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‘The Bachelorette’ Review: Hey Douche-bag, You Wanna Take it Outside?

Well, all I can say is that the end of the world must be near. There is simply no other explanation for the fact that:

A: There were TWO, 2-hour episodes, on two separate nights, of this shit-show this week.

B: Almost every single second of both 2-hour episodes of The Bachelorette, totaling FOUR HOURS OF MIGRAINE-INDUCING, NIGHTMARISH SOUL-NUMBING STUPIDITY, centered around Chad. “Who the hell is Chad?” asked nobody. “Is he the Bachelorette?” asked nobody again.

No, he is not.

He is one of the many douche-bags left living in Testosterone Mansion, vying for the Bachelorette’s love and her hand in a marriage that usually lasts somewhere in the range of 2 to 7 months. Chad sits around the mansion, shirtless, with his reddening skin and veins popping out of every crevice, drinking protein shakes and eating various random food objects, as well as working out and lifting weights about 14 times per hour. When he isn’t doing that, he is talking about or threatening to beat the crap out of one of the other douche-bags in the house that want to marry this woman who has THE most nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying voice of all time. The best part of all of this, is the fact that this Chad person is so obviously mentally unstable, and borderline dangerous – yet, instead of this show actually GETTING HIM THE FUCK OUT OF THERE, so that, you know, nobody actually gets hurt – they just keep the cameras rolling as multiple people, including their heroine JoJo, are scared for their lives. Because, that, my friends, is what gets the ratings. Who cares if someone dies in the process, right? Right. It’s all for the “journey” of finding love. If you manage to get through the review I’m about to write, you are a tremendously patient person. I’m not joking when I say I have 24 pages of notes written out for this review. I could have driven home or taken the Amtrak train from NYC to Boston to visit mom and dad, in the time it took me to watch FOUR HOURS of this silly-ass show. Just sayin. But I digress. Let us begin ……

We start this week’s “journey” outside the mansion, where sounds of pleasurable groaning and moaning are heard in stereo. Is it the lust and passion of JoJo with one of the men? Nope. It’s Dim and Dimmer, (Chad and Canadian Dan) who are lifting weights and making sounds like they are in ecstasy. Their moans echo throughout the mansion as they only stop to admire one another’s latest vein popping, or to take a sip of whatever unidentifiable sledge is in their cup this time. After their sweat-fest is over, they go into the kitchen and start counting calories out loud as they prepare their shakes. Host Chris Harrison comes in and tells the bros that there will be 3 dates this week: 1 group, and 2 one-on-ones. He leaves the first Date Card, which is a one-on-one for Chase. Chad tells cameras that him and JoJo are “killin’ it together. I’m not worried. She’s saving me for last.”

YOGA FAIL:

Chase and JoJo go on their date, which is at a Yoga Studio. The instructor gives them a private and very personal session in Hot Yoga. Chase notes that “it’s about 110 degrees in here”. The instructor lies on the floor and demonstrates moving the pelvis up and down while yelling “HEY! HEY! HEY!” Why? To feel like a complete asshole, I guess. Either that, or it was something about chakras, I forget. Anyway, JoJo is finding this ridiculous, and trying not to laugh. Next, the instructor makes the pair do something called an “anger-gasm”, where you lie on the floor and have a little tantrum like an infant. Again, the purpose of this escapes me. They do more weird stretching, and then they are told to sit together, with JoJo mounting Chase. She is in his lap, their “hearts and 3rd eye are in alignment.” I’m quite sure something else in Chase’s pants is also in alignment, with the ceiling. They stare at each other longingly, and finally, they start kissing.

Later, they have dinner together, and like always, nobody touches one bit of their food. They talk about their Yoga session, and JoJo tells him that he made her feel so safe and protected, as if the instructor was putting them in some sort of danger or something. For some reason, Chase chooses this moment to tell JoJo his life story about how his parents divorced when he was young, and how for him, marriage is soooooo serious. Then she tells cameras how its sooooo attractive to her that he takes marriage so seriously and values it. While they are both yammering on and on about how serious marriage is, ON NATIONAL TV on a contest show where you eliminate people until you choose your spouse, all I can think to myself is: “IS ANYONE GOING TO EAT THE MASSIVE PILES OF DELICIOUS LOOKING SWEET AND SOUR CHICKEN AND YUMMY VEGGIES AND RICE ON THESE PLATES? Where is Chad when you need him? If he was on a one-on-one date, it would be the first time ever that someone actually ATE their dinner at dinner time. Anyway, Chase gets the rose, and she says she is very excited about him. Meanwhile, I’m trying not to fall asleep because the dude is so dull. It’s like a chore for him to say words. They go outside and there is yet another private concert from some country artist named Charles Kelley. (Who?) They make out. He says to cameras while pointing to his heart: “She makes this space feel good.” GAG!!!! She says this is the start of something amazing. And then the producers throw out the chicken.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT MUSCLE MANSION:

