I laughed my ass off at this week’s installment of BoD RAW, written, of course, by the great Brian Bayless. He wrote my character a nice, juicy Heyman-esque spot where I tell everybody why Everything Sucks™.
That should, honestly, be the new name for the recap.
But, I digress…
Last week, I got a lot of flack for shitting on a product that, apparently, really touched the hearts of several readers. Re-reading what I wrote, I guess I was pretty cruel and the show was, really, some of the best TV WWE has ever put forward.
Boy, was I wrong about things.
So, I’m totally gonna not shit on the show tonight. I’m gonna be POSITIVE!
So, come at me, bro. Give me your WORST!
We start with a recap of PSEDUOHEELRANDYORTON and the match between Reigns and like six guys.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for WWE RAW!!!
Harlem Heat, MIGGAL and JBL are the guys at the desk.
Orton heads out to the ring to do business with the Authority who applauds him inside the ring.
TONIGHT: a 2-on-1 Handicap Match will see Orton and Rollins facing Roman Reigns.
Kane wanted to make a public announcement to show that everyone that Randy Orton is part of The Authority. Kane and Orton shake hands. Big Show has the mic and says that he sees the most talented, sadistic and aggressive athlete he’s even seen. Jamie Noble isn’t convinced and nearly pisses his pants, yelling that Orton can’t be trusted. Rollins is ALSO THANKFUL ORTON IS BACK. Joey Mercury also gives a thumbs up. Rollins says that, even still, there’s an elephant in the room: Orton isn’t part of The Authority no matter what they say. Heels are already telegraphing to ending. That’s not bad at all. That’s awesome. He says that him and Orton are both proud members of The Authority. The crowd chants “RKO”. He says that everyone is stressed out. And nobody needs to be. He welcomes Orton home and shakes his hand. Rollins introduces Randy Orton, who gets a pop, despite the fact that he’s been introduced as part of The Authority.
Orton says that he’s touched but it left him thinking something: what the hell happened to The Authority? They shouldn’t be kissing somebody’s ass. He says that Kane was the Devil’s Favorite Demon. He’s gone from kickin’ ass and takin’ names to kissin’ ass and makin’ coffee. Show laughs and Orton tells Show that all Show does is mope and feel sorry for himself. Orton gets to Noble and asks if his hostility stems from not being able to ride anything at Disneyland due to his height. He gets to Mercury — then skips him and goes straight to Rollins. He says that he WILL strike Rollins. And he will make it count. Rollins will feel every bit of it. Everyone’s looking nasty…but Orton bursts into laughter and says he was joking the entire time. Rollins laughs and settles things down. Big Show shakes hands with Orton — but Kane is scowling in the background.
Rollins says that they’re gonna derail Reigns because that’s what’s BEST FOR BUSINESS™.
Cole and JBL and Booker are amused! It’s funny when it’s fun!
TONIGHT: Wiz Khalifa is here tonight as Cole pumps him up by declaring him “PLATINUM RECORDING ARTIST WIZ KHALIFA”.
ALSO: Lesnar’s here.
The IC Title Ladder Match will have six people. The final spot is STILL somehow open, as if Creative is waiting for the last possible second to let the fans down by including Daniel Bryan.
Apparently, Daniel Bryan had his hands on the IC Title on Smackdown in a recap brought to you by Swiffer Wet Jet. The tiny commercial in the bottom right-hand corner is more exciting than this. That’s leading to our first match.
Also, R-Truth’s at ringside, so you know this match will end clean.
MATCH #1: Daniel Byran vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett (non-title)
Cole, Truth and JBL talk about potato farming, which is relevant to what’s going on in the ring. Bryan has the initial advantage, but goes for the dropkick in the corner. Barrett nails him with a clothesline and kicks him out of the ring and we’re going to break. When we come back, JBL is talking to Truth and adding “izzle” to every last word he says. Bryan manages to break a hold by Barrett and get a Crucifix pin for two. Running knee ends it at 7:06 as Barrett loses his 4th match in one month. But, that’s cool. None of that is awful.
WINNER: Daniel Bryan via Flying Knee.
RATING: A commercial break in the middle of a 7 minute match. Maybe 1/2 a *.
Post-match, Barrett hits the Bullhammer on Bryan and leaves. He leaves the ring and here comes Dean Ambrose. He hits a forearm on Barrett and heads to the ring. At least the IC Title didn’t change hands 8 times in 4 seconds.
R-Truth stays at ringside.
