Not that it’s surprising in any way, but this show has finally sunk to a new low. Normally, I enjoy a good, old-fashioned, fun, harmless mocking of this silly-ass show in my weekly reviews, because, well – it’s a silly concept and a silly show that hardly anyone takes seriously. (If you watch this show and you actually take it seriously and don’t realize how ridiculous it is, you may be what is wrong with humanity. Sorry.) However, this week’s episode took a turn for the tacky when a contestant who is a widow, displayed extremely questionable behavior, making actual widowed people who are NOT on television 18 months after their husband’s death competing for a new husband, look bad. And yes, I have good reason to say this, because I happen to be a widow too. My husband Don actually died in much the same way as Kelsey’s, the contestant on the show. He had a massive heart-attack while at work, at only 46 years old. The way that I talk about my husband’s death, and “that day”, is quite different than the tackiness and lack of respect I witnessed in last night’s episode, and that’s only the tip of the iceberg. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with this chick, but something is up for sure. But more on that later. First, let’s begin at the very beginning ….
This week finds us in Santa Fe, New Mexico, which is, of course, “the perfect place to fall in love.” At this point, I can lip-sync right along with whomever the bachelor/bachelorette happens to be whenever they say that predictable and obvious line, every single time they go somewhere new. Wherever you are on this show, THAT is the perfect place to fall in love. Gag! Douche-bag Host Chris goes to Horny Mansion to tell the 11 remaining girls that they are getting on a plane to meet Farmer Dull in New Mexico. Shit for Brains Meghan had this response to camera: “The sombrero and hats they all wear in Mexico … I dunno if they wear them in New Mexico. I’ve never been out of the country.” Someone please hit this girl over the head with a 2 by 4. Maybe it’ll make her smarter. Host Chris tells the girls there will be 2 one-on-one dates this week, and only 1 group orgy – I mean, date. He drops off the Date Card, which is for Carly, and says “Let’s Come Together.” Ewwww.
Carly and Corn Husk Boy pull up to a house in the middle of nowhere, and go into the backyard, where they find a strange hippy-type woman, meditating. She is a “love and intimacy guru”, and she is there to teach them about being intimate with one another. What followed next was a series of really uncomfortable and awkward exchanges and events, one after another. The woman burned sage, then instructed the two to breathe in each other. “Clear your mind of thoughts”, she said. Hello? I think this man’s mind is set to “automatically clear.” No thoughts going on in there. Guru tells Carly to blindfold Iowa Boy, and then touch him all over his body, without speaking. Clearly, this is making Carly extremely uncomfortable, and she tells the camera that she is bad with intimacy. Then she rubs chocolate all over Chris’s lips and face, using a strawberry as lipstick. Nothing about any of this is sexy, and watching them makes me want to vomit or throw myself in the nearest lake. Guru then tells them to “de-robe” one another, and when Carly reaches for Chris’s boxers, she has had it. She whispers to Chris “I’m really uncomfortable. ” He responds “So am I.” Well why didn’t you say something then, you dolt? Arent you supposed to be making these women feel safe and comfy and shit? Yeah, well, you failed. When they both say they are uncomfortable, Guru tries to spin that into more hippy-dippy crap. “Let’s go with that feeling, then”, she says. She tells Carly to get into Chris’s lap, and just breathe him in. This chick really likes to hear people breathing loudly. At this point, they are both pretty much dry-humping one another and breathing like a couple of lunatics. When she finally gives them permission to kiss, they get very intimate and almost eat each other’s faces off.
Later, the two shared a romantic dinner, and that damn Guru finally left. I was sort of hoping they would be stuck with her throughout dinner too, saying things like “Feel the glass of water in your hands. Feel the wetness. Now close your eyes and moan at the smell of that steak. Lick it, but don’t bite it! Now run away while screaming ‘I WANT MY MOMMY!’ There now. Don’t you feel empowered?” Carly shares with Gravel-Brain that her last boyfriend never wanted to touch her, and it didn’t make her feel like a woman. Actually, when Carly told this story, she used the word “like” 29 times. I counted. I watch this crap on my DVR so I can stop it and take notes on these things, and she said it 29 times. I won’t print her entire speech here, but it was ridiculous. Here’s a snippet: “He didn’t, like, ever, like, want to touch me or, like, be intimate with me and it really made me feel like I wasn’t, like , feminine or beautiful or, like, sexy. So, like, thank you for making me, feel , like, worthy today, because like, its been so long since I’ve, like, had that.” Jesus, woman. You are a grown adult. Learn how to speak. Shovel-Brain says nothing and has zero reaction during Carly’s 5-hour long speech. He just stares into her face looking confused, like always. I believe he was thinking: “I like cereal.” Something deep like that was going on inside that mashed-potato brain of his. Carly then tells the camera how Chris “makes me feel so beautiful!” Really? How? He DOES NOTHING!!! Farmer tells camera “She has everything inside that I want in a woman.” I keep expecting him to start naming all of the female body parts out loud. “She has boobies, she has a hoo-ha. She has pretty legs.” Could this dude be any more simplistic and basic? Carly gets the rose and the night ends beautifully.
