When one falls in love, as one does, some things change and take shape. One could get all gooey brained and dewy-eyed. One could get all types of arrested in the throes of such feelings. One can also be besotted by the origin of the briny deep. That one thing can also be taken in and be neglected. It is within this lucky number seven episode of What We Do In the Shadows titled “The Siren”, we’ll dissect why sometimes matters of the heart can mire you down, punch you up, and ultimately end up in a silly sludge of dopamine.
We open in on, Mariner’s Harbor. Both Colin (Mark Proksch) and Laszlo (Matt Berry) are living it up on one of those nocturnal boat trips, scoping out what’s on the menu. As Laszlo goes into feed mode for all of the Millenials, Colin is sure to follow.
At the residence, as Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) chops it up with Scott Bakula (whom Nandor wishes were Count Dracula), the day-to-day conduction of business is getting a bit testy. They’ve attempted at arriving at a solution to run the Vampiric Council on alternating days, but unlike them, that shit won’t fly. Even the Guide (Kristen Schaal) can suss out how terrible any solution is, as both co-leaders consistently cancel each other out.
So far, this had been the most shit show since Paduk the Deranged, (a sitter for Stańczyk), and we know what this is. It’s an Israel/Palestine zero-sum game. Nandor (Kayvan Novak) believes it’s a win/win, but when’s the last time he claimed a legitimate victory?
As Nadja is skinning verbal fuck out of her co-leader, poor, poor Baby Doll is being left in the dust. Neglected. Since both vampires are at odds, the Doll is given no mind, though the porcelain flank is going to bat for her quite handily. With Nandor throwing his weight around, his supposed co-leader is taking the lion’s share of the unmitigated rage. This isn’t a good look for either of them.
Guillermo (Harvey Guillen) is the doll’s only confidant. He knows what being overlooked feels like, but he’s not a fan of being interviewed with the “B team” (i.e. the Doll). He only leaves her to be left alone. That’s pretty cold, even for a sentient being that has no blood. She still has feelings!
On the boat, Colin chooses to chart a course for Plum Island. It’s where he might find his origins. Years ago, Laszlo went for the same spot, as a young lad, swobbing the poop decks from bow to stern. Though he’s caught his fair catch of exciting shit on the high seas, nothing can prepare him for what is to come next for the both of them.
Back at the house, our Doll reminisces on memories with Nandor, Colin, and the rest of the crew. Good times were had all around, but she does realize that they look at her as more of a fixture than a member. This prompts a walkabout. Never discredit your better angels, or in this case, your better proxies.
As she makes known her goodbyes, the Guide, Nandor, and Nadja pay her zero minds. What’s that song? “Cups”? “You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.”
Back on the boat, Laszlo is chumming it up with the cameras, talking about how much of a pimp he was fairing the sea while the boy is living it up with exotic salves. But LO! Upon the radio rings a familiar and entrancing tune. This can go but only one avenue…
Back IN the house, Nadja might have lost all her facilities, freaking out. Her Baby Dolly is on the lam and Nandor isn’t the person to help her find it… or is he?
Nadja wants her better half back but doesn’t give a fuck if she commits crimes unspeakable. She also wants her back. Employing the help of Guillermo, it’s now a new hunt. The Guide minds them not taking a sojourn, making comfortable stock in Guillermo’s bedroom.
Now hitting landfall, Colin and Laszlo come face to face with the Siren Sheila (Catherine Cohen): a homunculus of a chicken and a woman. A Siren nevertheless. A capture of Roman and Greek mythology is a catch, and something Hemingway would like. This creature can capture your wildest dreams and make you sing them in your sleep. Laszlo isn’t really feeling her, but Colin cannot help but be entranced, but so can’t Lazslo. The onomastic fever has him within the pocket.
As Nadja rips apart store from the store, searching for her felt-felt half, Guillermo and Nandor is at a loss. That is until Nandor is assailed by her half, tossing it to the ground. Nadja finally takes some love and coddles with her long-lost love: herself.
Because the Doll is not just ready for resolve, it will jump bodies, embodying two mannequins now. It matters none, as she doesn’t know how to control another vessel, so it leaves Nadja sorry, Nandor worried and Guillermo pissed.
Checking in with Lazslo and Colin, they are entwined. The siren is having a field day, and though Colin gives Laszlo an early start, the grand chap isn’t going to leave his boy behind. It matters none either, as they’re both being enchanted by her wails of Shots, Shots, Shots!
Laszlo goes bat though to leave Colin for his true love. You never leave ya boy, in a wreck! But hold on…
As the trio of Nandor, Nadja and Guillermo are hot on the trail of the Doll, we learn that she didn’t give her a name. They find her in the form now of an angel statue. It takes but a few moments for her to transfer her essence, but Nadja is getting tired of her Doll’s impetuous nature. It’s shambolic and in the most clever of ways.
With the Doll’s nature now embodied in a blow-up rat, though Laszlo may be providing some succor, the old boy is needing Guillermo’s assistance. I mean, he is their bodyguard! What Lazzie wants is some device to make him impervious to all sounds external.
Where should they go but to best buy! Though they are going for noise-canceling headphones, Laszlo is entranced by what you call drone planes. But regardless, he can chop it up with the best of the salespeople, figuring out the difference between 5.1 and 7.1 surround.
After basically stealing a shit ton of stuff through hypnosis (though having to still give his email for Geek Squad), Laszlo still has one job to fulfill. Look over his bro, Colin.
With Colin squawking out karaoke with his better half, love is in the air. It’s very special to see him so besotted by another, especially when they shit on his shoes.
The fact that Laszlo tries to swoop in and save his boy is sweet, but ya boy’s in love. They say madness is an infection in the brain, but if love is madness, I hope he stays crazy.
With Nadja, Nandor, and Guillermo trying to corner a freaked out and messed up Doll in the form of a blow-up rat (I think it’s a Banksy reference), Nandor takes the reigns and role of protector and stabs the rat. Though Nadja freaks out, in its dying breath, both make peace with each other, Nadja coming to a breakthrough. She also convinces her Doll to get back to its original vessel and all is right with the world, with them both taking the fucking day off tomorrow.
Checking in with Colin and Laz, as he really tries to protect his boy. Colin asserts he’s in love, but Lazslo does one better- he puts noise-canceling headphones on fam, preempting the crew to do the same, carrying him away before the Siren can sing one last ditty. The fact that it’s completely silent is chef’s kiss. Brilliant.
In the house, Nadja is reconnecting with her other half. She considers herself the leader of the Council and the Doll is all for it. She might be in simpatico and I for one could not be happier and more terrified.
Laszlo apologizes to Colin for cock blocking him and in fact, maybe he didn’t experience true love, but that isn’t precluding him from tuning into her Siren song on the radio… and doing untoward things with himself.