The next date Card has arrived, and Eyebrows Ali gets up and reads it. With each name he reads off for the Group Date, his brows grow larger and thicker. “Jordan. Grant. Wells. James F. Christian. Me! Dan. Vinny. Nick. Evan. Alex. Chad.” Holy shit! Is this a Group Date or a hockey team? After the Date Card is read, the first of MANY insipid conversations in the house takes place. It goes something like this:

Chad: I don’t even wanna go. Just let you all go and wait for my time alone.
Jordan: Can you say that one more time, I’m not sure I heard you correctly.
Chad: I don’t wanna go with 12 guys. That’s too many guys.
Bland Man: (no clue which of them said this) As opposed to the 20 last night, or the 26 last week? You realize that is what this is, right? So you’d rather not have time with her?
Chad: Not with 12 guys, no.
Derek: (whining) My next chance with her is at the cocktail party. Id take any opportunity to be with her.
Chad: That’s not my problem.
James Taylor: It IS your problem! I don’t like that. Be thankful man. Act thankful.
Bland Man: Just cross your name off the list then. Don’t go.
Erectile Dysfunction Evan: (says one thing) Is there a Sharpie?
Chad: Evan, STOP TALKING!!!
Jordan: Whatever team Chad is on, I hope its bench presses and not spelling content. (ED laughs like a schoolgirl)
Chad: Wait, what? You tryin’ to insinuate that I’m stupid, Jordan?
Jordan: No, um, no. You just – nothin’ really comes out of your mouth.
Chad: You’re a 27-year-old failed football player. You’ve done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather.
Alex: I think its clear that there’s a solid 25-year-old piece of shit stinking over there. (whats with all the ages?)
Chad: Yeah? Well there’s a 25-year-old BITCH sitting right there.
Alex: Try me, bro. Try me. Yeah, I’m real scared of you, dude.
Chad: You wanna go? (points outside)

During this manly exchange, Canadian Dan and Limp Dick Evan are giggling like schoolgirls. Someone says “this is awkward”, and someone else “that escalated quickly.” Chad leaves the room and nothing happens.

GROUP ORGY (Date) TALES OF SEX:

So after the massive tension at the mansion involving Chad, the 12 men all pile into the gay-mobile limo together to go and meet JoJo for their 12 on 1 insanity. JoJo takes them to a theatre, where a show is about to start. They sit in the crowd and a woman gets onstage and begins with the moaning and groaning and grunting. She talks about her orgasms, and everyone claps. Then the host comes out and says “Welcome to Sex Talks, where we tell real stories of our past sex adventures. ” The men have to go backstage and have 45 minutes to write-up a personal story about something sexual in their life. They are going to be the finale of the show. JoJo says she wants to see what these men are made of. Well, I don’t know, but your voice is made of a cheese-grater grinding back and forth against a frog’s throat. Erectile Dysfunction is “so pumped”, using his penis mataphors again, and he has a plan to get up there and make fun of Chad. Why? I have no idea. He says he wants to mess with him, which really doesn’t seem smart.

Anyway, the men get up one by one and tell their lame stories. Grant talks about his first time and getting stopped mid-way through by a cop (he and his girl were in a park.) Vinny talks about his mom walking in on him. Ewww. Eyebrows Ali kissed a woman with a moustache. Creepy Canadian Dan tells some story about tying a woman up and then using a knife to cut off a piece of her hair. WHAT A FUCKING CREEP. Wells apparently had a threesome, which I don’t believe for a second. I’m sorry. Someone named WELLS does not have a threesome. And then Erectile Evan gets up and starts his story. He tells everyone that he is in the business of E.D. and wants to tell a cautionary tale about what happens when you use steroids. Your dick goes limp. You withdraw from people. Chad’s face is bright red from the crowd, as he knows Evan is talking about HIM. He looks like a murder will take place within seconds. Chad is next onstage, and when he walks past Evan, there is a shove. Chad grabs Evans shirt, pushes him to the side, and walks past him to get to the stage. Then he says he needs JoJo to come onstage with him for his story. She does. He says “Today isn’t about the past. It’s about the future.” Then he tries kissing her onstage, and she pushes away to give him only her cheek. Classic. Alex yells from crowd: “Crash and burn, brother!” and all clap and cheer Chad’s massive failure. When the show ends, JoJo stays in crowd to get their opinions on whose story was best. Meanwhile, backstage, the men were getting into Round two with each other about the antics that happened onstage.

