We open in on Vampire Residence. The Guide (Kristen Schaal), cloaked in stunning habiliments invites the house to her gallery opening. Huge shocker that nobody bats an eyelash, including gentleman dilettante Laszlo (Matt Berry). They hem and haw in the reasoning, despite having RSVP’d. Fuck it. Before leaving, she relays an invite to the famous Morrigan Mansion by owner Perdita herself. Only now do their ears perk up, as her high society status in the vampiric New World is renowned. Starfuckers, man.
The Guide’s optimism for the gang choosing her opening is summarily deflated. The whole gang’s been shitty to her up until this point, why stop now? This includes making her fly 200 miles to Morrigan Manor instead of squeezing her into the ride. Fucking all class, ya know? Colin Robinson (Mark Proksch) seizes the opportunity to channel his inner Hercule Poirot when all are directed to the drawing room for Mrs. Morrigan’s personal recorded message on a badass, mid-century modern tape device. She apologizes for her absence but implores them to use the amenities. All “six“ of them.
Laszlo wants no fencing partner in the Guide. In fact, he’s having more fun with multiplying automatons than someone with skill. He even refuses the Guide’s lovely assistance and with that, commences what can only be described as a beautifully choreographed fight with rapier wit, not for the “feint” of heart. (Fuck the rope. It’s not worth it. Where the shit is the bleach?)
The Guide informs Guillermo (Harvey Guillén), Colin, and Nandor (Kayvan Novak) of a traditional post-moonrise hunt prepared for them. She gets a fleet moment to show off her gorgeous oil paintings of the household. A scant moment. A pittance of eternity. That is all she is afforded, but they do worse than criticize her art; they dismiss it. Come on, people. It’s fucking 2023. I think we can afford a little kindness in this universe of uncertainties. Just because you drain the life doesn’t mean you have to suck at life.
The Guide takes Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) to the belfry to search for Laszlo. The Guide spots what appears to be the Grim Reaper, sending Nadja “for help”, sending her through the floor. Turns out it was just the shadow of a bunch of refuse. My stars!… were off. (Kinda).
With a gorgeous night hunt that would fit in with another island, Nandor treats his Familiar like a goddamn bloodhound. Spaceman or not, that shit ain’t fly and though the hunt isn’t Guillermo’s scene, he’s well aware of having to make a choice very soon. Nandor comes across the Guide, captive to a bear trap. With the pack of humans approaching, the Guide is putting a huge fucking bow on this gimme. Major cool points if my guy would show bravery in the face of ahh, who the fuck are we kidding? I’m fucking 1:1 incensed and disheartened.
In The Manor, Monsieur Robinson deduces that Guillermo is responsible for all the disappearances, but his logic is flakier than a fucking puff pastry. The Guide, injured, stumbles into the drawing room. Guillermo at least helps her. Oh, there’s blood. The effing lengths one would go to prove a point. Even then, Colin could give a fig. I want to kick these fucking vampires the fuck out of their unearned environs.
The Guide takes Guillermo to where the rest are held captive in solid silver cages. With the real Perdita on Vacay in her foreign chalet, the Guide used the space to teach the house a lesson about kindness. Her end game? Keep them close yet far for eternity, as she and Guillermo have felt. They were dicks to her, plain and simple. The footage never lies.
The Guide even concocted the hex of Nadja as an impetus for real inner growth. Selfless. In the nomenclature of Chef Slowik, they’re “takers.” The fucking worst definition of a vampire.
This point would have stood as the highlight of the night if the beans on Guillermo weren’t spilled. What ensues is one of the most gut-wrenching heart-to-hearts in the entire series, painfully presented to Nandor as a fait accompli. The hurt between Guillermo and his Master sits heavy.
Laszlo implores the crew to retrieve the tapes from Nov 21, 2022. In them, the house all says something nice about the Guide, including Nandor considering her for a wife. According to Laszlo, though vampires sometimes lack the vocal cords for sensitivity, they certainly don’t lack the heart for love. I feel seen.
Now, the real game begins. Guillermo better run. He’s now Ex-Communicado and I think Nandor only plays for keeps.
The penultimate episode of What We Do In The Shadows (FX) titled “A Weekend at Morrigan Manor” had a very The Menu meets Glass Onion meets John Wick vibe, and I ain’t mad at it. This is one time he’s not happy to be caught with his dick in his hands and the awesome choreography drove the experimental side to a delightful result. I say, fuck yes. This has always been a show that delivered. It isn’t afraid to take the leap. That being, would having her quit in a time of need have been any better, as I predicted?
That being said, the “inspired” line from Colin just fucking threw me for a loop. Mark fucking rules and Golden Girls line hit the spot. The sad thing is that as I’ve said in the past, this season the house has been meaner than usual to the Guide and it was pretty apparent they were setting the table for this, but could it have been done more elegantly? Great comedy doesn’t always have to be about the nuance, but I think the only thing unearned was the Guide’s forgiveness. Then again, I have trust in the show respecting its audiences’ intelligence. A single clip of footage may be just enough to plant the seed of something truly beautiful. We’re getting into heavy territory now. In the name of science, en guard.