BY DANIELLE STOLMAN (w/Matt Perri
In our last episode of Total Divas, (‘”Feuding Funkadactyls”) (MATT: AKA, “Women Be Trippin’ Because One Refused to Be Shoppin'”), the Divas learned their expectations would often be quite different from their reality:
- Natalya expected her homecoming match in Calgary would be just one of many highlights of a fantastic birthday week. Not only was she booked in a losing tag team match and mocked by both her opponents and Michael Cole, but everything else that week was awful, also. Her fiance, Tyson, abandoned her at a hotel to go stay with his mom in her one-bedroom house. His family insisted she spend every free second with them (and yet she strangely didn’t see any members of her own family in her alleged hometown) and her friend, Jaret, (who she’d obviously friend-zoned years before) didn’t take the hint and took her out for a birthday meal, reserving an entire restaurant to do so to flaunt his huge wallet and try to win her away from Tyson. (MATT: The dude’s ridiculed for being an adult and treating her to a nice dinner on her birthday?!)
- Nikki expected that she’d be able to visit her grandmother in her hometown without seeing her alcoholic dad who was in and out of her life after her parents’ divorce. After prodding from Brie and boyfriend, John Cena, she (along with Brie and their brother) did meet with him. His words sounded sincere about wanting to mend fences between them but his tone wasn’t. It’s kinda hard to sound sincere with cameras a few feet from your face, I guess.
- All the remaining Divas (Cameron, Naomi, JoJo and Eva Marie) expected they could have a fun drama-free day at go-kart racing (MATT: Divas like go-karting. It balances out all the boutique openings they have to show for.), but who the heck are they kidding? It’s a reality show! Cameron set the tone by insisting she would win, which she did, and then she went crazy when the other girls weren’t congratulating her with gusto. Cameron and Naomi got into a verbal confrontation which escalated into a shoving match when the real basis of their arguing was their teamwork in the ring. Both Divas think they could succeed on their own, are given a chance by Stephanie McMahon in separate singles matches and predictably fall flat on their faces. Physically, in Naomi’s case.
So in “Diva Las Vegas” will the Diva’s expectations of Vegas and Bachelorette parties be accurate? We’ll find out. As usual Matt Perri will be here to reluctantly sit through this with me to give his observations.
XL Center in Hartford, CT for MONDAY NIGHT RAW
JoJo is admiring Justin Gabriel doing his pre-match stretches. JoJo, with her figurative Siamese Twin, Eva Marie, next to her, asks Chris Jericho if Justin is single. (MATT: Jesus, really? Nobody’s been interested in Justin Gabriel. Do these two have some sort of weekly Perv quote to fill?) Chris says he doesn’t know but, starts taunting JoJo for her crush on him. “You should write him a note and write check this box if you like JoJo on it”, he advises. (MATT: What are we, girlfriends here?)
As Team Hell No beats up The Shield in the ring, Eva Marie and JoJo watch Daniel Bryan give a kiss to Brie backstage. JoJo is obviously jealous. “He’s the greatest man in the whole world,” Brie says. “I never thought I’d date in the business but I love it.” The girls laugh about the fact that Brie wasn’t wearing nonsmearing lipstick so Daniel probably has some still on him. If Brie does have a hookup for bright red lipstick that stays red on lips and doesn’t kiss off on a boyfriend she needs to text me the details, I have this same issue.
JoJo and Justin are talking privately. She shows him photos of her in dresses on her phone, (MATT: Every single guy loves to do this with a girl he’s just met, let me tell ya’.) He compliments one of the dresses and JoJo, suddenly a giant ditz, says he’s “bad”. JoJo is clearly over her recent breakup with her first boyfriend. “Sebastian was the love of my life,” she tells the camera. (MATT: We get about eight seconds of Sebastian flashbacks here which was about the same amount of time he was on the show.) JoJo says she misses him but she needs to live life. (MATT: She can start by actually being on the show.) JoJo is targeting Gabriel because it’s best to get over someone by getting under someone. AMIRITE LADIES???
Anyhow, JoJo of all people suddenly has a storyline. We can’t have that, so Eva Marie shows up to interrogate them about how long they’ve been talking and leaves them with the outdated, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do” line. This, coming from a woman who disobeyed WWE brass about her hair, then lied to them about what she was capable of doing on-stage and was also ready to cheat on her fiancee to get in as Fandango’s valet. Strange girl. Eva Marie puts on her Dear Abby hat and tells the camera, “I’m worried that she’s single, yes, but not ready to mingle yet.”
