The Bachelorette Review: The Dinosaur and the Mouse

Last time we left off on The Bachelorette, the two gossipy ladies, Nick and Shawn, were having the dumbest argument of all time in Nick’s hotel room or wherever the hell they have him staying. This week’s episode finds us at the end of that argument, which resolved nothing, and where Shawn just gets up and leaves in the middle of their dumb conversation about how much they detest each other. “Alright”, Shawn says, and then just leaves. No point. No resolution.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is traveling via limo or car service to Galway to meet Ben, and pursing her annoying glossed-up lips the whole way. She is going for her overnight with Ben, and one of my friends pointed out that Ben is Peter Brady, so it’s about past time we acknowledged that fact. Yes, he is Peter Brady for sure, and just about as vanilla and exciting as Peter too. Kaitlyn tells camera about Ben: “He is so handsome. He is serious with his feelings.” You forgot “he is lame as hell and talks like a corporate memo.” They meet up in a field and go horseback riding. Then they feed donkeys with horse-feed and they kiss. They sit in the grass and he talks to her in his boring tone: “So ive just been figuring it all out, and being as logical as possible about all this because I am falling in love with you, so why not just dive in with the memories? Like, that just sounds fun to me.” Dude, what on earth are you talking about? She says: “That’s really beautiful.” Is it? I don’t think so. I found it confusing and pointless. She tells the cameras “this could be the beginning of forever.” They have dinner in a 19th century Irish castle. He shows up in his awful white fluffy LL Bean style dull sweater that he wears constantly. He tells her that his 26th birthday was during the show, and they both have this conversation about their 4 year age difference because she is 30, as if this is in ANY way a big deal. Its FOUR years, who cares? He acts like he is some big hero because he is able to put the “difference in age” aside and love her anyway. Really?

At this point, Kaitlyn pulls out the creepy Fantasy Suite card from Pimp Daddy Harrison, asking him if he wants to take the host’s creepy offer to go into the suite and get it on while Harrison watches behind a hidden mirror in the room. Instead of just saying yes like a normal person, Peter Brady breaks into yet another dull monologue response in essay form about how he feels about the fantasy suite. “It’s so important to have this time with you away from the cameras and let’s be honest –  its weird having these other men involved . But at the end of the day and all that being said, I feel I would enjoy more time with you.” He lost me somewhere around the 5th word. They go up into the bedroom and both act all shocked to see the same romantic setting of bed and flowers and candles, etc that this show ALWAYS has for overnight dates. “Oh wow! This is incredible! No way!” says Ben, like he has never seen a candle before in his lifetime. The next morning, the two are very cozy, staring longingly out the window together, and Kaitlyn saying to cameras that she only got “half hour sleep.” She also said that she “didn’t expect to fall in love with him.” They kiss some more, say their goodbyes, and he leaves.

Next up is the Overnight Date with Shawn, who is half-man, half-dinosaur or some sort of growling monster. He is so gross. His face pisses me off. It’s always shiny and sweaty, and his eyes are annoying and his hair has a swirly thing that makes me angry. And he is just gross. He is always making growling sounds and can’t seem to string a sentence together without mumbling or talking completely lazy. So these two annoying fucks go and play some golf for their date. Kaitlyn is dressed in ridiculous checkered golf pants that give her a camel-toe in front, and Shawn is made to wear a bright pink shirt with bright blue pants that are way too tight for him and too short. He says to camera: “Golf is like love. Its something you can do til you’re old and grey.” What the hell does that even mean? Must we come up with these stupid metaphors and similes to love all the time? So lame. Then he tells cameras that Kaitlyn “has a beautiful swing. Just add something else to the check list of wife material.” Ugh. Gross. There he goes again with his wife material list. I really think he is a caveman.

