So, I finally figured out who bachelor Chris Soule reminds me of. He reminds me of, if Matthew McConaughey and Matthew McConaughey somehow mated and had their own baby – which is insane, so it would certainly result in that baby losing a few thousand brain cells upon birth, which explains why Farmer Boy Chris always has a confused expression on his face, and why he has the intelligence of corn-husk.
When we last left last weeks episode of “The Bachelor”, which was also the Season Premiere, a woman named Kimberly, who did not receive a rose to stay at Crazytown Mansion, pulled Farmer Chris aside and asked to speak with him privately. Here is what transpired during that moment, and in the rest of this weeks episode …
Kimberly and Farmer Dull stand outside and Kim pleads her case, which is basically “I feel like I want another chance. I feel like I’m meant to be here and I need to get to know you more.” Farmer Dull stands there saying nothing, and then runs off to Douchebag-Host Chris Harrison for the second time in two episodes, asking him again “What should I do? I don’t know what to do?” Host Chris tells Farmer Chris the same useless crap advice he told him last week, which is “It’s up to you, man.” Wow. That’s deep. It’s a good thing he has you on his side when things get rough, and apparently, he will be asking for that steadfast advice often since he can’t seem to handle making even the simplest of decisions on his own. In the end, he tells Host Chris “I’m gonna keep her”, like she is a rescue puppy he saved from harm’s way. So meanwhile, the chosen women are all sitting ON THE FLOOR inside Crazytown Mansion, holding their roses and a glass of alcohol, pouting and bitching about the possible return of Kimberly. Then, in true phony-female-psycho form, the second Chris walks in with her and announces that she will be staying, they practically line up to say “Congrats! That’s so great! Wow!” Gag.
It is suddenly the next morning, and the women find out that Farmer Boy will be residing in his own Man-Pad, just across the path from their own Adult Sorority Mansion. We then get treated to several shots of Chris soaping himself up in his outdoor shower, followed by another soul-searching meetup with Host Harrison. “So do you even remember anything that happened last night?”, Host Chris asks Dull Chris. Dullard responds: “It’s like, I dunno. Like, so bizarre. I mean , like, wow!” Host Chris then goes inside to speak to the women-folk, leaving Dimwit Chris looking confused by a flower.
GROUP ORGY (I mean – date) NUMBER ONE:
The first date-card is for a group date, involving 6 women and Chris. The 6 women are Tandra (Really? That’s a name?) MackKenzie, Ashley I. (another last name abbreviation), Jade, Kimberly, and Tara; which is different than Tandra, allegedly. Their super weird date begins with Chris promptly removing his own shirt in true McConaughey style, and yelling “Pool party!” The girls follow suit (Get it? Suit? Bathing suit?) and get into their skimpy bikinis and such. Everyone giggles for no reason while playing volleyball in the pool. Meanwhile, back at Hormone Mansion, Megan and Jillian decide to sneak on over to Chris’s Man-Cave house next door, to see what man-things he has going on in there. They find his motorcycle, and Megan tries on his helmet. In order to make sure his helmet is really safe, she test-drives it, ramming her head into the refrigerator, the wall, and other things. Why even bother with the rest of the show? I think this woman is clearly the mental match for our Bachelor.
Back at the group orgy, a tractor-race is about to start, because why not. Farmer Boy tells the camera: “These girls are lookin hot on these tractors. Luckiest dude with two thumbs? Right here.” He then points to himself with his two thumbs, which is exactly two more than the number of brain cells he has. Ashley with an I. abbreviation wins the pointless race, and the two get some one-on-one time together to talk. Later on, Farmer tells the girls that he would really like to end this date with just one woman instead of six, and decides to keep MacKenzie and send the others away. He takes off with M. and leaves them all sitting there like losers, and eventually they get into their sad-loser limo and return to Horny Mansion. A few of them are crying way too hard over this, and Tara exclaims “It hurts. It just hurts.”
Speaking of REAL hurt, we then meet the second featured widow on this year’s show. Her name is Juelia, and she has a very young daughter. The other women in the house are asking her about her daughter’s father, and she starts telling them the story about her husband, who died by suicide. The women all listened and called her “brave” and said all those things that people say to you when you have a dead husband ( I know – because mine died too), and I give them exactly 3 episodes to start their catty behavior and show their REAL feelings on the situation. So far, the two widowed women seem to be two of the more “normal” or “less insane” people on the show, but that’s really not saying much, and time will tell.
