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“The Bachelor” Review: Please Come Take Me, Sweet Death

CHRIS SOULES, JADE

For reasons unknown to man and humanity, The Bachelor this week was a 2-night, 5 hour-long extravaganza. You read that correctly. Night one was Sunday, and it began with a boring and dull Chris Tells All episode, where we listened to Widow Kelsey tell more lies, Farmer Boy bore us to death, and former Bachelorette Andi sob, sob, sob as she discussed ending her engagement to Josh. After that hot mess, it was time for the first 2-hour episode of the show. Then Monday, the regular 2-hour episode. By the time I watched all of these many hours of pointlessness and mind-numbing dialogue, I was begging for sweet, sweet death to come and take me. I was not so lucky. Instead, I had nightmares that evening about Chris Harrison bludgeoning me with a rose in the Fantasy Suite. The fact that this show was allowed to be on television for FIVE HOURS within a 2-night span, proves that there is no God. NO GOD!!! I rest my case.

Let’s begin this nonsense, or it will never be over. There are 7 girls left at the top of episode one. Ten seconds later, Megan and Chris talk in the next room and she tells him she is worried that their connection isn’t strong anymore. Bingo! She finally got something right. Not only did he agree with her, but he sent her packing right then and there. Buh-bye. She cries and cries in the sad-rejection limo. They didn’t even give her time to pack her damn bags. Host Chris comes in and tells the girls there will still be a rose ceremony even though Megan JUST went home 5 minutes before the rose ceremony. They whine and cry and drink more wine as they whine, and Britt holds on for dear life and cuddles Whitney for no reason. Farmer Dull goes outside with Host Chris and tells him he doesn’t want to send anyone else home right now. He comes back in and the girls rejoice that they aren’t going home. Instead, they are going to IOWA! Chris announces that everyone is going to his home state this week. The girls scream in excitement, and I laugh in bitter sarcasm. They all jump on their new beds in their new hotel in Des Moines, and they locate where the bar is in the house within seconds. Jade gets the first one-on-one date. As she rides the limo to his home town, Farmer Duh is talking to the cows on his farm. The sign for the town of Arlington, where Chris is from, reads “Arlington: Where Hills and Prairie Meet.” Wow. That’s the big draw of this place? Hills and prairie meeting? Might be the saddest sign I’ve ever seen. Cottage-cheese brain takes Jade to his house, shows her his farms. “Land is my passion, I like working with it.” “Cool”, she says. She wonders aloud to cameras if she could really live in this place.

Back at Bitch Mansion, Britt and her disgusting unwashed hoodie are all kinds of upset because Jade gets to see his home town and gets a leg up in the process. “This is shaking me in a part of my soul that isn’t used to being touched”, she says dramatically, while sobbing to the other girls. Maybe it’s not used to being touched because you never take a shower, bitch.

Back to the Arlington date. Jade is shocked by how isolated the town of 400 really is. All the stores are closed, there is no movie theatre or restaurants , and not even a place to get coffee. Everything is boarded up. She also wondered where all the people were. Chris takes her to his old high school , because that’s not TOO depressing and weird, and they attend a football game there. He shows her his old locker and classes and things, and they kiss in the hallway. She meets his parents, who are sitting in the bleachers watching the game. After the game, they run out to the field, where the entire crowd starts chanting “Kiss Chris!!!” They kiss on the field and everyone applauds. Chris explains to Jade that the reason nobody was on the streets earlier was because they were all at the game. So the ENTIRE TOWN was at this high school football game. All of them. Every single one.

Back at Unstable Mansion, Jade returns and starts to tell the other girls about her date with Cotton Ball Brain. When she gets to the part about meeting his parents, Britt cannot stand the jealousy anymore and just starts crying. “I’m sorry, that just makes me cry. ” Carly is rolling her eyes and does not like Britt or her fakeness one bit. Carly comes up with the idea for her and the girls to take a road  trip to Arlington on their own, without Chris, so they can see what it’s all about. They do. They get in a car together and start driving. It’s a 3 hour drive to Arlington, and when they get there, they literally drive through the entire town in about 30 seconds. Main Street is a good 20 second jaunt, and the car becomes silent as they realize the lameness of this town matches the lameness of their vanilla, boring-ass Farmer Boy. They walk the streets and meet the town pastor, who is sitting on his front porch doing nothing. They ask him what do people do around here for fun. He says “they go someplace else.” Britt tells the girls that she could never see herself living there. When they get back to the house though, Jade asks how it went, and Britt launches into this whole fake thing about how “at first, I couldn’t see it, but then, coming back there was this amazing sunset”, and apparently this sunset’s magic powers suddenly made Iowa the greatest place ever. Carly rolls her eyes again, cuz she ain’t buying it. She tells cameras that Britt is one of the fakest people she has ever met. Later, when Carly and Jade are alone, Jade tells Carly that she did nude photos for Playboy. She is going to tell Chris soon. Carly seems a bit taken aback, and who wouldn’t be? The girls have more late-night, before bed alcohol snack-packs, and then head up to bed.

