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The Bachelor

‘The Bachelor’ Review: Muppet Face Grieves Her Fat Toes and Cankles

This week, The Bachelor opens with 3 of the girls gossiping outside “Alcoholic Mansion” about Muppet-Mouth Olivia, and their dislike of her. Says pointless girl #1: “I don’t, like, trust her, like, I’ve tried to, like, connect, but I just, like, cant.” At this point in the brilliant conversation, Host Pimp Daddy Chris Harrison strolls in to tell the girls the usual. “This week, there will be 3 dates. One group date, and two one-on-ones.” He dramatically exits, leaving the first date card behind. Lauren with a B. initial, who is a different person than Lauren with an H. initial, gets the first one on one. The other girls are NOT happy and roll their eyes fiercely.

LAUREN AND PETER BRADY:

Ben/Peter Brady picks Lauren up in a convertible and asks her to guess where he is taking her. Turns out they are going to a small airport, and getting into a tiny bi-plane, which are known for stunts. Lauren, a flight attendant, is terrified at first, but then she is soon charmed by Ben’s boring persona. They fly over Drama Mansion, just to rub it in the girls faces I guess, and boy does it work. Reactions from the girls below ranged from: “I can’t EVEN!!!” (Emily), to “I’m trying not to think about him feeling the love-bug with Lauren B. right now”. (Muppet). When Ben and Lauren arrive at their destination, some random isolated field, he picks her up and gives her piggyback across the meadow. They soon arrive at a jacuzzi, which is literally sitting in the middle of the outdoors for no reason. He tells that she can go and change “behind the tree” and she comes back in full bikini mode. They sit in the hot tub and kiss a lot, and he squeals “Dang, you’re cute.” WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, YOUNG MAN!

Meanwhile, at Crazy-town Mansion, Caila is talking to another girl and says: “I’m, like, just now realizing that, like, other girls are, like, here.” Really? You’re JUST NOW realizing this? That’s the ENTIRE premise of this silly-ass show. How could you NOT realize this, dummy? Then she starts sobbing while talking, and doing that annoying “wave away my tears with my hand like a fan” thing. “Like, I could potentially get my heart-broken. It’s so hard.” More sobbing. The chick she is talking to has zero reaction and offers nothing in the way of comfort.

Meanwhile, Ben and Lauren are at the romantic dinner portion of their date. This is the part where nobody ever eats anything, and they have dumb conversations while not eating. They discuss Lauren’s love for the simple things in life, and also her love for her dad, whom she mentions about 750 times in the course of 10 minutes. Creep-ville..

“I want someone who can be, like, the kind of dad to my kids that my dad is, like, to me.” Peter Brady tells cameras: “This girl is special. I want this girl to REALLY know me.” What the hell does that mean? Did you have gender reassignment surgery or something? Should she call you Caitlyn? What exactly are you hiding? Finally, he tells her about his own dad, who had a triple bypass and some health issues, and how scary that was for his family. He is okay now, but it made Ben realize the fragility of love, life, marriage, etc. And with that, he gives Lauren the rose by saying: “Lauren, will you accept my rose?” Ewww. That’s a bit weird. MY rose. Is that how he has sex too? “Random Woman that I’m having sex with right now, would you accept my cock?” After dinner, another musician I have never heard of (Lucy Angel) performs a private concert for them inside a huge barn-like place. They dance. They kiss. Ben says to cameras that it feels like the perfect type of date you might have with your future wife.

Meanwhile, back at Over-Dramatic Mansion, there is more crying over things that haven’t even happened yet. These ladies love to make up drama that doesn’t even exist. Jubilee Friendly’s Dessert is sobbing into her gigantic press-on nails that “I just wanna, like, stick out to him. I think he goes for the always happy, nice, good girls. He has a type and it’s SO not ME!!! Like, it just sucks! Waaaahhhh!!!!!” More crying. Again, the person she is talking to, who may or may not be a different person than the person Caila was talking to earlier, offers up zero comfort or words of support. She just sits there and blankly watches her cry.

GROUP SOCCER ORGY DATE:

The Group Date consists of Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushana, Leah, Amber, Lauren with an H. initial, Muppet Mouth, Jami, Rachel, (who the hell is Rachel?), Lunatic Giant Teeth Lace, and Emily. Of course, the “twins” have to go everywhere together. And by the way, holy shit there’s a lot of girls on this date. They could just leave Ben behind altogether and nobody would even notice.

The girls are brought to the Coliseum for a Soccer Match, and they get help from U.S. World Cup Winners Kelly O’Hara and Alex Morgan, who coaches them. Lauren H. says to camera: “I have zero ball-handling skills.” Muppet tells cameras: “Ben looks so good today with his blue, and his eyes, and his pants.” Ummm … what??? Then she made her open-mouthed Muppet face. Pimp Daddy Harrison shows up and breaks the ladies into two teams that will then play one another, with the winning team getting to remain on the night date with Ben. The Stars vs. The Stripes. The twins are split up and must play one another. Emily is randomly kicking ass (get it? Kicking ass? Soccer? ) as the goalie, and Ben is losing his mind with excitement over her skills. I think he was orgasming at one point, he seemed so turned on.

