a refund. However, this chaos did give us one of the, I think, most beautiful moments of the series:
The happiness I felt at the reunion was short-lived as the Sons of the Harpy murdered Hizdahr (didn’t see that coming) and then surrounded Dany and her council in the middle of the pits. It looks hopeless for the group–it’s not like they can trust the Unsullied anymore–and just as Dany resigns herself to her fate, Drogon makes an explosive entrance. In one of the most exciting scenes of the series, Drogon protects his mother from the Harpies, and then Khaleesi climbs on his back and rides off into the fiery sunset. I think there’s a reason she gets all of the best scenes.
Random Thoughts
I know Stannis is incredibly rigid in his leadership, but why, oh why, would he not have used Mance’s blood to help him win Winterfell? Bring him along for the burninating just in case? Burning his own daughter in front of all of his men can’t exactly inspire that much devotion. If he’s willing to sacrifice his own child, why would he care about their lives?
Davos is going to be so mad and I think this might be what finally drives the two apart.
I saw Brienne in the promo for next week. Here’s hoping she FINALLY does something.
It was really cool that Dany was able to ally herself with the Jedi before the Sons of the Harpy attacked.
What’s going on guys and gals! Welcome to round 3 of UN-Boxing Match, where I put subscription-based mystery boxes head to head, unbox them, and arbitrarily declare one a winner. This month we have the May editions of Loot Crate and Arcade Block! Let me know which box you think should have won.
In The Martian, humanity’s manned mission to Mars is ended quickly when a storm on the surface of the red planet causes the crew to abandon the mission. Unfortunately, Astronaut Mark Watney has been stranded on the planet. Equipped with supplies that should only last him a month, Watney must find a way to survive and send a signal back to Earth to let them know he is still alive.
But don’t worry, Watney is ready to “science the shit” out of everything in order to survive.
Official synopsis:
During a manned mission to Mars, Astronaut Mark Watney (Matt Damon) is presumed dead after a fierce storm and left behind by his crew. But Watney has survived and finds himself stranded and alone on the hostile planet. With only meager supplies, he must draw upon his ingenuity, wit and spirit to subsist and find a way to signal to Earth that he is alive. Millions of miles away, NASA and a team of international scientists work tirelessly to bring “the Martian” home, while his crewmates concurrently plot a daring, if not impossible rescue mission. As these stories of incredible bravery unfold, the world comes together to root for Watney’s safe return. Based on a best-selling novel, and helmed by master director Ridley Scott, THE MARTIAN features a star studded cast that includes Jessica Chastain, Kristen Wiig, Kate Mara, Michael Peña, Jeff Daniels, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and Donald Glover.
When we last left off with this silly-ass nonsense excuse for a TV show, Kupah was refusing to be sent home by Kaitlyn, as he chewed his ice nervously and drank his alcoholic beverage with the rage of Mike Tyson in a bad mood. He had taken his anger outside, where he was berating a producer or camera-man or something (it was unclear who the man was that Kupah was yelling at). Then, the show ended with a big TO BE CONTINUED, and now here we go again with this childishness …
Kupah continues screaming into the cameras: “Maybe this process works for some people, like Cupcake (that would be Chris the dentist), but not me. This sucks!!!” Kaitlyn hears this loser screaming like a maniac, and she goes outside to confront him. “I can hear you screaming from inside. What is going on?”, she asks him. He starts pouting all over again. “I don’t wanna go home. I came here to fall in love with you, and I don’t want to leave.” She basically tells him yet again, that he is indeed going home. He finally seems to get the hint and says in a half-assed voice: “I wont yell anymore. Sorry.” Dude, yell all you want from your sad limo. Who cares NOW? Your ass is gone. As he is leaving, he turns to cameras and mock-whispers: “Is this better? I’m going to whisper now. No more yelling. I don’t even like her anyway. Sucks. This sucks. Wow.” The man-child gets into the sad limo and goes away .
Kaitlyn goes back inside and cries tears into camera: “When people walk out of here insulting me, that really kills me. That just came out of nowhere.” She takes the other remaining man-children inside to explain to them that Kupah is gone. Then Pimp Daddy Harrison returns from beating one-off in the Fantasy Suite to tell everyone that it’s now time for the Rose Ceremony. What on earth would we do without him to inform us of our next move???
During the Rose Ceremony, the camera pans to different men all saying why they want to stay and being overly dramatic. Non-Healer Tony’s little monologue is the funniest, as usual. He explains: “I stepped away from all the things I love to come here. My dog, and my Bonsai Tree. I have a gypsy soul.” Good for you, whackjob. Looks like that bonsai tree will have to do without you awhile longer. He gets a rose. Someone named Daniel and someone named Corey both are sent home. They are both nondescript, boring, vague-looking, no-personality white dudes. Their stories are so dull that the show doesn’t even show their reactions to being sent home. Bye, Felicias!
Meanwhile, back at Alcoholic Mansion …. in the middle of the night, 2 Sumo Wrestlers show up to the house and wake the men up by ringing gongs and scaring the crap out of them. There is a Group Orgy (sorry … date) involving some of the men, but ALL of the men take part by watching . The Sumo Champs lead the men through some Sumo training, after putting them in the most obnoxiously humiliating “man-diaper” outfits imaginable. JJ says: “Everyone has a really good ass, except Tony.” Okay then. Kaitlyn says: “Everything is hanging out. I’m seeing junk everywhere.” Sounds lovely. Jared notes: “Joe’s left nut is hanging out the entire time.” Cupcake is terrified to get in the ring. Jonathan calls it “the power of manmeat.” I have no clue what that means. Tony , as usual, takes the event way too seriously and starts to get upset and leaves the area to go pout. Kaitlyn finds him and they attempt to have a serious discussion while he is in a man-thong-diaper. JJ cuts in out of nowhere and tells Healer he is upsetting Kaitlyn. Healer Tony yells “You get the fuck out of here right now.” Jonathan pulls Kaitlyn out of the situation altogether, and tells cameras that JJ made things worse by going over there, and added fuel to the fire. A few minutes later, Kaitlyn goes over to a different nondescript area and talks to “I Cant Heal Shit” Tony some more, about what his fucking problem is. “I have a lot to offer”, he blabs like an infant. His manboobs pulsate and he continues to blather on about nothing. She leaves him alone to think. The rest of the men do an exhibition for the crowd of people. She wonders if Tony will show up. He doesn’t. The men disrobe again, and JJ and Joe go at it in match one. Joe is distracted by JJ’s back acne and loses the match. Next up is Joe and Clint. Clint picks up Joe like a baby and tosses him all over the place. More men in diapers fight. It is all pointless.
Meanwhile, Healer of Nothing Tony is packing his bags to leave. Why?? Still no idea, really. This show is really good at creating drama about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I still have no clue what the hell even happened that he is so damn upset about. Apparently he didn’t like the Sumo Wrestling thing, so now he is leaving. He talks to Jonathan at the mansion, saying “I can’t do all this ‘whose dick is biggest’ type stuff contests. Love can only be real when its shared. I don’t want to be part of this.” Dramatic much? He meets with Kaitlyn outside to tell her he is leaving. “I can’t be a part of this circus”, he says. She puts up zero fight and basically says “K, bye” and he goes away in the sad limo.
