By Danielle Stolman (w/ Matt Perri & Tania Pereira)
When we last left the Divas, THEBELLABRAND were on the verge of splitting up (*GASP*!)…so, now, we’re gonna watch how that doesn’t happen. Eva Marie had Fake Boob Repair and was undergoing rehab stints. Brie wants to get preggers…will the Divas survive? Can Eva make a comeback? Can we just see Charlotte already?! Let’s find out on the first episode of season 4 of TOTAL DIVAS!!!
And, as always, Matt (fresh off of Tough Enough) will join me with “witty” comments that you can all say sucked! 😀
We begin with a title card that reads, “A LION DOES NOT WORRY HERSELF WITH THE OPINION OF SHEEP.”
DES MOINES, IA
Paige opens an SUV to let Naomi out of the backseat. They go into the restaurant and are excited to see Alicia Fox is there. Alicia runs to Paige and jumps into her arms, wrapping her legs around her like long lost lovers reuniting. Nattie shows up and Alicia is baffled by the new pink in her hair. (MATT: Because it’s…different from the last time she had pink in her hair?) Paige is happy the Bella Twins may be leaving. Alicia, showing the addictive personality that almost cost her the WWE career and put her in rehab, tells the camera she can’t wait to start stirring shit up. The girls discuss how they’ve all had moments where they wanted to quit. Paige says with the Bellas gone, that gives the girls some empty spots that they can advance to.
Suddenly, the Bellas appear to join them for lunch and stir stuff up for real.
|(MATT: Nikki’s boobs arrived a few seconds before she did.)|
Nikki has a Louis Vitton purse that we all know John Cena bought her. Alicia says she’s thinking of changing her gimmick to Halle Berry’s Storm from X-Men. (MATT: Mark Carrano’s already cracking his knuckles and gritting his teeth.) Nattie wants to embrace change and a whole new look as well, she says she will be TJ and Cesaro’s little vixen. (MATT: Does TJ know Nattie wants to be the meat in a tag team sammitch?) Paige likes this and suggests a whip as a prop. Nikki gets pissy because nobody’s talking about the Bellas anymore.
Nikki and Brie leave the restaurant and talk. Nikki pouts and says she won’t miss having girl brunches anymore. Brie rolls her eyes as Nikki continues to whine about the girls attempting to take her spot.
MONDAY NIGHT RAW
Nattie takes a selfie with fans.
Nikki (current WWE Divas Champion) and Brie fight Paige and AJ Lee. Brie wins the match with the Rack Attack. Nikki tells the camera she worked hard for 8 years to get where she’s at to foreshadow that she’s not really leaving any time soon. She says that “so much” goes into the ring with you. You have to know psychology and timing and connect with the audience.
|(MATT: Pictured – The reason Nikki “connects with the audience”)|
KANSAS CITY, MO for WWE SMACKDOWN
Brie is clipping Daniel Bryan’s beard. He complains no one will help him with that if she leaves. Meanwhile, Nikki and Nattie discuss how Nikki outdoes everyone else with the brand-name luggage. Nattie compliments Nikki on her match last night, saying she hopes they can learn to wrestle like that because they want the Divas Championship. (MATT: Ah, Nikki wrote this portion of the show…) Nikki says she is worried she will be “mugged like Nancy Kerrigan” in the hallways. (MATT: It’ll end up being a Work.)
Nattie stops to talk with Emma and Summer and fake-punches Summer in the cutest way. (MATT: Ha, ha! I hate you, Summer. Wanna go for a manicure after this?) Nattie takes a Selfie with Summer and Emma and doesn’t want to do a re-shoot because “Summer looks bad in the photo”. (MATT: What is with all the personal time and the Selfies? Is she gonna hang herself after the show?)
