‘The Bachelor’ Review: So Stupid, It Hurts My Brain

Let me get right to the point. This episode of The Bachelor was SO stupid in its usual stupidity, that it took me almost three days to get through it on my DVR, and then another 4 days to come to terms with writing about it. Yes, this show is ALWAYS stupid, but this episode and this particular cast of women, are literally the KING OF ALL THINGS STUPID. It is mind-boggling just how much stupid goes into one episode. And for whatever reason, last weeks episode, although the usual 2 hours, seemed like it was 17 hours of pure hell. IT JUST WOULDN’T END. Let me put it this way – I usually have about 3 pages of notes to write these reviews. For this one? NINE. Nine pages of notes. Lord help us all ….

So we begin with Pimp Daddy Pointless Harrison entering to tell the girls dramatically that “Ben is no longer in Los Angeles. (pause for dramatic amount of time) YOU’RE MEETING HIM IN VEGAS!!!” So the girls and their giant wine glasses go to Vegas. Muppet Mouth Olivia says: “OMG! I can’t. I can’t … I can’t handle this right now!” Then opens mouth wide into camera. Peter Brady / Ben says: “Vegas is a place where people DO fall in love, they DO get married.” Okay, whats with putting the stress on the word DO all the time with these idiots? They all do it on this show. “I DO feel like I’m falling for Ben! I DO like Ben!” Okay, nobody is arguing that you DON’T, so stop stressing the word DO for no reason. When the girls arrive in Vegas, they lose their minds screaming at a dumb message from Ben on a marquee. They stay at Aria Sky Suites, and Leah finally gets a line with: “I feel like a baller!” Okay then. I think I liked her more when she had no lines. The first date card arrives and Muppet tells cameras: “Ben is my piece. I’m Zen with Ben. MINE!” Okay, cra-cra. Lets calm our Muppet face down some. Settle down. Theres still a whole soccer team of women here besides you. JoJo gets the first one on one, and Muppet is NOT HAPPY!!!!


How can you marry someone named JoJo? Thats just not going to happen. But they go on their silly-ass date anyway. Helicopter lands on the roof of building right next to hotel to pick the couple up, so of course all the girls are watching from the window as Ben and JoJo share kisses while crouched down waiting for helicopter. They flip out. “OMG are we watching them kiss right now?” They can’t handle it and grab some more wine. Meanwhile, Mr. Drab and JoJo touch each others faces weirdly in the helicopter, and make out more. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. They have dinner, and Annoying Voice says more words. “Bland Man”, as Saturday Night Live so brilliantly called Ben in their Bachelor parody sketch last week, says:

Ben: Theres so many things about you I find attractive. I’ve had, like, moments.

Her: I ended a relationship like 5 months ago.

Him: How did it end?

Her: There were trust issues.

Him: Did he cheat on you?

Her: It was just, I gave myself fully, and I wasnt the only person involved in their life.

WTF does THAT mean??? Can these idiots ever NOT speak in riddles? Just SAY what you mean. Were you cheated on or not? You werent the only person involved in THEIR life? Who is “their?’ And who else was involved? An ex? A wife? Another man? A turtle? BE SPECIFIC.

After that brilliant conversation, they go up to the rooftop for one more surprise, a huge fireworks display just for them. OF course, all the girls can see THAT too from their hotel, and they flip out even more. Muppet is losing her shit: “I feel like he is my husband, and now I’ve been cheated on. I can’t see that.” Cant see what? This chick makes NO SENSE when she talks. She leaves out entire words that are necessary, and then adds words that aren’t at all necessary. I think she attended the “Sarah Palin School of Speech and America.”


This is getting insane, how many people are on these dates. It’s laughable. This one includes “the twins” Haley and Emily, Amanda, Friendlys Dessert Jubilee, Caila, Lauren with a B. initial, stripper-name Amber, Lauren with an H initial, Jennifer, Rachel, and Muppet. When their names are read as being included on the date, their reactions range from weird to downright creepy. They are like children. Some give thumbs up (speaking of thumbs, whats up with Emily’s GIANT thumb in a cast thing?? Who gets a thumb injury on The Bachelor?) , some say “Yayy!!!” like little children, and some make faces that are just odd and not normal for humans.

