We’ve got seven matches on tonight’s card including an “I Quit” Match and a Fatal 4-Way…let’s see who come out on top…
We start with our usual sizzle reel as the announcer promises us PAYBACK!!!
We are LIVE(!!!) from Baltimore, Maryland for WWE Payback!!!
JBL, Cole and King are the guys in the booth as Booker is off manning the WWE News Desk of Doom tonight. Marcelo Rodriguez and Carlos Cabrera are the guys at the Spanish Desk.
MATCH #1: Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler
Sheamus slaps Ziggler pre-match. Bell rings and Ziggler is all over him. He sends Ziggler out of the ring, beats on him outside, then sends him back in, hitting a Cross Body for two. Sheamus tries White Noise but Ziggler hits a nice Sunset Flip, getting two. A couple of counters and Ziggler gets elbowed in the knee. Ziggler rolls out of the ring, favoring his right knee. When he gets back on the mat, Sheamus suplexes him back in. Sheamus applies a headlock as Cole and King debate whether or not they should say the word, “ass”. Ziggler fights out and Sheamus hits the Irish Curse Backbreaker. Sheamus stomps at Ziggler, then charges at him but misses and hits the ringpost. Ziggler starts hitting punches and forearms, then knocks him down with a Flying Press. Ziggler hits a dropkick followed by punches in the corner. Sheamus tries a side suplex but Ziggler counters with a DDT for two. Ziggler beats on Sheamus in the corner…then pulls an ass cheek out of his shorts and makes Sheamus kiss it. Sheamus leaves the ring, drinks some water, then gets back in. Now that we’ve gotten THAT out of the way, Ziggler jumps at him when he re-enters the ring but Sheamus drops his neck on the ropes. He misses a Brogue and Ziggler hits the Fame-Asser, NEARLY getting the fall. He punches Sheamus in the corner but Sheamus counters with a Sitting Powerbomb, nearly getting the fall. Sheamus hits a powerslam and he gets two again. White Noise by Sheamus followed by The Cloverleaf — but Ziggler gets to the ropes. Sheamus breaks the hold at four. Sheamus taunts Ziggler but Ziggler headbutts him and hits a Superkick for two. Ziggler is cut open BADLY. Sheamus hits the Brogue to finish it and we’re done at 12:23.
WINNER: Sheamus via Brogue Kick
RATING: ***1/4. Really good start. Both guys looked excellent here. Glad that we’re past the “Kiss Me Arse” stuff…we can only hope, at least.
Kane is backstage on his cellphone. Rollins and J&J show up. Rollins wants to put all the animosity behind them. The two compare all the back-and-forth they’ve been through in the past four weeks. Kane says that he doesn’t know what will happen in regards to Rollins’ match. But, if Kane gets involved, Rollins will know. Rollins threatens Kane and puts J&J in Kane’s way. Kane laughs at them and all guys walk off.
New Day shows up. Xavier tells people that they can do anything if they just BO-LIE, uh, THINK POSITIVE!!! (DANIELLE: So…they’re Bo Dallas…but they’re better heels, they’re black and there’s three of them. Got it.) There are Baltimore Oriole players at ringside and New Day berates them for never having won a World Series — which they could do if they THINK POSITIVE.
MATCH #2: The New Day (Kofi Kingston & Big E) (champs) (w/ Xavier Woods) vs. Cesaro & Tyson Kidd (challengers) (w/ Natalya) in a 2-out-3 Falls Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship
Kidd and Kofi start out. Kidd applies a headlock and Cesaro tags himself in, hitting an elbow on Kofi. E enters and gets powerslammed by Cesaro in an impressive start. Cesaro runs at E and E press slams him. He chokes Cesaro, then gets pulled off by the ref. Woods hits a cheap shot from outside. Kofi gets involved but Cesaro slams them both and stomps both their chests. Cesaro puts Kofi up for a Delayed Suplex. Kidd tags in, knocking Kofi to the mat. E is knocked outside. Cesaro hits the Spin. Kidd dropkicks him and Cesaro/Kidd take the first fall at 2:52.
