Well, here we are, back again to witness yet another season of “journeys” and “fairy tales” on the mind-blowingly stupid show “The Bachelor.” I believe this is Season #879, and this time, as they’ve been known to do, The Bachelor chooses one of the rejects from last season’s stupidity, and turns them into the new victim … uh … I mean … bachelor. The premise is always the same. One man (or woman) – and in this case, 28 women, a mansion, lots of hot tubs, LOTS of drinking, endless rose-giving, and enough drama to make your eyeballs burn. In the end, there is usually a proposal, and then a few months later, off air, there is usually a break-up. But its okay, because all of this keeps the wine industry in business, not to mention it has kept the most pointless person on earth, host Chris Harrison, employed for over a decade. So let us begin with episode one of this new season. I shall do my best to try to describe the crazy to you. Sit down with a few bottles of wine, it’s going to be a long one.
This season’s bachelor choice is Ben Higgins, who looks like a much cuter adult version of Peter Brady. And even though he does have a nice and seemingly genuine personality, he seems about as exciting and riveting as Peter Brady too. He is from the small town of Warsaw, Indiana, and in the first episode, the show makes a big deal about the fact that he is only 26. He tells the camera “I’m just a normal guy.” Suuuure. A normal guy who goes on a TV reality show to find a wife, TWICE. Also, his hair looks like it was run over by a lawnmower, and then the lawnmower turned back around and ran it over a second time, just for fun. Peter Brady’s parents have been married for over 30 years, and he says he wants to find something like what they have. So, of course, the best place to find that would be on national television, don’t you agree? Ben was rejected by Kaitlyn on last seasons “The Bachelorette”, although the intro to tonight’s show didn’t mention that at all, which was odd. Ben told cameras: “I’m nervous to date 26 people.” Gee, if I could count how many times I’ve said that in my lifetime. OH that’s right. I have NEVER once said that. I forgot.
Next up in Episode One, Ben gets advice from 3 past “Bachelors” on the show; Chris Soules (Farmer Dull), Jason Mesnik (Mr. “I picked one person, then, OOPS! MY BAD!, chose a different person after the finale”), and Sean Lowe, who stupidly dyed his hair blonde and made it look stupider than Ben’s “Attack of the Lawnmower” Hairstyle. The only advice that Hay-for-Brains Farmer Boy had was to “kiss all of them.” Then he just sat there nodding like a jackass while the other real men talked. Ben said he wanted to get to know people before doing too much kissing. The men left, and then there was a small montage introduction that featured some of the ladies vying for Ben’s love. I will highlight some of the strongest and most memorable of these crazy-ass females, in the next paragraph, where we shall discuss Ben’s first time meeting them.
GETTING OUT OF THE LIMO:
As with each new season, The Bachelor stands just outside the mansion, as Pointless Host Chris Harrison has his shining moment of the night and explains what is about to happen. “You are about to meet 26 amazing women. Are you ready? Have fun. ” What would we do without this guy to show us the ways of life? And now the real fun begins ….
Lauren with the initial B, is a flight attendant living in Boston. When she meets Ben, she gives him a pair of wings. She also says her “S” words in a very annoying way. Caila runs and jumps into Ben’s arms, and then he carries her like a weirdo. Jami, a bartender from Canada, gushes: “Goodness gracious I’m nervous!” Woah! Watch your language, young lady! Amanda has a little girl voice. LACE is a nutbag, and yes, her name is Lace, so right there, we know she’s going to be a problem. She has crazy possessive eyes, and she demands Ben to close his eyes upon meeting her, and then she kisses him. “I wanted to get the first kiss”, she says. Someone named Shushanna didn’t even speak english at all, and is from Russia. Ben just stared at her as she spoke to him, in total confusion. Leah brought a football, put it between her own legs, and spiked it toward Ben. When he caught it, she said “I knew you were a good catch.” GAG!!!!!
Joelle wore a unicorn-head and then told him: “Its true. Unicorns do exist.” What the f**k? Where do they come up with this crap? Laura is from Kentucky, and is a redhead who wants to be called “Red Velvet.” She seems terrified of everything, including Ben, herself, and oxygen. Mandi is a dentist, and also, she is batshit crazy. Weird as hell, and from Portland to boot. SHe showed up out of the limo with a giant rose hat and told Ben that he could “pollinate it later tonight.” Then, of course, we have the twin sisters, Haley and Emily, who of course say all the things at the same time and finish each others sentences and all that good stuff. They are already on my last nerve, and I think Ben should hit them both over the head with a 2 by 4. They awkwardly hug and giggle together with Ben, before going into the mansion. Maegan is a cowgirl who brought with her, her mini-horse, because THAT’S normal.
Breanne is super annoying and brought a basket of bread, which she then beat the shit out of against the brick wall outside. “I’m a nutritional therapist, and I think gluten is Satan.” As girls kept pulling up in the limos outside, the ladies inside were getting more and more anxious, and Lace was drinking more and more wine, because whats a first episode without at least one loony alcoholic? “I’m judging everyone. Some dumb ones, some pretty ones. None of these people are competition for me though. ” Oh, and Lace has GIANT teeth. She needs to see that crazy dentist about her ginormous teeth.