WWE Main Event
(MATT: Gabriel wrestles on Main Event, but the editing tries to make us believe he was booked for RAW. Against Curt Hawkins. Nobody’s buying this.) Eva Marie and JoJo are watching Justin’s match against the now-fired Curt Hawkins. Even though Justin’s been around for five episodes and they just met five minutes ago, JoJo says she wants to invite Justin to their apartment housewarming party. The girls are gooey over Gabriel, fawning over him and his finishing move. They’re so into Justin’s victory and their conversation that Michael Hayes is able to sneak up on them and (MATT: Perv on them.) startle them.
WWE Training Facility
The Bellas are training with the Funkadactlys. Natalya shows up and says she’s been stressed by wedding planning. Nikki offers to plan the Bachelorette party. “My plan is to get Nattie to loosen up with some half naked men, champagne and Vegas is the best place for it,” she tells the camera. Natalya is worried about the “naked men” and freaks over what Tyson will say. (MATT: Actually, he’ll have to consult his Mom before he tells Nattie what he thinks.) Nikki reassures Nattie that nobody will put their “private parts” on her. (MATT: It takes all of Nikki’s willpower not to say “cock” or something equally x-rated here.) Nattie, who was born yesterday, buys it. Nikki swears it will be PG-13 and Natalya decides to believe her and change the topic.
She fills them in on her date with Jaret (MATT: You mean…SHE WENT TO JARET??? OW!!! STOP HITTING ME!!!) — including his declaration of love. As it turns out, Jaret has been invited to the wedding. Brie states the obvious and says this “could be a problem”. Natalya blows it off as they are surrounded by hot guys in tight clothing all day. Naomi, showing some rare wisdom, asks “Do you think you just enjoy the attention he’s paying you as TJ is kind of neglecting you a little bit?”
Eva Marie & JoJo’s Apartment
Eva Marie puts magical guy-magnet Bronzer on JoJo who freaks out, hoping Justin doesn’t show up first. Thankfully, JoJo gets her wish. The Bellas, Naomi and Jimmy Uso show up first. Nikki breaks the bottom off her plastic wine glass and because she can’t help herself, criticizes Eva and JoJo for their selection of “cheap ass wine”. Both newbies say they don’t drink. Brie chides them for not having good options for the veteran wrestlers who do. Nikki reveals that Daniel Bryan doesn’t like to see Brie drink crazy levels of alcohol because she gets so insane, she actually has a nickname for it: “BRIE MODE”. Nikki says they will definitely see that in Vegas as we get the backstory.
Justin, Nattie and Cameron finally arrive. Natalya confesses to Nikki that she and TJ are the ONLY people each has ever dated or slept wiht. Nikki is really shocked by this. “No wonder you feel certain ways,” Nikki replies.
(MATT: We get your usual drunken party montage here. Bellas drinking, Naomi clocks Jimmy with a cookie sheet…then Nattie twerks for TJ. Nattie. Twerking. Just letting you know that happened.)
Cameron, Eva Marie, and Natalya are discussing Justin with JoJo. Though he is older than her, they think he might be good for her. (MATT: They’ve talked backstage and Justin showed up for the party. They’re perfect together.) Cameron says she “loves her some older guys”, and recounts the time she dated a guy 21 years older than she was.
JoJo takes Justin on a “tour of the apartment”. (MATT: Yes, a grand tour of 900 square feet.) They go to Eva Marie’s room to make out like we’re in the 7th grade. (MATT: This was like watching a gay guy kissing a lesbian woman.) Everyone at the party can see them kissing. Eva Marie says on camera “She’s 19 and they’re in different stages in life. I just don’t think two worlds mix.” (MATT: What “worlds”? They’re in the same business.)
