…. and we’re back, kids. Last week’s episode of The Bachelorette left us off in Killaney, Ireland, which is “the perfect place to fall in love.” It’s also the perfect place to break the news to all of your TV potential husbands that you have already slept with one of them, behind everyone else’s back. Kaitlyn tells cameras this is her “hardest week yet”. Joe and his stupid hair tells cameras he is “not confident” after the sobbing dentist was sent home so suddenly. The men await the next date card, which reveals that Ben will get the next one-on-one date, and that 3 men will be eliminated by the next rose ceremony. Kaitlyn: “It’s scary going into today’s date knowing I’m already looking at these guys as my husband.” Huh? ALL of them? That doesn’t even make sense.
ROW ROW ROW YOUR DATE :
Ben and Kaitlyn begin their date in a rowboat on a beautiful lake, where Ben takes the manly duties of rowing his woman around the water. They go to a private island, and then they play hide and seek there. Yup, you read that right. Perhaps later they will partake in a game of Red Light,Green Light or Duck, Duck, Goose. Then the two snoozefests sit down outside and she purses her lips like always, and holds a glass of wine like always. I swear that wine glass is attached to her damn hand. And its the largest glass I’ve ever seen. She must pee 25 times a day. Anyway, they break into brilliant conversation.
Her: I think you are very good husband material. Do you think I am good wife material?
Him: Huh? Wha? Umm … yeah. Sure. Of course. Absolutely. It’s just .. you know … I fear being unloveable because of past relationships and such. I loved her, and hard to say if she ever loved me back.
Her: I feel like I am falling in love with you.
Him: I am falling in love with you as well.
“As well???” This is the most boring, formal conversation about LOVE I have ever heard in my life. These two must be a blast in bed together. “I am now going to remove your undergarments. Yes, this feels quite nice. ” “Thank you. You feel quite nice as well. I shall now take off my brassiere for your enjoyment.” Now comes the time on the date when they get the creepy Fantasy Suite card from Pimp Daddy Harrison, who personally writes each card out while sitting nude in the hot tub. Kaitlyn asks him what he thinks about using the Suite together, and Ben fumbles around saying that he would love to, but it’s perfectly okay if they use it to “just talk” all night. It gets awkwardly quiet, and then Kaitlyn asks Ben: “Are you a virgin?” There is a huge pause, he says no, and then she laughs like a maniac. We don’t really see much of their romantic time in the suite, but she tells cameras that Ben set the bar really high and she can see spending her life with him.
LET’S HAVE A THREESOME!!! :
Kaitlyn goes on a “3 on 1” date (yes, that’s really what this show calls it) with Nick, Shawn, and Joe. It is awkward and lame from minute one. They sit outside on benches and drink, because what the hell else do these people do? Drink, drink, drink. All the men are shivering cold once again, and sitting in these weird positions like they are freezing their balls off. How cold is this place? Kaitlyn and Shawn have their alone time first, and they do lots of kissing. She tells cameras that she is going to tell him that her and Nick slept together, because he deserves to know. “Shawn questions me a lot, and he has trust issues. I need to tell him things went too far with Nick.” Before she can do that, Nick interrupts them to get his own private time with her. They talk about their night together, and she says it all just happened so “fast.” Nick mumbles some damn thing, I think he may have told her he loves her but I can never understand him cuz he puts his damn jacket sleeve over his mouth every time he speaks words like an asshole. Stop doing that! And then he bends his mouse-like tiny body into a pretzel and curls up all weird and gets all giddy and giggly like a little girl when he expresses emotion to Kaitlyn. “Tee hee … its like, I think, like, I mean you know how I feel about you, like, you know I love you, mumble mumble.” They make out some more.
