Oh, someone please make the stupidity stop. Please make The Bachelor stop. It’s never going to happen, is it? Okay. Well then here we go.
Last time, we left off with Ben dramatically pulling Muppet aside before the rose ceremony. All of the other girls wrongly assume this means he is sending her home, but Muppet Face manages to trick Ben yet again into thinking she is some sweet and pitiful little puppy dog.”I’ve had a target on my back since the beginning when I got the first rose. They say I’m aggressive when I pull you aside, so I pull back and they say I’m why aren’t you being social? I can’t win. ”
Boring Ben falls for this poor me routine, and Muppet stays. For now. She returns to the circle of doom ladies wiping fake tears from her super-oily face. Angry, whiny Emily, who comes across like a 12-year-old girl, yells at the camera: “WTF??? Her tears are fake as fuck!!!” Muppet is very happy that she has once again snowed everyone. “They were all thinking I was going home. Nope. I’m still here. So come at me, bro! Everybody else can suck it!” Bro??? Come at me? How old is this chick?
Jennifer goes home. “He doesn’t even know who I am”, she cries as she gets into the sad limo. He tells her in the cheesiest voice possible: “you’re going to make someone very happy one day.” Yuck. That is the LAST thing you want to hear by the idiot who just dumped you on national TV. Ben comes back inside and picks up his champagne to toast with the remaining bimbos that next up, they are all going to the Bahamas!!! Everyone screams with delight. Once they arrive in the Bahamas, which is, by the way, “the perfect place to fall in love”, the girls settle into their latest hotel and the first date card arrives. It is a one-on-one for Caila, and no-lines Leah is pissed. How do I know? Because she said: “I’m pissed!” to cameras. She randomly flips out crying in the bathroom over this, whining “It’s not fair! Why am I even here? No reason I’m here! I don’t wanna go on another group date or 2 on 1. Why put myself through that?” Jesus woman, take a xanax or twelve. You never even SPOKE for all the other episodes, now you’re suddenly front and center having a panic attack over this loaf-of-bread for personality guy. Chill out.
CAILA AND BLAND MAN:
They go deep-sea fishing and then jump in the water together. Then they have dinner, and quite possibly the most confusing conversation I have ever heard in my entire life. It went something like this:
Him: I want for you to be vulnerable. You are happy all the time. You are always smiling. I want someone I can come home to and we can cry together.
Her: Well I feel put on the spot to do that now. To be vulnerable with you.
Him: I don’t mean that you need to tell me all your deep dark secrets right now.
Her: You are doing everything to get me to open up. I will say this. I feel like I love you. (Where did THAT come from???) But I don’t know why I can’t share. My greatest fear is I can’t totally fall in love with someone. Your greatest fear is being unlovable. Mine is breaking your heart. It feels like I’m gonna hurt you.
Him: Hurt me how?
Her: I don’t know. I feel like I want you in my life. This is real. Youre real. I want you to be part of it.
Him: (to camera) It’s attractive that she is confusing.
SERIOUSLY. WHAT. THE . FUCK ……….
GROUP ORGY AND MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING:
So there’s another group date with Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, Lauren H., JoJo, and Leah. Its weird from the start for no reason. Everyone is tense and stand-off-ish. There is a boat ride to a private island that apparently is Ben’s. Not sure if he was kidding about that one, since I can never tell if he is trying to make a joke or not because his personality sucks. Anyway, he might have his own island. He leads the girls off the boat and then they swim with and feed PIGS. Yes, pigs. Why??? Nobody knows. Because it’s the stupidest thing ever and that is what this show is all about.
They hold up hot dogs and feed pigs in the water. The women all scream and the pigs squeal. What is the point of this? Suddenly everyone gets very awkward. Ben and Lauren B. are flirting in the ocean and the other girls are jealous and get quiet. They swim around Ben and act silent near him. He asks if people are okay and they give the cold shoulder. He asks cameras “How do you date this many women that you have feelings for and keep everybody happy? Does anybody know?” Ummm …. maybe …. DON’T date that many women at once on national television, because its stupid and makes no sense??? Just a thought.
Any who, Leah whines to him in the water that he has barely gotten to know her, and he asks her to please be patient and make the most of this day. A pig squeals in the background as they talk. Then Leah whines and sobs for no reason to the others. “I actually feel worse after talking with him. I’m such an idiot.” No argument here. Now it is nightfall. They all sit around and drink. They take turns with Ben. Becca admits to being standoff-ish today, and then they kiss. He says he doesn’t want to hurt her. Him and Amanda also kiss. He says he is trying to be fair to everyone and tell them how he feels. Leah uses her time to randomly and out of the blue, throw Lauren B. under the bus and tell Ben that she is “one way in the house and different around you.”
