Well, kids, here we are in Week 5 of everyone’s favorite Mirror-Ball Trophy Cheese-fest, and this week is the ever-annoying (I mean …. wonderful) Disney week. Each couple gets assigned a famous Disney song and characters, and then they dance with animated live characters as part of their weird acid-trip routines. To start things off, the show chose THE most obnoxious and annoying Disney song of all-time to get into our heads forever and ever – “It’s A Small World After All.” Yes, the pro dancers and animated figures, plus Tinkerbell, did a lovely ballroom dance to this classic, which I still have nightmares about from when I was around 12 years old and got STUCK inside the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney World in Florida, and this song played on repeat about 173 times in a row – in the dark. It was a good 20 minutes or so before they fixed the ride and it began moving again, but now I’m 43 and I still think about the horrors of that terrible day. nobody should have to hear that creepy song that many times in one sitting – or one lifetime. Anyway, maybe it’s just me. Here we go with the Disney madness from this week’s festivities ….
Suzanne / Tony: They danced Jazz to a number from Lady and the Tramp. During rehearsal footage, Suzanne doesn’t think she can do this anymore. She tells Tony that it’s too hard and that she isn’t any good at it. She is really down on herself and he gives her a great pep talk, telling her that what she is doing is amazing and not to compare herself to the other dancers on the show. Their routine is great, and her black shiny dress is gorgeous. There was a moment where her heel got caught on her dress, but she kept up the timing of the number and didn’t seem to let it affect things. Julianne: “Your best dance.” Bruno had lobster-red face (what the hell happened to his face???) as he stood up and screamed his usual nonsense into the air. And then this funny exchange happened:
Carrie Anne: So your heel got caught in your dress. It’s happened to all of us.
Tom Bergeron: It happened to Bruno!
Scores were all sevens, which I felt was a bit low. It wasn’t her fault that her heel got caught. Why take points off for that? I do feel as if they score this pair a bit too low at times. Last week she deserved eights after their praise in comments and she still got all sevens.
Robert / Kym: So how long until these two officially hook up and become a couple? They are pretty damn cute together, and the camera keeps catching these little moments of them being pretty intimate – lots of holding each other and hugging , and him calling her “baby.” Hmmmm …. They danced the Quickstep, to “Step In Time” from Mary Poppins. Kym glided in from the sky with her umbrella in true Poppins fashino, and he danced the entire thing with that silly slapped on “Guy Smiley” face that he has. The judges were quite harsh with their comments. Julianne: “Your steps were not so in time.” Carrie Ann tried to make a joke with the lyrics from a Poppins song, and failed miserably. She just isn’t funny at all, except when she isn’t trying to be. “Chim chim a ree, chim chim a ree, chim chim cha BOO!!!!” Nobody laughed. Crickets. Bruno’s comment was the funniest, as he tried his best to keep things positive. “In your own world, you were in time, and everybody else was off!” Scores were low at 6/6/6/6.
Farmer Snooze / Witney: Oh boy. This was bound to happen sooner or later. The “Bachelor’ is finally starting to go off the rails and show his true colors, how he acts when extremely out of his element (the stupid farm, which is pretty much his only element) and extremely stressed. During rehearsal footage, when Witney was trying to teach a new series of steps to Corn-Husk-for Brains, he couldn’t handle it and freaked out on her. When she insisted that he could do it and was trying to pep-talk him in a positive way, he snapped: “Don’t argue with me. I’m telling you what it is, and I can’t do any better. It’s not new to you. Clearly. Youre a professional. I cant do it your way. So stop it. Stop it.” Witney went in the other room and began crying, saying that he made her feel like she “is a bad coach.” When she came back out, he apologized in the most lame and non-sincere way possible, with a weak and half-assed, one word “Sorry.” Who’s taking bets on how many weeks it will be until the other Whitney, the one who is in the audience and has agreed to marry this doofus, changes her mind and says: “Wait – I was gonna live on a farm in Bumf**k, Iowa for my life??? I don’t think so!!!” Look, I realize that everyone has bad days and sometimes under the stress of this show, the dancers snap at one another. But something about this felt like “underlying red flag” to me – like this is the real dude that is hiding underneath the blandness. The way he said it, it had such a tone of disrespect toward her, and such a “me man – you woman – stay in your place” type vibe. If he can act that way with cameras rolling, how will he be to live with on some random out of nowhere farm in Iowa where there are NO OTHER HUMANS besides him and Whitney with an H? Anyway …
They danced the Quickstep, and he played the role of Hercules, ironically enough. But before all that, and after the rehearsal theatrics, we then got to see what a bad actor this dude is too. It was like bonus comedy! When they were rehearsing on the dance floor itself, hours before the show aired, Tractor Brain “fell” on his ankle or his foot or his toe, or something …. it was hard to say , what with all the over-acting that was happening. “Ow! Oh no! Ow!!! Oh god! Oh gosh!!! Ouch!!!” He whined and whined, and then told Witney he wasnt sure if he could do it. Dude, man up! Noah has ONE LEG, and you don’t hear him whining – ever. Get off your ass and dance, Farmboy. So he did. And the judges liked him, other than pretty much everyone telling him that he has zero musicality and can’t even clap to the music like a human. Scores were 7/6/7/7.