Meanwhile, outside, Izzy pulls up in her one piece pajamas, saying “I’m under dressed, but I had to find out if you were the onesie for me.” And that is where there should have been a rimshot or the sound of people booing. Rachel is “Unemployed”, love when they don’t even pretend to have jobs on this show. They just come right out with it – “Yeah my name is Bambi and I do absolutely nothing in life.” But at least being unemployed is being honest. Unlike Tiara, whose job is listed as “Chicken Enthusiast.” Ummm …. really??? What the fuck is a chicken enthusiast? You really like chickens? How is that a job? Perhaps you need to see a psychiatrist about this chicken obsession. She said she was really going to miss her chickens to take part in this JOURNEY, but she had to ask herself “which comes first, the chickens or the Ben?” Where the hell is that rimshot sound effect?
COCK-TAIL PARTY DRAMA:
Now that Ben has met all the crazies, I mean … ladies …. they all go inside and try to impress each other and make out and drink more alcohol. All the girls are talking about how gorgeous Ben is, how he is the best Bachelor of all time, yadda yadda yadda. Then, enter Ben and his perfectness, and everybody literally gushes out loud . Before entering the mansion, he takes out his cell phone and calls his mom and dad to tell them that the limo meets went very well. Awwwww, how sweet. Then, he goes inside to greet the ladies and they are all tripping all over themselves and fanning themselves. Really? Have you people never seen a man before? Calm the hell down. Then, in the middle of Ben’s welcome speech to everyone, Crazy Dentist Rose Hat steals him away and makes him lie down on a bench outside so she can give him an oral exam to make sure he flosses well. “If we are going to make out, you have to floss.” Who the fuck is she, Hermie from “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?” For reasons unknown, Ben goes along with this and doesn’t seem completely turned off, as most humans would be. Olivia, a news anchor who tells Ben she left her job to come on the show, makes a good impression on him and he tells cameras that.
Then, Amber and Becca show up. They are both former contestants from past seasons – more rejects that didn’t get chosen. Apparently, they love Ben so much that they wanted to be on the show, so Chris Harrison meets them outside and sets up the drama for everyone. “Now Ben has no idea you are here, and its up to him whether or not to keep you or send you home tonight.” Oooooh!!! Of course, this does not sit well with Lunatic Giant Teeth Lace and her 9th glass of wine. “Its unfair. They have an advantage. And who the hell wants a fucking virgin anyway?”, she says, referring to Becca, who is a virgin. Lace eventually steals Ben, takes him outside, and asks him awkwardly if she can get a second, “better” kiss from him, than the one she forced on him outside. Just as he is about to tell her no, the other loon interrupts them with her dentistry conversation. After he finishes up with Loon Number Two, he goes inside to find Loon Number One, Giant Teeth. He finds her and tells her that he wants to get to know her more before kissing her, and that she is gorgeous and great. She mutters through her glazed drunk eyes and slurs that he doesn’t seem to notice: “OH okay, you have no idea what this means to me.” Whatever. Keep drinking, crazypants.
Finally, host Chris Harrison has another shining moment, as he drops the rose off on the coffee table in the main room of the party mansion. He doesn’t say a word, just leaves the rose there, which is the First Impression Rose. All the ladies start sweating and drinking more and flipping out about who is going to get the rose. Eventually, Peter Brady comes by and awkwardly takes the rose and leaves to go find his winner. He gives it to Olivia, the news anchor, and again, Lace is not happy. “He didn’t make eye contact with me”, she slurs. What the hell are you blabbering on about, woman? Finally, it is time to end the party and have the first rose ceremony. Ben comes in and announces that he is nervous by making a heart-pounding sound against his chest. The girls laugh at his silly joke WAY TOO HARD – its embarrassing. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is in the Fantasy Suite pleasuring himself until his next line.
THE ROSE CEREMONY:
Drama. Ben picks lots and lots of girls, and for reasons unexplainable to humans, he keeps the chicken lady AND the crazy dentist AND the one he cant even understand because she speaks no english AND Giant Teeth Alcoholic Lace. But, that isn’t good enough for her. SHe gets the final rose, and as everyone is about to celebrate with champagne, she asks Ben if she can talk to him privately yet AGAIN. They have one of the stupidest conversations ever on the face of the earth:
Big Teeth: I feel like you didn’t look at me even once through that whole ceremony and at the party. Like, you didn’t look me in the eye at all.
Ben: Okay well I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to not look at you. Did you see there are a lot of great people in there and you are one of them, which is why I gave you a rose.
Big Teeth: But you never made eye contact with me even once. Like, I thought I was going home. You didn’t look at me.
Ben: So just to be clear, the issue here is that I didn’t look at you during the rose ceremony …”
The show sort of left off in the middle of their stupid conversation, with Ben saying to cameras “But I GAVE HER A ROSE!!! Ahhh!! I think the drama is just getting started!”
Ben sent home red-headed Laura, who assumed it was because “maybe he doesn’t like redheads. Some people don’t.” Or maybe it’s because you look like you are terrified of air. Breanne and her gluten-free existence and her dumb bread also didn’t make the cut. On her way out, he told her “keep doing you.” GAG!!! He also sent home other pointless people who I don’t remember. The important thing here is that the Chicken Enthusiast made it through.
NEXT WEEK: Chris Harrison makes love to a chicken. Ben confuses one twin for the other, and nobody notices, not even the twins. The lawnmower runs over Ben’s hair a third and final time.