‘Dancing With the Stars’ Review: “You Should Be a Ride at Six Flags!”

Well, kids, here we are at “that episode” in the season. You know the one I mean. Dancing With the Stars calls it “Your Most Memorable Year” night. Each contestant chooses a song that represents their most memorable year of their life, and they tell their story through it. This episode is usually otherwise known as “The one Where everybody Cries.” There was also some classic dialogue this week between the judges and host Tom Bergeron, who had some hilarious and witty one-liners. Let us begin, before Len has to go down for his morning nap.

GINGER / VAL: They danced Contemporary, and her chosen year was 2013. It was the year she first dated Ben, and then got engaged to him. The “GMA” star said later, when they married, Ben gave her the framed lyrics to the Phillip Phillips song “Home”, so that was their chosen song for the dance. It was very pretty with some gorgeous lifts. Afterwards, Bergeron told Ginger: “I love watching you smile.” Awww. Len wanted “more fluidity”, unlike his pee stream. Carrie Ann thought their joy was contagious. Scores were 7/7/7, and new mom Ginger had her infant baby backstage, who cried the whole time. Bergeron with his classic wit, observed: “In 22 seasons, that is not the first crybaby we have had on the show. They’re usually a lot bigger.”

DOUG / KARINA: The NFL Legend did a Waltz to “The Rainbow Connection.” The year was 2015, and his dad had been sick for a while. The moment his dad died, his mom went over to him, gave him a kiss on the forehead, and fell forward, and was gone. The only explanation the doctors came up with, was that she died from a broken heart. He lost his parents on the same day, in the same hour, and it was a huge family tragedy. Flutie said “but it’s also an amazing love story.” Karina choreographed a gorgeous and emotional dance to honor his parents, that represented their souls coming together again. It was beautiful and simple, and Doug was very emotional. Bruno said it was very connected and lyrical. Carrie Ann said: “This is how your parents live on – when you dance like that.” Len called it two people coming together, dancing as one. Backstage, Doug said he just wanted to make mom and dad proud. Scores were 7/6/7, and Len is really attached to that damn 6. Such a grump.

KIM / SASHA: They did a Foxtrot, and the year was 1976. Kim booked her very first gig, as “the little black girl talking to a bottle of syrup”, as she put it, for Mrs. Butterworth. That led her from Harlem to Hollywood, and onto other big gigs, like Tootie on “The Facts of Life.” In the dance, she wore the Tootie-get-up, and they of course danced to the theme song from the show. Meanwhile, Charlotte Rae (Mrs. Garrett) was in the crowd, and looked to be about 117 years old now. Or maybe I’m just not used to seeing actresses who DON’T have botox and surgery. Her wrinkles were almost confusing to look at. Anyway, the dance was cute. Len made another silly metaphor: “Like maple syrup. Smooth and tasty.” Kim screamed like a maniac, as if Len had just given her 10 million dollars. Then Bruno screamed too. Then Bergeron had to calm everyone down with: “Okay. Wow. Wow.” Scores were 8/7/7, and Len fell face-first into his bowl of tapioca pudding.

VON / WITNEY: They danced Contemporary, and their year was 2016. Superbowl MVP and Winner. Von chose the Phil Collins song “In the Air”, because he said that he listens to it right before each game, which is just about the most random thing ever. During the dance, he was shirtless, which the audience (and Bruno and Horny Carrie Ann) quite enjoyed. They did lifts. He is so damn tall. Bergeron had another hilarious comment about the song with: “the happiest person about that song choice and dance was Phil Collins.” Bruno began excitedly standing up and making comments about Von and his nude chest, which seemed to make Von very uncomfortable. So what did Bruno do? He kept going, naturally. “You just won ‘Super Chest.’ You are sculpted. It’s hard to look at the dancing. Forget about Witney. Who cares?” Von looked like he wanted to crawl into the nearest hole and hide forever.So Bruno kept going: “You are HUGE! Huge and yet light-footed. Oh stop it Carrie Ann! She is naughty, saying things you shouldn’t hear!” At which point Bergeron again tried to tame the circus with a calming order: “Bruno, FOCUS!!!” Bruno continued: “You’re big. Lets just say that.” Horny Carrie Ann continued the onslaught of madness with “You’re a dominating BEAST! But I think you can do more. I want MORE from you!” Oh, I’ll bet you do. Scores were 7/6/7, and again, Len was responsible for the 6.

MARLA / TONY: The year was 1993, and she gave birth to her daughter, Tiffany Trump. Her and Trump divorced in 2000, so she became a single mom. Her dance was to honor her daughter, who was in the audience and at rehearsals with her. They did the Jive to “Happy”, and it was very good. I just can’t listen to this woman speak, knowing that at some point in her life, she had relations with Trump. Ewww. Bruno said: “Youre a bright and zesty hot canary!” Len said: “You’re happy? I’m happy!”, at which point, Tony jumped over the judges table and kissed Len. Scores were 7/7/7.

