Toil and Trouble! In this episode, in the care of witches, we find out what’s Nadja’s beef and what Guillermo is capable of, being left to his whims.
Apotropaic. That’s a funny word. Its power may ward off evil… or it may do nothing. It’s all in what you believe… or have left behind. Triumvirate. That’s a pretty word, too. It may bring up the pealing of death knells. We’re fortunate to live past our skin suits because the Witches grant us that ability. It is in this ninth episode of What We Do In The Shadows (FX) titled “Witches,” there may be a brew haha afoot, but nobody is laughing.
We open in on the weekly house meeting. Laszlo (Matt Berry) is in absentia and Guillermo (Harvey Guillen) won’t fetch him. He has conditions, uber Alles. Even with his day off though, Guillermo takes into consideration his stance in life. He can do so much better, and he’s smarter than his housemates give him credit for. I mean, he could patent a fucking blood remover! He has been watching a lot of Shark Tank lately.
Could we just open the floor up and laugh for a moment that Laszlo hates rotten apples and laughs at them when he chops them off?
A disembodied vox calls to him. “Laszlo Cravensworth.” I guess it’s is government name, but he’s shaken nevertheless. This is the GOAT. This is his penance, and his presence is requested at a meeting. Turns out Witches make really good portals.
Whilst Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) is convinced her beloved has gone to the Coven, which, in history, she’s always been loathed to accept and blames all misfortunes on them, Guillermo isn’t the one to look for him. In fact, it’s currently above his paygrade.
The GOAT calls to Nandor (Kayvan Novak) as well and, the besotted lovable vamp he is, gets swooped up into the ceremony that awaits him. It’s now up to Guillermo to ferry Nadja and Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) to the party, and, when Nadja takes the wheel, it’s not pretty.
Once the Familiar enters Satchel Serafina, all is well. Guillermo has infiltrated the ceremony being mortal… and boring in his roommates’ eyes… But in here, he’s in heaven. Weed is on the table and inhibition is off, compliments of the owner (Clara Wong). Massage is on point and the mind is out. Nadja and Colin look at with a medium concern, but, before they could make sense of it all, they are whisked away by the GOAT.
As Guillermo is guided into the room where Nadja and Colin are being held, we are taken to the chamber where Laszlo and Nandor are held captive in their respective coffin. A fire is burning inside. It turns out the head Witch, Lilith (Lucy Punch) welcomes the group in for documentation. Whereas Guillermo is holding area with Nadja and Colin in a room of a hundred doors, he guides them through the muck and mire of what can be seen as Dali crossed with MC Escher.
At the ceremony, Nandor fires a shot across the bow and warns the Coven of imminent death if they aren’t released. A guffaw is heard before they realize that hip hop isn’t on the menu (only Tuesdays and Thursdays.) Regardless, both Laszlo and Nador seem seduced by the coven, as their dancing makes them… compromised.
Back in the room of failure, Colin happens to open a room, a live painting of Whistler. This turns out to be horrible and has the trio starting out at square one.
Nadja abhors this, but Colin (go figure) knows a thing or two about Escape Rooms. He fails, opening a portal to Hell. Nadja has had enough and calls out to her betrothed, but he is happily en flagrante delicto with the Witches to extract his and Nandor’s semen… until they realize there is more to this game.
Ostensibly, there’s like a Mafioso toolbox, basically reserved for the likes of Queens, Kings, and murderous vampires. This prompts Laszlo to hit the fucking speed dial and call up his beloved. Yes, they are both fully engorged.
The Coven returns to their true state and though both Nandor and Laszlo wouldn’t say no to really anything, Nadja hates her place at that point and calls out to her beloved. He, in a moment of true extraction of semen, is interrupted by his better half.
This is all due to Guillermo, because while Colin ruminates on the term of ‘epicurious,’ Guillermo actually gets shit done. While Colin takes the credit for the extraction, Guillermo was the one that found their magical door out.
This isn’t an easy exit, however, as Nadja and Lilith have it out in the church. As it turns out, Lilith used to run a rococo boutique that was a mere front for selling of semen. Naturally, both of them hit it off, until one did so horrid, so unforgivable, they had to break it off and warrant five spits… Lilith slept with Laszlo.
Ya done fucked up, son!
Or did he? It turns out Lilith was at that point a proxy of Nadja, just slightly different. More of a pin-up model than what he’s now known. He was always in love with her, regardless of the state. Nadja, quite literally beside herself cannot argue with that sentiment and with the combined semination of the vampires, the Coven can stay young forever… oh and they can make magnets from it as well!
Guillermo is for the win though, as his fast thinking leads him to pimp out all of the vampires for their semen. I mean, we all masturbate, right? Like a Lincoln Lawyer, he sells them out, netting 3% of the profit and labeling it “Memo’s Man Milk.” He’s had his Shark Tank moment. Let’s put a pin on that.
The gang heads home, but they are treated to a shit show, compliments of that awesome GOAT.
The night winds down, and Nandor and Laszlo are horned up, ruminating on the exciting night they just experienced. They agree to “finish” each other off and not to speak of it again. (They’ll do it again.) Wash, rinse, repeat.
We close this out with Guillermo going back into his old haunt, Satchel Serefina for a cup of joe. Now, he’s just a regular Familiar to them, as exemplified by his new friend the GOAT. Oh, sorry, his name is Black Peter. (Search it up.)