The men have some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn outside. Clint is acting like a little baby suddenly, telling the other guys “Hey, she can come to ME. I’m not chasing her down. If she wants to talk, she can talk to me.” JJ is nosy and thinks this is a bad strategy for Clint (why does he give a shit?), and tells cameras that. Shawn and Kaitlyn kiss and she gives him the group date rose. Clint is even more pissy now because he didn’t get the rose. “I’m frustrated. Obviously.” Then, out of ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOWHERE, Clint tells cameras: “Kaitlyn is probably not the right girl for me. But there are other relationships in the house that I’m enjoying. JJ is a good dude. I love spending time with him. He’s got a lot of levels.” Riiiiight. Like the LEVEL where he pretends to be straight and so do you, but you’re secretly getting it on in the Fantasy Suite? (after Pimp Daddy Harrison is finished jacking off, of course. Or he watches.) Or maybe its the LEVEL where the producers of the show clearly paid these two dudes off to be on the show as “straight” men who then are into one another. There is no way in hell this just happened organically. Yeah right. Neither of them seem to have ANY issues with it. Suddenly you’re just into guys one day out of nowhere, and you have ZERO reaction to that? Come on now. It is ludicrous. Need ratings much?
Kaitlyn gets a Date Card from Pimp Daddy that says “Be prepared for anything.” Ben with a Z gets the same thing. The card brings them both to a building where Harrison awaits. He tells them that their date takes place inside of a room they will be locked inside of, and have to work together to figure out the code and get out. Like a horror movie, but lame. Apparently Kaitlyn has an intense fear of birds, so birds are everywhere and she is already freaking out and holding on for dear life to Ben with a Z and his arm. The room is dark and nasty. Lights flicker. Blood on the walls. Limbs hanging. Maggots and spiders in drawers. Dead roaches. Ben has to reach into a toilet covered in snakes for one of the clues. Suddenly its “Fear Factor” . The final clue is a blacklight that then shows the letters to what the word is for the computer code. The word ends up being ROSES. Gee, how original. They could have just guessed that right away and not gone through any of this other crap. After the scary part of the date, they go back to her “place” and order pizza. Ben with a Z tells her how he didn’t cry when his mom died, and he hasn’t cried since. He hasn’t cried in eleven years. Gee, that sounds healthy. Huge red flag screaming EMOTIONALLY STUNTED!!!!! But of course, Kaitlyn sees none of this, they kiss in the hot tub, she gives him the rose.
The second Group Orgy / Date involves Joshua, Jonathan, Ben with an H, Jared, Ryan, and stupidly-named Tanner. They go to an elementary school and become substitute teachers in a Health class. Their topics are Sex Ed, and the kids they are teaching this stuff to are …. KIDS. Like, 10 and 11 year olds. I found this segment creepy, even after Kaitlyn explained to cameras that it was all a “prank” and the kids were actors. I still think its creepy and weird for a date on this show to be put together where adult men are talking to little kids about puberty, periods, and wet dreams. It was just uncomfortable and bizarre to watch and I didn’t really understand the point of it. Then again, whats the point to this whole show? Nothing. Ryan talks about the vagina to the children, while Josh discusses sex itself. Jonathan gets asked what a wet dream is, and Josh tells the girls that the lining in their uterus is going to “shed” and get thin. Ewwww!!! Ben H. describes how the egg and sperm meet to make a baby, and he talks about how two people fall in love, using Kaitlyn as his muse. HIs was the least creepy as he at least tried to make it sweet and gave it a story. Afterwards, they each get private time with Kaitlyn. She makes out with Ben and Jared, and her and Jared go back to her hotel room and hang out there for what looked like a long time. Ben gets the rose. Jared is sad.
Meanwhile, at “Half These Dudes are Gay” Castle, the other men are noticing the gay vibes between Clint and JJ. Justin says “there’s a bro-mance going on. They have some one on one deep love going on.” Shawn notes that “Clint and JJ are doing weird stuff.” Clint tells the cameras “I have connected with JJ more than with Kaitlyn. We got really close in the room, and in the shower.” He just tosses that out there like its nothing. Again, no reaction to his own SUDDEN INTEREST IN MEN. Riiiiiight ………
At the cocktail party, JJ tells cameras that he would like to see 4 or 5 guys go home tonight, and he wants himself and Clint to remain. Wouldnt it be easier if you and Clint simply LEFT and went on to have your gay adventures??? No, of course not. Because then you couldn’t create drama and be paid off to cause tension in the house and have Kaitlyn start to fall for someone who is showering with another man in the house. Clint tells cameras: “I need to get a rose tonight so I can stay because my time with JJ is insanely enjoyable. I love JJ.” Really?? You LOVE him now? WTF?
Clint pleads his case with Kaitlyn to stay by taking her aside and apologizing to her for his behavior during the Sumo date and how he was ignoring her. He doesn’t mention to her that he is randomly into cock now. Instead, he makes up some crap about the Sumo dude putting his man-diaper on too tight so his balls were up inside himself and therefore, he didn’t “have the balls” to talk to her. Lame!!! She falls for it, thinks it’s the funniest thing anyone has ever said, and tells cameras that he has redeemed himself. Then they kiss. Then Clint tells cameras: “I’m not really interested in Kaitlyn. But I need a cock … I mean … a rose … tonight.” He said rose. But he meant cock. He then goes over to JJ and flirts with him. “It’s funny how cute you are and how beautiful your jaw-line is.” Your JAWLINE? Really? That’s your idea of a good pick-up line? Who compliments someone’s jaw??? What a douche. Meanwhile, lots of other men use their time with Kaitlyn to inform her that Clint and JJ might not be here for the “right reasons.” (the show’s favorite phrase) They fail to mention that the two are super gay for each other, but they just say that Clint is “two-faced” and they play villians. Josh is the most specific with her, and she thanks him for his honesty and agrees there are just “too many red flags.” She pulls Clint aside, and she tells cameras: “Clint has no idea whats in store for him. He is going to go down in flames.” Or he is going to go down on J.J. Whichever happens first.
TO BE CONTINUED ………..
Next Week: Healer Tony tragically dies from overly meditating. Clint and JJ shower together in Pimp Daddy Harrison’s shower. J.J. is asked to be in a commercial about beautiful jaw-lines. Ben with a Z practices crying, but sadly, can only fart repeatedly. He pays Britt to give him lessons on how to cry. Pimp Daddy Harrison gets intimate with a rose.
While comedies don’t typically have a season the way action flicks or arthouse pics do, there are few things I enjoy more than the R-rated summer comedy. Some of the most lasting films in the genre were summer releases that flew under the radar to delight unaware audiences. Wedding Crashers, 40 Year-Old Virgin, and The Hangover, all opened in these summer months and went on to obtain cult status; I think they might have some new company.
