Home / Movies / Ranking the Best of Bond: Dem Hoes

Ranking the Best of Bond: Dem Hoes

goldfinger-12With the latest James Bond thriller, SPECTRE, set to explode onto movie screens on November 6th, The Workprint is doing its due diligence to rank the characters of this longest running franchise in movie history. First, we tackled the Bond Girls and then we ranked the Villains followed by the Henchmen. And now we turn toward the other ladies that have found themselves in the arms of the world’s greatest secret agent.

As hard as it is to believe, after sleeping with all of the leading ladies from our Bond Girls list, most of the female henchwomen, and even one of the villains, there is still at least one woman from each of the films that Bond managed to get romantic with on some level. Hell, some movies even had more women in that position but I picked the most prominent one from each film and made them duke it out below. It is clear that Bond is a man-whore of the highest order but what maybe makes this list even more frightening is that 11 of these 23 ladies ended up dead.

So on that happy note let’s get this countdown started!

23. Bibi Dahl (Lynn-Holly Johnson – For Your Eyes Only) vlcsnap-2012-10-20-19h49m45s204Where Did She and Bond Get It On: Nowhere…much to her chagrin.

How can this ranking not begin with the one woman in the series’ history who threw herself at Bond and got rejected? Yes, you read that right. The world’s biggest man-whore actually turned down a perfectly nice looking female! One reason to rejoice though – the age difference between her and good old Roger Moore was beyond disturbing.

22. Caroline (Serena Gordon – Goldeneye)

vlcsnap-2012-11-02-21h16m38s50Where Did She and Bond Get It On: In Bond’s classic Aston Martin DB5 after a driving test.

There’s no question that Bond’s libido never rests but did he really have to get it on with his driving assessor? This poor lady looks and acts more like a kindergarten teacher than one of Bond’s typical bombshell conquests. I hope he didn’t give this nice lady crabs or anything.

21. Linda (Belle Avery – The Living Daylights)

8180578352_30df13df37

 

Where Did She and Bond Get It On: On a boat off the coast of Gibraltar.

This very 80s-looking chick was just chilling on her boat and dreaming about finding “a real man” when Timothy Dalton’s Bond dropped in on a busted parachute. 007 delayed returning to HQ for a debriefing to have a little fun with her but I kinda think he shoulda kept it moving.

20. Felicca (Olga Bisera – The Spy Who Loved Me)

feliccia

 

Where Did She and Bond Get It On: A contact’s house in Cairo, Egypt.

It’s no secret that 007 has some kind of special sway with the ladies but it gets a bit extreme in this case when Felicca literally gives her life for Bond mere minutes after meeting him. Roger Moore is charming, but he’s not that charming.

19. Pola Ivanova (Fiona Fullerton – A View to a Kill)

AVTAK_saunaWhere Did She and Bond Get It On: A Japanese spa in San Francisco.

Bond has gotten it on with a number of Russian spies over the years but this one doesn’t quite hold up as well as the others. Bond easily fools her by stealing some intel from right underneath her nose, which doesn’t bode well for her skills as a spy. She does earn bonus point though for admitting that the hot tub bubbles tickle her…well, you know.

18. Mysterious Turkish Woman (Tonia Sotiropoulou – Skyfall)

 

Where Did She and Bond Get It On: In her quaint little house in rural Turkey.

I couldn’t tell you a single thing about this woman other than she appears to be super hot and must have been interesting enough to keep Bond around for a few months. That ain’t nothing.

rosie-carver

17. Rosie Carver (Gloria Hendry – Live and Let Die)

Where Did She and Bond Get It On: In the middle of some island foliage after a light picnic.

Worst. Double Agent. Ever. But there’s something stupidly charming about her. Or is that charmingly stupid? I can never remember.

 

 

16. Andrea Anders (Maud Adams – The Man With the Golden Gun) TMWTGG_-_Andrea_in_the_showerWhere Did She and Bond Get It On: Bond’s hotel room while Mary Goodnight hid in the closet.