MATCH #2: Dean Ambrose vs. Stardust
Crowd chants for Cody (who came in with the IC Title) as Truth keeps talking about potatoes. Ambrose hits a sitting dropkick on Star against the ropes, then tosses Star outside and into the announce table. Ambrose retrieves him and the two go back into the ring. Ambrose hurts his knee and, guess what? Break time. When we come back, it’s a half crab by Star. Part of me is impressed that Truth isn’t mentioning how well potatoes go with crab. Ambrose breaks, then hits a Bulldog. Ambrose goes for a clothesline and it’s a series of counters that ends in the Rebound Clothesline. Dirty Deeds by Ambrose finishes this at 7:28.
WINNER: Dean Ambrose via Dirty Deeds
RATING: DUD. It’s the same match with interchangeable guys.
Post-match, Ambrose grabs the IC title. And here come all the guys vying for the title. With all them beating one another up, Truth steals the IC Title as JBL whines about it, ad nauseum. Everyone hits a finisher which ends up with Barrett standing tall. He looks for the title and goes to Truth for it. Truth gives him the potato sack with the belt in it. Barrett retreats into the crowd and celebrates while Truth runs up the aisle. Barrett pulls out the IC Title — but it’s the toy version. Truth has the real one. Shyamalan would be proud.
Michael Cole pushes the next WWE Hall of Fame inductee under the category of the Warrior Award: Connor Michalek.
STILL TO COME: Brock Lesnar addresses his “future”.
When we come back, Paul Heyman’s in the ring to put over both guys in the Championship match at WrestleMania. We get a sizzle reel where Reigns talks about honing tools and “believing in opinions”, which you don’t actually believe in since they exist already.
Heyman isn’t impressed and introduces Brock Lesnar. He says he gets that the fans loved the video but it was nothing but propaganda. He says the truth is that, when Roman Reigns was nine years old, his father used to take Roman and his cousins, and they would point out the football players in a bar. They’d have to beat them all up or else they weren’t allowed to come home. I’m pretty sure we won’t find the arrest records on Google, so let’s move on. He says that Reigns can’t beat Lesnar. The crowd agrees.
He says that nobody will screw Lesnar out of the title. Not Rollins, not the McMahons, not anyone. If they do, Lesnar will pretty much commit murder and kill anyone involved. He says that, after Lesnar wins, they’ll say that Reigns took a beating like nobody else has seen. His mic cuts out just like last week. When it comes back on, he tells whoever it is cutting out his mic to come get Lesnar and take the title.
Heyman gets weird and says that Lesnar may decide to go to Vegas to beat up Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao. He says that the title belongs to Lesnar — and he’s not giving it back. He says that Lesnar has done it all. He even beat up the Undertaker badly, ending The Streak to the point where Bray Wyatt has to resurrect him.
Meanwhile, Reigns never shows up and we go to break after the Handicap Match teaser.
Bray Time: WrestleMania is almost here. He has Undertaker’s urn and wants to know where he is. He asks ‘Taker to find him.
MATCH #3: Kane & Big Show vs. Erick Rowan & Ryback
The fans are so excited, they stand there, blinking. Ryback starts with Kane. Ryback runs him over and then hits shoulders in the corner. Press by Ryback followed by a Warrior Splash and Spinebuster. He goes for the Meathook but Kane kicks his head off his shoulders. Tag to Big Show who spears Ryback hard and then stomps at him. He slaps Ryback’s chest a couple times and tags in Kane. Big Boot to Ryback and some stomps. Ryback finally gets away and tags Rowan. He splashes Kane in the corner as the crowd goes…to the grab a beer. Kane counters a move and chokes Rowan on the ropes. With the ref’s back turned, Show accidentally decks Kane instead of Rowan. Rowan gets the pin at 3:26.
WINNERS: Ryback & Rowan
Ryback and Rowan look like deer in headlights, then leave. Show gets into the ring and apologizes. Kane says that they had the match in control. Steph interrupts. She says the represent The Authority and WWE and stuff. She says Randy Orton may have been right: Show and Kane are probably useless. She wants her monsters back. She orders them out of the ring. Steph tells them to pack up and leave the arena. The two men argue with her but Steph ain’t havin’ it and they walk backstage, hanging their heads.
Because EVERYTHING MUST BE RECAPPED, we get a recap of the Miz/Niagra ad.
Miz is backstage. He talks to Wiz Khalifa working on an album together. Wiz isn’t so impressed and tells Miz that he signed “Damien Wiz-dow”. So, that’s the end of the Miz-dow feud, right? Miz-dow declares that he’s in the Andre match. Remember when Miz-dow was the arrogant, sophisticated heel who hated crap like this?
Sheamus is returning. Really. They swear he is.
