Season 4, Episode 4 – “Divas on Overdrive”
Air Date – July 21, 2015
(By Danielle Stolman w/ Matt Perrii)
When we last left Total Divas, they had just returned from pseudo-San Francisco after experiencing WrestleMania 31. Brie and Daniel Bryan learned that it was possible for them to have kids because Brie is fertile despite Brie Mode and Bryan has more semen than a Russian submarine. Nikki and Eva Marie hate each other because Eva is not in Florida. Natalie and her father, Jim, are kinda-not-really at odds and Jim’s still on Cocaine after all these years.
How does this week turn out? Let’s go…
Nikki’s staying with Brie and Bryan for a few days since John’s out of town and his gigantic castle is too scary to stay in by herself. Nikki says that her and Brie date “totally intelligent men”, so, like…it sucks. She says that she learned a new word the other day: “Abscond”, which Nikki pronounces, “Uh-scon”. Nikki isn’t smart. She says she isn’t smart. (MATT: Off to a GREAT start this week!) Daniel Bryan asks her for the answer to “16+8”. “28,” she says. Bryan asks her to add 17 and 13. “20,” she says. Daniel Bryan teaches her basic math. Hilarity ensues.
We get the following graphic:
I CAN LOVE YOU
AND STILL DISLIKE YOU
— Daniel Bryan
(MATT: Ohhhh…I like where this is going…)
Cenote (Coffee House)
Paige and Alicia Fox yack outside about Paige moving into Fox’s place. Fox says she might invite her new boyfriend, Kevin, over to have a “sleepover”. In a voiceover, she reveals that she’s dating Kevin Skaff, the lead guitarist from A Day to Remember. Fox doesn’t want her having sex in the house. Fox does say, however, that “guitarists are good with their fingers” Then they do goofy, wiggly shit with their fingers, while slurring like Keith Richards. (MATT: All right…what’s in coffee cups, girls?)
Nikki points out a little kid running around the restaurant and she thinks he’s “cute”. She asks Brie if she wants a kid. She says she does. Bryan says he wouldn’t be opposed to kids right now. Nikki whines about being “left in the dust” (MATT: …and the producers continue to sit a stool down next to this premise so they can milk it to death…) and says she’ll never be married or have a kid. Bryan just shrugs and says she’ll be by herself. Nikki says that when she hits John with a guilt trip, they always take expensive trips and what not. Byran says Nikki’s too selfish for a kid. Nikki gives him double middle fingers. Nikki tells the camera that Bryan “loves to tease her”. Bryan toasts to Nikki “never having babies”. Nikki says that there are times when Bryan doesn’t know when to quit — and we get the following clips:
- Bryan saying that Nikki looks bloated
- Bryan looking at Nikki in a short skirt and boots. Brie says Nikki looks like she’s “going clubbing” while Bryan says she’s “going to the corner”.
Bryan excuses himself from the table. Nikki says that Bryan feels bad for her. Bryan calls her a “failure”. Nikki plays the “no, you” game and then says she feels like a “third wheel”. (MATT: Once again — that’s not how you say it…)
Nattie & Tyson’s house
Nattie loves cats. We all know that. She explains that she is friends with a local cat shelter called “Rebels Rescue” and that the shelter just happened to dump their entire cat population on Nattie. Nattie says that this is a cause she cares about. Sandy from RR comes over to dump all the cats on Nattie, who tells Sandy that they’re going to put the cats in the covered patio with a pool. (MATT: Where she’ll dress them in bikinis and serve them tiki drinks.) Nattie counts the cats. There are 18 cats. Tyson asks Nattie what they’re gonna do with 18 cats. Tyson’s not happy about this. Nattie says they have “already committed” to doing this. (MATT: What’s the over/under on how long it takes for Tyson to storm out of the house this week?) Nattie tells the camera that Tyson is “going to have to put up with stuff like this” if he wants to be married to her. (MATT: Whoa! Those were my ex-wife’s wedding vows!) A cat escapes from Nattie’s cat-hell and demands to know how. Tyson discovers a tear in the screen walls surrounding the pen. (MATT: And Tyson immediately begins planning his own escape…)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Self Help Fest 2015
Paige hangs with her boyfriend. They rock out, they take pics with fans and Paige suggests they’re the “Brangelina of the music world”. She runs into two frumpy-looking twin girls and Paige calls them “Brie and Nikki”. (MATT: And, if they had never met Daniel Bryan and John Cena, they might actually look like those girls.) Paige says that him and Kevin click because they’re opposites. One of the stage staff drives them to a meet and greet in a golf cart and Paige prefers to get on the roof to “Whitesnake”, rubbing herself seductively and kicking her legs up in the air. (MATT: They should hire her to do burlesque at senior living communities.) Paige meets her friend, Bing, your prototypical hipster douche with the thick rim glasses and a neckbeard. Paige wants to chop his chest like the Big Show does. Bing lets her do it because it’s the only way Bing can ever get a woman to touch him.
