Well, kids, here we are in Week 2 of the nonsense known as The Bachelorette, and I’m already thinking of hitting myself over the head repeatedly with a 2 by 4. It would certainly be less painful than watching this insanity that is on my television screen. In week two of the debauchery there are 20 “men” left in Testosterone Mansion, all vying, whining, punching, fighting, and drinking over this “woman” that they are all “falling in love with” and have known for all of 27 seconds. The alcohol is flowing freely, and this week, the douche-baggery whose name is CHAD, is in rare form. He begins by making a toast in the house with all the dudes: “A toast to JoJo and life. Fuck all you guys, I’m gonna make her my wife.” He laughs at his dumb toast humor, and all the guys in the house begin their mission of hating him. He says to camera: “I can do better than any of them with everything. Once she goes out with me, she’ll see I’m way better than all the other guys.” He then goes outside, puts a suitcase between his thighs, and starts doing pull-ups as the other men watch and mock him. Later, Head-Douchebag / Host Chris Harrison comes in and explains there will be 2 group dates and 1 one-on-one Date this week. He leaves the first Date card, and exits to go continue masturbating in the Fantasy Suite with a wilted rose.
GROUP ORGY (I mean … Date) IS ON FIRE:
The limo shows up in front of the mansion, and it immediately bursts into flames. All the men run outside, to see whats going on, and nobody does anything. Even Grant, who is ACTUALLY a firefighter in real life, just stands there. Chase wonders aloud: “Is JoJo in there? Should I go get help?” They all stand there frozen , as if struck by lightning. If JoJo WAS in there, she would be dead now. Great job, guys. But of course, JoJo is not in there. This is just one more lame tactic by this show to create drama where there isn’t any. A fire truck pulls up, JoJo jumps out looking all sexed-up in her bunker gear, and proceeds to put the flames out with her long hose. All the men applaud, and then she steals some of them away for their group date, which is at a Firefighting Training Facility. Once they arrive, the Fire Chief explains they will be put through the ringer with a series of tests to see how they would be as real firefighters, having to “save” JoJo in an emergency situation. Since Grant is an actual firefighter, he better win all these challenges, or he will never be able to show his face back at work again. The men get into gear and JoJo starts licking and smacking her lips together because that is what she does when she gets all horny. Daniel, the “Canadian”, says to camera: “The last time I pulled a hose like that was when I was back home at my apartment.” Really? A joke about you masturbating at home? Who wants to picture that right now? Ewwww. Meanwhile, Wells (dumbest name ever) is a guy with a small body and an even tinier head, and he is having trouble getting through all of the exercises and challenges. When he looks as if he will pass out, the Chief sends EMS over to look at him and give him water. JoJo follows and sits with him, which of course makes the other guys jealous. This is their brilliant dialogue while sitting together:
Wells: I’m about to faint.
JoJo: Awwww, don’t faint.
Wells: I always feel that way around you. Like I’m about to faint.
Meanwhile, back at Testosterone Mansion, the remaining men not on the Group Date are writing a song and practicing it in the house. It is a song about JoJo and it is god-awful. James plays his guitar and leads everyone along as if they are the goddamn Von Trapp family, and they wail out their awful lyrics of: “Oh JoJo!!!! JoJo!!! Where did ya go?? JoJo!!!! JoJo!!!” Could someone please hit me in the head again with that 2 by 4? Thanks. Chad does not approve of the singing, and he does not participate. Instead, he stays in the kitchen making his 15th protein shake of the day and munching on every single piece of food in the house, while mocking them for their collective immaturity.
