The Bachelorette Review: Two Minus One is … Huh?

Hey there, kids! Here’s a riddle. How do you take one of the dumbest shows on television, and make it even more dumber-er??? Easy! The Bachelorette managed to do exactly that with this week’s premiere 2-part episodes. Normally, the shows premise, which is ridiculous enough on its own, is for one woman to be the Bachelorette, as she chooses from and whittles down from about 25 potential “husbands”, by voting off one each week, until she finally ends up with the man she wishes to marry.

In this season’s version, apparently that premise was no longer insane enough, so the show added another twist, which brings me back to the answer to my riddle. So how DO you take a dumb show and make it even dumber? Well, instead of having just ONE Bachelorette, you have TWO!!! Yup. This is the genius idea that came from this show’s creators – two Bachelorettes. Well, the two Bachelorettes thing only lasted one episode, thankfully, but it was still the dumbest idea ever and a trainwreck of epic proportions to watch. Britt Nilsson (dumbest spelling ever on both names) and Kaitlyn Bristowe (again –  going with the most complicated way to spell that particular first name) both showed up for the premiere, both hoping to be this seasons Bachelorette. They would have to stand side by side, only feet apart from one another, as the 25 potential shirtless douchebags came out one by one, to greet them. This was awkward, to say the least. Some of the men tried greeting them both at the same time with gems such as “What up, ladies?”, while other men completely ignored one woman to go over to the other one. Some guys approached both ladies, but made it pretty obvious which one they were there to see.

Although my DVR for some reason did not record the first 20 minutes or so of the show, (my DVR is like “why you watchin’ this crap?”) here is a small preview of some of the “men” who showed up to be Kaitlyn or Britt’s husband. Brady has lots of melodies inside of him, yet he cannot find love. (sniff sniff) Joshua lives in Kuna, Idaho, and is a welder. His big joke to cameras was: “sparks are gonna fly!” Ian is a runner who was hit by a car and told he would never run again. Guess what? He runs again! Tony is a “Healer”, and I put that in quotes on purpose, because it’s bullcrap. He, like many of the other potential husbands on this show, has one of those jobs that just doesn’t sound real. There are always a handful of jobs on this show that are so made up sounding or just plain bizarre. Things like “Former Model” or former anything really. Or “Gun enthusiast.” Really? So you like guns a lot? How is that a job exactly? Or “Student.” This is a guy who probably sits home in his mom’s basement , maybe takes one online course, and then jacks off all day. Anyway, back to Tony. He is a weird-ass hippie type who kisses his plants goodbye when he leaves the house. That is all you need to know.


We met more of these men, as we watched them each get out of limos and approach the girls. JJ is a “Former Hockey Player (subtext = unemployed)” who took out a hockey puck for Kaitlyn and told her “I would love to puck you”. This cracked her up, as it was a reference to her own line last season to Farmer Dull of “you can plow my field any time.” At first impression, Ryan seemed very … well … gay … to me. Effeminate, I guess you would say. And then later, he seemed very, very drunk. Josh is a “Law Student / Exotic Dancer” – seriously – that is how his job title reads under his name on my TV screen. He came out of the limo and immediately started giving both girls a strip tease that was beyond awkward. When you have to take the woman’s hand and put it back on your own chest and instruct/demand that she touch you, that is the furthest thing from sexy. Tanner (what the hell kind of name is that?) brought a box of tissues for Britt, because she cried so much last season on the show. Kaitlyn joked to Britt: “Is that tissues or soap?” This was in reference to the fact that all the girls in the house last season said that Britt hardly ever took a shower and she smelled bad. Britt gave no response. In the middle of all the limo intros, Kaitlyn runs inside the house to  tell the guys hello and let them know they are “killin’ it!” Britt thinks this is highly unfair of her to do that, and she stats whining a bit to camera.

Tony the “Healer” gets out of the limo and literally says the EXACT same thing to each of the women. “I believe in love, and I hope that the universe provides.” And some other crap too. Then walks over to the other girl. “HI. I’m Tony. I believe in love, and I hope that the universe provides.” What a toolbag. As the night goes on and more men get out of the limos, Ryan becomes increasingly more and more drunk, because there is ALWAYS a minimum of at least one severely drunk idiot on these shows.He is inside the house with the other guys who have arrived already, and he is shouting things like “I’m soooo horned up! I’m sorry for being so awesome! I wanna take both girls out!” Shawn with an E. initial pulls up in a “carpool”, which is a car completely filled with water, like a hot tub on wheels. Very clever. He gets out of the car and his suit is soaking wet. The girls find this clever and hilarious, but Drunk, Ambiguously Gay Ryan disagrees and starts shouting from the bushes: “You suck!! That car sucks! You suck!” Nothing like having a heckler when you arrive at the Bachelorette mansion. Oh, what does Shawn with an E. initial do for a job, you didn’t ask? Why, he is an “Amateur Sex Coach”, of course. What. the. F??? There is so much FUNNY in this, I don’t even know where to start. What the hell is an AMATEUR sex coach? If you’re going to hire a sex coach, wouldn’t you at least want an expert one? “Yeah, I need coaching on my love-making, but I want to hire someone who has no idea what he’s doing, and I want to pay them.” I hope he sticks around for a while, because there’s so much endless comedy in his existence on earth. Chris is a dentist and pulls up in a cupcake shaped car on wheels. He explains that normally he wouldn’t let his patients eat this sugary stuff, but because you girls are so sweet, he will make an exception.

