Bachelor Review: Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Gone …

 

“Ding dong, the witch is gone. Which old witch? The WIDOW witch!! Ding dong, the widow witch is gone!!!” Or, “Which old witch? The JERSEY witch! Ding dong, the Jersey witch is gone!” But more on that later ….

When we last left Farmer Blank and the rest of the morons at The Bachelor, tacky widow contestant Kelsey had just used her widow card to tell Farmer Boy that her husband had died, and what a tragic and inspiring story she had. After not getting quite enough assurance that she wouldn’t be going home that night, Kelsey then secured her spot on the show further by going into the hallway and having a “panic attack”. Yes, the phrase panic attack is in quotes, because this was absolutely 100% fake. As a widow myself, and as somebody who lost their husband in the same way Kelsey did (suddenly and via massive heart attack), I have had my share of panic attacks since his death. The way she was flailing around and moaning about and wailing, was NOT a panic attack. The women listening from the other room agreed. Becca: “What part of this is real and what part is manipulative?” Carly: “The timing of this is very suspicious. She is full of shit.” Virgin-Whore Kardashian-Ashley: “It’s not FAAAAAIIIRRR!!!”, as she sobs into her fake eyelashes.  She then asks the camera people if they have “paperwork” to prove that Kelsey actually even had a husband in the first place.

EMS arrive at the “scene” at begin giving Kelsey some oxygen. She jokes with one of the medics that “this had better get me a rose tonight”, and then she laughs hysterically like a homicidal maniac. She then takes her act even further by telling the medics she wants to see Chris. The girls overhear this through the walls of Bitch Mansion, and they go insane with anger. Kardashian sobs some more about how unjust it is that she doesn’t also have a dead person story to tell. Chris arrives and sits with Kelsey. She says “I think I was just so overwhelmed with emotions. I didn’t know you were going to tell everyone about our talk, and it was just too much.” He says “You look beautiful.” Huh? That is what you say to someone having a panic attack? (even though it’s not a REAL panic attack – still) She gets up and acts all frail, leaning on him, as he says again “You look great.” Well that’s the important thing here, that she LOOKS good right now. Dummy. They kiss a little bit, and then Kelsey goes back into the other room with the rest of the girls. In the most phony voice of all time, she says “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii guys!!!! I am okay. The emotions were too much, and I fainted.” There is tension in the room as the girls sit around drinking wine in one hand, and holding onto a ridiculous fur-like blanket in the other, as they snuggle on two couches and drink. Britt is snuggling more than the others, because she is ALWAYS physically attaching herself to someone else in the house. Kelsey tells the camera: “I am the woman he is going to fall in love with and marry, and today’s the day that signifies it all.”

ROSE CEREMONY:

So, the rose ceremony that didn’t happen at the end of last week’s episode, happens at the start of this one, due to Kelsey’s silly widow drama. There are tons of shots of Virgin-Whore-Ashley sobbing like a freak into her eyelashes because “it’s not fair!!!! Just because I don’t have a sad story, like, it’s not gonna end well for me!” Kelsey is shown saying “the other girls should be worried. They are wasting their time.” Samantha: “I feel like I havent gotten any time with him.” WHO ARE YOU???? MacKenzie “Its gonna, like, rip me apart if I get sent home tonight. Like, the heartache, that , like, I’ve already had to experience … ” Cardboard-Brain Chris keeps Kelsey, of course. Samantha and MacKenzie get let go. I think Samantha holds the record for being on the show the longest amount of weeks with the smallest amount of airtime. Seriously, WHO IS SHE??? They NEVER showed her , ever. MacKenzie is just weird, so now she can go home and keep asking everyone if they believe in aliens. Meanwhile , the reaction to Kelsey staying is not a positive one. Carly refers to her as the black widow, while Kaitlyn angrily states “I wanted to punch Kelsey right in the teeth holder. It’s not about your sad story anymore. It’s about you being a shitty human being.” Aint that the truth …….

DEADWOOD IN DEADWOOD:

BIG & RICH, CHRIS SOULES, KAITLYN, BRITT, WHITNEY, JADE

So the gang goes to Deadwood, South Dakota, which is “the perfect place to fall in love.” Britt reads the date card in her hoodie and unwashed hair to the rest of the girls, and the one-on-one date is for Becca, even though Kelsey feels that she is the one who “deserves it.” She tells the camera “You see this face? Not happy right now.”