Time to watch Wiz Khalifa rap, my television says. Nu-uh, says my DVR remote.
LAST MONDAY ON RAW: Paige was gonna win the Divas Championship, but lost for some reason. Then AJ showed up again to resurrect a dead horse of an angle that died a few months ago.
Anyhow, they’re next.
We get a clip of the Bellas in the new WWE Flintstones flick, which cuts away. No, come on. Bring that back. That’s infinitely more interesting than what I’m watching.
The Bellas are gonna knock Paige and AJ “into the stone age” at WrestleMania. Yabba…dabba…do. Ha.
MATCH #4: AJ Lee (w/ Paige) vs. Summer Rae (w/ Eva Marie)
Eva’s boob must be feeling much better for her to be out here doing valet work. Summer barely walks through her move set as JBL is more concerned about “Yabba Dabba Doo” trending. AJ hits a quick DDT and gets two. Summer tries a slam and ends up hitting a roundhouse kick for two. AJ comes back and hits the Black Widow for the win at 3:07.
WINNER: AJ Lee via Black Widow
NEXT: We hear Sting TALK. Holy shit, my heart…
When we come back, Sting is wearing a voice modulator that makes him sound like Nailz doing phone sex and he talks about taking Triple H down — something he’s waited 14 years to do, which is why he spent all that time in TNA, wrestling a drunk Jeff Hardy and pretending to be the Joker.
NEXT: Somebody jobs to Rusev.
Cena bumps into Rusev backstage. He says Rusev should be a hero. He has the “right to free speech” but Cena has the “right to shut his mouth”. Huh?!
Apparently, Curtis Axel is gonna wrestle Rusev because he can imitate Hulk Hogan.
MATCH #5: Rusev vs. Curtis Axel
Beating. Superkick. Accolade. Done at 0:25.
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
Rusev gets a mic. He says Cena lives in the past. Lana tells him that they should leave. He says if America had a soul, he’d spit on it.
Out comes Cena and it’s a brawl. Cena knocks him down and hits the STF until Rusev is knocked unconscious. WWE Security and some refs arrive and Cena goes outside to get a water bottle. He pours water on Rusev to wake him, then locks in the STF as Rusev taps over and over. Lana pleads for Cena to let him go. Cena holds the move until Lana gives him the match he wants. Cena grins in the most evil manner I’ve ever seen, which just spoils any heat Cena was supposed to have obtained.
Bray Time: Bray be like “I want to fight, being dead don’t phase me…I’ve got your urn, so find me, maybe…”
Backstage, Rusev is getting checked out. Lana shows up. They loudly yell at each other in Russian.
MATCH #6: The New Day (Big E & Xavier Woods) (w/ Kofi Kingston) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Tyson Kidd & Cesaro (w/ Natalya) (non-title)
Oh, yeah…The New Day still exists. Xavier hits a Hurricarana on Tyson. Big E tags in and tosses Xavier into Tyson in the corner. He hits multiple backbreakers and it’s another tag to Woods. Two count. Tyson comes back with an elbow and the heels nail some nice double team moves, swarming Woods from all sides. Cesaro hits a huge uppercut and tags Tyson who stomps Woods and works on his knee. Tyson locks Woods’ leg. Tag to Cesaro, who comes in and stomps on Woods, then locks in a half crab. Woods kicks out of it and Cesaro tags Kidd. Nattie distracts…somebody, I guess. Tyson tells her to back off. Cesaro pulls Nattie off the mat. Woods wraps up Kidd and drops Kidd’s head on the mat for the win at 3:45.
WINNERS: The New Day
RATING: 1/2 a *. I don’t think we’re going higher than this all night, folks.
Post-match, Cesaro berates Nattie and the Usos and Naomi show up.
We go to break.
MATCH #7: Natalya (w/ Cesaro & Tyson Kidd) vs. Naomi (w/ Jimmy & Jey Uso)
What’s better than a shitty tag match? A Divas match that arbitrarily stacks on top of it like fucking Jenga! Nattie drops Naomi to the mat but Naomi counters and there’s a bunch of pretty cool roll up pins. Nattie finally puts Naomi to the mat and hits a dropkick to Naomi’s face. Nattie goes for the Sharpshooter but Naomi counters and sends Nattie into the buckle. Outside, it’s a brawl between the Usos and Cesaro. Back in the ring, Naomi hits the Rear View for the win at 1:45.
WINNER: Naomi via Rear View
Post-match, Nattie grabs Tyson’s tag belt and tells Kidd that it belongs to her. Then Los Matadores just fucking show up because why the hell not?
