“Dancing With the Stars” Review: TV Night Brings Muppets and Mayhem

So, last week, for reasons much too boring and dull to get into here, I was unable to cover the 2-night, 2-episode, FOUR hours of programming that was Dancing With the Stars. It just couldn’t be done. I mean, I love the Tango as much as the next guy, but come ON!!! Four HOURS??? That’s, like, two and a half movies. It’s just too much time. This show is already on the air 75 times a year as is, now they are doing 4 hours a week on top of it? No. Just … no. I have a life over here. It’s enough already. So basically, to catch you up, all that really happened last week was that the couples danced to songs that were about their hometowns, and then Chaka Khan went home. That is all. And life moved on …

This week was TV Week, in which each couple danced to song from classic or iconic TV shows. (although I would beg to differ about a couple of their choices as “iconic”) Since The Muppets have their own new show on the same network, they stopped by to run the control room and generally be part of the chaos. It was good times, as Piggy tried taking over for Erin Andrews, while Kermit freaked out when he realized that while he was out on the dance floor talking to Tom Bergeron, nobody was running the control room!!!! AHHHH!!!! Also on the show this week was Guest Judge and Season 19 Champion Alfonso Rubiero. Let us begin with the analysis ….

Carlos / Witney: They did a Jazz routine to the theme from The Golden Girls. They played an old couple in love, and it was very cute , with a twist of creepy. Those wigs were god-awful, and his sweater wasnt much better. Tom Bergeron echoed my thoughts exactly with his suggestion that they “smell like menthol.” Bruno stood up and yelled that it reminded him of the movie Coccoon, and he is always bringing up that movie for no reason. He has a weird obsession with that film. Scores were 7/8/8/8,, and Len was home pooping in his Depends.

Paula / Louis: I’m just going to go ahead and say it. Actually, my mom said it to me in conversation last week and I agreed with her. “Paula Deen is a pain in the ass, huh?” Yes, yes she is. Man, that woman is needy. Always with the hug requests, and asking Louis to comfort her and such. This week she brought on the waterworks in rehearsals because she was “just sooooo tuuuuuhrd … I’m soooo tuuuurrhd…. ” (that’s “tired” in Deep South accent-speak). Their dance was to the theme from Gilligan’s Island, and she played Mrs Howell, although she kept asking to silent replies: “Why cant I be Maryann? Why?” Do you really need to ask, Paula? Really? She cried into Louis’s shirt sleeve, telling him she has been abandoned many times, to which he said: “Not this time.” After their dance, her grandsons ran onto the dance floor and awkwardly hugged her knees. Carrie Ann thought she “captured the spirit of the show”, but her scores were dreadfully low. 5/5/5/5.

Tamar / Val: Holy crap does this chick get on my last nerve. Listening to her talk is like nails on the most annoying chalkboard of all time. Their dance was a Tango to the brilliant show Mad Men, which is, of course, set in the 1960s work force, where the relationship between men and women was very different from today, and where men had all the power. Apparently she has never seen the show or doesn’t understand the concept of playing a character, because she just kept whining about everything. “Why does the dance gotta be all macho? This is sexist. Why cant the woman be the boss? Why cant the female be the one in charge?” BECAUSE ITS MAD MEN, YOU MORON! JUST DO THE DAMN DANCE! She did, and it was great. The choreography was excellent, and that theme song kicks ass. Bruno stood and yelled about “Dirty ruthless business!!!” Huh? Julianne thought it had an innocence that was beautiful. Scores were 8/9/8/8.

Alexa / Mark: Jazz routine to the theme from Breaking Bad. This dance was absolutely awesome and kind of brilliant. Mark is obsessed with the show, its his all time favorite show, so his choreography was spot on to the characters and feel of the show. His bald cap and costume really made him an excellent Walter White, and their masks and yellow meth coats were the perfect costumes. This was a jazz routine, but it felt very much like contemporary to me. I loved it, and the judges did too. Horny Carrie Ann called it “genius!” Alfonso thought it was awesome, and told Alexa that she could win the show. Julianne said it was the first time that the couple danced like a team. Scores were 9/9/9/9.

Andy / Allison: Their Quickstep was to the theme from American Bandstand. Loved their cute costumes, especially her colorful skirt and top. Andy already looks like he is straight outta 1954. Fun dance. Judges liked it, and scores were okay, but could have been higher. 7/7/8/7.

Gary / Anna: They did a Tango to The Addams Family, and talk about perfect casting. Gary’s bizarre nature was perfect for this role. In rehearsal and footage, producers asked Gary some questions and he told them to “slow down and start over”, and then followed that up by telling the producer: “You talk like a woodpecker.” What??? Later, when asked another question about how he felt about the dance or something to that effect, Gary responded with: “Well that’s a stupid question.” This guy kills me. Bruno found their dance to be “deliciously dysfunctional!”, while Horny Carrie Ann called it “Yummy yummy yummy!!!!”, and then cackled like a maniac. What is her deal? Alfonso screamed “I’m in love with you!” Scores were 6/7/6/6.

Alek / Lindsay: Theirs was a Tango, and it was to the tune from True Blood. I know nothing about this TV show as I’ve never seen it, but their dance was very good and they succeeded in making him sexy. Julianne thought it was perfection. Scores were 8/8/9/8. Len was still home, getting into his footie pajamas and making himself a glass of warm milk for bedtime.

Bindi / Derek: They danced a Quickstep to one of my favorite all time TV theme songs, The Jeffersons. Neither one of them has ever seen the show, which is ridiculous to me. WATCH THE SHOW! Their dance was fun and animated and energetic. Bindi maybe had 14 less cups of coffee than usual, because the judges thought it was missing something and that she seemed off. Julianne said it was not her best dance. She had a slight foot injury, which could have been the issue, since it was hurting her. Scores were still good despite all that, at 8/8/8/8.

Kim / Tony: So during the rehearsal week, Kim’s left side went numb and she was rushed to the hospital , where she had a mini-stroke due to a blood clot. She was given meds and discharged after 3 days, and appeared on Skype on air , where Tom Bergeron informed her of “the rules of the show”, which apparently state something about if you sick for certain period of time and if we find you to be an annoying person in general (not sure if it said that, but it should), then you cannot continue your duties as a “star” on the show. So, he pretty much kicked her to the curb on live TV, and said “So yeah, thanks for joining us, but bye now!” Kind of funny. So she is no longer in the competition. Tony danced with one of the pro dancers for the hell of it, I guess, to the theme from Bewitched. 

Nick / Sharna: They did a Viennese Waltz to the theme from Downton Abby. It was regal, royal, and quite gorgeous. Alfonso called it near perfect, while Julianne said it was the best dance of the night. Len fell face forward into his warm milk, and then a servant named Jeeves rubbed cold Ben Gay on his head until he fell asleep. Scores were 9/9/9/9.

Hayes / Emma: I will never understand why this kid is famous in any capacity. He makes 6 second videos on VINE, and apparently, this makes him a star in some way. He annoys me. They did Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles, and it was a Jive. Not really sure this show was iconic, but whatever. Horny Carrie Ann told him that he seemed out of breath, and Alfonso said he lost energy halfway through the dance. Maybe because this kid can only do things for 6 seconds, and then he’s done. Scores were 7/8/7/8.

Because they cruelly kicked off Kim, nobody else had to get eliminated this week.

Next Week: Hayes sobs in his Cocoa Puffs when his 7 second video doesn’t go viral. Len wakes up, then falls back asleep. Louis abandons Paula Deen when he trades her in for some lovely kitchen-ware.

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