Well gang, it’s another episode of The Bachelorette. Here we go again.
Our bachelorette JoJo and the gang of now 8 men, are off for a week or two in Buenos Aires. As with every single location on this insipid show, everyone claims within the first 5 seconds that “Buenos Aires is the PERFECT place to fall in love!!!!” Right. Or to fall in fake love with about 5 different men at the same time, choose one of them to get engaged to, and then break it off a few months later in a national television special. Ah, true love. Let us begin with the madness.
JoJo and Host/Head Douchebag Chris Harrison talk outside on a bench about the upcoming week ahead. She worries aloud: “What if I fall in love with two people, just like Ben did?” Harrison has no response, because no canned response was written for him to say in the script. Next, Chris goes to the hotel to speak to the men about the week.
There will be 3 dates this week: a group date/orgy, a one-on-one, and for the first time ever, a second two-on-one. The men become frightened at this and drink more alcohol to prepare. Wells gets the one-on-one date, and he tells the guys that he thinks he is the only one left yet who has not kissed her. They cannot believe this, since JoJo is a giant ho-bag and kisses pretty much everyone.
She has probably kissed the camera men, the key grip, and the guy who does the catering for the show. But not Wells. The men tease him as JoJo picks him up for the date, telling him to wear chapstick and don’t forget the mints. They embarrass the two by asking out loud: “So are you two gonna kiss today?” As they leave for their date, the men all gossip about it like pre-teen girls on their periods. “Oh my god, like, is he gonna kiss her? Do you think he will? Like, oh my god!!!”
WELLS AND JOJO SITTING IN A TREE ……..
JoJo takes Wells and his stupid name to an interactive, performance art show called “Fverza Bruta.” The show involves water, dancing, swimming, art, and body movement. They learn how to get “shot” as part of a performance act. After they finish their first acting scene, Wells wonders if this is the moment to kiss her, but decides on a weird high-five instead. He goes for the high-five, and she ignores him, leaving his hand in mid-air to high-five nothing. Then he tries kissing her on the cheek instead, and he somehow misses her cheek and face entirely, kissing the air around them. AWKWARD!!!!!!!!
Next, they train inside a suspended water pool, swimming around in a sexy and weird manner. He tells cameras that he wants it to be perfect when he kisses her. They slide around in the water, and finally, they share a kiss, and then a few more. She yells emphatically: “That was the moment, Wells!!! We did it!!!” Later, at dinner, nobody eats their meal, and Wells talks about his last relationship at the request of JoJo.
He is sweating in the face profusely. After he tells her his relationship ended because the passion fizzled out, she tells cameras that this was worrisome to her because she does not want that to ever happen. Also worrisome – nobody is eating that delicious food on the table. She tells him that she is looking for that passionate, fairy-tale kind of love. He seems to think that maybe that doesn’t exist. She tells him that he is amazing, but not the person she will spend her life with. Or the person she will spend 3 months with and then break up with. And also, his name is WELLS, so that ain’t helpin’ his cause out any. He does not get the rose. Instead, he gets sent away in the sad limo, where he will be later murdered by Chris Harrison. He tells her as he says goodbye: “Go find what you’re looking for.” Two beautiful dinners sit on their plates.
AND THEN THERE WERE FIVE …….
So the Group Date/Orgy involved JoJo and five men. Those men are Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex. They go to the LaVoca District and walk and shop. Then they play soccer in the streets. Howdy-Doody James is feeling insecure next to all these men with abs and things, and he only has a tractor and some hay back home. He does, however, score a goal and earns a kiss with JoJo, which he could have gotten anyway just by kissing her. She kisses everyone, even guys named WELLS and guys who specialize in Erectile Dysfunction as a career.
Later on the group date, she takes each guy aside for private time. The dialogue between her and Luke is insanely dumb. HE is insanely dumb. If he and a paper towel competed for best brains, the paper towel would not only win, it wouldn’t even be close. Let’s listen:
Luke: Yeah, like, this is, like, real. Like, organic and natural and like, embrace that … and that’s where I’m at. This is a city. A city, that, like, you like … kinda wanna come back to and be, like, this city, right? That’s what I’m saying.
WTF??? What the hell ARE you saying??? Is that even english??? Was there even one complete sentence in that mess of a declaration of nothing??? No wonder all she wants to do is kiss this guy. He is very attractive, but WOW!!! Talking with words is not his strong suit. She smacks her lips together in that “I’m horny” way, and they make out yet again. They stop for a second, and he breathes really slow and loudly into her mouth, and it’s weird and creepy. She tells cameras: “I’m running out of words to describe the level of passion that is Luke and me.” That’s okay. You’re running out of words, and Luke is running out of brain cells.
