‘The Bachelorette’ Review: Clint and J.J. – Will You Take This Cock?

When we last left off with this silly-ass nonsense excuse for a TV show, Kupah was refusing to be sent home by Kaitlyn, as he chewed his ice nervously and drank his alcoholic beverage with the rage of Mike Tyson in a bad mood. He had taken his anger outside, where he was berating a producer or camera-man or something (it was unclear who the man was that Kupah was yelling at). Then, the show ended with a big TO BE CONTINUED, and now here we go again with this childishness …

Kupah continues screaming into the cameras: “Maybe this process works for some people, like Cupcake (that would be Chris the dentist), but not me. This sucks!!!” Kaitlyn hears this loser screaming like a maniac, and she goes outside to confront him. “I can hear you screaming from inside. What is going on?”, she asks him. He starts pouting all over again. “I don’t wanna go home. I came here to fall in love with you, and I don’t want to leave.” She basically tells him yet again, that he is indeed going home. He finally seems to get the hint and says in a half-assed voice: “I wont yell anymore. Sorry.” Dude, yell all you want from your sad limo. Who cares NOW? Your ass is gone. As he is leaving, he turns to cameras and mock-whispers: “Is this better? I’m going to whisper now. No more yelling. I don’t even like her anyway. Sucks. This sucks. Wow.” The man-child gets into the sad limo and goes away .

Kaitlyn goes back inside and cries tears into camera: “When people walk out of here insulting me, that really kills me. That just came out of nowhere.” She takes the other remaining man-children inside to explain to them that Kupah is gone. Then Pimp Daddy Harrison returns from beating one-off in the Fantasy Suite to tell everyone that it’s now time for the Rose Ceremony. What on earth would we do without him to inform us of our next move???

During the Rose Ceremony, the camera pans to different men all saying why they want to stay and being overly dramatic. Non-Healer Tony’s little monologue is the funniest, as usual. He explains: “I stepped away from all the things I love to come here. My dog, and my Bonsai Tree. I have a gypsy soul.” Good for you, whackjob. Looks like that bonsai tree will have to do without you awhile longer. He gets a rose. Someone named Daniel and someone named Corey both are sent home. They are both nondescript, boring, vague-looking, no-personality white dudes. Their stories are so dull that the show doesn’t even show their reactions to being sent home. Bye, Felicias!

THE BACHELORETTE

Meanwhile, back at Alcoholic Mansion …. in the middle of the night, 2 Sumo Wrestlers show up to the house and wake the men up by ringing gongs and scaring the crap out of them. There is a Group Orgy (sorry … date) involving some of the men, but ALL of the men take part by watching . The Sumo Champs lead the men through some Sumo training, after putting them in the most obnoxiously humiliating “man-diaper” outfits imaginable. JJ says: “Everyone has a really good ass, except Tony.” Okay then. Kaitlyn says: “Everything is hanging out. I’m seeing junk everywhere.” Sounds lovely. Jared notes: “Joe’s left nut is hanging out the entire time.” Cupcake is terrified to get in the ring. Jonathan calls it “the power of manmeat.” I have no clue what that means. Tony , as usual, takes the event way too seriously and starts to get upset and leaves the area to go pout. Kaitlyn finds him and they attempt to have a serious discussion while he is in a man-thong-diaper. JJ cuts in out of nowhere and tells Healer he is upsetting Kaitlyn. Healer Tony yells “You get the fuck out of here right now.” Jonathan pulls Kaitlyn out of the situation altogether, and tells cameras that JJ made things worse by going over there, and added fuel to the fire. A few minutes later, Kaitlyn goes over to a different nondescript area and talks to “I Cant Heal Shit” Tony some more, about what his fucking problem is. “I have a lot to offer”, he blabs like an infant. His manboobs pulsate and he continues to blather on about nothing. She leaves him alone to think. The rest of the men do an exhibition for the crowd of people. She wonders if Tony will show up. He doesn’t. The men disrobe again, and JJ and Joe go at it in match one. Joe is distracted by JJ’s back acne and loses the match. Next up is Joe and Clint. Clint picks up Joe like a baby and tosses him all over the place. More men in diapers fight. It is all pointless.

Meanwhile, Healer of Nothing Tony is packing his bags to leave. Why?? Still no idea, really. This show is really good at creating drama about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I still have no clue what the hell even happened that he is so damn upset about. Apparently he didn’t like the Sumo Wrestling thing, so now he is leaving. He talks to Jonathan at the mansion, saying “I can’t do all this ‘whose dick is biggest’ type stuff contests. Love can only be real when its shared. I don’t want to be part of this.” Dramatic much? He meets with Kaitlyn outside to tell her he is leaving. “I can’t be a part of this circus”, he says. She puts up zero fight and basically says “K, bye” and he goes away in the sad limo.

THE BACHELORETTE

The men have some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn outside. Clint is acting like a little baby suddenly, telling the other guys “Hey, she can come to ME. I’m not chasing her down. If she wants to talk, she can talk to me.” JJ is nosy and thinks this is a bad strategy for Clint (why does he give a shit?), and tells cameras that. Shawn and Kaitlyn kiss and she gives him the group date rose. Clint is even more pissy now because he didn’t get the rose. “I’m frustrated. Obviously.” Then, out of ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOWHERE, Clint tells cameras: “Kaitlyn is probably not the right girl for me. But there are other relationships in the house that I’m enjoying. JJ is a good dude. I love spending time with him. He’s got a lot of levels.” Riiiiight. Like the LEVEL where he pretends to be straight and so do you, but you’re secretly getting it on in the Fantasy Suite? (after Pimp Daddy Harrison is finished jacking off, of course. Or he watches.) Or maybe its the LEVEL where the producers of the show clearly paid these two dudes off to be on the show as “straight” men who then are into one another. There is no way in hell this just happened organically. Yeah right. Neither of them seem to have ANY issues with it. Suddenly you’re just into guys one day out of nowhere, and you have ZERO reaction to that? Come on now. It is ludicrous. Need ratings much?