Writer-director Paul Feig’s action-comedy, Spy, is everything I wanted (and selfishly expected) from the person who had a hand in giving us Bridesmaids and The Heat. But honestly, why shouldn’t I have had such lofty expectations? Because along with Feig, comes Melissa McCarthy – the best part of these past two films (and I’ll fight anybody who says otherwise) – playing the lead role of Susan Cooper, a CIA agent turned analyst, turned back to Agent after a leak renders all their top assets null and void.
McCarthy delivers an amazing performance that is vulnerable, awkward, intelligent, acerbic, and above all else hilarious, as she waffles between fish out of water and badass agent. What’s more impressive is that McCarthy essentially takes on two roles. In her past movies, she usually filled scenes as the zany “yin” to whoever the straight-laced “yang” was acting opposite her. However in Spy she does both, shouldering the role as a serious protagonist, emotionally vulnerable to Jude Law’s Bradley Fine – a Bondian-style agent she assists from her basement cubicle in Langley – and scared shitless while persuing her dream to be out in the field. Unsurprisingly she also delivers a signature Melissa McCarthy performance that uses her physicality and exceptional delivery (especially if a swear word is involved) to constantly entertain for the film’s two hours.
Save for the few opening minutes which sets the typical spy-thriller tone, the film rests squarely on McCarthy’s ability.That’s not to say that she isn’t surrounded by a more than capable cast. Rose Byrne, another actress Feig brings in from Bridesmaids, plays the main antagonist, Rayna Boyonov, and delivers some of the classiest insults I’ve ever heard. Miranda Hart plays Nancy, Susan’s best friend and fellow analyst and delivers some great lines. But if anyone had a chance at stealing a scene away from McCarthy it was Jason Statham, a death-defying rogue agent who’s either really good or really bad at his job. The character is more than a wink at his past filmography, as he lists his close brushes with death.
Spy reminds me of 2008’s Get Smart, another action-comedy released during the summer. The two follow basically the same premise of desk jockey turned special agent, and both films use their main actor’s ability to deliver slapstick buffoonery to entertain the audience. But Spy eclipses any merit Get Smart had, solely because they didn’t pull any punches and embraced the R-rating. Not only is this apparent in the delightfully harsh language but also in its graphic fight scenes.
Spy‘s essence can be summed up in one of these scenes. In it, Melissa McCarthy battles one of the film’s highly trained assassins who wields a kitchen knife while McCarthy turns her defense with a skillet into an offense. It’s an example of how even though McCarthy’s character might not fit the mold or carry out her duties in the most conventional manner; she can get the job done in her own way.
Lost Girl Season 5, Episode 8: “End of Faes″ Air date: June 4, 2015 Grade: B
The gang in Lost Girlcleans up real nicely as they are invited in a fancy party by the ancient Faes under the guise of honoring Bo, but naturally more underhanded things are afoot. We also finally see daddy Hades in the flesh (sorta) and surprisingly the meet and greet is not quite what his daughter was expecting.
In the aftermath of Tamsin’s rejection last week, she’s decided to vacate the premises with a protesting Bo who doesn’t want to loose another important person in her life. Bravo to the Valkyrie for putting herself first. Bo should understand that Tamsin can’t just switch from being in love with her to just friends again overnight. Before heading over to Motel 6, she hands the succubus an invitation with the triskele seal on it.
At The Dal we find out that Dyson, Lauren, and Trick all received invitations of their own except poor Vex! It is a little weird that Vex (a powerful Mesmer) didn’t get an invitation while Lauren did. Though Lauren did change the Morrigan into a human so she gets points for that. Bo thinks that this is all connected to her father and the gang decides that they should attend the soiree to find out what’s really going on. Dyson even brings Mark along whom he thinks is ready for his first mission, despite still not having shifted yet.
The game plan is to somehow figure out the ancients’ weaknesses and then take them down. In the elevator on the way up to said party, Lauren asks if this could be a trap. OF COURSE IT’S A TRAP. Parties thrown by people killing ancient Faes don’t exactly scream warm and fuzzy. Still, they soldier on and are greeted with a boisterous crowd there to welcome Bo. Are we really surprised? Nope.
Dyson is on Hera duty with Lauren giving him an injection of bug spray to prevent another lord of the flies attack, Trick will watch the crowd for unusual activity (but really he just wanted to be by the clam dip station), Mark is to search for Iris (the goddess of the rainbow and Hera and Zeus’s little daughter/pet), Lauren is collecting DNA samples, and Bo plans to greet their hostess Zeus.
Before Lauren and Bo go their separate ways, Bo tells the doctor that there’s always going to be reason why they shouldn’t be together and she doesn’t want to put off their relationship any longer. Tamsin’s earlier words that she and Lauren were always a couple even when they weren’t really must have struck a nerve. Speaking of the Valkyrie, she shows up at the party as well rocking a white back-revealing dress. Tamsin tells her that Dyson filled her in on “Operation Ancients Go History” and she’s game to play along, but obviously she’s still hurt and furious with Bo.
Bo manages to find Iris’s room where the two have a brief chat before Zeus/Zee enters the room. Zee waxes on about how she was Amun(Ra) in Egypt, Odin to the Vikings, Jupiter to the Romans and of course Zeus. She tells the succubus that she orchestrated this party to give Bo what she wants, emancipation from her father. You see it turns out that the glowing handprint on Bo’s neck is a direct link to Hades and whenever she’s fed, she’d also been sending energy to daddy dearest just like an umbilical cord.
Zee offers Bo and Trick the special, “Drink of Prophecy” which has Cassie and the other oracles’ eyeballs. EEWWW. Of course Bo is grossed out but Zee tells them to man up and just drink it so that they know she isn’t lying about the evil Hades will unleash. Sure enough, both Trick and his granddaughter witness the same vision of a park disintegrating into black nothingness. Zee promises that no one will get hurt if Bo agrees to do the ceremony, which she does naturally. At this point I feel like they should play The Emancipation of Mimi in the background.
Mark in the meantime finds Iris and the two decide to leave the party to get away from their parental units. Iris takes them to very nice empty house where the two fool around like typical rebellious teenagers. Except Iris is probably super old and I don’t really know how old Mark is. Things go downhill though soon after when would be shifter realizes that they are in the house of the family that Iris body snatched. He thinks its super messed up that they are there but Iris says its ok because Cee Cee (the original owner of her body) is still in her. Iris figures that she can take over Cee Cee’s life and be loved by real parents. Except it doesn’t work out that way because Cee Cee’s dad knows that it’s not really his daughter and that triggers Iris’s weird killing power. Mark sees the body on the floor with blood pooling into the triskele mark and he realizes that she’s been the one behind the murders. Poor Iris is super freaked out as well because Zee and Hera told her that those people were merely “sleeping” and that she was doing a good thing. Mark tells her to just get out of there and he’d take care of the body but he then gets stabbed by Cee Cee’s mom. That was first interesting thing the guy’s done yet.