Andrea Anders is an intriguing character because her film’s entire plot essentially kicked off thanks to her sending Bond a golden bullet with 007 engraved on it. Her plot to have Bond set her free from Scaramanga may not have gone exactly to plan but actress Maud Adams made enough of an impression to go on to play Octopussy, which marks the only time an actress has played two significant Bond Girls.

15. Corinne DuFour (Corinne Clery – Moonraker)

22_corinne_clery_moonrakerWhere Did She and Bond Get It On: Hugo Drax’s lush California estate house.

This poor thing got a raw deal. She was pretty, French, and wonderfully helpful to Bond. What did she get out of the deal? One night of passion and eaten by dogs.

14. Plenty O’Toole (Lana Wood – Diamonds Are Forever)

Diamonds-Are-Forever-Plenty-OToole-Lana-WoodWhere Did She and Bond Get It On: In Bond’s hotel suite in Vegas.

It goes without saying that Plenty O’Toole is one of the best Bond Girl names of all time and that alone gets her as high as she is on this list. Why doesn’t she go higher you ask? Because she’s a total ding dong.

Miss_Taro_Profile

 

13. Miss Taro (Zena Marshall – Dr. No)

Where Did She and Bond Get It On: Her bungalow in the hills of Jamaica.

To put it simply, Miss Taro is a little minx. As a conniving underling for Dr. No she tries her best to keep Bond occupied in the sack (without ruining her nail varnish), but we all know he’s too smart for that and instead gives her a quick trip to the police station.

 

 

12. Dr. Molly Warmflash (Serena Scott Thomas – The World Is Not Enough)

vlcsnap-2012-11-04-19h26m15s142Where Did She and Bond Get It On: The good doctor’s exam room at MI6 headquarters in Scotland, of course.

When Bond gets put on the inactive roster to recover from injuries sustained during a nasty fall from a hot air balloon, you would think he might just take it easy and get some well-earned rest. But alas duty calls and in order to get off the sick list he seduces the doctor. He doesn’t exactly have to twist her arm but when all is said and done I think only Moneypenny is bitter about it.

11. Magda (Kristina Wayborn – Octopussy)

vlcsnap-2011-08-14-12h22m58s157Where Did She and Bond Get It On: Bond’s hotel suite in India.

Magda is an interesting character in that you’re never really sure where her loyalties lie. She starts off being the right-hand woman to Kamal Khan and sleeps with Bond in an effort to get the Faberge Egg back but then she ends up being a good girl in Octopussy’s cult. Confused loyalties aside, she gets to utter the famous line, “That’s my little octopussy!” Indeed.

10. Strawberry Fields (Gemma Arterton – Quantum of Solace) 185_1b22_kb2_022008_7470

Where Did She and Bond Get It On: Bond’s hotel suite in Bolivia

007 straight up took advantage and corrupted this innocent field agent who was supposed to just escort him back to the airport. But with her naive charm and British sass how could you blame him? What makes her truly memorable though is her gruesome demise that is reminiscent of a lady we’ll be discussing later on in this list…

9. Solange (Caterina Murino – Casino Royale)

Casino_Royale_(53)Where Did She and Bond Get It On: Makeout session at Bond’s villa in the Bahamas.

From a purely physical point of view, Solange wins major points for being one of the most stunning women to ever grace the celluloid of a Bond film. She loses points for her cheesy as hell entrance on a horse and choice of husband. But seriously though, she’s really gorgeous.

8. Paris Carver (Teri Hatcher – Tomorrow Never Dies)

teri hatcher bond chickWhere Did She and Bond Get It On: Bond’s hotel suite in Hamburg, Germany.

Only so rarely do we get to meet a character from Bond’s past and naturally this sort of character ends up meaning a lot more to 007 than the average lady. Unfortunately, this one was married to the film’s main villain and well…it didn’t go too well for her. But based on Bond’s reaction he actually felt something and that’s truly rare.

7. Miranda Frost (Rosamund Pike – Die Another Day) 007_die_another_day___miranda_frost__2__by_newyounggun-d8vrfqnWhere Did She and Bond Get It On: Inside and outside of the Ice Palace.