BACK TO THE ORGY (Group Date):
The fire chief chooses 3 men from the group to race one another through a series of challenges, ending in “saving” JoJo, who is in distress on the roof of a large building. He chooses Grant, Luke, and Wells – because they didn’t kill him the first time a few minutes ago, so let’s traumatize him and his tiny head a second time, shall we? First men to the top of the roof wins the challenge, and more time with JoJo on the date. So the three men race – chopping wood running with hoses, knocking doors down with axes – and poor Wells struggles to get through it with his tiny head. In the end, Grant wins, of course. He IS an actual firefighter, after all. He reaches the rooftop and takes JoJo in his arms, carrying her out to safety. All the men pout and whine as they see them together, and Luke, who came in second place, is very dramatic into camera: “The line between victory and defeat is so thin.” Ah, yes, Luke. Yes it is. Grant and JoJo use their private time to kiss a lot, and then JoJo joins all the men and does a toast to them. Now it is the night-time portion of this orgy, where each dude gets some time with her and then she gives out the group date rose. She pulls Wells aside and told him she loved his energy today. Her time with Erectile-Dysfunction Evan was lame as hell, with him and his mop for hair saying: “I’m the only one here who has kids!” And her response: “THAT’S AMAZING!!!!” Really? Is it? Luke and her go to the rooftop. He asks her “Do you want to wear my jacket?” She says “No. Just want a hug. Mmmmmmm”. Then she smacks her lips together and attacks him with a make-out session. Man, she wants him BAD. He says to camera: “That’s the way first kisses are supposed to go. I really want that rose.” But alas, he does not get it. Wells and his tiny head get the rose. Luke is confused and baffled. “I thought we had a clear connection”, he muses to camera. Ah yes, dear Luke. But the line between victory and defeat is oh, so thin, isn’t it?
DEREK AND JOJO AND CHOICES:
“In life, you have to make a lot of choices, and I feel like you can learn a lot about someone by the choices they make.” Ah yes, JoJo. That is deep. But do you really feel that way, or is that the line the producers gave you to read into the camera about your date with Derek? Either way, these two wacky kids go on an adventure in a car, where they are given a series of choices/decisions to make, in order to determine what their date will end up being. Riding along, their first choice is SKY or SEA. They decide sky. They get to the destination, and then choose NORTH or SOUTH. They choose north. That brings them into a private jet, which lands in San Fransisco. Their next choice is Golden Gate Bridge or Lombard Street. They choose the bridge, and have a picnic by the water with a view of the bridge. She says her next decision is easy, and kisses him.
Meanwhile, back at Muscle Mansion, Dumb and Dumber (Chad and Daniel, who is from Canada) have the stupidest conversation known to humanity, which goes a little something like this:
Chad: Yeah, dude, you gotta watch the nice guys, man. They have an agenda.
Daniel: Yeah man. I agree. Yeah.
Chad: They all think that I’m the asshole, ya know? But I’m not. I’m like, the nice one, even though I come across as the asshole. But them – those nice dudes, they are assholes.
Daniel: Yeah man. I totally agree.
Chad: Like, if you were making a protein shake with all the dudes here in this house, and you, like took them all and blended them up, right? If you blended it up …….
Daniel: Yeah. What would you get?
Chad: It would be, like, you’d have, like, that shake would have, like …zero chance. Like, nothing. (WHAT THE FUCK)
Chad: Dude, I knew you were cool the minute I met you.
Daniel: I knew you were cool too. But I have, like, really good intuition, ya know? HIGH FIVE.
BACK TO DEREK AND JOJO:
The night portion of their date begins. This is the part where the couple usually has a romantic dinner at a table set up in the middle of nowhere outside , and neither person ever eats anything on their plate, ever. NEVER. She asked him about past relationships, and he was hesitant at first to tell. Then she opened up about her and Ben from last season, and how much it hurt when he said he loved her but then didn’t choose her. He then feels all comfy to open up in return, and tells her about how his last girlfriend hurt him by being with someone else. “I was ready for marriage, and then there was another person in her life. I closed myself off for a while.” So, of course, the next logical thing to do after such a traumatic breakup, is go on national tv to find love, right? Right. She gives him the rose, and they kiss more. Then they kiss more again by a waterfall . He seems much too innocent and nice for this show, therefore I predict right now he will get his heart shred to a million little pieces by JoJo.
