Well folks, week two of The Bachelorette isn’t really any less dumb than week one was. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. However, there IS one thing on this weeks episode that makes it a hell of a lot more tolerable – and that is the presence of comedian Amy Schumer stopping by to mock the crap out of these dumbass men. Oh, it was good times. Let’s begin …
Our story begins with Kaitlyn arising from her giant bed in her giant mansion, and telling us in voiceover: “Waking up this morning as the bachelorette was so surreal.” Was it also surreal that you slept with your bra on underneath your tank top, and that your hair was perfectly done up, and makeup too? They literally showed a shot of her “rising ” out of bed and doing that phony “yawn and stretch” thing that people do in mattress commercials. Next, she went and stood by the window, where she longingly pondered life as she gazed out the window. Finally, she meets up with Daddy Host Harrison outdoors, where they discuss the fact that in night one, she has already kissed more than 2 men. Meanwhile, at Testosterone Mansion, the men are shirtless and drinking coffee and mimosas. Pointless Host Harrison comes on over to tell the men “Here’s how it’s gonna work, men. There will be 2 group dates, and one solo date. ” He leaves the first group date card and rides away to masturbate with a rose in the Fantasy Suite.
GROUP ORGY # ONE / BOXING DAY:
This group orgy, I mean date, involves Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Kupah, Tanner, Ben with an H initial, Ben with a Z initial, and of course, Kaitlyn. All of them have stupid names. They meet at a warehouse type place, and female boxer Laiala Ali is there waiting. She is going to train them, and then make them fight each other in matches leading up to a winner. Kupah is in his own world and really seems to be enjoying fighting that punching bag. Looks like he has some serious anger to get out. He ignores Kaitlyn almost completely and is the only one of the men who doesn’t come up and chat with her. She notices this. Ben H. is scared to fight and wants his mommy. Daniel the Fashion Designer has to fight Ben with a Z, who has a forest of hairs under his arms. The other Ben fights Dan, and they are beating the crap out of each other, but the punching is very girly. It’s all over the place and with no focus. The final match is Jared and Ben with a Z initial. Jared goes down and everyone flips out, with Kaitlyn saying “I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.” It’s boxing. What did you think would happen? After getting hit hard in the head, the EMTS feel he should go to the hospital, so he does. Everyone is all concerned for about 17 seconds, and then they all forget about him and sit around outside drinking more wine in gigantic wine glasses. Kaitlyn spends one-on-one time with some of the men during this night portion of the date. “Ben Z. is a hunk of meat”, she says to camera. Yeah, he is also a hunk of hair. Under his armpits. Gross. He tells her how his mom died of cancer when he was 14. He opens up to her. Then a different white guy who looks the same as Ben Z. but has a different name also opens up to her, telling her that he has a son. His son’s name is Aeuraleus. Seriously. He should be kicked off and sent home in the sad limo just for that stupid name. While talking with him, or maybe it was a different white guy, Kaitlyn receives a note: “Come downstairs right now. I need to see you.” Well, aren’t you a demanding little thing? It is Jared, the one who got hit in the head. He says he can’t join the party but got permission to have her come meet him in the street for a few minutes. They make out while standing outside. He tells the cameras “It was worth every black eye I got.” Jesus dude, it was like a 3 minute match. How many black eyes did you get??? Kaitlyn goes back inside and gives Ben Z and his armpit hair the group date rose. They kiss more.
Meanwhile, after the group date is over, we return to Alcoholic Mansion where the men are still shirtless for no reason and discussing the group date that just happened. Well, actually, weirdo non-healer Tony is discussing it, and everyone else is staring at him because he is a loon. Tony goes off on a monologue about how he didn’t appreciate having to box for love. “Love is selfless. Not something you fight for with violence and fists. Love is being in the moment. Being present. Having ideas. Love is in my heart, bro.” Nobody knows what the F you are talking about, bro. Then, this was the best part. He goes outside and is talking with one of the other white men, and he refers to Kaitlyn as Britt. He calls her Britt. “I’m here for Britt, and I’m sincere”. White guy: “You mean Kaitlyn.” “Right. Right. Of course. Kaitlyn. Yeah dude. I’m here for her. For sure.” What a phony piece of crap you are, Tony.
ONE ON ONE WITH CLINT AND KAITLYN:
She picks him up in the car and they go for a drive. They go to a Villa on a hillside, to meet up with “Gisele”, a professional conceptual underwater photographer. Apparently taking underwater romantic pictures is all the rage lately in California, so they got all dolled up in suits and dresses and did tons of poses underwater together. They kissed underwater too, and Kaitlyn thought that was the coolest thing ever. Later on, they had dinner together and talked. This dude is so boring and dull, I literally recall nothing that was said on this date. He looks like a cheesy character from a Disney film. He looks like he is made out of cardboard. They make out a lot more, she gives him the rose, and proclaims this as the “best date of my life.” Really?
GROUP ORGY # TWO / COMEDY FAIL
This group orgy, I mean date, took place at the famous comedy club THE IMPROV. The men were met there by the hilarious comedian Amy Schumer, and she even brought along more comics such as Rachel Feinstein with her, to help these guys write their material. Yes, the men had to write a set and then perform for an actual audience and for Kaitlyn. On this date was: JJ, Jonathan, Joshua, Chris, Ian, Joe, and Tony. Amy talks to Kaitlyn before the men arrive, and they have a funny exchange lightly mocking the show and last season’s Farmer Dull …
Amy: So whats your vibe going into this? Are you saying to yourself, like, I’m not going to kiss anybody?
Kaitlyn: I’ve already kissed everybody.
