What do you do when you are starting Season 21 of the most epic dance-contest show of all-time, and you don’t have your arguably best / grumpiest / most legendary judge Len Goodman on the panel? Well, you make sure that your Dancing With the Stars cast is chock full of oddballs, whack-a-doodles, and people who say things that “make you go Hmmmmm.” Leave it to this show to do just that, as we begin this next, what promises to be, great season of dance and fun. Host Tom Bergeron is back and wittier than ever, along with his sidekick Erin Andrews, and the judges panel of crazy Bruno Tonioli, overly sexual Carrie Anne Anaba, and former pro-dancer Julianne Hough. Len is apparently out of the country this season, although I think that’s a lie and he’s just taking an extended nap. Either way, this will be a very challenging season without him. Honestly, I miss him and his grumpy comments already. But let us begin by introducing this years cast, along with their first dances on the show. Here we go, folks!
Victor Espinoza / Karina Smirnoff: He is the Triple Crown Winner jockey and she is the sexy pro dancer and former champ. She is really tall. He is really short. Let the comedy begin. Their dance felt a tad on the creepy side, with her bending over and him lightly smacking her butt. He was dressed as himself as a jockey, and the comments from the judges were extremely weird and focused on his height. Julianne said: “Good things come in small packages!” Awk-ward, and …ew. Bruno talked about grinding, then realized he was having a flashback from his weekend sex romp. Horny Carrie Anne, whose boobs were on display in a quite revealing dress, called him “adorable” and “tiny.” Then, when he went backstage for the post-dance interview, they made him stand on this stool/platform thing so he would look taller. Jesus, way to make the guy feel COMPLETELY insecure about his lack of height, people! Even his scores were small, at 5/5/5.
Tamar Braxton / Val Chmerkovskiy: She is the co-host of some show called “The Real”, and yes, that’s really what it’s called. Val is last season’s champion. They did the Quickstep, and the judges loved it. Her personality kind of annoyed me, and her voice sounds like she is eating cigarettes as she talks. However, the dance blew Horny Carrie Ann away. Im sure it did. Backstage, Erin asked Tamar a question, and she went off on this monologue where I have no clue what the hell she was talking about. I think she is still talking. Scores were 8/7/8.
Chaka Khan / Keo Motsepe: She is 10-time Grammy winning epic singer, and often called the “Queen of Funk.” He was named Prince of his country, so they were referring to themselves as Royalty together during their first meetup. Their cha-cha was to Chaka’s song “I Feel for You”, and even though she lost her footing and forgot steps a couple of times, her movement was pretty damn good and she was filled with energy. I enjoyed it, but the judges gave her fives all around, which I thought was a tad bit harsh. Her ginormous and perfectly shaped and packaged breasts should have received all tens.
Hayes Grier / Emma Slater: Ummm, who the hell is this kid? If you’re old like me, you have no idea. Then they told me and I STILL have no idea why he would be considered a “star”, but what do I know? Apparently, he is a social media celebrity, with his claim to fame being making viral “Vine” videos. Really? So now this show is casting people from VINE videos? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. He is 15 and I think they said the youngest contestant ever. They did the Cha-cha to some weird-ass song that was horrible. Their plot was even more cheesy, her playing a cheerleader and him being some high school kid at his locker flirting with her or something. Bruno told him his “musicality is so natural.” Horny Carrie Ann creepily said: “If I was 30 years younger, I’d still be a cougar! Sorry. I’m not trying to weird you out.” Umm … yes, you are! Stop it, ya creep! Scores were 7/7/7.
Andy Grammer / Allison Holker: He is a singer / songwriter, most known for the song “Honey I’m Good.” His mom died and she loved dance, so he wanted to do the show in her honor. No clue who he is, due to my apparent oldness, but he seems like a sweet dude. Their Foxtrot song was an odd choice after he talked about how this was for his mom: Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On”. Um, okay. Bruno said something about it being “poppy! Pop pop pop!” What on earth are you talking about? He Stood up and moved his hands all about while making his comment, but he wasn’t annoying the crap out of Len, who is usually sitting next to him while he is flailing about, so It made me miss Len again. Scores were 7/7/7.
Paula Deen / Louis Van Amstel: Oh, why oh why couldn’t they have put racist Paula Deen with the one African-American pro-dancer in the cast? Why do the comedy Gods hate me? I wanted her to be partnered with the black man, and then just wait for the epic and awkward comments to take place. But that isn’t going to happen. However, she IS still making weird comments. She is just a weird individual. The first thing she said upon meeting her dance partner was: “Come here and put your head on mommy’s bosom.” Then she grabbed his head and shoved it there and laughed. His response was: “Oh, its nice and soft.” And then I threw up so I didn’t hear the rest. During their rehearsals, she burped loudly and laughed again. Their dance was supposed to be a Quickstep, but there was nothing quick about it. She looked like she was being forcibly dragged across the dance floor at a snail’s pace. When it was over, she told Tom Bergeron in her most southern voice: “I was sooo scared. I started with white underwear but they probably ain’t white no more!” GROSS!!!! Bergeron made the most epic “eeeww!!”face of all-time, as he slowly backed away from her and her soiled underparts. Their scores were low at 5/5/5.