Island Way Grill
Seven seconds later, JoJo and Justin are on their first date (MATT: Just in case you thought they were stopping this storyline at the apartment party with shitty wine.) Justin orders wine for himself, then realizes JoJo can’t legally drink. So Justin informs the waiter that she’s under 21 and orders her a Virgin Daiquiri to her great embarrassment. (MATT: What a guy.) Because they have so much in common, they talk about salad. Justin dismisses the idea of salad as rabbit food, which causes JoJo to tell him that she has a small rabbit named “Baby”. (MATT: What? Where is she keeping a rabbit? Does the apartment have a petting zoo I didn’t see?) She shows him a picture of it on her phone while Justin does his best not to look bored, but fails miserably, visibly cringing. (MATT: I can just see WWE brass – “LOOK, JUSTIN…WE PAID FOR JOJO AND SHE NEEDS A STORYLINE. TAKE HER TO A SHITTY STEAKHOUSE AND LOOK AT THE FUCKING RABBIT.”) JoJo takes the leftovers of her dinner — including her salad — to go. Then, Justin tells the waiter that she has a rabbit because he’s on such a roll with the charm. There’s no food in front of Justin at all. So, either he’s a vampire, or he wolfed everything down to speed this along. I’d like to think he just drank wine all night to drown out JoJo. (MATT: There isn’t enough wine in the world to deal with JoJo.)
Mosh Posh Designer Consigner
Cena and Nikki are shopping for Natalya’s bachelorette gift at, what Nikki calls, the “high end vintage boutique”. As they are looking at purses, Nikki tells Cena that Nattie and TJ have never been with anyone else. Cena’s like “Ok” and really doesn’t care. (MATT: Say what you want about Cena — the dude is as level-headed as they come.) Nikki is confused with his reaction, the concept is so foreign to her. When Nikki says her family “would do backflips if I was like that.” Cena, suddenly and visibly disturbed by the sudden realization that Nikki’s slept with a lot of dudes, asks if he’s supposed to ask how many men she has been with. Cena jokes that he hopes it’s between 1 and 1000. Nikki is appalled and refuses to give him a number.
Cameron is packing for the bachelorette party and asks her boyfriend Vincent to help her find the green sports bra top. She tells him she’s going to the party and will be seeing Chippendales. “You’re gonna be partying, having fun and I’ll be stuck over here,” he says as if she’s going to lock him in the apartment with nothing but bread and water and a marathon of Lifetime movies. He suggests he should go and she tells him all the people going male and female are in WWE. “Me and Eva are the only ones who have boyfriends who are not in the business so, her boyfriend isn’t going, either,” she says. On camera, she says “with this job there are just some things that he can’t come to.”
LAS VEGAS, NV
Palms Casino Resort – Natalya and Tyson’s Suite
(MATT: VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!!!) JoJo, fully clothed, climbs a stripper pole in the shower to show off for Justin who turns on cold water to tease her. JoJo who has been on all of one date with Justin says on camera that she is smitten with him and that “he and I would make some beautiful babies.” (MATT: By the way, why is there a stripper pole in the shower?) Natalya tells the camera that everyone came to celebrate and the guys came to help Tyson celebrate. (MATT: Nobody knows why there was a stripper pole in the shower?) Cena, who didn’t want to sleep in a bed with sheets that had a low thread count in a place with less than 14 bedrooms, is conspicuously absent. This being the case, I can’t see why Vincent wasn’t allowed to come out there. (MATT: Nobody is gonna answer the question about the weird shower stripper pole?)
The Divas all check out the suite which appears to be bigger than the apartment Matt and I share. (MATT: Doesn’t have a stripper pole in the shower, sadly enough.) The Bellas give Natalya a Bachelorette sash, overly large engagement ring prop necklace, “a condom for later and a whip to whip TJ into shape.”
Cameron asks Brie if she will see Brie Mode as she has never seen it, Brie says it’ll happen on Friday but to not say it so loud that Daniel hears because he hates when she drinks excessively. (MATT: WWE – We turn a blind eye to irresponsible drinking and alcoholism. Don’t bully people, kids.)
Palms Casino Resort – Poolside
The girls are in bikinis. (MATT: Eva’s in a white string bikini. All criticism of this show is invalid.) Nikki is hanging out with Natalya when the latter reveals Jaret has been texting her (asking about her day, her bachelorette party, etc.) Nikki tells both Natalya and the camera these texts seem too flirty. Nikki says if she was about to marry Cena, she wouldn’t respond to the texts. Despite claiming it’s harmless, Natalya doesn’t want Nikki to tell anyone about these “innocent” text messages. (MATT: Nikki finally gets a vagina line here – “He wants to see your pink…and I don’t mean your gear.” Ugh…)
Eva Marie and JoJo are sunbathing and are dismayed to see Justin in the pool talking to a woman in a string bikini. “Justin likes me because he wouldn’t be coming at me the way he is if he didn’t,” JoJo tells the camera in complete denial. In all fairness to Justin, not only could he not bring JoJo to bars, gamble with her, or do other similar activities for two years with her, but she’s glued to Eva Marie the entire episode.