The Office of Mark Carrano, VP of Talent Relations
Nattie goes to talk to Mark and wants to know the truth about the Bella’s departure. He tells her not to believe in speculation. She says she wants to do a new character: a “crazy dominatrix cat lady”. (MATT: Well, she’s definitely already got the “crazy cat lady” part down.) Mark says it would be hard to be a dominatrix in the “PG era”. (MATT: Except when they’re showcasing Nikki’s tits.) He tells her that Eva’s currently training in California — and Nikki’s brain hits a record scratch. He tells her they are planning on pushing Eva Marie due to her look and “unique ability of acting”. (MATT: We are talking about Eva Marie, right? The wrestler?) Nattie is confused as she was told Eva Marie said she was in the Performance Center in Florida. Carrano goes Pure Mafia and tells her “she heard wrong”, then tells her to “forget about it” and looks smug.
|(MATT: WWE’s Mark Carrano – now with BALLS)|
LOS ANGELES, CA
Brian Kendrik is training Eva Marie hard. She’s in the ring taking practice falls, slamming herself on her back. (TANIA: That’s a regular weeknight for her. HI-YOOO! Oh, god, it’s so good to be back doing the recap with you guys…) Eva says that Brian’s a former champion and “awesome at what he does”. (MATT: So great, WWE fired him and then brought him back as a trainer.) She’s been training and eating right since her surgery and she’s even on track with her “husbandger” working to support her. Brian makes her do more moves and she complains that it’s so difficult. He reminds her that they will train for hours each day for weeks.
KANSAS CITY, MO
Paige and Naomi are so bored, they’re drawing fake tattoos on each other with Sharpies. (TANIA: Still a better idea than Nattie’s “Cat Lady Dominatrix”.) The Bellas come by and giggle at how “funny” this is. Nattie interrupts and tells them all that Eva Marie has her own private coach in LA. and that she’s not in Florida. Brie is upset as Eva has told her she was going to NXT. (MATT: Am I the only one who doesn’t find this to be a legit plot point?) The girls are upset that none of them got private coaches in their career. Brie tells the camera that NXT is a state-of-the-art training center and she wished she could have trained there. Instead, she trained at a batting cages and “canned food buildings”. (MATT: Oh, the humanity.)
Nikki claims each wrestler wishes they could be in their own bed each night and that training 8 hours a day with one coach isn’t how you reach the top it’s being on the road and actually taking part in competition. She says she gave up her personal life to the business. (TANIA: But dates John Cena…so that makes up for it.)
Paige tells the camera that she put 10 years into getting where she is and that getting to train at home is too easy. She says that Eva Marie has a silver spoon and the easiest Diva career she has ever witnessed. (MATT: …explains two-time Divas Champion, Paige.)
Carrano visits the Bella Twins and they want to know where Eva really is. Nikki says that Eva will user in an awful era of the Divas Division where the fans will take “snack breaks” during their matches. (MATT: They don’t do that already?) He admits she’s training in California as she needs dedicated round-the-clock training. Nikki asks if he wants Eva to take her spot. Carrano says that nobody could take Nikki’s spot. (TANIA: Is John Cena sitting in a room with Carrano’s family at gunpoint? What is with this shit?)
|(MATT: “I did what you asked, John…just let them go…”)|
Nikki says that she came to “make history” at WWE so it’s not about the money for her. (TANIA: She gets that from John Cena, so she’s covered there.) Nikki says Eva could be training in NXT. Mark says they need her to be in California for other offers he can’t get into. Nikki says that she and Brie were offered new contracts but her and Brie declined. Nikki regrets this. Brie watches as Luke Harper suplexes Daniel Bryan on his head. Brie nearly has a heart attack. Nikki doesn’t seem to care much. Brie calls her a bitch.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Eva Marie and Jonathan’s apartment
Eva Marie shows the camera bruises she got from training. Jon says he’s a great coach for her as he’s confident in her abilities and she should continue with him. He tells her to stop getting bruises because they will get the police to investigate him if she won’t. (MATT: Man, No Pants Provided must be–nah…too easy.) Eva replies they will have to invest in a lot more ice then.
SANTA CLARA, CA
Pierre Silber, LLC
Nattie, Jon and Trinity are going to a sex shop because they all need a story this week. Turns out they are there for the dominatrix character Mark already shot down. They try out whips, various masks, and a chair for torture (I think). Nattie puts on a big “cat” mask and says she feels claustrophobic. (TANIA: This is one of those “Russo Swerves”, right, Matt…? RIGHT???) Nattie picks up a butt plug with a fox tail on it and, after examining it, she says it would be a great toy for her cat. (TANIA: No submissive would ever take her seriously. Ever.) The shop clerk tells her what it is and Naomi can’t even grasp the concept. (TANIA: This is so weird! Last season, Nattie didn’t think lesbians were “appropriate” and, now, she wants to be a dominatrix! I guess it only matters if your ass is on the line.)
