This week on ‘Game of Thrones’: Jon and Jorah brood for Dany’s affections, Dany has a BBQ, Arya gets her creep on, Cersei realizes money can’t fix everything.
Spoilers through Game of Thrones 7×05: “Eastwatch.”
Game of Thrones has hit fast forward on the plot of late and that’s especially apparent in “Eastwatch” where miraculously characters can now travel all over Westeros in the blink of an eye. Remember when it once took half a season to get to the Wall? NOT ANYMORE. WESTEROS HAS TELEPORTERS. I haven’t decided yet if I’m a fan of the race to the end of the series, mostly because I’ve been supportive of the quiet moments between characters that help solidify their personalities. Season seven, while entertaining, has been mostly battles, explosions, and death, and that isn’t why I watch a show like Game of Thrones. It’s still pretty cool, though. I guess if you like all those things.
Money Can’t Buy Happiness
Poor Bronn. Despite his gruff, mercenary demeanor, Bronn has been the most loyal servant to House Lannister since the beginning of the series. Every one else has either been killed or turned tail, but not our intrepid Bronn. He says he’s in it all for a castle, but maybe he’s in it because he actually gives a shit about the Lannister boys. (Not Cersei.)
Somehow Bronn manages to get Jaime, still clad in a full suit of armor, to the surface, far away from Dany imprisoning/burning Lannister soldiers. I know the plot demanded that Jaime escape but maaaaaaaybe instead they could have held Jaime prisoner, have him watch as Dany burns the Tarly family alive, thereby drawing the parallel to the Mad King even more and reaffirming Jaime’s hatred of Targaryens. Then he could lash out at Tyrion before they decide to ship him back to Cersei as a show of good faith with the message that the undead are coming and she needs to work with them. Daddy Davos could smuggle Broody J into King’s Landing (keeping Bronn prisoner or killing him and knocking Dany’s likability down a few pegs) and then Davos could still give baby Baratheon a Lyft back to Dragonstone. YOU’RE WELCOME, THRONES.
Jaime instead goes back to Cersei shaken by at least three different near-death experiences and somehow, Cersei’s delusions about their chances of winning the war are more frightening than being face to face with a dragon.
Jaime then informs Cersei that Olenna, not Tyrion, was responsible for Joffrey’s death. Cersei’s response is straight out of the Luke Skywalker playbook: “No, that can’t be. You’re lying! It’s impossible.” For as heartbroken as Cersei is over being reminded that her firstborn son was a monster, it seems to have sparked something new inside her. Something wholly Lannisterian. Something…it’s a baby. Cersei is pregnant.
I’ll be honest: I don’t think Cersei is actually pregnant. Cersei knows Jaime better than anyone and she knows that in order for her to succeed, she has to have him on her side. He failed against Dany and her dragons but ultimately, he’s still her best chance to survive this thing. (In her mind, at least. In our minds, he’s her best chance for doom.) With Jaime’s anger toward Tyrion subsiding because of the truth of Joffrey’s murder, and his secret meeting with his brother, Cersei knows she needs a way to reel in his loyalty and what better way to do that than to renew his love for her and his love for the Lannister dynasty? SURPRISE. A BABY.
And the Bad Decisions Keep on Coming
Bran, little shit that he is, hasn’t exactly been useful since his return to Winterfell. Instead of revealing crucial information about the state of the realm or the true loyalties of devious characters, the best thing he’s done is give Arya Littlefinger’s Valyrian steel dagger, and I’m still not sure that was a good move. He spies on the Night King through a raven and the Night King has read this book before so he’s onto Bran before he can even shout “Hold the door.” Bran, FINALLY SEEING REASON, sends ravens to the south, warning every leader that the white walkers are heading toward Eastwatch-by-the-Sea and maybe someone should get on that.
