As we FINALLY enter into the airing of this season’s finale of The Bachelorette, one must ask themselves the very important question: Is this over yet? This, of course, meaning both the silly-ass show itself, and the relationship between Kaitlyn and the dork she ends up choosing. By the time this review is posted, the couple could very well be broken up already. Such is normally the case in the world of the Bachelor/ette.
In any case, the season finale episode finds Kaitlyn choosing between jealous growling Neanderthal Shawn, and sewer-rat, pretzel-body, mumbling Nick. Chris Harrison promises a SHOCKING live finale, and the audience watching it along with him agrees. “Will there be everlasting love for Kaitlyn?”, he asks. Ummm, no. No there wont. I give it 8 months. I’m being kind.
Shawn still wont say Nicks name. “Theres still this other guy “, he whines. Both men go to meet Kaitlyn’s family, and Nick is up first. K warns them that the two remaining men hate one another. Nick and K enter the house and sit on a couch with like 18 other people all squished into a corner. K sits on the corner of the couch, barely hanging on. Aren’t there more chair options in these people’s home? The family asks Nick why he is here, and he puts his hand over his mouth and mumbles some crap about being here for Kaitlyn. Mom and Nick go outside and talk, and K says to camera that if her mom doesn’t approve of a guy, she wont be with him. Nick sheds tears as he tells the mom “I will totally ask her. I’m in love with your daughter. ” He then talks to the dad, who looks like a turtle, and dad gives his blessing for proposal. K and Nick kiss a lot outside by the car and say goodbyes.
The family meets Shawn. He is grunting up a storm and wants to “get off to the right foot.” Okay, well , maybe start by using the proper phrase. He brings gifts for K’s sisters kids, and he makes a speech at dinner toasting to Kaitlyn and to their future and her family. K’s sister tells her she is “Team Shawn.” Shawn and the turtle talk outside, where Grunt Man says he is proud to “have Kaitlyn as my girl”, like he owns her. He asks the parents together for their blessing, they say yes. They also kiss out by the car, and he tells her he loves her twice.
Kaitlyn has her last date with each of the toolbag men. Nick is up first, and his lisp and mumbling is at an all-time high, I can barely make out anything he is saying on this date. He keeps moving his arm up to his mouth when he talks. I want to punch him. I think at one point he tells her “I love looking at you.” Well okay then, creeper They go sailing. He wears a dorky striped shirt. At dinner later, Nick gives her a picture of them and a poem he wrote that is god-awful. Can these people please STOP writing poetry? Please? It’s just beyond bad. She tells cameras she can see him as her husband.
During her last date with Shawn, she acts all awkward with him and sad-like. Its bizarre. He feels nervous because she is acting weird. They have dinner and he has a gift for her – a memory jar filled with all the corny things they have done together over the years …. I mean, weeks. She tells the camera “I’m in love with two guys, and two guys are in love with me. I don’t want to blindside anyone. I’m terrified.” Again with the terrified. Both men pick out rings. Nick tells the ring guy his whole life story about last season when Andi came knocking on his door instead of the ring dude. They are trying SO hard to make this dramatic, and it just isn’t.
Its time to find out who will propose to Kaitlyn, and then break up with her weeks later. Nick gets out of the limo first. He walks to her outside at the cheesy location, and it literally takes forever for him to walk this complicated maze-like path to get to her. They both whisper and he lisps his way through his dumb speech. He goes on and on and on with “So, you know how in love I am with you and what you mean to me and , like, I’m not ready to let you go and I don’t wanna let us go. I am yours forever, if you’ll have me.” He drones on and on even more, while looking like sad puppy, and Kaitlyn DOESNT STOP HIM. It is very clear by this point that she is sending him home due to the cold expression on her face, but she just KEEPS LETTING HIM TALK!!! “and so , uh, Kaitlyn ” … he takes out ring and starts to get on his knee when she FINALLY stops him with a weak “please. ” He says “No? Alright. Kaitlyn: “I’m sorry. My heart is with somebody else. I really needed all this time to figure that out.” “I see. I’m not trying to be short, it’s just, I don’t think there’s anything you could say that would make me less confused. You knew what I felt for you and it wasnt just a moment for me. You don’t want to be with me. You don’t love me.” She says I’m sorry again, and they walk out awkwardly together. She tells him she is not trying to sugarcoat anything. He says “I’m gonna go now.” He gets into the sad limo and tosses the ring on the floor. Nick: “I feel sick. I’m in shock. To hear her tell me that she loves me, more than once, its like a fuckin joke. The worlds biggest joke.” Kind of like this show.
Now its time for Kaitlyn and the Big Hairy Monster to get engaged. Shawn walks up and speaks to Kaitlyn: “I knew my life wasnt the same when I met you. I fall more in love with you every time I see you. I love you so much Kaitlyn.” She finally tells him how she feels. “You light me up and you make me laugh and allow me to be myself . I want to tell you the truth (longest pause ever). The truth is I never want you to question ever again what we have. I am yours. I’ll always be faithful to you. I have been waiting so long to tell you how I feel. I love you with all my heart, you are the one and you always will be.” He gets down on knee and proposes to her, and then lifts her into the air for the cheesiest ending ever.
During the AFTER THE FINAL ROSE special, all the predictable things happened. The men argued with each other and with Kaitlyn, Shawn and Nick had a bro-to-bro exchange, in which they solved nothing, and Harrison asked them stupidly “So, you guys wanna hug it out?” Ummm, no. That’s not happening. Go back to the Fantasy Suite and play with your toys.
That is all for this season, folks. Stay tuned for the eventual breakup of this annoying couple.