Chad comes into the backstage area, and punches a wall upon entering. Then he walks up to Limp Dick Evan and yells: “You’re gonna fuckin’ die!” E.D. replies with: “It was all in good fun, bro!” Chad disagrees. “Not what you did. Not fun!” The Canadian Douche-bag chimes in with his pointless opinion of: “Hey lets not get physical. Let’s enjoy.” Really? Let’s ENJOY? Enjoy what? Chad now has blood on his fingers from the door punch. He says: “If I can’t lift weights soon, I’m gonna murder someone.” Oh, well that’s comforting. He pretends to touch Limp Dick again on the way out, to which he squeels: “Don’t touch me!”

Clueless JoJo enters the picture later on, sitting with all the men and saying how proud she is of them all for getting up onstage. She takes them aside for private time. Jordan is first, and as he talks to her about opening up his heart to her and being scared and vulnerable, she is smacking her lips together again in that “I’m so horny right now” way that she does. They start kissing. Then she is with James Taylor and Chad interrupts, but JoJo won’t have it. “He just sat down”, she says. Chad leaves and gets pissed off while sipping his sludgy green mixture. Meanwhile, Chad goes over to sit with some of the guys, and this dialogue of brilliance happens:

Erectile: Chad, Chad, I can’t see your face.
Chad: That’s cool. What do you want?
Erectile: Why are you here? Dude, we got into an altercation earlier. You owe me an apology. And you ripped my shirt!
Chad: You’re ridiculous. You’re like , trying to bully me. Stay away. Do your own thing. Stop bumping into me. Stop working out when I work out. Stop cooking when I cook. Just stay away.

Limp Dick just stares at Chad like a beetle with his little beetle eyes, for an awkward amount of time. Chad tells cameras: “There’s a point where there’s nothing left to do but get physical. Evan fucked up already. He has 3 kids. He had his chance at love. Fuck this shit, man.” Everyone clears out of the room.

Meanwhile, JoJo is still talking to different guys one at a time, and Chad keeps walking by in the background with different food items and drinks, making comments about all the men to himself. Finally it’s his turn to talk to JoJo. He starts talking, and it looks like he tried to swallow a cotton swab factory and a few got lodged in his mouth. JoJo asks him what happened with him and Evan, and he tells her that Evan was bullying him. Yes, this tiny little beetle-looking guy with Hermie the Dentist Hair from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” was bullying YOU. Riiiiight. He asks her if she is super confused about him, and she says yes. Limp Dick interrupts them, and Chad says: “Dammit, Evan.” He leaves, and gets pissed off in a corner while munching a piece of meat. Failed Dick gives JoJo an ultimatum of sorts. He tells her that if Chad stays here, he will leave. She says she needs to think about this. At the end of the evening, she pulls Soft Dick aside and tells him: “I’ve loved getting to know you. You are a kind heart. I know you said you’re not comfortable being here if Chad is here, but I’m not comfortable asking him to leave. I want you to stay, and I want to give you this rose, but I’m not sure you’ll accept it. I am going to ask anyway.” Hermie responds with: “Yes, I will TOTALLY accept this rose.” Like, totally! She kisses him, much in the same way you might kiss your Uncle Leo that you see once a year at Thanksgiving. He flips out and acts like it’s the best kiss he has ever received in his life – telling cameras that his kids would be so proud of him. His little dick is so proud and at half mast.

JoJo goes back over to the men with Evan, hand in hand, and he has the rose. She starts talking to them about how much she appreciates them all, and Chad is making the most insane faces at her, like he cannot believe that Moosh Dick just got the rose. She stops and says to him: “Are you good?” He says: “Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now? I’m just curious.” She responds: “What’s the problem, Chad?” He says no problem. Grant comes to the rescue: “I think there is, Chad. You just interrupted her when she was trying to talk.” Chad flips out: “You are actually right now, vibing this dude?” (meaning Oatmeal Dick) JoJo: “Yeah, and I don’t appreciate what you’re doing. You’re being disrespectful, and I don’t like this side of you.” He clenches his teeth and dreams about meat on a stick. She says goodnight to the guys and leaves. Now Chad is super pissed. He rails to camera: “No girl on earth ever chooses Evan for anything, other than to sweep their front yard. Fuck them. Fuck everything!!!!”

