Have you ever, whether in a drunken stupor or just in a flight of fancy, said to yourself:
Yeah, that could be my spot or I could spot somebody else?
Could you also hold yourself to concubinage in the same building that once was the portal to do other unspeakable things… like paperwork?
If you haven’t, you’ve not thought like a vampire.
It’s okay. Unless you are turning, this need not apply.
However, if this rings true, owning a nightclub might be in your cards!
Welcome to the stage, a flashing second episode of What We Do In The Shadows (FX), titled “The Lamp.”
As demolition is underway at the Vampiric Council Headquarters, the lines of communication between Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) and The Guide (Kristen Schaal) have broken down as well.
The poor woman is having her life’s work dismantled before her very eyes, but before it gets too intense, she puts the kibosh on it by having her Wraiths undo everything Nadja’s crew had, well, undone.
This WILL be a battle of wills.
Nandor’s (Kayvan Novak) got his own woes with the search for a wife that is coming up a bit dry.
Night-time dog park skulks ain’t bearing fruit, but his next plan is sure to be golden, literally.
Having smuggled hundreds of pounds in ancestral treasure from his homeland as part of the dowry, he’s pretty certain the cuties will go will be “down for the count.”
Unfortunately, he’s not finding anyone to share this bounty with… except those who know, like Guillermo, but he’s in the ‘No’ category.
Nadja’s getting fed up with her paid crew as they peel eyes to Go Flip Yourself with Laszlo.
I, for one, now am interested in shiplap and how it can help your aesthetic… as well as your wallet.
Nadja’s also dealing with The Guide (Kristen Schaal) wraiths harming what little crew is actually earning their pay, so it’s time to bring out the big guns…
Hearsay: for when the truth just won’t do!
By getting into The Guide’s mind with what the Supreme Vampiric Council was gabbing about adjusting the Staten Island headquarters into another CVS just to bring it into the current century, progress was made on Nadja’s part.
No, it wasn’t Dark Lord Tyrantus the Liquidator of Underlings that decreed it, but what The Guide doesn’t deny won’t hurt her.
This prompts her to call the Wraiths to a meeting… but…
Taking inventory of Nandor’s riches, Guillermo (Harvey Guillen) comes across a djinn lamp and though Nandor claims the myths to be horse puck, he’s only fucking rubbed it one way since time immemorial.
It took his BEST MAN to suggest he rub it counterclockwise, thus setting the djinn free from prison, played by none other than American Idol’s Anoop Desai.
At the called meeting, The Guide instructs her Wraiths to aid in the construction and not impede the efforts of Nadja.
The problem is undead crew follows her heart, not her instruction.
Though The Guide and Nadja are both ready to slit each other’s throats, Lazslo feels he can remedy the situation with deep psychology, as he’s been there from its inception. This should go well!
With djinn in the here and now, Nandor had 52 wishes until he was tricked into wishing how many wishes he had, marking it down to 51.
Concerning his 37 wives (both male and female), he remembered loving solely… 1.
The problem in that equation is that he cannot remember which one of the harem he actually loved.
His second wish is to bring back all 37 of the deceased.
What ensues is a room full of loud, pissed-off, inquisitive wives speaking Farsi. 50. He also wishes for all of them to speak English. 49.
He’s going to need Guillermo to install 37 bunk beds in the attic for concubinage that works in his favor because his friend ain’t a genie!
So much for putting one over the other!
With all that the poor guy’s done for all the house, they should all count their fucking blessings and look at him as number 1.
As Laszlo notates, The Guide explains her situation.
She’s apparently so entwined with the building itself, that any little chip is felt internally.
She feels that any change in the building will bring on something ominous and though Laszlo’s tried to break through to any possible sexual nature of it all, it isn’t anything like that.
In fact, this may be comorbidity, as she’s also admitted without coping with OCD.
As Guillermo hauls an Uber Eats order to fit for a king… or his 37 wives, Nandor has some promising news: the number is down to 32!
Don’t worry, everything is above board!