Nattie & Tyson’s house
Meanwhile, the Missing Cat Crisis lurches forward, so Nattie does what any responsible pet owner would do: she calls her parents over to the house and freaks out. (MATT: Best line from her Mom – “Can’t you find another one that looks just like it and replace it so nobody knows?”) Suddenly, they have “19 cats” instead of “18”, but who’s counting, right? Jim says the “cat is gone” and says that they live near a swamp with “real snakes and gators”. They all stand there as Nattie’s Mom asks what Nattie’s gonna do. (MATT: This was such an awesome plan.) Nattie says that her and Tyson are going to Europe so, good luck, Mom and Dad! The Anvil plays with a cat and it tries to bat at his hand. Anvil’s stuck and doesn’t know what to do.
Brie and Daniel’s House
Nikki’s just out of the shower and–. (MATT: WHOA. WHAT? WHAT’D I MISS?! DID SHE TWIRL YET?!) Sit down. Nikki can’t find her clothes. (MATT: Yeah…go on…) She asks Brie where they went. Brie tells her that they’re hanging in the shed in the yard. Nikki wants to know what they’re doing there and, lo and behold, we get exposition like we’re watching a movie by Christopher Nolan: Daniel, pissed about their clothes being pushed to the back of the closet, elects to move her clothes to the shed. Nikki, with perfect hair and make-up, ventures outside to the shed barefoot in just a bath towel. She whines about how each thread of each shirt costs more than a Ferrari. Nikki’s shocked (shocked!) that Bryan would do such a thing. She’s even more shocked when she finds her Louis Vitton shoes carefully packed in their red velvet bags and placed neatly on top of the Tupperware container full of Christmas decorations. The Bellas trek back inside, clothes in arms (MATT: Shouldn’t they be carrying them by the hangers so they don’t WRINKLE?!)
DENVER, CO for WWE Main Event
Paige and Kevin are hanging out in the Catering room and Paige tells the camera she has big news, which we get with another flashback: (MATT: Kevin was Bane the entire time.) No…Paige is moving in with Kevin. It’s gonna be weird when Alicia shows up — oh, there she is. Naomi’s with her. They joke and take pics with one another. Paige has NO idea how to tell Fox that she’s NOT moving in with her — so she just blurts it out and runs away. Fox chases her. (MATT: And all we’re missing is the Benny Hill music.) When we come back, Paige drops the bomb on Fox. Fox calls him a “scratch and sniff boyfriend” because he just got into Paige’s life right after her old boyfriend left her. Fox leaves and says she can’t stop Paige. Anyhow, nothing happens. Naomi asks if she’s ok. Fox says she’s fine and says she isn’t a fan of roommates anyhow.
Nikki’s getting her make-up done. Bryan’s getting his beard trimmed. Nikki’s pissed that Bryan moved her stuff. Bryan doesn’t care. Nikki says she “took five inches”. (MATT: Man, John’s not very big…) OF CLOSET SPACE! (MATT: Oh…) Daniel asks her if she knows “what five inches is”. Nikki smiles and nods. Bryan tells her to show him. (MATT: *Chuckles, giggles*) She does. Bryan: “You’re full of crap.” Shit gets real. Bryan calls her self-serving and materialistic. Nikki denies this. She says she “helps animals”. Bryan tells her she can lie all she wants, all she does is buy and consume expensive stuff she doesn’t need like leather jackets and Louis Vitton shoes and the like. Brie stands there, grinning at her sister. Bryan: “She’s the worst.” Nikki says Bryan “makes her upset”. Bryan and Brie leave the room before “Bryan’s head explodes”.
Naomi and Alicia Fox are ready to get their match started — except that Fox is eyeballing Wade Barrett — and she’s still upset with Paige.
Naomi beats Fox in their match.
Alicia’s New House
Paige didn’t bring a gift for Fox’s Housewarming Party. Fox (MATT: Who’s either already hit the sauce, I think…it’s hard to tell with her…she acts like a drunken mess no matter what time of day they film her…) gives a drunken speech about Paige and how she was supposed to move in with her. Paige fake smiles and gives Fox a look like, “Where the fuck are you going with this?” Fox “honors” Kevin for taking Paige away and letting her have the place to herself. Kevin looks uncomfortable while Paige winces. Kevin compliments Fox on the deer head on her wall and says that he heard Fox killed the deer herself. Fox says she didn’t kill it but “dated it once”. (MATT: Still not sure if she’s drunk, to be honest…hang on…) Fox starts talking about Paige’s old boyfriend, Bradley, and basically says they’re the same person. We get a side-by-side pic of the two of them and, yeah, they look the same. Paige and Kevin aren’t having it. Paige gets up and drags Kevin into the kitchen, apologizing to Kevin and telling him that Fox is drunk off her ass.