Back at Olympus/the condo, Bo chooses a ceremonial rusty dagger that will be used to carve out the handprint from her chest when Tamsin and Lauren come rushing in having learned from Hera that Iris is actually stronger than the two ancients. Dyson then notices that his kid is gone too. Whoops! The gang goes off to find the kids while Tamsin stays behind. The two blondes have a moment on the balcony (where Cassie was thrown off fyi) and while Tamsin is about to cry, she gets lightning zapped. But don’t worry I don’t think she’s dead because her body is still there. Zee probably got tired of hearing her sob story.
Bo, Dyson, and Lauren head to a park where Bo first finds Iris. She tries to comfort the youngish ancient Fae since she understands what its like to hurt people without meaning to from not being able to control your abilities. But the succubus touches Iris’s face despite the girl’s angry warnings to stay away from her and Bo’s hand starts to turn black. Then part of the park becomes as dark as night, just like in her vision. Bo figures out that the darkness was because of Iris, not her father afterall.
She rushes back to The Dal to show Trick her hand and tell him how they interpreted the vision wrongly. Trick then consults some old books and discovers an entry on the Nyx, a primordial force of evil. Nyx was actually the Greek goddess of the night. Bo believes that Zee and Hera are using Iris as a time bomb with the power of Nyx within her. Trick pulls out another entry about a box made of adamantine that could contain something that evil. Well of course daddy’s gift becomes useful!
Back at the park, Dyson and Lauren find a bleeding Mark with Vex. Mark had apparently called Vex for help instead of his old man. Ouch. But also, I think Vex could use some love, even if it is from Mark. I bet Mark is gonna shift and then have his supernatural healing powers kick in soon. Though I would prefer if he didn’t make it. Is that terrible? Oh wells.
The succubus treks back to her house where Zee is there clutching the music box. They get into a fight but Bo comes out victorious thanks to her super strong black hand, which she uses to fling Zee out the door. The blonde begs Bo not to open the box, claiming that Hades will walk the earth if she does. Our heroine though finally has a breakthrough in her Oracle induced truth vision. We finally meet Hades and it’s Eric Roberts!!! He tells Bo not to be afraid and that there are far more terrible things out there than him. She’s still being angry and snarky but he continues saying, “You must stop them. Only family can destroy the ancients. Our power will decide the fate of this world. You will do things you don’t want to do. Lead our victory over night.” We can’t really blame her for the ‘tude since he keeps talking in riddles and going on about how that the answer lies with her.
The episode ends with Zee freaking out as Bo begins to wind the music box and is bathed in light when it opens. Could it really be the way for Hades to emerge from Tartarus? Is he truly as bad as he’s made out to be or is there some kind of crazy misunderstanding for his previously heinous acts? For all the torturing he did with Aoife, he seemed quite patient and calm in the brief conversation he had with his daughter. Though that could all be an act but Lost Girl certainly likes to keep us guessing. But I was expecting this super scary evil figure after all the build up from previous seasons.
I am bummed that Doccubus seems back on with Lauren telling Bo, “Oh boy” in the good way to Bo’s proposition un-pausing their relationship. But you know what, in the grand scheme of things Lauren is human and Bo and Dyson are not. So I can wait and will cling to the hope that Team Dyson does win in the end (even after the show is over!!!).
We’re halfway done through the final season and there needs to be an epic showdown at some point and everyone’s storylines wrapped up. Here’s hoping Kenzi makes a comeback before the series finale!
Lost Girl airs Thursdays 10/9 central on Syfy.
Images courtesy of Syfy.
Degrassi fans…. I’m going to need you to take a seat.
TeenNick has announced Season 14 of Degrassi: The Next Generation will be its last. Not only will it be their last, the network plans on burning through the episodes of the final season in the span of two weeks. Starting July 20th with two back-to-back episodes, a new episode will run each weekday night (Monday-Friday), wrapping up the season in just eleven days. The series finale is slated to air on Friday, July 31.
In a statement TeenNick Senior Vice President and General Manager Keith Dawkins said, “For an incredible 14 seasons, Degrassi has been a groundbreaking show tackling so many important topics that real teens face in their everyday lives. We hope to say goodbye in a way that is both fitting to the show and Degrassi‘s passionate fan base.”
Stills from the film 'Macbeth' 2014.
Directed by Justin Kurzel, DoP Adam Arkapaw. Produced by Iain Canning, Laura Hastings-Smith & Emile Sherman
Unit stills Photography by Jonathan Olley
Michael Fassbender and Marion Cotillard make a dangerous yet fascinating pair as Macbeth and Lady Macbeth in Julian Kurzel’s upcoming film based on the tragic William Shakespeare play.
The trailer is intense and eerie but it beautifully depicts the natural landscapes of Wales where Macbeth was mostly filmed.
Official synopsis:
From the Academy Award winning producers of The King’s Speech and acclaimed director Justin Kurzel, comes a visceral and visually breath-taking retelling of the classic tale about an ambitious Scottish lord who seizes the throne with the help of his wife. Starring Academy Award nominee Michael Fassbender and Academy Award winner Marion Cotillard, MACBETH is an epic cinematic experience.
The film also stars David Thewlis, Elizabeth Debicki, Jack Reynor, Sean Harris, and Paddy Considine. It will be released in the U.K. October 2 and in the U.S. sometime during the fall.
What did you think of the trailer? I think it may be time for me to dust off that very large volume of Shakespeare’s tragedies sitting on my bookshelf.
Previously on PLL:
All the Liars were arrested, but kidnapped before making it to the slammer. Mona is alive and is being forced to impersonate Alison. Jason’s newly discovered twin brother, ChArles, is A. But, most importantly, two of the parents (Mr. and Mrs. Hastings) FINALLY figure out their daughter is in danger. All caught up? Good! Now let’s get into that DOOOZZZEYYY of an episodes. And I mean DOOO-ZZZZZZ.
Right off the bat, we were introduced to this young lady.
Is it a Luna Lovegood? Is it a ghost? Nope, it’s just another girl Charles has kidnapped to impersonate his younger sister. FakeAlison watches as the liars charge through the hallway to make their quick escape. If you remember from last season, their hope of freedom was cut short. They aren’t free, but instead they are entrapped by an electric fence in the middle of the woods. Spencer assures the crew that they are DEFINITELY not being held captive in the Amazon, because that Waning Moon over yonder proves they are most certainly in the Northern Hemisphere.
To make their night even better, Charles pulls his Truman Show card and creates a thunderstorm for the viewers. The girls get even more worried as Emily points out that the fence acts like a giant lightning rod, and they’re gonna fry like eggs. Cue a montage of the Liars surviving the cruelty of Mother Nature throughout the night.
Is Spencer using her prom dress as a tarp?
And then this dialogue occurs: Hanna: How long can a person live without food. Mona: Three weeks. Spencer: Water’s another story, people can only go a few days.
Okay. Shit. Just. Got. REAL. Don’t get me wrong, I am fully enjoying this episode, but this is super intense. I feel like I am watching a hybrid of Criminal Minds and Law & Order: SVU with some Vampire Diaries thrown in the mix! These are STILL TEENAGERS here for goodness sake. The mood is lightened though when Emily out-grosses the rest by stating she would drink sweat off a jock strap (also Hanna, you can drink your pee to survive, but you can only do it once before you re-hydrate so save that pee drink!) The next morning the hatch door finally opens.While following the Yellow Light Road into A’s Kidnap Complex the Liars are greeted with sleeping gas, and we learn the reason for Charles’ gas masked gift to Mona last season.
