“Allegiance” is an iron-clad word with terra-firma footing when it comes to people. We like the weight of it leaving our lips, but when the chips are down, only some of us truly adhere to it, galvanizing its heft. We’re only human, right? Things shift, and though we may not like or accept it, it doesn’t stop the process. In the fifth episode of Kevin Can F**ck Himself (AMC) titled “New Patty,” we find that old maxim to be the only constant: the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Following where we were in the last episode…
INT. – KEVIN’S CAR – NIGHT
Patty (Mary Hollis Inboden) and Allison (Annie Murphy) continue on down the road. A stunning Patty shakes off Allison’s bombshell of a declaration. She simply doesn’t believe the person in the literal driver’s seat hasn’t the stones to make someone overdose. Patty inadvertently plunges the knife in deeper, likening Allison to “wallpaper” (in the nicest way possible). Though initially mad at her, Allison takes a deep breath and admits that she might be just “having a time,” they pull up to their houses.
Allison notices the bruise garnered when the trucker fell on her. Patty tells her to cover it up, which is exactly what she’s going to do with the gun by burying it in the backyard. Patty continues into her house and Allison extracts the bottle of pills before putting them back in her pocket.
TITLE: KEVIN CAN FUCK HIMSELF
INT. – FAUSSE BEAUTY STORE – MORNING
Allison picks up a few foundation bottles, figuring out which one best suits her skin tone. Suddenly, Jenn (Meghan Leathers) spots her. She thinks the bottle Allison’s holding is the perfect foundation for her and ‘under-eye circles,’ causing the cashier to snicker. After a few pleasantries are exchanged along with a hug and Jenn’s suggestion to get coffee soon, Allison is nearly aghast finding out the price of the foundation is 30 smackeroos. To save face from resorting to the cashier snidely suggesting the CVS down the street, Allison agrees to buy it… with interest. While the cashier’s back is turned, Allison pilfers a lipstick and is on her way, lobbing back the ‘ma’am’ given to her by the employee.
Out on the street, she goes to paint her lips when she realizes the color does not suit her. Hey, petty thieves don’t have the luxury of being choosy. Not being able to rescind it back in the tube, she tosses it.
INT. – PATTY’S KITCHEN – MORNING
Emerging sleepy-eyed, Patty finds Kurt (Sean Clements) with a fully made breakfast. This isn’t simply goodwill anymore. This is for an answer to his proposal which he gets in spades. Patty simply likes their arrangement without any strings, much less, rings. She does seem to get a good zinger in with them “both hating exercise” when Kurt asserts he doesn’t want to stand still for the rest of his life.
Kurt wants to be ‘normal,’ but Patty takes umbrage with him thinking her doing what she wants to do is abnormal. She throws the hammer down on his ultimatum and with that, they’re done, his parting words being for her to have fun “rotting in Kevin’s house.”
INT. – LIVING ROOM – LATER
Flanked by Pete (Brian Howe) and Neil (Alex Bonifer), Patty is interlocked. Allison enters stage right while Kevin (Eric Petersen) enters stage left, smugly asking his wife to take a seat next to her accomplice. His proof of the duo acting out of school is a Top Dog burger wrapper in his backseat. Kevin’s due diligence (for a change) leads him to the information of the Beauty Expo being located in Brattleboro, Vermont with the nearest Top Dog being in Burlington. Kevin, living that idiot reputation that precedes him, is steamed because they didn’t bring any grub.
Exonerating his wife from this mortal sin after calling her ‘simple’ and ‘narrow-minded’ when it comes to fast food (opting for a salad instead,) Kevin places the iniquity solely on Patty. Since she has run afoul of their trust, she is excommunicated from the “church of Kevin.”
Outside, Allison checks on Patty, who swears she’s fine. Allison’s been firing on all cylinders as of late and wants to get into something stupid with her. Judging from the look on Patty’s face- the trip, combined with the Kurt debacle and her being out of the group as the cherry on top, homegirl’s a little worn out, opting for a really big burrito in solitude.