Lauren interrupts them, not knowing what was just said, and Ben tells Lauren that someone told HIM that she is being fake. Lauren has no clue what to do with this information, and Ben tells her “This stuff gets in my head, and then I don’t know what to do with it.” Lauren goes off on her own and cries, telling the others that she doesn’t get why anyone would say that about her. Leah lies to her face, like the evil Satan-creep she is. “It wasnt me. I didn’t say anything. I would never single someone out that way.” Lauren keeps sobbing, and Amanda gets the group rose.
Lauren makes a vow to do something a little more extreme. She knocks on Ben’s door and he seems happy to see her and spend some time with her. They sit down on the couch and again, she brings up Lauren B. and how she is two different people. She goes on and on and on. Ben says “When Leah talks tonight, there is a disconnect between us. ” He asks her if she feels like something is missing with them. Yeah. Brains? She just nods in a confused way. He tells her it is best if they say goodbye. He then wonders to himself if what she said about Lauren was true or not.
EMILY, MUPPET, BEN, AND A HURRICANE:
So the classic 2-on-1 date where one woman gets a rose and the other is sent home, is with Emily and Muppet. Muppet tells cameras: “Shes young. Shes like a bird.” Meanwhile Emily tells cameras: “I hope Ben sees that she is annoying and fake and not for him.” Muppet says that her and Ben have been writing their love story this whole time. Riiiight. The three go out on a speed boat in a hurricane. No joke, the weather was ridiculous. Endless wind and cold, rain and clouds. Ben says “this is gonna be rough.” They arrive in the sand and sit there yelling because you can’t hear a damn thing with all the wind whipping so hard. The girl’s hair is flying everywhere, and they all awkwardly drink wine in the sand. He steals Muppet first, and they go have a talk. She tells him again about her behavior in the house. “I’m not gonna be friends with people I wouldn’t be friends with. They like to do each others hair and stuff. And that’s fine. I like to read books. I’m very grounded. In tune with my body. Like, news and politics and religion. Deep intellectual things are just my JAM. From the moment I met you, I knew it was right. I’m in love with you.” She kisses him and he half-assed kisses her back with zero feeling.
Now its Emily’s turn. Her hair is whipping around so hard in the wind that its humorous. She is seconds away from sobbing over it, because she cries like an infant over EVERYTHING. Then she runs away and calls her twin who got kicked off, and makes her sit through her stupid drama. Anyway, Emily tells Ben “there’s so much life to experience, and I want you there to experience it. I WANT YOU THERE!!!!” Okay, chill. He tells her that her growth is exciting to see. Eewww. He goes back to the sand and thanks them both for being there, and then he asks to see Muppet. He brings the rose with him, which makes them both think that he is keeping Muppet and dumping Emily.
Oh, what a cruel, cruel world. Instead, he walks like a zillion miles away with Muppet, holding the rose the whole time and walking through the hurricane and blasting winds, and tells her: “Today you spoke from your heart. I don’t think I can reciprocate those feelings. It’s not a place I can get to. I can’t give you this rose.” OH, you mean the one you’re holding in your hand right now and teasing her with? Oh okay. Just checking. He tells her goodbye, and then walks away back toward Emily, AND JUST LEAVES HER STANDING THERE!!!! So now she has to witness them celebrating each other, and him giving Emily the rose, and then she stands there forever in the howling wind and just sobs. They even make her watch as the two of them ride away on the boat together. She sobs and sobs and sobs. Awww. Poor Muppet. Guess its back to the looney bin with you.
Ben says he feels all alone and wonders if this will work at all, and will he find love here. He tells Chris that he doesn’t want to do a party tonight, and wants to go right to the rose ceremony. The girls are TERRIFIED, because everything is TERRIFYING to them. He says this will be the hardest rose ceremony, and then he sends Lauren with an H. initial home. She gets in the sad limo, and this little piggy cried all the way home. (Reference to the pigs earlier. I’m tired. ) The End.
NEXT WEEK: Muppet joins the cast of “The Muppets” and claims that her and Kermit have a secret love language. Emily calls her twin sobbing when Ben has erection issues with her in the Fantasy Suite. Chris Harrison expresses his secret feelings toward Ben.