The Bachelorette Review: Plowing the Field at Surface Level

Okay, kids. So here we are in week 4 or week 5 of The Bachelorette or whatever the hell week we are in of this dumb-ass nonsense show, and it is just getting weirder and weirder every single episode. Last week’s shananigans were so stupid I couldn’t even stomach them, so I didn’t write up a review. Actually, that is only half-true. My cat couldn’t stomach the shows stupidity, so he decided to walk across my keyboard after I had written 3/4 of the review, instantly deleting every last morsel of mockery goodness. My cat is very smart and I was very annoyed, and there was no way in hell I was re-writing that over again, so instead, here is your VERY short overview of the debauchery that took place on last week’s show …..

Kaitlyn takes Clint outside and tells him she is done with him and that she no longer trusts him. She then announces to everyone at Testosterone Mansion that he will be leaving, and Clint’s boyfriend JJ turns his back on Clint and sides with Kaitlyn, saying publically to Clint: “You need to apoligize to everyone for your bad emotional energy.” Clint is pissed off because his boy-toy didn’t stand up for him, and he and JJ have the girliest dude-break-up outside that I’ve ever seen in my life. I don’t think I have ever witnessed two men standing SO close together as they had the most overdramatic, dumbest conversation on earth:

JJ: I said something rash. I’m sorry.

Clint: Don’t touch me. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you. Get the fuck outta my face. I told you shit about me. (Like that you’re GAY???)

JJ: Guess what. I told you shit no one else knows either. (The gay thing?)

Clint: You’re a piece of shit. You’re about to make me lose my cool and I’m not okay with it. You didn’t back me up in there.

JJ: Okay. Have a good night.

Clint: Hey I wish you the best of luck here. That tie really goes good with your shirt. Piece of shit.

I’m not joking. That was their conversation. Then Clint got into the sad limo and left the show, and JJ went into the “confessional / interview” to talk about what just happened, but he got up and walked out because he was sobbing so hard he couldn’t speak. So he cried and cried and cried, and then he SLAPPED HIMSELF IN THE FACE and said to himself: “Son of a bitch. Suck it up.”  So that happened. All the men inside, meanwhile, made jokes about the JJ/Clint breakup being the worst in Bachelor history. This whole thing is so incredibly dumb. They were obviously trying to see how a gay bachelor storyline might play out for the future, and either paid these two dudes off to make this drama occur, or put them on the show for that reason solely. Either way, nothing about this was any form of real, just like the rest of this scripted show.

THE BACHELORETTE

The rest of the show is in NYC, where the men take part in the worst Rap Battle known to man. After the rap show, Kaitlyn “runs into” Nick, who was on the show during Andi’s season. Apparently the two struck up a friendship over social media, and he came back because he just “had to meet her and see if this could be something.” He wants to stay. She wants him to stay. She tells him she needs to think about it. She tells the other men what happened. They are not happy. They do not want him to stay. She leaves the men and goes to make out with Nick for a while, because that seems normal and like the right thing to do. Sure. The next morning, she decides to keep Nick around and goes to tell him. She tells the cameras “I’m, like, shaking right now. I’m shaking.” She is always “shaking” about something.

Jared and Kaitlyn then have a one-on-one date at The Met, where he reads her a  lame poem that makes her feel better and they kiss and he gets the rose. They end their night by flying in a helicopter over the Statue of Liberty, and Jared tells cameras “that’s the night I fell in love with her.” Another lame group date takes place with the men auditioning for a walk-on role in “Aladdin” with Kaitlyn. They all suck in their auditions, but Chris the dentist wins and he and Kaitlyn do their 5 second part on Broadway. They literally walk on, stand there, and then walk off. They make out and he gets the rose.

This brings us current to this week’s episode. Nick finally arrives at Alcoholic Mansion to meet the men. They are now in San Antonio, Texas. He walks in and says “Whats up, guys?” Which is met with the most awkward silence ever. He tells them: “Look, I’ll keep this simple. I’m not here to cause drama. I dig this girl and Id like to get to know her more. She is a cool chick.” He clears his throat 3 times in a row and starts sweating. The men start grilling him, one by one, like he is on trial for something. “Why now? We heard you and Andi are still hanging out.” “You had your season already. Why you need another one?” “You called her a cool chick. Is she a cool chick, or is she an amazing woman?” Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh. Your witness?

Nick sidesteps their questions or gives vague answers, then tells them “I hope you can respect why I’m here.” All the men talk into camera about how upset they are that Nick is there. During the cocktail party, different people take Kaitlyn aside to spend time with her. They are at major league baseball field, and JJ takes her aside first. He picks her up piggyback style and they run around the bases. Josh uses his time to tell Kaitlyn he doesn’t trust Nick, and that he is full of shit. “Do you trust me?” she asks him. “Your actions don’t match your words”, he threatens. “You’re gonna make me cry”, she retorts. Kaitlyn wonders out loud to cameras if it was perhaps wrong to let Nick join the group.

Rose Ceremony happens, on the ball field. The guys are lined up like a baseball team starting lineup. It is apparently freezing cold and the windiest day ever in creation, because these men are acting like the biggest pussies I’ve ever seen assembled in one place. Their teeth are chattering, they are holding onto each other for dear life, its like they have never felt a breeze before. Take it down a notch, boys. Its Texas, not the North Pole. Kaitlyn keeps Nick, and sends home Jonathan and Ryan. Congratulations Jonathan. You made it further than most black men. You are a pioneer.