The old white dudes in the Citadel, however, receive this message and think it’s a joke. I wonder if at any point during their education they thought their ancestors were liars. Clearly dragons are real. They have at least 828095 books that tell them so. The Maesters have already confirmed past winters and their danger, so why are they suddenly like, “Nah, that shit is nonsense for babies who believe in fairies”?
Sam’s head explodes because he’s tired of people not listening to what he has to say.
Meanwhile, back in their room, baby girl Gilly uses her noodle to find the most useful information for fans of Game of Thrones and Sam, still reeling from being ignored by the Maesters, COMPLETELY IGNORES HER.
Then Sam whisks Gilly and baby Sam away from the Citadel to head back to, I assume, Horn Hill, to learn he’s probably now lord? Hopefully Sam stole the book that Gilly was reading from because I have a feeling that information is going to be insanely important in the upcoming episodes. Probably not this season though, since there are only two episodes left and I imagine Bran won’t drop that Targaryen bomb until next year.
In the Dark of the Night, Arya Will Find You
Sansa and Arya haven’t had the best relationship. In fact, their relationship is about as healthy as the one between Cersei and Tyrion. That is to say, it’s a smidge tenuous. Arya still sees Sansa as she was when they left for King’s Landing: a spoiled girl who only wants to be a Queen. It’s an unfair assessment for Arya to make and I kind of want to smack her around for it because no one gets to judge Sansa. Sansa is someone who would freely admit that she’d never survive the things Arya went through but Arya is too proud to concede that Sansa has also gone through hell and back. Arya doesn’t cut Sansa any slack for sleeping in their parents’ room (should the room stay empty as a monument to them, Arya?) and insults her once-upon-a-time-ago need for pretty things. No, seriously. Arya is about to go on my shit list.
When the northern lords quip that they should have elected Sansa to rule (they should have), Sansa stands up for Jon, but not enough for Arya’s liking. Arya thinks she should have made an example of them, but Sansa knows better than anyone that killing lords isn’t how you inspire loyalty. (Ahem, take note, Dany.) Arya, however, is itching to use her knew blade and I’m absolutely terrified she wants to use it on Sansa.
Maybe it’s because of her time with the Faceless Men, but Arya is becoming almost as unhinged as Bran. Poor Sansa is left alone with the crazy Stark siblings while Jon spends his time in the south trying to have sex with a dragon.
Since Arya doesn’t seem to trust Sansa, she starts tailing Littlefinger. At first I hoped it was because she was looking to protect her older sister from the creepy dude who had a thing for their mother. At first, I cheered, wanting to believe that Arya was that feisty best friend we all want.
INSTEAD, Arya found information that incriminates Sansa and I’m all but certain it will drive a bigger wedge between the already warring Stark sisters. Exactly the thing that Littlefinger wants. Arya will use the letter Sansa wrote to Robb, IN SEASON ONE, coerced by Cersei, and Littlefinger will gleefully wait for Sansa to turn to him for help. Maybe he’ll even suggest killing Arya. I would HOPE that Sansa could see through that nonsense, but where her family is concerned, she can be a bit dumb. Maybe not as stubborn as Arya, but still blind.
I am not looking forward to upcoming events between the Stark sisters.
Unless they turn it on Littlefinger and kill him. I am ENTIRELY here for that outcome.
This Girl is on Fire
After setting fire to her enemies and being SHOCKED that people don’t agree with her methods, Dany quickly returns to Dragonstone. Now, I don’t mean to nitpick their travel or anything (yes, I do), but if Dany and her dragons could always fly this quickly, why don’t the mother and child destruction combination take more pot shots at the Lannisters? I get Tyrion’s point of view that she can’t been seen using dragons to destroy the common folk, but tearing down Casterly Rock? WHY THE HELL NOT.
Also, every main character in Game of Thrones (except Sansa and Tyrion) has had to kill someone on “their” side to prove a point. Robb killed Karstark; Jon killed Janos Slynt; Eddard killed the poor kid from the Night’s Watch who was terrified of the White Walkers. So don’t any of you lecture me about how Dany is just like the Mad King when all three of those Starks are celebrated heroes and leaders.