Lastly, it is Joe’s turn for private time, and as usual, he looks like he just had ten rounds bending over a toilet bowl. His eyes are bloodshot and he looks all a mess, and he also mumbles but his mumbling is worse because he has some wacky unidentifiable accent. Kaitlyn asks him if he is really ready for engagement when this whole thing ends. “Absolutely. I have a great time with you.” Right. Because having a great time and getting ENGAGED are pretty much the same thing. She asks him again. “It doesn’t worry you at all? Are you ready?” He responds by pushing his gross thick lazy tongue into her mouth again, like last week. He is the WORST kisser on earth, and I have this feeling that his breath smells like dog. She kisses him back at maybe 14%, and then gets really quiet. He mumbles something about being in love with her and how he could spend the next six years kissing her and be a very happy man. (Why 6 years? What happens after the 6 years?) She says nothing for a really long time . It’s awkward as fuck. She tells cameras that if she isn’t feeling it with someone, she needs to address it right away. So she does: “When you tell me you’re in love with me, it makes me think that maybe we aren’t on the same page. I mean, we had so many great times but I don’t know that we are in the same place.” He is a sore loser immediately and brushes her off. “That’s cool. Whatever. Its cool.” “Are you upset with me?” “Not at all. Its cool.” She asks for a hug, and he gives her the worst hug on earth. Worse than his kiss. He says “what do I do now? What am I supposed to do?” She tells him to do whatever he needs to do. “I just wanted to hug you and say goodbye”, she says. “I don’t wanna say shit to you right now”, he responds. Or something along those lines. Again, had to play it 3x and still couldn’t understand what the hell he was saying. Everyone mumbles on this show. Learn to speak, idiots. Move your mouth and enunciate.
Meanwhile, Nick and Shawn sit awkwardly together waiting for her to return. She comes back and tells them that she sent Joe home. They shiver from the cold and look like they might cry. She says she doesn’t feel right giving out a rose tonight, and tells Shawn to remain so she can have more time with him. Shawn is all happy because he thinks he is getting more time, but really she kept him so she could tell him that her and Nick did the nasty. Nick goes back to hotel and gossips to the other ladies about what happened. “She sent Joe home, she sent me here, and she’s with Shawn right now. That’s all I know.” Jared and Ben look frightened and forlorn.
SLEEPING WITH THE OTHER GUY:
Halfway through the episode, Shawn suddenly stops using Nick’s name when talking to camera / interview and instead, keeps referring to Nick as “the other guy” or “that other guy.” It’s really obnoxious, and he is such a whiny little baby. Kaitlyn sits him down and begins to tell him about her and Nick. First, she tells cameras that she “feels so sick right now” like always (MAYBE COOL IT ON THE WINE, GENIUS!).
Her: I do have something on my mind. I don’t even know how to say this. Okay. That night that Nick and I went back to my place, I feel like it went too far. It’s hard for me to admit it, but we had sex. (Had sex? Who calls it that? Wouldnt you say “I slept with him”? The way she spread out the word SEX was annoying.)
Him: (after nodding his head for literally 2 hours of silence) Do you regret it?
Her: I felt guilt. (I also felt his nasty slimy penis which was quite the turn-on)
Him: I’m just trying to figure out why you’re telling me this right now. I think I need to regroup, go to the bathroom, then come back. (he literally said it like that. Spelled out each thing that way. Does he really need to tell her he is going to the bathroom?)
Him: (from behind bathroom door) I’m so tense right now I can’t even piss. (Ewwww!!!!!)
He comes back out after leaving her sitting there forever, and he keeps adjusting and touching his pants and belt buckle. Really weird and a huge turn off. Just more evidence that he just peed. WHO CARES??? He tells her he is not happy, but he is gonna man up and deal with this because she is worth it. She says thank you.
Pimp Daddy Harrison shows up for his one line in the episode and tells the men that Kaitlyn’s mind is made up, and there wont be a cocktail party. Poor Jared, the only guy I actually like and who seems NOT like a total douche, wont get any time with her or get to even talk to her at all. He hasn’t seen her in 4 days, and he is worried he might be going home. During rose ceremony, she chooses Shawn first, and it is very over-dramatic for no reason. “Shawn, do you accept this rose?” He says “I need to talk to you.” They leave Shawn with “the other guy” and Jared and go talk. He says he has been doing some thinking. He says “I understand there are other relationships. I don’t understand why him. Why would you do something like that to us, after you told me I was the one.” She says it was a mistake telling him he was the one so early, and that she needs for him to trust her. He whines and cries some more and then they finally come back out and she asks him again if he will take the stupid rose, and he says yes.
