Not even five minutes into episode one of season 4,578 of The Bachelor, and we are already given this gem of a quote from our simpleton, all-American, not the sharpest stack of hay in the haystack, farmer-boy bachelor-meat of the year: “Love is kind of like farming. You plant a seed. Then you hope it grows. Sometimes things get in the way, sometimes the weather isn’t on your side, but in the end, you hope to grow something good.” Yeah. Love is exactly like that. But these are the kinds of brilliant metaphors we have come to expect on this fine program, as well as the repeated use of the words and phrases “amazing,” “awesome”, “right reasons”, (as in, “so and so isn’t here for the right reasons”), and “Guatemala is the perfect place to fall in love!” With that last one, the rule is to substitute the first word with whatever location you happen to be in at that very moment, which then becomes the “perfect” place to fall in love. So, as luck would have it, episode one takes place in Los Angeles, which is, of course, the perfect place to fall in love.
We begin our Bachelor “journey” (another word these people love, EVERYTHING is a journey on this show) with douchebag host Chris Harrison acting douchier than ever, because this time he is on a red carpet for a live “premiere” of the first episode. Instead of just showing the first episode, the producers have set it up as a live event, in which fans of the show and past “stars” from the show are in attendance, and all dressed up Hollywood-style. It’s like the Oscars, except not at all. Harrison starts the exploiting right away with his announcement to America that THIS season will be the most emotional and dramatic ever, with “a virgin who goes into the fantasy suite, someone who gets a bit too drunk too early, TWO widows, and a partridge in a pear tree.” Okay, he didn’t say that last one, but he was sooooo proud that they could not only exploit the emotions of not ONE but TWO widows this time around. Being a widow myself, this should be extra fun viewing for me. Yippee!!!
During the red carpet interviews, Harrison talks to one past-Bachelor couple, asking them when their wedding date will be. The woman (I have no idea what her name is, because I do not know who half these people are and don’t really care, other than that it’s fun to mock them) says: “Well, right now we are trying to decide on a wedding date. We are about 80/40 on the date right now, Chris.” Wow. nice math skills there, lady. Chris also spent way too much time grilling Nikki about her relationship and break-up with former-Bachelor Juan Pablo, and she revealed absolutely nothing, except to say that, at the time, she wanted to “stand by my man.” I kept expecting to hear the song start playing behind her, because she said it so many times. You could tell that Harrison was getting annoyed that Nikki didn’t call Juan Pablo an asshole or something on live television, because clearly this was what he was looking for with his CSI-style interview tactics on this poor woman. Finally, the fans and the “stars”all went inside to watch the first episode, along with people of America. Here are the highlights of what happened:
We meet Chris Soules, a wealthy businessman/farmer from Iowa, who we actually met on last season’s The Bachelorette, when he was rejected by Deanna. And thus, a new bachelor was born. Chris tells the cameras that he simply can’t believe he was chosen, and how this just doesn’t happen to “normal guys like me.” Right. Normal guys who live on a farm in Iowa but seek a wife on national television on a “reality show” of sorts. Anyway, farmer Chris comes off like he has been severely drugged, or like he is surviving on corn husks and cold medication. This dude mumbles like crazy, and the way he talks , it sounds like each word is a huge chore for him. Like his tongue is too lazy to move. This should be fun. Farmer Chris and host Chris stand outside the Bachelor mansion, awaiting the women that will be walking out of limousines to introduce themselves to Chris, and then head inside for the first cocktail party of the season.
Chris is nervous and keeps sighing and saying out loud “this is crazy”, as the different girls come at him, one by one. WHITNEY is a fertility nurse, and has the most annoying voice on planet earth. Seriously, there is no way in hell i can listen to this chick speak for thee whole season, so hopefully he sends her packing soon. MACKENZIE wants someone who is “like a man”, so she seems very happy with Chris, who is not only “like a man”, but IS, in fact, a man. KELSEY is 28 and a guidance counselor. She became a widow when her husband died suddenly of what sounds like a heart-attack. “He was walking to work one morning, and his heart just stopped”, she said to camera through tears. She came on the show because she believes that soulmates do exist, and that we each get more than one. I will admit , her story made me a bit emotional, because my husband also died from a heart-attack, and like Kelsey, we also didn’t get to start our family before he died. So far, she seems like one of the more “down to earth” women in this season, but time will tell.