PROVIDENCE, RI for WWE Main Event
Fox pummels Brie inside a ring.
Nattie runs into Big Show backstage. (MATT: And immediately jobs to him and Kane.) She says Show looks skinny. Show says he’s losing weight but always turns around and finds it again. Tyson hangs backstage as well. Nattie tells them that Titus, Heath Slater and Adam Rose wanna ride with them to the next city tonight. (MATT: Is the missing cat at the club?! Am I crazy here? Wasn’t that Nattie’s plot for the week?) Tyson says no. Nattie says she can’t say no. Adam Rose shows up for some face time and thanks Tyson for the ride tonight, then leaves. Tyson ok’s it and says she’s doing the driving.
Paige, Jimmy Uso, Naomi, Alicia Fox and Emma all get into the arena’s service elevator while Titus barks about a “field trip”.
Brie and Nikki load up their car and they’re bitching at one another.
Titus and Tyson argue about who put what bag in the back of their car.
Titus wants to know what he smells. Heath says it’s his breath. Titus: “No, that’s yo’ ass.” Titus farts. Rose is not happy. Tyson and Nattie are disgusted.
Jimmy Uso and Naomi’s Car
They get cute. Naomi says she loves him to the moon. Jimmy: “I love you until the stop sign.”
The Bellas Car
Fox is drunk and nothing makes sense.
Team Tyson Car
Nattie wants to play “Would You Rather”. Nattie: “Would you rather have a child with Layla…or…would you rather…uh…? Giant pause here. (MATT: OMFG STOP.) Rose: “Maybe you should prep your questions before you ask them…” Tyson facepalms while driving. Titus wants to know when everyone lost their virginity. Slater says he was 11. Slater wants to know about Tyson. Tyson says he was a “late bloomer”. Nattie IMMEDIATELY gets involved, saying this doesn’t need to be discussed. Titus fills in the blanks and wants to know if Nattie was his first. Tyson confirms it. Nattie’s embarrassed. Tyson gets crude and starts clapping his hands, yelling “WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!”
G. I’m getting sick of the cuts. Nikki whines about Bryan some more. Brie defends Bryan and tells Nikki that if she sold all of her shit, she could probably buy a house. Nikki: “I have a home.” (MATT: Somebody please tell me again how Nikki would survive without Cena. Because, really, this episode completely disproves the notion that she could.)
More shit about the moon.
Titus farts. Again.
Fox criticizes Paige for “bringing men around” in great numbers. Paige lets Fox have it for the party bullshit. Emma’s reaction? “Huh.” Fox, once again, reminds Paige of Kevin’s similarities to Bradley. Paige tells her to back off and then calls Naomi to tell her that she’s getting out of Fox’s car so she can ride with them. Naomi agrees. Fox pulls up at a gas station. Paige screams at Fox. Fox…kinda…yells or something. Emma tells them not to fight.
Emma looks cold, tired and scared. (MATT: She looks that way all the time. It’s like Fox being perpetually drunk.) Paige and Fox yell at each other and sound like they’re ready to tear each other’s heads off — and Jimmy Uso grins while videoing the whole thing with his phone. Paige leaves with Jimmy and Naomi. Emma leaves with Fox. (MATT: I’d point out how Emma and Fox being compatible makes no sense but we’re past that point with this episode.)
Paige explains what Fox has been up to. Naomi points out that Fox isn’t pissed about the guys in Paige’s life. She’s pissed because Paige changed her mind about the move.
Everyone stops for snacks. Nattie apologizes to Tyson for making him ride with everyone. (MATT: “It’s ok,” he tells her. “I know you’re upset about the missing cat.” Just kidding. That never happened.)
More whining. Brie calls Bryan. This is the actual conversation:
BRIE: She threw away your brain teaser game.
NIKKI: It was making a mess…
BRYAN: “Making a mess”?
NIKKI: Yeah…it was, like, all over the place.
BRYAN: That’s why you’re supposed to put it back together…
NIKKI: Well, I couldn’t because I couldn’t figure it out, so I threw it away…
BRYAN: That’s not the Brain Teaser’s fault…
(MATT: This is the longest fucking episode of this show I’ve ever seen.)
Bryan says he doesn’t hate Nikki. He says he can love Nikki but still dislike her. Nikki says she doesn’t like the jokes. Then she pouts. Brie tells Bryan to apologize to Queen Nikki. Bryan says he loves Nikki and agrees to quit making fun of her if it helps. Queen Nikki puts her nose back up. (MATT: Only Queen Nikki is allowed to make fun of people.)