Palms Casino Resort – Natalya and Tyson’s Suite
Everyone is cheering on Natalya as she does a shot. Naomi asks if she will see Brie Mode and is disappointed to hear it won’t be that night. Tyson offers a sweet to toast to Natalya as someone who has kept him calm, sane and still with the WWE. (MATT: Pseudo-nepotism, baby!) The girls kick the boys out to get ready to see The Chippendales show. Nikki says they will see that show, have champagne and do and other fun things in Vegas. “Nattie is in for the wildest ride of her life,” says Nikki who, moments ago, criticized Nattie for flirting with another guy.
El Rio Hotel – Chippendales Show
At first, Nikki is screaming and waving a towel like it’s her bachelorette party. Natalya gets brought on stage by a dancer (most likely due to her sash) and is tied up with a long lasso as they are doing a western themed song. The men unzip their jeans and flash their butts and their penises to Nattie and the adoring crowd.
Palms Casino Resort – Lobby
JoJo is pissed because she’s under 21 which makes Vegas as useless as a museum to Helen Keller. Eva’s her mirror twin and doesn’t drink “for personal reasons” so she’s the perfect foil for JoJo to hang with. In order to advance the plot, They come across Justin drinking with a pretty brunette and then he leaves with said Brunette in a cab — not knowing JoJo or Eva saw it. JoJo, who needs a copy of “He’s Just Not that Into You” complains, “He’s stupid now…he doesn’t know what’s going on.” JoJo proclaims that they’re done. (MATT: Justin may get the cheap, hot sex he’s looking for…but he’ll never find another rabbit-owning woman like JoJo.)
Brie is drinking and dancing and Naomi is in pig heaven, happy she’s finally seeing Brie Mode, which is comprised of dancing while drinking. (MATT: How unique. I’ve seen wilder behavior at Christian fundraisers.) The girls dance sexy and everyone is having a great time. Nikki even falls off a couch, spilling her drink everywhere and gets right back up for more fun.
Palms Casino Resort – Natalya and Tyson’s Suite
Nattie and Brie are beyond drunk and Jaret is texting Nattie again and Nattie tells Brie all about it: “Don’t hate me but I don’t know what it is about Jaret, I feel like I should text him back, and Nicole told me not to text him back, but I already have.” Brie is frustrated as this is Natalya’s bachelorette party (MATT: Or, “batcheret par-e” as the Brie Mode pronunciation dictates.) and that, by texting with Jaret, she may be risking her relationship with Tyson. “I wanted this fairy tale wedding and now I’m scared,” Natalya confesses. Brie compares Jaret to the Chippendales and how both the dancers and Jaret make you feel very wanted after being in a long term relationship with someone who knows you well. I think what she’s getting at is, the distractions are nice but the loving relationship you have is the real prize, and if so that’s great advice.
Palms Casino Resort – Brie and Daniel’s Room
Brie decides to go back to her hotel room, still very drunk at 4 AM. She means to sneak in but she can’t get the door open, so she has to wake Bryan to open the door. Thinking she got away with being in Brie Mode, (MATT: I wish everyone would stop saying that.) she shows off a tuxdeo thong she has for him and she puts fuzzy red handcuffs on him, he seems more tired and mad. He says he will scream if she doesn’t take them off. (MATT: Brie Mode!)
Hours later, he tells her it’s time to get up as he’s been up (but it still in bed wrapped around her) for an hour. She says her head hurts, as she was in Brie Mode. (MATT: YES, BRIE MODE!) Bryan points out that he wasn’t stupid and that he knows she was drunk. He further adds, “When you’re in Brie Mode, you’re not discreet about being drunk.” He tells her that as they’re in Vegas for a Bachelorette Party so he’s fine with her getting drunk — but he doesn’t have any sympathy for her hangover headache even shaking her head a bit too forcefully to be just playful.