Nandor promises the rejects gold coins with a ticket to paradise whilst the djinn converts them to something that could be sucked up with a Dirt Devil.
There’s dignity in that, isn’t there?
In their therapy session, Laszlo tries to get to the meat of the problem as The Guide defines herself solely as her job (something I’ve done as well).
He wants to know who she was before her job. The problem is she can’t remember. It was all-consuming, but Laszlo has a plan.
In trying to narrow down his love, Nandor isn’t exactly making waves and the djinn is now growing bored of sending wishes to ashes.
As their session intensifies, Laszlo sends The Guide into her Mind Palace, but anything work-related is to be relinquished.
Guillermo hauls up to the house with some garments for the wives, and we catch a glimpse of him face timing someone who misses him. Though we’re not privy to the voice on the other end, we can only now speculate. He swears he’s happy for Nandor and his bride-to-be, yet still being very cagey to the film crew.
Those remaining do appreciate all he has to offer in terms of supplying and being non-threatening, but despite what they think, he’s not a eunuch in form, only in spirit to the rest of the house.
Sauntering through her mind palace, The Guide realizes things are in disarray and need to be cleansed, coming across a corridor of doors, one of which says “Shame — Do Not Open.”
Mentally, she herself cannot budge that door, but upon Laszlo’s suggestion that someone strong and powerful could help her.
Enter Guillermo… a naked, greased-up Guillermo.
Trust me, I’m a little shocked by her admission but not so much either. With this series, all bets are off.
In testing out his male wives through feats of strength, Nandor is no closer to what he perceives as actual love.
Being bested by them isn’t one of the tenants of his ‘great love’, so he sends them to the afterlife fit for a Zip-Lok bag.
At this point, he treats it rather like the Bachelor with imaginary coins supplanting roses.
I’m not giving him one for trying, however.
In a little nod to Manhattan, he scares a potential with a lobster, trying to be romantic. She ends up jumping through a window and getting run over by a truck.
Soon-Yi should only be so lucky.
As Guillermo and Nandor search for Baby Colin in the watery depths of the house, a Familiar has some airing of grievances in order to keep the house together.
What is it, unravel the yarn before you can correct the mistake?
Trying not to lose a child and trying to take care of 37 wives, now down to 7, isn’t a small task.
Finding Baby Colin on his literal island of a bed in the basement, hammering away at the wall is enough for Guillermo to lose it.
He’s missed 3 of his mother’s birthdays, not that his Master would know… or care.
Lulling the baby back to sleep whilst wading through a flooded basement is no small feat, but Guillermo executes it with ease.
Though his Master tries to crack a joke at Guillermo’s expense, the pieces are falling where they may.
Topside, Laszlo, and The Guide have hit a breakthrough!
As it turns out, her job wasn’t her reward but rather her penance.
Back in her prime years, she was a fucking sordid, kinky (ie. fun) vampire who led the Inquisition, and danced the Dance of the Seven Veils (sans veils). She also got to the core of her ordeal with a lust for vampire hunters.
Remember what I said about fate and all that? Fuck it.
In her rebel years, she’d bedded a Van Helsing so in order to have everything on track, the house implores Guillermo to woo her and though his denial seems firm, everybody’s got a price.
He leverages the request to be the nightclub’s accountant, and though skeptical at first glance, Nadja relents without much push back. Sure. Why not?
At the end of the day, which is the only time when a vampire should rationalize and take stock, it was a pittance on his part.
The seduction of a vampire wasn’t that hard by the way, despite The Guide’s protestations.
After a few awkward advances and comfortable rebuffs, the destruction begins so the construction may continue.
All’s well that end’s well, I suppose, as Nandor has narrowed his wife down to the one: Marwa (Parisa Fakhri).
She’s a mind of science and intellect and deserves way better than The Relentless, but with that blood-sucking teddy bear, I wouldn’t be smart with my brain either… dead or un.
Polishing off 3 more wishes to merely change her hair color, Nandor now has a wife (patent pending).