Common vs John Legend
Tale of the Tape: You can tell this was obviously taped before the Academy Awards because no one mentioned the Oscar that is now sitting in both of their trophy cases. Common is a rapper, John Legend is an R+B singer. John Legend is also of course, the doting husband of the (I’m assuming) intoxicated color commentator Chrissy Teigen. She of course, as asserted that she will remain unbiased, which means siding with Common the whole time. FAIR PLAY CHRISSY TEIGEN!!!
Common – I Want You Back
Song Choice: 7/10
Safe, comfortable, nothing too serious here. This song always conjures good memories. Safe choice Common, way to bring the Jackson 5 back to the forefront.
Common is not crooning when there are no words. You absolutely cannot lip-sync a Michael Jackson song if you’re not lip syncing the noises that he makes when he’s not singing words. HEE-HOO!!! Get your shit together Common.
Some basic dancing, harkening back to the Jackson 5 days, with LL Cool J and John Legend playing background dancers in the back. Nothing too crazy, as is expected for the first performance.
The Teigen Score: 5 out of 10 Teigens. Completely average, run of the mill. Safe choices, I guess that post-Oscar invincibility hasn’t happened yet. Note: LL COOL J, NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND HAS ANYONE EVER REFERRED TO MICHAEL JACKSON AS “MIKE JACK”. Thank you for completely losing whatever shred of your street cred you had left.
John Legend – Slow Motion
Song Choice: 10/10
Completely out of character for John Legend. This song was also played at many middle school dances attended by the author in his halcyon youth. Completely and utterly inappropriate, but the DJs had no idea what it meant, and neither did we. No harm, no foul right?
John Legend lip syncing perfectly while rapping about “outside dick”. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade lip-sync about outside dick.
John Legend put in a grill and slow-motioned. In case you don’t get the image in your head, it’s John Legend pantomiming hitting it doggystyle while spanking an ass, in slow motion. However, there were no backup dancers, so points off.
The Teigen Score: 9 out of 10 Teigens. HOW DARE YOU NOT SUPPORT YOUR HUSBAND IN HIS TIME OF GLORY CHRISSY. I’m out Chrissy Teigen-ing Chrissy Teigen right now. Christ, what has happened to my life.
Common – All Night Long
Song Choice: 6/10
Okay, it’s a classic, but again, it’s from too long ago. I just feel there’s a disconnect, but hey, Lionel Ritchie is timeless….right?
Poor, just poor. You can tell that he was so focused on the production and staging of the song that he forgot about the core of lip-syncing, the actual syncing of the lips to song. It felt like he just kept singing “ALL NIGHT LONG”, but that could just be the fault of the song. All flash, no substance.
LOOK AT THAT MAGNIFICENT JERICURL AND RED DEEP V. That, and Common breakdanced. He obviously cared more about how it looked. I guess he paid homage to the song. That might be enough for Chrissy, but it’s not enough for me Common. IT’S NOT ENOUGH.
The Teigen Score: 6 out of 10 Teigens. It’s all about the art Common. First you don’t make the Michael Jackson noises, and then you focus on your costuming and dancing. At least those two things you nailed. I’ll give you a bump for that.
John Legend – U Can’t Touch This
Song Choice: 5/10
Honestly? Not impressed, too predictable. Everyone and their mother knows that this was coming. After Slow-Motion, I expected so much more from you Mr. Legend.
Ok, John Legend knows his lyrics. This is the second time where he’s just nailed it. Nothing much to say here.
THE COSTUMING!! THE GLASSES!! THE HAREM PANTS!!! THE JACKET!!! And most importantly, THE HEADSET!!! So 80’s, so good. If it was costuming alone, he’d get a 10/10, but unfortunately, his dancing was just awful. His running man was off tempo, and when the breakdown hit, well, John Legend proves why he usually sits behind a piano.
The Teigen Score: 6 out of 10 Teigens. Predictable, vanilla, but solid. In short, John Legend.
Do We Agree With The Audience?
- NO. NO. Round 2 was basically a tie, but John Legend just destroyed Common in Round 1 with Slow-Motion. UNACCEPTABLE STUDIO AUDIENCE. UNACCEPTABLE CHRISSY TEIGEN. DOES MY SCIENTIFIC* TEIGEN SCORE MEAN NOTHING TO YOU. Unforgiveable**.
*The Teigen Score has absolutely ZERO science behind it.
**Totally forgiveable, just take a selfie with me Chrissy, and we’ll call it even.