By Danielle Stolman (w/ Matt Perri)
Last week, Eva lied to everyone about where she was training. This made all the other Divas real, real mad. So, they yelled. A lot. And Eva Marie couldn’t believe everyone was yelling a lot. Meanwhile, the Bellas are leaving WWE!!! Or, so it seems…not really. They’re here to stay. They helped yell at Eva! Also, Nattie had no idea what a dominatrix was. So, she decided to become one, almost bought a butt plug for her cats to play with and hired a hearing-impaired dominatrix to whip Tyson (who left the house in disgust) and tie up her Mom — who just happened to be visiting and was totally cool with being tied up by a woman she met 5 minutes ago.
Where do we go from here? Has Total Divas maxed out the number of times they’ve pressed the “STUPID SHIT” button? Let’s dive in…
We start with the following graphic, which states:
WE’RE SO CLOSE TO WRESTLEMANIA
THE DRAMA IS AT ABOUT AN 11
ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10
LOS ANGELES, CA – The Staples Center for Monday Night RAW
We pick up right where we left off: all the Divas yelling at Eva Marie for being Not In Florida. Eva leaves the room. Alicia says she’s pissed that she wasted time helping to yell at Eva. Naomi tells her that she’s not happy with Alicia or her behavior. Fox asks her to clarify. Naomi says that they’re all supposed to have a bond and that ambushing somebody is uncalled for. Naomi says that the girls are supposed to care for one another. Alicia: “WE DON’T CARE!” Fox leaves in disgust.
Natalya faces El Torito — who beats her. (MATT: Anyone who says that the Divas Division didn’t need change need only look here.)
Natalya hangs with WWE Talent Relations guy, Mark Carrano. Tyson does some stretches as Carrano talks WrestleMania 31 in Santa Clara. Nattie says that her sister is coming out to Santa Clara to see her. Carrano says that her Dad, Jim, is joining her sister. This is news to both Nattie and Tyson. Mark says he wanted to surprise her. They’re gonna be doing a “Father/Daughter Autograph Signing” at Axxess in San Jose. Nattie’s overjoyed. She says that this is the first time he’s been to any WWE event in a decade. She says that her Dad has made amazing progress getting “better”. She says that it’s amazing that he’s being accepted back into the WWE family again. Nattie hugs Tyson and says she’s so happy her Dad’s coming to WrestleMania.
Fans take photos with Paige and Brie at the airport. Brie wants to know if Paige is going to the WWE Hall of Fame. Paige says she is and she’s bringing her Mom as her “+1”. Brie says Daniel’s wearing a tux. Paige can’t believe it. Brie explains that the event is like “The Oscars”. (MATT: Except everything that happens at the HOF is real.) Brie practically creams her panties, telling the camera that this is a “red carpet event, the only one WWE has!” (MATT: Red carpets are to Bellas what lights are to moths.) Paige says that she doesn’t have a gown. She’s never had a gown. Brie promises to fix her up.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Eva is still licking her wounds from the other day. (MATT: I speak for all blogs when I say, “We demand immediate footage”.) Kendrick tells her to forget all about it. They’re drama queens. His only concern is training her. Eva tells the camera that it’s time to shake off all the negativity. We get a glimpse of her making Kendrick tap. (MATT: Oh, he tapped it all right.) I didn’t say “tapped it”. (MATT: Whatever…)
The Bella’s Car
It’s Diet Cheat Day for the Bellas! They’re going for donuts. (MATT: And they get to eat them without throwing them up later!) Brie tells Nikki that she’s “two weeks late”. Nikki’s soooo ecstatic. Brie complains about nausea and says she “hopes she doesn’t have diarrhea”. (MATT: Is it possible to go one episode without talking about the inner workings of the Bellas? Shit, they could have their own human biology film by now.) Nikki tells her “to not be gross”, which is ironic, since she was the one yapping about “seal slit” last season.