So no, I don’t feel sorry for the idiot Tarly men.
Back in Dragonstone, Jon pets Drogon and Dany is all, “What the hell, Judas?” But Jon wastes absolutely no time in trying to romance Dany. In his own…special way.
Then the two Targaryens have a moment and I KNOW Thrones is building HARD for a Dany/Jon romance, but I can’t cheer for it. Yes, they’re both beautiful people but what about Yara? Or Missandei when she inevitably loses Grey Worm? Or Jorah? Because at least those characters have been around her long enough to build up a rapport. Okay, less Yara, especially with the whole hostage situation, but STILL. Also, it’s icky. Also, I still low-key trash ship Dany/Jorah. It’s only 98% because Iain Glen is SO pretty.
Speaking of Jorah, the old bear makes his way to Dany in record time. It took him SEASONS the last time they were separated but public transportation really has come a long way in Westeros. Dany and Jorah share a moment and you can SMELL the judgment coming from Jon Snuh.
Bran’s letter reaches Dragonstone and Jon I-TOLD-YOU-SO Snuh renews his attempt to get Dany to attack the White Walkers with dragons. She’s unsure about getting cold but she’s totally on board with sacrificing Jorah’s life to capture a live White Walker to bring it south to Cersei. Guess I’m sinking hard with that ship and another Mormont will soon bite the dust.
Davos smuggles Tyrion into King’s Landing, and by smuggle, I mean, they show up on the beach where there aren’t many guards. There’s no actual smuggling and instead it’s more like dodging the bad guys. They didn’t even TRY to disguise Tyrion. This is fucking amateur hour, y’all. It’s the final two seasons and Thrones has absolutely given up on the minor details and they’re just racing to the finish line, hoping we don’t notice shit. (We do.)
Tyrion has a tense chat with Jaime about how much they hated daddy, how Cersei’s hair hasn’t grown in two years, how Qyburn is still the creepiest dude around. You know, brotherly stuff. Jaime doesn’t kill Tyrion OR take him hostage because everyone in Game of Thrones has horrible military sense and that would just ruin this breakneck plot pace thing they’ve got going.
Davos, meanwhile, picks up another orphan in the form of a Baratheon bastard who has spent the last three seasons rowing in the Narrow Sea. Gendry swings his hammer a few times, squashes some skulls, and Davos beams with pride. Our merry little family goes back to Dragonstone because traveling is fun now. But they aren’t there long since the episode IS titled “Eastwatch”, so the intrepid band of white bread heroes all head north to the Wall.
There they also meet with other less white bread heroes in the form of the Brotherhood Without Banners. It would probably be a more exciting moment if the episode hadn’t zipped around all over the place, but there it is. The boy band group of Jon, Jorah, the Hound, Gendry, Thoros, Beric, and Tormund all head north to…sigh, capture a wight.
Does the Northerners’ plan sound absolutely ridiculous to anyone else? Couldn’t they instead focus on mining more dragonglass? Couldn’t they at least ship Winterfell some of that dragonglass, along with Gendry to forge it? Of all the things they could be doing to prep for the Long Night, THIS was their best option? To convince Cersei My-Brother-Is-The-Worst-but-I-Also-Love-My-Other-Brother Lannister that White Walkers are real? I mean, she’s the most delusional character in Game of Thrones, everyone says so, so all this effort to convince her seems like a waste. At best, she’ll pretend to support their fight against cold zombies and instead use it as a way to wear down her enemies. At worst, she’ll just kill whoever shows up at her gates. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.
Don’t think I didn’t catch that snarky line, Sansa: “Jon can’t expect us to just sit and wait for him like Ghost.” POOR GHOST. Only Sansa cares about the direwolves. If Lady were alive, she’d have her pupper with her everywhere. Not like these other ungrateful Stark kids.
Game of Thrones airs Sundays on HBO at 9pm EST.