So, seriously – I really, honestly forgot that Extreme Rules was this weekend.
The lead-up has been fairly weak with a bunch of guys that, with the exception of Seth Rollins, I just don’t care about at this point.
I keep waiting for Bray Wyatt to become relevant again because he was a lot of fun. I saw potential in Bo Dallas. He’s gone from getting beaten up and forgotten to being beaten up and forgotten with a goatee.
I keep waiting for Finn Balor or somebody else fully cooked from NXT and ready to debut in WWE — and I’ve been rewarded with Neville and Lucha Dragons. That’s all well and good — except The New Day, a DOA tag team, is getting a push. Adam Rose, Ascension and Paige? The first two are complete duds and the third, despite two quickee championship reigns — hasn’t really settled enough. Ugh. How can so much talent be supremely mishandled?
Anyhow, let’s watch the show…
We start with a really weird video montage with creepy mannequins and puppets interspersed with words like OBEY and FOLLOW THE RULES. This leads to a review of all the main feuds on the card.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Chicago, Illinois!!!
JBL, Cole and King are the guys on the mics.
Eden Stiles brings us our first match…
MATCH #1: Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper in a Chicago Street Fight
Harper doesn’t make it to the ring. Ambrose attacks him. Ambrose tosses Harper into the steel steps, then tosses some chairs into the ring. He grabs a Kendo stick, tosses Harper into the ring, and beats Harper with it. Harper retaliates with a suplex into a chair, then grabs the Kendo Stick and beats Ambrose with it. Ambrose tries a Tornado DDT but Harper counters and tosses Ambrose to the mat, then sets up a chair in the corner. He tosses Ambrose into it, then tries to slam him into a chair on the mat but Ambrose reverses it and he eats the chair instead. Harper gets up and rushes Ambrose in the corner but Ambrose kicks Harper and hits the Tornado DDT. The two go at it and Ambrose hits a missile dropkick and a flying elbow fro two. Harper punches Ambrose, which is supposed to go into the Rebound Clothesline but Harper boots him. Ambrose hits the Rebound Clothesline after the fight spills outside and the two fight all the way to the backstage area with Ambrose picking up a large, steel pipe and tossing it at Harper. Harper finds his way to a conveniently-placed SUV and gets in, starting the engine. Ambrose dives into the passenger-side window and the car takes off, heading out of the arena at full speed. The crowd shits all over this. The match is either on hold or over at 8:04.
WINNER: Nobody, it seems.
RATING: DUD. This was not a good start. I mean, this should have been two of the toughest dudes in the company tearing each other apart and we get a few shots with a Kendo stick, a bunch of wrestling and Grand Theft Auto to finish it off. How do you fuck up a “Chicago Street Fight” stip?!
We go back to Cole and JBL and King. They’re stunned and can’t tell if the thing is over either.
Triple H is backstage. Kane approaches. Triple H wants Kane to find out where Harper and Ambrose have gone. Rollins shows up. He wants to know why Kane sabotaged him on Smackdown. Kane and Rollins argue. Triple H finally splits them up. He wants Kane to make sure that nothing happens during the main event. Crowd repays them with a “BORING” chant.
JoJo gives us our next match as Cole, JBL and King introduce us to the Spanish announcers, Marcelo Rodriguez and Carlos Carbrera.
MATCH #2: Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus in a Kiss Me Arse Match
The loser has to kiss the winner’s “arse”, which every commentator has said, numerous times, for the sheer thrill of saying the words “Kiss Me Arse”. Sheamus taunts Ziggler, so Ziggler beats on Sheamus and takes the fight into the corner. The fight spills outside and Ziggler hits a Tornado DDT off the steel steps. The match resumes in the ring as King recollects his “Kiss My Foot” match with Bret Hart, saying that he “didn’t wash his foot for three weeks”. He asks if either guys has…then, cuts off his train of thought and quietly says that going on isn’t a good idea. Cole: Yeah…that’s probably not a good idea. Ziggler tries a Fame-Asser but Sheamus counters with a Senton Powerbomb for two. He taunts Ziggler and puts on a Sleeper. Ziggler fights out and hits a running forearm and a couple corner splashes. He goes for a neckbreaker but Sheamus breaks and hits a lariat. Sheamus goes for a Cloverleaf but Ziggler counters into a Schoolboy. Two count. Ziggler gets up and runs at Sheamus but Sheamus drops Ziggler’s neck on the ropes and hits the Irish Curse Backbreaker. Sheamus calls for the Brogue but Sheamus misses and Ziggler rolls him up for two. Sheamus comes back with a Tilt-a-Whirl Slam for two. Sheamus goes for a supelx but Ziggler counters into another schoolboy and gets the pin at 9:16.
