They’re BACCKKKK!! I know, I know…they JUST left! How are they back already? Don’t ask me; I don’t get it either. All I know is Dancing With the Stars comes back more often than Barbara Walters out of retirement. It is Season 23, and the delightfully witty Tom Bergeron is back to run this circus, along with his sidekick Erin Andrews. Also back are 3 of Americas’s favorite pro-dancers: Maksim Cherkovskey, Cheryl Burke, and Derek Hough. New on the show this year – straight from his “I was robbed but not really, I lied” Tour, Olympian Ryan Lochte. Apparently, when you commit a crime and then lie about it to the nation, what comes next? Jail time? Arrest? Nahhhhh…YOU GO ON DANCING WITH THE STARS, of course! But more on that later. Let’s get to the dancing.
MARILU / DEREK:
Some may know actress Marilu Henner from her days on the classic sitcom, Taxi. She is now 64-years-old, and really in very good shape. She moves well and their Jive was fun to watch; excellent for week one. Len said of the dance: “There was no messin’ about” – unlike his bladder control. Carrie Ann strung some words and high-pitched sounds together, in order to create something that was meant to be a sentence.
When the scores of 7/7/6/7 were revealed, Henner squeeled like a maniac, almost busting out Bergeron’s eardrums.
JAMES / SHARNA:
Indy car racer/driver James Hinchcliffe was badly injured in the 2015 fiery crash that happened on the Speedway. For him, it was a sobering experience, and left him wanting to do more fun and challenging things, such as randomly do the Foxtrot on national TV. His footwork and movements were very fluid and he seemed quite athletic. Len thought the dance was a “knockout.” Julianna said it was a “breath of fresh air.”
Scores were very high for week one at 8/8/7/8.
CALVIN / LINDSAY:
Also known as “Megatron” in the world of football, Calvin Johnson Jr. is an NFL legend who broke Jerry Rice’s record. They did a Cha-cha, and despite people on Twitter and social media joking about how badly he would suck on the show, he did pretty darn okay. Really nice foot work. Julianna thought he had the brightest smile she has ever seen, while Bruno came through with another one of his looney remarks, yelling: “BIG! You are big in every possible way! How you manage those big feet, I have no idea …” Hey now.
Scores were 7/6/6/7, and Bruno needed a cold shower.
MAUREEN / ARTEM:
“Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!!!” Most of us know Maureen McCormick from her days as Marcia Brady on The Brady Bunch. Now, she is 60 years old and her mere presence on the show makes me feel incredibly old. Let me just repeat that for those of you who missed it – MARCIA FREAKIN BRADY IS SIXTY YEARS OLD! If she’s 60, how old does that make Ann B. Davis (Alice) at this point? 112? Or is she dead? I hope Alice the maid isn’t dead. That would suck. Anyway, Marcia looks a lot more like Jan in her old age, and they did the Vienesse Waltz. In rehearsal footage, she kept crying because she was so grateful, and kept saying how amazing it is to be on the show. Bruno was funny with: “Relax, dahling … you’re here.” Carrie Ann meowed: “I love your vulnerability.” Len said the dance “needs refinement”, much like his old, crusty ball-sac.
Scores were 6/5/5/6.
BABYFACE / ALLISON:
Producer/musician Babyface joined the show in order to make his mom, who recently died, proud. He got emotional when talking about her, and his dancing was smooth and sleek. Carrie Ann said a bunch of strange words, and then attempted to sing for no reason. Len thought the dance had “plenty of razzle dazzle”, unlike his weak and awkward pee-stream.
Scores were 7/6/6/7, and Erin Andrews was beginning to feel pointless, as they were only having her do backstage interviews with “some” of the couples. Hmmmm … now you know how poor Brooke Burke Charvey felt, as they slowly kicked her to the curb.
AMBER / MAKS:
Listen, I’m glad you are back Maks, but what on God’s green earth is sitting on top of your head??? Is that your hair-style or did a poodle die and decide to make its final resting place on your scalp? Amber is a model and TV talk show host – apparently. (Never heard of her in my life.) She was also an exotic dancer – apparently. They did a Foxtrot, and it was highly seductive. Carrie Ann commented on Amber’s looks: “You are stunning to look at.” She should have retorted: “Well ya cant have me, ya horny lady!”
Scores were even at 6/6/6/6.
VANILLA ICE / WITNEY:
Since I listed everyone else with first names only so far, it seems weird to type “Vanilla Ice”, but even weirder to type “Vanilla” or “Ice.” Anyhoo, this rapper / singer took it back to the 90’s by doing the Cha cha to his own hit song “Ice Ice Baby.” There were backup dancers, a car onstage, and even his original outfit from the video. Bruno made a silly pun with “this was tonight’s ice breaker!” Julianna said the entire thing made her so happy. All the judges wondered where was the Cha-cha.