WINNERS: Cesaro & Kidd
There’s a skirmish involving Woods and Natalya and Kidd kicks Woods outside. Kidd tries to dive at E who catches him and puts to the mat. Back in the ring, E and Kofi stomp at Kidd. Kofi hits a dropkick. E has Kidd in a bearhug, then drops him to the mat and hits a Warrior Splash. Cesaro stops the pin. E hits a Spear on Cesaro, then gets back in and tags Kofi. Two count. Kofi climbs the top rope but Kidd dropkicks him on the way down. Kidd counters nearly everything E and Kofi throw at him until Kidd ends up on E’s shoulders. They hit a horrible-looking 11th Hour as E drops Kidd before Kofi can actually get to him. They win the 2nd fall at 7:41.
WINNERS: The New Day
No let up as E rushes at Kidd. Kidd hits a Drop Toehold and E falls into the turnbuckle. Cesaro makes his way back in and he gets the hot tag. He hits five straight uppercuts, then tosses Kofi into E. Cesaro tries an Underarm Hook Powerbomb but E escapes it. Cesaro hits a quick uppercut on Kofi and NEARLY gets the fall. Cesaro and Kidd hit the Decaptitator and NEARLY get the fall as the crowd is WAY into this. Kidd goes for a Sharpshooter, locking it in. Cesaro runs over and sends E into the announce table, then gets back to his corner. Kofi escapes the Sharpshooter. Cesaro and Kidd do the Double Team Uppercut but E saves the pin. It’s chaos in the ring. Cesaro gets dinged — and Woods suddenly runs in and hides his face, getting the small package pin as the New Day retains at 12:44.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: The New Day
RATING: ****. Great match here. Great heel finish. I’ve always liked the old “twin magic” thing.
Ryback is with Byron Saxton. He’s ready for Wyatt — and that match is next.
MATCH #3: Bray Wyatt vs. Ryback
This match ends with Bo helping Bray or GTFO. Ryback is all over Wyatt in the corner, shoulder-ramming him, then hitting a quick spear. He knocks Wyatt down with a shoulderblock and gets a one count. Wyatt breaks out of an armbar only to end up in a Press by Ryback. Wyatt rolls out of the ring and Ryback follows. Short brawl outside. Back inside, Ryback puts Wyatt in the corner but Wyatt comes back with a flying lariat. Wyatt hits a slightly painful looking snapmare and puts on a headlock. Ryback comes back with a Powerslam and gets two. He rushes Wyatt but hits the ringpost. Wyatt hits a nice DDT on the edge of the ring mat and Ryback falls outside. Wyatt jumps and hits a Reverse Senton from the mat to the floor, knocking the wind out of Ryback. The ref counts and Ryback barely gets back into the ring on time. Wyatt attacks immediately, then hits a Running Clothesline in the corner. For some reason, Wyatt thinks it’s time to celebrate on the second turnbuckle and Ryback grabs him and powerbombs him. Wyatt ends up outside and Ryback runs at him for a Meat Hook only to eat a clothesline from Wyatt. Two count back in the ring. Wyatt hits a Suplex Throw, tossing Ryback across the ring. Ryback hits a clothesline, then a Spinebuster. Two count. Wyatt puts Ryback in the corner and holds him there, then sets Ryback up on the top rope. Wyatt goes for the Superplex but Ryback headbutts out of it and hits a NICE splash and nearly gets the pin. Ryback looks hurt. Wyatt goes for Sister Abigail but Ryback breaks it and goes for a Shellshock. Wyatt holds the ropes and tears the top turnbuckle off like a candy wrapper. He knocks Ryback into it, hits Sister Abigail and this match is done around 10:55.
WINNER: Bray Wyatt via Sister Abigail
RATING: **1/2. A bit stalled and clunky. Bray finally got a much-needed win…but this feud really doesn’t mean a lot beyond Wyatt just fucking with Ryback and Ryback trying to fend him off.