Heath tells everyone that his friend “owns a place” and that they should all stop there to eat. They all reluctantly agree. They arrive at a place called “Cover Girls” whose marquee advertises strippers — but, also $2 Dollar Steaks on Wednesdays, so Heath was technically telling the truth! (MATT: Sounds legit to me!)
Cover Girls (Strip Club)
(MATT: Great. Blurred boob for the next five minutes. If I wanted to see censored body parts, I could have looked up some imported hentai. At least we’re out of the car, I guess.) Titus announces that Nattie’s in the house. Tyson isn’t digging any of this. He leaves. Nattie follows him. (MATT: Anyone collect on his walk-out?) Nattie goes back in and confronts Heath Slater about his the whole “restaurant” idea. She says Slater was dishonest. Slater goes technical and tells her that he said, “they were going to eat at his buddy’s” and “this is buddy’s!” Rose and Titus and Slater all shout “Buddy” at her. Nattie smiles. Tyson sits alone in the car. Titus picks Nattie up and puts her up on stage. Nattie learns how to pole dance. Nattie hugs the strippers and thanks them for their time. Nattie and crew leaves.
Nattie apologizes to Tyson and says, “I’ll make it up to you later.” The guys in the car all howl in approval.
(MATT: We’re doing this again?) Paige talks about her boyfriend.
Fox: “I hope we get there before I fall asleep at the wheel…”
Emma (suddenly looking up from her phone, frightened) “Uh…yeah! Me too!”
Fox: “Just kidding!”
Brie tells her sister that she doesn’t think it’s fair that Bryan should have to change to suit Nikki. She says that Nikki’s made this into a huge issue. Brie recalls the time when Nikki didn’t have a valentine and Bryan didn’t want her to feel left out, so he went out of his way to buy her flowers and they got there before Brie’s did. Nikki smiles and her eyes light up. (MATT: Not bad for a little threesome leverage…) Nikki suddenly tells the camera that Bryan’s cool by teasing her.
Hilton Garden Inn
Fox, Paige and Emma go to check in. Emma says they’re all one big happy family and smiles weakly. Then she looks at Paige and asks if what she’s saying is true. Paige just glares. Fox tells Emma that Paige needs a nap because she’s acting like a kid. Paige: “I have a boyfriend, though…one that I’m moving IN with…” Fox tells the camera that she doesn’t need a “bootleg boyfriend”. Fox continues taunting Paige, who just stares at her.
Nattie and Tyson’s Hotel Room
Nattie’s mom calls. One of the cats threw up on the porch. Tyson says she has a hell of a vocabulary but, somehow, the word “NO” isn’t one of the words she knows. Tyson says the shelter called and wanted to leave her with 20 cats. (MATT: 20 GODDAMN CATS?! It was 18 at the beginning of the show and 19 five minutes later! What are they, Gremlins?!) Somehow, Nattie let them walk all over her. Nattie says she hates saying “no”. Tyson says every single time she just says “yes”, it affects both of them. Nattie pouts and then asks where Cesaro is because she wants to “make out with him”. Tyson laughs.
WWE LIVE EVENT
Nattie tells Titus, Rose and Slater to keep what was said last night to themselves. They ask what happened between her and Tyson. She says, “no” and walks away.
Fox is still pissed off. Naomi says they were both wrong. She tells Fox that they need to make up and that Fox can begin her side of things by respecting Paige’s boundaries and not hounding her about her boyfriend. They both watch what’s happening in the ring and the camera cuts to Barrett watching the match.. (MATT: MATCHCEPTION…) Fox decides to cover the TV with a piece of paper because she can’t stand seeing her ex.
Fox checks out Barrett. Paige tells Barrett to keep walking. Fox wants to make things better. Fox says she still wants Barrett. Paige tells her not to go back once something is over. Fox says that Paige is like a sisters and sisters fight. They goof off and laugh and everything’s juuuuuust fine.
And, with that, we’re finally done.
(MATT: Did we miss the end scene where they find the missing cat? Was he hiding in one of the arenas? What the fuck?)
HUGS AND PUNCHES
My hug goes to…Tyson: Because, seriously, bro. He’s putting up with dominatrix’s, Nattie’s crazy cat lady bullshit, being brought to a strip club…you know, that last one’s not so bad…but, still, he puts up with Nattie. More than usual this week.
My punch goes to…Daniel Bryan: Why would he insult Nikki? He didn’t need to do that.
My hug goes to…Emma: The lone sane, uncorrupted woman on this show. Also, for looking frightened of Fox without losing her cool exterior.
Annoying cast member of the week…NIKKI TIMES A MILLION: Holy shit. Everything is about how Nikki is a victim. It’s bad enough I put up with her annoying, whiny valley girl tone and listen to her moan about her expensive clothing, this woman has to be the most shallow person on the face of the planet and I, for one, am glad Bryan got some shots at her. She needs to be taken down a peg or 50.