INT. – PATTY’S SALON – DAY
Entering the salon, an ominous figure awaits her. This is Nick Wyndorff (Robin Lord Taylor), the nephew to Cindy, whom Patty’s been supplying meds for her knee pain. Nick’s been ‘kind’ enough to take some off of her hands, since her knees are the least of her problems, so in essence, Nick claims Patty’s indebted to the both of them.
To be fair, Nick claims that half of his friends actually go through Patty. She simply chose not to question the bulk orders from geriatrics, maybe so as not to complicate an already dicey situation. Since luck, whether good or bad is all a matter of timing, when Nick claims now that Patty owes more than she knows, Detective Tammy Ridgeway (Candice Coke) enters the shop.
Detective Ridgeway is simply following up on some chatter about the area around the salon. She also notices Nick, ostensibly familiar with his antics. Attempting to knock the scent off of him, Patty suggests that maybe the whole drug ring ended at Fiore’s, but Tammy believes she has a further lead and invites Patty out to a ‘work thing’ Friday. Backed into a corner, she sheepishly agrees before finding Nick a whisper in the wind.
INT. – BAR – LATER
Kevin, Neil, and Pete are knocking back a few cold ones, but can’t seem to get the bartender’s attention. They are bereft of the voice for their group, Patty (aka She-Devil.) That is until they notice someone from across the bar who orders the bartender around with the ease of ordering the bar a round. He commands Buffalo sauce for his grilled cheese and though not a featured menu item, his wish is granted, for which he names it “Paddy Melt” since his name is Patrick, but goes by the nickname of Paddy (Jon Glaser). Remember what I said about luck? With that, Paddy takes a seat next to them, telling the bartender to take the food to his seat.
INT. – LIQUOR STORE – DAY
Allison is all bundled up because the heat is still busted in the store. Patty enters, picks up a bottle of vodka, and begins to take shots in the store, frazzled from her burgeoning plight. Allison takes a shot as well, proceeding to get on with her job and impressing Patty in the process.
A patron walks in, bumping past Allison in the process. With liquid fortitude soaking into her tissues, she demands an apology.. a sincere apology and acknowledgment. When he calls her an “uppity bitch” underneath his breath, Allison sees red, calling him a piece of shit before D (Jamie Denbo) can intervene, offering the customer a bottle of booze on the house. Hey, nothing can extinguish a fire like alcohol, amiright?
Diane retains that being shit on at a job like that is an occupational hazard and they have to take it… but the look in Allison’s eyes say differently before she takes off her jacket, takes a shot of vodka, takes off her store vest, takes a bottle of booze and takes off, giving Patty a reason to smile.
INT. – BEV’S DINER – MOMENTS LATER
Armed with a half-drunk bottle of booze in her hand, Allison commands Sam (Raymond Lee) into the office to talk… except a very passionate kiss is most likely more effective. She pulls back and asserts that she’s not “wallpaper” before diving right back into the passion pool as they begin to tear their clothes off.
EXT. – PATTY’S STOOP – NIGHT
Patty walks up on Nick, lounging. The man still needs his pills and won’t take a ‘dry town’ as anything more than an ineffectual excuse. Moreover, since Det. Ridgeway paid him a visit as well after the salon run-in, so the stakes have gone up even higher for Patty’s livelihood, lest Nick spills the beans on her part in all of it.
Shaken, she proceeds to Kevin’s.
INT. – LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
The crew, including Paddy, are chilling, having some brews. Kevin and Neil are impressed with their new addition’s bad-assed nature. A knock is heard, causing Paddy to spring into action. He describes the “intruder” and though they know it’s Patty and begrudgingly allows her in because she gives up her tallboy of Miller, she waits in the kitchen for Allison to get home so she can give her the jacket back… and to feel safe.
Grabbing a beer from the fridge, Patty feels something in Allison’s coat, only to find the bottle of Oxy. The plot thickens.