Becca and Farmer Nothing go horseback riding through the trails of Deadwood. He thinks she looks hot on the horse, and they have a grand ole time together. Later, they hang out at a campfire eating and drinking and laughing together. Becca notes that Chris has the funniest laugh, and she laughs at his laugh because it is so funny. They both giggle a lot over things that don’t seem all that funny. Chris tells camera “Tonight is fantastic because Becca is …. fantastic.” Wow dude. That’s deep. They talk about past relationships and communication. He says that he is, like, really , like, good at communicating. Becca tells the cameras she has never felt this way about anyone. She gets the rose, and they share their first ever kiss. Apparently , of the girls left, she is the only one he hadn’t kissed. What a man-whore he is.

BACK AT BITCH MANSION:

Three of the girls approach Widow Kelsey about her fakeness. Whitney asks her why she laughs at weird and inappropriate times, to which Kelsey says she does no such thing. Carly points out that Kelsey told medics she better get a rose because of the panic attack. Kelsey manufactures some more fake tears on the spot, and starts wailing on and on about “I have never had a panic attack before in my life – it was terrifying.” Carly tells her she is not a nice person and that they are seeing a different side to her than what she shows Chris. She again comes back with the phony “I’m not sure why you would say that. I have so much respect for all of you , genuinely.” Then, to camera: “I get it. I am blessed with eloquence, and I am articulate and I use a lot of big words, because I am smart. I came here to win this. ” GAG!!!! Then , to girls again: “I’m so glad we had this little talk, so now I can be more mindful. ” She is the very definition of phony and condescending. Yuck.

GROUP ORGY (Date):

Britt, Jade, Whitney, Carly, Meghan, and Kaitlyn are all on the group mess with Farmer Blah. He wants them to experience his love of country music, so they are joined by country group Big and Rich (who must desperately need some press right now to do this dumb show), to write and then perform love songs for Chris. Yuck-a-roo. Jade is very nervous, as she doesn’t want to be vulnerable and write lyrics and have them not be any good. Big , or Rich, or one of them, I am not sure which one – takes her hand and runs down the streets of Deadwood with her, making her yell silly things like “I am gonna speak my song!” and ” I can do this!” They look like a couple of weirdos, but apparently this pointless exercise is helpful because she thanks him for making her feel better about the song. Then she goes back into the country bar where people are writing, and Britt and Chris are at the bar kissing and holding each other. Jade gets upset all over again, thinking “its hard to write a love song about somebody when he is clearly into somebody else.” They go up one by one and perform. To make them feel better , Chris goes first and performs a terrible song about being the bachelor. It is purely awful, off-key, and humiliating. He rhymed the words “prairie” and “marry”, just to give you an idea of the trainwreck we are talking about here. His singing sounded like small animals were being tortured, and his lyrics were simpler and more basic than a “roses are red” poem. Britt sang some gritty thing about “I hear sweet music when I’m with you”, and Chris looked at her like it was the most genius thing he had ever heard. He says he was “borderline bawling.” Jade does fine with her nerves, and Carly clearly gives the best and most heartfelt performance, since she is a cruise ship singer, after all. Her lyrics are the least basic, and she has him sit next to her on the stage and sings intimately to him.

Later that night, they all toast to their terrible songs, and then Chris spends some one on one time with the girls seperately. Jade and him share kisses. Kaitlyn expresses fear of the unknown in this process. Chris takes Britt aside and tells her to ‘just trust me” and they run across the street. The girls are all wondering where they are. They walk into the middle of the Big and Rich concert, and they go stright into the audience. Big and Rich call them up onstage, and Chris gives Britt the rose onstage during the concert, in dramatic fashion, They dance onstage and kiss to the music. The girls are pissed off and wondering where the hell he went off to. When they return hand in hand and Britt has the rose, the awkwardness and tension is uncomfortable. Some girls get up and leave. Chris tries to make the situation better, but he sucks at talking, so he fails. “Umm I uhhh… as you can see …. so… I uhhh… Britt got the rose but that doesn’t … take away anything……… umm…… about today ……… you know so I ………. yeah.” Carly sobs in the bathroom “I feel so stupid!!!” Kaitlyn cries to the cameras “Its just humiliating.” Everyone is a big huge mess over this boring, whitebread Iowa boy with the personality of a paper cup.

