“Dancing With the Stars” Review: Why is Mark Randomly British, and Can I Be On The Show Now, Tom?

Well, here we are suddenly at the Quarterfinals. Six couples remain. Tom Bergeron, Erin Andrews, and company, are all dressed to the nines and ready to Rumba, as we begin this weeks episode with yet more drama from Tamar, who is in the hospital for pneumonia after another crazy schedule week. At the start of the live show, she was still at hospital and not sure when she would be returning. Bergeron said they didn’t really seem to have more information, and when the camera panned to her partner Val, he did not look too happy. This week, there were two rounds of competition. Round One , each couple danced a style that they have not yet tackled in this season. Round Two was Team Showstopper Challenge – where the couples formed two teams and performed a huge routine to show-stopping Broadway show tunes.

Last week, I was going to suggest in my review that Leah Remini take over permanently as co-host. While Erin is perfectly lovely and fun and good at her job, my Tommy B. and Leah seem to have a great chemistry together, and Leah is just damn funny. Plus, anyone who thinks Scientology is nutso and writes a book about it, is cool in my book. Get it? Book? Anyway, forget what I said about Leah Remini being co-host, because I would like to nominate myself for that position. Or, at the very least, a guest spot being funny with my Tommy B. Technically, I should be qualified to be on next season as a “star” dancer, since this season’s Hayes Grier has “Vine sensation” as his claim to fame, and guess what? I can now make that same claim, since a Vine video called #McFallen featuring me, has gone viral everywhere. In total, this thing has over 30 million views and counting. So I tweeted to my Tommy B and asked if this video qualifies me to be on next seasons show. He didn’t answer my question, but he did respond by observing that in the video, I fell down even faster than Marie Osmond when she fainted a couple of years back …. LIIIIIIIVE!!!! So then, Marie Osmond herself responded to me, saying simply: “You got my vote, Kelley!”, meaning, that SHE thinks I should be on the show too!!! And then she started following me on Twitter. And oh, by the way, this all happened on my dead husband’s birthday. My husband, who had a HUGE crush on Marie Osmond during his teenage years, and yes, I just played the “widow card” to make Tommy B. feel guilty and FINALLY GET ME ON THE SHOW ALREADY!!! Readers, if you agree with me, please tweet @Tom_Bergeron on Twitter, and say PUT KELLEY LYNN ON THE SHOW ALREADY!!!  But I digresss ….  Lets get on with the dancing :

Alek / Lindsay:  They did a Salsa. Alek shaved his chest hair off so he could be like all the other DWTS men I guess. Sorry, he waxed it. Well, HE didn’t do it himself. He just screamed while it happened. The judges liked the new smooth look, and the dancing was, well, I wasnt really paying attention. Bruno: “Youve been pimped! Like Playboy out of Miami Vice!” When Alek looked confused, Tommy B had to explain what on earth Miami Vice was. Carrie Ann thought that Alek and the music never came together. Scores were 8/8/8.

Alexa / Mark: Okay, since when is Mark British? Or have I just never noticed it before in all these years? LIsten to him talking during the rehearsal footage and package before their dance. He is talking in this weird British type accent. Out of nowhere. What the … what??? During that same footage, Alexa told him the story of how she suffered with bulimia and eating disorders as  a kid/teen, and how she got through it. They decided to use this as the inspiration for their Contemporary dance. Mark represented the disorder, and Alexa was herself, playing a push and pull game against each other. By dressing Mark all in black for the dance, all you really saw and focused on was Alexa and her struggle, and the choreography and emotion were absolutely stunning. Carrie Ann said “that was more than dancing. That was healing.” Julianne said she could feel every move, and all she saw was Alexa. It was intensely powerful. Scores were 10/10/10.

Carlos / Witney:  They did the Argentine Tango to a Justin Bieber song, which the judges were mostly less than enthusiastic about. Julianne thought it lacked the passion of the tango, while Horny Carrie Ann oddly said: “it didn’t smack me in the face, and that’s what I need.” I’ll bet you do, you vixen! Scores were 9/9/9, and Len Goodman was home on his second cup of prune juice.

Bindi / Derek:  Their dance was the Viennese Waltz , and Derek was freaking out about creating the perfect choreography for Bindi. He didn’t want to let her down, and last season, he became injured around this time in the competition, and he was being really hard on himself. OF course, his choreography was brilliant as always, and their dancing it was brilliant as always. Julianne said “I can’t say enough about it. It was gorgeous.” Carrie Ann compared it to a sunrise, and Bruno melted to Bindi: “My little diamond – you got it, baby!” Perfect tens! 10/10/10. And after that last cup of prune juice, Len had a perfect bowel movement at home.

Tamar / Val: Well the drama with Tamar continued and she was still in the hospital when it came time for them to dance their dance. So, as per the official rules of the show, which are locked away in a hidden vault inside Tom Bergeron’s brain, if a contestant is in the hospital during the live dance, the judges must watch the dress rehearsal footage and judge that. So , we all watched that footage, and the judges judged that. After the footage ended, Val was standing there all alone and looking quite angry. The judges pretty much all said the same thing, that the dress rehearsal looked like a dress rehearsal. Bergeron then complimented Val on how protective he is of his dance partners. Scores were 8/7/7.

Nick / Sharna:  They did the Quickstep, and it was a blast of a dance involving top hats and jazzy movements. I loved it. Carrie Ann noted that Nick was “a quarter of a second ahead” on his timing. Really? A quarter of a second? Bruno thought it was slick and sharp, and Julianne agreed, saying “straight outta Broadway!” Scores were 9/9/10. At home, Len changed the channel so he could watch “60 Minutes.”


Team One: Carlos and Witney, and Lindsay and Alek: They did the show “We Will Rock You”, with Queen music, and it was a Paso Doble. The judges liked it, but didn’t seem out of this world impressed. Carrie Ann once again said it was out of sync. Wow, she is really liking that term this week! Scores were 8/8/8.

Team Two: Bindi and Derek and Alexa and Mark: THey did music from “Chicago”, and chose “All That Jazz”. They danced The Charleston, and it was absolutely awesome. Like watching a Fosse style show. Julianne called the girls “the perfect Roxy.” It was cool seeing Bindi and Alexa do their duet together in this number. They were both very strong. Scores were 10/10/10. Perfect again!

Team Three: Tamar and Val and Nick and Sharna . THey did music from the show about The Beatles, Cirque  De Soleil. THe song was “Hey Jude”, and Tamar showed up at the studio literally 5 minutes before their number. Drama!!! Afterwards, she had to sit down immediately again, and catch her breath, as she looked like she might pull a Marie Osmond and fall down right there on the dance floor. Bruno called it a celebration of love, and it scored 9/9/9.


The Elimination was especially rough this week, as husband and wife were put against one another as the bottom two – they both cried and were very emotional about the other one leaving, and when it was announced that ALEXA AND MARK were voted off, Carlos said to his wife in tears: “I wish it was me.”  It was highly dramatic. Honestly though, aside from the husband / wife thing, it was just a shame to have to see Alexa go home this week, when she absolutely should not have been the one to go. Two perfect tens! I know the votes are from last week, but still. It kind of sucked seeing her leave. THen again, the show is over in 2 weeks, so where are these people going really? Nowhere. Just into the audience basically, to cheer on their castmates.

NEXT WEEK: Tamar gets a hangnail. Erin Andrews leaves the show to join Scientology. Tom Bergeron requests Kelley Lynn’s appearance on the show.

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