In one of the creepier shots of Pretty Little Liars history, the girls wake up in a morgue, laying on metal slabs.
Two can keep a secret if four of us are dead
Emily looks under the white sheet and gasps “Thank God.” Phew, now we know they are clothed and were not raped. But no, she is just relieved that Charles did not harvest her organs. I am still hoping that the former didn’t happen either. They follow candy stripper Mona back to their rooms where they learn there is a fate worse than the electric fence, and it is called the Hole (yes we can make a quick reference to how this is an A-Hole and move on).
Three Weeks Later
The newly freed Alison is leading a press conference about the missing Liars and we learn that Andrew is now the sole suspect for this case. Wait hold everything. You are telling me that these girls, these TEENAGE GIRLS, have been held captive for three weeks. THREE WEEKS.
Anyway, Alison’s “heartfelt” speech about her missing besties was really part of an intricate plan to trap Andrew. Mr. D doesn’t want his precious Alison to be put in harm’s way but Det. Tanner assures him that Rosewood’s finest will be by her side. Phew, if Rosewood PD is on the case than no harm can be done. Two seconds later the house goes into high alert as they fear an intruder who turns out to just be Jason with take-out (OR IS IT CHARLES). They can’t relax for long because seconds later Alison receives a call in which only old timey song is on the other end. After keeping the caller on the line long enough to track the call, they discover the call is coming from INSIDE OF THE HOUSE. This gives us the BEST scene EVER of Officer Toby Cavanaugh’s policing skills. In a weak, whiney voice he barges into a room demanding “Show me your hands. Let me see your hands.”
God, it was so entertaining, especially since the suspect was a doll dressed as a pig that just squealed at them. As expected, this was all a ruse. The phone call was really a message from the Scooby Squad, calling Alison to action and the press conference was really a secret message to tell “Andrew” to meet her at the kissing rock. When Ali gets to the kissing rock, there is a car waiting for her with a loaded GPS. Good thing Caleb made those super spy tracking shoes for Alison to wear. Caleb and Ezra trail Ali’s car, and bicker like a very old unhappy married couple and make sure to call Toby when things go south. Oh man, I wish Paige was part of this rag-tag team still.
Ali reaches her destination when she pulls up to Pennsylvania’s Tyler State Park, which in PLL-verse could span from a 10 minute to 4 hours away drive from Rosewood. Upon discovering that her cellphone does not work out in the wilderness, she presses the blue button for OnStar Assistance. For reasons unbeknownst to me, she is surprised that A has hijacked the OnStar Services of this mysterious car she found in the woods that contained a pre-loaded GPS route.
When Caleb arrives at the car he discovers his ingenious idea of a GPS shoe was undermined when Charles forced Alison to change her wardrobe.
Luckily, Ali left some breadcrumbs for them to follow.
Kidnap Complex
In the Kidnap Complex, the Liars emerge from their respective room wearing outfits circuit Season 1: Spencer is wearing argyle; Aria has pink highlights and is wearing god knows what (she must have been allowed to use product in captivity because those waves are on point); Emily is decked out in Sharks gear; Hanna looks fairly normal. It seems that this is the first time they have been allowed to see each other, or even leave their room in three weeks.
Emily: I would ask if you were okay but, I just … Aria: Let’s not talk about what we just went through. At least not until we get out of here. Spencer: I don’t know if I can even find the words.
I can’t figure out how I am supposed to react to their reaction of being held captive for nearly a month. They are obviously emotionally distraught, run down, and scared, but they still look at it as a thing A is putting them through! I just can’t wrap my head around it. Just for a minute imagine all the liars grow up go to college and have kids. How the FUCK are they going to look back at their teenage years. “Remember that time when your girlfriend was killed, and your adult boyfriend was secretly spying on you to write a book and then we were locked in a Kidnap Complex for a month? Haha, those were the good old days.”
I might have to officially pull my Glee card out this season, and remind myself we are in PLL world, not the real world, so if a bedazzled microphone and a full band accompanies a character while singing in the streets of NYC, it is normal.
They follow Big Brother’s orders and proceed to Ali’s room which, as expected, is an exact replica of the Real Ali’s room. Charles even managed to snag memorabilia from Real Life Alison’s room! They use their Scooby powers and deduce that the reasons there is Real Life Alison memorabilia, and that they were forced to sign a “Welcome Home Ali” card is because Real Life Alison will soon be joining them in the Kidnap Complex. They proceed in unpacking Alison’s belonging, and reminisce about the things they let Ali do in their presence (aka Call Lucas Hermey and, you know, The Jenna Thing). Just as Spencer pulls out a toy train with the initials C.D. etched on the side, Aria summons her to the closet:
Aria: Spencer can you come here and help me? Spencer: I’m busy here sleuthing out on this wooden train. Can’t Hanna help? Aria: No, but I need my Sparia time! Spencer: You are right Aria, it has been three weeks.
Turns out, Mona left a message for the liars in the closet, and since it was about Mona being killed and all, Aria thought it was best Hanna didn’t see it first.
Mona, just this once, I forgive your grammatical error
The girls keep searching the Kidnap Complex and find that Charles has been stealing all of their shit for ages before he kidnapped them. They also find news articles about how their families are dealing with the loss, which apparently they did not even consider until they saw the clipping. Ugh, typical teens! Ashley has been so upset she was even hospitalized (poor Ashley). Next thing you know Spence starts bragging about being the reigning Third Grade Etch-a-Sketch queen. She won for precision, speed, accuracy and even creativity! But really, she is just boasting so she can write a secret message to the other Liars without Charles hearing.
Spencer, I’m not that impressed…
Now they all know that Charles is a D.
Later that night Spencer wrangles up the other liars and, while escaping, explains that there are 50 hidden anagrams throughout the Kidnap Complex that spell out Charles DiLaurentis. She also discovered how to access Charles private creepy vault/lair. Just as the ear-bleeding alarm goes off, Emily comes to the rescue and finds the secret air vent behind the bookcase to lead them to the vault (climbing through vaults, where is Caleb when need him).
And with that, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Liars have infiltrated A’s Lair! They turn the projector on to show the film of the D twins and baby Ali at the apple farm. Spencer stares into the camera and declares “Game on ChArles,” and proceeds to burn the film reel. The liars must get caught up in the moment, as Aria screams “Let’s torch the place,” and they literally proceed to light all dolls and anything wooden on fire. You guys are in a locked room and you are setting everything on fire. Do you see the issue in this plan? First, fire consumes oxygen. Second fire causes you to burn to death. I stand by my statement last night that this was hands down, the stupidest thing the Liars have ever done. All of them have done dumbass things on their own, like everything Aria had done in Season 4 and Spencer did in Season 5. As a group though, this has to be the dumbest. Dumb-est!