That night, Derek is frightened of Chad and his popping veins, since he has the unfortunate luck of having his bed next to Chad’s in the bedroom of dudes. He is scared that Chad might snap, and he feels something needs to be done. Security Guards are called into the home to watch over the bedroom as they sleep, and to roam the house back and forth in a comical manner. Again, this guy is dangerous enough to promote guards, yet they continue to keep him on the show. Because safety means nothing when it comes to ratings, right? This week’s episodes were advertised all week-long as “CHAD-AGEDDON!!!!” 2-night EVENT. So there ya go. This is what is important to this dumb show. They instigate all of this. They supply the endless alcohol, put these hot-heads in a mansion with no internet and no outside world, and let them practically kill each other. Fun.

Chad sees the Security Guards as he munches on another plate of food. He wonders to his friend Dan why they are there. “Really? I’ve never met a group of guys that were so sensitive.” Canadian Douche says: “You’re a grown man. You can take it.” Then Nitwit and Nitwit the Sequel have this dialogue:

Dan: Did you wanna punch Evan last night?
Chad: No I just wanted him to leave me alone.
Dan: Really? He was pretty scared. People think that maybe you’re out of control, eh? You’re like this animal. A loose cannon or something.
Chad: (munching on unidentifiable food item) Huh?
Dan: You punched a door.
Chad: So?
Dan: Like, as the days go on, it’s more difficult for me, because it’s like, if I talk to you, I get, like, dragged down. You’re like, like, like, it’s like, let’s just pretend you’re Hitler …
Chad: Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler.
Dan: Well, let’s just say it, ya know?
Chad: Let’s not say it.
Dan: Okay, well, let’s say you’re Donald Trump or something like that. If I hang out with you, it’s gonna make me look bad too, right? So maybe not be so much like Hitler or Trump. Maybe be more like Mussolini, ya know? We’re just talkin’ like two guys, right?
Chad: (munches cabbage or lettuce or some weird-ass leaf-looking thing and stares at Dan)

A SWINGING TIME FOR JOJO AND JAMES:

So James Taylor, aka Howdy Doody, gets a one-on-one with JoJo, and they go back in time for a Swing Dance lesson. The instructor is a lady in her 90’s, who met her husband on the dance floor. She is very sweet and she teaches them a routine. James is in suspenders, and JoJo is in a pretty dress, and they have a blast together learning the moves, even though James is terrified that he is awful. This man is WAY too nice of a person to be on this show, and I do declare that he will get his heart stomped on by the end of this season. After the lesson, they swing dance outside with a bunch of other couples, and they have a blast. Later that night, they sit in a convertible and look at the moon, and James cannot believe how lucky he is. This man is about to cry, and he is pretty much in tears almost every time he speaks. Tears of gratefulness. He says he cant believe someone like her would ever like a person like him, she says that he is the whole package. He tells cameras: “I’m gaining confidence in myself, when I see how she looks at me.” He plays a song that he wrote for her on his guitar and sings, and she gets all teary-eyed. They make out like teenagers on top of the car, and she tells cameras that he makes her feel a way that she is “not used to feeling.” She gives him the date rose, which means he is allowed to remain alive a bit longer.

BACK AT ALCOHOLIC MANSION:

Oh my god, is this shit over yet??? Nope. We are still in PART ONE of this crap!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!! Please hit me over the head with a tire-iron so I no longer have to watch this debauchery. Okay. So it’s Rose Ceremony night, and the Steroid Twins are working out again, while the others talk about Chad some more. They want to tell JoJo what an ass he is before the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison comes in and tells the guys there will not be a cocktail party tonight – but instead – there will be an all-day pool party with JoJo!!! They all cheer at this exciting news, and Chad eats a forkfull of pie angrily. Chris Harrison leaves the house, and Flacid Penis follows, asking to speak to him. He tells Chris about all the stuff Chad has been doing (as if he doesn’t know, please!) Tells him the guys don’t feel safe around him, and tells him how Chad RUINED HIS SHIRT!!!! (Again with the stupid shirt. Get over it already. He’s like that little kid from the 80’s movie “Better off Dead” who yells: ‘I want my 2 dollars! 2 dollars!”) Chris Harrison and his shades tell Evan that he and the show take this sort of thing very seriously, and that he will step in. He then takes Chad outside and speaks with him. They argue over whether or not Evan pushed Chad or Chad pushed Evan, and then Chris mentions that lots of the guys claim he is on steroids. His response is that he couldn’t have brought any with him, that it would be impossible. So that means, essentially: “Yes I’m on roids, but I couldn’t figure out a way to get that stuff into the mansion.” Chris tells Chad that this is his chance to make things right with the fellas, and that he should go in there and think about an approach that may be received well. The men all wait in the house, hoping that Chad is getting the boot from Chris. Bendy-Straw Dick is chewing his nails by the window like a 12-year-old girl. TO BE CONTINUED …………

