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‘The Bachelorette’ Premiere Promises Drunks, Kilts, and Erectile Dysfunction

Well, kids. It’s that time again. Time for The Bachelorette to go on a “journey”. Time to find love through hot-tub make-out sessions, alcoholic evenings, dates in helicopter rides, crying on mountain-tops, and giant mansions filled with testosterone. Yes, my friends. It is time yet again, for the stupidest show on television: The Bachelorette. The only show more dumb than this show, is its other half: The Bachelor. The main difference? The first version features loads of sobbing hormonal women, whereas the latter version features loads of shirtless men threatening to punch each other constantly, while shirtless. Always shirtless.

We begin this season with this year’s bachelorette, Jo Jo, because everyone on this show always has a stupid-ass name. For those who watched The Bachelor, Ben told two women that he was in love with them, Jo Jo and Lauren. He also told Jo Jo that he would never blindside her, and then he totally blindsided her and instead of proposing to her, he dumped her ass right there on national TV. Good times. He told her “I love you, but I love someone else more.” Ouch. So, Jo Jo picked herself up by her fake tan and annoyingly grating voice and clueless personality, and decided to put herself through another season of heartbreak and pain by becoming the next bachelorette victim.

Which brings us into this week’s episode. Jo Jo sat down for drinks (because all these people do is drink) with former victims Kaitlyn Bristowe, Desiree Hartsock, and Ali Fedetowsky. They basically all told her that the process is terrifying but amazing (because everything on this show is “amazing,” according to everybody on it), to kiss someone whenever she is “feeling it,” and to open her heart to love. Next up, were various shots of Jo Jo walking the beach in her bikini, then sitting on a large rock whipping her long hair back and laughing as the waves crashed over her. Yuck.

Then it was time for Douche-bag host Chris Harrison to come out and finally get to say his 5 lines in this week’s episode. He told the audience the premise of the show, for anyone living under a rock who doesn’t know the premise by now, and then he introduced the montage of background videos that told us a bit about some of the “men” who will be acting a fool this season as they fight each other for someone they just met 14 seconds ago, but now want to marry. Here is a preview of some of the high quality of man-meat you can expect on this current “journey:”

GRANT, a firefighter who hopes Jo Jo is the one who “lights his fire.” Ewww, really? JORDAN, a Former-Pro Football player for the NFL, which basically means he is job-less and does nothing now. He is hoping that he is JoJo’s “number one draft pick.” Seriously? Come on. Ten minutes into this shit-fest and already with the horrendous puns. ALEX is a Marine with a twin brother who just got married, putting the pressure on him. JAMES, who is a “Bachlorette SuperFan”, which means HE HAS NO JOB. No income. No purpose. He is a fan of the show – that is what was listed as his “occupation” under his name. He appeared shirtless in his video for no reason, and he holds “watching parties” of the show at his home, which basically involve him and 2 other dorks sitting on a couch watching the show and eating chips. The man has no friends. Then we have EVAN, who used to be a Pastor, but now is the Director at an Erectile Dysfunction Clinic. Well, alrighty then. He is also a complete dork, saying: “I’m so pumped. Got my mojo for JoJo.” Yuck-o. ALI is a Bartender from Iran, who has the largest and thickest eyebrows of anyone ever on the planet. His entire face is just an eyebrow. He is like the human version of Bert from “Sesame Street.” Next up is CHRISTIAN, who is biracial, and a Tech Consultant. LUKE is from Texas, and is a country boy rancher who is also a War Vet. That is a small taste of the douche-baggery. Now here is the rest, as Jo Jo stands outside the mansion and greets each guy one by one for their first ever meeting.

MEETING THE MEN :

JoJo appeared outside the mansion in her tan sparkling gown, as each man approached her one by one to be introduced for the first time. Some of the highlights/lowlights included: Robby, a Former Pro Swimmer (again, UNEMPLOYED), brought a bottle of wine which they both sipped out of together. Will, an engineer, tried desperately to be funny by purposely mixing up his index cards that had lines of dialogue on them – it ended up being an epic comedy fail. Daniel is “Canadian.” That’s it. That’s all we know about Daniel. Usually under their name, it says what they do for a living – his just said “Canadian.” So I guess that’s a profession now? Being Canadian? How much does that pay? Are there benefits? Someone named James Taylor came out with his guitar and sang to her. A dork named Jonathan appeared in a Kilt, and told Jo Jo he wasn’t wearing any underwear underneath. Then he made a lame joke about how he is half Scottish and half Chinese, but no worries, because his bottom half is Scottish. It was obviously a dumb joke about Chinese men having small penises, but dumb JoJo didn’t really get it, and mumbled: “Huh? What does that mean?” To which he replied: “I’ll let you interpret that one on your own.” AWKWARD!!!! Next up was a dude named Nick who dressed as Santa Claus (Get it? Saint Nick?) and yelled “Jo Jo Jo!!!!” instead of “Ho Ho Ho!” THE ENTIRE EVENING. It got old after the first five minutes. He also creepily said to Jo Jo “So I understand you’ve been a good girl this year.” Ewww. Meanwhile, the men who were already inside Testosterone Mansion were already knocking back whiskeys and beers and wine as they awaited all the introductions to be over, so they were in rare form ALREADY with their insults toward one another.