They quickly realize the errors of their ways nonchalantly and go “oh we can find a blanket and/or curtain to stop this raging fire.” They pull down the curtain and…. Dun. Dun. Dun. Charles is behind the curtain. With this turn of events, Emily decides that they should throw everything Charles could care about into the fire.
Oh Emily, that is exactly how you DON’T stop a fire. I guess killing A’s soul is more important than living. Emily’s plan ended up working because Charles couldn’t stand to see his childhood memories/ creepy lair burn to a crisp and triggered the fire alarm/sprinklers.
The A-Hole
While the Liars are released from their rooms, Mona is still stuck in the dreaded hole. I really hope that she hasn’t been in there for three weeks, especially because I’m not sure if it is indoors or out. Charles visits Mona in the hole and she delivers this heart wrenching speech.
Mona: I’m sorry I upset you. But if you let me out, I promise, I’ll be a good Ali. The best you’ll ever find. Just give me a chance and you’ll see.
Charles doesn’t listen to her plea, and walks away as Mona just screams “Please, no please. Don’t leave me here.” I think I feel worse for Mona than anyone else on the show right now. I mean yeah, the Liars were kidnapped as well, but for a much shorter time than Mona AND they didn’t have to pretend to be a person they hate every day. They cut back to a heartbreaking scene of Mona singing a lullaby to herself.
Being the amazing friends that they are, the Liars refuse to leave the Kidnap Complex without their dear Mona. They find her, save her and run out of the Kidnap Complex where each Liar finds their significant other, sans Emily of course. Instead Emily awkwardly embraces Alison. I am going to put this out here now, I am, nor will ever be an Emisson shipper. Just not my cup of tea. I am Team Paige. Paige should have been there comforting her.
All the hugging and consoling is cut short when Rosewood’s finest discover another random girl wearing a familiar layered yellow shirt in the hatch. The mysterious Ali #2 is a girl named Sarah, who has been kidnapped since Ali went missing (which in our years is 5 years, but in PLL years in maybe 2? I am not sure).
That was something right? This is gonna be one drama filled, creepy summer!
Final Questions/Thoughts:
1) Do the four languages (Bonjour, Good Morning, Guten Morgen, Buenos Dias) used in the morning greeting have meaning?
2) How many yellow shirts does Charles actually own?
Seriously, did he buy them in bulk?
3) How ingenious was Caleb’s idea of placing the tracker in heel of Ali’s shoe?
4) Why are Charles’ childhood videos on a film projector? He is the same age of me, they TOTALLY had VHS then!
5) Do we think Charles and Jason are identical, or could Andrew actually be Charles?
Complex. That’s the word that comes to mind after more than 60 hours of Action-RPG, The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt. Complex in the best possible way. The world, characters, and mechanics of The Witcher are dense and layered. However, those that are willing to put in the time are rewarded with an experience that is engrossing and, more importantly, fun.
Having not played the first two games in the series I was expecting to be lost and well to be honest, I was. The main story line is a simple tale of our hero, Geralt, searching for his adopted daughter Ciri, whom he believes is in danger. As a father, the importance of this journey was easily relatable. The confusion came from the many mentions of events past and the deep lore of the Witcher series. However, the mythology of this world is so well-crafted that instead of a turn off, my lack of previous knowledge was actually a hook. I wanted to learn more about the history of this world and the journey of its inhabitants. I found myself reading through book pages or letters left behind and walking up to as many NPCs as possible that would carry a conversation.
It doesn’t hurt that the characters you meet along your search are some of the most fleshed out characters I have ever encountered in a game. Each character feels like an actual person with real problems, wrapped in a fantasy package. Themes like the plight of the impoverished, domestic violence, and prejudice are presented alongside witches, mages, and Barons to great effect. The team at CD Projekt RED have found an inspiring balance between gritty realism and high fantasy with their characters.
Fantastic dialogue and voice acting bring these individual characters to life. While Geralt himself is monotone and fairly emotionless, the supporting cast is intriguing and their lines are delivered with such passion that I found myself cheering for certain characters while despising others. There were many moments when I would be hanging on the every word of a conversation. This is coming from a man who normally speed reads the subtitles and skips the animations.
As an open world RPG, I anticipated a level of choice during the dialogues and was not disappointed. While Geralt is very much a creation of someone else’s imagination, the nuances of his character were shaped by me. Some characters were treated to “Kind Geralt,” who only wanted to help because it was the right thing to do. Others met what I like to call “Hungry Rob” Geralt, a cranky, angry man who expected to be paid in full or he’d introduced you to his blade. What I didn’t expect were my choices having an impact on the world.
One such choice happened early in the game. I could either destroy a “being” or free its soul. I didn’t trust those that sent me on this task, so I chose freedom. The ramifications of my choice were such that my self-doubt lingered, affecting every choice I made from there on out. Suddenly, I was weighing all of the possible outcomes, only to find myself trying to justify that I had chosen the lesser of two evils. Rarely does a game make you feel this invested.
Aiding its ability to draw you in, is the art design. I’m going to just come out and say it. The Witcher 3 sure is a looker. The detail in the environments results in a world that feels lived in and alive. Towns are populated and busy, with stories or arguments being heard at every corner. Open areas are occupied by wolves, griffins, water hags and other creatures of lore. Every inch of the map is inviting you to come explore and discover what it has hidden away behind its gorgeous hills and hideous (in a good way) swamps. It sets the bar for visuals in this still young generation of console gaming.
However, pretty graphics and great characters are nothing if a game isn’t fun to play. Luckily gameplay is handled with the same prowess and care as the other elements of the game. With a deadline to meet and a game of this size (easily 200 hours to see everything), my focus was on the main story missions. While progressing the story, these missions also reward you with the most experience which is used to level up Geralt and, in turn, his skills. That’s not to say I kept completely away from the side quests. In fact, unlike most open world games, I found the side missions to be equally, if not more, engaging than the main plot. At no point during my time with The Witcher 3 did I feel as though a mission was tedious or pointless, which is unheard of in games of this size.
Many of these missions involved hunting a creature down and slaying it. As a “witcher,” and monster hunter by trade, Geralt is skilled in combat and light magic, known as signs. The aforementioned skills revolve around these two disciplines. Experience points can be spent on increasing Geralt’s ability with a sword or the strength of the signs. Finding a balance between the two is the key to success in combat, whether against bandits or beasts.
Points may also be spent in increasing Geralt’s less direct abilities. His persuasion over other characters during dialogue. His crafting or alchemy skills. His base health level. All of these can be improved and with no level cap in the Witcher 3, all abilities are achievable. The idea of obtaining the experience necessary to reach such a feat is unnerving but it also results in a goal that one can continually strive for.
The only thing tampering the enthusiasm I have for The Witcher 3 is that it has some technical issues. Playing on the Xbox One, the frame rate can be a bit janky. A patch since release has helped this issue by locking the frame rate at 30fps but it still doesn’t run perfectly smooth. Load times between deaths are also painfully long, with some lasting up to a minute. There are also some irritating issues with movement and selection. Often times I would run up to an item or doorway and fumble trying to select it because Geralt was not perfectly lined up with it. In the grand scheme of things, these are minor annoyances but it does take away from an otherwise fantastic experience.