INT. – SAM’S OFFICE – LATER
Allison and Sam get dressed, the situation’s gone from impulsive to guilt-ridden, at least on Sam’s end. Allison is loving this new side of herself, but realizing what she’d done with the liquor store, reality hits her like a ton of bricks. Sam alleviates this by legitimately (albeit impulsively) offering her a waitstaff job. I believe their subsequent kiss seals that deal.
INT. -LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Allison enters with the lights off only to find the angry pack of four in their seats, awaiting her arrival. Kevin, once again, claims to know what transgression Allison committed. Nervous at first because of the way in which he’d lain it out, Allison’s relieved to know that he’s simply upset on account of her quitting the liquor store, thus revoking her husband’s 10% discount. She reassures him that she bounced back and already has new employment, but Kevin’s schpiel on “loyalty” and how he demands it, that their marriage demands it has Allison exiting into the kitchen.
There she finds Patty at the table with a few beers and the bottle of oxy. She honestly didn’t think Allison would stay the course with her goal, reasoning with her to release the pills to her. She begins to believe the will in Allison to go through with the murder, however, also places doubt within. With Kevin being of sturdy carriage, if the deed is unsuccessful and the asshole takes to it like a thimble full of Nyquil, she’s fucked. It not only affects Allison but Patty as well because Patty has ‘motive,’ what with being publicly ousted from the group, and with suspicion circling around her from Detective Ridgeway, she’s on the hook as well, whether successful or not. Allison assures Patty it’ll all be fine and takes her pills back.
INT. – KURT’S PLACE – NIGHT
Patty raps Kurt’s door. She comes in nervous and a bit shook, apologizing. Her impulsive side now shines, as she wants to take up him on his marriage proposal, but it’s too little too late. He was called by Kevin and given the full story (at least through Kevin’s eyes) and Kurt is able to see clearly now. For three years, they’ve been spending time together, but Kurt is none the wiser of who Patricia O’Conner truly is and with that, she’s shown the door.
INT. -LIVING ROOM – DAY
As Pete yucks it up reading Revelations as it were the funny pages, Kevin and Neil enter bearing the mark of their sainted Paddy in the form of paintballs. It turns out their little excursion was nothing but a bit of Paddy’s sadism in a Walmart parking lot. They all want him out of the group lack the courage to tell him.
INT. – BEV’S DINER – NIGHT
Allison instructs Sam how to make a real smash burger and upon him asking if she’s ready to start a new chapter next week when she starts at Bev’s, Allison smiles and twirls around her wedding ring, saying she’s expecting her whole life to change. He asks her why she has him recreating a Top Dog burger.
INT. -KITCHEN – LATER
With the burger open, Allison pours the contents of her oxy bottle into the mortar, and grasping the pestle in one hand, she takes a few deep breaths.
INT. – LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
Neil, Kevin, and Pete are all couch-bound as Paddy sharpens his combat knife in Pete’s chair. Allison enters from the kitchen bearing a Top Dog burger. She claims it was left on the back stoop with an “I’m sorry” note. Kevin deduces it was from Patty and Allison goes with that. Enter Patty, welcomed with a freshly sharpened blade aimed squarely at her, compliments of, erm, Paddy.
The guys finally fess up to Paddy, compliments of Patty to how they all feel about his presence, but like all sitcoms, it works itself out in the end anyway, as dude’s parole was revoked anyway on accounts of what he did to a mannequin… so “in five to seven,” he may make a cameo.
Impressed with her not backing down, they accept her back into the group. Let’s not forget about the burger she got him (which she is unaware of as she stares in horror as the chump chomps into it.)
EXT. – HOUSE- MOMENTS LATER
Allison hands Patty the pills. “Maybe” is not good enough for Allison’s plan, though she asserts this isn’t some velleity. Patty tries to talk some sense into her, reminding her that with the trip, they might as well be handcuffed together. Offering up a bit of a solution for the both of them, Patty suggests taking the heat off of her and pinning ALL of it onto Kevin, making him the local dealer that will invariably meet a violent end, as is written in the Good Book.