Emily and Haley have started doing all their camera time together, which is annoying and totally obnoxious, and they appear together one behind the other, in some creepy high-school yearbook-looking pose. Emily holds up her giant thumb to give thumbs up, and says “Ben has a cute nose.” Her twin echoes. “Yeah. Really cute nose.” Wow, this is genius stuff, guys. Youre really bringing us into the complex mind of twins here. Anyway, the group date is held at Terry Fator Theatre (of “Americas Got Talent” winner / ventriloquist fame), and the girls are told they will have to perform talents in a Talent Show , as Terry’s opening act. Lauren with an H. initial, who turns EVERY SINGLE THING into a sexual innuendo, says for no reason: “I hope there’s no nipple tassels. That would not be good.” What??? Terry begins by asking the girls who has talent. Dead silence. Then the girls go through racks of clothing and props and are given time to come up with a talent of some kind. Jennifer observes: “Everyone is confused. I don’t think many people have talent here.” Gee, ya think? Everyone wonders what Muppet Face has planned, as she is walking around in a red boa and crazy showgirl hat, saying nothing about what her talent is. Then, as they wait backstage to go on, she starts to slowly have a breakdown of epic proportions, just saying and mumbling nonsense things at nobody: “I’m gonna do some shimmy-shimmy! I did shave this morning. Some of this, a little of that. Then shimmy, throw in some Olivia, like, yeah. Shimmy. Something like that.” Right. Where’s that straight-jacket?

Still backstage, she is quickly coming undone. “When I’m with Ben … Bam! Sha-bam!” The show begins. Bland Ben welcomes the crowd, then sits in audience to watch the trainwreck about to emerge. Haley and Emily do their creepy twin Riverdance thing (Irish dancing). Terry does silly commentary with his puppets from side of stage. Friendly’s Dessert plays the cello. There is juggling, hula-hoop, some sort of belly-dancing, a chicken costume song that is purely awful, and then, finally, Olivia is welcomed to the stage by Terry.

A giant cake is wheeled out to center stage, and after an awkward pause, she leaps out of it and then begins doing whatever the hell it is that she was doing. It wasnt dancing. It wasnt even walking, really. It was just … bizarre. It was like watching a person have an emotional, mental, and physical breakdown, all in the same moment. Music played, and she moved back and forth doing kicks and laughing weirdly. Ben is laughing from the audience, and the girls are all leering at her with their judgy-eyes. Backstage, after the show ends, everyone is celebrating with champagne, and Muppet takes off into a side dressing room with a couple of girls who follow her as she wails and has another breakdown. “I’m having a panic attack”, she says, but she isn’t. I have had panic attacks, and this is not what that is. Hers was more like “I just made a HUGE fool of myself and now I want to cry about it.” She sobs that Ben gave her “a pity hug” when she got offstage. She wails and cries, and nobody comforts her at all. Not for nothing, but these girls are TERRIBLE at comforting someone when they are sitting right in front of them sobbing like a loon. They all have the same reaction – just blank stares.


Now everyone from the group date goes outside that night and they all hang out together, so that they can find even MORE time to drink more. Caila takes Bland Man aside first. Before he can even sit down fully, she ATTACK-KISSES HIM like some kind of animal on the prowl. “I’m just gonna go for it”, she says, and throws her leg up and over his, and then tosses her tongue into his mouth. Jesus, woman. Very subtle. Bland Man tells cameras: “You get her alone and she is like a sex-panther! a tigress!” Ewww. Meanwhile, the girls gossip about Muppet. Emily: “Like, get over it. I can’t stand Olivia. I think Ben is realizing she isn’t the kind of girl he wants.” Um, not so fast. Ben realizes nothing. Lauren with an H. takes him aside and they sit in the theatre seats. Ben holds one of Terry’s puppets and makes it talk to Lauren, in one of the most awkward exchanges ever. She tells cameras, AGAIN making it all about sex: “Little Ben is much bigger than I ever expected.” Gross. How old are you, 14? So, Puppet Ben and Lauren kiss, and then Ben makes a stupid joke about how he stole her from him, so then Human Ben and Lauren kiss. It is gag-inducing, and someone should throw them all into a river.

Now it is Muppet’s time to take him aside, where she talks in more Sarah Palin-speak about Lord knows what. Here is their exchange:

Muppet: I need to drink heavily.

Ben: Why? Because of what happened onstage?

Muppet: That was awful. Like, what was I thinking? That’s just not me. It’s not. It’s so embarrassing, like that was me trying to be all sexy and failing and like being awkward instead. I’m sorry. I just … I don’t want you to think that was me. I’m sorry.