Meanwhile, at Bitch-fest Castle – creepy widow Kelsey is telling a few of the girls about her story. Her husband, whose name is ……… wait for it ……. Sanderson Poe …….. was outside walking to work one day “because it was the most beautiful of days in Georgia, so he walked that day”, when he collapsed. “It was his heart. It just stopped. They don’t really know why. It’s called … hmmm … what’s it called again? Oh yeah .. congestive heart failure. ” When telling her story to the girls, her tone and behavior was extremely odd. It was as if she was reciting a very well-rehearsed speech about the day he died. There was no emotion, and she was very casual and nonchalant about the whole thing. Virgin-Whore Ashley wasn’t buying it for a second. “It’s SOOO sad but I think it’s weird she waited 5 weeks to talk about it and to want to tell Chris her story.” At this point, if these people say the word STORY one more time, I might scream. Anyway, Kelsey is all pissed off and scheming up some way to talk to Chris about her widow story, since she didn’t get the one-on-one with him and will need to find a way to get some alone time with him.
GROUP ORGY (Date) RIO GRANDE:
On this date was Jade, No-Brain Meghan, Kaitlyn, Minnie-Mouse Voice Whitney, Weird MacKenzie, Becca, Samantha (week 4 and STILL no clue who she is), Kardashian-wanna-be-Virgin-Whore Ashley, and Widow Kelsey. The date is at the Rio Grande River, and they are going white-water rafting. Kelsey tells cameras “I’m a flurry of emotions, just trying to process through it all.” Every single thing she says about her “story” is so fake – it’s like what she thinks she is supposed to say as a widowed person, that is what she says. It’s robotic and weird as hell and not authentic. The date begins and everyone is split into two rafts. Jade innocently falls overboard, and is helped back into the raft. Later, Chris is tending to her cold feet and legs, because she has a condition that causes hypothermia. She isn’t being over-dramatic about it – she is simply letting herself dry off and recover, yet Bitchfest 2015 has a problem with it. MacKenzie tells camera “I would have fallen in too if I had that disorder.” Kelsey mocks Jade in camera, saying “I should have dove in there. ‘Oh my oh my! I’m so cold!'” Jesus, ladies. She legitimately fell in the damn water. Give the poor girl a break. Not everything is a conspiracy.
After the rafting, everyone heads into some lodge type area to hang out and probably drink themselves silly, since that’s pretty much all these people do is drink and fight with each other. Chris is nowhere to be found, and the girls are impatiently waiting on him. Meanwhile, a contestant named Jordan, who was sent home in week 2, shows up out of nowhere begging Chris for another chance. This girl was drunk the whole time she was on the show. Just a big ole drunk, running around the house doing drunk things. Pillow-Brain Chris listens as she begs for another chance, and then he walks back in the room hand in hand with her. The girls are NOT happy, and they begin to tell him that one by one, using their alone time to whine and bitch about Jordan’s return. Ashley Virgin-Whore is especially pissed, because this girl is always pissed about something. “I’m so pissed”, she says in her marble-mouthed tone, sounding like she swallowed a toad. “she’s not even good marriage material, and, like, I am. ” She then goes at it with Whitney because Whitney isn’t angry enough at the situation. “You don’t have to be, like, all smiley with her, like, oh yay she’s back!” Whitney tells the camera that she doesn’t think Chris would want a “mean wife” like Ashley. Finally, after all the girls individually yell at him, dumb-ass decides to send Jordan home. Again. DUH! He tells her that he needs to “be a man and make the right decision as a man.” When Jordan comes back into the room to tell the girls she is leaving, the same girls that just spent a half hour bitching about her, all line up one by one to give her fake hugs and well-wishes. Kelsey is the absolute worst, saying in the fakest voice EVER: “I will always admire you.” Huh???? Really? THAT’S your hero in life? A sloppy drunk contestant from a half-baked reality show? Okay then. Chris comes back into the room and notes that you can cut the tension with a knife. You can also cut through his brain mass with a plastic knife. Everyone is crying for literally no reason. Chris gives Meghan a hug because she is in tears. Whitney gets the group date rose. Ashley gets up and whines “It’s not FAIRRR!!! Why did SHE get the rose??? Like, she didn’t deserve it. It’s really messed up!” Everyone goes back home to sleep. HOLY CRAP IS THIS SHOW OVER YET???? WHAT?? ONLY HALF WAY THROUGH??? Someone please split my head open and give me amnesia so I no longer remember watching this drivel. Thank you.
So, Britt gets the second one-on-one date, and word around Bitch-Castle is that she is a huge gross slob who never takes a shower or washes her hair. Carly tells her she will need to wash her hair and shower for this date, and Britt just laughs and says nothing. Carly tells the camera that Britt also doesn’t wash her face at night, but instead, puts on a new coat of makeup right before bed “just in case.” Just in case what? An agent from a modeling agency appears in your bedroom, demanding to see your freshly made-up face? Anyway, Britt is terrified because the Date Card reads “sky is the limit” , and Britt is deathly afraid of heights. Farmer Blah shows up in the middle of the night like a creeper, and literally wakes Britt up by putting his giant face RIGHT NEXT TO her face. She is startled, but her makeup is in place. Dummy Chris doesn’t seem to think its ODD that she is wearing full makeup while in bed. He just tells the camera that she looks just as beautiful in the middle of the night as she does at the rose ceremony. What a moron. They kiss each other a few times while she is in bed, and all I can think about is how her breath and hair must stink like a dog with all those non-showers.
