Week Two of The Bachelor, aka this insanely stupid series, began with a montage of all of the ladies raving on and on about how fantastic Bachelor Ben/Peter Brady is. Saying things to camera such as: “Ben is so dreamy. He is the best ever!” and “Ben is the best Bachelor on the planet ever, ever, ever in life, like, ever.” Or something like that. I may have left out one “like” in that ridiculous excuse for the English language of a sentence. Anyway, here we are in the second episode of this utter nonsense, and this week, Ben has his very first One on One Date, along with two Group Dates, or what I like to call “Orgies.” Let us begin to re-cap the madness.
ORGY NUMERO UNO:
One of the girls stands up and reads the first Date Card with all the names of those that will go on the first Group Date with Ben. They are: someone named Jackie, someone named Lauren L.B. (WTF???), someone different named Lauren H., someone with the stripper name of Amber, creepy dentist girl Mandy, someone who for reasons unknown refers to herself as “JoJo”, someone else named Jubilee (which sounds like a dessert for kids at Friendly’s), Jennifer (because there’s always a Jennifer), Becca, and, of course, psycho-Giant Teeth, Lace. Giant Teeth tells the cameras AGAIN: “I get to redeem myself from drinking too much the other night. That wasn’t me. I’m not crazy. I’m not a crazy girl at all. ” Right. Because that is what non-crazy people do – they go around telling everyone over and over again that they are NOT crazy, dammit!
This was perhaps one of the lamest Group Dates of all time, and believe me, if you watch this silly-ass show, that is saying a lot. I didn’t even really understand the point of it, but then again, there never is a point to anything they do on this program. Ben took the girls to “Bachelor High School”, an actual high school, where they had to get into pairs and participate in different “classes” for no reason whatsoever. Hey, lets all pretend we are 16 again! Why? No idea. What does that have to do with compatibility issues or finding someone to love? NOTHING! And is this Ben’s old high school? I have no idea! I must have missed that part, because it seemed unclear to me. Anyway, pointless Host Chris Harrison was dressed as some sort of nerdy High School Principal, and made announcements over the loudspeaker. First up was Science Class, in which the girls had to get into pairs and follow instructions for a project. The first four teams to make “Ben’s volcano explode” move on.
Really? Lace and Jubilee lose because Lace is a dumb-ass who can’t read or comprehend simple instructions. Next up was LUNCH. Really? Lunch? Of course, they had to make it all sexual innuendos with food. If you thought the “make Ben’s volcano explode” innuendo was bad or tacky, check out the “passing red apples back and forth with our mouths” contest. Because, again, this is so relevant to finding a life partner. The girls basically dipped their faces and mouths into wads of water filled with apples, grabbed one without using their hands, and passed it on to another girls mouth. First of all, EWWW!!! Second of all, why? OH, wait. I know why. So they can make awful “blowjob” innuendo comments, in this case about Jackie, who apparently has a small mouth. Everyone had to comment on the size of her mouth, saying she “isn’t great with her mouth” and “she wishes she had a bigger mouth.” Does she? Who writes this crap? Can we just call this the “c**k-sucking whore contest” and be done with it? Thanks.
So, after the girls humiliate themselves by being sexualized, next up is showing us all just how dumb they really are. In their teams, they had to find Ben’s home state of Indiana, on a map. Actually, they had to PLACE it on a magnetic map. Let me just say first of all that NOBODY got it exactly right. Mandi and Amber were closest, but nobody placed Indiana exactly where it should be. Lots of teams got it very wrong, but coming in last place for the biggest epic fail was the moron team of Becca and JoJo, who placed Indiana somewhere around Canada. Since creepy dentist and stripper-name Amber were closest, they had to compete in a hurdles race in order to win Ben time and the title of “HomeComing Queen.” I’m embarrassed just typing that. The creepy dentist girl wins, wears a stupid banner and crown, and rides around a couple of times in a car with Ben as the others are forced to stand there and watch and hail the Homecoming Queen. Is this over yet?
Later that night, Ben has a cocktail party with the girls in the Group Orgy/Date. Becca is the first to take him aside. They play a little basketball, and flirt a little. Then Jennifer takes him aside, and they kiss. When Jen returns to the common area where all the girls are gathered for their usual one or ten glasses of wine, they question her as to whether or not they kissed. She says yes, and psycho Giant-Teeth Lace is NOT happy. “I’m aggravated. I’m getting that rose tonight. Do you even notice me? Hello???,” she whines to the cameras. Later, she takes boring Ben aside and says she is sorry for last night. “That is not me. I’m not crazy like that. ” Ben mutters something unintelligible, and then Lace stares into his mouth area LIKE SHE IS GOING TO EAT HIS FACE OFF, and then says to cameras: “We, were, like, almost eye-f**king.” No. YOU were creepily staring into his eyeballs and inside his tonsils, and he was cluelessly and blankly looking back with his usual look of confusion. Suddenly, Friendly’s ice-cream dessert Jubilee interrupts, and Lunatic Lace is NOT happy. Again. “This is NOT finished”, she tells cameras.
Meanwhile, Jubilee tells Ben about her childhood and that she was an orphan. He tells her he thinks she is amazing with her military background and such. She blushes and they kiss tenderly. Ginormous Teeth makes it known that she is unhappy about being interrupted by an ice-cream dessert. She whines AGAIN about not getting enough time with Ben. “Fuck these bitches. They can suck it.” But she’s NOT crazy. I know, and Ben knows, because she keeps telling him. After awhile, Ben comes by to get JoJo. He takes her to the roof, where they sway/dance romantically and he tells her he likes her attitude. They kiss, and he gives the group date rose to her. Giant Teeth and Ice-cream dessert are NOT HAPPY.