Before she was a ‘Gone Girl’ Rosamund Pike was a classically evil turncoat who betrays Bond in favor of a crazed North Korean zealot. But before she went bad, Bond got a chance to melt her frosty demeanor a bit with a romp in a frozen hotel. How appropriate.

6. Lupe (Talisa Soto – Licence to Kill)

vlcsnap-2012-10-29-20h48m21s113Where Did She and Bond Get It On: In Bond’s guest room in Sanchez’s luxurious home.

Poor Lupe almost, ALMOST, became the leading lady of Licence to Kill but got pushed to the side at the last moment in favor of Pam, the CIA agent. I’m not saying Bond chose poorly, but in the looks department Lupe definitely wins out over Pam AND she betrayed a ruthless drug lord to help him! I’m on Team Lupe and think she deserved better than being pawned off on the older president of a fictional country.

5. Patricia (Molly Peters – Thunderball)Patricia_Fearing_(1)

Where Did She and Bond Get It On: The steam room of a health clinic.

How can you not love Bond’s nurse, Patricia? She’s got that wonderful mix of sex appeal, looks, and a contempt for Bond that makes their interactions funny as well as steamy. It’s a wonder that Bond didn’t want to spend more time at the hospital.

 

 

 

4. Dem Hos of Piz Gloria (Angela Scoular, Catherine Schell, Joanna Lumley, and many more – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service)

Where Did They and Bond Get It On: Various rooms in Piz Gloria on top of the Swiss Alps.

Ok so this entry is a bit of a cheat because it’s obviously not limited to a single lady but how can you possibly separate this batch of ladies brought together by Blofeld for terrorism purposes under the guise of allergy treament? Ruby is the real standout here but we also gotta give a tip of the hat to Joanna Lumley who would go on to become Absolutely Fabulous’s Patsy Stone. I mean, these ladies had to have been pretty great to make Bond cheat on his future wife, right? What a slimeball.

3. Aki (Akiko Wakabayashi – You Only Live Twice)

You-Only-Live-Twice-176Where Did She and Bond Get It On: In the very Japanese home of that country’s chief spy.

We lost a good number of the ladies on this list to premature death but perhaps none of them stung quite as much as losing Aki well over halfway through the film. Her playfulness, intelligence, and abilities made her a perfect match for Bond and through most of the film you expect her to be the leading lady, but alas we lose her to some poison meant for Bond. Kissy Suzuki made a relatively decent substitute leading lady, but if we’re being honest we wish Aki had stuck around.

Shirley-Eaton-Jill-Masterson-james-bond-37168069-736-5882. Jill Masterson (Shirley Eaton – Goldfinger)

Where did she and Bond get it on: A hotel suite in Miami, Florida.

When it comes to Bond’s sexual encounters they really don’t come more iconic than Jill Masterson. Introduced to Bond in her unmentionables while helping Goldfinger cheat at cards, she quickly falls prey to his charms only to end up painted solid gold as a warning for Bond not to mess with Mr. Goldfinger. And so even though Jill was short-lived, the imagery of her demise will live on forever.

And the number one non-leading lady of James Bond series is…

Sylvia_Trench_(Eunice_Gayson)_-_Profile1. Sylvia Trench (Eunice Gayson – Dr. No & From Russia With Love)

Where Did She and Bond Get It On: Bond’s flat in London and the English countryside.

She may not have the flashiest name or the most thrilling time on screen but Sylvia Trench is the ultimate non-leading lady in Bond’s life for two huge reasons: 1. By introducing herself to him as “Trench. Sylvia Trench.” Bond is prompted to utter his famous introductory line for the first time. And 2. She is the absolute only girl to appear in more than one film as an object of Bond’s affection. In fact, she was originally intended to appear in every film as Bond’s girl back home in London, but when she didn’t appear in the script for the series’ third film, Goldfinger, the idea wilted away even though she remains strong in our memory. I hereby vote for this character to make an appearance in a future Bond film!

That does it for our character lists but come back next week for a definitive ranking of the Bond films as a whole!

About Matt DeGroot

Check Also

50 Years (and 23 Days) of James Bond: Dr. No (1962)

Every day this week we will recap each film of the official James Bond franchise …

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *