The Bachelor is so ridiculously stupid. Yes, we already knew this, but this week was the infamous “Fantasy Suite” episode, otherwise known as the “Will You Spend the Night With Me and Let Me Sleep With You, even though I just slept with that other Girl last night, and that other girl the night before that? ” episode. So Ben and his penis, who we will call Little Ben, took three women to the Fantasy Suite in the following order: Caila, Lauren, and JoJo.
This week we find ourselves in Jamaica, which is the “perfect place to fall in love”, or to screw three different women in the same week and act like it’s no big deal. Ben talks to cameras about how important these “overnights” are, as he creepily touches the romantic bed with his hand, and whines: “It’s really hard to be having multiple feelings for three women.” Awww. Poor Ben. Here we go with the debauchery:
CAILA AND BEN:
Their date starts out with a ride down the river, where the conversation is awkward and silent. She is anxious about the two other women, he tells her not to stress out and enjoy this. He tells cameras: “I think she has something on her mind.” Gee, YA THINK, Einstein??? What gave it away? The fact that she hasn’t said a word during the entire boat ride? Or all the uncomfortable silences? Later, at dinner, she finally decided to tell Ben that she is in love with him. He kisses her, but does not respond in any way. She tells cameras “I know he can’t say anything but I know he feels the same.” Riiiiight. Ben then gives Caila the creepy Fantasy Suite Invite from horn-dog Host Chris Harrison, which he instructs her to read out loud. The card is basically Harrison inviting them to fuck each other in the Fantasy Suite, while he probably watches on a hidden camera nearby while pleasuring himself. Caila decides to spend the night with Ben and Little Ben, and they draw the shades to cameras and then do the nasty. The next morning, there is coffee and breakfast in bed, and Caila says: “That was a great night. I love you.” Again he says nothing, and just stares into space, probably thinking: “I totally just fucked you.” He leaves eventually, and Caila is all giddy and happy, saying: “We woke up as a couple today. I love him.” Yuck.
LAUREN AND BEN:
So now its time for the overnight date with Lauren and Ben, which happens the day after Caila and Ben. So this dude is just boffing people left and right, and his penis is getting some crazy action. Meanwhile, Lauren wants to tell Ben that she is in love with him, because apparently, all of these dumb women are in love with Ben. His brilliant commentary on all of this? “It’s almost weird going from one woman after I’ve just shared the night with another.” Ummm, YA THINK??? They go to the beach, and they release baby sea turtles into the ocean after washing them, to help them from going extinct. Then they talk about how they both think the other person is too good to be true. They kiss a lot. They are making out in the water and a rainbow appears above them. Later that night, they are having their romantic dinner date where nobody ever eats a damn thing. Lauren tells Ben she cant help but think of the other women that are still here. She says it is “TERRIFYING” to be part of this. Everything is freakin terrifying to these people. Ben hands her the creepy Harrison Fuck Invite Card, and she reads it aloud as instructed. Ben tells cameras that “There is one thing Lauren and I need – time.” I think he meant sex, but whatever. They get to the Fantasy Suite, and Lauren tells Ben “I am completely in love with you.” He smiles, and he responds to her with: “I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well.” She is shocked and happy, and they both are giddy as all hell because they both love each other apparently. They also draw the blinds and do the nasty. This is all so damn classy. They wake up the next morning to breakfast in bed, and he tells her again that he loves her. She tells cameras “Ben is my person.” Now we are 2 for 2 on the fucking for Ben…….
JOJO AND BEN:
As Ben approaches his third overnight date in three days, he tells cameras: “My heart is with Lauren still. But then there’s JoJo. Its confusing.” Is it??? I don’t think your penis is all that confused. He seems to be working overtime. Hey, I have an idea to help get rid of some of that confusion jumble in your head. Put your penis in JoJo too!!! Why not??? Let’s go three for three. They jump into some water from some cliffs and start swimming. After their swim, she nervously tells him “I do love you and I’m TERRIFIED.” Again with the terrified. He responds: “JoJo, I love you too. ” Alrighty then. So he is in love with 2 women, and he is sleeping with three. What a guy. He tells cameras “I don’t know how you can be in love with two women, but I am.” They have their romantic dinner and nobody eats food. She tells cameras she has ZERO doubts that he will be her husband. Right, because he said I LOVE YOU. Little does she know he also said that to Lauren. The creepy Fuck Invite Card arrives from Hornball Harrison. She says yes to the massive fuck session. They go sit in a hot tub, then back to the room for prime fucking. Time to do the nasty! Next morning … you guessed it …. breakfast in bed yet again. She says lovingly: “You gave me so much more than you needed to yesterday.” Yeah, like YOUR COCK! He tells cameras: “I am in love with two women here. With Caila I just couldn’t say it. Theres just something missing. I’m not looking forward to breaking her heart.” Well aren’t you a prince? Meanwhile, after JoJo leaves, Caila is on her way to surprise Ben, but little does she know, he will be sending her home. He is sitting outside when she arrives, and she finds him and blocks his eyes with her hands, and comes up behind him and kisses him. He is totally awkward and asking “What the ….”, totally shocked to see this girl that he screwed and now will screw OVER. Explain yourself now, Penis Boy.
They sit on the steps outside. He tells her goodbye in his usual non-feeling way. “I couldn’t say it back to you. I don’t know why. It’s hard to imagine saying goodbye. I’m going to miss you.” She tells him that sounds like a line and he doesn’t need to say that. She tells him she really does love him, she cries as he hugs her goodbye, she gets into the sad limo. Then she changes her mind and gets out, asking him one more question. Did he know he wasnt in love with her before overnights? He says he didn’t know. He might as well tell the truth: “Dude, I’m a horny dude. I just wanted to screw you, and I did. Thanks for that.” He practically pushes her back into the limo again, and it drives off with her sobbing again. Ben is all confused, because he is in love with 2 women now. Chris Harrison asks the women how their week was, and they both tell him that Ben said I LOVE YOU to them. They stand there waiting for the rose ceremony, and finally Ben shows up and tells them that he sent Caila home. He then gives them both a rose, a sign that they may continue to exist and be further penetrated by Ben’s penis, probably within the same 24 hour period. They all drink champagne awkwardly, as Ben tells cameras: “I am in love with these two women.”
No Episode Next Week. (Women Tell All)
In two Weeks, the Live Finale:
Ben chooses Chris Harrison and they run away together to Greece, which is the perfect place to fall in love.
Ben’s penis falls off and runs away.
Caila falls in love with the limo driver and they go to the Fantasy Suite and screw.