Everyone is there for a big celebratory dinner and Justin is seated next to JoJo. (MATT: STORYLINE MODE.) She says Justin came to talk to her, yet he’s on his phone, possibly sexting the brunette from last night more than focusing on her or anyone at dinner. He leads her, holding her hand to go talk. She says he’s confusing her. He tells JoJo that she’s “beautiful” and “so talented”. (MATT: Is he even watching the same show we are?! I don’t even think JoJo believes what he just said.) He says the age gap isn’t bothering him but it’s there and he can’t get over it. (MATT: So…it bothers him then?) Having lost two boyfriends in 20 minutes over 6 episodes, JoJo goes off to sulk and contemplate the ruin her entire 19-year life on this planet has become.
Palm Casino Resort – Nikki’s Hotel Room
Brie is reading a dirty magazine and is stunned to realize she was in Nikkis’ bed (Nikki has two twin beds) and Nikki still had a vibrator there. The vibrator falls to the floor, Nikki says she will have to wash it off, and Brie complains she already took a shower that day. (MATT: WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE?!)
Palm Casino Resort – Cameron’s Hotel Room
Naomi comes over to Cameron’s room because plot reasons and is jealous that Cameron’s room is bigger and has a beautiful bathroom with a view. Cameron shares that Vincent called to say he’s en route by plane. Vincent knocks on the door and is unhappy to see him or even kiss him. She lies and says she’s happy to see him and then tells the camera that he has too much energy for this trip. This won’t end well.
Everyone is there for the final night of the bachelorette party. The Bellas give very different toasts. Brie toasts a long relationship that will be made official but is already official in their hearts and the chance to celebrate with them. Nikki toasts orgasms and boners. (MATT: Downright tame for Nikki.)
A cake, made to resemble a male torso with a yellow thong, is out for Nattie. Natalya pretends to take the thong off with her teeth. That part of the cake is removed and passed around the table. Despite it being a cake and not a real person, Vincent tells Cameron not to touch it. The waiters bring out large bowls of cotton candy. Vincent acts like a kid and plays with the cotton candy, barfing it at Cameron and trying to put it around her neck. The rest of the party somehow look visibly uncomfortable. (MATT: You can’t blame Vincent. It’s hard to know where the line is after boner toasts and stripper cakes.)
Everyone — minus Eva Marie and JoJo — go out to drink more. Vincent is drinking shots and mixed drinks. Cameron is concerned. “You get crazy when you drink like this,” she warns him. Vincent’s in VINCENT MODE and decides to make drunk confessions, telling Natalya and Tyson that he didn’t want to cause problems for her at work by showing up and that he’d have Jimmy’s back whenever he wanted. Cameron and Vincent fight over a stain on Cameron’s dress, claiming he spilled a drink on her. She takes him out of the club as she’s embarassed, he keeps trying to cheer her up and says he’s not drunk but he obviously is.
(MATT: Brie, of all people, is NOT happy with seeing VINCENT MODE because it’s only sexy when SHE gets drunk and acts like an idiot.)
Natalya says this trip has given her perspective: she loves Tyson and knows there is nothing they can’t get through.
This week’s hug goes to – JoJo – Though it was practically physically painful to watch her pine for Justin who thought of her as a fun kid at best, this was something she needed to experience. When she heals from this and she will, sooner than she thinks, it will be time to use this knowledge to find a man who likes her for who she is and not just as she’s one of many pretty girls at work.
This weeks’ punch goes to – Natalya – I get many people have some doubts as their wedding day looms closer, and in many cases this is just normal fear and doesn’t mean the couple should call it off. Yet, instead of talking to Tyson about her doubts, she let Jaret take too much head space and space in her phone. If she means it that Tyson is her everything, she should block Jaret’s number, disinvite him from the wedding and vow to treat Tyson like the great finace he is.
MATT’S HUG: John Cena and Daniel Bryan. These two are way too good for either girl. Also, Eva. Because Eva’s hot. And I just hugged Cena and Bryan so I have to prove I’m a MAN by liking EVA!
MATT’S ANNOYED AT: Just about everyone else. Nattie’s naive, Nikki and Brie are hypocritical and spoiled assholes, Cameron is annoying, JoJo doesn’t belong anywhere near this show, and every single made-up plotline has no heat or suspense.
Er, that’s it.