Ben with an H. initial has a one-on-one date with Kaitlyn. She keeps referring to him as “Ben H” to camera, and it drives me batty. She picks him up in a pickup truck and they go to the oldest Dance Hall in Texas to join a 2-step competition. Even though they get tapped out of the contest in round two, they have a blast drinking beers and hanging out with the other couples and dancing together. Kaitlyn says “he is a handsome, handsome man.” Wow, that’s deep. They have dinner on the rooftop and talk about past loves and he gets the rose. They kiss a lot, and they both feel lucky to have each other.

THE BACHELORETTE

There is a Group Orgy … Date … involving 10 men. Yes, 10. They all put on silly Mariachi Band costumes, and write and perform mariachi songs to Kaitlyn, to serenade her. They do this in front of a crowd outside. Ian goes on and on about what a great singer he is, then chokes once again on his performance. He hangs his head in shame during his camera interview and acts as if it is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a person. Nick wants to be more “grandiose” with his song, and takes Kaitlyn up to the balcony to sing to her. His voice is awful but he doesn’t care and enjoys making a fool of himself for her. His lyrics include “We have such a great connection, it gives me such a huge erection.” Umm, ewww! The guys all seem to gain more respect for Nick after his horrible solo (Really? THAT’S how you gain respect with these tools?), except for Josh, who looks like he might blow Nick’s face off at any second.

The guys take some private time with Kaitlyn. Josh asks her to please cut his hair, to show her that he trusts her, since apparently she used to cut hair for a living or some crap. So she cuts it into a half-mohawk type thing, before the cutters give out on her and stop working. He goes back inside and all the guys laugh their asses off at his half-finished Mohawk. Nick and Kaitlyn use their private time to make out really heavy once again. When he returns, Josh approaches him in front of the other dudes. “I don’t trust you. Something is off. ” Nick tells him “you don’t need to trust me. Kaitlyn needs to trust me. If she doesn’t trust me, I’ll be sent home.” Josh doesn’t like that response, and he goes to find Kaitlyn to speak with her more. He tells her that nobody in the house likes Nick or wants him there, and she gets mad, asking “Not one person likes him? So everyone is lying to my face?” Josh comes back and tells the guys he was in a camera interview, but they know he is lying because they looked out the window and saw him in the church with Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn comes in and asks the men if they are being honest with her about Nick. They say yes. She says “Josh do you feel they are being honest? ” “Id like to think so”,, he says. “What? You literally just told me that nobody is being honest with me.” Josh tells K that everyone feels the same way as him, and NONE of the men back him up. They all just sit there and act like they have no idea what he is talking about. He tells Kaitlyn he is confused, she says so am I, and oh my god, WHO CARES ABOUT ANY OF THIS?????

Shawn and Kaitlyn have a one-on-one date, and they go kayaking on the river in San Antonio. Lots of kissing and intimate moments. He tells her he felt bad for Josh last night because none of the guys backed him up. He shares about a serious car accident he was in 5 years ago where he almost died. He starts to tear up talking about it. He tells her “I’m falling in love with you.” she says to cameras “I feel that was my husband telling me he loves me for the first time.” She whispers back to him that she feels the same way. They have a romantic dinner, then back to the tiny boat with fireworks in the sky .

Now, for no reason whatsoever, the show has decided to make Ian into a total asshole who is randomly going to tell Kaitlyn off. This is coming out of absolutely NOWHERE, kind of like the whole Clint and JJ are Gay thing, that they just randomly DROPPED once it played out into nothing. Now, suddenly, Ian is telling the camera: “She doesn’t understand who I am, and who I am is a great catch. I could be the bachelor of this country, of the world. San Antonio will be my last stand on this journey. I want to go home.” Okay, over-dramatic asshole. Where the fuck is all this coming from?

There is another cocktail party, because these people don’t do enough drinking. She makes a speech about how important honesty is, then Ian tells cameras “She wants the truth. She can’t HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!!! ” Okay, relax there, Jack Nicholson. Calm yourself. Then he says “she isn’t even half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.” Seriously, this dude is just randomly a complete dickhead for no reason. Makes no sense.

During the cocktail party, Joe and Kaitlyn make out and she tells him she likes kissing him. Then she takes Jared into her hotel room and they make out some more, and he tells her he is falling for her. She says “that makes me so happy” Meanwhile Ian is still yammering on to the cameras: “I have a lot of sex. A lot of sex. I’m going out of here guns blazing. I don’t find her that interesting. I have lots of sex.” Did he say something about a lot of sex?

Finally, the show ends with another “To Be Continued”, as Ian blasts into Kaitlyn and insults her like mad as she sits there taking it in. “I came here for love. It’s difficult for me being with guys who are making poop, fart, and sex jokes. That doesn’t work for me. I came here expecting to meet the girl who had her heart-broken, not the girl who wants her field plowed. I feel like you’re here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV. Bringing Nick in, I don’t question his intentions, I question yours. I see you as a surface level person at this point, and I wonder if you really are that shallow, because I see nothing beyond the surface.” HOLY CRAP ARE YOU DONE YET? STOP TALKING AND TAKE A BREATH ALREADY!!!! CHRIST!!!

So that’s it, folks. I’m guessing the producers paid this dude off too, to randomly turn on her and insult her and leave, just to make things interesting. Either that, or everyone on this show is a complete loon who changes personalities at the drop of a hat.

NEXT WEEK: JJ smacks himself a few more times in the face and sobs about Clint. Ian tells Pimp Daddy Chris Harrison that he has a lot of sex. Kaitlyn finally gets her field plowed. (I’m serious. I think her and Nick have sex next week, and everyone freaks the hell out. Good times.)

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