Farmer Dud and Garbage Breath go up inside a hot air balloon over sunrise, soaring into the sky. She is beyond excited about this, because it means she doesn’t have to jump out of a plane or something. Crumb-cake brain tells camera “floating in the air, holding Britt in my arms, I’m on cloud 9.” They end the date by going to his hotel room and shacking up. Well, they lay in bed and make out, and then Chris closes the door to cameras. Britt is happy that her date began and ended in bed.
Back at The House of Wine and Whine, the girls are still talking about Britt’s cleanliness. Kardashian Ashley gossips that Britt told her she “enjoys being single, and doesn’t want any kids.” All the girls gasp in horror. Cut back to Chris’ hotel suite, where he is asking her about kids and how many she wants. Her answer? “Like, 100.” Way to be convincing. When she returns to the house, she tells all the girls about her date, saying it ended with them “taking a nap in his room. ” This causes everyone to give her the evil eye, and Kelsey starts cooking up a plan. “Britt’s date with Chris diminishes my relationship with him. ” She says “I know what I have to do. I have to tell him my story.” This is what we, in the widowed community, refer to as “playing the widow card.” That’s when you use the fact that you are a widow to gain sympathy or to make others feel guilty. Most of us joke around about doing this, but actually doing it is very tacky. Kelsey knocks on his door, and he lets her in. She sits down with him, and starts her story. “I’m stealing this time to share this with you. I was married. HIs name was Sanderson Poe. (I’m sorry. That’s just funny every time.) He collapsed and died while walking to work one day on a beautiful day. I am proud of who I am and what I’ve been through. Life is precious.” He hugs her after her speech, which, this time, produced tears for effect. Then, this is where it gets REALLY off-putting. She says to camera, with sort of a snarky smile: “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s so …. tragic! But it’s amazing! I love my story!” On behalf of widowed people everywhere, can I just say WHAT THE F**KIN F**K IS THAT NOISE??? I’m sorry, but widowed people don’t SAY that. You LOVE your “story?” You love it? Really? You love that your husband is dead? And it’s not a story, it’s your life. And who calls their own self and their own story “amazing?” There is something very wrong with this woman. She then continues: “This may be a show about Chris, but it’s also my story too. And hell yes, I’m getting a rose tonight. Stay tuned. Monday nights at 8.” She literally said that, all happy-like. Talk about offensive to widowed people who actually are hurting and genuine. The way she is using her widowhood to gain in this “competition” is sickening, and the fact that the show and the producers put her on the show in the first place for ratings, is just as sickening. And let’s not act like they didn’t know she was kind of nuts or out there. They knew. They knew exactly what they were getting, and they are loving every second of this.
Which brings us to the cocktail party. Except there isn’t one. All the girls are talking in the mansion as they wait for Chris, saying how each of them needs “time” with Chris. Everyone is very nervous that they might be going home. Kelsey is not nervous because she played her widow card. She tells the others smugly “I’m feeling very comfortable.” Whitney is suspicious of Kelsey’s intentions and tells the camera “something’s not adding up about her.” Farmer Zilch comes in and tells the girls how emotional this week has been for him, and then he says “Kelsey and I just had a really good talk, and it made me think a lot about some things.” Kelsey looks like her balloon has just been popped now that all the girls know she had private time with Chris. Chris stops mid-sentence, and says “I’m sorry. I need a minute …” He leaves. Pointless Host Chris and Pointless Farmer Chris talk outside. Host Chris gives some of his stellar advice: “Go do your thing, man.” Wow. Thanks, Oprah.
Meanwhile, Kelsey is giving the girls a creepy as hell sermon on life. Once again, she sounds as if she is reciting something she heard in a grief counseling book somewhere. Nothing is authentic. Her words are beyond fake. “Every day is a gift, girls. Our time is precious. I know that. ” Host Chris comes back and tells the girls that Yogurt Brain knows what he wants to do, so there’s no cocktail party. Ashley Virgin-Whore gets up and over-dramatically cries and whines, yet again, as she wipes her fake eyelashes and walks down the hallway. This was my favorite quote of the night. “Like, her story is so much more traumatic than my story. It’s SO UNFAIR!!!” Yes. It’s unfair that you don’t have a dead husband too. What the hell is wrong with these people??? Now Kelsey flips out for no reason, saying “I don’t want to go to the rose ceremony. It’s scary.” She gets up and leaves, and suddenly, seconds later, she is on the hallway floor with medics around her. “I’m having a panic attack”, she cries. “I can’t breathe.” Only she CAN breathe, and the “panic attack” is more phony than Pamela Anderson’s boob-job, or Kenny Rogers new face. Kelsey is playing the Widow Card again, as the text on the screen reads TO BE CONTINUED ………..