More women come out of the limousines to greet Farmerboy. BRITT is a waitress who hugs Chris way too long and starts crying while doing so. I found it slightly creepy, but he seemed to really enjoy it. AMANDA lives with her mommy, and is like a Disney character on crack, with huge bug-eyes that are scary as hell, and stare into you like they are eating your very soul. She seems legit 100% bat-shit crazy. REEGAN sells human tissue for a living (Seriously?? Where do they come up with these ridiculous job titles??), and thought it would be a hoot to show up with a cooler filled with “fake human heart.” Okay, whackjob. Odd sense of humor you’ve got there. TARA is a “Sports Fishing Enthusiast”, which is code for “unemployed.” She came out of the limo in Daisy Duke type shorts, boots, and country-girl button down shirt, to show Chris who she “really” is. All the girls inside pointed and laughed and judged her like she was Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer – the only one not in a cocktail dress – so she snuck on her real dress and went back into another limo and gave him a second meeting, the acceptable way. ASHLEY S., who is the first “last name initial” of the season (there are always many of these), also seems like she just escaped the nuthouse and nobody is aware yet. She kept looking all around everywhere, seemed to have no idea where she was, and upon meeting Chris, put a penny in his shoe, and held a sign about them being “Soule-mates.” Get it? Sole of shoe? Soule, his last name? This is the type of humor that these girls possess. KAITLYN made a series of uncomfortable, sexual “jokes” throughout the night, the first one informing Chris “you can plow the f**k out of my field any day.” Silence. Crickets. Chris claimed to the camera that he “doesn’t know what that means”, which I believe because he seems not to be too bright, but I’ll bet the cob inside his farmer-pants knew exactly what it meant.
After the first 15 girls come out of the limo, Harrison sends Chris inside to mingle with the girls and party. Everyone starts to wonder if this is everyone — Are there more girls??? Are more people coming??? There are normally 25 girls at the start of the season, so why only 15? People start panicking. TARA starts drinking. A lot. Chris has a moment with Britt outside, where they hug some more, but they both really want to kiss each other. He talks to some of the other women as well. Tara drinks some more. As the second batch of 15 more women start pulling up in limos, hours later, the girls start peering and watching from the windows inside the mansion, like some crazed, overly-possesive ex-girlfriend parade. It’s frightening, actually, how they all have their claws in this guy already. The second batch of girls is even nuttier than the first. ALISSA is a flight attendant, and she starts in right away with the stupid puns. “Its going to be a bumpy ride”, she tells Chris, as she buckles him into a seatbelt she brought with her. UGH. JORDAN gives Chris and herself a shot of whiskey, and they drink it together. NICOLE shows up with a pig-nose on, to show him how she can really “ham it up.” Really? BRITTANY is a WWE Diva in Training, and shows up in a tacky white very short dress, that looks more like a costume than real clothing. CARLY brings a small karaoke machine and microphone , and starts singing karaoke to Chris as she approaches. She looks and sounds like she is ten years old when she is doing this, in her little girl-ish pink dress. BO is a plus-sized model, which in Hollywood just means she is really tall and has some curves. KARA is 25 but looks like she’s 50.
The second batch of girls join the first batch inside, and everyone starts fighting for Chris’s attention. Kaitlyn teaches him to dance. Everyone keeps interrupting everyone else, and everyone is whining and bitching and drinking. Tara is drinking more than others. One of the girls tells Chris she doesn’t want to become a crazy cat lady, to which dimwit replies “whats a cat lady?” “You know. Someone with tons of cats.” Minutes later, he tells the camera he wishes he were a polygamist , with all these women to choose from. He doesn’t know what a cat lady is, but he’s familiar with the term polygamist? Ashley S. interrupts one of the girls talking to Chris, by offering HER a flower to go away. She then keeps talking about onions and layers and how people are onions and onions have layers, and what the F&*k are you talking about, crazy-town??? Tara keeps drinking, and burps loudly into the camera. Alrighty-then. Britt gets the “first impression”rose, and the two really do kiss. They make out, actually.
This is the fun part. This is where Chris sends people home and they all cry dramatically. During the ceremony, the girls are lined up like some sort of pageant, and there are many close-ups on Ole Bug Eyes Amanda, which frightens me. Sweaty drunk Tara gets more drunk, and continues to shake and sweat and make comments under her breath to the rest of the girls. At one point, she leans on another girl, then says “Sorry. Almost fell.” Chris notices this and gets up and leaves the room. He talks to host Chris, telling him “I was going to choose Tara, but she is so wasted, I just don’t know.” Host Chris tells him “It’s up to you, buddy.” Gee, thanks for the stellar advice there, Harrison. Farmerboy comes back to the room, and guess what he does? He chooses the drunk anyway. Yup. What a moron. But then again, he also chooses annoying Whitney, and crazy Ashley S. and her damn onions. This dude has weird taste. He sends ole bug eyes home, so I’m happy to report that I wont be having nightmares looking at her big doll eyes. He also sends home Kara, who looked 50 at the beginning of the episode and aged 5 more years by the end. He also sent someone named Kimberly home. But wait!!! Kimberly is not having any of that nonsense. Nope. She marches right back into that mansion just as the chosen ones are toasting with farmerboy – and she says “Can I please see you outside?” And that, my friends, is the dramatic conclusion to episode one.
NEXT WEEK: What will Kimberly say to Chris? Will Chris plow the f%&k out of Kaitlyn’s field? Will Reegan show up with a human head next week? Does Carly take requests on her silly karaoke machine? Find out next week, on The Bachelor.