Meanwhile, more insanity from the guys coming out of the limos. One dude brought blue Stress balls, put them in Jo Jo’s hands, and told her “when you are stressed, you have permission to squeeze my balls.” Gross. Someone whose name is Coley (Really? That’s a name?), is in Real Estate, and wants to be the one to take Jo Jo off the market. (Another zinger of a pun. Everyone BOO!!!! all together now.) Brandon is a “Hipster.” That is all. Just a hipster. Again, no job or point except that he’s a hipster. Nick with an S. initial broke into splits and danced with Jo Jo. Vinny said he didn’t have any champagne but wanted to “prepare a toast’, then pulled out a piece of actual toast. Erectile Dysfunction Guy yelled “God Bless America!” at seeing Jo Jo and how pretty she is. Another dude brought the acappella band ALL 4 ONE with him, because he’s a DJ and has connections I guess, to serenade JoJo with their song “I Swear.” Except they stayed THE ENTIRE EVENING, and that got old after about ten minutes. Christian came in on a motorcycle, and Luke rode in on a unicorn. Okay. Everybody got all that? I think that just about covers the arrival of the douche-bags.

LET THE DOUCHE-BAGGERY BEGIN:

Now that everyone is inside the mansion, it’s time for all these men to start acting a fool, be a bunch of drunks, and generally make fools of themselves. This begins immediately, as Marine guy starts doing push-ups with Jo Jo on top of him. Meanwhile, Ali keeps getting hairier by the second, as his eyebrows and face-hair take over the mansion slowly. Everyone is nervous. Jo Jo tells them “don’t be nervous.” They drink more. She states that she wants to feel a natural immediate attraction with someone. This happens with Jordan, the unemployed football dude. They talk while sitting outside, and she rubs his hands the whole time, and keeps licking her lips like she wants to eat him. It is mildly disturbing. She is giving him bedroom eyes, big time. He leaves her without kissing her, then comes back later and they kiss a lot. She is smitten. Later, Will plays a silly game with her where she has to choose numbers and colors and things, and the corresponding message that she chooses says that she will be kissed. So they kiss, but it’s really lame and awkward and it’s the way that someone kisses when maybe they are kissing their weird aunt and they really don’t want to. Whereas, kissing Jordan felt “good and right, and … his butt! HIS BUTT!!!” That was Jo Jo’s deep and meaningful statement about THAT.

Douche-bag host Chris Harrison comes in and leaves the first impression rose on a tray at the coffee table, and all the men lose their shit. Wells takes her aside (whose name is WELLS??? What the F kind of name is that?) and once again, that damn ALL 4 ONE band follows him and they sing in the background as the two talk awkwardly. Everyone keeps drinking more alcohol, and acting stupid. Everyone wants time with Jo Jo. Chad is such a creep with a hugely creepy vibe directly from Creep-ville, but Jo Jo finds him mysterious and sexy. Yuck. He tells cameras: “I’m pretty confident that if I want Jo Jo, I can have Jo Jo.” Then he drinnks some more and stares creepily with his beady eyes at her. Then Daniel the “Canadian” gets insanely drunk and starts acting like a moron from hell. Within minutes, he is shirtless, then he is sans pants, and then slurring and walking around in bikini briefs. He jumps into the pool, flexes his abs at the camera, and just stays half nude the whole night for no reason. In his time with Jo Jo, he talks about You Tube videos and asks her “Have you been keeping up with the internets?” What the hell are you babbling about? Put down the whiskey, weirdo. Then he pokes Erectile Dysfunction Evan in the bellybutton for no reason whatsoever, to which Erectile says: “Hey! You can’t just go around poking other guys in the belly button!” Other guys get drunk, interrupt Jo Jo’s interview time, and act like idiots. “Everyone is drunk, apparently,” she observes. Ali plays beautiful piano for her as his eyebrow hairs grow more. Luke buys her a pair of cowboy boots. She starts licking her lips again while talking to him, smacking them together in an annoying manner. Jordan gets the first impression rose, and then Harrison breaks up the madness by telling her that it is now time for the Rose Ceremony. Time to send some douche-bags home.

ROSE CEREMONY:

Right away we can tell this is going to be an incredibly boring season – the kind of season where they try to create drama where there isn’t any -something this show loves to do. But doing that one episode one is a very bad sign. Just as the rose ceremony is getting underway, Former Bachelor Jake shows up and steals Jo Jo away from the men. Of course, they all flip out, asking each other if he is there to be part of the show, and freaking out about it in angry tones. Meanwhile, he tells Jo Jo in the other room that he couldn’t let her “do this, without talking to me first.” Then he says: “I want love —— for you. And I believe its in that room.” He was obviously sent there by the producers to shake things up some, since its so damn boring already, and Kilt Guy or Erectile Dysfunction Guy aint cutting it with the crazy. Anyway, turns out good ole Jake is a family friend to Jo Jo , and was only there offering his good wishes and advice. Awwww, how sweet and convenient.

Rose Ceremony ends. Kilt Guy is sent home, calling the experience “a kick in the balls.” Which has to really hurt with no underwear. Someone named Peter also goes home, which is fine since I never knew who the hell he was in the first place anyway. And others go home who are equally as pointless. And yet, she KEEPS drunken idiotic Daniel, who is Canadian. Did you know he is Canadian?

NEXT WEEK: Host Chris Harrison masturbates with a rose in the Fantasy Suite. Jo Jo cries over someone. One of the men gets drunk. Several men go shirtless. Someone rides in a helicopter or gets a private concert as part of their date. Everything is amazing, and everyone is excited about the journey.

About Kelley Lynn

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