Carlos PenaVega / Witney Carson: So, the next two contestants / stars are married to one another, and its the first time the show has featured a married couple in the same season, competing against one another. So Carlos is from the boy band called Midtown Rush, and you guessed it, I’ve never heard of him. He was a good dancer though. HIs feet moved really well and he was fast. He has a dumb hairstyle. Julianne said “You looked like a man”, whatever that means. Bruno said “I want to see the DEVIL inside of you! Blow the gasket on that engine! Yes!!!!” Nobody comprehended. Scores were 8/8/7.
Alexa PenaVega / Mark Ballis: So, she is an actress from the show “Spy Kids”, and also married to Carlos. No clue who she is either. She can also dance well. Bruno yelled about “hot and sexy Latina, the way I like it!” Julianne thought their Jive had great content quality. Scores were 7/7/8.
Kim Zolciak-Biermann / Tony Dovoloni: She is on one of the many “Real Housewives of” wherever the Hell they are from, shows, that I don’t watch or care about. She is on the Atlanta one, but it doesn’t matter. This chick cries a lot. She has already cried 3 or 4 times in episode one. During rehearsal, after the scores, during scores. And she brings her huge fake nails over to her eyeballs to wipe the tears and practically scratches her cornea out each time. Their dance was like slow motion walking. It looked like Tony dragged her out of her bedroom from a deep sleep and she had just taken 5 or 6 Ambien. I’m told it was a Salsa, but it looked more like The Walking Dead. Bruno said: “This dance could be grounds for divorce. Youve got all this to work with, yet you do nothing with it.” OUCH! The low scores of 4/4/4 brought on more tears.
Bindi Irwin / Derek Hough: If Kim is the poster child for Ambien, than Bindi is the poster child for TOO MUCH COFFEE!!! Holy crap is this girl hyper. Someone needs to calm her down and make her sit down and meditate or take a breath or something. I’m exhausted just watching her over-smile and laugh and talk at warped speed. Sweet girl, but wow. Don’t give her any more caffeine. That being said, as the daughter of the late Steve Irwin, and an animal activist herself, she is actually a VERY good dancer. She was surprisingly one of the highlights of the night, and very natural. Julianne called it the best performance of the night, while Bruno dubbed her “the wonder from down under.” Scores were 8/8/8.
Gary Busey / Anna Trebunksaya: Well, this was what everyone has been waiting for, and Gary did not disappoint on his first night on the dance floor. Oh, I’m not talking about his dancing. Who cares about THAT? I’m talking about the words and thoughts that come out of his mouth, because you NEVER know what it will be, which is why his reality show was so popular, and probably why they put him in this cast. Also, he is a pretty famous actor in his own right, and also went through major brain surgery, so his thoughts are a bit all over the place sometimes and you just have to kind of “go with it”. A bit of an honest and heartwarming exchange took place between him and pro partner Anna when he asked her: “Am I slow?” and she replied honestly: “No. You are learning a brand new language.” His eyes lit up and he said: “What a wonderful perspective to have on this!” Their dance was … well …. strange. Not sure how else to describe it. But the dance was nothing in strangeness compared to the dialogue between him and Tom Bergeron right afterwards. That was epic:
Tom: So how did that feel, Gary:
Gary: Well I was dancing, it was wonderful, I danced in the cosmos of riddles , and nothing means anything to me if I have to think about it. This lady here, this to Russia with Love, Anna, sculpted me into what I am today, dancing.
Tom: I’m gonna get all of this read back to me later on, so I can really savor it.
Gary: When I’m talking to you, Tom, your left eye is spinning. It’s spinning. That is really neat!
Tom: …. Well, that and my career!
Gary: Good talkin’ to you, Tom. (goes to center of ball room and takes epic , long bow to audience. This guy is going to be a trip.)
Backstage, scores were low at 5/5/5, to which Gary said: “15. That equals 6, and 6 is the double trinity. ” WHAT???? Can someone please interpret for me? I’m dying to know what the hell that means. I feel like it could be the key to the meaning of life.
Alek Skarlatos / Lindsay Arnold: Okay, so this guy , and 2 other men, were on a train with terrorists, and they saved the passengers on the train from the terrorists. I don’t know the whole story, so I will need to look this up, but this guy seems like a cool person just generally speaking. They did a Foxtrot, and he was surprisingly a good dancer. Carrie Ann called him one of the best dances of the night, and his scores were 8/7/7.
Nick Carter / Sharna Burgess: He is from the boy band “The Backstreet Boys”, which he has been part of for over two decades. THAT makes me feel older than old. His pro partner Sharna is a fan, and used to have posters of him on her bedroom walls as a teenager. How weird. She was blushing all over the place to be partnered with him. Their dance was super fun. Julianne was all horned up too, as apparently Nick was on HER wall too, as a teen. Bruno also looked quite excited, and I’m sure that Len was home napping the whole time. I miss him. Scores were 8/8/8.
NEXT WEEK: The first couple gets eliminated. Bindi drinks coffee through an IV. Gary Busey tells Bergeron that his earlobe is turning. Paula Deen poops her pants during the Cha-cha. Gary reveals that 5 plus 5 equals 14, and that is the Holy Grail of Cheese.