Fattoria Italiana North (restaurant)
Nikki is having dinner with her mom, Kathy. Kathy cautions her to be careful about throwing away her WWE career for this new hosting opportunity. Being a numbers person, she wants to know if her next venture is a guarantee.
Nattie and TJ’s apartment
All is well in the house of cats when Adina, a hearing-impaired dominatrix comes to the door to meet with Nattie. (MATT & TANIA: What. The. Fuck.) Adina looks like Nattie without the pink in her hair. She tries to teach Nattie about “dominating TJ” to which TJ responds, “I think I’d call the police”. She suggests they use cat as their safe word. TJ: “I would have used ‘CAT’ 20 minutes ago if that were the case.” She guides Nattie through “dominating” TJ and even commands him to get on his knees to get whipped — with a cat toy. (TANIA: I didn’t ask to see any of this.) TJ puts up with it for about 2 minutes and then walks out and gets into his car to leave. Nattie chases him to the garage, begging him not to leave. But TJ drives off in a huff as the dominatrix is left in a lurch. (MATT: And every one of Adina’s clients fires her the next day…)
Nattie calls TJ on his cell. He answers, pissed off, and says that he’s a tag team champion not a purring cat. They hang up. So, the “research” goes on with Adina spanking Nattie with a whip a few times — when her Mom just abruptly enters the house.
|(TANIA: “M-O-M outta NOWHERE!!!”)|
Her mom asks what Nattie’s doing with the same tone as how one asks how her job is going. Nattie: “We’re just doing dominatrix stuff.” (TANIA: Oh, hey, Mom. Just gettin’ spanked. How’s Dad?) Nattie’s mom seems incredibly cool with it all. She even lets Adina tie her with tape.
|(MATT: “I think it’s time to re-negotiate my WWE contract…”)|
(TANIA: Hundreds of dominatrixes in the Florida area and this is the one Nattie chose? I hope she hid all her valuable jewelry.) All of the sudden. Nattie has a change of heart and thinks maybe she will not do this gimmick after all.
The Bellas, Paige, Jon, Trinity and Alicia are having dinner with TJ and Nattie. Nattie talks all about the dominatrix. Nikki encourages Nattie that she can have a dominatrix ring personality even if it doesn’t fit her. (MATT: “It’s not right at all, but do it anyway”: WWE Creative’s motto.) Nattie looks up Eva Marie’s Instagram and says Eva posted a quote, saying “a lion not worry herself with the opinion of sheep”. (TANIA: Matt’s motto for dealing with online criticism.) (MATT: That’s ri–HEY!!!) Paige is pissed about it and says that Eva cares more about her hair than wrestling. The entire table spends the next couple of minutes pretending Eva’s never wrestled before. Alicia gets upset because Trinity thinks that “talking shit” isn’t gonna solve the issue. Alicia doesn’t see it that way and calls it “comparing notes”.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Santino Brothers Wrestling Academy
Eva tells her trainer that she is sore from her last workout. She learns how to perform a leap frog while her husband is there to encourage her from the side. Eva stops as she has a problem with this move. — she just can’t do it. He tells her that she has been doing great up until today and instructs her to take a walk and think if she wants to do this. Eva goes outside to talk to her husband about it. She is frustrated that she hasn’t picked up more even though it’s been 6 days. (MATT: I’m not sure she could pick up anything in six months.) She has heard talk that the girls are mad that she has the extra training and it’s getting in her head. Jon convinces her to go back in and give it another try. Predictably, she learns the leapfrog maneuver in record time. (TANIA: This is so touching. Like the Karate Kid.) Her goal she tells the camera is to put in a lot of hard work and be the best WWE Diva ever
The Honda Center in ANAHEIM, CA for a WWE Live Event
Nikki takes Brie aside to talk in private. (MATT: As Fandango looks on.) She thinks Brie should wait three years to have a baby. Brie is skeptical as they already told everyone they were going to walk away. She says they should take the opportunity as they can be the female version of what Cena is. Nikki says she isn’t trying to convince Brie, she’s just telling her it’s the right thing to do. Brie questions why it’s “the right thing” and points out that she’s only worried because her ego is being put to the test.