After many, many more men greet the ladies, everyone finally goes inside for the cocktail party, where Britt and Kaitlyn finally get the chance to mingle with everyone and spend some one-on-one time with different men, to see who they connect with. The men are also seeing who THEY connect with, since at the end of the party, they have to go into the voting room, take a rose, and place it inside the “box” of the woman they are choosing to be the new Bachelorette. The men start pulling the women aside right away, taking their turn to get some private time with the woman they prefer as the Bachelorette. Meanwhile, Kind-of-Gay-but-Definitely-Drunk-Ryan is going to town on some sort of whiskey concoction with ice, and continuing to get hammered. “Is this the gay Bachelorette?” he says to nobody. He mentions about 7 more times that he is horny, or “horned up”, then he refers to the two girls as “ho’s”. He caps it all off by pulling Kaitlyn aside and taking a nice big grab of her ass. She is not happy, and the men are talking about whether or not Ryan is here for the “RIGHT REASONS”, which is the most used phrase of all time on this show. Well, other than “amazing.” Everything is amazing on this show, if you are here for the “right reasons.” Ryan then removes his shirt and pants, and struts around in a g-string. Another guy approaches him to tell him his behavior is not okay. His response to this is: “Why am I not raping you right now?” Seriously. That’s what he said. The guy (I can’t recall which guy it was – they all look the same to me) says: “Why are you talking about raping?” Then Ryan jumps in the pool and talks to himself in the pool while drinking more. A few minutes later, the Ryan sauga ends with security coming over and asking Ryan to please come with them. “Chris Harrison wants to see you”, the man says. Uh-oh!!! That’s never good. Harrison is waiting for Ryan outside, and he says to him in a voice that sounds like he is a mob-boss: “I think its best if you go home now.” Ryan stares blankly, then manages to spew out something like: “Oh. Okay. Sorry about that.” He gets in the sad limo and that is the end of that.


Now it is finally time to reveal who the next Bachelorette will be. Chris Harrison goes into the secret voting booth room and opens up each of the treasure chest boxes as if they are Grant’s Tomb – he is so dramatic. He begins counting, and then he goes to each girl seperately to share the news. They are seated far away from one another and can’t hear what is being said. First he goes to Britt. He sounds like he is punishing her the way he is speaking – his tone is very fatherly and serious. “Britt, the votes are in, and it was close, but I’m sorry to tell you, that unfortunately, you will not be the bachelorette.” Britt says nothing for a minute, then starts talking on and on about how shocked she is, and then says “I’m sorry, I’m just still processing … I really wanted this … I’m sorry … wow”. Chris practically shoves her off the show by saying suddenly: “Can I walk you out?”, and he puts her into the sad limo without another word. Once she is in there, her massive crying begins. And keeps going, and going, and going ………..

Chris then tells Kaitlyn she IS the Bachelorette, and she almost can’t contain her happiness and excitement. She is thrilled, and tells him “Hands down, best moment of my life.” Well, that’s a bit sad. He then tells her that she still needs to go back in there and tell the guys, and that she also needs to do the rose ceremony tonight, and send guys home. She is stunned that she still has to send people home so soon after being chosen, but Chris reminds her in a very serious tone: “You are the Bachelorette. That’s your job.” He says it in a tone that would suggest that being the Bachelorette is an actual, serious responsibility and career choice of some kind. It is hilarious how serious he is.

Kaitlyn takes some more one on one time with some different men. Meanwhile, Healer Tony sits in the corner, forlorn and confused, as he felt a connection with Britt, and his healing powered hands told him to vote for Britt. Guess you suck at your healing job, dude. Sorry about that. Brady is also feeling confused, as he liked Britt a lot, and isn’t sure whether to go or stay. Chris the dentist gets the first make-out session with Kaitlyn, then minutes later, Shawn with the E. initial also gets make-out time, and the first impression rose.

Finally, it is time for the first Rose Ceremony of the new season. In the middle, Brady asks Kaitlyn if he can talk to her privately, and the men all wonder what the hell is going on. He tells her that he felt a strong connection to Britt, and that he is going to leave and go try to find her. She thanks him for being honest, and he asks Daddy Harrison if he can track down Britt for him. Harrison is all over it, and they send him in the limo to her nearby hotel, where she , of course, is sitting on her bed sobbing. To Be Continued …….

Meanwhile, at Testosterone Mansion, Kaitlyn is giving out roses. Some of the people she gives roses to, such as Jonathan and a couple of others, voted for Britt and not Kaitlyn. Chris Harrison finally comes over with his all-important line of dialogue: “Men -Kaitlyn. Final rose tonight. When you’re ready…….”

Four people go home, although I have not a clue who they are or what their names are, because the show spent ZERO time on them after their cut. They didn’t show them talking into the camera or getting into the sad limo or anything at all – so I guess it’s “Bye, losers! Sucks to be you!” At least Ryan won’t be waiting at the nearby hotel, asking them why he isn’t raping them right now. That guy is pretty horned up.

NEXT WEEK: Britt cries. Kaitlyn kisses lots more men and gets kinda whor-ish. Chris Harrison tells Kaitlyn “final rose tonight.” Many men appear shirtless for no reason. Tony continues not to heal anyone.

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