Amy: (laughs) That’s great. Can you just imagine if you were driving a tractor right now instead of being here , like, um, what happened? That would be hilarious. So, I’m obsessed with this show. I sit home and watch it and judge all of you and say ‘I’m fine. I’m okay.”
Amy then tells cameras: “I love Kaitlyn, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.”
J.J. tells the cameras that he thinks he is a really good comic, and he is going to do really well tonight. He then sits down with Amy and proceeds to show his true colors as a pompous conceited douchebag who loves himself too much. Amy hilariously says to camera: “JJ is a sweetheart. He’s just missing charisma, and humility, and a sense of humor.” He tells Amy: “I feel like I’m smarter than 90% of the audience.” Amy: “You’re not.”
The horrific comedy show begins. Amy does a quick set upfront, then comes Chris the dentist who is extremely nervous about sucking. He gets up there and makes fun of himself sucking, and it goes over well. He comes across as endearing, even though he isn’t hilarious by any means. Up next is weirdo “Healer” Tony, who literally does not even attempt HUMOR or jokes at all. It’s like he has no idea what a comedy club is, or why he is up there, or what laughter is. This dude takes himself WAAAAY too seriously, and he starts another monologue about: “I’m very grateful to be here tonight. I’m super in touch with my emotions , I’m very intuitive, sensitive,very glad to have this opportunity. Each experience is a learning lesson in life…….” Midway through his lecture, the audience starts cracking up like crazy because of what a loon he is and the things he is saying. He doesn’t get the joke at all and finally exits, stage left even. They show us tiny pieces of each of the men’s sets, which is probably for the best. Kaitlyn again says that this is the “best date ever.” Wow, you forgot about Clint pretty fast there. Now it’s time for some one-on-one time with some of these hilarious men . (sarcasm)
First up is good ole Tony the Healer. They go off together moments after he tells the other men: “I’m not here for her. I’m here for US. My feelings matter too. ” Outside with Kaitlyn, he talks her ear off about their supposed great connection. She stares at him blankly as he goes on and on and on: “we have connected on a level I’ve been craving. Youre like a combination lock, as opposed to a key turn. You gotta turn it a little this way, little that way, little this way, little that way, little this way ………” ALRIGHT ALREADY!!! WE GET IT!!! She literally says nothing in response to his brilliant simile.
Up next is douchey J.J., who I just noticed is a “Former” Banker. So … unemployed. They kiss a lot, which is extremely gross, as you can hear the spit moving back and forth in their kissing. He kisses wet and loud and messy. Yuck. They talk about his 3-year-old child, and Kaitlyn is smitten by his sweetness. Gag.
Then, minutes later, Kaitlyn is standing up against some wall of some building somewhere outside with Joe, and they are making out hard-core. She tells cameras: “It was hot. ” His hair looks like a cactus and his accent is bizarre. Despite the massive kissing, gross J.J. gets the rose .
COCKTAIL PARTY AND DRAMA:
So, JJ has a rose already, but he IMMEDIATELY takes Kaitlyn aside for some MORE one-on-one time with her , the second the party begins. All the men are upset at him and dislike him when he does this, because they had just agreed to give those with no roses their time first. Once he talks with Kaitlyn, he says to camera: “Im feeling smugness wrapped in cockiness wrapped in confidence inside of ‘I just talked to the girl and you didnt.'” Wow. Thats mature. He and the rest of the men continue to argue like petty pre-teens.
Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is now outside again with Ian. He tells her his story about being a runner and getting hit by a car, being in a coma, and everything he has been through. He tells her he knows he can get through anything now, and she tells cameras:”Im beside myself with what he makes me feel. Its attractive.” They kiss too.
Meanwhile, Healer Tony who can’t heal shit, and JJ, are pissing each other off royally. Tony takes everything way too seriously, and starts getting all upset over JJ again. Kupah tells the cameras that he wants to pull Kaitlyn aside and talk to her, because he doesn’t want to be here “as the minority guy to fill some quota.” He sits her down and begins the weirdest conversation ever, talking in circles and making little sense. He talks about their connection, or lack of it, and where it went, and starts asking her all these weird questions. She tells him that she actually felt a connection with him, until right now. She asks him for some time alone and he leaves and proceeds to go 20 feet away outside to blab to the men about their conversation, telling them: “She didn’t even look me in the eye, man. It was really awkward. She said she needed time.” He was talking loudly, then Kaitlyn comes out and says to him: “Wow, you really don’t have a quiet voice, do you?” She pulls him aside and says bluntly: “I gotta let you go.” He refuses to leave the show. “No I don’t wanna go.” He awkwardly sips his alcoholic beverage and chews the ice. She says again “you need to go.” He says “I don’t feel like I should. Youre so pretty. Youre sexy.” She says “I’m more than that. You need to go now.” He takes another sip, and starts to mumble something and walks away finally. “Good luck” he says with no sincerity. Kaitlyn is then inside, and while talking to cameras, she hears him outside yelling and arguing with one of the producers or a cameraman or someone. They are trying to do his “exit interview” , and he isn’t cooperating. He yells at the guy: “Just let me go home, okay? Yeah I’m upset she sent me home. Yeah Im mad I didn’t get a rose. Is that what you want? Let me leave …..” Things get a bit more intense, and then ……..
TO BE CONTINUED …….
But we all know whats going to happen. He won’t be staying much longer. He is black, and all the black guys usually leave by week 3. Every single season.
NEXT WEEK: Tony still hasn’t healed anyone or anything. JJ still isn’t funny. Clint is an animated Disney freak. Kaitlyn kisses 34 more men who aren’t even on the show.