MOST BORING ONE ON ONE DATE OF ALL TIME:
So Pimp Daddy Host Harrison sets up the first one on one date for Caila and Ben. He sets them up with his “friends” Kevin Hart and Ice Cube. Yeah. Okay. If you believe for one second that these guys are FRIENDS with Chris Harrison, well, you’re dumber than the girls who couldn’t locate Indiana. Anyway, Caila and Ben go on a “ride along” date with Kevin and Ice Tea sitting in the back seat – which of course, is to promote their new film “Ride Along 2.” Subtle, eh? Never has White boy Peter Brady / Ben looked SO out-of-place before than trying to fit in with these two hip guys. It was even more awkward when Ben was casually “describing” who they are to cameras. “Kevin Hart is a comedian, and Ice Cube has done everything from acting to rap!” They drive along, pick up flowers off the street, go to a liquor store, and then a hot tub store to sit in the hot tub together. I guess this was supposed to be funny, this whole thing with Kevin Hart, but it really wasn’t. It was kind of lame. Eventually, they let those two clowns go, and the two go out alone for the night portion of the date. They have dinner, and he gives her the rose. Then they get a private concert from someone named Amus Lee, who I guess we are supposed to know or something. Ben is singing along with the ballad as they dance, saying its his favorite song ever. He sings to her, they kiss, and she tells cameras “I could see myself falling in love with Ben.” And I could see myself falling asleep watching these two. Snooze-ville.
ORGY NUMBER TWO:
So the second orgy included Emily, Shoshana (who didn’t speak any english last week and now randomly does), Samantha, Haley, Amanda, and Open Mouth Muppet Face Olivia. So, before we go any further, we must discuss Olivia and her Muppet Faces. WTF is she doing with the open-mouthed face every five minutes? (Please, for the love of all things Bachelor, Workprint.com, find a picture of Olivia and her mouth wide open like a Muppet and post it with this review). I mean, what IS that??? Also, every time they show Emily or Haley, it just says “Twin”, where their occupation would normally go. Twin? Really? Is that a job now? So, remember two paragraphs ago when I said that high school thing was the dumbest group date of all time? Wrong. THIS was the dumbest group date of all time.
They went to some weird-ass place called Love Lab Tech, a lab of some kind where they use “science” and Thermal energy and other fancy stupid words that mean nothing, to determine if these women are compatible sexually, with Ben. They blindfolded Ben and he went around SNIFFING the girls one by one like the way a dog sniffs out another dog. Seriously? Then he would say out loud what they smelled like. He called Samantha “kind of sour.” Well, ain’t that nice. Then they say different girls next to Ben on a bed to sense their natural attraction, and him and Muppet Face went through the charts high, while Samantha got the lowest score all the way around. Olivia screams to camera: “Winning!”
Later that night, they kiss and she tells cameras “There is heat in my stomach area. Oh man. My heart. ” Then she opens her mouth like Guy Smiley and just sits there with her frozen Muppet face. Amanda feels like this is all really hard, and it’s not fair because it’s the “Ben and Olivia show.” Amanda pulls Ben aside for some alone time to tell him that she has 2 daughters. “Theres, like, a lot that, like, I wanted to tell you, that like, I have 2 kids, and like, I could not have asked for like, this to be any better.” They kiss. He asks about her kids and she loves that he is so interested. Then Muppet gets the rose and Amanda is upset. Muppet is saying to camera: “Me. Mine. My rose. Come on now, lets just end the show. ” Meanwhile, Amanda cries “Seriously? Is it, like, even worth it, for like, me to be here?” No. But it’s probably worth it for you to take some , like, grammar lessons and stuff.
See what I did there? It’s a cocktail party, where they drink their faces off, but it’s also a party all about cocks … and tails. Ben pulls Leah aside first and while she is talking to him, he keeps grabbing kisses from her in mid sentence. Meanwhile, Giant Teeth and Muppet Mouth have a weird conversation where Lace tells Muppet how she still hasn’t had enough time with Ben. Then Lace goes to Ben, and she suddenly goes into this bizarre monologue to him that makes no sense and blabbers on and on: “I know IM not crazy. Im not a crazy person. I was so dorky in high school. Like, people made fun of me and stuff. I was dorky looking and they teased me.” Ben had zero reaction because he is the King of Bland, and Giant Teeth ran away sobbing that she just made a fool of herself by bringing out “insecure Lace.” Meanwhile, Lauren L.B. and stripper name Amber whine that they have LITERALLY had no time with Ben. Then Lauren B, who is different from Lauren H and different from Lauren LB, also has not had lots of time. Ben takes Amanda aside and they make homemade barrettes for her daughter’s hair. She cries with joy at the sweet gesture from Ben.
Ben chooses Lauren LB as one of the girls to keep during the rose ceremony, but she pulls him aside and tells him this is all too much for her and she decides to leave. Hey that’s okay babe, we still have TWO more Laurens to work with. Peter Brady let’s go Samantha, because, lets face it, she smells sour. Also, her voice sounds like she just swallowed a cheese grater. The crazy dentist also gets eliminated, along with a third person who is so pointless, I don’t recall her name. Harrison condescendingly says “Say your goodbyes” to those rejected, as if they are going to the electric chair.
NEXT WEEK: Someone named Lauren T joins the cast of The Bachelor, confusing everyone completely. Chris Harrison marries a rose. Muppet Face opens her mouth and it gets stuck that way forever.