We get a teaser spot for Money in the Bank.
We get the Cena/Rusev match reel…
MATCH #4: Rusev (challenger) (w/ Lana) vs. John Cena (champion) in an “I Quit” Match for the WWE United States Championship
Crowd is rabid as hell. Rusev has a mic. He says that half the people in the arena already hate him. He tells Cena to tell him he quits and spare them the pain. Cena finally attacks him around the 2 minute mark but Rusev sends him across the ring, kicks him in the ribs and clotheslines him. The crowd chants for Lana, so Rusev gets her a chair and tells her to sit down? That’ll help. Back in the ring, Cena misses an elbow in the corner and Rusev kicks, punches and headbutts him. Cena won’t quit when the ref gets in his face with a mic, so Rusev continues to kick at him, then hits a dropkick. Kick. Do You Quit? No. Kick. Do you quit? No. Rusev hits a Spinning Heel Kick as the crowd chants for Lana. Rusev goes out to yell at her. Rusev knees him in the chest, then elbows him in the head. He tells Lana to hand him the Russian flag and Rusev waves it. He gives the flag back and it’s Moves 1 through 3. 5KS hits but an AA fails. Cena flies at Rusev who catches him and hits a Fallaway Slam. Cena rolls outside but won’t quit when the ref asks. Rusev tosses him into the stairs. Do You Want to Quit? No. Do You Want to Quit? No.
Rusev is pissed and tosses Cena into the ring, then grabs the steel steps, placing them in the corner. Ref asks about quitting again. Nope. Toss into the stairs. Quit? Nope. Another stairs shot. Quit? Nope. Rusev goes for a move but Cena counters it and backdrops Rusev. Another stair shot. Quit? No. Finally, Cena hits an AA. Rusev langs on the steps. Ref gets in his face. Rusev doesn’t quit and rolls out of the ring. Cena throws the ring steps at him but Rusev moves. They fight outside as Cena sends Rusev into the ringpost. Rusev won’t quit. Cena sends him through the timekeeper’s pit. Rusev won’t quit. Cena rolls some sort of storage container over to Rusev and Rusev just kicks him in the face. John won’t quit and the fight goes into the crowd. Cena goes for an AA but Rusev breaks it and hits a weak Alabama Slam that won’t even break the table he sends Cena into. Cena gets up and hits an AA, then sets up a table. Cena grabs a TV Monitor and slams Rusev in the back with it. Rusev won’t quit and Cena just continues to whack him with it. Rusev hides under the table. Cena retrieves him but Rusev counters and hits the Alabama Slam into the table. Cena won’t quit. Rusev fucks around with the pyro cables, then tries his high kick. Cena counters and tosses Rusev into the pyro beds and fireworks go off, much to Cena’s dismay.
Lana can’t believe it and rushes to Rusev. The ref asks if he wants to quit. He won’t. Cena goes off into the side and grabs a metal crowd gate from 1987. The ref asks Rusev if he wants to quit. Nope. So Cena whacks him with the crowd gate. He sets the crowd gate up against the ring. Cena tries an AA but Rusev counters with a suplex. Cena won’t quit. Rusev tosses Cena into the ring and sets up for the big kick, hitting it. Accolade by Rusev. Cena tries to break it but can’t. Cena falls unconscious. Rusev thinks he’s won but the ref tells Rusev that’s not how it works. Rusev’s pissed and he tears the top buckle pad off, then disconnects the top rope. He revives Cena with a bottle of water and misses the rope shot. Cena hits the STF, using the ring rope. Rusev says a bunch of shit in Bulgarian. Lana runs in and just ends this shit at an overlong 28:02 by saying Rusev quits.
WINNER: John Cena
RATING: * for some very slight entertainment value. This was like a Michael Bay movie: no expenses spared, tons of repetitive action, explosions…and still extremely shitty. And the match ends because Rusev can’t speak English all of the sudden.
Renee Young and the WWE News Desk of Doom tell us how great that match was.