GROUP ORGY (Date):

On this date is Britt,, Carly, and Kaitlyn. Oh, and Bagel-Brain Chris. He’s there too. They go to the hockey rink and ice-skate and play pretend hockey with each other. Chris falls down on his bum-bum several times, and the girls think it’s adorable. Britt steals him away and they kiss and kiss, and then she gushes to him about the girls secret trip to Arlington, and how much she loved it. “I loved it so much, I’m so glad I went”, she says in the phoniest voice ever. This turns him on and he kisses her more. Meanwhile, Carly and Kaitlyn talk about how fake Britt is, and how she is lying to his face. Chris tells cameras it made him feel incredible that “someone as dynamic as Britt” would love it in his humble little golly-gee town. Carly then takes him aside and tells him to please be careful with Britt, and that she is lying to him with her intentions. Chris thanks her, then brings Britt back again to get the truth. She keeps gushing further about Iowa, saying how she wants to be a mom and live there and blah blah blah. He falls for it. Next, he spends time with Kaitlyn and she expresses how she feels behind in the process and is freaking out a little. He gives her the rose and tells her that when he is with her, he feels like the luckiest man alive. They come back to Carly and Britt, and Britt is fuming mad. She is rolling her eyes while Chris starts talking, and interrupts him with all sorts of crazy: “I’m so hurt right now, like, I feel so vulnerable, like putting it all out there and telling you that I wanna be your wife and I don’t want a husband that puts me 2nd or 3rd down the line. Like, fine, give the rose to her, that’s your right, but … I need a husband who really wants me .” She is saying all this in front of the other girls and making a total fool of herself. Chris responds “this was the decision I felt was best, and I’m not sure what I’m picking up right now from you, maybe you don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t know.” It gets really awkward, more pointless chatter between the two of them , and then finally Chris says goodnight to the girls and leaves them there. Britt gives a half-assed “sorry” to Kaitlyn, then continues to say more stupid shit. “Nothing against you, but if a man is more concerned with validating someone else than me, do I want to bring him home to my family, to my father.” Kaitlyn tells Britt she made her feel pretty bad. Carly tells cameras that even though she really wanted the rose tonight, watching Britt implode and having Chris see her true colors was even better. Britt sobs to the cameras “I don’t know if this is how I should be feeling before taking a man home to my father.” Okay already, enough talk about your father. You’re creeping me out.

So that was hours one and two. Now we move on to hours three and four. (someone please kill me)  Becca gets the second one on one date, and Chris takes her to his loft where they hang out and watch the sunset. She tells him she has never been in love before, but does NOT tell him that she is a virgin. Save that whopper for later on I guess. They have a great time, get close, and kiss a lot. Meanwhile, at Xanax Mansion, Britt tells the girls that she has packed her stuff and is going to leave the show before the rose ceremony. Carly calls her bluff and says “you wont leave.” Britt says there is a “1% chance that my mind can be changed.” Britt feels attacked by the girls saying she wont actually leave and just wants attention, and goes out to the hallway to sob her old makeup off. That is how she washes her face, by the way. All the sobbing. No showers. Just cries it right off her face ….

Host Chris comes in to announce there is no cocktail party. The girls are mad. Jade wanted to tell Chris that she had done nude modeling for Playboy, and Britt wanted to tell him that she might be leaving, unless of course he would beg her to stay.