Kaitlyn gets a Date Card from Pimp Daddy that says “Be prepared for anything.” Ben with a Z gets the same thing. The card brings them both to a building where Harrison awaits. He tells them that their date takes place inside of a room they will be locked inside of, and have to work together to figure out the code and get out. Like a horror movie, but lame. Apparently Kaitlyn has an intense fear of birds, so birds are everywhere and she is already freaking out and holding on for dear life to Ben with a Z and his arm. The room is dark and nasty. Lights flicker. Blood on the walls. Limbs hanging. Maggots and spiders in drawers. Dead roaches. Ben has to reach into a toilet covered in snakes for one of the clues. Suddenly its “Fear Factor” . The final clue is a blacklight that then shows the letters to what the word is for the computer code. The word ends up being ROSES. Gee, how original. They could have just guessed that right away and not gone through any of this other crap. After the scary part of the date, they go back to her “place” and order pizza. Ben with a Z tells her how he didn’t cry when his mom died, and he hasn’t cried since. He hasn’t cried in eleven years. Gee, that sounds healthy. Huge red flag screaming EMOTIONALLY STUNTED!!!!! But of course, Kaitlyn sees none of this, they kiss in the hot tub, she gives him the rose.

The second Group Orgy / Date involves Joshua, Jonathan, Ben with an H, Jared, Ryan, and stupidly-named Tanner. They go to an elementary school and become substitute teachers in a Health class. Their topics are Sex Ed, and the kids they are teaching this stuff to are …. KIDS. Like, 10 and 11 year olds. I found this segment creepy, even after Kaitlyn explained to cameras that it was all a “prank” and the kids were actors. I still think its creepy and weird for a date on this show to be put together where adult men are talking to little kids about puberty, periods, and wet dreams. It was just uncomfortable and bizarre to watch and I didn’t really understand the point of it. Then again, whats the point to this whole show? Nothing. Ryan talks about the vagina to the children, while Josh discusses sex itself. Jonathan gets asked what a wet dream is, and Josh tells the girls that the lining in their uterus is going to “shed” and get thin. Ewwww!!! Ben H. describes how the egg and sperm meet to make a baby, and he talks about how two people fall in love, using Kaitlyn as his muse. HIs was the least creepy as he at least tried to make it sweet and gave it a story. Afterwards, they each get private time with Kaitlyn. She makes out with Ben and Jared, and her and Jared go back to her hotel room and hang out there for what looked like a long time. Ben gets the rose. Jared is sad.

Meanwhile, at “Half These Dudes are Gay” Castle, the other men are noticing the gay vibes between Clint and JJ. Justin says “there’s a bro-mance going on. They have some one on one deep love going on.”  Shawn notes that “Clint and JJ are doing weird stuff.” Clint tells the cameras “I have connected with JJ more than with Kaitlyn. We got really close in the room, and in the shower.” He just tosses that out there like its nothing. Again, no reaction to his own SUDDEN INTEREST IN MEN. Riiiiiight ………

At the cocktail party, JJ tells cameras that he would like to see 4 or 5 guys go home tonight, and he wants himself and Clint to remain. Wouldnt it be easier if you and Clint simply LEFT and went on to have your gay adventures??? No, of course not. Because then you couldn’t create drama and be paid off to cause tension in the house and have Kaitlyn start to fall for someone who is showering with another man in the house. Clint tells cameras: “I need to get a rose tonight so I can stay because my time with JJ is insanely enjoyable. I love JJ.” Really?? You LOVE him now? WTF?

Clint pleads his case with Kaitlyn to stay by taking her aside and apologizing to her for his behavior during the Sumo date and how he was ignoring her. He doesn’t mention to her that he is randomly into cock now. Instead, he makes up some crap about the Sumo dude putting his man-diaper on too tight so his balls were up inside himself and therefore, he didn’t “have the balls” to talk to her. Lame!!! She falls for it, thinks it’s the funniest thing anyone has ever said, and tells cameras that he has redeemed himself. Then they kiss. Then Clint tells cameras: “I’m not really interested in Kaitlyn. But I need a cock … I mean … a rose … tonight.” He said rose. But he meant cock. He then goes over to JJ and flirts with him. “It’s funny how cute you are and how beautiful your jaw-line is.” Your JAWLINE? Really? That’s your idea of a good pick-up line? Who compliments someone’s jaw??? What a douche. Meanwhile, lots of other men use their time with Kaitlyn to inform her that Clint and JJ might not be here for the “right reasons.” (the show’s favorite phrase) They fail to mention that the two are super gay for each other, but they just say that Clint is “two-faced” and they play villians. Josh is the most specific with her, and she thanks him for his honesty and agrees there are just “too many red flags.” She pulls Clint aside, and she tells cameras: “Clint has no idea whats in store for him. He is going to go down in flames.” Or he is going to go down on J.J. Whichever happens first.

TO BE CONTINUED ………..

Next Week: Healer Tony tragically dies from overly meditating. Clint and JJ shower together in Pimp Daddy Harrison’s shower. J.J. is asked to be in a commercial about beautiful jaw-lines. Ben with a Z practices crying, but sadly, can only fart repeatedly. He pays Britt to give him lessons on how to cry. Pimp Daddy Harrison gets intimate with a rose.

 

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