WINNER: Dolph Ziggler
RATING: **1/2. Your usual RAW fare. Surprised that they allowed Ziggler to win here.
Post-match, Sheamus is shocked and pissed and argues with the ref and timekeepers. He gets back into the ring as the crowd chants, “PUCKER UP”. Dolph pulls down his tights but Sheamus won’t do it. This goes on…and on…and on…and on…and on. Finally, Sheamus hits a Low Blow and Brogue. He grabs the mic and says that he promised everyone that Ziggler would be kissing his ass. And then he makes Ziggler do it.
And, at this point, I’m like “Extreme Rules?”
MATCH #3: The New Day (Kofi Kingston & Big E) (challengers) (w/ Xavier Woods) vs. Cesaro & Tyson Kidd (champions) (w/ Natalya) for the WWE Tag Team Championship
Tyson and Kofi start. Kofi wins the first go-round. Tyson wins the second one with an arm drag. Big E tags in and Tyson tags in Cesaro. Cesaro catches E in a rush and he slams E to the mat. Kofi and Tyson tag back in and Kofi dumps him out. Kofi and E gets ready to hit a double team splash on Tyson but Tyson flies back in and takes Kofi out of the ring. E rushes Tyson and Tyson pulls the top rope down. E flies into Kofi. Tyson hits a splash on Kofi. The fight gets back in the ring and New Days has control with a double team dropkick by New Day. E misses a splash and it’s a tag to Cesaro. Cesaro beats the holy shit out of Kofi in two different corners and seems to go for a Spin. Instead, he catapults Kofi into the corner. Kofi counters and grabs the buckle, flying at Cesaro. Cesaro catches him and hits the backbreaker. Cesaro hits a Power Superplex followed by a Flying Elbow by Tyson. Two count. E takes Tyson outside with a Spear. E tosses Tyson back into the ring. Cesaro flies at E but E flips him over to the outside mat. They hit the Big Easy but Cesaro saves the pin. Inside the ring, Tyson hits a Sharpshooter. E saves it. All hell breaks loose with everyone hitting a quick spot before Kofi hits a roll-up on Cesaro, using the tights and we have new champs at around the 10:00 mark.
WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: The New Day
RATING: **3/4. Yes, the team NOBODY can stand and who are supremely unpopular somehow got a massive push OVER two much better wrestlers who were over with the fans upon arrival — and they just beat a team with great heat and who are far better wrestlers and over with the fans as well. At this point, I think Creative is trolling us.
We go to the WWE Newsdesk of Doom and get a report that Wade Barrett was beaten by Neville earlier tonight.
Backstage, Renee introduces The New Day as the new Tag Team champs. Crowd shits on it. Xavier Woods says that the sun has risen. There’s more but a certain SUV shows up. Harper spills out of the passenger seat. New Day helps him up. Ambrose leaps at him but misses and takes out the New Day instead.
Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper in a Chicago Street Fight (continued)
They make their way out to the ring again as Cole reminds us that this match “continues because there are no countouts”, as if we couldn’t surmise that for ourselves. Both men toss a shit-ton of chairs into the ring. Ambrose goes for Dirty Deeds but Harper counters with the Sitting Powerbomb for two. Harper puts a bunch of chairs on top of Ambrose and goes to the top rope but Ambrose pulls him down for Dirty Deeds and wins it at around 11: 30 or so, all told. Or, hell, 46 minutes if you’re being accurate enough. Too bad we didn’t get to see that, huh?
WINNER: Dean Ambrose via Dirty Deeds
RATING: Still a DUD. Give them props, at least, for not forgetting this fight was going on. Even still, this was garbage all the way around. What was the point of restarting the match? The end didn’t improve things.
WWE Payback is on May 17th.