Meanwhile, MacKenzie and Rocks for Brains go sit at a bar and talk. Bad idea. She starts out by asking him if he ever had his ear pierced, to which he replies yes. She then tells him that “I’m like, super, like, observant, to, like, weird stuff.” He stares into the ceiling. She then talks some more and tells him that she likes a big nose on a guy, and that HE has a nice big nose, but not in a bad way or anything. Again, he looks off into the distance. She then asks him “Do you believe in aliens?”, to which he mumbles “Um, I don’t really know.” Would you like to phone a friend? Perhaps Chris Harrison? Really? You DON’T KNOW if you believe in aliens? Do you know anything at all? What is your name? I’ll go get Chris to answer that for you. Later in the conversation, she reveals to Dimwit that she has a son, something that she was absolutely terrified to tell him. She tells the camera “I hope he doesn’t think I’m a psychopath.” Well, you ARE a psychopath, and probably also an Alien. But not because you have a son. You’re just a whack-job nutcase, like 90% of the other women in that house. The other 10% are just drunks. Somehow, even after talk of aliens and big noses, Chris gives the rose to MacKenzie at the end of the night. She then goes back to Jealousy Mansion and proceeds to tell all the other girls about how many times he kissed her. “He just kept kissing me. Like, 5 or 6 times or so. Tee hee!” The other girls force plastic smiles and start sharpening their knives.
DUMB AND DUMBER GO ON ONE-ON-ONE DATE:
The second date-card is dropped off at the House of Alcohol-Poisoning, and Megan is listed as receiving the first one-on-one date. She is given the card and begins to scream with pleasure, then asks: “So, is this like, a love note? What is it? What does it mean?” It means you are an idiot. It also means you are going on the first date with the other idiot, Chris. He picks her up and they take off in one airplane, and fly to a helicopter. The helicopter takes them over Hoover Dam, and then over and into the Grand Canyon. They land inside the canyons, and sit down for a dumb-people picnic. Chris tells Megan: “You have the most beautiful blue eyes in the North America.” What??? She then tells him how her father died right before she decided to come on the show. He literally says nothing in return, except “I’m glad you’re here”, and then they kiss a lot and she says “this is amazing.” He gives her the rose, and more kissing happens.
Meanwhile, back at Drunk Mansion, the girls are all laughing at Jordan, who is apparently drunk all the time around the house. This is used as comedy on this show, a program which loves to exploit over-drinking, and crazy people. Jordan does some sort of weird head-stand thing against the wall and then shakes her ass in the air upside down. She then informs the camera for no apparent reason, that “Jillian has the hairiest ass I’ve ever seen on a woman.” Ummm, first of all, GROSS! Second of all, why on earth do you know this? Do you study hairy female asses often? How many have you seen? Yuck. I don’t think I can type about this anymore. It is too disturbing.
GROUP ORGY (I mean – date) NUMBER TWO:
This second group date is much larger than the first one. The women on this date include Kelsey, Trina, Allison, Tracy, Hairy Ass Jillian, Amber, Becca, Julia, Kaitlyn, Britt, and Crazy Onion Girl Ashley S. But let’s be honest – this entire date is about the producers showing us how truly insane Onion Girl really is. That seems to be the goal here, and believe me , it is achieved. The date-card says “til death do us part”, which is creepy, and the women are driven in a big limo to a building in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night. When it stops, monsters and zombies begin attacking and peering their faces into the windows of the limo, and all the girls scream bloody murder. Then one last face appears, opening the door and climbing into the limo. It is Farmer Boy, and everyone has a good giggle-fest as they follow Chris out of the car. He then tells them they will break into teams of 3 and play paintball, and together, they must kill all of the zombies to end the game. Everyone grabs a paintball gun and begins the silly game. Nut-bag Ashley is way too into it, and starts talking about “killing” other people on her own team. They all explain to her like she is a child, that it’s a game and you only kill zombies, not each other. At one point, Onion Ashley takes her gun and runs into the pack of zombies, standing there like a lunatic. At another point, she kills a zombie dead and then pumps 4 or 5 more paintballs into him just to be sure. Chris observes to the camera that Ashley is “in a different world.” Meanwhile, the other girls egg her on and ask her a bunch of questions to provoke her insanity even more. “Where’d you wander off to, Ashley?” “The truth. Went to get the truth”, she responds. “That’s just how I feel. Like, BOOM! ” “What is boom?”, says one of the girls. “Boom!” Go. Like, go. Go find your own way to the truth.” Perhaps you should find your way to the looney bin.