GROUP ORGY (Date) NUMERO DOS: ESPN AND DOUCHE-NATION:
So group date number two gets in full swing, and Alex says to camera: “I’m going to have to spend today with a super-douche. Chad is toxic.” The group of men and JoJo go to ESPN studios, where the show “Sports Nation” is filmed, and they are joined by the two co-hosts, Max and Marcales. The hosts tell the men that they will be competing on their own version of the show, called “Bachelor Nation.” They will be scored and analyzed, and then JoJo will decide the winner for the day. The first challenge to see who is worthy of some JoJo love, was a Touchdown Dance that they each had to come up with on the spot and do in front of everyone. What on earth that proves, I have no idea, but it sure was incredibly humiliating to watch. The second challenge involved each guy being spun around 10 times with a ring in his hand, then he had to stumble over to JoJo and propose to her. Each guy went one by one and had their own version of cheesy proposals. Chad did not approve, calling them all fake and phony. “I’m surrounded by children, playing games. They’re all here as a joke.” When its Chad’s turn to propose, he gives her a half-assed: “Will you marry me?” with a shrug of non-enthusiasm. She says to him: “Well what are all the things you love about me?” He replies: “I feel like in that moment, you should already know that.” Followed by: “Startin off a little naggy here.” Yeah. Calling her a nag – not exactly the most romantic proposal in history. To camera: “She wants a man. Not someone who is gonna kiss her ass. ” The last round is a Press Conference, where each guy sits next to JoJo and is asked questions by “reporters” that they answer in front of her. One of the questions is who should JoJo NOT choose today, to which all the guys say a resounding CHAD!!!! He says: “Why? Cuz I don’t suck up? You all are so fake. How can you say you love her and you’re into her? You don’t even know her.” For some stupid reason, JoJo seems to LIKE his moronic behavior, and the fact that he is so damn dis-interested in her. She tells cameras “He is so honest. I like that about him.” Oh, yuck. He is a douche canoe. The co-hosts rank the men, and they come up with the Top 3. They rank the men in order as JAMES, CHAD, and ALEX. None of the guys can believe that Chad is in the Top 3, and they continue to hate him and comment about how much he eats in the house, because it’s the only thing they can think of to say.
NIGHT TIME MADNESS:
During the night-time portion of the date, JoJo first takes James aside, who is like Howdy Doody, but even more GOLLY GEE innocent. He reads her something that he wrote about her, which is really sweet and way too nice for this silly-ass superficial show. Part of it says: “I want something real. I think that something is you.” Okay, it’s not Shakespeare, but its sweet. She cries as he reads it, and then tells him she is honored, and really glad he is here. Then he kisses her. Next up, Chad and JoJo talk, and of course, he shows her his sweet side by telling her about his mom that died 6 months ago. She is so very moved, and thinks its AMAZING that he is on the show after going through that. They make a wish in the wishing pond together, and then they make out. He tells cameras: “I’m starting to develop real feelings for her, and that is so unlike me.” Every guy tells cameras that if Chad gets the rose tonight, they will start rethinking their life. Well, that’s a bit dramatic, but maybe you should start doing that anyway if you are on this stupid show. Not that it matters, because Douche Chad does not get the rose. Howdy Doody does. And he is shocked. “Oh my!!!! Oh wow. My goodness. Thank you!!!” He looks like he might cry. Chad does not approve.
COCKTAIL PARTY AND COLLECTION OF DOUCHE-BAGS:
Beginning of evening, Chad is missing from the mansion. He is sitting out front waiting for JoJo to pull up to the mansion in the limo. He waits there for her with a drink, and greets her as she gets out. He asks her to go for a walk. They walk awkwardly, he kisses her awkwardly, and she awkwardly says “Oh. Thank you.” You never want to hear a half-assed “thank you” after you kiss someone. It’s just weird. When the two walk into the house together, the men are beyond pissed off. The guys confront Chad like a bunch of gang-members. It was like he was on trial for something. Seriously one of the dumbest and most pointless dialogues ever in the history of life.
ALEX: Whats up with what just happened out there?
CHAD: I was getting some air.
ALEX: Oh, really. Getting some air, huh? Did you happen to see JoJo out there while you were getting this air?
CHAD: Yes, I happened to see her. She approached me as I was getting said air. (as he laughs and eats cheese)
ALEX: Hmmm. It just seems odd that you would get that chance, to see her alone, before she came inside.
CHAD: (who is now eating a meatball on a stick) Was just getting some air, bro.
At this point, the men disperse a bit, and Chad goes back inside to grab a ginormous plate of food. All the men comment on how much he eats in the house. Vinny, who hasn’t had a line of dialogue until right now, wonders: “Is he here for the free food, or to find love?” Grant agrees, saying: “Chad has consumed enough food tonight to feed an entire class of kinder-gardeners, or maybe even fourth grade!” (what an odd statement, breaking it down by grade) Alex adds: “He just chews with his mouth open and laughs. He is just meat and protein. Meat and protein. ” Chad finds it hilarious that all the guys are obsessed with talking about him so much. “I can’t make it one lap around the house without hearing my name”, he observes, while chomping another meatball on a stick.