MATCH #4: Rusev (challenger) (w/ Lana) vs. John Cena (champion) in a Russian Chain Match for the WWE United States Championship
The only way to win this is if one of these guys can touch all four corners. The two men pull the chain. Rusev tosses Cena into one corner. Rusev touches that corner as well as the adjacent corner. Cena fights back and hits a couple corners. The light resets each time one of the other fighters gets the best of the fight. The fight spills outside and Rusev hits kicks to Cena’s chest. He suplexs Cena back into the ring and hits two corners. Cena fights back and we reset. Rusev tosses Cena back outside but Cena pulls Rusev into the ringpost. They get back into the ring. Rusev hits a spinning kick after Cena hits another couple of buckles. Rusev nails Cena with the chain and whips him in the back with it. Rusev hits three corners, but Cena rolls out of the ring. Rusev reaches for the last one. Cena won’t let it happen, pulls him over and attacks him. The lights are reset. Cena hits a clothesline with the chain and hits one corner. He crawls over and hits another corner. Rusev gets up and attacks. Lights waved up. Cena hits Move #1 but Rusev catches him and hits a Fallaway Slam and botched Superkick of sorts. The crowd chants for Lana. Rusev isn’t happy and tells her to leave. She does. Cena hits #3 after Rusev pays more attention. Cena hits the 5KS but Rusev counters into an Alabama Slam. Rusev tries the Accolade but Cena counters into the STF. Cena hits the first three buckles but Rusev rolls out of the ring. Cena goes after him and tosses him into the ring. AA but Cena is countered by Rusev. He hits the Accolade. Cena gets up and Rusev drops him, hitting three corners. Cena grabs him and hits the AA. Rusev hits a corner. Cena hits the opposite. Cen hits another. Rusev hits two and Cena hits another. Three corners are lit for each. Cena hits a quick AA on Rusev and tags the the last corner to retain at 13:34.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: John Cena
RATING: **1/2. Memorable? No. I have a soft spot for the gimmick matches that WCW/NWA used to put on. This was fun to watch but not a great match by any means.
Cena celebrates and we FINALLY get the American flag hanging down from the ceiling.
Renee is with Roman Reigns backstage. She asks what his thoughts are on Big Show tonight. He says that Show has beaten him repeatedly, but that he keeps getting back up.
MATCH #5: Nikki Bella (champion) (w/ Brie Bella) vs. Naomi (challenger) for the WWE Divas Championship
Naomi’s wearing black leather and LED-lit shoes and glasses. Hopefully, her moveset matches the “new” Naomi. Nikki hits a forearm and snapmare, then hits a Cross Arm Breaker. Naomi breaks it and slams Nikki to the mat. Naomi gets two. Naomi hits another slam and elbow drop for two. Nikki rolls up Naomi for two. Naomi responds with a bulldog into the turnbuckle. Two count. Naomi goes for a Rear View but Nikki holds onto the ropes. She attacks Naomi but Nikki counters it and puts her to the mat, getting two. Nikki rolls out of the ring. Brie helps her sister up. Naomi kicks Brie and puts Nikki into the ring. Nikki comes back with clotheslines and dropkick. Nikki hits the Alabama Slam for two. Naomi hits a falling Reverse DDT and gets two. Naomi goes for a Split-Legged Moonsault but Nikki moves. She puts Naomi’s face across her knee and gets two. Nikki tries the Rack Attack but Naomi kicks out and drops Nikki on the mat for two. Nikki kicks at Naomi and hits a Springboard Enzuguri for two. Naomi beats up Nikki as Naomi gets to the bottom rope to break. The ref stops Nikki from continuing. Brie kicks Naomi in the head from outside the ring and Nikki hits the Rack Attack to retain at 7:17.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Nikki Bella via Rack Attack
RATING: **. Just ok. This should have been The New Day jobbing to the champs, but Creative knows something I don’t.
Backstage, Rusev berates Lana. She looks dejected and walks into The Authority’s office.
We get the build-up for Roman Reigns vs. Big Show.
MATCH #6: Big Show vs. Roman Reigns in a Last Man Standing Match
The winner has to knock their opponent out for a count of ten. Show tosses Reigns into the corner but Reigns fights out. He rushes Show and Show knocks him down with a shoulderblock. Reigns comes back and hits a HUGE shoulderblock, putting him out of the ring. Reigns goes under the ring and grabs a table. He puts it in the ring and Show attacks him. He grabs the table and puts it back under the ring. He picks Reigns up but Reigns counters and sends Show into the ringpost. Reigns goes for another table but Show attacks him, then breaks the table in half with his bare hands. Reigns goes for a Kendo but Show grabs him and tosses him into the ringpost. Show tosses Reigns into the ring, then busts Kendo in half, tossing it out of the ring. Show beats on him but Reigns fights back and leaps at him, only to have Show nail him in the throat. Reigns rolls outside. Show pulls him back in but Reigns drops his throat on the top rope, gets a chair and whacks Show with it repeatedly. Show gets up at seven. Reigns gets up and gets a couple of tables, then rushes Show. Show hits a KO Punch — but Reigns gets up at eight. Show plays balls and unfurls one of the tables Reigns got. He goes for a Chokeslam but Reigns counters and hits a Samoan Drop into the table. Reigns gets up at six. Show gets up at eight.