Ben: Dont be. It wasnt that bad. (he said this very unconvincingly)

They get interrupted. Muppet is furious. To camera: “I feel gut-punched. Like, it felt different with him. I’m scared, like, what happened.” Then she sits looking into the camera, with her fingers IN HER MOUTH, mouth wide open. Seriously. For like a good seven seconds. Then takes them out, then back in. Fingers. In the mouth. WTF.

Lauren with a B. initial gets private time, and they kiss right away. “I missed you so much . Its terrifying!” Everything is TERRIFYING to these morons. His response: “I don’t want it to be scary. Let’s let this be about this.” Wow. What a goddamn genius. Meanwhile, Muppet is still flipping out over nothing. “That’s the first time we talked and didn’t kiss. I 400% need to fix this.” Yes. 400%.

So, she does. Right in the middle of someone else’s time with him, once again she comes creeping out of the bushes to say : “Oops! Sorry! Can I steal you for a minute? Thanks! Tee hee!” This time, when she idles up to him, she is SNAPPING HER FINGERS and doing this weird dance-walk thing that is impossible to describe. As she snaps her fingers like she’s in a number from “West Side Story”, they have yet another brilliant conversation:

Her: Can we start over?

Him: From what?

Her: I just wanna … I wanna ski-dance. (snapping fingers)

Him: What is going on right now?

Her: I feel bad, our first conversation, like, that’s not me. (THEN WHO IS IT, SINCE ITS NEVER YOU!!!) I feel guilty. I just , I just ….

Him: Don’t apologize. Stand firm on that, okay? Small kiss.

Can someone tell me what the hell any of that meant? I don’t speak this language they are speaking.

At the end of the night, he gives the group date rose to Lauren B, who says: “I mean … YES!” Now Muppet is upset AGAIN, because she thinks she is the only person there, apparently. “We had this valuable time and then no rose. It hurts. It hurts my brain.” Yes, Muppet. For once, I know exactly how you feel.


A package arrives to the hotel for Becca. It’s a wedding dress, with a note saying “Get dressed. It’s a big day.” The other girls lose their shit as Becca comes out in her gown, and is then picked up in a Cadillac by an Elvis impersonator. He takes her to the famous Little White Chapel in Vegas. When she arrives, Ben is standing at the altar in his tux, wedding music is playing, and he gets down on one knee and asks: “I’ve been saving this date for you, Becca. Will you marry —— other people with me today?” Then he laughs like a doofus. Way to screw with the virgin’s emotions on your first date, buddy! Anyway, he tells her he has been ordained over the internet, and that the two of them will be marrying couples all day long together. She changes into a different, non-wedding white dress, and they conduct several weddings , with Ben reading word for word what to say from a book. How romantic. Later on, they go to “Neon Museum”, where old Vegas signs are refurbished and line a path. It’s actually quite cool. Ben wants to know of Becca: “Can she love? Can she feel?” Unless she’s a robot, I’m pretty sure she is capable of loving and feeling, dummy. He tells her: “It’s good to feel. Just, please feel.” Wow this guy should write for Hallmark. Then they discuss her virginity in another awkward convo brought to you by this lame show.

Him: So, um, has it been hard being a virgin?

Her: Yeah. When you’re in a relationship, and all you wanna do is …

Him: Jump their bones!!!! (Wow. Very classy, Ben. that’ll make her want to sleep with you.)

Her: Um, yeah. Be intimate.

Him: You stuck to that vow, so you’re really good at commitments, something I’m very attracted to.

Her: I really like you.

Then to make things even more childish than “I like you”, Ben reads silly pretend vows that he made up for her, and then she does the same. They make promises for this date. Then they kiss a lot. He gives her the rose.


Pimp Daddy Harrison comes in and tells the ladies that Ben has requested a two-on-one date with the twins. Haley is upstairs “napping” (because life is so stressful on this show) when he wakes her with this news. Ben wants to spend the day with them in their hometown of Vegas, and bring them to see their mommy, but really its just a convenient way to drop off the one you don’t want to keep around anymore at mommy’s place. When they get to the mom’s house, Haley shows Ben her bedroom, which is seriously one of the most disturbing bedrooms of an ADULT I have ever seen.There are dolls and stuffed animals and little gadget things all over the place, and little posters on the wall like something a 14-year-old girl would have in their room. She has to turn over framed pictures of her with her ex-boyfriend, about three different times.