ANTONIO / SHARNA: They did the Foxtrot, and the year was 2007, the year that Antonio broke college football record, and his son was born, on the same day. He wants to give his son the life he never had, since his own dad was never around. This was a sweet dance, with his little son joining him at the very end for some last father/son steps. Carrie Ann said he gathers energy from the crowd and plays off it. Bruno accused Antonio of “getting so excited, you started to skip.” And as he said this, he got so excited, he knocked off a piece of Len’s arm once again, to which Len replied with an eye-roll “Alright that’s enough.” Bruno “Well he does, my dahling. He skips.” Len then got out his mean 6 yet again, and scores were 7/6/7.

JODIE / KEO: One of the more emotional dances of the night. The year was/is 2016, which Jodie considers her Comeback Year, being able to work once again with her “family” on the new “Fuller House” series. When the original series ended years ago,she was just a teen, and she got depressed in grief over losing that family. Drugs and alcohol numbed the pain after the show ended, and she was in a dark place for years. Now, she has been sober for 5 years, and she feels like her light can shine again. They did a Foxtrot to “Rise Up”, and it was lovely and very emotionally raw. Carrie Ann called it the most inspirational dance of the night, and Bruno said it was “your best and most connected dance yet.” Scores were 8/7/8. Hey, at least Len put down the damn 6 for a minute.

PAIGE / MARK: They did the Paso Doble, and the year was 2014, the year that Paige won her first UFC Fight. She was bullied in school as a child, and felt like she lost who she was. She found fighting and found herself. This was one of my very favorite dances of the night. I loved the FIGHT in it, and I loved the music and choreography. It was totally kick-ass. Len said it was a great performance, but not a Paso Doble. Then he tooted into his Depends. Bruno called her Wonder Woman. Carrie Ann called it “Bad-ass!!!” Then Len argued with Carrie Ann, and Carrie Ann put up her hand like “Talk to the hand, old man!”, and she argued with him, and then he tooted again and everything got awkward. Scores were 8/7/8, because Len is a grump who always scores too low. Mark then tried to console Len by jumping over the table and kissing him. Len pouted.

MISCHA / ARTEM: They did a Samba, and the year was 2008, when she left the “O.C,” at its prime, and went back to England. It was a year of change. They showed footage from last week of her telling Artem “you were supposed to make this a good experience”, and him saying: “You act like you don’t want to be here. That’s my experience.” Yeah. She is obnoxious and whiny. At least in this dance, she tried to smile while dancing her usual wooden dancing style. The song choice was “Party in the USA” which I didn’t get at all, since the whole point of her story was that she moved OUT of the USA that year. Whatever. Len called it her best dance so far, and Bruno said words that sounded like not something that was english. Scores were 6/6/6.

WANYA / LINDSAY: Wanya still has the weird name of Wanya, and he did the Waltz. The year was 1996, when Boys 2 Men sang the National Anthem at the Closing ceremonies for the Atlanta Olympics. Just a week before, there had been a terrorist attack, and so they wanted to help somehow. That performance made him feel like their band had finally made it. Danced to the recording of that song, cuz this guy really likes dancing to his own voice. Len said he lost his posture, and the audience booed him. “Why boo the old guy? Have some respect for old people”, Len growled. Bergeron replied: “You’re still bitter about losing the colonies, aren’t you?” LINE OF THE NIGHT RIGHT THERE. IM STILL LAUGHING AT THAT ONE, TOMMYB. Scores were 8/8/8, despite the posture.

NYLE / HEAVENS TO MURGATROYD: The year was 2012, and Nyle, a deaf man who was born into a deaf family, decided to bravely go on a trip around the world to discover himself. For the first time in his life, he went on this trip without an interpreter. He wanted to see what life was like , coming from 4 generations of deaf family. His dance was the Tango, and was meant to show his fearlessness in life. You can tell how much Peta admires and loves him as a person, as she gets very emotional and feels deeply during their dances and afterwards. She is proud of him. Their dance was awesome and intense. Bergeron said: “How do you say goosebumps in sign language?” Carrie Ann said that Nyle was better than Superman. Bruno said the weirdest thing of all time with: “You should be a ride at Six Flags. You’d be packed all the time!” WHAT THE F**K??? Len said “You are proof anyone can do anything if they want to.” Peta cried, and scores were highest of the night at 8/8/9. Yes!! I love this guy. Oh, and did I mention this week how incredibly HOT he is to look at??? Just in case I forgot …. he is HOT!!!

ELIMINATED: Whiny Mischa.

NEXT WEEK: Nyle leaves the show and becomes a ride at Six Flags. The line is packed to get on him. Carrie Ann is first in line, and demands to ride the ride over and over again, privately. Bruno loses focus and wanders off into the wrong TV studio, finding himself a judge at “The Voice.” Nobody notices. Bergeron enters Len into the Talent Competition; “Old Man of the Month Club”, where Len’s talent is holding up a 6 paddle.

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