They make a stupid bet that if she wins, she gets whatever she wants. So she wins, because all of Shawn’s golf balls go into the water, and what she wants it to play Truth or Dare. He chooses dare, and she dares him to “streak, full-blown nakee (yes, she said nakee, not naked), from right here to the green.” What are we, 12? He starts stripping and she starts laughing like a hyena.  He keeps his blue socks on and holds his penis together so it doesn’t flop all over the place. I bet you anything his balls smell of cheese as he stands there “nakee” outdoors like a loon. She steals his clothes and runs away, and he chases after her, holding his penis in his hand the whole time. Eww. She thinks this is the funniest thing in the world, and all I can picture is his sweaty man-ass and his floppy dick hanging everywhere. Yuck!!!

Time for dinner. Shawn says to her “I love today. Today was so normal. ” Right, because this is what normal people do on a typical weekend. So then she makes the mistake of bringing up the topic of Nick, because why go ten minutes without talking about Nick. She asks him why he hates him so much, and he gets all weird and angry, and tells her that he had a talk with Nick that didn’t go well. She tells him that Nick told her about Shawn bragging about sleeping with the same girl on the same night as some other dude, and she asks him if its true. He goes around the answer and never actually responds, and just keeps talking about what an asshole Nick is: “Oh my god. He is delusional. He is the worst. That is not me at all. He is insane. He is – ughhh (growling sound) – wow. If you end up with him, I’m not going to lose any sleep over it, because it means we aren’t meant to be together.” Way to dodge the question there, Sweaty. Kaitlyn to camera: “Shawn is pissed. And I’m not too pleased either.”

They get the stupid Fantasy Suite Card, but there isn’t much romance happening because they are too busy talking about Nick. They go into seclusion in their room, and K tells cameras “when I wake up in the morning, I’m going to know a lot more whether Shawn could be my husband.” Maybe she will also know if his balls smell like swiss cheese and piss. Morning comes, and they just show him quickly leaving. Not the same romantic scene they showed with Ben, which of course means Ben is the one going home. They ALWAYS edit it to try and “trick us” into thinking that her feelings are way strong for someone,, and then that person goes home. So Shawn leaves, and walks about 20 feet, and Nick is standing against a wall in his pretzel-like fashion, all mousy and bent over. “Hey Shawn. You got a minute?” “Not really. I don’t wanna talk to you. At all”, says Shawn. Somehow they end up talking anyway, sitting on the same couch and chair as last time. Either that or each set looks exactly the same where they are housing these people. They continue their pointless dialogue from last time, with Shawn not letting Nick get a word in, just like last time. Oh, and everything Nick says sounds like Daffy Duck or Sylvestor the Cat because he cannot pronounce his S words and he hides his mouth under his arm or hand when he speaks, and everything Shawn says is mumbled and lazy. They both suck.:

Nick: So the other day when you stopped by my place, I was shocked but impressed because I thought you finally wanted to have a man to man conversation.

Shawn: Yeah something you can’t do obviously. I just got back from spending the whole night and the whole day with Kaitlyn, and she’s telling me you’re saying shit about me and I don’t even wanna see you. If I hear my name come out of your mouth again, it’s not gonna be pretty.

Nick: Are you threatening me?

Shawn: I think you’re the worst person on earth. I think you’re a horrible human being and ……

Nick: Ssho are you threatening me?

Shawn: (still not answering the question, because he is a Neanderthal who just talks over everyone and railroads discussions and has a violence about him) You just are not a good person, you are scheming and you are not here for Kaitlyn and I just …..

Nick: Are you gonna let me talk?

Shawn: No I don’t wanna let you talk. I don’t even wanna see you right now..

Nick: Sssshhho you’re gonna come into my place and talk at me for 20 minutes …

Shawn: Yeah I told you how I felt and now its done, it’s over. Youre just a smooth talker who likes hearing himself talk (Funny, because YOU havent shut the fuck up the whole time). I don’t even wanna think about you anymore. I don’t care if I ever see you again in my life. How about you just get the fuck out of my place right now?

