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‘The Bachelor’ Review: I Can See a Life-Life With You

Hey, everyone, did you know that Mexico City, Mexico is “the perfect place to fall in love?” This, and more genius observation, from our trusty and predictably-scripted TV romance show. Ben / Bland Man tells cameras as he stands longingly by the water: “I feel like this is a great place for love.” Do ya? Do ya really feel that, Ben? I’m sure you do. And then next week, you will have those same exact scripted feelings for whatever next city this dumb show is flying you to next. Anyway, we begin this week’s trainwreck with Jubilee Friendlys Dessert feeling very insecure about this process, telling cameras: “11 girls all dating the same guy. I’m trying to deal with it all.” Muppet, on the other hand, is feeling overly confident in her delusional mind with thoughts like: “Ben doesnt validate people the way he validates me. Our love language is reserved for us.” No. The crazy-train going to Crazy-ville is reserved for you, LoonyTunes. Meanwhile, the first one-on-one date goes to Amanda, and Muppet is NOT HAPPY!!! Amanda is filled with “likes” in her excitement: “I’m, like, so excited, that, like, I get to , like, spend time with Ben and like, see what this is for us. Its like, amazing.” Muppet makes a comment about Amanda having kids and Ben not wanting that. How the hell does SHE know what Ben wants?

4:20 am. Ben shows up at Hormone Mansion in middle of the night to wake Amanda for their early date. He does this in the creepiest way possible of course. Not by turning on the lights like a human being, but instead creeping around with a flashlight in the pitch dark and shaking girls awake while laughing maniacally. “This is what I’m here for, to see these girls in their element.” Their element? Snoring? Sleeping? Creeping them out? Lauren with an H. initial looks like ass in the morning, as her face looks confused and she rushes to get her retainer out of her gross mouth. Yuck. Ben says something like “That’s okay. I wear one too.” Then he points at the wig/weave by the bed and says “Who’s weave is that?” Stupidly enough, the girls all sleep together, sharing large beds like they are at camp or something. Really? This show can’t spring for everyone to get their own bed? Ridiculous and silly. Anyway, all the girls look shocked that he is there, and then Amanda wakes up looking perfect for no reason. Her hair is in place, she doesn’t look frazzled, and she is happy to see Ben .03 seconds after her eyes open. She rises out of bed with a chipper “Good morning!” like some sort of Disney character. Ben drives her to the location where they will take a hot-air balloon ride as the sun comes up, hence the early hour. They kiss, then sit in a meadow with a picnic and kiss some more. Amanda says “like” 57 more times. “This is amazing. I can’t believe this is, like, my life right now. Its like, nerve-wracking, like, I don’t know. I’m like, nervous and then, like, as soon as I’m with you, I, like, feel so much better. It’s so, like, unnatural for me to , like, take time for myself.” Yes, this is the dialogue of a grown woman and NOT a 14-year-old girl. At the romantic meal portion of their date later on, Amanda tells Ben that she was married previously, and the marriage was, like, bad. “He, like, wasnt the nicest person to me. I found, like, texts on his phone. He was meeting up with exes and girls. I was, like, so unhappy.” Bland Man is blandly supportive and tells her she is incredible. He gives her the rose and they, like, kiss some more.

GROUP DATE ORGY:

On this particular orgy is Friendlys Dessert, Becca, stupid name JoJo, Caila, little child “twin” Emily, Lauren with a B. initial, Jen, no-lines Leah, and Muppet, who is upset that she is on the group date and not the second one-on-one. “He’s mine. I need him.” Okay creeper. She then opens her mouth wide and stares into camera. Friendlys Dessert says how much she hates group dates. They all go into a classroom and sit at desks. A spanish teacher walks in an begins teaching them spanish lessons. Makes them get up one at a time with Ben and say different loving things in spanish. “I want to kiss you.” “I love you”, and other silly things they are told to repeat in spanish. When it is Friendly Dessert’s turn, she calls bullshit on the whole thing, pointing out to Ben when he says “Te Amo” to her, that he said the same thing to the 4 girls before her just now. Then she pulls away from him when he tries to hold her hand, and she sits back down. Muppet is next, and Ben has to say “Will you marry me?”Muppet is once again convinced this was a secret message and part of their nonexistent love language. She makes up another word pronunciation in true Sarah Palin style, and says “There was ELECTRICI–TAY with Ben and me just now!” After the lessons, they split up into pairs and then have to shop at market for ingredients , and then make a recipe that is written all in Spanish. Muppet and Friendlys Dessert both want to partner with Ben, and Muppet wins out because she desperately clings on to him more and begs him practically to work with her. She says “I claimed you!” Friendlys is upset and ends up working with Lauren with a B.

Jen and creepy child Emily work together, and Jen notes: “Emily tries to be helpful, but I don’t think her palate has expanded past the kids menu.” You got that right. Meanwhile, Muppet makes the most of her time with Bland Ben, feeding him in the market and flirting where all the other girls can see. Emily tells cameras: “Olivia makes me sick and her breath is horrible. It smells like dog shit.” Wow. Ben makes the dumbest joke ever in life with this gem: “Hey girls! I’m no longer The Bachelor. I’m the Spatula!” Really? This is the doofus that all these women are fighting for? Once all the dishes are done, the judges, the owners of the market/restaurant, taste test them and give their opinion on a winner, which ends up being Friendlys Dessert and LaurenB, who receive absolutely fucking nothing for their troubles.