CHAD-AGEDDON / PART DEUX:

Chad is pissed. He tells cameras that he is going to “cut everyone’s legs off and then their torsos and throw them all in the pool.” He goes into the mansion, all shirtless and shiny. This dialogue happens:

Chad: Okay, so Chris Harrison wants me to explain the issues we have been having in the house. I’m not here to start anything. I just want you to leave me alone, Evan, don’t push me. I hope the rest of our time can be civil.
Sponge Dick: You owe me a NEW SHIRT, and an apology!!!! (AGAIN with the freakin’ shirt!)
Chad: Oh my god, Fine! I will give you $20, okay? You tried to push me over.
Erectile: You GRABBED MY NECK AND RIPPED MY SHIRT!!!! (Everybody drink each time Evan says the word SHIRT.)
Wells: People feel uneasy in the house with you.
Chad: (drinking anti-freeze or NyQuil, apparently, stares ….)

Again, nothing happens. JoJo pulls up in the car for the pool party. Things start out lovely. They are all shirtless and shiny, they swim, they hot tub, they stare at JoJo in her bikini. They drink, and drink some more. Evan comes out bleeding and JoJo jokes around with Chad, asking if he did it. Turns out good ole E.D. just had a bloody nose. Chad says to cameras: “Apparently he just starts bleeding thinking about me.”

JoJo does the one on one private time with different men again. Her and Chad talk again, and their conversation is just as pointless and confusing as last time. He says that if she is into Evan, then she can’t also be into HIM. “It’s like, do you want steak, or ice-cream?” Huh??? What if I want steak, and then ice-cream for dessert? What kind of dumb-ass question is that? Once again, little annoying Evan interrupts Chad and JoJo, because he is a total pain in the ass, and now Chad is pissed off. Again. He goes and sits on an inflated Swan in the pool and pouts. Everyone JoJo talks with warns her about Chad. Derek tells her there is Security because of Chad. Chad overhears this, and gets even more mad that Derek is talking about him with JoJo. All the men are wearing the exact same tribal looking necklace of some kind, like they are in some weird cult. They are all shirtless with these necklaces on. Chad goes outside while drinking anti-freeze and kicks an inflatable pool Swan in the head.

ROSE CEREMONY:

Lots of men want this to be the end of Chad. It is not. She calls his name last, of course, to build drama where there is none. Christian, Nick, and Eyebrows all go home. They are sad, and Eyebrows entire body turns into one big eyebrow as he gets into the sad limo to go home.

NEMACOLIN IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO FALL IN LOVE:

The gang leaves the mansion for good, and begins going on road trips. First stop is Nemacolin, Pennsylvania, because let’s pick the most random place on earth. Of course, like every place this show goes, it is declared the PERFECT place to fall in love.

LUKE AND JOJO DATE:

So Luke gets the one-on-one date with JoJo. They go outside and into a wood-fire hot-tub with champagne and strawberries. JoJo loves that he is a “GQ looking model type.” Wow, that’s deep. The hot tub proves to be so hot they can barely sit in it, but they laugh the day away and bond over some kissing. Then it’s time for the night portion of the date – another romantic dinner where nobody eats a damn thing. He tells her about his life in the military as a Leutenant, and how he lost a friend in combat in Afghanistan. THey kiss a lot, then they kiss some more in public, onstage during a Dan and Shay concert in front of the whole crowd. Because that’s normal. She gives him the rose, and quite a bit of her tongue.

GROUP ORGY NUMERO DOS: (I mean … Date)

The Group Date takes place at Football Stadium, with the help of 3 pro players. They put the men through a series of exercies like running, tackling, throwing passes. Then they split into two teams and have to play each other in a game. Winning team gets the rest of the date with JoJo while losing team goes home. James Taylor starts bleeding mid-game and needs stitches, but hangs tough to finish. Evan gets yet another nosebleed like a 5-year-old. He sits in the corner and drinks his Juice Box. The Blue team wins, and the White team joins Luke, Alex, and Chad back at the house.