But that’s only the beginning of the Chad Chronicles. Things get worse very quickly, because people like to drink alcohol very quickly, and walk around shirtless for no reason, and then they threaten to fight each other, because they are MEN, of course. As Alex is talking with JoJo, Chad approaches and interrupts him. Alex to camera: “It is something out of a horror film, in my perspective, that he came up and interrupted the small time I had with her.” A horror film??? Really? Do we exaggerate much? Chad takes her away and tells her that he “actually thought” about her, which was different for him. She says “Oh. That’s good.” She laughs nervously, then tells him that she is still trying to figure him out, and sends him on his way to eat more meatballs on a stick.
Later that night, everyone gets all testeron-y about Chad’s behavior again, and they confront him. They circle around him outside like vultures, and they start in on him as he eats a pineapple slice followed by some cheese and then perhaps mini-frankfurters. “You’ve been crushin’ the food, dude. And getting some extra time in. And smiling about that cuz it seems like you don’t care.” He responds with: “I don’t care. I don’t care about you guys.” Finally it fizzles out a bit, and Chad talks to the cameras. “They confronted me about nothing. ‘Oh we are a bunch of butthurt dudes who are going to confront you slightly.’ It was like ‘West Side Story’ man. Bunch of dudes just surrounding me. It was like the Care Bears telling me they’re gonna kick my ass.” He goes and has another therapy session with his buddy Daniel, the “Canadian” muscle-meat #2. Their brilliance astounds me.
Next up, Chad decides to interrupt Erectile-Dysfunction Evan, whose dick probably goes limp at the very thought of losing precious time with JoJo. ED Evan sheepishly leaves JoJo, and then regrets it instantly. “I should have pushed harder with him.” He goes back to the circle of men, and tells on Chad, at which point Alex comes to the rescue. “If someone isn’t willing to stop Chad’s behavior, than Chad will have the entire night with her.” So manly Alex approaches manly Chad in the middle of the woods as Chad chews on a chicken wing. This brilliance happens:
ALEX: Hey Chad. You’re makin all kinds of moves. Like, move ten. Lots of moves.
CHAD: Fuck you then, man. I gave her time.
ALEX: You just cut off , uh, what’s his name there, Evan. Let guys do what they need to do.
CHAD: That’s what I’m doing, man.
ALEX: It’s weird that you’re always lurking around the corner. Like, go drink a beer or something.
CHAD: Fuck you for real. If you don’t back off, you’re gonna lose your teeth.
ALEX: You think I’m scared of you? You’re the most disrespectful person in this house.”
Yes, this was an actual conversation. No, I have NOT ONE CLUE what on earth these two jackasses were talking about. Yes, these are two “men”, and not two 17-year-old boys. Where’s that 2 by 4 again???
All the men separately tell the cameras that if she keeps Chad, they will RETHINK THEIR LIVES!!! Chad is eating during the rose ceremony, and smirking up a storm. He comments in voiceover about the other men. “She is gonna keep Alex around because she doesn’t want America to think she hates short people.” When she calls Christian’s name, Chad’s thoughts are: “I don’t even know who Christian is. Oh, another short guy. ” Finally, Chad gets the very last rose. Of course. Did you really think she would send him home? He is the only thing on this show that is obnoxious enough to be slightly interesting and get them some ratings. Besides, its funny to watch him slowly eating all the food.
She gets rid of James the “Bachelorette Superfan”, who was pointless, so now he can go back home and hold his “parties” where he watches the show on his couch with 2 other people. She also let 2 other guys go that I have never seen or noticed who they were. Chad proclaims: “I’m not gonna be writing her any songs like these other guys. I’m gonna keep drinking protein shakes, keep eating the food, and keep doing what I do.” Okay then. WTF???
NEXT WEEK: Chad drinks Canadian Daniel’s protein shake in the Fantasy Suite while Chris Harrison watches. At least two people cry, and two more go shirtless. Alcohol is consumed.