Later at the cocktail party, Muppet AGAIN grabs Ben immediately. Cant this idiot just say NO sometimes? Like, when someone is dominating his time or someone (Muppet) keeps interrupting EVERYONE that talks to him, cant he just say: “You know what? I’m with this person right now. Lets talk later.” So Ben and Muppet go off somewhere and start kissing. Yuck. “My Ben-giddy smile is back”, she says. Friendlys Dessert starts getting more mad as she watches each girl go off with him, and she is waiting and waiting. Lauren with a B. and Ben kiss for a long time in the street of the city. When he finally comes for Friendlys, he asks for her hand and she refuses. “Lets not hold hands right now” she says as they walk out together awkwardly. He tells her that he thought they had something to build on, but that she has pulled away lately. “I go to grab your hand, and you pull away. How is that supposed to make me feel?”, he asks her. She tries to explain that she is uncomfortable doing that in front of the others, and she asks him not to give up on her. “Please don’t”, she says. He says nothing. Then she asks if he sees more for them, and he says “No, I do not”, in a nutshell. “I think its best that maybe we say goodbye tonight.” He walks her out, she cries a lot and leaves on an extremely sad note. I actually feel for her. She is better than what this show is – that is the problem. She isnt into the bullshit phony part of the process, and she has no problem showing that, but because of that, she comes across as snobby. She cries into her hands and says “I’m the most unlovable person in the world right now.” Meanwhile, Ben has to stop and collect himself as well, after saying goodbye to her. He sheds a couple of manly tears after their departure, then its back to the women to let them know that Friendlys is gone. Before he can get out a full sentence about it, JoJo interrupts and steals him away. She tells him that he handles things with grace, and they kiss a lot. Then he goes back to girls again, and gives out the group rose “to someone who I reconnected with tonight.” Muppet!!! He gives it to Muppet Mouth. JoJo is NOT HAPPY!!!!

LAUREN AND BEN:

So Lauren with an H. initial have the second one-on-one date, and all I can really say about her is that she is WEIRD. Weird looking face, weird-looking mouth, (lots of people on this show have weird mouth), talks weird, makes weird expressions, and is just overall weird. They go to a high-end fashion store, during Fashion Week in Mexico City. Meanwhile, at home, the bimbos all gossip about Muppet. Emily “She is so fake. He needs to know I’m sick of her negative energy. It needs to be gone.” Lauren and Ben watch a fashion show, and then enter one themselves, walking the runway after being made up and made over. “The only walking I do is walking my kids out to recess!”, Lauren says. As they go down the runway in opposite directions, Ben gives her a wink. He says he is so proud of her. At dinner, he wants to see if they connect romantically. She tells him about her ex-boyfriend who cheated on her “with 3 girls.” Wait … what??? At the same time? Or separately? Either way, more details are needed. They kiss, and they kiss more in the street. She tells camera she is falling for Ben, and he gives her the rose.

COCK-TAIL PARTY AND OVER-DRAMATIC ENDING :

Muppet is bragging to cameras: “Screw being insecure anymore. I got the group rose, I’m not going anywhere. It smells really fresh. LIVE from Mexico City – I am falling for Ben. That’s me!” What on earth are you talking about? Youre not doing a newscast. You probably lost your job there months ago, if you ever really WERE a news anchor to begin with. Personally, I think you’re just a loon who imagined herself as a news anchor. Anyway, she looked into camera and opened her mouth widely. JoJo takes Ben aside and tells him she never wants to feel blindsided, and he promises her that she never will. Lauren with a B. initial tells him “I could see a life with you. Like, a LIFE. Like, a life-life. Its terrifying.” First of all, what the hell is a “life-life?” Secondly, EVERYTHING is “terrifying” to this chick. The woman are gathered outside drinking as usual, as different girls get private time with Ben. Amanda starts talking about her kids and mentions something about the babysitter picking them up or something, and Muppet says “I feel like it’s an episode of ‘Teen Mom.’ I’m watching.” Amanda: “Whats that?” Muppet: “You know that show … ” Amanda is pissed off . Tells cameras “First of all, I was 22 when I had my first kid, and 24 when I had my second. I’m an adult. I have my shit together. That was not a very nice thing for her to say.” Wow, 3 whole sentences without a LIKE in there. I guess she needs to be pissed to stop saying LIKE every other word. She tells Muppet “you don’t say something like that to someone. That’s like if I said to you that you remind me of Snooki because she was a hot mess.” Muppet responds with nonsense: “I’m learning a lot about myself and yeah. Um … sorry. Im gonna try harder.”

But it’s too late. Twin lady-child Emily is on the warpath and has gone to tattle-tale to Ben. She starts to tell Ben that Muppet is disrespectful, he asks her in what way, and she is sobbing like a 12-year-old who just got her lunch money stolen. Muppet comes out of nowhere and is suddenly walking down the steps toward them, because she is aware that Emily is talking about her to Ben, and she wants to “squash it.” So Emily runs away and goes off to call her twin sister Haley, the one who got booted last week. She is sobbing like a freak for no reason, and she whines on her phone: “Olivia was mean to me!!! Waaaahhh!!!!” Her sister seems like she could not care any less, and then Emily cries some more for good measure. She keeps crying and saying “I’m sad.” Ben tries getting some answers out of Muppet about what the hell happened, but she provides nothing. Ben then asks Amanda about things going on in the house, and she says she felt targeted by Muppet. Now Ben is questioning his feelings for Muppet even though she has the rose already, and he asks her to talk privately. Emily predicts “Shes done for. No more Olivia. Stay tuned.” And then TO BE CONTINUED shows on the screen. Of course, Muppet will spin this in her direction somehow and then stick around for a lot longer.

NEXT WEEK: Emily drops her ice-cream cone and calls Haley sobbing. Ben dumps all of the girls and runs off to be with Friendlys Dessert. Host Chris Harrison disappears, and nobody notices for 2 weeks. He is found crying in a corner and eating rose pedals one by one, while muttering to himself quietly: “Ben. Ben. Ben ……….”

About Kelley Lynn

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