The game is a tie score, and goes to sudden death. Rachel gets hurt, but she’s a trooper and gets right back up again. Jami scores the winning goal, and Emily finally misses one. They go home and cry some more.

Meanwhile, Ben and the six winners have a toast by the fire outside. Muppet pulls him aside immediately, pissing off all the other girls. Lace to camera: “To no ones surprise, Olivia took Ben upstairs to one of the hotel rooms, waving with him from the balcony down to us. It was kind of a slap in the face.” Muppet then tells Ben that the girls find her intimidating. They kiss.

Meanwhile, the girls are sitting by the fire making fun of Muppet. Amber says that she has “fat toes”, and then Lace makes her say it again, but louder, with more feeling!!! Lace agrees, and then they also discuss her boobs looking fake, and that she has bad breathe. One of the girls takes Muppet aside and tells her the others were mocking her toes. Her response is “Oh my god. Perfection is so lame. SO LAME!!!!” Then she sat with her mouth wide open.

Lace pulls Ben aside and again they have another totally awkward conversation about how they never get enough time to have more awkward conversations. Then Amber gets time with him, and they connect and kiss quite a bit. Amber tells the cameras she is on Cloud 9, and he gives Amber the group date rose.

FRIENDLY’S DESSERT JUBILEE AND BEN AND WHATEVER:

The second Date Card arrives and it is for Jubilee, which we established is also the name of an ice-cream dessert at Friendly’s. It looks like a roll and has many layers of goodness. Yum. Anyway, Jubilee and her white, scary nails gets the date, and she absolutely flips out, screaming bloody murder like she just won the Powerball. She tells the girls that she gets socially awkward when she’s nervous. Ben shows up and she gets awkward right away and jokes with him: “Youre 20 minutes late. But it’s whatever.” The girls are flabbergasted by this thing called humor and sarcasm, as none of them possess any, and they completely overreact to everything she says going forward. The helicopter shows up in the front yard, and Friendlys ice-cream dessert is nervous again about getting in it, so she jokingly says: “Hey, does anyone else wanna go on my date?” Its a fucking joke and they all need to chill the hell out. Instead, they all start gossiping and calling her pompous and unappreciative and ungrateful. “Oh my god! What did she just say?”, they shockingly observe.

Caila: “She doesn’t appreciate this date she was given.” Jami: “I found that to be super offensive.” Ladies, get over yourselves. Of all the silly-ass things to be angry at, this should not be one of them. I actually like Friendly’s dessert. She is rough around the edges, very real, vulnerable, and not at ALL like the 900 other blonde bimbo mannequins that walk through the doors of Alchoholic Mansion every single season, looking and acting all cookie-cutter.

Clearly, Ben likes Ice-Cream Dessert too, and they are having an awesome time teasing one another and joking around. He flies her to a beautiful Health Spa location, where they eat caviar and she spits it out in disgust as she starts laughing. “I’m so sorry, this is awful”. He laughs too. He tells cameras: “There is something about her that is very attractive to me.” She says she knew the date was going well when she called him ‘white boy’ and he laughed. They swam together and laughed and kissed. She tells cameras that Ben “gets ” her. He tells her at dinner that she is refreshing, and that he wants to know more about her and her childhood and past. She gets very quiet and emotional, as she begins to talk about her traumatic past in Haiti, saying: “I haven’t been able to go back there, because I can’t go back alone. My fears of being unlovable stem from that time, because, well … my whole family died there , except me. I was the only survivor. I have a lot of guilt and things to work out.” Wow. That is heavy for this show. He listens and tells her how incredible she is to have gone through so much in life. He gives her the rose and she cries and sits in his lap and says “thank you so much.” He tells cameras “I love, love, love that Jubilee has so many different layers.” Hey! Just like a Friendly’s ice-cream dessert!

Meanwhile, back at Catty Mansion, all the girls are convinced that Jubilee isn’t coming back and that Ben will send her home, because she is evil and made that joke about someone else going up in the helicopter – so when they see her the next morning, they whisper about her and ignore her, and then accuse HER of being snobbish and stand-offish. Lauren with an H says: “she seems to be pulling back, and I know that Ben wants a wife that will be friends with all the other soccer moms .” GAG!!!!!! Is that what Ben wants? Yuck! And how the hell does this mindless twat know what Ben wants? Maybe the reason Friendly’s dessert is not being social with you all, is because you are all so busy gossiping about her when she is standing 10 feet away from you! Sidenote: I can’t believe I’m actually getting upset about this crap.

COCK-TAIL PARTY:

Now its time for more drinking and more crying because there’s too much drinking. Ben comes into the Mansion main area and tells the girls that he is having a very bad night. He just found out that two family members were killed in a plane crash last night. He is clearly upset, and wants to talk about it, or find comfort somewhere. He tells the cameras: “When things like this happens, I want to find someone to sit with and talk to about it.” Immediately, in the middle of his sentence, Muppet steals him away yet again.