The Stalples Center in LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA for WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW
Lilian Garcia comes to get Brie to talk. She claims that Eva Marie is saying that the girls are ganging up on her. Brie tells the camera that Eva can “fuck off”. Brie says they’re upset and wary of the situation because Eva has two different stories. Brie says that WWE isn’t the road to fame or Hollywood. (MATT: “Stay tuned after “Total Divas” for a sneak peek at John Cena in Judd Apatow’s new comedy, “Trainwreck”!) Lillian says she was “played” by Eva.
Nattie has her version of a sexy outfit with spikes on her jacket that reveals a sparkly bra. She shows it to Jon who totally gawks at her. Nattie claims that “this is who she’s always been”. (TANIA: Didn’t Nattie spend all of last season whining about how “inappropriate” the girls’ gimmicks were?)
Brie comes to talk to Eva Marie about what is going on. She’s upset that Lillian pulled her aside to talk about this and tells Eva it’s getting out of hand. Eva sits there and takes Brie’s abuse and then says it’s time confront the locker room to give them the full story.
Nikki tells the camera that she’s so excited as it’s the last RAW before Wrestlemania (when Paige faces Nikki for the Divas Championship). Nikki says the fans have gone from wanting to get a snack for a Divas match to being on the edge of their seats for it. (MATT: It’s official. Nikki’s in another dimension.) They even edit in “excited crowd” shots in between the girls working in the ring. Oh — and this was “Nikki’s best match”.
The Divas kiss Nikki’s ass for the match. Nikki tells Nattie, Paige and Alicia she wants to stay even if Brie has baby fever. Brie is happy for her but she doesn’t want to stay. Nikki calls Eva a “bitch” and says that she’s gonna face the Divas’ wrath.
Eva talks to Cameron who warns her that she’s walking into the lion’s den if she goes to talk to the other Divas. They intersperse the Wyatt theme with Eva walking in for a cool montage. The girls demand to know what’s going on. Brie says that everyone’s uneasy about Eva, adding, “Like…LEGIT.” (MATT: She’s added that to every argument this episode. She needs to stop.) Paige says the vague Instagram posts are not helpful. Eva says she’s all about empowering women. Paige says the lion and sheep quote is not empowering. (TANIA: Technically, it is. They just don’t agree with it.) The girls say they have given their lives to wrestling and she has not. Brie says she is bringing the division down because “she sucks at wrestling.” Yet, if that’s the case shouldn’t they want her to improve regardless if it’s at NXT or with a private trainer?
Anyhow…there’s lots to look forward to this year if the season preview is any indication:
- Daniel Bryan and Tyson’s injuries are covered
- Paige gets a marriage proposal — but her sex tape complicates things
- Nattie goes to a strip club
- Dolph Ziggler hits on Nikki
- Eva wants her name on top of the Divas Division — but the Bellas aren’t gonna let her take it
And, now…the Hugs & Punches…
Eva Marie for busting her ass to be a better wrestler. Actually makes me want to see her in the ring in the future. (And a bonus hug to Nattie’s Mom for being tied up with duct tape and not losing her shit.)
Eva Marie. She actually looks serious about her comeback. Her story and the backstage politics actually made for an interesting episode.
TJ because holy shit, Nattie. The arbitrary “I wanna be a dominatrix” bullshit aside, why did TJ (and, for that matter, Nattie’s Mom) need to be subjected to any of what we saw?
Nikki. In every way possible. From her selfish rich-bitch behavior to her treatment of Marie to trying to keep Brie with her because of her own ego…I just have no sympathy for her.
Both Bellas. Week after week. Nikki more than Brie. Nobody ever calls out the Bellas on this show for anything — including the fact that Nikki would be nothing if she wasn’t fucking Cena.
The entire Divas Division — including Lillian Garcia. Seriously, Garcia. Why were you on this show? The entire thing was a bunch of women clucking behind somebody’s back. It was all sorts of ugly.