Tyson & Nattie’s House
Nattie does her usual weekly weird shit to a cat. Nattie wants to go over future plans about Tyson and Cesaro — until Nattie gets a call from her Mom, telling her that her Dad had a temper tantrum at the treatment center. Nattie wants to know more — and, suddenly — DAAAA!!! WHAT THE?! Her Mom’s there in the kitchen! (MATT: What the fuck?! Does she live in their goddamn bushes?!) Her Mom says she’s at her wit’s end with Jim. She wants nothing to do with Jim anymore. (MATT: “Where’s that dominatrix? I need her to tie me up so I can blow off some steam…”)
Brie and Danielle’s House
Brie’s upset. She’s started her period, so she’s not preggers. Nikki, like, doesn’t want her to, like, cryyyyyy. Dooooon’t. She pep-talks her as Brie says that she’s never getting pregnant. She tells the camera that, a few years ago, knowing she wasn’t pregnant would have sent her into Happy Hour with a smile. (MATT: “All right! Let’s go do some shots and pick up more random dudes at the bar!”)
The Henry (Coffee Bar)
Brie mocks her sister for saying “more bigger” during a conversation. (MATT: They obviously weren’t talking about John, then.) Cathy (their Mom) basically corrects her and says they were both wrong and to shut the fuck up and talk about something else. The Bellas whine about being on vacation. They awkwardly segue into pregnancy. Brie says she’s never getting pregnant at “her age” — and, so, they begin speculating about Nikki “donating eggs”. (MATT: She doesn’t get pregnant on the first try and floats the idea of using an egg from her wine-soaked sister?) Her Mom encourages this. (MATT: Can we go back to Paige picking out gowns?)
Nattie picks up her Dad, Jim. He’s in pain and asks for medication. Nattie lectures him about throwing a tantrum and he tells her that it isn’t a big deal. She tells him that coming Axxess is a big deal. He asks for more pain meds — just after taking them. This worries Nattie.
PHOENIX, CA (MATT: NO! COME ON! We just got AWAY from there!)
Brie and Daniel’s Car
Daniel bitches about getting a fertility check. Brie tells him she has to be in stirrups. She tells the camera that she gets an actual exam while Bryan gets to jerk off. Brie tells him that she wishes she could “help him out”. Daniel tells her not to be weird. He goes into a private room. A few minutes later, he comes — out of the room, that is, and sees the Total Divas’ camera crew. He tells them that it’s “weird” to see them there.
SAN JOSE, CA (MATT: Hey! It’s us!!!)
Norman Mineta International Airport
Paige comes in on a flight after we get shots of Matt and my hometown of San Jose which is comprised of SAP Center, various shots of the streets, Highway 87, and the Adobe Systems building. Alicia Fox picks her up and they drive through the city. Matt and I are so busy watching Alicia drive on Market Street by The San Jose Tech Museum, we barely have time for the plot here. We’re grinning as they talk dresses, driving down Stevens Creek to the Hotel Valencia in Santana Row.
The Fairmont Hotel
OH MY GOD!!! Matt and I stay here all the time! This is our hotel!!! Eva and Jon are together and HOLY CRAP!!! THE LOBBY OF THE FAIRMONT HOTEL!!! Nattie signs autographs out in the valet area and THIS IS JUST SO FULL OF FUCKING AWESOMENESS!!! (MATT: I AM LOVING THIS EPISODE! FIVE STARS!!! GO SAN JOSE!!!)
The next day, Nattie walks through the lobby of the Fairmont Hotel and calls her Dad. Her Dad sounds like he’s depressed. She asks him to let her Mom handle his medication. Jim’s not happy about the situation with the medication.
Meanwhile, Paige enters the room of Alicia Fox who introduces Paige to a gown specialist. Paige does not want to wear anything that’s suggested. She tries a red dress, but, nope.
The San Jose Convention Center for WWE AXXESS
Man…it feels like yesterday seeing this. Stephanie McMahon walks backstage and meets with Brie, giving her a hug. She wants Daniel Bryan to help present the Warrior Award to Connor Michalek. Bryan says that’s going to be hard to do “without crying”.
The Fairmont Hotel
Nattie comes to her parents’ room and tells her Dad that WWE is really treating him like a legend. Mattel is making a toy of him and he’ll be scanned into the new WWE video game. Jim’s thrilled. Nattie tells her parents not to fight and tells her Dad to stay away from alcohol at all times.
Paige visits Alicia again. The act goofy. (MATT: I’ll allow it! I’m marking out, dammit!) Alicia has people in her room ready to spray-tan Paige. Also, Nattie. (MATT: Let’s ALL spray-tan! This is awesome. I love this.) The tanning starts. Paige begs Fox to stop them. Paige comes out with color. Fox mocks her for having color. Paige winces into the camera. The tanner gives her a lotion that will take the tan off. (MATT: She’s wearing underwear in this shot. I’m still good. Keep going.)