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ROSE CEREMONY:

Just as Chris begins to talk during the rose ceremony, Britt interrupts him and asks if she can talk to him for a minute. He says yes and they go off in the other room. The girls all gossip about what’s going on . Kaitlyn: “I knew it. She couldn’t just stand there and not get the rose. She wants him to beg her to stay.” Carly “I’m gonna throw up if she manipulates him any further.” Britt apologizes to Chris for her weird behavior when he gave Kaitlyn the group date rose. He tells her that the way she acted was disrespectful and not what he wants in a wife, and sends her home. She bawls her face off for about 20 awkward minutes outside, and everyone can hear her wailing loudly. She starts sobbing about Carly, of all things. “I trusted her. I thought we were friends.” Chris comes back in and tells the girls he sent Britt home, and says thank you to those who spoke up about her earlier. “I’m not playing games. Be honest with me and I’ll be honest with you”, he says. Whitney, Becca, and Jade get roses, and he sends Carly home. Well damn. I kind of liked her. She was super sarcastic and funny. She rides away in the sad rejection-limo, crying and saying how she will never ever find love ……

There are 4 girls left, and he goes to each of their home towns to meet their families. First up is Becca in Louisiana. She has a large family, and they are all hell-bent on letting Chris know that Becca has NEVER BEEN WITH A MAN IN ANY WAY. “Becca is not intimate at all. She doesn’t like to be touched. She has no desires to be with a man. She has never attempted that.” This is from her mom. What the hell? Talk about throwing this poor girl under the bus. Why don’t you just tell Chris that she is a robot with no human emotions and doesn’t respond to touch? At the end of the night, Chris says he has a surprise for her, and they drive to the local state Fair, which is closed, and ride the Ferris Wheel alone at night. They make out for a long time up there, and Becca tells cameras that this is the moment she will look back on where she fell in love.

Next up is Whitney in Chicago, Illinois. She wants to show him all about her life and her job as a Fertility Nurse, so their date begins with her asking him “What do you say we go make a baby?” He jokes back “It’s a little early in the morning for that.” She shows him how the babies are made in the fertility clinic, and then shows him the private room where they send the men with their little sperm cup to “produce.” She jokes with him that she wants him to give a sample so she can test it, then she says “Just kidding. I wouldn’t do that to you!” He is impressed with her passion for her job. He tells the cameras “I make corn. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be making babies.” They go to her families house, where Chris meets her sister, uncle, grandma, and brother-in-law. The sister is asked for her blessing and says no, and then Whitney shares a bottle of Napa wine with Chris, telling him that she bought the bottle years ago with the intention of sharing it with the person she was going to marry. She tells him she is in love with him, and he has no reaction. Well, I mean, I think he is happy about it, but he has no personality, so I can’t really tell.

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Up next is Kaitlyn in Phoenix, Arizona. (I really wanted to stab myself in the eyeball several thousand times by this point in the 90 hour drivel show) She takes him to a recording studio, where they write and record the most terrible rap song of all time. Literally, Kanye West should have popped up out of nowhere and declared Chris “the worst rapper OF ALL TIME …….. ALL TIME!!!!” They rapped a duet about their love story, and Chris has even less rhythm or sense of melody than he does personality or charm. He looked like a loaf of bread up there, trying to understand human music and sound. He is officially the whitest man ever. After that hot mess, they go to meet the family. Everyone likes the Dullard, and then Kaitlyn takes him outside and tells him to turn around. There is a huge billboard on the street that says “Kaitlyn hearts Chris.” It was her way of telling him she is in love with him. Again, his reaction was so underwhelming and boring, it was stunning. Holy shit, are we DONE YET??????????????

Last up is Jade, the Playboy nude chick. She shows him around Nebraska, and he keeps talking about her small-town values and how much he loves that. Ha!!! After he meets the family and everything, she finally takes him aside and tells him her secret. “I was really afraid of like, it changing your opinion of me. When I first moved out to L.A., I was approached to pose nude for Playboy, and I did.” Silence. Pause pause pause. “I could show you some of the photos????”, she asks him like a weird question. He has no idea what to say, as usual, so he says “Um .. I mean … if that makes you comfortable … I mean … sure.” Next thing you know she is pulling out her laptop and they are looking at naked pictures of her together. It is very weird. Then there is a nude video as well, and she shows him that too. For someone worried about his reaction, sure seemed like she was dying to show him what she did and what the pics looks like. He tells the camera that he was shocked and did not expect this at all from Jade. He tries making her feel better and not judged. “I know you for who you are”, he tells her, and then kisses her. She feels relieved.

And then he sends her Playboy-ass home at the Rose Ceremony. He tells her that it had nothing at all to do with the pictures or video (Yeah right!), and then he tosses her in the sad-rejection limo. She cries, and he cries man-tears because he really liked her, but he can’t have his future WIFE be spread eagle all over Playboy, especially after she has been all over national television!!! Can you imagine when she meets his friends or family? “Dad, this is Jade, my fiance.” “Yes, I’m familiar with Jade. You have lovely nipples. Let’s eat dinner. Wine, anyone?”

The End. FINALLY.

About Kelley Lynn

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