Technical issues aside, the team at CD Projekt RED have created a game that is constantly gnawing at my conscious, begging me to play. With satisfying combat, rewarding missions and memorable characters, The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt is one of, if not the, best game I’ve played this generation. Even if you have not played the first two games of the series, I highly recommend picking this one up.
FINAL SCORE: 9.7/10.0
The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt is available on the Xbox One, Playstation 4 and PC.
Nintendo has always been the game changer when it comes to the video game industry. There is rarely a genre they haven’t had their hand on at some point in their illustrious history. They created the 3D-platformer with Super Mario 64, dabbled in First-Person shooters with Metroid Prime and made a non-threatening RTS fun with Pikmin. Nintendo have even created their own “genres” with games like Luigi’s Mansion.
One area that Nintendo has yet to set foot in is the online, competitive shooter market. Well, Nintendo has done it again: this time with their new 3rd Person, online arena shooter, Splatoon. When Nintendo steps into a new genre, they don’t go the easy route. No, they choose to go in a more… colorful direction.
Splatoon invites you into the bright and cheerful world of Inkopolis, where half-human, half-squid hybrids called “inklings” rule the landscape. Everything about this world shows off Nintendo’s famous charm. From the humor of the store owners, to the almost squirt-gun like look of all the weaponry. Even the way the characters move and tentacles sway as they run is adorable. It is all sprinkled with that special Nintendo magic.
As you turn on Splatoon, you are dropped into the hub world, or “Booyah Base”, as it is called. In this world you are greeted with a variety of paths to take. You may head to the shops to upgrade your clothes and weapons, try out the single player campaign, or even take on challenges that are unlocked with Splatoon-specific Amiibo. However, the real meat of this game is the online multiplayer.
Currently, the main mode of online play is called Turf Wars. The objective is to cover the enemies turf with as much ink as possible. The matches are 4 vs 4 and are limited to 3 minutes per round. I know this may seem short, but Nintendo has found what I consider to be that sweet spot. You always feel that you have enough time to turn the tide of the battle, but not too long that you feel it dragging on. But what would an online shooter be without its weapons? Nintendo has definitely brought out its creativity for this one!
Splatoon is based on the use of four core weapon types. You start out with the standard Splattershot, a weapon that is very similar in appearance to the super soaker you would use for your summer water fights as a kid. It has a steady fire rate, and allows you to cover a fair amount of ground. The smaller version of this weapon, the Splattershot Jr, is very similar to the Splattershot, but fires in faster bursts but with less of an impact on your enemies.
The third class is the sniper class; also know as the Splat Charger. The weapon has a slow fire rate, because you need to charge it before each shot; however, once fired, it will streak a long trail of paint across the entire battlefield. This weapon is fantastic for taking out enemies, and finds its groove in a more supportive role in modes such as ranked battles.
Lastly, the final weapon type is known as the Splat Roller. As the name implies, this weapon is a giant paint roller. It definitely covers more ground than any other weapon, but it has the shortest range. The roller is often compared to a shotgun. If an enemy is close by you can easily just roll them over, but if they are at a distance you are at a clear disadvantage.
The game is controlled traditionally with sticks and buttons, but with a twist. While you move your character with the left stick and the camera with the right, you are able to gently tilt the gamepad for additional accuracy through motion controls. I must say that after playing a shooter with this style of control, it will definitely be difficult to go back to the older play style as it grants you a precision rarely felt in console games.
Once you cover the ground with your ink by pressing the ZR button, you are then able to turn into your squid-form and swim through the ink for additional speed with the press of the ZL button, filling your ink tank (see ammo) as you swim. You can even hide in the ink, which is a great strategy for sneaking up on your enemies.
As of this writing, Nintendo has just two online modes with 6 maps. The ranked battle mode and one additional map were recently added on June 1. They have planned free DLC through the month of August to add modes, maps, and content. The real question is: does the audience have the patience to wait that long? Within the first 48 hours of the games release, many players have already hit the max level of 20. Will the new content be enough to bring them back?
With the newly added Ranked Battle mode, the game forces you to think in an entirely different way. Where Turf War has you trying to cover as much ground as possible, Ranked Battle has you fighting to command a certain point of the map for a designated amount of time. Once you “claim” an area a timer starts to count down. If your team can hold it until zero, you win, but if the enemy claims it their timer begins to drop.
The match only lasts 3 minutes, just like Turf War, so if no clock reaches zero, the game divides points among the teams in relation to the amount of time left on each clock. Where Turf War is much more laid back, this mode is fast, furious, and in your face. This must be why Nintendo requires you to reach level 10 before you can even attempt these ranked battles. This mode does bring up a flaw with the game: no voice chat.
With games like Turf War, where not much strategy is involved, the absence of voice chat doesn’t seem to be much of a hindrance. Yet when you are playing the rank battles, you really need strong teamwork to succeed; so this flaw becomes more apparent. While the game is still enjoyable, it would have helped the overall experience.
The online multiplayer is something that is very ambitious for Nintendo, while still showing their fear of stepping into the unknowns of the online space. They appear to be dipping their toe in the water, instead of a full-on cannonball of content. Could this approach backfire on them? Nintendo is not known to release a game “incomplete”, so the staggered release may all be part of their overarching plan.
Splatoon is made for its multiplayer; nevertheless it does also feature a single player “campaign” of sorts. The word campaign should be taken lightly though, as it is more mini-challenges linked by boss battles, instead of a full on story mode. It is great that Nintendo added this mode to extend Splatoon‘s content, yet it takes roughly 5-6 hours to complete as long as you don’t try to search and collect everything. It is no Titanfall “campaign”, thank goodness, but it is still on the shorter side.
To increase the single player, Nintendo has added additional challenges through Amiibo support. Depending on the Amiibo you choose, you will play through the single player “campaign” again, only this time with special circumstances. The girl Inkling makes you play through with a Splat Charger, the boy Inkling makes you play through with a Splat Roller. The Squid Amiibo adds different challenges, such as completing a course under a certain amount of time or with a certain amount of ink. Please make note that the Squid Amiibo can only be purchased through the special Splatoon Amiibo 3-pack.
With Splatoon, Nintendo has done something truly special. They have taken what has been known as a violent, stressful, and super competitive space and turned it on its head into a family-friendly, colorful, addictive game where you never feel out played. Everyone stands a chance, yet the game remains challenging and full of Nintendo charm. While the lack of voice chat may be an issue for some, and the staggered release of modes and maps is frustrating, Nintendo always seems to know what they are doing. They have created something unique in a way that only Nintendo can. If you own a Wii U, Splatoon should definitely be part of your gaming library.
As is often the case this season, those at Pied Piper usually end up being their own worst enemy. Whether it’s Dinesh wanting to build the server room and blowing out the power grid, or the gang revealing in-depth secrets to their rivals at EndFrame; their misfortune is usually the byproduct of their own actions.