DING DONG, THE TWO ON ONE:

Last up is the always dreaded “two on one” date. This is the date where 2 girls go out with the bachelor at the same time, and one stays, while the other gets eliminated. So, Virgin-Whore Ashley and Tacky Widow Kelsey are on the date together, and both are thinking they have the upper hand to camera. Kelsey “Really, its more like a date between me and Chris at this point.” Meanwhile, Ashley is already prepped for Kelsey to go home “I am Glenda, and she is the wicked witch. We are gonna toast when I get back from that date tonight ‘ding dong the witch is gone. I just can’t even …….. ” Cant even WHAT???? I hate that phrase so much. In any case, Chris takes both girls on a helicopter ride to the middle of nowhere, literally. And then there is a romantic bed sitting in the middle of nowhere, outside, for no reason. The two girls sit on the large bed and drink wine and look like idiots, and then Chris spends time with each of them separately. Up first is Ashley Virgin-Whore, and after molesting Chris’s face with forcible, awkward, tongue-attacking kisses, she tells him that everyone in the house thinks that Kelsey is fake. He thanks her for her honestly and then she starts crying AGAIN for no reason. “Why do I always cry when I’m with you? I don’t get it!” She wails. Then she goes back to the bed to sit and sip wine while Kelsey has her turn with Farmer Snooze. He asks her how things are going in the house. She gives a vague answer, and so he presses further, and totally calls out Ashley and tattle tales on her. “Ashley just told me that you are being fake, and that scares me. I need for the person I’m going to marry to be able to be social and get along with other people.” Kelsey puts on her phoniest of emotions and says “I’m sorry, I’m just so …. hurt … right now …that Ashley would say that. I consider her a friend.” HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah right, lady. The two of you are the best of buddies! I don’t think I have seen them have even ONE complete sentence of a conversation, yet, they are “friends.” Sure. After recovering from her fake tear-fest, she tells Chris “I would hate to think that you would throw away our potential because of girl-talk.” She tells the camera “This is a game to her. It is not a game to me. She is a Kardashian who didn’t get to go to her princess date, and who wears way too much makeup to be genuine. I am a woman!!!”

carly-chris-soules-inline

She goes back to the giant bed that sits outside in the middle of the desert for no reason, and sits next to Ashley and begins to stare at her. Ten seconds. Twenty seconds. It’s becoming “Fatal Attraction” and it’s very creepy. Virgin-Whore says nothing for a long time, just sips her wine and stare off into the dust. Then finally Kelsey speaks. “I know what you did.” “What did I do?”, Ashley says. “I know what you did, and I do not appreciate it.” Ashley says “If you don’t think that I’m intelligent enough to see right through you, you are freakin hilarious. ” Kelsey calmly replies “I still respect you.” Ashley mutters “okay” and gets up and leaves. She finds Chris, and takes him off into a corner of dust and desert. Sobbing – AGAIN – she wails to him “Why did you tell her what I said to you???? What did you think she was gonna say?? Why???” Once again, Dumb-ass isn’t exactly a genius with words. He responds: “I mean …. I’m just trying to … you know I couldn’t …. not hear her out, so …… yeah, I told her, like …. that you said she was being fake , but ….. I didn’t … you know ….. I didn’t know ….” She starts sobbing more and more, and whining about the unfairness of everything, and Chris finally tells her that he doesn’t think they are a good match. “I don’t think I could give you the lifestyle you want”, he says. “Oh, so wait …. you think that BRITT wants that life?? Are you kidding me??” She has a  little tantrum in the desert, and just keeps sobbing and snorting and picking at her eyelids and getting the gunk off her lashes. He leaves her there and goes back to Kelsey.

Kelsey is sitting in the giant bed, smiling. He tells her “I just sent Ashley home.” She holds him close and says in the most insincere voice ever “I’m so sorry. It’s a loss.” They talk a little bit, and then he tells her that he cannot give her 110%, and that he thinks they are not a match. She says “Its okay if it’s not me.” He tells her to take care of herself, and then gets up and leaves. He literally gets on the private helicopter and takes off, leaving both girls in the middle of nowhere in this desert. She says “my story is amazing. Its beautiful and tragic and amazing. I will be fine. I rise above it.”

Cut to Bitch Mansion, where the girls have learned that Ashley went home because the staff came in and took away her luggage by the door. The staff comes in a second time, taking Kelsey’s luggage also, and the girls go absolutely mental – breaking into drunk-party mode that Kelsey is gone. Drinks are poured at a furious pace, screaming erupts, and general chaos ensues.

Tune in Next Week when Host Chris Harrison has a nervous breakdown in the Fantasy Suite, and the girls slowly realize that Iowa really sucks.

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