The winners and JoJo have a cocktail party. Robby is falling for JoJo, and they kiss on top of a pool table. JoJo tells cameras: “He is a man.” Why, yes he is. How very observant. Really? Then she kisses Derek too. Then James. Then Jordan tells her he is falling for her, and she kisses him. I’m guessing she also kissed Chris Harrison too. She gives the rose to Jordan.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the 2 on 1 Date card arrives, and, surprising no one, it pins Alex against Chad. The men all get into an epic argument, again, stemming from nothing. This brilliant conversation takes place:

Chad: From now on, who here has a problem with me? (all raise hand) Okay, you, you , you, don’t talk to me. Ever. (drinks his mud in a cup)
Alex: She wants to see a real man. We are polar opposites.
Chad: Yeah. You’re a whiny little bitch.
Alex: I can’t wait to see you go home. You just showed the whole world who you are. (Dan is giggling in the corner)
Chad: You wanna take it outside right now? (What is this, the old West?)
Alex: If you ever come at me like you did the other night, I will lay you out.
Grant: Someone asks you a question, you walk away. Say 2 words and walk away. You’re a coward.
Chad: YOU wanna go outside????
(Nobody goes outside.)
Chad: I’m done.
(Leaves. Nobody goes outside.)
A BIT LATER…….
Jordan: Hey Chad, you wanna join the conversation over here?
Chad: No, I’m good.
Jordan: Of course. Walk away like always.
Chad: You think this is just a show? That you’re safe for now. When this ends, you go home. And you think I can’t come find you when you go home. You think I won’t come to your house?”
Jordan: You think I’m scared of you?
Chad: I think you should be.
(shot of E.D. Evan wetting his pants in the corner)
Jordan: Alright tough guy. please come find me.

Nothing happens. They all sit way too close together on giant couch, with Chad sitting in chair behind them.

MOST AWKWARD 2 on 1 DATE OF ALL TIME:

JoJo meets Chad and Alex in the middle of the woods, because let’s make this as creepy as possible. He helps her and takes her hand as they walk through the woods, and then sit on a blanket together, the three of them. She takes Alex aside first, leaving Chad on the blanket alone. She asks about Chad, and Alex tells her what a douche he is and how he threatened to beat up Jordan just this morning. She is disheartened to find all this out, but she thanks Alex for telling her. Then she has time with Chad. She asks him about his behavior, and he makes it sound like it’s no big deal. He says he hasn’t touched anyone, and he tells her they all push him too far. He says “what am I supposed to do?” She says: “Not threaten to beat people up.” She says she needs to think and leaves him. He goes back to where Alex is, and they sit side by side on the blanket like a couple.

Chad: I’m not very happy with you. Life ain’t all blueberries and paper airplanes. (What???)
Alex: We can agree on that. (Huh???)
Chad: So did you just talk about me the entire time? It’s unfortunate I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.
Alex: That is all you do. You have to get violent.
Chad: You are so angry. Have a glass of milk. Chill out. (WTF?)
Alex: No. I don’t like milk. (What the …. )
Chad: You should. It’s delicious. (Is this real dialogue?)

JoJo comes back finally. She asks Chad one more time if he really threatened Jordan earlier. He says that maybe he might have said something to that effect. She says she does not like violence and she gives the rose to Alex. She says: “I’m going to say goodbye to you right here”, probably so he won’t beat the living crap out of them both, and her and Alex walk off together hand in hand, leaving Chad alone. Chad to nobody: “Am I getting pranked right now?” Alex and JoJo kiss, and they walk hand in hand to a cabin for the rest of their date. She expresses to Alex that she is so relieved that is over with, and she is happy they no longer have to deal with Chad.

JUST THEN………..

A man comes into the mansion and removes Chad’s luggage from the house, indicating to the men that Chad is the one being sent home. They break out the champagne and celebrate his departure. They toast and laugh and cheer. And then, there is a knock and a scratch at the door.

It’s CHAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And he is coming for the heads of every man in the mansion ………

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEXT WEEK:

Chad eats a human head for protein.

JoJo makes out with an inflatable pool Swan.

Limp Dick Evan finally gets erect at the sight of Chris Harrison shirtless.

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