This continues in “White Hat/Black Hat” as Richard’s conscience, still reeling from his actions in the previous episode, leads him to meet with Seth Lee – the recently fired security employee from EndFrame. During their meeting, Richard’s best intentions to put Seth’s mind at ease creates the opposite effect. As Seth, irate over his unjust firing and Gilfoyle’s incessant torment, leads him to put a pox on those at Pied Piper and their system. This leads Richard going down a rabbit hole of paranoia, worried that they’re now exposed on multiple fronts to an imminent hack from Seth. Gilfoyle and Dinesh assure Richard that Seth will not, and cannot, do anything to their system. Still paranoid of an impending attack, he schedules a meeting with Seth yet again to reason with him. However, as is Richard’s main character flaw, his big mouth betrays him and he infuriates Seth even more. That night as the transfer from Intersite initiates Richard is a wreck. He paces nervously, constantly questioning Dinesh and Gilfoyle about the security – and then there’s a knock at the door.
Now although the threat of getting hacked turns out only to be an adult themed ‘Boogey-Man’ the real threat – as is often the case – comes from within. Despite knowing the vulnerability of their system and locking down the house (literally and virtually), Richard reluctantly lets Russ into his house. He’s there to pick up their celebratory drinking session, but Richard finally puts his foot down, snapping on him for not giving them their promised funding. This leads to an absurd scenario where Russ shows them his reacquired MacClaren, when (predictably) everything goes to shit. Files are disappearing off Intersite’s server and neither they nor Pied Piper know why. Richard presumes that it’s Seth getting retribution, until Russ lifts his Tres Commas tequila bottle off one of the laptop’s ‘Delete’ key. Yet again Pied Piper was – to quote Erlich from an earlier episode – “hoisted by their own petard.”
This trend of self-destruction, can be fun (albeit nauseating) to watch, but it’s getting a bit tired. I can no longer enjoy any headway the group makes as I know newer, more serious pitfalls, will eventually arise. Now, some might call this storytelling, and while I agree that the show does a great job placing new obstacles in their way while continually raising the stakes, I feel that their characters aren’t learning from these misfortunes and that sheer luck is the only thing keeping them above water. It’s this “one step forward, two steps back” method of storytelling that wears on my enjoyment of the show.
Early in this season Pied Piper was up against external factors, coming chiefly from Gavin Belson. But after that UFC debacle, he’s aware of how terrible an operating system Nucleus. Thus his attention is focused elsewhere as he fends off adversaries of his own – manifested as the big bad Hooli Board of Directors. During one of their meetings, he dismisses the extensive marketing campaign as “in the box”, touting Nucleus’ revolutionary capabilities should be shrouded in mystery until its release. He also courts Bannerchek again, bringing him in as scapegoat for the devices pitfalls. After seeing the device, Bannerchek literally flees “doing 73 in a 25” to get as far as he can from Belson and his ruse.
This episode’s subplots were more entertaining – possibly because they didn’t induce nausea like the main plot-line did. Other than Belson’s maneuverings, Erlich brings his other “incubee” Jin Yang to meet with Monica regarding his playground app. On their way inside, they find her smoking a cigarette – something that is highly frowned upon in Northern California. This leads to Erlich (yet again) delivering the best line of the episode. (“-this is Palo Alto, people are lunatics about smoking here. We don’t enjoy all the freedoms you have in China.”) The entire interaction between Ehrlich and Monica is refreshing as he’s usually accompanying Richard when they interact and playing second fiddle in the scene. This pairing of Jin-Yang and Erlich is always fun, and even though this isn’t a catch phrase style show, I’m still waiting on Erlich to shout out “God damnit, Jin Yang” at least one more time before this season ends.
My criticism of this show is all rather nitpicky, as I look forward to the episodes week in and week out. The dialogue continually wavers between good and excellent and the best lines are spread out evenly among the cast. I’m merely beginning to fatigue over the pattern of unfortunate circumstances that continue to befall them, but I have no doubt that I’ll be going through withdraw after the season finale in two weeks.
Showtime is joining HBO in offering a stand-alone streaming service which is slated for release in early July. Simply named SHOWTIME,the service will premiere on Sunday, July 12th, corresponding alongside the new seasons of Ray Donovan and Masters of Sex.
Just like HBO Now, the service will be available first to Apple customers. iPhone, iPad, iPod touch and Apple TV users will be able to subscribe to SHOWTIME as a stand-alone service on the SHOWTIME app anywhere in the U.S., for one monthly price $10.99 to view on all Apple devices.
Users who sign up through Apple in July will be offered a free 30-day trial. Subscribers will have “unlimited on demand access to every season of award-winning Showtime original series, and hundreds of hours of movies, documentary and sports programming, as well as the live broadcast of the east and west coast feeds of Showtime.”
“Going over-the-top means Showtime will be much more accessible to tens of millions of potential new subscribers,” said CBS Corporation’s President and Chief Executive Officer Leslie Moonves. “Across CBS, we are constantly finding new ways to monetize our programming by capitalizing on opportunities presented by technology. This works best when you have outstanding premium content – like we do at Showtime – and when you have a terrific partner like Apple – which continues to innovate and build upon its loyal customer base.”
Tangled is a better movie than Frozen. Yea, I said it. It’s also why Tangled is getting its own animated series.
Announced today by Gary Marsh, President and Chief Creative Officer, Disney Channels Worldwide, the Tangled animated series is slated to premiere in 2017 on the Disney Channel. Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi will reprise their roles as Rapunzel and Eugene, aka Flynn Rider.
New and returning characters include Cassandra, a tough-as-nails handmaiden, Pascal, the chameleon, Maximus, the horse, and the Snuggly Duckling Pub Thugs.
The cries for Fallout 4 have finally been answered as Bethesda released the first official trailer Wednesday morning.
The trailer, teased behind a 24-hour countdown that went live yesterday, seems to take place entirely using in-game footage.
Fallout 4 will be released on the Playstation 4, Xbox One, and PC. More information will likely come out during Bethesda’s E3 Press Conference later this month.
If you’re a fan of Fallout like me, then you’ve probably seen the news that Bethesda has added a countdown to its site for the next 24 hours, at which point the developers will announce something big for fans. Bethesda then added this image to all of its social media platforms, speeding up the hype train even more:
— BethesdaGameStudios (@BethesdaStudios) June 2, 2015
I want Fallout 4 as much as anyone, but I’ve been burned before. Do you even know how long I pined for a sequel to Legend to Dragoon? FAR TOO LONG. Fallout 4 has been falling from fan’s mouths since right after New Vegas dropped. Blah, blah, Boston. Blah, blah, Institute. NONSENSE. Bethesda is only planning to break our hearts. Know how I know? I did some snooping into Bethesda’s darkest corners and found these games they’re planning to release before we hear a peep about Fallout 4. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but someone has to set the internet straight.
BRAHFYSDGFALJKSHERHSDFPWFFFFFI don’t want to put the world on a diet… I just want to make a flan in your heart…Eat scones and gossip to your dragon heart’s content!You are the chosen one.First quest: Avoid Moira.
I’m just kidding. Please, Bethesda, let your announcement be about Fallout 4.
