Say My Name! In the season finale, Guillermo has left the vampires to their own devices, who are clearly struggling. They finally get their distraction: an invite to the most prestigious vampire theater show.
Underdog. When I say that, what does it remind you of? The reductive nature of others shitting on one so hard that they rise from the filth and foul that had kept them blanketed in a world of negativity? The negating a basketball player that comes through in the clutch, scoring a three-pointer with mere seconds to go? The journalist that comes running down the office when their paper needs a hot ticket at the last moment? Mine That Bird. James Polk. Robert Downey Jr. It is within this Parthenon that I can add one more name to this list: the finale of season 2 of What We Do In The Shadows (FX) titled “Noveau Théâtre des Vampires.”
We open up in on Nandor‘s (Kayvan Novak) coffin. It is stuck, and his Familiar is not anywhere to be found. Nandor, acting like the several-hundred-years petulant child opens it himself, scouring for him while also telling the camera that the guy is not reliable. Fuck that. Guillermo’s (Harvey Guillen) left. Oh, he’s left a send off.. “sorry.” I don’t even think it was with a capital S… but he’ll lead with an emotional capital F and then U. That will come in handy later.
A week later, Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) takes a tour of what a shit show the house has become. Completely in denial, amid the dust… I mean among the pooled blood and desiccated corpses, she thinks it’s just a bit of rubbish. Though the candles are making, oh, I’m sorry, making? No, melting a home on the wall. I swear, if the house looks like if Bram Stoker wrote it, he must have been on a bender. The housemates are uneasy with each other as well, but keeping to themselves. Nadja is in some sort of makeshift outfit with a polka dot kerchief, Nandor is rocking his bloody awesome ’92 Dream Team Jersey with an askew tie. These people really need Anna Wintour.
Nadja opens up on a half-drunk Laszlo (Matt Berry) donned in green track trousers, deep brown sharp toes, Nadja’s same polka dot kerchief, and a surprised pursed ‘cross his lips. She’s caught her beloved in flagrante delicto with a dude named Josephine, well, sipping blood from a human and the predator lets the prey go live another day.
With bodies everywhere, Colin (Mark Proksch) slips in a blood puddle, ruining his already milquetoast taste. The household is cold, and they are burning papers and sundries to keep up their warmth. They realize it’s laundry day, and Guillermo isn’t back from the cleaners. The thing is that Nandor doesn’t even acknowledge that Guillermo was the glue. Although he secretly does. He wants Colin to take a picture of him having fun and send it to Guillermo. If only they all could remember his last name. Ah well. They don’t care enough to recall it… no matter. The door rings, and it turns out they have an invitation to the Nouveau Theatre des Vampires. I mean come on guys, read the room. Oh, that’s right, you can’t because there are too many fucking dead bodies around to pay press attention!
It turns out they only travel to the US once every five years, and only the cream of the crop rises to the top to join them. But a high profile event calls for a high profile look, and they can’t get their fancy finery back until Colin Robinson rises to the challenge… with one demand (erm, bargaining chip).. he wants a better room. Nandor offers his room, but nope. A simply better room in the basement. It seems amendable to them. Little do they know, he was just going the dry cleaners anyway. The night is afoot!
Back in the BX, Guillermo’s moved back in back in with his mom, Silvia (Myrna Cabellos). She knows he’s filming a ‘movie’, but that doesn’t stop her from… being a mother? He just had to get out of that mess and get his head sorted. With the possibility of being a descendent of Abraham Van Helsing and also WANTING to be a vampire, he decamps to what he knows. What kind of witch madness is that? (I suppose we’re to explore that next season.)
Guillermo goes to retrieve a mini-fridge at the house for his mother’s apartment. Awww, he misses them! How cute.
At the theatre, the crews get media passes, and are all are seated in the grand playhouse, and, as the pit warms up, their shields are down. All the big players are there, Ohhh, but they are in for a treat.
Back at the ole homestead, Guillermo falls on the bloody mess they’ve never had the energy to clean up themselves. What the fuck, guys?! Nadja’s doll informs him they went out for a night at the Theatre. He studies the elaborately constructed invite but finds a little surprise… It’s hosted by the Vampiric Council. Realizing they attended their own funeral, Guillermo does what Guillermo does and rushes to their rescue.
As the group scopes out celebs of the Vampiric world, including the prick that is Mikhail the Awful and Maricela, Mistress of the Night, and Todd Smith and Pamela (other energy vampires) the fun is about to start. Please keep your seats upright and your tray tables fastened.
Guillermo, locked out isn’t about to stop there. He’s able to climb a pipe with Spidey-like reflexes. Guess that Van Helsing blood coursing through his veins is worth something.
In the theatre, a vampire with a red cape and Venetian doctor’s mask emerges in a plume of smoke. Kings, queens, princes, and potentates are now privileged to see not a magic show… but rather execution, with Colin, Nadja, Laszlo, and Nador being the main event. Compliments of Vladimir (Jermaine Clement).
Why may you ask? Well, of course, high treason, killing the Baron Afonas, the nameless vampire skewered on a stake in the episode. This is portrayed through what one could only imagine is horrible acting onstage and few real effects. Don’t worry. Those are soon to come.
While Laszlo isn’t impressed with the lack of total nudity he was promised and the part of the assassin, who comes in with the clan bringing the ruckus on vampire assassins (Colin Robinson’s knowledge of Wu-Tang references ain’t nothing to fuck with.)
However, their final iniquity is the showing of the slaughtering an entire family of vampires, punctuated with a Buffalo Stance. Ahem. Guillermo? Are you seeing any of this?
As a matter of fact, he is.
The four are aghast as the heads of four humans are chopped off. But that was just the end of the second act. Decapitation is simply an encore.
As the guillotine is set up and the crew is primed, an Oscar-worthy In Memoriam is displayed to hide what lies behind the curtain. These four won’t be featured next year on that screen. Bummer. Especially since one of those was a vampire that lost to daylight savings.
In the last moments of their imminent demise, Nandor throws out a confession, tying his Familiar to the murder of the Baron. The crowd is unFamiliar with his surname, so he’s not likely to be PEGGED as the culprit.
Just as Nandor throws Guillermo under the bus, he also saves his ass by admitting that he “killed” him. I mean, come on, Guillermo, this is your ticket out! Get the fuck outta dodge and never look back, like Jackie Daytona!
Vladimir has a laugh at a Familiar killing a vampire, as an on-stage reenactment is portrayed by a child effetely swinging on a way taller Master, with no results. Blood. It’s all essential to vampires, but right now, it’s more essential to Guillermo because his fucking shit is boiling.
What ensues is a ballet of Guillermo going full John Wick on the audience of vampires, stabbing dudes, knifing others, choking someone with Holy Water, and warding off others.
When the smoke has cleared, Guillermo has one little secret to divulge.. his name is Guillermo de la Cruz… and he ain’t nuttin to fuck wit.