Chris and Crazytown go for a walk in the pitch dark, because why not. He asks her: “How you holdin’ up? How are you doing?” She says “I don’t even know what you are asking me.” He asks again, and tells her it seems like she has a lot on her mind. She then asks him the poignant and important question of: “Where are we right now? Are we in a dome?” Eggshell for brains Chris then tells the camera: “Ashley is unique. I definitely need more time to figure out what’s going on with Ashley.” Really? More time? Figure out??? What’s there to figure out, you genius? SHE’S NUTS!!! That is what’s “going on” with Ashley. But, of course, as this show loves to do, they will keep her on awhile longer to further exploit her obviously medicated state, and they will “suggest” to Chris that perhaps he needs more time to feel the connection between him and Onion Girl.
During his short one-one-one time with Kaitlyn and then Britt, Chris kisses both of them, but gives Kaitlyn the rose at the end of the evening. Britt sheds tears because she doesn’t like sharing her “boyfriend” with all these other women. Not for nothing, but what the hell did you think you were coming on this show for, dummy? That is the entire premise of the show – that you compete for the heart of this dimwit, alongside about 25 other dimwits. Sharing. That’s what it’s all about.
Annoying-voice Whitney takes Chris aside first, and has a toast with his favorite whiskey to the two of them and their future. Meanwhile, Ashley with an I. initial, tells a couple of the girls that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend before. MacKenzie responds by weirdly saying: “I am sooo jealous! I can’t even use that on him because I have a kid! Guys love to take a woman’s virginity! You are so lucky!” Oddest response ever, weirdo. Ashley then pulls Chris aside and tells him to make 3 wishes on her belly-button. Yup. You heard me. His first wish is that he wants to kiss her. She tells him that in order for the wish to come true, he has to rub her belly. He does, and then they make out in the most DISGUSTING display of open-mouthed, wet, nasty, horrifying icky-ness you could ever imagine. The girls all stare from behind the bushes at their puke-inducing kisses, and Britt cries again. Then Amber has some private time with Farmer Dull, and guess what? She wants to kiss him too. She says “I wanna kiss you so hard!”, and they kiss. Meanwhile, Jordan is drinking again, and Trina is expressing fake-“concern” for her by saying to camera: “Bless her heart! She is hilarious, but I think she’s had one too many drinks.” Yes, bless her heart (which everyone knows is Southern-speak for “F**k that bitch!” ) Jordan interrupts another girl so she can get some quality drunk time with Chris. He has no reaction to her obvious drunken state, other than to mumble a slight laugh. She tells him that her plan was to come over and “go in for the kill” (i.e. kissing him), and he looks at her , confused. She says “Anyway”, and he says “Anyhoo”, and there is silence. She then says “Well now it’s kind of awkward, so …….” and gets up and leaves. That went well.
Farmer Boy makes a moving speech about how there will be ups and downs in this process, but he is willing to put up with them to find his wife, and , zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ……… oh wait, WHAT? What happened? I’m sorry. He is so dull, I fell asleep for a second there. During the rose ceremony, Jillian or Julia or somebody with a name that starts with J, took a dive on the carpet when coming up to receive her rose THAT WASN’T EVEN HERS!!! She mis-heard the name as her own, then almost fell face-first when her heel caught on the carpet. Probably my favorite moment of this nonsense 2-hours. She did a nervous laugh to show that she was not at all humiliated, and then seconds later, he DID call her name anyway to receive a rose. He also chose Batshit Crazy Ashley, which proves that the producers just want to keep her on the show for entertainment purposes. Either that, or he is TRULY stupid enough to not be fully aware of the degree to her insanity, which is certainly possible, given the fact that he has the depth of a can of spaghettio’s.
Kimberly was sent packing for a second time, and she seemed pretty upset by the whole thing. “This will haunt me for the rest of my life”, she said, sobbing and snorting. Really? Come on now. You knew the guy for a few damn days. Let’s chill the hell out, shall we? Also going home were Tara (not to be confused with Tandra), Alison, and Drunk Jordan. Drunk Jordan should also not be confused with Drunk Tara, who was drunk throughout episode one, whereas Jordan was drunk throughout episode two. So, to sum up – Chris likes drunk women named Tara, but not named Jordan, and he loves people named Ashley who create metaphors with onions and go BOOM!
Someone sobs uncontrollably. Someone drinks too much. People receive roses. Someone gets jealous. People fight. Chris appears shirtless. Host Chris offers stellar advice to our bachelor. Someone is an escapee from a mental ward. Boom.