Judges scores were 7/5/6/7, and Len got booed rather hard for the 5.
JANA / GLEB:
Okay, so this chick is some country singer or something. Who cares? The man she is dancing with – who has the unfortunate name of “Gleb” (Really? That’s a name?) – is smoking and sizzling hot. OH MY! They did the V. Waltz, and she is pretty attractive herself, and it looked as if they were quite into each other. Either that, or they are both amazing actors, because the chemistry was definitely there in the dance. Did I mention how HOT he is? Yeah. Host Tom Bergeron had a classic line at the dance’s end with: “And we’ll pause briefly for the ladies to take cold showers. You too, Bruno.” Speaking of Bruno, he stood up and flailed his arms into Len’space while yelling: “Raunchiest, hottest dance I’ve ever seen!” Bergeron responded with: “Alright, just relax.” Len said he was not transported to Old Vienna. I think he needs to be transported back to the nursing home. Monday is spaghetti night.
Scores were 7/6/6/8.
JAKE / JENNA:
Okay, this was like watching two little children dance together. It was very cute. Pro-dancer Jenna is making her debut this season on the show, and Jake is a kid actor, I’m told. Never heard of him, because I’m not hip enough or young enough to know who the hell he is. But he looks like he’s eight years old. Their Jive was sweet and adorable. Bruno told him to “focus on the bottom as much as the top.” That’s what his guests said at his last sex party.
Scores were 5/6/6/5. Erin Andrews took a break and went to a bar in downtown L.A. Nobody noticed.
RICK / EMMA:
Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry could not be more of a dork or more boring. He is snooze-ville in a pair of slacks. They did the Cha-cha, and you could see his lips counting the entire time they danced. He was not good. He dances like a stick, or a piece of plywood with arms. Len called it “a bit pedestrian.” Ouch! Bruno basically told him that he had no timing whatsoever.
Scores were horrible at 5/5/5/5, and Perry yelled weirdly: “YES!!! I LOVE YOU, FIVE!!!” Bergeron’s classic reply: “Spoken like a true politician.” Erin Andrews went over to Brooke Burke Charvey’s house, to smoke a joint together and laugh at the dancers.
TERRA / SASHA:
Oh my God! She is a little person! It’s the first ever Little Person on the show, ever!!! A little person is on the show this season!!! Seriously, every person in the cast at one point in this episode uttered the phrase “little person” – they said it so many times, I was going to create a drinking game for every time someone mentioned that she is a little person. Sasha said: “I’ve never met a little person in my life!” That’s great, because she has never met a real life Elf (Sasha looks like a Christmas Elf.) Well, she might be little, but she has some giant breasts going on. Their dance was pretty damn good. Carrie Ann said: “I didn’t see a little person. I saw a huge star!”
Scores were 7/6/6/6, and Erin Andrews returned just in time from Brooke’s house.
RYAN / CHERYL:
So, Lochte is of course, the six-time Olympic Gold Medalist swimmer. He is also a person who got in a lot of trouble over in Rio, because he got drunk, peed on a gas station wall, broke and damaged some stuff, then made up a story that he and his team were robbed at gunpoint to save his ass. Then, as if that isn’t douchey enough, he left his team over there to take the fall while he went back home. Classy. Yes, everyone makes mistakes and blah blah blah, but why on earth is this guy being given a platform on a show like this? I don’t think it’s right.
And apparently, I’m not the only one, since protesters interrupted the judges comments by running onto the dance floor, which DWTS did not show. There were 2 men who rushed the stage, wearing anti-Ryan shirts. Security took care of them very quickly, but the footage shown later on news sites and such happened very quickly and out of nowhere. The show’s live broadcast did not show what happened. Instead, the camera panned over to Carrie Ann, who was speaking and giving her comments when the chaos erupted. After a few minutes of obvious shuffling around, Bergeron took it to a commercial. When they came back, they apologized for the “incident”, and asked Ryan and Cheryl if they were okay. Anyway, not that anyone noticed, but their dance was pretty good.
Scores were 6/6/6/6.
LAURIE / VAL:
Now, here’s the Olympic Gold Gymnast who DOES deserve to be on this show, AND she is really good. She might win this thing. She has charisma, athleticism, and beautiful moves. Mak’s brother Val had the same stupid poodle hair that Maks had, so maybe they were part of an unfortunate bet or something somewhere. The dance was wonderful, and Len found it to be “sharp, crisp, and clean.” Unlike his wrinkly old-man balls.
I will leave you with that image to lull yourselves to sleep, and scores were 8/8/7/8.
The first elimination.
Rick Perry falls asleep in the middle of his own Pasa Doble, because he is so boring.
Marcia Brady’s Dance partner, Artem, doesn’t show up for rehearsals. His excuse? “Something suddenly came up.”