The New Day celebrates with champagne glasses full of milk. Byron says that there’s breaking news about Elimination Chamber: The New Day will defend the titles inside the first ever Elimination Chamber tag team match. The New Day says that isn’t fair and that nothing like that has happened. Byron: “Well…I guess it’s…A NEW DAY.” Oh, man, and he DOESN’T put on the CSI sunglasses. Opportunity was missed there.
MATCH #5: The Bella Twins (Nikki& Brie Bella) vs. Naomi & Tamina
Nikki dropkicks Naomi after an initial assault by Naomi. Tag to Brie and the two hit a nice falling faceslam. Brie hits the Running Brie Mode and the fight spills outside. Brie puts her right back in. The ref pushes Naomi and Tamina kicks Brie’s head off. Naomi stretches Brie while standing on Brie’s hair. Tamina gets into the ring and attacks Nikki, then kicks Brie in the stomach. Tag to Naomi who hits a neckbreaker for a one-count. Brie finally hits a hot tag after countering a move from Naomi. Nikki hits an Alabama Slam but Tamina saves the pin. Nikki kicks her out of the ring. Naomi rolls up Nikki for two. Tamina distracts Nikki. Nikki swings at her and misses like a National League pitcher taking an at-bat. Naomi hits the Rear View but Nikki kicks out at two. Slight chaos in and out of the ring but Naomi knocks Nikki off the top buckle to end this at 6:13.
WINNERS: Naomi & Tamina
RATING: 1/2 a *. Your usual Monday Night RAW Divas Match. Tamina is god-awful. Naomi was the only one that looked like she gave a damn.
We get a look at WWE’s new pile of dogshit show, “Swerved”, which is, essentially, “Punk’d” with WWE stars.
Lana sits in a chair backstage as Rusev paces back and forth. He tells Lana to get out of the room, then picks up her chair and throws it into the wall.
Cole recaps the whole Daniel Bryan quitting saga.
AT ELIMINATION CHAMBER: a match to determine the new IC Champion.
MATCH #6: King Barrett vs. Neville
Neville rolls Barrett up after a corner attack. Barrett rolls out of the ring. Neville tries an air attack but Wade is too hip to this and kicks Neville in the stomach. Back in the ring, Barrett puts Neville on the top buckle and pounds on his back. Kick to the stomach and a two count. Headlock by Barrett. Neville escapes and botches a Springboard move off the rope. Barrett kicks him and stomps him. Barrett boots Neville outside. Once he gets back in, it’s a headlock by Barrett. Neville counters a suplex and finally starts up the offense. He kicks at Barrett and hits a lariat. Standing Shooting Star Press gets two. He goes for the Red Arrow but Barrett attacks him and kicks him in the stomach. He goes for a Bullhammer but misses. Neville runs at Barrett and gets caught in the Winds of Change. Neville hits a beautiful arm drag pin for two. Enzuguri by Neville and it’s Red Arrow time. Barrett rolls out of the ring. Neville hits a Flipping Suicide Dive. Barrett wants to get back in the ring…but just quits. He just walks off and it’s a pointless countout at 7:08.
WINNER: Neville via countout
RATING: **. This match just seemed like it never truly got started with a shit finish. There’s no velocity and nothing on the line here…so what’s with the countout?
Post-match, Barrett attacks Neville, then tries to whack him with the scepter. Neville ducks the shot, knocks him down and hits the Red Arrow.
Another look at a bunch of people trying out for Tough Enough.
Rollins and J&J walk backstage. Kane finds Rollins and tells Rollins “good luck”.
Kane makes his way down to the ring first. He’ll be at ringside because THIS MATCH NEEDS KANE.