Namea Greek Taverna (Restaurant)
Paige and Emma are at dinner. Paige wants drinks. Naomi and Jey Uso join them. Paige wants to talk about Eva Marie. Naomi isn’t happy with everyone talking shit about Eva Marie. Everyone argues. Jey raises his hand. He says that nobody should give a shit. Perks are available and anyone should take advantage of them. Alicia won’t hear any of this. Fox starts causing a scene while Paige tells her to shut the fuck up.
Alicia and Naomi are drunk as fuck. They stop at a bar. (MATT: It’s good that they’re trying to sober up.) Naomi tells the Divas that they need to take responsibility. She says that the Divas are trying to sabotage Eva while about 40 horny 20-somethings do their best not to stare in the background.
THE NEXT DAY…
The Fairmont Hotel
Paige and Brie walk through the lobby and go out to San Fernando Street toward Santa Clara Street. They talk about Eva Marie. Brie says it’s unfair because she’s “worked for what she’s gotten”. This just goes on and on.
SP2 (Communal Bar and Restaurant)
Nattie is having dinner with Bret Hart and her husband, Tyson. Nattie thanks Bret for looking after her Dad. Bret talks about the past and how Jim would fight with hotel clerks at 5:30 in the morning. Nattie gets a phone call and asks somebody if her Dad is “near a bar”. The voice assures her that he is not. Nattie feels like her Dad’s about to crack. She tells Bret that she dreams of the moment that she gets a terrible phone call about her Dad losing it. Bret mocks her. Tyson laughs. (MATT: Such a supportive group.) Nattie’s scared. Bret says it’s hard for him to be away from the past. Nattie says that it’s spoiling her weekend. She says that he’s caused her a lot of stress in her life. Stephanie, Bret’s wife, says that Nattie shouldn’t let her Dad’s life interfere with her happiness. Bret emphasizes this. Nattie just accepts this. (MATT: Just let him drink. It’ll be cool.)
Matt can’t comment right now. He’s got goosebumps, he says. He’s all about civic pride, this guy. Alicia and Paige go clothes shopping, stopping at Donald J. Pliner to try on shoes. Paige is bored and wanders outside, bumping into a fan who gushes over her, telling her that Paige inspired her to stop her eating disorder. Paige hugs her in a fairly moving moment. (MATT: I’ve still got nothing. I will simply agree.)
The Fairmont Hotel
Eva and Jon are in their hotel room. Eva says she’s sick of hearing people talk behind her back. Eva says she can’t help letting it bother her. Jon sympathizes with her. Eva says she’s done nothing wrong — but she also doesn’t want to hide.
San Jose Convention Center for WWE AXXESS
Nattie and her Dad take photos with fans who gush over the greatness that is Jim Neidhart. He looks happy to be there as they compliment him. Nattie is so happy to see her Dad meeting fans who love him so much.
Meanwhile, The Bellas exit their autograph session and head out in their car. (MATT: And everything was going SO well…) Nikki wants to smooth things over with Eva. She wants to know if Brie will come with her. Brie refuses. Brie says she’s got nothing else to say.
Paige is signing autographs…and, dammit, I don’t think we made the cut on camera! I got my picture taken with Paige at Axxess!
Paige says that it’s flattering that everyone comes out to see her and she says she didn’t think she had many fans that liked her very much. We get various shots of the crowd cheering her on. There’s a guy wearing a GoPro and he wants to know what she’s wearing to the Hall of Fame. She says she’s wearing a black gown. Paige tells the camera that she loves the fans and that she hopes they know that they don’t have to fit in or be like anyone else. Be yourself. A fan approaches her and lives by that philosophy. Paige tells her to keep doing it.
The Fairmont Hotel
Jon and Eva are doing the Superstars For Hope charity event. They arrive to see Daniel Bryan and the Bellas…but that’ll have to wait ’til next week…
HUGS AND PUNCHES
Nope. I think we can excuse these this week. This was a good episode. Matt agrees. (MATT: In total agreement. This was the best episode Total Divas has had since the series premiere four years ago. It was really awesome seeing San Jose represented as it was. I grew up here. Forgive me, but this really kinda hit me in a different way. The episode started like your normal Divas episode but turned into something heartfelt and real.)