MATCH #8: The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) (w/ Naomi) vs. Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito)
Usos and Matadors shake hands. Jey starts with one of the Matadors and we’re going to break. When we come back, nothing at all has changed. I’m pretty sure the same two guys are in the ring as Cole tells us “the big news tonight” is that the New Day beat Cesaro and Kidd. JBL: “THAT is the ‘big news tonight’? Did you not see John Cena making Rusev tap and get his match at WrestleMania?!” Meanwhile, the Matadores fly all over the ring. Jey and a Matador fly into one another. Tag to Jimmy who hits a Crossbody for two. He goes for another move but gets DDT’ed. Two count. The Matador goes off the second buckle but gets Superkicked. Two count. Flying Uso by Jey to the outside. Jimmy hits Diego with a Samoan Drop. El Torito gets involved and distracts Jimmy and a Yet Another Distraction Roll Up Pin wins it for the Matadores at 8:04.
WINNERS: Los Matadores
RATING: **. The match of the night. Yes. It is.
Cole recaps the beginning stuff with Orton.
Rollins is backstage with his case. Noble and Mercury warn Rollins about Orton. Rollins tells them that he trusts Orton and that he wouldn’t just tell everyone his plan.
NEXT: Bray Wyatt is here.
When we come back, Bray’s in the ring, doing one of his goofy apocalyptic rants. The buzzards guide him. Below them is a shell of a man. It’s the mighty Undertaker. He won’t worship ‘Taker or do anything with ‘Taker except walk over his bones. He’s the new face of fear. He says that WrestleMania 31 will be the Undertaker’s final resting place as well as his requiem. He calls out The Undertaker. He asks if the urn brings back the dead. He opens the urn, pretends to be scared, then laughs his ass off. He says the urn is empty…then the urn smokes and we hear thunder and see lightning. Bray yells to “bring it”. The bell tolls and the arena goes dark. When the lights come back, we see Bray’s rocking chair in the ring. On the Jumbotron, the words “THE MAN COMES AROUND” (in reference to the Johnny Cash song cover) appear. Lightning strikes it and the chair burns. Bray thinks this is hilarious, which kills this feud dead in a matter of seconds. Crowd is dead when they realize ‘Taker isn’t really here.
MOMENTS AGO: Bray called out The Undertaker and The Undertaker’s voice from WWE ’12 answered him.
ALSO NOT REALLY MOMENTS AGO: Cena beat up Rusev and got his match.
ALSO ALSO NOT REALLY A FEW MOMENTS AGO: BROCKLESNARBROCKLESNARBROCKLESNARBROCKLESNARBROCKLESNARBROCKLESNAR…and he will beat Roman Reigns.
Surprisingly, they don’t show the “big news of the night”, which was The New Day, knocking off Cesaro and Kidd.
MATCH #9: Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton & Seth Rollins (w/ Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury) in a 2-on-1 Handicap Match
Rollins convinces Orton that he should go first. Orton agrees and Reigns knocks the taste out of his mouth. Rollins sends him outside. Rollins goes after him but the ref holds him back because that’s what refs do. J&J go after Reigns but the refs back him off. Rollins finally goes outside but Reigns uppercuts him and we go back in the ring. Rollins takes him down for two. J&J start barking at Orton to help Rollins. Orton knocks Noble down. Rollins orders the two of them backstage. Reigns takes over and hits a clothesline. He tosses Rollins into the corner but misses the clothesline. Reigns regains control and Rollins goes to tag Orton — who moves his hand. He tries again but Orton puts two middle fingers up. Reigns hits a Spear and wins at 4:08.
WINNER: Roman Reigns at 4:08
RATING: 1/4 of a *, if that.
Post-match, Orton just glares at Rollins, then enters the ring at the pace of drying paint. He lifts Rollins up and slaps at him, then sends Rollins outside. Orton lifts him up and hits a running clothesline. He sends Rollins into the crowd barricade, then into the steel stairs. He asks Rollins if he’s stupid enough to believe that Orton would join The Authority again and hits an uppercut. Orton grabs a chair and sloooooowly stalks Rollins. He cracks Rollins across the back with the chair, then slowly continues to stalk him again, hitting chair shots every few seconds. He tells fans to “take a picture” and they whip out their cameras. They get back to the barricades where Orton hits the Vintage Orton DDT.
Orton picks Rollins up and just tosses him across the announce table like a fucking javelin. Orton strips the table and sets up for an RKO into the table and hits it beautifully. He yells into Rollins’ ear that he’s not letting it go.
Finally, we go off the air.
OVERALL: *. Boring as fuck with a pretty kick ass ending. Too little, too late.
And, of course, before we go…the best of internet water cooler…