“Oops. I dont know these are here!” Isnt it YOUR room, dummy? Maybe YOU put them there. Meanwhile, Emily and her freak thumb talk to mom about Ben. Then they switch and Emily has alone time with Ben, where they lay in her creepy childlike bed and talk. “I feel like our connection is stronger than you and Haley. Youre , like, the best guy ever. Sooo cute!” She says this in the way someone might talk to a puppy. Both sisters act like children. They are weird and do not act like normal adults. Ben says he knows what he wants to do, and he sits on the couch with both girls and their mom. He says: “I care for you. And you.” (soooo awkward) “Im gonna have to say goodbye to Haley. Im doing that here so youll have your mom’s support.” Freaky Thumb Emily and Ben leave Haley in the dust with her stuffed animals and toys, and they kiss in the backseat of the limo back to the Vegas hotel.


Jesus Christ, is this show over yet??? What did I tell you about how LONG this episode was? Why was it SO LONG??? Anyway, Jennifer steals Ben right away so that she beats Muppet to the punch. But it doesn’t work, because 3 minutes into their conversation, Muppet comes around the damn corner AGAIN with her creepy “Heyyy!!! Can we talk?? Sorry to interrupt. Ha!!!” The girls all call her a shark for taking Ben aside so many times. She brings him cake to eat and says “Maybe I can’t jump out of a cake, but my talent is eating cake.” Oh my god, let it go already. She tells him “I’m completely falling for you, and its the coolest feeling in the world. Olivia is here for you. I’m not going anywhere.” STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THIRD PERSON, YA CREEP!!!! It appears that Ben has no response, or at least, the show edits it so that we don’t SEE his response. They don’t show him returning her feelings, he just sits there looking empty and baffled, like usual. To camera: “I know he can’t say anything, but I heard his message loud and clear tonight.” THERES NO MESSAGE!!! There is NEVER a message! This crazy chick is convinced that every time Ben breathes, he is sending her some secret signal of love and commitment. No. Its just not happening. Then, Muppet tells JoJo that she told Ben she is falling for him. JoJo says “I would never tell him I’m falling in love unless I knew it was reciprocated.” Muppet pauses, then lies by saying: “Oh, it WAS reciprocated.” This was followed by a creepy smile and an open mouth. So now she is just making shit up.

Friendly’s Dessert Jubilee and Ben have private time, and they talk about her anxiety at rose ceremonies. “I just never think you’re going to pick me. I’m such a complicated person.” He says “Do you not understand that’s a really good thing to be though? You’re here because I like you and …” She hugs him and says thank you, genuinely.


The drama begins. He chooses Amanda, Lauren H, Friendlys Dessert, Emily, Caila, Jennifer, Leah, and then, at the very end for extra drama, Muppet. In the meantime, we are treated to Muppet commentary as he chooses each girl:

Muppet: All eyes are on me. He is mine. We’re happy. I’m ready to spread that to my man. (ewww) I read romance novels where it all works out. That would be GIGANTORE for me. (made-up Sarah Palin-like word) God, what is this, why am I always last all the time? I wonder. But then I’m like, Oh Benjamin, you’re sending me a message. (NO!!!! THERES NO MESSAGE!!!! STOP IT WITH THE MESSAGE!!!) Best for last, right?

More like, most bat-shit craziest, for last. Because it is dramatic.

Rachel, who is unemployed, gets sent home to continue being unemployed. She seriously had no purpose on the show and I have no comments about her because she made no impression at all. Stripper-name Amber is also sent home, and she really does not take it well. Takes off her shoes in a huff, then walks down the steps just feet away from where the others are still standing, and starts sobbing loudly and saying all the typical: “I feel so stupid. So much for putting your heart out there” stuff. Ben just listens to her cry and does nothing. Jeez, you’d think he would at LEAST pretend to give a shit, maybe walk the girl out or something. “Hey, thanks for playing! Take home a copy of the home game!” Nope. Nothing. What a guy. And that, my friends, is IT. Finally.

THIS WEEK: (Tonight, actually)

Ben burps, and Muppet takes it as a secret message that she is the one. Chris Harrison finds Rachel and Amber, and asks them if they’d like to come over to his Fantasy Suite and “experience my rose, two-on-one style.” Ben legally changes his name to “Bland Man.”

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