Comically and ridiculously, she sits him down and begins talking about …… wait for it ……… her cankles. She doesn’t even mention the fact that his family members just DIED TRAGICALLY. Nope. She goes on this pointless monologue about herself and her stupid insecurities: “So, I’ve always hated the parts of me down below my knees. I hate my knees, my toes, my cankles. People have made fun of me for it, and people have written blogs about my cankles.” She cries into the cameras: “I’m sorry. It’s so hard to be strong!” GAG!!!!

Meanwhile, Ben tells cameras: “This is not what I want to talk about right now. It would be really nice if someone here would just not think of themselves and come through for me right now.” Friendly’s Dessert does just that, and manages to piss off the women EVEN MORE, since “she already has a rose” and “how dare she spend time with him.” These stupid bitches are so focused on their roses that NOBODY seems aware that BEN’S FAMILY JUST DIED!!!!!!!!! Except Jubilee, who sets up a massage table and takes him to it, asking him to trust her like she trusted him the night before. He loves it, and tells cameras it was exactly what he needed on a night when he was stressed.

All the girls watch her through the bushes and point like little infants. “Are you kidding me? She has a rose!!!” they gush. Lace is once again NOT HAPPY!!! She says that Friendlys is “flaunting her rose around.” Really? Amber goes to get Friendlys and have a come to Jesus talk with her, but Jubilee isn’t having any of the white-girl drama. “I’m not doing your girl-chat,” she says. “No.” Amber says “then we will come to you.” Then she goes inside and tells the girls that Friendlys thinks she is too good to come inside, so they have to go to her. She overhears that, rolls her eyes at the lie, and then walks through the room saying: “I don’t know WHAT drama y’all got going on, but I want no part of it.” She goes upstairs to her room.

Ben gets wind of something going down, and goes up to speak to Friendlys and see whats wrong. Amber comes in for no reason, and begins to explain to Ben that Friendlys dessert made offensive comments about going up in the helicopter. Seriously, he looked at her like “Really? THAT’S what this shit is about? MY FAMILY JUST DIED!!!!” Instead, he simply sticks up for Jubilee and says “I like that Jubilee has a sense of humor and makes jokes, and I want her to feel like she can say anything around me.” He gives her a hug, and pretty much ignores Amber. Then he goes downstairs with the girls and proclaims exhaustedly: “Finally. The drama is over.”

Just then, Loony Lace says “Can I talk to you?” She takes him outside. He seems exhausted by her existence at this point, since this is like the 5th time they have had to “talk” about nothing. This time, though, her rambling on and on has somewhat of a point. “I have a lot of work to do on myself, I wanna be able to offer you more. So maybe I should go home and continue to work on myself, because they say you can’t love someone until you love yourself, and I don’t know if I love myself just yet.” Jesus, woman. That was all very “Oprah” of you. The best part was after her teary monologue about how she is leaving, Ben literally gave ZERO resistance, nor did he seem to care. His response was simply: “Okay. Thanks Lace. Bye.” Not even joking. That is what he said. “Thanks Lace”, like he just finished a business transaction with her. Hilarious.

ROSE CEREMONY:

The mannequins all stood waiting for their roses, and sweating it out whether or not they would be chosen. Jami to cameras: “Jeez Louise! I want that rose!” HEY! WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! In the end, he chooses the lame twins again, Lauren H., Caila, JoJo (who was entirely pointless in this episode), Jennifer, Leah, and Muppet. He chose Muppet, even after her cankles and fat toe monologue. She tells cameras that she is super confident she will get picked, and she says “I wanna marry Ben Higgins.”

Shushana goes home. “I’m in shock”, she says, in tears. Really? I’m in shock you lasted this long, you made zero impression except that you didn’t speak english and then you suddenly did. Jami leaves too. “Im blindsided, I feel like I just got smacked in the face”, she says. “I don’t know what to do anymore when it comes to liking a boy.” Well, maybe start by not referring to it as “liking a boy”, like you’re 12. Her advice to women everywhere? “Dont ever expect anything from humans.” Okay then. Go home to your Mother Ship, ya whackjob.

Meanwhile, the girls inside drink champagne and celebrate being saved for another week. Muppet tells cameras creepily: “We have an unspoken connection. When he hugged me, he squeezed my waist and that was him saying he knows he can’t always give me what I need all of the time, but he knows that I can handle it. ” WTF. You got all that from a squeeze? “He is my man at this point”, she says. Okay Muppet. Put your straight-jacket on. Its time to go back to the Funny Farm.

NEXT WEEK: The cast goes to Las Vegas, where I’m sure more drama and hijinks will ensue. Muppet uses her cankles to distract other gamblers into losing big money. Chris Harrison is overheard talking to himself and pretending to be Ben’s wife in the fantasy suite. Ben’s remaining family members all die and the girls keep talking about fat toes and bad breath.

The End.

About Kelley Lynn

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