I have a confession to make. I’ve always wanted to attend an orgy. Now that air is cleared, I’ve wondered more about the preparation of an event that will inevitably be defiled ten times of sin six ways ’til Sunday. Who buys the booze? Who buys the snacks? Is there MDMA? If so, who is the supplier? If there is that, what’s the status on the water bottle supply? Are there mood bringers and objects with which to get off to? Will there be a cocktail hour? Will there be an after orgy chocolate for each and everyone (which by the way, is the best). I am not a vampire though and if you mess up on anything, a Vampire will not you live it down, especially with an orgy. Welcome to the Biannual Vampire Orgy, hosted by a troupe of the most incompetent vampires this side of the Mason Dixon Line.
It’s the night before and preparations are in order. The atmosphere abounds in excitement. Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) is the project manager of this biannual night of debauched carnality, armed with a clipboard and a militant fear of failure. This isn’t mere group congress- this is THEE social event of the year. This is something you literally buy a damn calendar for crossing off the days until it happens… though Vampire sex is different contingent on whom you ask. According to Nandor (Kayvan Novak), it’s akin to pizza- even if it’s bad, it’s good. Laszlo (Matt Berry), ever the epicurean reaches far more into the hedonic side and claims it can be a sea of bodies and can last years. Nadja honestly is ambivalent about the whole thing in terms of pleasure. She just wants to throw a bloody fangtastic sex romp, for the stigma for holding a poor orgy can have lasting ramifications. This perfectionism has her riding Guillermo (Harvey Guillen) hard (as a taskmaster, perverts- it’s still the night before!)
In a heartwarming moment, Nandor swiftly comes to the rescue of Guillermo, as he claims only he can boss about the Familiar. Upon his eyes lit up, we now know that poor Guillermo is thirstier than all of the inhabitants of that house and probably will never get what he so truly desires.
On the list of things to still acquire for the par-tay, a succulent Virgin is paramount. I mean, you wouldn’t have a birthday without a piñata, right? Alas, Guillermo’s gourmet list is nearly bled dry, especially with the Christian High School group. Having gone to Catholic High School, I found the joke so on point.
Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) prepared his own quarters for things to cum. He’s applied creature comforts, like a photo stolen from a Holiday Inn room. He also went HAM with a strobe light and speakers that will pipe nothing but Acid Jazz, which actually is one of the deepest cut music jokes I’ve heard or seen in a show or movie ever.
Back in the main holding area, where the carnage (that seriously is the best word) will take place, Guillermo is tasked on narrating the action, like a damned sports announcer. Why? Because mirrored ceilings wouldn’t translate. They are vampires, after all. As they go through a theatrical ‘dry run’, the dude seems overwhelmed. This is only galvanized by the power couple of Nadja and Laszlo haranguing him for doing a piss poor job with getting things together. Frustrated and on the verge of being killed by what may come out of his mouth, Guillermo takes a five. It’s true, both Las and Nad had been kind of dicks. This Orgy has to go on, so Nandor goes to ‘console’. I say console because Nandor, whom I think of still as a Labrador in his current state, pretends to listen to the kid grousing while ducking any actual conversation.
Meanwhile, Laszlo rummaging in the attic for items that will make him happy during this Feast of Fuck comes across a blast from his past- the oeuvre of pornography he’s starred in. This is actually an interesting take on the vampire mythos. Hear me out. You kind of figure if you can live forever, or pretty close to it lord (hisssss) willing, you would think you can basically do anything. With that in mind, how wouldn’t you want a film career that spans a century?
Laszlo’s second life started at the turn of the Twentieth Century, when cinema was at its infancy. As he said, there was moving pictures… a week later, there was porn. That pretty much tracks. Being cast from a silent adult film, making a turn in the Roaring Twenties with ‘The Vampire Jollies’ (1927) and ending in the Nineties with ‘Seinf**k’ (1993), Lazzie-boy figured that this would be female viagra, so he decides to show these, through multiple media mediums, to his wife. Is that the best idea?
Meanwhile, as Nandor and Guillermo shop for decorations for the gala at, they find one of Guillermo’s oldest running friends, Jeremy. This guy might as well have ‘TAKE ME’ tattooed on his forehead as far as Vampires are concerned. A clearly salivating Nandor invites Jeremey to the party, but Guillermo tries with all his gusto (which isn’t much) to cockblock. This is apparent when Jeremy has one of his patented nosebleeds. This drives Nandor insane to the point of nearly orgasming. After tasting the remnants of Jeremey’s accident, Nandor is Relentless. He needs to have him for the party. What means more to Guillermo, poor, poor, Guillermo? The fealty of his friendship or wanting to be converted for the countless things he’s done for his Master?
At the house, as Laszlo basks in watching the cinematic celebrity of his exploits in pornography, Nadja checks out. She finds it criminally boring. She confronts him about this. To be fair, anybody that obsessed with their work should be given a reality check. Laszlo, clearly butthurt (though I’m sure he wouldn’t mind that in his 1978 flick ‘A Walk On The Wilder Side’), retires to his coffin with a hurt non-beating heart.
Guillermo, aflush with trepidation and guilt phones Jeremey and invites him to the shindig.
It is now the night of the Orgy. Last minute preparations are underway complete with a statue of the moment of conception of Nadja. There’s also a ‘fluffer’s chill out room’, a selection of cock-rings lain out on animal fur and an electric chair for roleplay so you know this Orgy is going to be LIT!
Trying to coax her husband out of his coffin, Nadja tries to make a case that if he doesn’t show up, it could be the debacle from which they cannot recover. This throws an entire wrench in her plans, as she wants a perfect party. I’ve been there. I’ve been stressed about throwing parties and horrible with it. That’s why I don’t undertake that anymore. Apparently in this world, if you’re just a regular animal bat, it’s because you’ve thrown a poor orgy and are too ashamed to reemerge as a vampire. I actually like that hot take on it.
With guests arriving, like a Chinese Jumping Vampire (awesome), a Badabook (just watch it) and fucking Mister Fifties from Episode Four (complete with burn scars from the club explosion… gotta love smart writers), Jeremy also arrives. He’s brought snacks, even though he IS the main course. The moment the Virgin is announced, all are enticed even more. This could be a good night.
While Guillermo is not feeling so hot with the fate he may have resigned his friend to- Nandor nearly nude, looking like what I can only describe as a warlord with a ribbed horse cudgel pinioned by thigh stilts and battle armor announces his arrival. This is total Nandor.
Colin Robinson, with a BDSM getup that I can only describe as something Lady Gaga would fear donning actually holds court over a few vampires… but then arrives the wet blanket.
Descending to the main floor, Laszlo goes on a stirring proclamation of how in his porn, something was missing. It was an undying love for his undying wife. Ugh. Nothing kills the vibe or boners more than those four letters.
As the unfortunate many begin towards the exit, Nadja has one more trick up her sleeve. BEHOLD… the Virgin? Nope. Jeremy is in flagrante delicto with Constantine, the gimp of Nadja and Laszlo. Their milk has officially gone sour. Guillermo and the party both witness it and nothing will ever be the same for anyone.
As the night winds down, Guillermo falls down, spilling a fountain of blood that could have been put to good use. Constantine, Jeremy and Colin throw down on a game of Apples to Apples… and in bat form, Laszlo and Nadja get down- so not all is a lost cause.
Ultimately, the lesson here is that holding a gathering is tough- an orgy is nigh impossible. I would hold this as a masterclass in how NOT to hold one… but if Vampires out there want a Plus One, I ain’t denying.