Show quickly hits a Spear and Reigs gets up at eight. Show goes to the top buckle but Reigns knocks him down. Reigns laughs, rolls out of the ring and gets two tables, setting them both up outside the ring. Reigns grabs Show and tries the Superplex but Show tosses him away. Show goes to the top turnbuckle but Reigns tosses him to the mat. Show gets up at eight. Reigns hits two Superman Punches and tries a third but Show catches him and Chokeslams Reigns into the two tables outside. Reigns somehow gets up right before the ten count. Show goes outside and gets the steel ring steps. setting them up near the timekeeper table. He tells the announce team to leave. They vacate the table. Both men get into the ring. Show mocks Reigns with Reigns’ howl and goes for the Spear but misses and hits a table in the corner. Both men get up at eight. Reigns hits a Spear. Reigns gets up at seven. Show gets up and rolls out of the ring at eight. Reigns chases and Spears Show through the timekeeper’s barricade. Both men get up around nine. Reigns goes for Show near the announce table. Show grabs him for the Chokeslam. Reigns fights out, drops off the announce table and Spears Show through the Spanish Announce Table. Show gets up at eight. Reigns picks up the regular announce table and dumps it on top of Show. Reigns stands on top of it for good measure, so Show can’t get up, and Reigns wins at 19:47.
WINNER: Roman Reigns
RATING: ***1/4 for me. This was the booster shot the show needed.
Bo Dallas is out to inspire everyone. Ryback interrupts. He destroys Dallas with a Meat Hook and Shell Shock. Mm-Kay. Thankfully, there’s no Bray Wyatt to interrupt the proceedings because that would have meant there was a point to what we just saw.
We get a look at all the stuff coming up on WWE Network this week. Apparently, the King of the Ring isn’t even good enough to be a PPV or on RAW. It’s this Tuesday.
Byron Saxton has Rusev backstage. He says that Cena “has never beaten him”. You know, except for just now and at WrestleMania. Apparently, Cena and Rusev will face off at Payback FOR THE FOURTH GODDAMN TIME in an “I QUIT” Match”, thanks to Lana who Rusev screamed at.
The steel cage lowers as we get the video montage or Rollins and Orton.
MATCH #7: Randy Orton (challenger) vs. Seth Rollins (champion) in a Steel Cage Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship (Kane is the “Gatekeeper” and the RKO is banned from this match)
Rollins tries to escape early. Orton pulls him off and beats the hell out of him. Orton hits a catapult but Rollins grabs the cage and starts climbing out. Orton pulls him down and beats on him, but Rollins hits the Buckle Bomb for two. Rollins goes for the door. Kane lets him go through but Orton stops him and pulls him back in. Rollins counters and tosses Orton into the cage. He stomps at Orton and tries to climb the cage. Orton wakes up and knocks him off, hitting uppercuts. Rollins gets the upper hand and keeps him down. Orton comes back with clotheslines. He misses the In-Stride Powerslam and Rollins begins to climb. Rollins knocks Orton to his feet and then leaps at Orton, hitting a knee, getting two. Rollins climbs again and makes it to the top of the cage. Orton chases and the two have a fist-fight up there. Finally, Orton knocks to the mat, then comes down and hits the Powerslam for two. Orton tries for the Elevated DDT but Rollins fights out and hits the Mini-Superkick. Rollins goes to the top of the cage. Orton chases and, somehow, J&J Security show up and get by Kane to help Rollins out. Orton kicks the cage, knocking them off. Orton drags Rollins in and hits a Superplex for two. J&J climb up on the cage. Orton tosses Rollins into both guys, then goes to the door. Kane just stares. Orton hits the Elevated DDT and then gloats. He signals for the RKO — but then goes for a Pedigree, hitting it — but Rollins kicks out. Orton sets up for The Punt. but misses. Rollins hits a quick Enzuguri. Rollins yells for Kane to open the door. Kane does it. Randy Orton drags him back in and hits the Inverted Backbreaker. Orton goes to get out — but Kane shuts the door. Rollins tries to dropkick Orton, but misses, and nails the gate (and Kane) instead. Rollins tries to escape through the door. Orton stops him. Kane slams the door on both of them, then goes into the ring. J&J stops him, so Kane hits a double chokeslam on both. Kane signals for a Chokeslam — but, oh, guess what? He grabs Orton instead and hits it. Rollins tries to escape — but Kane grabs him and hits a Chokeslam as well. Kane picks up Rollins’ arm and drapes it over Orton — but it’s only a two-count. Kane’s pissed. Man, there’s an amazing amount of INTERFERENCE FOR A STIPULATION THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO PREVENT IT. He goes back inside — but Orton hits an RKO on Kane — which is against the rules, but fuck it. We’re going the full nine here. Rollins wakes and hits an RKO on Orton, which makes absolutely no sense whatsofuckingever, and escapes the cage to retain at 21:00.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Seth Rollins
RATING: **1/2. Overbooking hell, yet again.
Post-match, Rollins celebrates as we go off the air.
OVERALL: **. Nothing special. New Day winning the tag titles is a middle finger, most especially.
Er, that’s it.