I never wanted children.
I see them as a siphon of many things. Money. Time. Energy.
The rewards can be in excess if you choose to have them, no matter the process. You might be team Journey or team Destination, but a child’s going to be a child, no matter how much you try to wrangle them in, and there’s no Rosetta Stone for kids.
It is in the fifth episode of What We Do In The Shadows (FX) titled “Private School” where sometimes it takes a village to raise one… or maybe find their own in it.
At the vampire residence, Baby Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) is running amok like it’s his second life’s goal. From waking up Nandor (Kayvan Novak) mid-slumber to breaking toys and setting the box en flambe, he’s figuring out things.
While everybody in the house thinks this bundle of napalm that crawled out of the chest cavity of Colin Robinson is an energy suck, Laszlo (Matt Berry) believes he’s anything but a bore, refusing to see what’s right before him: energy drainage doesn’t only exist in the one form, just ask any parent.
In fact, Laszlo is so invested in the vibrancy the boy emanates, that he believes a future artist may be walking (or running, sword in hand) in their midst.
Guillermo (Harvey Guillen) suggests enrolling him in school, so that he may burn off the energy around his peers, but Laszlo refuses, as he believes no child is even in the ballpark to his equal.
Tossing in his two cents, Nandor suggests sending Baby Colin to a performing arts academy: tutelage that engages the active mind.
While not a bad idea, the crew isn’t focusing on the message but rather on the messenger. Something is off about him, and they can’t quite put their finger on it. He looks as if he’s been baked through one of those free phone filters.
Though Guillermo is steadfast in sending him to public school, as he went there, Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) suggests a very selective private school to save the chap the shame of rubbing shoulders with the hoi polloi.
However, despite her believing they can afford a private institution on account of the club’s nightly windfall, Guillermo insists as bookkeeper they aren’t exactly Scrooge McDucking it. In fact, all profits are supposed to go to what crumbling roof they have over their heads.
Las knows the easy fix is for Nan to use his djinn (Anoop Desai) to fix the whole kit and kaboodle but he’s only met with a “legally” not possible dodge.
They can all see through him, or maybe they’re just squinting their eyes too hard to figure out what the shit is going on with his look and his djinn’s purpose to serve his master the ‘Gram.
At the nightclub, Baby Colin Robinson’s version of “Meet Me Tonight In Dreamland” is brought to a halt in favor of him jumping to a table of child-like vampires. He’s fervently curious about their thoughts on the new MrBeast video, but they are 143 years young.
The incident has Laszlo changing his tune, opening up dialogue for schooling. With Guillermo presenting the house with some brochures, everybody seems to somewhat be on the same page (even if a freshly eye-lifted Nandor can’t see it.)
Before talks can commence, however, an answer might have presented itself in the form of neighbor Sean (Anthony Atamanuik) carrying a petulant Baby Colin. That corporeal cherry bomb had grown tired of his water-logged basement and set sail for new walls to land his mighty ball-peen hammer.
Sean recommends sending the kid to Helen Country Day School. With him being an alumn and having an in with the headmaster, Laszlo without hesitation is sold.
The next night, the crew is off to a stirring start of replicating human normalcy. Nadja looks like she’s just come from a Zombies concert, Nandor- a zoot suit riot, and Laszlo a Hot Topic circa Limp Bizkit. I mean, ya can’t give them one for trying.
Changing, save for Nadja, Sean arrives with Headmaster Warren (Peter Francis James). Donning his stage wear, Baby Colin makes a scripted introduction before being scurried off to bed. Now the interview with the vampires may commence.
The first question is veritable softball: who are the parents?
Flustered, Nadja puts Sean and Warren temporarily under to figure out their next step. Since Laszlo introduced himself as the uncle beforehand, Nandor, however silly the pairing (and his jacked-up face) looks, the screening continues and the first pairing is presented.
With Nandor playing the role of ‘Matthew’, Sean looks slightly confused as he knows that Laszlo and Nadja are married, so another snap of the fingers prompts another switcheroo, making the Relentless the Groundskeeper and Laszlo hubby once more.
After regaling the story of adoption to Warren, another flicker of Nadja’s finger and Nandor’s suggestion to be more unorthodox has him and Laszlo posing as the gay parents… the very sexually expressive two dads. Very. Expressive.
Sean thinking Guillermo a homophobe because he whispered to Nadja warrants another Snap!
When asked about Colin in general, Guillermo swoops in with a few tidbits. Snap!
At the risk of appearing as absentee guardians who let their nanny do all the work, Guillermo’s now the single father.
All seems back on track until Warren mentions a famous parent “that’s been in more than a few Law & Order” episodes whose child attends the school. Just say it with me, folks… Snap!
Nadja’s accusing the poor administrator of being a ‘starfucker’ in the pure roll call sense and two hours later, Impractical Joker’s Sal Vulcano is on the couch, staring at the Headmaster, going along with the joke (anything for SAG minimum!) but as soon as Sean doesn’t recognize Nandor, Snap! goes Nadja and SNAP! goes hubby to the Tenderloin. His funny blood will not go to waste.
Guillermo figures it’s just easier to hypnotize the headmaster into letting Colin in, but both they all stupidly see the long game as the only course of action.
So much for cutting out the ridiculousness! (Dyrdek’s next, I assure you.)
This includes almost Monkees tv show comedy permutations ending with dead Sal Vulcano and a skunk as the couple before Laszlo calls it quits.
Suffering migraines, Warren and Sean call it a night, but the last matter of attending to is Colin’s transcripts.
Before a percussive meeting of Nadja’s thumb and middle can occur, Guillermo promises them on the headmaster’s desk by the next day.
Such was accomplished by him bribing a former guidance counselor to falsify them.
This was all done in cash. He’s got a bit of drip now as well, rocking the gold watch, new digs including some bomb ass Nike’s.
Curious, the camera crew follows him from a distance to a blood-red Jeep before he drives off.
They tail him all the way to an apartment as appliances are unloaded.
Guillermo hugs his mother Silvia (Myrna Cabello) before he notices the camera.
As a resident bookkeeper, Guillermo’s been ‘skimming’ from the top, though he insists, it’s not stealing- it’s simply providing for his family which he has two of!
My dude missed 3 of his mother’s last birthdays, so I think a little wiggle room can be paved.
Though a fat stack momentarily left with the cameraman wasn’t enough to break the code, Gizmo’s asserting power.
Woefully, after all the frustration, Baby Colin did not get in. Something about Headmaster Warren suffering a massive stroke hours after the interview might have played a part.
Most humans can only take 7 hypnosis in an hour… this poor bastard withstood 428.
The easier and cheaper option was there all along, though, with them ultimately enrolling Sonic in a boy’s body to every community sports league imaginable, some, one after the other so that by nightfall, the tyke’s too pooped to even get up from his bed.
As for Nandor looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein, a wish to return to normalcy is far more attractive, even though the process ironically was for his bride-to-be.
With the slight jape by ‘hubby Laszlo’ to Nandor’s regular visage, his roommate promises there will be no reaming tonight, even if his fake beloved scratches at his door like a “horny little squirrel, looking to bury his nuts.”
Speaking of, in a slight departure from other episodes, we get a little mid-credits tease, seeing Guillermo present Nadja with the night’s haul and her stash the cash.
Hey, physician, heal thyself… or in both cases, pay thyself.