Patti / Artem: Now, Patti also has an ongoing injury in her knee, and this week it was really bothering her. She didn’t whine about it though – but she was really worried that it would maybe give out on her during the dance. She iced it, she stayed off it, and her partner was so loving in how he dealt with her and her injury. She was crying during rehearsals because she didn’t want to let her partner down, and he told her that wasn’t possible. They did a Waltz to “When You Wish Upon A Star” and it was very pretty. Nice to see Patti slow down some and do a gorgeous dance. Her yellow dress was one of my favorite costumes of the night also. Carrie Anne called it a “soft smooth lullabye”, and Bruno said it was “warm and lovely.” When Erin Andrews asked her about her knee injury backstage, her response was awesome and just made Farmer Zzzzz look even more lame. “Let’s get real”, she said. “Noah has one leg, okay? The knee thing is no big deal. It really isn’t. ” I love Patti and her attitude and dedication. Scores were 7/6/7/7.
Willow / Mark: Their Foxtrot was to Alice in Wonderland, and Mark played perhaps the creepiest rabbit I have ever seen in my life. Now my “It’s a Small World” nightmares are going to be replaced with his awful and scary rabbit costume. Despite that, it was a super fun dance and I really like her. Len said “you went from Hunger Games to Fun and Games!”, whatever that means. Take your meds, Len. Julianne said it had “great execution.” Scores were 8/8/9/9.
Noah / Sharna: They did a Foxtrot to Aladdin “A Whole New World.” He entered the dance floor from the sky also, on the magic carpet. She is so good at creating choreography that works best with his challenges, and HE is so good at accepting those challenges and going out and kicking ass anyway. He is a pretty awesome, inspirational dude. During rehearsals, he was worried and a bit down on himself because of his limitations with bending for this dance. He was afraid that because he can’t bend at the knee with the prosthetic, it would affect the rise and fall of a Foxtrot. I loved Sharna’s response to him, which was basically “stop looking at your lower half. You can’t change that. You can’t do anything about that. Focus on what you’re doing with your frame and the rest of the dance, and everyone else will focus there too.” Then she added: “I’m supposed to be the princess in this dance, not you. Suck it up, princess.” He laughed, and they had a nice moment. Their dance was beautifully done. Scores were 7/7/7/7.
Riker / Allison: They did the Paso Doble to PIrates of the Caribbean, which of course, just happens to be Riker’s favorite movie and he knows every line by heart and is in love with being Jack Sparrow. He talked like Sparrow through the whole rehearsal, and even backstage afterwards. It was a little bit weird. He did a great dance and the judges loved it, so there goes my hopes of him going home next week. But hopefully Farmer Douchebag will go home instead. Horny Carrie Anne completely flipped out at the dance. “That was the best, ever, ever, ever, EVER!!!!! That was BEAST!!!!” And then she just kept yammering on and on as Bergeron moved on to the next comment. Bruno called it “mad and wonderful!”, and Len fell asleep head-first into his bowl of Cream of Wheat. Scores were 10/9/9/10.
Rumer / Val: They got assigned The Little Mermaid but Rumer requested to play Ursula, the villian, instead of the mermaid. So she did, and it was awesome. Her skin was dyed all purple-ish and Val’s was all green since he was the eel – they both looked freaky as hell and it was effective. Bruce and Demi were once again in the crowd, although not ever sitting together. Their dance to the great powerful song “Poor Unfortunate Souls” was fierce, fast, and wonderful. Horny Carrie Anne said “It turned me on!!!” Ummm … WHAT??? Relax, lady. Len called Rumer a fantastic dancer, then pooped his Depends. Scores were 10/9/10/10.
Nastia / Derek: Another great dance. This one was just beyond adorable, to the song “Love is An Open Door” from Frozen. It was a jazz routine, and the choreography included hand movements and some very modern hip-hop type stuff. Total blast to watch, as these two always are. Scores were 9/9/10/10.
GOING HOME: Suzanne and Tony. A bit disappointing, as I liked her and thought she did a really good job, and maybe deserved to stay a bit longer than a couple of the others. Suzanne praised Tony as a coach and person, and left America with this message: “I think all older women should be on hormones!!!”
Well alrighty then.
NEXT WEEK: Witney gets a hold of Suzanne’s hormones and takes too many, then screams at Farmer Boy, putting him in his place. All the world rejoices. Len takes a nap.