Nick: Alright. Fair enough. (leaves all bent over like a sewer rat, while Shawn immediately goes into the bathroom again, most likely to piss again.)

Nick says to cameras: “It’s hard for me to imagine that she keeps both of us after this. Shes gotta be sick of all this, I know I am. He has no class , he said he wanted to have a man to man talk the first time but then he doesn’t allow me to speak. And he had to keep mentioning how he just got back from spending all night with her. I didn’t know that. Just shows his character.”

Before the last rose ceremony, Pimp Daddy Harrison has a pointless chat with Kaitlyn, where she asks about the men. K tells him she is in love, and that she just has to trust her heart on this one. His big advice and words of wisdom are: “I agree. Now go and get your thoughts together. ” Then gives her a creepy way too long hug.

Pimp Daddy welcomes the last 3 men standing to the final Rose Ceremony, and tells them that the final 2 will met Kaitlyn’s family. “Here is Kaitlyn” he says, then puts his hand out as if he is presenting a platter of cheese and crackers. Kaitlyn talks to the 3 men and then stops midway through. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Sorry. I need a minute. Can you just give me a minute?” She goes back with Pimp Daddy and cries and tells him: “Like, when I walked in there, I was nervous, but now, I’m , like, shaking.” And there it is again. She is shaking….  Once again, P Daddy gives amazing advice. “Go in there and tell them whats going on. Deep breath.” Wow, how is he not a therapist? Such incredible words of comfort.

She tells cameras that it “terrifies” her (because she is always shaking and everything terrifies her) that the guy she is sending home is someone she is falilng in love with. What? Huh? So you’re in love with 3 people? Seriously? I’m sorry, but that is just dumb Sure, you can be attracted to 3 men, even feel strong feelings for 3 men, I guess. I suppose. But by now, if you don’t have a VERY good idea of who your damn husband is in that room, then there’s a problem. OH what am I saying? This whole show is a problem.

So, as predicted, she chooses Nick and Shawn, and sends Peter Brady home, giving him the same lame-ass NON-explanation that she gave Jared last week. “I don’t even know how to say goodbye right now.” He of course, recites another essay about his feelings in memo form. “I would very much love to share a life with you. But that isn’t going to happen. That will be tough. That will be hard.” He gets into the sad limo and talks more: “I’ll miss that girl. I was not expecting to go home. At the end of the day, I was able to open up and I will miss her. I will miss her.” Meanwhile, she says it “crushed” her to let him go, and she is not looking forward to going back in that room where the remaining 2 men hate one another. She goes in, they do a quick toast, she hugs them each individually, and then randomly walks out again, leaving them there to literally circle the carpet together with their stupid champagne glasses in hand. Why can’t they leave? They both just stand there, walking aimlessly around the carpet, and drinking their champagne. Shawn takes a big nasty swallow / gulp of his drink, then puts it down on the tray. Nick follows him and puts his drink down too. They both just walk in circles with hands in their pockets.

MEETING THE FAMILIES:

Usually on this show, it is called “hometowns”, because she goes to the person’s home town to meet their families. This time however, she is meeting both families in Utah at some random hotel location or something I guess. No idea why, and why Utah??? Anyway, up first is Nick. They meet at some park or something beforehand, and he gives the worst “I love you ” speech of all time. So awful. You ready?

Nick: So I’ve been thinking. Ever since we’ve been talking, every time we talk, whether its text or phone, you are the best part of my day. You know how you asked me, like, comparison to last time. The last time, I , like, expressed love and stuff like that, it was in this kind of environment. Ummm, I ‘member towards the end, even though I was very sshhhure with my feelingsth … definitely had some , like, questionsth. I felt like I would have to almost take a leap of faith. Ummm and I think about usth and our relationship, and with you, I don’t have to take a leap of faith. If I’m comparing the two (starts shifting and folding up and putting arm over his face and mouth), I have no reservashionsth about usth. I just don’t. Wow – so – wow – I guess what I’m trying to shay and I don’t think its a big shurprise but I am totally in love with you. Like, more than I can even shhay in wordshhh, so, um, yeah ……