Jared is sent home. He does not get a rose. What the fuck? That seems totally out of the blue, since their last dates we have seen all seemed like very close and very good dates. She walks him out and they sit on a bench, and he asks her if she wants to sit on his coat. He is a gentleman as she breaks up with him. He tells her “you’re a wonderful person and I want you to be happy. Make sure you find the man of your dreams because you deserve it.” They hug and she sobs all over him. He tells her its okay, and gets into the sad limo. She really doesn’t give much of a reason for letting him go. He is crying in the limo and says “It’s tough. I’m really going to miss her. I was falling in love. I know what we had was real.” Oh Jared, I’m sad too. You were the only one of these men I could stomach.
Next, we get to hear more of Shawn’s whining and pouting. “The other guy got a rose so that means he will be having one of the overnight dates. I’m having trouble dealing with that.” Oh shut up.
Nick gets the first one-on-one date. They start out in a cathedral. They light a candle and Kaitlyn realizes her connection with Nick is “spiritual.” They start talking about Shawn. Well, Nick does. “I just have zero respect for people who project insecurities and who brag about being eskimo brothers with famous country singers because they fucked the same girl on the same night but they were first.” Kaitlyn says: “Ewwww!!!” I’m still trying to figure out what the hell Nick was yammering on about. What a tacky story for Shawn to tell Nick, and then for him to repeat to Kaitlyn. She reads the creepy Fantasy Suite card from Pimp Daddy Chris, and then she takes Nick into one of the rooms in the jail they are in, telling him this is their suite. He goes with it and climbs into bed. She pranks him and starts laughing hysterically, then takes him to the actual suite. She says “I can see him as my husband. I got to know him so much more and we sat on the couch and ate chocolate, and I can see it.” They eat breakfast and discuss bacon vs. Canadian bacon. Nick tells cameras this was the best date he has ever been on, ever.
Meanwhile, Wittle Baby Shawn can’t handle the other guy being with his woman, so he calls the front desk and gets Nicks room number, and then shows up at his room later that night. Here is some of their genius conversation:
Shawn: Whats up
Nick: Whats up
Shawn: Got a few minutes?
Nick: Um yeah sure ….
Shawn: So I just wanna get this off my chest and not talk about you behind your back like some of the other guys are doing, and not be man enough to say it to your face. I don’t understand your reasons for being with Kaitlyn. I don’t think it’s why you’re here. I think you’re here for other reasons.
Nick: Well you can say what you want about me, but you don’t know me. And you havent spent any time trying to get to know me either.
Shawn: I don’t want to. Youre manipulative, arrogant, a cocky guy.
Nick: I could say the same things about you.
Shawn: You’re so oblivious maybe you just don’t give a fuck. It’s not a coincidence that all these guys hate you, man.
Nick: We don’t see eye to eye
Shawn: No, we don’t see eye to eye.
(Wouldn’t it be great if they both broke into that song together ….”and we can’t see eye to eye… there aint no good guy, there ain’t no bad guy … there’s only you and me and we just disagree…….” )
TO BE CONTINUED ……….
Next Week: More sobbing over things that seem more dramatic than they are. Chris Harrison writes more Fantasy Suite cards, ordering couples to go and make love while he creepily watches. Ben and Kaitlyn fall asleep during “sex” because they are so boring. The dentist is found on the side of a highway in New Jersey, pulling his teeth out one by one with a hacksaw and sobbing in the fetal position. The men are chilly and request jackets and scarves. Shawn whines that “the other guy” got 18 more seconds of air-time than him and ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!