MATCH #7: Randy Orton (challenger) vs. Dean Ambrose (challenger) vs. Roman Reigns (challenger) vs. Seth Rollins (champion) (w/ Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury) in a Fatal 4-Way for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Ambrose, Reigns and Orton go outside to take out J&J Security. Rollins tries to leapo at Orton but gets hit in the face. They fight outside. Reigns dives at everyone he sees, then hammers on Rollins in the ring. Reigns runs at Rollins bur Rollins trips him. Ambrose attacks and gets two. Orton saves the pin and goes after Ambrose. Ambrose punches back and hits a bulldog. Orton hits a backbreaker for two. Reigns gets in and hits an uppercut on Orton. He tosses Orton out of the ring. Rollins comes in and he’s all over Reigns with a punch to the back of the head and stomps away. Rollins tries a clothesline but runs into Ambrose. Ambrose tosses Rollins into Reigns and Reigns hits a clothesline. Ambrose and Reigns work together on Rollins with punches to Rollins’ head. Ambrose hits a short-arm clothesline. Reigns and Ambrose start planning. Reigns goes for the Superman Punch but Kane pulls him out of the ring. Ambrose attacks him but Kane beats him up and tosses him into the ring. Orton tries to get involved but J&J jump him and Kane joins the mudhole stomp.
Rollins hits a knee to Ambrose’s stomach and gets two. Rollins hits a Springboard Knee to Ambrose’s head. Two count. Kane removes his shirt as shit’s about to get real. Rollins hits the Buckle Bomb and Superkick but Ambrose kicks out at two. Rollins goes for another Buckle Bomb but Ambrose fights out. Ambrose kicks Rollins. Rollins kicks back. Rebound Clothesline by Ambrose. J&J jump Ambrose. Ambrose knocks them down but Kane comes in and hits a Chokeslam. Two count. Orton attacks Kane. Reigns hits Kane with a Missile Dropkick. Orton clothesline Reigns and it’s Orton and Rollins. Orton tries a powerslam but manages a suplex instead. Orton tries to follow up but Rollins nails him and climbs the top buckle. Orton attacks him and tries the Superplex, hitting it. NEAR fall. Orton clotheslines Rollins outside and tears apart the announce table. Ambrose gets in on the fist fight. So does Reigns. Ambrose, Reigns and Rollins all look at one another and…AND TRIPLE POWERBOMB Orton through the table! Rollins puts his arms around them! The Shield is BACK…Rollins puts his fist out for the Shield Salute…Reigns and Ambrose both stare at him…and attack him. They strip the Spanish table and drop Rollins on it. They powerbomb Kane on top of Rollins but the table won’t break. Crowd chants “ONE MORE TIME” and Reigns and Ambrose oblige, this time, with the table breaking.
Reigns looks at Ambrose and says, “There’s not much left to do…wanna dance?” Ambrose nods. They get into the ring, trading shots. Reigns misses a clothesline. Ambrose hits a press but Reigns grabs him and hits a Driver for two. Superman Punch by Reigns gets two. Reigns goes for the Spear but it’s a close fall as Rollins runs in to save the pin. Rollins rolls out of the ring. Security attacks. Reigns just tosses them around and goes after Rollins. It’s chaose with Ambrose hitting Rollins with Dirty Deeds after Reigns hits a Spear on Rollins. Ambrose pins but Kane saves it, pulling Ambrose outside. Reigns attacks but Kane hits him with the steel stairs. Orton nails Kane and gets in the ring. Orton goes for the Vintage Orton DDT but Security pulls Rollins out. Orton RKO’s both Security guys and hits a HUGE Powerslam in Stride on Rollins as he flies at Orton off the top rope. Orton hits Vintage Orton on Rollins and signals for an RKO but Kane gets in the ring to eat an RKO. Rollins gets up, wraps Orton in a weak, shitty Pedigree and hits it to retain at 21:00.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Seth Rollins via Pedigree
RATING: ****. Abrupt ending and rampant overbooking knock a star off the match, but good match overall that should satisfy everyone — including those of us who wanted a Shield moment.
Triple H comes out to congratulate Rollins as we go off the air.
OVERALL: ***1/2 show for me. Started out incredibly well, then hit a HUGE lull in the middle, only to be capped off by a great main event. I look forward to RAW and the build-up to Elimination Chamber.
Er, that’s it…