She kisses him for long time. Then they head over to Nick’s family, where all nine hundred of them do not look too happy to be going through this whole “Bachelor” thing yet again. For anyone not following along, Nick was already one of the last two men standing in a previous season with Andi, and he was not chosen, obviously. His big teeth sister Maria, who has resting-bitch-face, is worried about her brother getting blindsided again. Nick’s mother starts crying just at the very thought of her son getting hurt, and then Nick’s little sister also starts crying. Fun times. Enter Kaitlyn and Nick to brighten everything up. They laugh and giggle and dance like dorks in the living room. Maria talks with her and ends up liking her. Then she talks with Nicks 3 brothers as they all sit on the couch together in the same weird pretzel-like form that Nick does, bending their bodies and shoving their hands and fingers toward their faces and chins while speaking. And who the fuck is that dude in the middle? He looks like NOBODY else in the family. Big glasses and red hair. I think he’s a hired actor, he doesn’t seem to belong in any way whatsoever. Little girl Bella asks Kaitlyn if she is in love with her brother. “I care about him a lot a lot a lot a lot.” Wow. Way to talk down to the kid by talking as if you are also 6 years old. THen Nick and his mom sit down for a chat, in which he tells her all the reasons he loves Kaitlyn, including “she is great at making out.” Okay, first of all, who calls it “making out?” anymore. That is so junior high school. And second, WHO TELLS THEIR MOM THAT??? Ewwww. Just … ewwww. Later, Nick and K go back to her hotel room and hang out. He says “I love you” and pulls her into the center of his pretzel body . They make out in a way that Nick’s mom would be proud.

Up next is Shawn. He tells cameras that he is going to tell her he loves her, but not until his family approves. He walks up to meet her and he walks like he has a load in his pants. He asks if she is nervous to meet his two sisters, and she says “sisters are my jam.” Ugh. He says “they will like you, but if they don’t, see ya later toots.” Ewww. And he is serious. I really feel like he has Neanderthal opinions and values. Shawn’s family involved lots of teeth. As did Nick’s. Lots of large teeth. Shawn’s mom is unable to be there for unknown suspicious reasons, but he makes it clear that his 2 sisters are kind of like a mom to him. Both of the sisters end up loving Kaitlyn, and his dad is the one who is worried at first. Shawn tells his dad that Kaitlyn told him “you’re it. Youre the one” when there were still 10 guys left. He REALLY needs to let go of that. The dad gives his blessing in the end.

Afterwards, K and Shawn are on the couch together, and he gives HIS awful “I love you” speech. “One thing I need to get off my chest before we take this any further . I told you back in Texas that I was falling in love with you. Well that’s not the truth, because I AM in love with you. ” Gross. Yuck. Barf. They kiss a lot , and then she cries and cries alone on her balcony because she has such strong feelings for them both, and doesn’t know what to do. My prediction is that she chooses Shawn. Why? Because the editing is making it look like she is more into Nick, and that’s usually a trick. “My emotions are so intense for both of them. I’m so confused.” Poor Kaitlyn. Why don’t you go and get some of that incredible advice from Pimp Daddy Harrison? “Breathe deep”, he might tell you. Or “think it over.” Yes, Chris Harrison. Yes.

NEXT WEEK: The Men Tell All episode is on, which is just all of them coming back to whine and bitch at each other on television. Also, Peter Brady writes a 47 page essay about his feelings on being let go from the show. Nick and Shawn finally reveal their true, very gay feelings for one another, and ask Kaitlyn to do a threesome. Chris Harrison videotapes it Kaitlyn feels stressed and is “shaking” and “terrified” by something. Harrison tells her to “inhale and exhale” and repeat. Then he jerks off on a wilting rose.

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