Next up is James, who uses his time with her to say some really vague things about Jordan that don’t really make much sense and seem to be more “creating drama where there is none” from this show. Something about how James was showing off during a game of poker in the house, and how he thinks he is famous or wants to be famous, or is on the show to be famous. Then he asks if he can kiss her, and she of course says yes. They kiss. She takes Jordan aside and asks him about the altercation with James. He laughs and says it was no big deal, and that he isn’t entitled like James said he is. He tells cameras that he doesn’t enjoy his integrity being questioned. He goes back into the room with the guys and awkwardness occurs.
James: So how’d it go with her?
Jordan: Oh, just great. How did yours go? Did my name come up at all?
James: Yeah. It did.
(Alex sips his alcoholic beverage dramatically)
Jordan: Did you use the word entitled?
James: I may have.
Jordan: Now how does one-act entitled when explaining the rules of a game such as poker?
James: It was one thing, and we, ya know … whatever.
(WTF does THAT MEAN??? Can these people speak english??? Their sentences never make ANY sense.)
(Alex smiles while sipping his alcohol with his fucked up haircut. )
Jordan: Its pathetic when someone needs to bring up stuff like that.
The mood fizzles, and JoJo enters and gives the Group Date Rose to Luke, on account of his way with words. All the men silently whine and pout that they didn’t get the rose, and life goes on.
THE TWO ON ONE ………..
So JoJo has a two-on-one date with Chase and Derek, who are both equally pointless and boring. They take Tango lessons, and a freakishly long segment occurs with JoJo being pulled back and forth in dance between the two men. It goes on forever, and I just want to scream: WE GET IT!!!! SHE HAS TO CHOOSE ONE OF THEM!!!! But I don’t scream that. I sit silently and suffer, for that is my fate. Her and Derek seem to have more chemistry during the dance, while Chase dances like a robot. The three go to dinner.
Nobody eats their food. She takes Derek aside first. Chase sits there silently not eating his dinner while she is gone. Derek tells her “I’m absolutely falling for you.” Her response is literally: “I appreciate that.” Yup. THAT’S what ya wanna hear when you tell someone you are falling in love with them. That they APPRECIATE that. She might as well have said: “With warmest regards, JoJo.” But of course, she kisses him over and over again anyway, because she loves that kissing stuff.
Next up is Chase, who she is clearly more interested in, even though he has the personality of plywood. Also, his name is CHASE. That’s a bank, not a name. She tells him she thinks he is scared. He says: “I don’t wanna be scared.” he tells her he came here for her and begins to open up. She melts in his arms, and gives him the date rose, sending poor boring Derek home in the sad limo.
She walks Derek out, and they barely speak. He cries and cries in the limo, as he says longingly out the window: “I thought I was enough. But I’m not. Why am I crying?” As he asks this, JoJo and bank-for-a-name dance romantically to a live singing of “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina.” Really? The producers MUST have told Derek to mention that he is crying, so they could montage that with the lyrics: “Don’t cry for me.” So stupid and so obvious.
COCKTAIL PARTY AND ROSE CEREMONY …….
During the cocktail party, she takes each dude aside again for more private time. Jordan tells her he is there for her and for the right reasons, and that he wants to get engaged and fall in love with her. She totally believes him and melts in his floppy hairstyle, and kisses him over and over. Then James tells her he is falling for her also, and she kisses him some more. Minutes before the rose ceremony, she does not know who to send home.
JoJo stops in the middle of the rose ceremony, probably because the producers told her “look, this season is super boring. Stop the ceremony now and then. Make it interesting. ” So she steps outside with Chris Harrison and tells him she can’t give out the final rose, she doesn’t want to make a decision. She returns to the room, and after a long dramatic pause, another rose is added to the platter on the table. The last two men without roses are Alex and James. They both breathe a sigh of relief when they see the two roses instead of one. She apologizes for the delay, and tells them “I just couldn’t hand out that final rose tonight.” So everyone stays and nobody goes home, and she feels good that she didn’t make a mistake by sending the wrong person home. Of course, you would think this would make them happy, but Alex starts whining to cameras about how he doesn’t want a “pity rose.” And that is the end of this episode, guys. What a snooze-fest.
NEXT WEEK: JoJo force-kisses Chris Harrison, making the stem on his rose erect. Jordan’s floppy hair runs away for less boring pastures. Luke gets a job writing for Hallmark.